Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 22 - Episode #2.22 - full transcript

Three monks runner; bus stop malapropisms; We Can't Top This; Ann Miller news; Fickle Finger visits the Wichita Rifle Company. Tony Curtis, James Garner, Ann Miller, Smothers Brothers, Forrest Tucker, Robert Wagner, Shelley Winters.

- [Narrator] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

- Alright, Whacker,
this is your first time

at this sort of thing.

Let's see if you can cut it.

(kicks in door)

(woman screams)

- Hi.

You wanna buy a couple of
tickets to the policeman's ball?

- Well, Mrs. Fong, it's obvious

that you have the Burbank flu.



Go home, get in bed,
and take two mandarins

every four hours.

- Oh, but doctor,

I think you are confused.

A mandarin is a rich Chinese.

- Hmm, you're right.

In that case, go
home, get in bed,

and take two coolie's
every four hours.

- On a more serious vein,

we do have an expert on
the Hong Kong flu here tonight,

to advise us all on
this serious problem.

Doctor, what do you
recommend for the Hong Kong flu?

(speaking jibberish)

- Later that same epidemic.



(speaking gibberish)

- That will prevent
the Hong Kong flu.

- Yes, sir?

- Chocolate Marmaduke please.

- No Marmadukes left, how
about an ice cream cone?

(audience laughs)

= Just a minute, sir,
I'm a new teller here

and I've never handled
a hold-up before.

Guard, could you help me
over here with this bandit?

- As once again, the
Christmas holidays

approach from the East.

And our expectations
sink slowly in the West,

from high atop the exclusive
Cochaim Gravel Quarry,

beside the healing waters

of Burbank's memorial
drainage ditch,

NBC is legally
obliged to present,

Laugh-In and Martin's Rowan.

Starring Dan Rowan.

And Dick Martin,

with guest star, James Garner.

The Weir Brothers.

And Judy Carne.

Arte Johnson.

With Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson

Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues

and Jo Anne Worley.

Chelsea Brown.

Yours truly, Gary Owens,

and Morgul the Friendly Drelb
as Morgul the Friendly Drelb.

But first, this totally
extraneous message.

- I've had it, Jackie.

- What's wrong now, Aristotle?

- All the other guys at
the office have nice clips,

lettuce in their sandwiches,

but why is my lettuce
always soggy and wilted?

- Oh, brute, do you think
it's easy to run a home

on $100,000 a week?

- [Narrator] Man from glad,
rich couple behaving poorly.

- Here, here you two,

the course of true love
should never be in danger

because your lettuce is limp.

Let me see that sandwich.

A-ha!

It isn't the lettuce at all.

You've been using
thousand dollar bills.

- How was I to know?

The refrigerator
is full of them.

- Son of a gun.

- Jackie and Aristotle really,

lettuce doesn't grow
on trees, you know?

Oh, incidentally, you
ain't seen nothin' yet, folk.

- Mr. Garner, I
admire you very much,

and I would like
to shake your hand.

- Why, certainly.

(audience laughs)

- Fell for the old, I
admire you very much,

and would like to
shake your hand ploy.

(audience cheering)

(doorbell rings)

- I'm sorry, sir, we
don't buy guns here,

try the pawn shop next door.

- You're looking pretty
pensive this evening.

- I guess so.

I spent the weekend in the
old neighborhood I grew up in.

- Oh yeah, you probably
have quite a feeling

for those good old days.

- Well I got a
lot better feeling

for those good old nights.

- Hey, when you look
back at your childhood,

what do you see?

- Oh I see a little boy
and a farm in Kansas,

dreaming of a little
girl with blonde pigtails.

- I never knew you
grew up on a farm.

- I didn't.

- Well, where are
you in this picture?

- I was with the girl.

- Well what about
the little boy?

- Let him find his own girl.

- What sort of neighborhood
did you grow up in?

- Very small, one room.

- One room neighborhood?

- And tough.

You wouldn't believe this,
we had a police curfew.

You had to be off the
streets at 12 O'Clock.

- Oh that's not so bad.

- 12 O'Clock noon?

- That sounds like it was a
pretty tough neighborhood.

- Well, I guess so.

You know if you're
absent more than two days,

the teacher will mark ya dead.

- Well you must have some fond
memory of your neighborhood.

- I did.

Moving.

- Good idea, moving right along,

here's our laugh-in
look at potpourri.

- Operator, give me Los
Angeles, Crestview 511193.

- [Operator] You'll
have to speak up, miss.

- Okay, Los Angeles,
I want Los Angeles.

Give me Crestview 51193.

- Yes it's a female alright,
I can tell by the coloring.

She seems to be
calling her mate.

Yes here he comes,
he's approaching her.

And they seem to
be calling each other.

Now he's approaching,
closer, closer.

Oh darn.

- What happened?

- They pulled the blinds.

- Weekly meeting of the Pasadena
Planned Parenthood Society

was cancelled today when
someone ran off with the plans.

- I don't get it.

- Well that's a shame, Gladys.

You mean, you
really don't get it.

- What do you want,
a sworn affidavit?

- Come on, Jimbo, let's
talk about it, trust me.

- Oh don't feel badly, Tyrone.

Here have a little (mumbles).

- Mind going to the swings?

- They say that for a
really successful marriage,

a husband and wife must
work together to help each other.

So tonight we have with us,

Mrs. Donald Puffer,

1969 winner of the Woman
Behind the Man award.

How do you do it, Mrs. Puffer?

- Well, it is
difficult, Mr. Garner.

I mean I put my
husband through college

by scrubbing floors by day,

and ushering at the
local movie house at night.

And then while
he was struggling,

I took in washing
and waited on tables.

I did his bookkeeping and
typing while he was on the road.

- Well, your efforts
certainly paid of, Mrs. Puffer.

Today your husband is one
of the world's wealthiest men.

Tell us when did the
turning point come?

- Well it was right after
I divorced that loser,

and I married
wealthy old Mr. Puffer.

- You know there's a
legend in show business

to the effect that a
really great performer

could get laughs by
reading the phone book.

Here now to test that
theory is Miss Ruth Buzzi.

- It's Billy Bardi for you.

- Jones, Jay.

(laughs)

Jones, Misses E (laughs)

Jones, Peter A (laughs)

Jones, Wilfred
Physician (laughs)

Oh well, I guess
they've heard that before.

- I tell you, Miss Jenkins,

I'm going broke trying to
compete with Flasher Toys,

they keep coming up with
new ideas and outselling us.

- Well what do you plan to do?

- Spy on them.

We're gonna copy every
move Flasher Toys makes.

- Boss, Flasher
Toys just changed

their distribution center.

They discontinued air
freight, and bought 500 trucks.

- Well thanks, Leroy.

- Charlie, discontinue air
freight and buy 500 trucks.

- Hey boss, Flasher Toys
just pulled all their advertising

out of magazines
and put it on TV.

- Okay, Mort.

Pull all our advertising out of
magazines, and put it on TV.

- Hey boss, Flasher Toys
just pulled their fanny dolls

off the line, and
junked the mole.

- Doll department, pull the
fanny's and destroy the moles.

That's right, destroy the moles.

See everything they do, we do.

- Hey boss, Flasher
Toys just went bankrupt.

- He got me again.

- Now you lookie here,

you told me that this saw
would cut down 24 trees a day.

And I work from
sun up to sun down,

but I can only cut 13.

- Well that's strange.

Well maybe there's
something wrong with the motor.

- Motor?

Motor?

What's a motor?

- Well so much for potpourri.

- Right and this
week's lucky winner is

Mrs. Debra Carl of
Bunyon, Washington.

Good luck, Mrs. Carl.

- Oh, Mr. Wagner,

would you audition me
for a job in the movies?

- Sure.

Let me hear you say,

I have two together
in the front row.

("Pop Goes the Weasel")

(hollow knocking)

- Arte, gosh I haven't
seen you since high school.

- How ya been, Goldie?

- And now for those of you

who would like
to hear that again.

- That's not funny.

- Mr. Garner,

I must say that I admire you
and your shoulders very much.

Well, I'd just like
to shake your hand.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm onto that old trick.

And now you'll grab me,

and you'll bend me
back and kiss me.

- Whatever do you
mean, handsome?

- Well, it's like this.

- Like how?

Wow!

Oh, you devil, you
tricked me again.

- Bird.

- What's a transmitter?

- A Japanese radio.

- No, that's a transistor.

- Excuse me, but a transistor is

someone just
passing through town.

- No, no, I think you'll
find that's a tranchet

- No, wait a tranchet,

isn't it that little window
over the hotel door?

- No, Jo Anne, that's a transom.

- Oh, come on now,

a transom's what you kidnap
people and hold them for.

- That's ransom.

- No, anything that's ransom's

been left in the
refrigerator for too long.

- Not ransom, rancid.

- I thought rancid was
a movie about Spain,

starring Charlton Heston.

- No, you're thinking of El Cid.

- Oh, wait a minute, isn't Al
Sid that Mexican comedian?

- No, that's Cantinflas.

- No, I speak Spanish, and
Cantinflas is a Mexican bar.

- Well you don't
speak it very well.

A Mexican bar is
called a cantina,

that's a poor translation.

Translation, isn't that
where you send out signals?

- I believe that's
a transmitter.

- Well what's a transmitter?

- Yeah, what is a transmitter?

- Well have you ever seen one?

I mean what else
would you call it?

- I've worked in every
phase of show business.

Legitimate theater,
films, television,

now this.

- You think this
cast is wild now,

you oughta see
'em during recess.

- Hey, Tommy, I
finally figured out

why the show is so popular.

You see the straight
man has a mustache,

and his partner's a dumbbell.

And they do satirical material,

and they're always in
trouble with the censors.

- Why didn't we think of that?

- I say, as long as a
Jewish boy from the Bronx

can play a disturbed Italian,

in an Irish Catholic community,

there's still hope for America.

- Excuse me, sir.

I would just love a
chocolate marmaduke.

- Oh there's been
quite a run on those.

How about a
strawberry ice cream?

- Oh, alright.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're nice.

- Well thank you.

(whimsical music)

(horn blowing sound)

- Is this a deposit
or a withdrawal?

- And now, Dick, we're
really gonna have some fun.

- Raquel Welch is here?

- No, now it's time
for 'we can't top this'

- A-Ha I was right!

Raquel Welch is here.

- No, it's our new department,

we can't top this.

You see every once in
a while we come across

actual newspaper
stories so weird

there's nothing more to say.

So we'll read them
exactly as we found them

in the nation's
leading publications.

- Sounds great, let's
get to the goodies.

- Alright, for instance,

like this story found in
Newsweek magazine.

It seems that the English
actress Margaret Rutherford

had an adopted son, Gordon Hall.

Well, recently, Gordon
changed his sex

and became Miss Dawn Hall.

And then, as she the former he,

married a Negro garage
mechanic in a Baptist church.

Margaret was delighted.

The family, in fact,
has only one real qualm.

I do wish, a great aunt
declared from London,

that Dawn wasn't
marrying a Baptist.

- I don't think they
oughta worry about that.

Dawn can always
change her religion.

After all, she changed
everything else.

(laughs)

- Speaking of
disappearances, here's Jimmy.

- Siderno, Italy United
Press International.

Giuseppe Cocomo did not return

after joining the Italian
Army 26 years ago.

His wife, Rosina, and
children, Tera and Maria

thought he was dead.

They dawned traditional
black mourning dress

and prayed frequently for him.

Then, Mrs. Cocomo,
told newsmen today,

her husband came home.

He wouldn't say where
he had been since 1942,

nor what he'd been doing.

It was a big party with
relatives and friends,

and when it was over,
Cocomo disappeared again.

- If I were you, I wouldn't
let Cocomo walk my dog.

My wife, maybe, but not my dog.

- Hey, here's
another one you'll like.

- Fort Lauderdale
Florida Associated Press.

The city commission's
new ordinance

to ban obscenity in books,
magazines, and records

for those under
17 is so specific

in describing anatomical
features and acts,

which may not be portrayed,

that the Miami Herald reported

the definition is unprintable.

- You mean the
obscenity law was so dirty

they couldn't even print it?

- Nope.

- I'd call that a dirty shame.

- I quite agree with you.

- Where can I get a copy?

- Come on, Dick.

Oh whatever turns you on.

First, he's our last one.

From the Los Angeles
Times Editorial section,

you've got it.

- I got it here.

Atlanta, Georgia governor
Lester Maddox of Georgia,

told a news conference
the other day,

and answered the criticism
about Georgia's prison reform.

Quote, we're doing
the best we can.

And before we do much better,

we're gonna have to get
a better grade of prisoners,

unquote.

- I know.

Sounds to me like they need
a better grade of governor.

However, that's we
can't top this, for tonight.

Dick, anything you'd
like to add to that?

- Yeah, I still wish
Raquel Welch was here.

(old man sings)

- Can you read the
devotion in my eyes?

Can you read the
passion in my heart?

Can you read the
bumps on my head?

- Later that same park bench.

- So you say this

little old man in a black
coat attacked you, huh?

- Yes, that's right officer.

It was awful.

- Well let me take
down your particulars.

(gasps)

- Boy, you can't trust
anybody these days.

- Now that's what
this show needs,

more pregnant pathos.

(Clock ticking)

- Well it's about time
somebody rang my chime.

- Well, by golly,

he read from the cue card.

I see by the clock and
the old clubhouse cuckoo,

it's that time once again.

- Time to ring Big Al's chime?

- No you dingaling.

- Time for Alan to
ring our chimes?

- No, wrong again.

But be that as it may,

it's time for Laugh-In's
discovery of the week,

and are you in for a treat.

- Don't tell me I get to
ring ol' Goldie's chimes?

- Better than that.

Tonight we have an act

that's been rehearsing
all season long for this,

their television premiere.

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.

- Another Laugh-In first.

- You might say that.

So without further ado,

let's welcome the
unique, melodic selections

of the first string quartet of
beautiful downtown Burbank.

(audience clapping)

(classical music)

- That was the moment
we've all been waiting for?

(coughing)

- No that was the moment
we've all been waiting for.

- There's a lot of
that going around.

- Yeah there certainly is.

(coughs)

I can see you have
no appreciation

for fine, local musical talent.

Where is your civic pride?

- I lost it at the symphonette.

- Well I suggest
you go and find it.

- I got a better idea.

- And that would be?

- I think I'll go ring
ol' Goldie's chimes.

- Buns.

- Mr. Garner, I
admire you very much.

- Well, yes.

- And I've seen all your movies.

- Yes, Goldie.

- That's all.

- Well, wait a minute,

you're supposed
to shake my hand.

- Well if I do that,
you'll wanna do this.

You're not gonna trick
me, Jim Garner movie star.

(classical music)

- May I have a serious
moment with you, please?

I just wanna ask a question.

Do you believe in the hereafter?

- Of course I do.

- Well then you know
what I'm hereafter.

- And now a temporal suspension

to enable our transmitting locus

to identify it's nomenclature.

- Goldie, why didn't you
just say station break?

- It's too hard to pronounce.

- And now before starting
with a barrage of commercials,

which are briefly interrupted
by screams and gafaws.

Here's a word for the benefit
of NBC's favorite charity,

which just happens to be NBC.

- Mr. Garner, I
admire you very much,

but unfortunately all they'll
let me do is shake your hand.

- Your place or mine?

- Come.

- Have a walnetto.

- Very interesting.

But right now in Birmingham,

they're running a test pattern.

You believe it.

- Oui, oui.

- Oh, I wish somebody
would ring my chimes.

- I don't get it.

- And never will.

- Me either.

- This is really the
Burbank of television shows.

(classical music)

- Hi, big Jim here.

The news has become sort of
a institution on the laugh end,

so for those of you who
have always wondered,

what goes on in an institution,

here come the news, here come
the news, here come the news.

Watch the news
across the nation,

We have got the information

In a way we open our news

We just long To
give you our news

La-Da-Di-Da Ladies, and gents,

And here's Dan.

- For the news of the present,

here's the man with
whom the news wouldn't be

the news without the
news, here's Ducky.

- That's Dicky.

- Oh well, there he is.

- Chicago, Illinois.

In order to finance
a publicity campaign,

refuting rumors of
police corruption,

Mayor Daley held a
police auction today.

Well known underworld
figure, James Apples Mulligan,

purchased a paddy
wagon, two patrol men,

and a desk sergeant.

Washington, D.C.,

where the fantastic
success of the Beatle album

showing John Lennon
and his girlfriend, nude.

It was rumored today,
Everett Dirksen's next album

may feature a nude photograph
of the senator taking a bath.

The album is tentatively titled,

Everett McKinley
Dirksen Does His Thing.

Meanwhile in Warsaw,

the Polish economy
collapsed entirely today,

when someone asked the
government for a change of 10.

Take it away, Goldie.

- And now with the
news of the future,

20 years from now, here's Dan.

- That was terrible, Goldie.

Shape up.

- California, 1989,
20 years from now.

From Frank Sinatra's
home in Palm Springs,

where he has retired
for health reasons,

ex Los Angeles mayor Sam Yorty

has announced that
he is still available

for a high government post,

should president
Nixon call up on him.

In Washington,
Mr. Nixon said, Sam who?

New York City, 1989,

the world ecumenical
movement reached its peak today,

when ex-Rabbi Hyman
Rabinowitz married

former sister Mary Katherine,

in a ceremony conducted by
Tibetan guru, Randar Shan.

Bride and groom announced
they will raise their children

as orthodox
atheists, God willing.

Paris, 1989.

As 98 year old Charles Degaw,

continued to rule France,
opposition leader Pierre Cardan,

reminded his followers today

that the general is only human,

and cannot go on forever,

Monsieur Cardan was
immediately arrested

and charged with heresy.

- That's much better.

My feet were just killing me.

(laughs)

And now, for the sports,

here's Laugh-In's baseball
diamond in the rough,

old fongo himself, Alan Sues.

- Hi.

Featurette.

Love that.

Just got back from
Calabasas' frog jumping contest.

Disgusting!

Little green devils hopping
around going (ribbits).

Some of those
beasts can really jump.

Good grief.

But the longest leap
of all, 27 and a half feet,

was by yours truly, when
one of those slimy rascals

landed inside my shirt.

Shudder, shudder.

I hope I don't get warts
on my fruit of the loom.

Tata.

- And now, with all the
weather that's fit to breathe,

here's Don Windave,
take it Don Win... dave.

- Hi, Don Windave here
in sunny Los Angeles,

where our good mayor Yorty
has solved his smog problem.

This morning, Mayor
Yorty moved to Phoenix.

To be philosophical about it,

our loss is Phoenix's loss.

- By now organ transplants

are becoming
everyday occurrences.

Soon, arranging for one

will be as simple
as buying a new suit.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- I'm Martin Stone, remember me?

- Oh, of course,
how could I forget?

You're one of my best customers.

Let's see, last year you
had a kidney transplant,

and the year before
that, a liver, right?

And one lung.

Well what can I
do for you today?

- I was looking for something
kinda new in a heart.

- You're in luck,
we're having a sale.

- No kidding?

Oh that's great.

See I'm getting
married next week

and I thought I'd like to
try it out on the honeymoon.

- Your honeymoon?

In that case, let me show
you a few accessories.

(whimsical music)

- Well, folks, that about
wraps up the news for tonight.

Right, duck?

- That's Dick.

And for those of you in the
Rocky Mountain time zone,

be careful driving down hill.

Oh, and tonight's
second place winner is

Mrs. Norman Torag
of Coos Bay, Oregon.

- Very interesting.

But if you ask me,

the whole caboodle was fixed.

Who's pay, my foot.

Norman the Torag
lives in Arabia.

(cries)

(bell ringing)

- Alright, sir,

now I'll put this in the
safety deposit box for you.

Oh and don't go away,
wait for your receipt.

- Mother.

- Mr. Garner, I
admire you very much

and would like to
shake your hand.

- I'm sorry, but I didn't
understand a word you said.

- I said, I admire
you very much,

and would love to
shake your hand.

- Sorry...
- Alright, I said,

I admire you,

oh never mind.

- Now I understand.

- Hello, Goldie.

- My mother told me
never to talk to stranglers.

- Dump.

- Hey you know what I miss?

- No, what do you miss?

- Well we're not doing a
party on tonight's show.

- Well we don't have to do
the same thing every week.

- But I like the party.

- So do I, but we
still don't have to do

the same thing every week.

- I suppose not.

Well, no use crying over
spilled milk, I suppose.

- Glad to see you're
taking it so well.

- Yep, may as
well just forget it.

C'mon, let's go.

- Where are we going?

- The party, where else?

- Might as well come
too, you're all invited.

(audience claps)

- Well, I hear in Regina,

the government is
burning books again.

Oh no reason for you
republicans to worry,

it's not a political problem.

Probably just a
shortage of coal.

- You know Boris
reads just everything

he can get his little hands on.

Which is wonderful.

Ever since I had
my body painted.

- You know I read
a book every week.

It's called Candy.

- If the relaxation in
the book world keeps up,

pretty soon they'll
have to mail the Bible

in plain brown wrappers.

- Hey, Goldie.

- What?

- Have you read Hedy
Lamarr's autobiography?

- No, who wrote it?

- Hedy Lamarr wrote it.

- Well what's it about?

- About 300 pages.

- Oh, that Hedy
Lamarr Autobiography.

- In Minsk, they
just published book

about men who harbor yachts

(speaks gibberish)

and still has a
nice skin condition.

- I guess everyone
has his favorite poem.

But the one that really turns
me on is Leaves of Grass.

- Have you ever taken
out a librarian, Dick?

- No I took out a
librarian Susan,

and I took out a
librarian Nancy,

but off-hand I've never
taken out a librarian Dick.

That I can remember.

- Dad's really miffed at
me, to get me into college

he had to endow a library.

Then I lead the student
revolt and burned it up.

- You know, Jimmy,

every year I get one
book for my birthday.

I wish, just once,

somebody would give
me the complete works.

- In my neighborhood,

the first grade has a
new textbook with soul.

It's called Dick and
Jane, let it all hang out.

- You know the trouble
with reading candy is,

two hours later
you're hungry again.

- Well if they really
wanna keep pornography

away from the kids,
put it in the textbooks,

where they'll never see it.

(audience clapping)

- Tune in next time,

when we'll find out
what is meant by

Margo Lane being Lamont
Cranston's friend and companion.

- It's the ice cream man!

Can I have a chocolate
marmaduke, please?

- I'm sorry, we're out.

How about a nice ice cream cone?

- That's exactly what I wanted.

Listen, all I have
here is a $20 bill.

- 20?

- Do you have change for a...
- Ah!

(laughing)

- Oh, ah!

- Oh, c'mon now.

You misspelled robbery,
and you forgot the commas

after 10's, 20's, and 50's,

and your penmanship
is atrocious.

And go over and write
that again, 100 times.

- We already did
this bit once, Goldie.

- I know, but we
just did it again.

Why would any man
want to go to war,

When there's good
food to be eaten

Why must a man go to war,

Just to see that
his enemy is beaten

Soufflé's abound
all over the world

Show me your escargot

And maybe then
we'll know know know

Why would any
man want to go to war

When food abounds
in natural state

Things that you would

Digest any day you want

- And now, moving
along musically,

here is the Frank
McGee All Girl Orchestra

singing the Nielsen
Concerto, number 96.

(classical music)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Can I have a
chocolate marmaduke?

- We're all out, I'm sorry,

but you can have our special.

- Thanks.

- My pleasure.

- Anybody home?

- Put the money in the bag and,

oh sir, what's your
account number?

- Now sir, do you have any
receipt for these deductions?

(grunts)

Can you prove
that all these people

are actually dependent upon you?

(grunts)

Well, please, I'm
only trying to help you.

(grunts)

Well it looks as if
you might be entitled

to quite a large refund.

- Approximately how big a
refund in your estimation?

- Here, why don't you
take these walnetto's

and plant 'em with your corn.

- You haven't got a
jujube on you, have you?

- Kip

- Mr. Garner, I
admire you very much,

and I... - You wouldn't dare.

(rings bell)

- I was kidding, just kidding!

- Alright then, fellas,

it's about that time.

Let me have it, I'm ready.

- C'mon, Judy, open your eyes.

There's no sock
it to me anymore.

- There isn't?

You wouldn't lead
me on, would ya?

- Why of course not.

Just once, fellas, let's
spare our blameless moppet

from these unending indignities,

to which Judy, I must
say, you have displayed

amazing fortitude and
endurance, you have held in there

no matter what
they've done to you,

and you've taken it
all, never wimper...

- Oh Dan, it's
really sweet of you,

but the audience
is getting bored.

- What did you say, Judy?

- They're getting bored.

Bored, you know?

Bored.

- Bored?

- Yes...
- Oh, board.

- At least it wasn't water.

I get it all now,

it was all just a
trap, wasn't it?

- Hey guys, see
that she fell for it.

- Yeah she sure did.

- At least it wasn't wet.

Alright, guys, now
I'm getting bored.

- What did you say, Jim?

- I said I'm getting bored.

- They forget this, Jim.

I got it all, you
might as well have it.

- Let the man who would
pluck a pussy willow beware,

for he may find he
has the tiger by the tail,

or a plant by the pot.

- Hi, Goldie.

- Hi, Dan, - No, I'm
not Dan, I'm Dick.

- Oh yeah, well if you're
Dick, where's Dan?

Dan?

- Which one is Dan?

- I wonder if you'd mind if
I left a little early tonight?

- Well certainly I'd mind.

- Well a friend
of mine is laid up,

and I promised to
stop by, that's all.

- Oh really, what's
the matter with him?

- Him?

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- I'm supposed to
change the bandages.

- Oh it sounds serious.

- Yeah, she got a chest cold.

- I never heard of anybody
bandaging a chest cold.

- Neither did she.

- Well I suppose the big thing

is to keep her from
getting pneumonia.

- No the big thing is to
keep her from getting well.

- After working on
television for so long,

it's really refreshing getting
back into radio like this.

- Hello, dear.

- Dear, you forgot to come
home for lunch again today.

What's the matter, dear,
can't you remember anything?

- Of course I can, Helen.

- It's Stella!

- Yeah, Stella.

Where are the two kids?

- Three kids.

- Alright, three kids.

- Oh, Henry, when
are you going to

do something about your memory?

- Well I went to that memory
lecture, you remember?

- Well, sure, it was the night
you forgot to come home.

- Sorry about that, Helen.

- It's Stella!

- Stella.

You sure are touchy
all of a sudden.

- Oh, well.

It's just that today
is our anniversary.

And you forgot.

- Well, I'm sorry, honey.

Happy tenth anniversary.

- 15!

- 15, and everyone
has been a happy one.

Just want you to know that
the greatest joys in my life

have been you and the two boys.

- Three.

- Three boys.

- Three girls.

- Sure, Helen.

- Stella!

(cries)

In a little while, Alice is
coming over here to take us out.

- Alice?

Hey that's wonderful,
good old Alice.

Who is Alice?

- Your sister.

Now look, I'm going to
say this very carefully,

and very slowly.

In a little while
Alice, your sister,

is coming over to
take you, Henry,

and me, Stella,
and our three girls

out for our 15th
wedding anniversary.

Now, you think you
can remember that?

- I'll remember all that
or my name isn't Percy.

- Henry!

- I'm sorry, Helen.

- Stella!

I'm Stella.

Stella, Stella, Stella!

- Yes, yes, yes!

- Yes what?

- Yes ma'am!

- Now, what are you going
to say when she gets here?

- Well, I'll say,
welcome Stella!

- Alice, Alice!

- I'm sorry, Alice.

- No, she's Alice.

- Well make up your mind, Helen.

- Stella!

In a little while she's
going to be here,

what am I gonna do?

(knocking)

- Come in.

Welcome, Stella.

- Oh, hi Percy!

Hi, Helen.

Happy 10th anniversary.

Well, get the two
boys and let's go.

- And now, folk,

here's one of this week's
funny letters to Laugh-In.

Sent in my Douglas Mollatar
of Altadena, California.

- When I was 12, my
uncle sent me a broad.

- Gee, all my uncle ever
sent me was a bicycle.

- Keep America
beautiful, by Henry Gibson.

Litter is an autographs

so don't sign your
name in garbage.

Don't make your street
corner Grauman's Chinese Pig.

- Well I see by the
little old finger in the air,

that it's time once again,

for the flying fickle
finger of fate award.

- Well, who gets the
upright appendage tonight?

- Those crack shots down at
the Winchester Rifle Company.

- Really, I thought they
were doing a bang-up job?

- Well, they are.

This is for their youth
education program.

You see, they've realized

they've only been
making guns for adults,

and have completely
ignored the kids.

- But some big shot
took care of it, huh?

- Yup, and they've come
out with a kiddie size.

A number one, bang bang,
drop 'em dead, shotgun

for the young set.

- A real shotgun for children?

- Right, including, as
the Winchester ad says,

and I quote,

a brass bead site, that
helps the untrained eye

zero in on target,

and inside there's
that one shot shell

just waiting to teach a boy
how to make every shot count,

unquote.

- That sounds kind
of dangerous to me.

- Well I guess you
have to take chances

if you wanna sell shotguns.

- You're absolutely right!

- Award up.

- Here Winchester Rifle Company,

to avoid accidents, jam
this in your loading chamber.

- Isn't that statue
pretty small?

- Yeah, but when it grows
up it'll really do some damage.

- Be sure to tune in next week,

when the flying,
fickle finger of fate,

or the wonderful wiggler,
as our choreographer calls it,

will be given to
the United Nations.

For all the wonderful
work they've done in Biafra.

- Well, would you
like to Jewish wrestle?

- I thought I'd just try again.

Are you still out of
chocolate marmadukes?

- I'm afraid so, mom,

but I have something
else for you.

- Oh.

- Not too much dark.

- Alan, do you have the flu,

because if you
don't you got it now.

- C'mon, c'mon hurry up.

- Well if you don't
like our service,

you can take your
business elsewhere.

- Sit.

- Nuts.

- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Ducky.

- Goodnight, Ducky.

- Goodnight, Ducky.

- I prefer Dick.

- Who's Dick?

- And you know, I
think you're even going

to be interested in
next week's show.

We've managed to get
as a guest next week,

wait 'til I tell 'em who it is.

- It's not that, I was
laughing at something

my aunt once told me.

- Oh yeah,

well your aunt would like
to see the show next week.

- She was trapped
in a rehearsal hall,

over at Warner Brothers
about a few years ago,

with 145 tap dancers

on an old Dick Powell,
Ruby Keeler movie.

(laughing) Gosh when she
came out, I'll never forget it.

- Yes, well even
so, next week...

- I thought perhaps, what
she said when she came out

of the rehearsal hall
would be of interest.

- I suppose we're
gonna have to hear.

What'd she say?

- What'd she say?

She happens to be
here, she'll tell you herself.

- Your aunt is here?

- Sure, aunt Anne.

- Oh, I've always
wanted to meet her.

That's your aunt Anne?

- That's aunt Anne.

You remember when you
were trapped in the rehearsal hall

with 155 tap dancers on that
Dick Powell, Ruby Keeler movie?

- Yeah I do.

- Well, remember
when you left the room,

remember what you said?

Tell him!

- Alright, all I said was,

blow in my ear, and
I'll follow you anywhere.

(laughs)

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, dick.

- Goodnight, everybody.

That's Aunt Anne there.

- If Mickey Rooney
married Joi Lansing,

he'd probably jump for joy.

- Arte, where are ya?

My brother is a hypochondriac.

- People like that make me sick.

- Hey, Dave, you know something?

The one thing that made
me sad when I was traveling,

was all those Yankee
go home signs.

- Were you in Europe?

- No, in Alabama.

- Dick, what does sadist mean?

- Beats me.

- Maybe the reason so
many people go to Tijuana

is that the grass is always
greener on the other side.

- Gee, Goldie, you
sure have pretty eyes.

- Oh, I'm so glad you like them.

They were birthday presents.

- Goldie, if you
were any smarter,

wow would you be dumb.

- How many guesses do I get?

- I just came from graduation
exercises at Berkley,

it was a riot.

- I fired the guy who
gives me my massages.

- Oh, why Henry?

- He rubs me the wrong way.

- James Garner?

- Oh yes?

- I've got one for you.

What do you call a person
who puts you in touch

with the spirit world?

- A bartender?

- You hairy devil!

("Pop Goes the Weasel")

(whimsical music)

- Now when you
make your getaway,

don't go through the park,

because it's full of muggers.

Careful now.

- Mr. Garner, my ancestors
came across the Delaware

in a row boat.

- Well, that's nothing.

I have an aunt who
came across in a canoe.

- This program was prerecorded,

because after six o'clock,

the prices go up to
three dollars a plate.

- Very interesting.

And now a special
message for Matt Dillon.

How come since Chester left you,

you don't limp no more?

(laughs)

Goodnight, Lucy, my liebchen.

Und goodnight, Spiro.

Whoever you are.