Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 23 - Episode #2.23 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- My name, Michelangelo
and I paint any Baptist,
Catholic, Protestant,
Methodist church or synagogue
for 29.95, but I ain't
gonna do no floors.
- Ruth, you know, of
course, that my show
is rated number one.
- Colonel, Laugh
In is number one.
- Here, yes.
But not in Argentina.
- Colonel Klink,
go to your bunker.
- I'll have a whiskey.
- I'll have a whiskey.
- I'll have a
little nip, myself.
- Leave him alone.
Get out of here.
- Don't knock it, you guys.
That's all there is between
here and Dodge City.
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall it to our day
Remember how the
Cherry Sisters tore it apart
Laying an egg,
right from the heart
You try to get a
booking at the Palace
With Diamond Jim
you try to sip and sop
The jokes are killer
by old Joe Miller
And everybody laugh it off
- Ruth, if you could be
anybody in the world,
who would you be?
- Cary Grant.
- Why Cary Grant?
- Because then I would
tell him to attack Ruth Buzzi.
- Hey, Flip, how would you
like to buy some pictures
of Mississippi and Alabama?
- No thanks, I've got my
own views of those places.
- I came to Hollywood
to make an honest living.
- Well, you ought to do well.
There's not much
competition here.
- I wish Mayor Chelsea
would pay a little more
attention to the small problems.
- Well, he does, Goldie.
He pays as little
attention as possible.
- I consider Lucille
Ball's husband the world's
luckiest man.
- And why's that, Henry?
- Because he's got a
wife and a wrist watch,
and they both work.
- Hey Arnie.
- Yes, Apple Stern.
- How does the
Supreme Court try a case?
- Well, they just
take a little sip
from each and every bottle.
- I see where Hubert
Humphrey and Lyndon Johnson
are both gonna keep school.
- Well, I knew they were gonna
crack down on the students,
but that's going too far.
- Hey, Alan.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Alan.
Guess what.
- What?
- You know what?
My car stalls a lot.
Yeah, I think it's the governor.
- What a coincidence,
California has the same problem.
- Miss Goldie Hawn,
I see that this country
is suffering from
a doctor shortage.
- So what, Miss David?
The tall ones
charge just as much.
- Hey Flip Flop.
Did you hear George Wallace's
last speech on television?
- I hope so.
(upbeat music
overpowering singing)
So everybody laugh it up Ha ha
Everybody laugh it up (applause)
- [Narrator] And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
stick ball hall of
fame, NBC brings you
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Untouched by human hands.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest star, Flip Wilson.
And Judy Carne, Artie
Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Dave Madden,
Alan Sues, Chelsea
Brown, and Jo Anne Worley.
And yours truly, Gary Owens.
And Margo as the friendly Droug.
Tonight, the role of
Mr. Droug will be played
by Lamont Cranston.
But first, several words.
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- And now, folks, stand by
'cause here come the Dan,
here come the Dick,
here come the Dan and
here come the Dick.
Here come the Dick.
(applause)
- Please, please.
- That's awfully kind of
you, thank you very much.
Trust you had an
exciting weekend.
- No, I was too busy
having a good time.
- I don't suppose
you were alone.
- Well, as a matter
of fact, I was.
Just me and Uncle
Willard, of course.
- Uncle Willard.
- Yep.
- That's your invisible uncle.
- Yep.
- Yeah, how's he doing?
- Well, he's
looking pretty good.
- Well, how would you know that?
He's invisible.
- That's funny.
So is my Uncle Willard.
- Oh, very funny.
- I took him to my
tailor for a new suit.
- Oh, that must
be a little hard.
Fitting an invisible man.
- We'll never know.
- What's an invisible man
need a new suit for, anyway?
- Well, what if he meets
an invisible woman?
- Never thought of it that way.
- Sure, he had a pretty
heavy date Saturday night.
- Oh?
- Raquel Welch's shadow.
- How'd he make out?
- Not too well.
Every time he turned out
the light, she disappeared.
- Makes sense, I
suppose, if any of this does.
- Uncle Willard was
pretty disappointed, though.
- He was, huh?
- Yep, after all,
he buy a new suit made
and he had his hair styled...
- Had his hair styled?
- Yeah.
- Must be some trick.
- You're not kidding.
An hour after he left, the
barber was still cutting away.
- Well, I hope Uncle
Willard didn't take it too hard.
- Well, what really upset him
was when you snubbed him
in the hallway.
- I snubbed him in the hall?
- About 10 minutes ago.
- Wait a minute.
I didn't see
anybody in the hall.
- That was Uncle Willard.
- Well, I'm sorry I
hurt his feelings.
- Well, I think you owe
Uncle Willard an apology.
- I'm sorry, Uncle Willard.
- Who ya talking to?
- Your Uncle Willard.
- He left 10 minutes ago.
- Well, I'll make it up
to him the next time
I don't see him.
Now that we've taken
care of Uncle Willard,
how about a couple of quickies?
- Nobody ever had
to ask me twice.
(laughing)
- So, friends, let's have
a few Laugh In quickies.
- Well, you know
what I always say.
- Well, no, he asked.
What do you always say?
- You want a few laughs?
Have a few quickies.
- Look, let me tell you
what the problem is.
My cousin and his wife
met on the Dating Game.
- Uh huh.
- They furnished
the house on the Newlywed Game.
And then they
had their first fight
on the Mother In Laws.
Now their marriage is a mess.
But they can't
split up until ABC
gets their divorce
game on the air.
- Well, I'll tell ya what.
Why doesn't he take her
over to Let's Make a Deal
and trade her in on
an Amana Freezer?
- What do you think
of the Arabian Nights?
- Well, I'll tell you one
thing, they're a lot more
fun than the days.
- Your problem is very
simple, Mr. Lafferty.
You've just been a
mechanic too long.
- Bringing these
fast, ain't they?
- David.
Come here.
We just landed a
great job in the movies,
but now it's all up to you.
- I see, well, OK, ladies,
what can I do for you?
- Well.
Could you make
us look like twins?
- Oh, here, here, Miss.
Let me help you. 0h, thanks.
- I think I'm gonna
get a quickie.
Everybody needs a quickie.
- I told ya you can't
fit me right off the rack.
(piano music)
When I'm calling you
(screaming)
- No, no, thanks, Harry.
I'll skip the chess game.
I think I'll go keep
an eye on the girls'
volleyball game.
- I just had a quickie, woo.
- Hey, that's fun.
We ought to do it more often.
- Do what more often?
- Have a few quickies
in the middle of the show.
- In the middle of the show?
- Of course.
- Whatever turns you on.
- [Narrator] This is the
history of the 20th century,
as seen through
the eyes of a bed.
First, there was the bed.
Then, there was a
beautiful young lady.
Then, there was a man.
Then, there was
love and marriage.
Then, came World War One.
(guns firing)
Then, the war was over.
And there was time for love.
Then, came the
Spanish Civil War.
(guns firing)
Then, the war was over.
And there was time for love.
Then, came World War Two.
(guns firing)
- Hey, husband.
Either we get a king
sized bed or get out of here
before World War Three.
- That's not very
interesting, but it puts
a little spring into the show.
Spring.
- Seriously.
You like wearing those
black leather goods, Virginian?
- Well, no, but I find
that white leather gets
dirty too fast.
- Hey, listen.
If you're really in a bind,
the drive goods store
just got in a new
shipment of Calico.
I was kidding, I was kidding.
- Scurvy dog,
we're going to port.
Give me that wheel.
- Now can I go to my room?
- Officer.
I'm new here in Chicago.
Could you please direct
me to the Wrigley Building?
- Sure, I'm going there myself.
I'll walk right along with you.
- Great, sure
would appreciate it.
Hey, what's this for?
- Don't worry, I'll
take 'em off later,
but it sure would help
my image if we walked
this way a while, come on.
- Blow in my helmet and
I'll march with you anywhere.
- Hit the ball, Willy.
- Did I ever tell you about
my tobacco chewing uncle?
- Why, no, he
responded cautiously.
- Well, one time he chewed
five pounds of tobacco.
- Now, that's a record plug.
- No, no, no, no.
This is a record plug.
- Oh, the new Laugh
In record album.
- That's the one, right here.
- You sneaky thing.
- Whoops.
- I want to tell you, you
both should be ashamed
of yourselves.
- Why?
- Plugging our new
brand new record album,
Laugh In 1969.
(laughing)
For sale everywhere.
- Everywhere, well,
you're right, Goldie.
- We're sorry.
- Well, shape up, you doo doos.
- Henry, if I hear
another poem, I'll scream.
Is the frog the farmer's
friend, I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's
friend, I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's friend
Is the frog the farmer's friend
Is the frog the (screaming)
I don't know
- How would you like
to go for some coffee?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- Good.
Here's.
Here's 25 cents.
Get me black and him a regular.
- Dr. Livingston,
Dr. Livingston.
- Yes?
- Do you know the Zulus
are restless?
- No, but if you'll
hum the first four bars,
I'll try.
- First thing we've got to do...
- Hello, officers.
I'm new here in Selma.
- Well, welcome
to our fair city.
- Yeah, your people are
always welcome here in Selma.
- Thank you.
Could you guys direct
me to the hospital?
- Why, there's nothing
wrong, is there, sir?
- No, no, no, I just thought
I'd go down and see
a friend of mine in
the emergency ward
that you guys
welcomed yesterday.
- I remember.
- Short guy.
- Yeah.
He was a lot shorter.
- Whatever turns you on,
(foreign language spoken).
- Speaking of Georgia
and Jimmy Brown,
here's Dan and Dick
with the entire cast
tripping lightly through
the entire Laugh In news.
Have a nice trip, gang.
Woo.
(marching music)
What's the news upon the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope for the news
News We just love
To give you our news
Tada Ladies and gents
The news Here's that
- Georgia, are you sure Debbie
Reynolds started like that?
- Now, present.
Here's the man to whom
the news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dicky bird.
(grandiose music, applause)
- Dateline, New York.
The latest peace feeler from
Hanoi has just been arrested
in Central Park.
Los Angeles.
Mayor Sam Yorty has
commissioned a contest for
an official city song.
Entries so far include A
Smoggy Day in LA Town.
California, Here I Succumb.
And On a Clear Day, You
Can See Your Neighbor.
Mayor Yorty will
choose the winning song,
just as soon as he
can find City Hall.
Lady Jockey, Helen Neufeld,
that's Mary Helen Neufeld,
achieved her life's ambition
this morning when she was
finally accepted into
the Jockeys Association.
This afternoon at Aqueduct
she won her maiden race
as she led all male
rivals by three lengths,
coming out of the shower room.
And now, take it away, Goldie.
- And now telling us
the news that will be.
And here is the
man that couldn't.
Man who could still be
but shall not necessarily be,
in other words, Dan Ron.
(laughing)
- Goldie, you're irrepressible.
- That's all right, my
dress is wash and wear.
- Columbia University,
1989, 20 years from now.
Because of television,
Americans have stopped
reading completely,
therefore the Pulitzer Prize
for poetry was awarded
today to Mohammad Ali,
for a Wrigley's spearmint
gum commercial.
Kennedy Airport, 1989.
Today, the new super
sonic jet, fastest airplane
in the world, broke the
transcontinental speed record,
when it arrived five
minutes before it took off.
Berlin, 20 years from now, 1989.
There was dancing in the
streets today as East Germany
finally tore down
the Berlin Wall.
Joy was short lived, however,
as the wall was quickly
replaced with a
moat full of alligators.
- And now we take you
back to bygone times
with Laugh In's girl on
the bygone Judy Carne.
- Tonight, Laugh in
news of the past takes us
back to caveman days,
when the handshake was born.
- Well.
It all started like this.
As cavemen approach each
other, they hold out right hand
to show they not
carry weapon in it.
Smart.
Then they grab each other
hand to show they recognize
peaceful intent.
Oh, here come man, I show you.
(mumbling)
Hi, man.
My name Ogg.
- My name Lefty.
- Back to old drawing rock.
- And now, in the American
tradition of our legendary
athlete, Albert the
athlete, here's the athlete
Alan Sooth in the Alan
Sooth Athletic Sports Report.
Here's that old athlete
himself, starring the athlete
Alan Sooth, take
it away, athlete.
- Hi.
Big Al here, featurette.
Oh, I love that bell.
Just back from the
downhill ski run competitions
at Boulder Colorado,
and I want to say,
that's the silliest
thing I've ever seen.
I tried it myself and I
left quite an impression.
Impression.
Where's that voice
coming from, the talking.
Get it out of here.
Quite an impression
on the beginner's slope.
Oh, slush, slush.
And all those Saint Bernards.
Brandy, Brandy, let's
hear it for them, right?
A little drinky poo.
I'm going back tonight, ta ta.
- We take you now to
Burbank International Airport
and baton twirling school,
high atop a small bank
in beautiful, uptown
Burbank for the weather.
Here's Pippy.
- That's Flippy, Chelsea.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Here's Flippy.
- Much better.
- We on the air yet?
Oh.
Hello, y'all.
Good morning or whatever or dig.
Today was out of
sight, out of sight.
Temperature today ranged
from about 56 to where you are
to 450, woo.
That's where I am.
Throughout the day, we
had this green, purplish
diagonal thunder, that was
shooting all around every,
you all should
have dug it, yeah.
And thank y'all, and
tomorrow, tomorrow,
you people in Hawaii
and Rhode Island,
all them other
way out places, dig,
y'all gonna have a
gassy day tomorrow.
It gonna be sunny,
it's gonna be blinding.
It's gonna start with
the sun coming up
in the east like
a big yellow ball.
Woo.
Then it's gonna get
bigger and bigger
and then they're gonna
envelop the whole universe
with love, love, y'all.
Love.
Woo.
Well, that's all I'm gonna
lay on y'all about the weather
today, if you're going
away this weekend,
you know, have a good trip.
Woo.
(applause)
- And that, as they
say, just about wraps up
our news for tonight.
- Yes, and the lucky winner
this week is Mrs. Shaputi
from Kibby, Michigan.
- Gee.
- And now here is
Miss Judy Carne and
Mr. Artie Johnson appearing
in Laugh In Robot Theater.
(whimsical music, gears turning)
- Honey, our first night
together as man and wife.
- You are lovely, my darling.
Let us kiss.
Mm.
That was exciting.
I will get the luggage.
Why don't you slip into
something comfortable,
my little bon bon?
- I have a new see
through nightgown.
Do you like it?
- It is sexy.
I cannot wait.
Kiss me again, hard.
- You know, darling.
I am shy.
Let us turn off
some of the lights.
- I never realized marriage
could be so beautiful.
I never realized marriage
could be so beautiful.
- Listen, Whacker,
we were just talking.
We've been at sea almost,
oh, eight, nine months now
and...
- That's right.
- Not on your life.
You know I can't dance.
- Hey, that's a no no.
- Get that truck out of here.
Huh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, officer.
Is this an integrated community?
- Well, it certainly is,
and we're mighty proud of
our black people.
- Good, I think I'll mosey
along and see some
of my people.
- Well, you better
come back tomorrow.
You see, today's
Wednesday, and they're
not off until Thursday.
Now there goes one now.
- [Man] Teeter totter.
It was just one of those things
Just one of those
fabulous flings
(laughing)
- Roses are red,
violets are chartreuse,
and now local stations,
we gonna sock it to yous.
So, NBC, ring your chime.
Bing bong bing.
(whimsical music)
- I Think I Don't
Have a Giraffe.
By Henry Gibson.
I think I don't have a giraffe.
At least I've never
heard him laugh.
Maybe that's because
he's got a sore throat.
Or is in a bad mood.
Or just doesn't want to.
Not everyone goes
around laughing.
- Here comes a commercial.
You got time to
ring your chimes.
- How'dy, ma'am.
You going to the stage?
- No, I think I'll
stick with television.
- Get back there,
Spot, get back.
Dr. Livingston.
- Yes.
What can I do for you?
- It hurts when I do this.
- Then don't do it.
(grunting)
- All right, all right,
now get up, get up there.
Come along with
me to headquarters.
- Hey, what's the charge?
- Well, we caught your
kid praying in school again.
Come on now.
- Colonel Klink.
Why do you smoke
your cigarette that way?
- Because the other
end burns your mouth,
you adorable blonde cuckoo.
- Oh, Mel.
- And now the most interesting
contest of the year, gang.
The chance to write
in and tell us about
your favorite sock it to me.
- Dear Judy.
My favorite sock it to
me was when you got hit
by bats.
Not those kind of bats.
Those kind of bats.
- Dear Judy.
I like the kind of sock it to
me where you never know
what's gonna happen.
Like that, but more violent.
- Dear Judy.
As an intellectual, I like
the clever play on words
you use, like when you
once said, "Socrates it to me."
Now, that's what I
call using my head.
- Now, that's the kind
of sock it to me I like,
where everybody else gets it.
- [Both] Oh, yeah.
- That poor girl.
When is she ever going to
learn not to say, "Sock it to me"?
Well, I didn't think
they'd hit an old lady.
- When the footprints in
the sands of time grow short,
shall the sea lion
caress the bald eagle.
Or shall the writers
look up better sayings.
(upbeat music)
- My interior decorator
has impeccable taste.
When he did my place
over, as a finishing touch,
he made me move out.
- Why does the government
need a big, fancy committee
to study rundown tenements?
Why not drop by the ghetto
and ask the man who rents one?
- Myra Breckinridge is
a book with a message.
It proves that two can
live as cheaply as one.
- Huh?
- Think about it.
- Miss Hawn, what do
you think of our astronauts
getting within 60
miles of the moon?
- Well, I've heard of
people going out of town,
but that's ridiculous.
- I'm for keeping
up with the times,
but I find it hard to refer
to Matthew, Mark, Luke,
and John as the good guys.
- How come you people
in America always complain
about getting stuck with taxes?
In the old country, we
got stuck with bayonets
right in (foreign
language spoken).
- You know what, Alan?
- What?
- Horace is an expert in spiel.
But you know what else, Alan?
I'm getting tired of always
going over to his field.
- We're all brothers and
sisters under the skin.
Gee, maybe that's the trouble.
We're all under
each other's skin.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
- Why don't you come
on up to my apartment?
- How do I know I'd be safe?
- I wouldn't ask you to do
anything you didn't want to do.
- Mm hmm.
OK, let's go up to
your condominium.
- Howard Hughes is making
so much money in Nevada.
I hear he's thinking
about buying beautiful
downtown Burbank, as a tax loss.
- Judy, you gonna watch
that documentary on television
about drugs on campus?
- Oh, Dan, I wouldn't miss
that for all the tea in Berkeley.
- In my neighborhood,
the program to send the kid
to camp has been
very successful.
So far, they've sent
132 of them to camp.
Camp De Nang, in Vietnam.
- After dealing with the
problems of the presidency
for a month and a half, I
hear Mr. Nixon's thinking
of demanding a recount.
(applause)
(humming)
- Like to go to a play?
Like to go to a concert?
Like to go to a funeral?
(grandiose music)
- Well, once again,
folks, it's time for that
suspenseful moment
when we find out who gets
the flying fickle
finger of fate award.
- And who gets the
wicked weenie tonight.
- The General Telephone
Company of Southern California.
- What did they do, give
you a wrong number?
- Oh, no, not me, but an
employee of General Telephone,
fella by the name of
Jerry W Feinfrock, felt that
his bosses were short
circuiting the public
by offering a limited
choice of phone, suffering
a chronic shortage of
equipment, and further stating
that they, General
Telephone Company,
are not responding to
charges of malpractice
and improper conduct.
- Ooh, thing like that
could cost a man his job.
- Well, you put your
little dialing pinkie
right on it, there.
See, the company admitted
that the employee had
a right to testify before the
public utilities commission,
but they fired him
because he did.
- Well, I think we should
do something about that.
(phone ringing)
Hey, General
Telephone, it's for you.
- Be sure and tune
in next week, folk,
when the flying
fickle finger of fate,
or the Midas touch,
as my group calls it,
will go to William
Buckley, for his philosophy
of never clarify tomorrow
what you can obscure today.
- I don't understand that.
- That's old
Bill Buckley for ya.
- You never use your
first name, how come?
- Well, my first
name is really dumb.
- Yeah, what is it?
- Wes.
- Oh, you're the Wes Virginian.
- Go to the bunk house.
Travis, go to the bunk house.
- All right.
- Oh, Dr. Livingston,
I got this pain.
- Is that so?
Ever had it before?
- Yes.
- Well, you've got it again.
- Oh, that King Kong.
- Pardon me, miss.
(screaming)
- You animal, animal, police.
Police.
Isn't a decent lady safe
in the streets anymore?
- Come along now.
- Hi, sailor boy.
Want to buy a nice
lady a drinky poo?
- Miss Scarlet, Miss
Scarlet, I don't know nothing
about birthing no baby.
- Tonight, Laugh In's Maude,
Maude World takes a look
at the world of senior citizens.
- My Uncle Walt
is a senior citizen.
82 years old, still
acts like a teenager.
- Like a teenager, huh?
- Yup, steels hubcaps
off antique cars.
- Well, a man can
still be young at 82.
- Well, he can,
but not as often.
- Listen to me, boy.
For many people day
life just begins at 80.
- I guess that Uncle
Walt proves that.
He just got married, you know.
- 82 years old and
he waited this long.
- Well, I didn't say
he waited this long.
I just said he just got married.
- At the Maude, Maude
World senior citizen.
(upbeat music)
We're having fun at Sun City
No need to worry or tears
We'll buckle ooh 'til we're 102
'Cause we're into
the golden years
That's pretty heavy, honey
Now that the
children don't need us
Let 'em go chase
their careers I can retire
Start liking my thigh
Because I'm into
the golden years
Play cards Bridge and
Rummy, hello dummy
Play ball, hit the
goalie very slowly
Mayhaps, let's play
Teeth in a glass, ain't it a gas
Everyone into the pool now
Careful, you don't slip a gear
Nothing for granted when
things are transplanted
We're into the golden years
Into the golden years Play craps
We believe in basket
weaving Playmates
See the funny grandma
bunny Played out
What can happen
when you're napping
Life is a ball, thank Geritol
Sitting at the old home
Eating the bagels and cheer
Who will be needing ya
Who will be feeding
ya Into the golden
Crinkled and olden
Into the golden
No one's beholden
Into the golden years
Into the golden years (applause)
(upbeat music)
- You know, Charlie.
This is a heck of a way
to spend a honeymoon.
- Honeymoon?
And when did you get married?
- Last week.
- Yeah?
Well, where's the little woman?
- Well, it was like this.
We got to the honeymoon suite,
we prepared to retire.
And first she removed her hair.
Put it in a box.
Then she put her
teeth in a glass of water.
And then she put her false
eyelashes in the drawer.
Then she took off some
padding and hung it in the closet.
Next thing I knew,
when I looked around,
I was alone.
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That is part of my new faces
Always true
I in the small cap
- The winner of
yesterday's 50 yard dash
will receive a gold medal,
just as soon as he crosses
the finish line.
- I have found a method
to stop the aging process.
Since redwood trees live
to be a thousand years old,
I have been injecting
myself with redwood sap.
The only trouble I have is
keeping the woodpeckers
from nesting in my head.
Get away.
Woodpeckers.
- Well, I must say sir,
this is most unusual.
You're 74 years old.
Been on Social
Security for 12 years.
You come in here
demanding maternity benefits
on your Medicare?
- Well, my wife is
due any day now.
- She is?
Gee, that is really
very unusual.
- Well, I decided it
was time to settle down.
Raise a family.
- Yeah, well, the problem
that's never come up before
is really no provision
for it, let's see if we can't
find a loophole.
Hey, maybe we could
call it internal disorders.
No, I doubt if
they'd sit still for that.
Wait a minute.
Allergic inflammation.
No, that's not it, either.
Wait a minute, here it is.
If you're willing to
name the child Bicuspid,
we could put it
under dental care,
and call it an
emergency extraction.
- Will the losers in
last week's pole vault
contest please look
through the sawdust and see
if they can find the winner?
- Look, I know that age
doesn't end the romance in life.
But you can't go on
behaving like newlyweds,
you'll kill each other.
It's really suicide.
From now on, Arthur, you
sleep down here on the couch.
And you, Gista, go upstairs,
or Arthur won't live the month.
- Later that same old couple.
- Where ya going, Arthur?
- Well, I was just on my
way up to commit suicide.
- That's funny.
I was on my way down to kill ya.
- Now it's time to look in on
the Sun City Playboy Club.
- Good, let's look in on
the Sin City Playboy...
- That's Sun City.
- Not after dusk.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Everything's fine,
don't read my chimes,
'til after nine.
Woo.
- Hi, I'm your bunny, Abigail.
- What's the entertainment
for tonight, rabbit?
- Well.
We got May West
in the main room.
Rudy Valley in
the nostalgia room.
And we got Jerry G
Gesselman in the recovery room.
- Say.
What's a nice old lady like
you doing in a place like this?
- Well, oh.
Oh, believe me, honey, it's
not easy working as a bunny
at my age.
(laughing)
- Hey, cutie.
What say after work, you
and me go out for a little,
for a little...
- A little what?
- That's funny, I can't
seem to remember.
- They never do.
- Honey.
You don't know what
troubled times I've seen.
I've really seen the bad times.
Folks fight, food hard to get.
No money.
Families living 12 in a room.
- Well, I never realized
things could be that bad
in the old south.
- Old south?
I'm talking about
New York, last month.
- Well, now, that's
what this show needs,
more black comedy.
- The remember your
name contest will be held
in room.
In room.
- Old person.
Really old.
- That's a sexagenarian, dimwit.
- I don't get it.
- I do.
- (foreign language spoken)
Here come the
commercial, right now.
Now.
Now.
What does it all mean?
- Tootie fruitie.
- Hey, we're having a
few people over for dinner
this weekend, maybe
you'd like to drop by.
- Gee, I'm sorry, but
I have to lead a safari
through the wild jungles
of Borneo this weekend.
- Could have simply
said that you had to go
to the dentist, or made
up a story like that,
I would have believed ya.
- Well, then you would
have been wrong,
because I have to
lead a safari through
the wild jungles of
Borneo this weekend.
- Who arranged
this little junket?
- Oh, an organization
I belong to.
- Shriners, the Elks, Masons?
- No, it's the gay
divorcees of Glendale.
- Well, I might have
known you'd be involved
with the gay
divorcees of Glendale.
- Sure, who do you
think keeps 'em gay?
(laughing)
- Well, what do they
want to go to Borneo for?
- Well, I guess they,
because they want to forget
about men, I guess.
- Well, what are you going for?
- Well, I don't want them
to forget about anything.
- Better be careful, you know.
What do you think
about those headhunters?
- I'm a leg man, myself.
- And then he queried
about the tsetse fly.
- I'm taking some of that along.
- I suppose the call of
the wild he continued,
can be pretty exciting.
Cooking your meals
over an open fire.
Sounds of the jungle.
Weaving their magic spell.
The lush green
foliage, embracing you.
- Well, I suppose it
would, but they don't have
that at the Borneo Hilton.
- You telling me you're
gonna fly to Borneo
with 30 divorcees just to
stay at the Borneo Hilton?
- Well, they turned us
down at the Holiday Inn.
- Where's your
sense of adventure?
Where's your sense of danger?
- That happens when
we get up to the room.
- While we're on
the subject of dying
on toot's shore, here's
our campus girl on the go.
- Hello.
University of
California at Berkeley.
The campus was shocked
today when it was revealed
that 10 of the most
trusted kitchen employees
at the student
cafeteria were actually
federal narcotic agents.
They explained they were
called in by university officials
when it was discovered
that the students referred to
lunch hour as 12 o'clock high.
- Darling, how can we
be sure this attraction isn't
just physical?
- Columbia University
school officials here fear
the recent arrest of student
Heinrich Schultzmeyer
may touch off an
international incident.
When taken into
custody for having burned
the dean in effigy,
Schultzmeyer claimed
diplomatic immunity
as an exchange rioter.
- I just got the results
from my aptitude test,
and I'm really drunk.
- Yeah, what's wrong?
- Only thing I'm qualified
for involves work.
- Well, gang, that wraps
up our campus support
for the week.
- And all you freshmen
students living away from home
for the first time...
- Remember.
The surest way to
avoid sex on the campus
is to watch where you step.
- Hey, now, you
never finished the story
about Dina and Toots Shore.
- Trust me, Goldie.
Believe me, coming and
going, Dina and Toots Shore
were no Bud and
Christine Jorgenson.
Now, he was an odd couple.
- And now, folk, here's
one of this week's
funny letters to Laugh
In, sent in by C Lear
of Tustin, California.
- Paris fashion designers
predict brass bras.
(singing)
(whimsical music)
- All right, bring
forth the prisoner.
- No, there's three of them.
Yes, three.
- Excuse me, officer.
Would you direct me to the
heart of the negro ghetto?
- Why certainly.
It's actually three
blocks down that way,
four blocks to the right.
Anybody in particular
you're looking for?
- Yeah, the Cadillac dealer.
- Terraplane.
(engines revving)
- Beaver.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls,
and that's an order.
- Now, are you ready, Gordie?
That's our show for tonight.
Anything you'd like to add?
- Yes, in front of
the whole world.
I'd like to add five and six.
- Done.
- No, 12.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- This is how I watch Huntley.
This is how I watch Brinkley.
And this is how
I watch Laugh In.
- I gonna see ya, Dick.
- Who's Dick?
- And we're not going to have
a mathematician next week,
but I tell you
what we do have...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- We have an
amazing geologist...
- Funny, I just happened
to think of what she said to me.
She was caught in a
roller coaster in Wall Lake,
Michigan, with
the rhythm section
from the Harry James Orchestra.
- By golly.
- I thought she,
I thought what she said
when she went, "Woop,"
would be original.
Well, she saw a
picture of Flip Wilson,
she said, "Whoa."
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Woo.
(applause)
- If Hope Lange
married Jack Cassidy,
she'd be Hope Lange Cassidy.
I don't get it.
- As Smokey the
Bear always says,
"Remember, if you
catch on fire, don't come
"running in the forest."
Woo.
- Hey, Judy, what
would I have to give ya
for a little kiss?
- Chloroform.
- Hey, Ruth.
- Yeah?
- Hey, did you see any
gorgeous girls running around
backstage without
any clothes on?
- Blonde or brunette?
- One like this,
one like this.
- Here's a new twist, I
hear the Cadillac dealers
of Detroit are planning
to raffle off a church.
- What goes ho ho ho, thump.
- Santa Claus,
laughing his head off.
(groaning)
- I'm going on a very
strict diet this month.
I'm cutting down
on my sugar daddy.
- Hey, Henry.
Henry.
- Yeah, Flip.
- If 12 people were coming
to your house for dinner,
what would you fix?
- The stove.
- If the American
eagles keep dying,
pretty soon this
country's going to be going
out of this bird.
- What kind of bird
are you talking about?
- Is that a chicken or anything?
(laughing)
- Hey, did you know
the mayor of Burbank
almost caught the Hong Kong flu?
But it got away.
- Why isn't Peg Leg
Baits here tonight?
- Oh, I don't know.
He gave some lame excuse.
- Hey, Alan.
- Yes.
- You know, my sister
got married and when she
got married, her
husband got a real prize.
- Oh, yeah, what was it?
- A lamp.
(laughing)
- Get her out of here.
- Hey, Dave.
- Ruth.
- Why is Sophia Loren always
in a bathtub in her movies?
- You've got to be kidding.
If she took a shower, her
feet would never get wet.
(goofy music)
(humming)
- And that goes for
your hippopotamus, too.
Stay away from me.
Dr. Livingston, I presume.
- No, I'm his wife, Ethel.
- I'm going back to
the hippopotamus.
- This program was
prerecorded so the producer
could attend the
final fitting for his tutu.
- Very interesting.
But beware of the ides of March.
(laughing)
And don't take a shower
with June or April, either.
(laughing)
Good night, Lucy.
(drum beating)
(musical sting)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- My name, Michelangelo
and I paint any Baptist,
Catholic, Protestant,
Methodist church or synagogue
for 29.95, but I ain't
gonna do no floors.
- Ruth, you know, of
course, that my show
is rated number one.
- Colonel, Laugh
In is number one.
- Here, yes.
But not in Argentina.
- Colonel Klink,
go to your bunker.
- I'll have a whiskey.
- I'll have a whiskey.
- I'll have a
little nip, myself.
- Leave him alone.
Get out of here.
- Don't knock it, you guys.
That's all there is between
here and Dodge City.
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall it to our day
Remember how the
Cherry Sisters tore it apart
Laying an egg,
right from the heart
You try to get a
booking at the Palace
With Diamond Jim
you try to sip and sop
The jokes are killer
by old Joe Miller
And everybody laugh it off
- Ruth, if you could be
anybody in the world,
who would you be?
- Cary Grant.
- Why Cary Grant?
- Because then I would
tell him to attack Ruth Buzzi.
- Hey, Flip, how would you
like to buy some pictures
of Mississippi and Alabama?
- No thanks, I've got my
own views of those places.
- I came to Hollywood
to make an honest living.
- Well, you ought to do well.
There's not much
competition here.
- I wish Mayor Chelsea
would pay a little more
attention to the small problems.
- Well, he does, Goldie.
He pays as little
attention as possible.
- I consider Lucille
Ball's husband the world's
luckiest man.
- And why's that, Henry?
- Because he's got a
wife and a wrist watch,
and they both work.
- Hey Arnie.
- Yes, Apple Stern.
- How does the
Supreme Court try a case?
- Well, they just
take a little sip
from each and every bottle.
- I see where Hubert
Humphrey and Lyndon Johnson
are both gonna keep school.
- Well, I knew they were gonna
crack down on the students,
but that's going too far.
- Hey, Alan.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Alan.
Guess what.
- What?
- You know what?
My car stalls a lot.
Yeah, I think it's the governor.
- What a coincidence,
California has the same problem.
- Miss Goldie Hawn,
I see that this country
is suffering from
a doctor shortage.
- So what, Miss David?
The tall ones
charge just as much.
- Hey Flip Flop.
Did you hear George Wallace's
last speech on television?
- I hope so.
(upbeat music
overpowering singing)
So everybody laugh it up Ha ha
Everybody laugh it up (applause)
- [Narrator] And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
stick ball hall of
fame, NBC brings you
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Untouched by human hands.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest star, Flip Wilson.
And Judy Carne, Artie
Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Dave Madden,
Alan Sues, Chelsea
Brown, and Jo Anne Worley.
And yours truly, Gary Owens.
And Margo as the friendly Droug.
Tonight, the role of
Mr. Droug will be played
by Lamont Cranston.
But first, several words.
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- And now, folks, stand by
'cause here come the Dan,
here come the Dick,
here come the Dan and
here come the Dick.
Here come the Dick.
(applause)
- Please, please.
- That's awfully kind of
you, thank you very much.
Trust you had an
exciting weekend.
- No, I was too busy
having a good time.
- I don't suppose
you were alone.
- Well, as a matter
of fact, I was.
Just me and Uncle
Willard, of course.
- Uncle Willard.
- Yep.
- That's your invisible uncle.
- Yep.
- Yeah, how's he doing?
- Well, he's
looking pretty good.
- Well, how would you know that?
He's invisible.
- That's funny.
So is my Uncle Willard.
- Oh, very funny.
- I took him to my
tailor for a new suit.
- Oh, that must
be a little hard.
Fitting an invisible man.
- We'll never know.
- What's an invisible man
need a new suit for, anyway?
- Well, what if he meets
an invisible woman?
- Never thought of it that way.
- Sure, he had a pretty
heavy date Saturday night.
- Oh?
- Raquel Welch's shadow.
- How'd he make out?
- Not too well.
Every time he turned out
the light, she disappeared.
- Makes sense, I
suppose, if any of this does.
- Uncle Willard was
pretty disappointed, though.
- He was, huh?
- Yep, after all,
he buy a new suit made
and he had his hair styled...
- Had his hair styled?
- Yeah.
- Must be some trick.
- You're not kidding.
An hour after he left, the
barber was still cutting away.
- Well, I hope Uncle
Willard didn't take it too hard.
- Well, what really upset him
was when you snubbed him
in the hallway.
- I snubbed him in the hall?
- About 10 minutes ago.
- Wait a minute.
I didn't see
anybody in the hall.
- That was Uncle Willard.
- Well, I'm sorry I
hurt his feelings.
- Well, I think you owe
Uncle Willard an apology.
- I'm sorry, Uncle Willard.
- Who ya talking to?
- Your Uncle Willard.
- He left 10 minutes ago.
- Well, I'll make it up
to him the next time
I don't see him.
Now that we've taken
care of Uncle Willard,
how about a couple of quickies?
- Nobody ever had
to ask me twice.
(laughing)
- So, friends, let's have
a few Laugh In quickies.
- Well, you know
what I always say.
- Well, no, he asked.
What do you always say?
- You want a few laughs?
Have a few quickies.
- Look, let me tell you
what the problem is.
My cousin and his wife
met on the Dating Game.
- Uh huh.
- They furnished
the house on the Newlywed Game.
And then they
had their first fight
on the Mother In Laws.
Now their marriage is a mess.
But they can't
split up until ABC
gets their divorce
game on the air.
- Well, I'll tell ya what.
Why doesn't he take her
over to Let's Make a Deal
and trade her in on
an Amana Freezer?
- What do you think
of the Arabian Nights?
- Well, I'll tell you one
thing, they're a lot more
fun than the days.
- Your problem is very
simple, Mr. Lafferty.
You've just been a
mechanic too long.
- Bringing these
fast, ain't they?
- David.
Come here.
We just landed a
great job in the movies,
but now it's all up to you.
- I see, well, OK, ladies,
what can I do for you?
- Well.
Could you make
us look like twins?
- Oh, here, here, Miss.
Let me help you. 0h, thanks.
- I think I'm gonna
get a quickie.
Everybody needs a quickie.
- I told ya you can't
fit me right off the rack.
(piano music)
When I'm calling you
(screaming)
- No, no, thanks, Harry.
I'll skip the chess game.
I think I'll go keep
an eye on the girls'
volleyball game.
- I just had a quickie, woo.
- Hey, that's fun.
We ought to do it more often.
- Do what more often?
- Have a few quickies
in the middle of the show.
- In the middle of the show?
- Of course.
- Whatever turns you on.
- [Narrator] This is the
history of the 20th century,
as seen through
the eyes of a bed.
First, there was the bed.
Then, there was a
beautiful young lady.
Then, there was a man.
Then, there was
love and marriage.
Then, came World War One.
(guns firing)
Then, the war was over.
And there was time for love.
Then, came the
Spanish Civil War.
(guns firing)
Then, the war was over.
And there was time for love.
Then, came World War Two.
(guns firing)
- Hey, husband.
Either we get a king
sized bed or get out of here
before World War Three.
- That's not very
interesting, but it puts
a little spring into the show.
Spring.
- Seriously.
You like wearing those
black leather goods, Virginian?
- Well, no, but I find
that white leather gets
dirty too fast.
- Hey, listen.
If you're really in a bind,
the drive goods store
just got in a new
shipment of Calico.
I was kidding, I was kidding.
- Scurvy dog,
we're going to port.
Give me that wheel.
- Now can I go to my room?
- Officer.
I'm new here in Chicago.
Could you please direct
me to the Wrigley Building?
- Sure, I'm going there myself.
I'll walk right along with you.
- Great, sure
would appreciate it.
Hey, what's this for?
- Don't worry, I'll
take 'em off later,
but it sure would help
my image if we walked
this way a while, come on.
- Blow in my helmet and
I'll march with you anywhere.
- Hit the ball, Willy.
- Did I ever tell you about
my tobacco chewing uncle?
- Why, no, he
responded cautiously.
- Well, one time he chewed
five pounds of tobacco.
- Now, that's a record plug.
- No, no, no, no.
This is a record plug.
- Oh, the new Laugh
In record album.
- That's the one, right here.
- You sneaky thing.
- Whoops.
- I want to tell you, you
both should be ashamed
of yourselves.
- Why?
- Plugging our new
brand new record album,
Laugh In 1969.
(laughing)
For sale everywhere.
- Everywhere, well,
you're right, Goldie.
- We're sorry.
- Well, shape up, you doo doos.
- Henry, if I hear
another poem, I'll scream.
Is the frog the farmer's
friend, I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's
friend, I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's friend
Is the frog the farmer's friend
Is the frog the (screaming)
I don't know
- How would you like
to go for some coffee?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- Good.
Here's.
Here's 25 cents.
Get me black and him a regular.
- Dr. Livingston,
Dr. Livingston.
- Yes?
- Do you know the Zulus
are restless?
- No, but if you'll
hum the first four bars,
I'll try.
- First thing we've got to do...
- Hello, officers.
I'm new here in Selma.
- Well, welcome
to our fair city.
- Yeah, your people are
always welcome here in Selma.
- Thank you.
Could you guys direct
me to the hospital?
- Why, there's nothing
wrong, is there, sir?
- No, no, no, I just thought
I'd go down and see
a friend of mine in
the emergency ward
that you guys
welcomed yesterday.
- I remember.
- Short guy.
- Yeah.
He was a lot shorter.
- Whatever turns you on,
(foreign language spoken).
- Speaking of Georgia
and Jimmy Brown,
here's Dan and Dick
with the entire cast
tripping lightly through
the entire Laugh In news.
Have a nice trip, gang.
Woo.
(marching music)
What's the news upon the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope for the news
News We just love
To give you our news
Tada Ladies and gents
The news Here's that
- Georgia, are you sure Debbie
Reynolds started like that?
- Now, present.
Here's the man to whom
the news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dicky bird.
(grandiose music, applause)
- Dateline, New York.
The latest peace feeler from
Hanoi has just been arrested
in Central Park.
Los Angeles.
Mayor Sam Yorty has
commissioned a contest for
an official city song.
Entries so far include A
Smoggy Day in LA Town.
California, Here I Succumb.
And On a Clear Day, You
Can See Your Neighbor.
Mayor Yorty will
choose the winning song,
just as soon as he
can find City Hall.
Lady Jockey, Helen Neufeld,
that's Mary Helen Neufeld,
achieved her life's ambition
this morning when she was
finally accepted into
the Jockeys Association.
This afternoon at Aqueduct
she won her maiden race
as she led all male
rivals by three lengths,
coming out of the shower room.
And now, take it away, Goldie.
- And now telling us
the news that will be.
And here is the
man that couldn't.
Man who could still be
but shall not necessarily be,
in other words, Dan Ron.
(laughing)
- Goldie, you're irrepressible.
- That's all right, my
dress is wash and wear.
- Columbia University,
1989, 20 years from now.
Because of television,
Americans have stopped
reading completely,
therefore the Pulitzer Prize
for poetry was awarded
today to Mohammad Ali,
for a Wrigley's spearmint
gum commercial.
Kennedy Airport, 1989.
Today, the new super
sonic jet, fastest airplane
in the world, broke the
transcontinental speed record,
when it arrived five
minutes before it took off.
Berlin, 20 years from now, 1989.
There was dancing in the
streets today as East Germany
finally tore down
the Berlin Wall.
Joy was short lived, however,
as the wall was quickly
replaced with a
moat full of alligators.
- And now we take you
back to bygone times
with Laugh In's girl on
the bygone Judy Carne.
- Tonight, Laugh in
news of the past takes us
back to caveman days,
when the handshake was born.
- Well.
It all started like this.
As cavemen approach each
other, they hold out right hand
to show they not
carry weapon in it.
Smart.
Then they grab each other
hand to show they recognize
peaceful intent.
Oh, here come man, I show you.
(mumbling)
Hi, man.
My name Ogg.
- My name Lefty.
- Back to old drawing rock.
- And now, in the American
tradition of our legendary
athlete, Albert the
athlete, here's the athlete
Alan Sooth in the Alan
Sooth Athletic Sports Report.
Here's that old athlete
himself, starring the athlete
Alan Sooth, take
it away, athlete.
- Hi.
Big Al here, featurette.
Oh, I love that bell.
Just back from the
downhill ski run competitions
at Boulder Colorado,
and I want to say,
that's the silliest
thing I've ever seen.
I tried it myself and I
left quite an impression.
Impression.
Where's that voice
coming from, the talking.
Get it out of here.
Quite an impression
on the beginner's slope.
Oh, slush, slush.
And all those Saint Bernards.
Brandy, Brandy, let's
hear it for them, right?
A little drinky poo.
I'm going back tonight, ta ta.
- We take you now to
Burbank International Airport
and baton twirling school,
high atop a small bank
in beautiful, uptown
Burbank for the weather.
Here's Pippy.
- That's Flippy, Chelsea.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Here's Flippy.
- Much better.
- We on the air yet?
Oh.
Hello, y'all.
Good morning or whatever or dig.
Today was out of
sight, out of sight.
Temperature today ranged
from about 56 to where you are
to 450, woo.
That's where I am.
Throughout the day, we
had this green, purplish
diagonal thunder, that was
shooting all around every,
you all should
have dug it, yeah.
And thank y'all, and
tomorrow, tomorrow,
you people in Hawaii
and Rhode Island,
all them other
way out places, dig,
y'all gonna have a
gassy day tomorrow.
It gonna be sunny,
it's gonna be blinding.
It's gonna start with
the sun coming up
in the east like
a big yellow ball.
Woo.
Then it's gonna get
bigger and bigger
and then they're gonna
envelop the whole universe
with love, love, y'all.
Love.
Woo.
Well, that's all I'm gonna
lay on y'all about the weather
today, if you're going
away this weekend,
you know, have a good trip.
Woo.
(applause)
- And that, as they
say, just about wraps up
our news for tonight.
- Yes, and the lucky winner
this week is Mrs. Shaputi
from Kibby, Michigan.
- Gee.
- And now here is
Miss Judy Carne and
Mr. Artie Johnson appearing
in Laugh In Robot Theater.
(whimsical music, gears turning)
- Honey, our first night
together as man and wife.
- You are lovely, my darling.
Let us kiss.
Mm.
That was exciting.
I will get the luggage.
Why don't you slip into
something comfortable,
my little bon bon?
- I have a new see
through nightgown.
Do you like it?
- It is sexy.
I cannot wait.
Kiss me again, hard.
- You know, darling.
I am shy.
Let us turn off
some of the lights.
- I never realized marriage
could be so beautiful.
I never realized marriage
could be so beautiful.
- Listen, Whacker,
we were just talking.
We've been at sea almost,
oh, eight, nine months now
and...
- That's right.
- Not on your life.
You know I can't dance.
- Hey, that's a no no.
- Get that truck out of here.
Huh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, officer.
Is this an integrated community?
- Well, it certainly is,
and we're mighty proud of
our black people.
- Good, I think I'll mosey
along and see some
of my people.
- Well, you better
come back tomorrow.
You see, today's
Wednesday, and they're
not off until Thursday.
Now there goes one now.
- [Man] Teeter totter.
It was just one of those things
Just one of those
fabulous flings
(laughing)
- Roses are red,
violets are chartreuse,
and now local stations,
we gonna sock it to yous.
So, NBC, ring your chime.
Bing bong bing.
(whimsical music)
- I Think I Don't
Have a Giraffe.
By Henry Gibson.
I think I don't have a giraffe.
At least I've never
heard him laugh.
Maybe that's because
he's got a sore throat.
Or is in a bad mood.
Or just doesn't want to.
Not everyone goes
around laughing.
- Here comes a commercial.
You got time to
ring your chimes.
- How'dy, ma'am.
You going to the stage?
- No, I think I'll
stick with television.
- Get back there,
Spot, get back.
Dr. Livingston.
- Yes.
What can I do for you?
- It hurts when I do this.
- Then don't do it.
(grunting)
- All right, all right,
now get up, get up there.
Come along with
me to headquarters.
- Hey, what's the charge?
- Well, we caught your
kid praying in school again.
Come on now.
- Colonel Klink.
Why do you smoke
your cigarette that way?
- Because the other
end burns your mouth,
you adorable blonde cuckoo.
- Oh, Mel.
- And now the most interesting
contest of the year, gang.
The chance to write
in and tell us about
your favorite sock it to me.
- Dear Judy.
My favorite sock it to
me was when you got hit
by bats.
Not those kind of bats.
Those kind of bats.
- Dear Judy.
I like the kind of sock it to
me where you never know
what's gonna happen.
Like that, but more violent.
- Dear Judy.
As an intellectual, I like
the clever play on words
you use, like when you
once said, "Socrates it to me."
Now, that's what I
call using my head.
- Now, that's the kind
of sock it to me I like,
where everybody else gets it.
- [Both] Oh, yeah.
- That poor girl.
When is she ever going to
learn not to say, "Sock it to me"?
Well, I didn't think
they'd hit an old lady.
- When the footprints in
the sands of time grow short,
shall the sea lion
caress the bald eagle.
Or shall the writers
look up better sayings.
(upbeat music)
- My interior decorator
has impeccable taste.
When he did my place
over, as a finishing touch,
he made me move out.
- Why does the government
need a big, fancy committee
to study rundown tenements?
Why not drop by the ghetto
and ask the man who rents one?
- Myra Breckinridge is
a book with a message.
It proves that two can
live as cheaply as one.
- Huh?
- Think about it.
- Miss Hawn, what do
you think of our astronauts
getting within 60
miles of the moon?
- Well, I've heard of
people going out of town,
but that's ridiculous.
- I'm for keeping
up with the times,
but I find it hard to refer
to Matthew, Mark, Luke,
and John as the good guys.
- How come you people
in America always complain
about getting stuck with taxes?
In the old country, we
got stuck with bayonets
right in (foreign
language spoken).
- You know what, Alan?
- What?
- Horace is an expert in spiel.
But you know what else, Alan?
I'm getting tired of always
going over to his field.
- We're all brothers and
sisters under the skin.
Gee, maybe that's the trouble.
We're all under
each other's skin.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
- Why don't you come
on up to my apartment?
- How do I know I'd be safe?
- I wouldn't ask you to do
anything you didn't want to do.
- Mm hmm.
OK, let's go up to
your condominium.
- Howard Hughes is making
so much money in Nevada.
I hear he's thinking
about buying beautiful
downtown Burbank, as a tax loss.
- Judy, you gonna watch
that documentary on television
about drugs on campus?
- Oh, Dan, I wouldn't miss
that for all the tea in Berkeley.
- In my neighborhood,
the program to send the kid
to camp has been
very successful.
So far, they've sent
132 of them to camp.
Camp De Nang, in Vietnam.
- After dealing with the
problems of the presidency
for a month and a half, I
hear Mr. Nixon's thinking
of demanding a recount.
(applause)
(humming)
- Like to go to a play?
Like to go to a concert?
Like to go to a funeral?
(grandiose music)
- Well, once again,
folks, it's time for that
suspenseful moment
when we find out who gets
the flying fickle
finger of fate award.
- And who gets the
wicked weenie tonight.
- The General Telephone
Company of Southern California.
- What did they do, give
you a wrong number?
- Oh, no, not me, but an
employee of General Telephone,
fella by the name of
Jerry W Feinfrock, felt that
his bosses were short
circuiting the public
by offering a limited
choice of phone, suffering
a chronic shortage of
equipment, and further stating
that they, General
Telephone Company,
are not responding to
charges of malpractice
and improper conduct.
- Ooh, thing like that
could cost a man his job.
- Well, you put your
little dialing pinkie
right on it, there.
See, the company admitted
that the employee had
a right to testify before the
public utilities commission,
but they fired him
because he did.
- Well, I think we should
do something about that.
(phone ringing)
Hey, General
Telephone, it's for you.
- Be sure and tune
in next week, folk,
when the flying
fickle finger of fate,
or the Midas touch,
as my group calls it,
will go to William
Buckley, for his philosophy
of never clarify tomorrow
what you can obscure today.
- I don't understand that.
- That's old
Bill Buckley for ya.
- You never use your
first name, how come?
- Well, my first
name is really dumb.
- Yeah, what is it?
- Wes.
- Oh, you're the Wes Virginian.
- Go to the bunk house.
Travis, go to the bunk house.
- All right.
- Oh, Dr. Livingston,
I got this pain.
- Is that so?
Ever had it before?
- Yes.
- Well, you've got it again.
- Oh, that King Kong.
- Pardon me, miss.
(screaming)
- You animal, animal, police.
Police.
Isn't a decent lady safe
in the streets anymore?
- Come along now.
- Hi, sailor boy.
Want to buy a nice
lady a drinky poo?
- Miss Scarlet, Miss
Scarlet, I don't know nothing
about birthing no baby.
- Tonight, Laugh In's Maude,
Maude World takes a look
at the world of senior citizens.
- My Uncle Walt
is a senior citizen.
82 years old, still
acts like a teenager.
- Like a teenager, huh?
- Yup, steels hubcaps
off antique cars.
- Well, a man can
still be young at 82.
- Well, he can,
but not as often.
- Listen to me, boy.
For many people day
life just begins at 80.
- I guess that Uncle
Walt proves that.
He just got married, you know.
- 82 years old and
he waited this long.
- Well, I didn't say
he waited this long.
I just said he just got married.
- At the Maude, Maude
World senior citizen.
(upbeat music)
We're having fun at Sun City
No need to worry or tears
We'll buckle ooh 'til we're 102
'Cause we're into
the golden years
That's pretty heavy, honey
Now that the
children don't need us
Let 'em go chase
their careers I can retire
Start liking my thigh
Because I'm into
the golden years
Play cards Bridge and
Rummy, hello dummy
Play ball, hit the
goalie very slowly
Mayhaps, let's play
Teeth in a glass, ain't it a gas
Everyone into the pool now
Careful, you don't slip a gear
Nothing for granted when
things are transplanted
We're into the golden years
Into the golden years Play craps
We believe in basket
weaving Playmates
See the funny grandma
bunny Played out
What can happen
when you're napping
Life is a ball, thank Geritol
Sitting at the old home
Eating the bagels and cheer
Who will be needing ya
Who will be feeding
ya Into the golden
Crinkled and olden
Into the golden
No one's beholden
Into the golden years
Into the golden years (applause)
(upbeat music)
- You know, Charlie.
This is a heck of a way
to spend a honeymoon.
- Honeymoon?
And when did you get married?
- Last week.
- Yeah?
Well, where's the little woman?
- Well, it was like this.
We got to the honeymoon suite,
we prepared to retire.
And first she removed her hair.
Put it in a box.
Then she put her
teeth in a glass of water.
And then she put her false
eyelashes in the drawer.
Then she took off some
padding and hung it in the closet.
Next thing I knew,
when I looked around,
I was alone.
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That is part of my new faces
Always true
I in the small cap
- The winner of
yesterday's 50 yard dash
will receive a gold medal,
just as soon as he crosses
the finish line.
- I have found a method
to stop the aging process.
Since redwood trees live
to be a thousand years old,
I have been injecting
myself with redwood sap.
The only trouble I have is
keeping the woodpeckers
from nesting in my head.
Get away.
Woodpeckers.
- Well, I must say sir,
this is most unusual.
You're 74 years old.
Been on Social
Security for 12 years.
You come in here
demanding maternity benefits
on your Medicare?
- Well, my wife is
due any day now.
- She is?
Gee, that is really
very unusual.
- Well, I decided it
was time to settle down.
Raise a family.
- Yeah, well, the problem
that's never come up before
is really no provision
for it, let's see if we can't
find a loophole.
Hey, maybe we could
call it internal disorders.
No, I doubt if
they'd sit still for that.
Wait a minute.
Allergic inflammation.
No, that's not it, either.
Wait a minute, here it is.
If you're willing to
name the child Bicuspid,
we could put it
under dental care,
and call it an
emergency extraction.
- Will the losers in
last week's pole vault
contest please look
through the sawdust and see
if they can find the winner?
- Look, I know that age
doesn't end the romance in life.
But you can't go on
behaving like newlyweds,
you'll kill each other.
It's really suicide.
From now on, Arthur, you
sleep down here on the couch.
And you, Gista, go upstairs,
or Arthur won't live the month.
- Later that same old couple.
- Where ya going, Arthur?
- Well, I was just on my
way up to commit suicide.
- That's funny.
I was on my way down to kill ya.
- Now it's time to look in on
the Sun City Playboy Club.
- Good, let's look in on
the Sin City Playboy...
- That's Sun City.
- Not after dusk.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Everything's fine,
don't read my chimes,
'til after nine.
Woo.
- Hi, I'm your bunny, Abigail.
- What's the entertainment
for tonight, rabbit?
- Well.
We got May West
in the main room.
Rudy Valley in
the nostalgia room.
And we got Jerry G
Gesselman in the recovery room.
- Say.
What's a nice old lady like
you doing in a place like this?
- Well, oh.
Oh, believe me, honey, it's
not easy working as a bunny
at my age.
(laughing)
- Hey, cutie.
What say after work, you
and me go out for a little,
for a little...
- A little what?
- That's funny, I can't
seem to remember.
- They never do.
- Honey.
You don't know what
troubled times I've seen.
I've really seen the bad times.
Folks fight, food hard to get.
No money.
Families living 12 in a room.
- Well, I never realized
things could be that bad
in the old south.
- Old south?
I'm talking about
New York, last month.
- Well, now, that's
what this show needs,
more black comedy.
- The remember your
name contest will be held
in room.
In room.
- Old person.
Really old.
- That's a sexagenarian, dimwit.
- I don't get it.
- I do.
- (foreign language spoken)
Here come the
commercial, right now.
Now.
Now.
What does it all mean?
- Tootie fruitie.
- Hey, we're having a
few people over for dinner
this weekend, maybe
you'd like to drop by.
- Gee, I'm sorry, but
I have to lead a safari
through the wild jungles
of Borneo this weekend.
- Could have simply
said that you had to go
to the dentist, or made
up a story like that,
I would have believed ya.
- Well, then you would
have been wrong,
because I have to
lead a safari through
the wild jungles of
Borneo this weekend.
- Who arranged
this little junket?
- Oh, an organization
I belong to.
- Shriners, the Elks, Masons?
- No, it's the gay
divorcees of Glendale.
- Well, I might have
known you'd be involved
with the gay
divorcees of Glendale.
- Sure, who do you
think keeps 'em gay?
(laughing)
- Well, what do they
want to go to Borneo for?
- Well, I guess they,
because they want to forget
about men, I guess.
- Well, what are you going for?
- Well, I don't want them
to forget about anything.
- Better be careful, you know.
What do you think
about those headhunters?
- I'm a leg man, myself.
- And then he queried
about the tsetse fly.
- I'm taking some of that along.
- I suppose the call of
the wild he continued,
can be pretty exciting.
Cooking your meals
over an open fire.
Sounds of the jungle.
Weaving their magic spell.
The lush green
foliage, embracing you.
- Well, I suppose it
would, but they don't have
that at the Borneo Hilton.
- You telling me you're
gonna fly to Borneo
with 30 divorcees just to
stay at the Borneo Hilton?
- Well, they turned us
down at the Holiday Inn.
- Where's your
sense of adventure?
Where's your sense of danger?
- That happens when
we get up to the room.
- While we're on
the subject of dying
on toot's shore, here's
our campus girl on the go.
- Hello.
University of
California at Berkeley.
The campus was shocked
today when it was revealed
that 10 of the most
trusted kitchen employees
at the student
cafeteria were actually
federal narcotic agents.
They explained they were
called in by university officials
when it was discovered
that the students referred to
lunch hour as 12 o'clock high.
- Darling, how can we
be sure this attraction isn't
just physical?
- Columbia University
school officials here fear
the recent arrest of student
Heinrich Schultzmeyer
may touch off an
international incident.
When taken into
custody for having burned
the dean in effigy,
Schultzmeyer claimed
diplomatic immunity
as an exchange rioter.
- I just got the results
from my aptitude test,
and I'm really drunk.
- Yeah, what's wrong?
- Only thing I'm qualified
for involves work.
- Well, gang, that wraps
up our campus support
for the week.
- And all you freshmen
students living away from home
for the first time...
- Remember.
The surest way to
avoid sex on the campus
is to watch where you step.
- Hey, now, you
never finished the story
about Dina and Toots Shore.
- Trust me, Goldie.
Believe me, coming and
going, Dina and Toots Shore
were no Bud and
Christine Jorgenson.
Now, he was an odd couple.
- And now, folk, here's
one of this week's
funny letters to Laugh
In, sent in by C Lear
of Tustin, California.
- Paris fashion designers
predict brass bras.
(singing)
(whimsical music)
- All right, bring
forth the prisoner.
- No, there's three of them.
Yes, three.
- Excuse me, officer.
Would you direct me to the
heart of the negro ghetto?
- Why certainly.
It's actually three
blocks down that way,
four blocks to the right.
Anybody in particular
you're looking for?
- Yeah, the Cadillac dealer.
- Terraplane.
(engines revving)
- Beaver.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls,
and that's an order.
- Now, are you ready, Gordie?
That's our show for tonight.
Anything you'd like to add?
- Yes, in front of
the whole world.
I'd like to add five and six.
- Done.
- No, 12.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- This is how I watch Huntley.
This is how I watch Brinkley.
And this is how
I watch Laugh In.
- I gonna see ya, Dick.
- Who's Dick?
- And we're not going to have
a mathematician next week,
but I tell you
what we do have...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- We have an
amazing geologist...
- Funny, I just happened
to think of what she said to me.
She was caught in a
roller coaster in Wall Lake,
Michigan, with
the rhythm section
from the Harry James Orchestra.
- By golly.
- I thought she,
I thought what she said
when she went, "Woop,"
would be original.
Well, she saw a
picture of Flip Wilson,
she said, "Whoa."
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Woo.
(applause)
- If Hope Lange
married Jack Cassidy,
she'd be Hope Lange Cassidy.
I don't get it.
- As Smokey the
Bear always says,
"Remember, if you
catch on fire, don't come
"running in the forest."
Woo.
- Hey, Judy, what
would I have to give ya
for a little kiss?
- Chloroform.
- Hey, Ruth.
- Yeah?
- Hey, did you see any
gorgeous girls running around
backstage without
any clothes on?
- Blonde or brunette?
- One like this,
one like this.
- Here's a new twist, I
hear the Cadillac dealers
of Detroit are planning
to raffle off a church.
- What goes ho ho ho, thump.
- Santa Claus,
laughing his head off.
(groaning)
- I'm going on a very
strict diet this month.
I'm cutting down
on my sugar daddy.
- Hey, Henry.
Henry.
- Yeah, Flip.
- If 12 people were coming
to your house for dinner,
what would you fix?
- The stove.
- If the American
eagles keep dying,
pretty soon this
country's going to be going
out of this bird.
- What kind of bird
are you talking about?
- Is that a chicken or anything?
(laughing)
- Hey, did you know
the mayor of Burbank
almost caught the Hong Kong flu?
But it got away.
- Why isn't Peg Leg
Baits here tonight?
- Oh, I don't know.
He gave some lame excuse.
- Hey, Alan.
- Yes.
- You know, my sister
got married and when she
got married, her
husband got a real prize.
- Oh, yeah, what was it?
- A lamp.
(laughing)
- Get her out of here.
- Hey, Dave.
- Ruth.
- Why is Sophia Loren always
in a bathtub in her movies?
- You've got to be kidding.
If she took a shower, her
feet would never get wet.
(goofy music)
(humming)
- And that goes for
your hippopotamus, too.
Stay away from me.
Dr. Livingston, I presume.
- No, I'm his wife, Ethel.
- I'm going back to
the hippopotamus.
- This program was
prerecorded so the producer
could attend the
final fitting for his tutu.
- Very interesting.
But beware of the ides of March.
(laughing)
And don't take a shower
with June or April, either.
(laughing)
Good night, Lucy.
(drum beating)
(musical sting)