Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 21 - Episode #2.21 - full transcript

- The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

Let's tell a joke and start
the whole world laughin'

Let's do a schtick and
set 'em on their ears

Let's cross our eyes and
make a face and do a routine

Something bizarre
See what I mean

Tell the one about
the traveling salesman

It's always worked,
since Hector was a pup

We're only after
a little laughter

So everybody
laugh it up (laughing)

- Dick, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?



- That was no lady. That
was Myra Breckenridge.

- Say, fellas, my brother

spent the last two
years at Berkeley.

- I didn't know he
was a college student.

- He's not. He's an
Oakland policeman.

- Hey, Henry, does Lester Maddox

serve buffalo in his restaurant?

- No, Chelsea, you'll both
have to go around back.

- Miss Goldie Hawn,
how in the world

are we ever gonna make
ends meet in this country?

- Well, David, get a
contortionist in the White House.

- Judy, Judy, Judy.

- What is it, Jo Anne?

- Tell me this.
- What?



- What has four
wheels and flies?

- Timothy Leary's rollaway bed.

- Was it very crowded at
the White House reception

last night, Allan?

- Not under my table.

- Hey, Chelsea, you
don't seem to think much

of George Wallace.

How come?

- Well, Goldie, I'll tell ya,

the way I see it is if he had
his conscience taken out

it'd be a minor operation.

- Dan, what does a
senator take home in a year?

- Oh, Judy, any given amount.

- Rowan and Martin, Rowan
and Martin, Rowan and Martin.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- I think Curtis LeMay would've
made a great vice president

except for one thing.

- What's that big Jo?

- His head.

- I didn't even know
he earned a boat.

- Your brother
was trying so hard

to get a government position.

What's he doing now?

- Nothing.

- Oh! He got the job.

- You know something, camera?

If Raquel Welch
married Cassius Clay,

well that would be like bringing
the mountains to Mohammed.

- You know, Connie,
the war in Viet Nam

is costing us 24
billion dollars a year.

- Oh, shoot, Henry,
with all that money,

why don't we find a
nicer place to fight in?

- Guiseppe Guadalupe,

I hear that your
brother lifts dumbbells.

- Well, Edith May
Sophie, that's right.

He runs an elevator for
the State Department.

So tell a joke and start
the whole world laughin'

'Cause now and then
we'll always fill a cot

It's fast and zippy,
you bet your bippy

So everybody laugh it up, ha ha

Everybody laugh it up (applause)

- And now, from the repair shop

of the beautiful downtown
Burbank maternity ward,

NBC asks the musical question,

Laugh In, starring Dan Rowan

and Dick Martin,

with guest star Connie Stephens,

and Judy Carnes,

Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzy,

Henry Gibson,

Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,

Chelsea Brown,
and Jo Anne Worley,

yours truly, Gary Owens,

and Morgul as
the friendly drelb.

- But first, folk,
here's a commercial

to bring our show
off to a flying stop.

- And that's our
show for tonight, folk.

Here with a final word are
the irrepressible Dan Rowan

and the pressable Dick Martin.

(applause)

- Well, you've done it again.
Five hours late for rehearsal.

- It's not my fault if I got
one of the lady cab drivers

in Los Angeles who
doesn't know her way around.

- Where'd you find
a lady cab driver?

- She was parked in the
lobby of my apartment.

- That makes sense, I guess.

- Backed right in.

- You grabbed her in the lobby.

- I beg your pardon?

- It took you five hours
to get from your apartment

to the studio?

- No, that took
about 20 minutes.

- Well now don't tell
me you ran out of gas.

- Well, I held up
my end pretty good

but she got a little tired.

- Well, I hope you're
pleased with yourself.

You kept 50 people
waiting here for rehearsal.

The first thing you do is
hop in the back of a cab.

- No, first thing I did
was turn off the meter.

- You turned off the meter.

- Yeah, the ticking
throws me timing off.

- At least you could've
made a phone call.

- I would've but I
didn't have any money.

- You didn't have any money?
How'd you pay for the cab?

- That's what I've
been trying to tell ya.

- Oh, don't you
just love that Dick

. Oh.

- It's not true that
actors are vain.

They're just like
everybody else.

I get up every morning,
kiss my mirror goodbye,

and go off to work.

- If it feels good, do it.

- You need a program to
tell the fruit from the nuts,

you know.

- How does that grab
you, bippy lovers?

- You know, this show
is a little confusing

but I think I finally
have it classified.

What it is, is a sorta
lunatic fringe version

of Sermonette.

- Ever notice that girls
who fool around taste salty?

- They wouldn't say that
on the Good Ship Lollipop.

- He doesn't know. He's
never been out with one.

- Well, ring my chimes.

- How 'bout a few quickies?

- Oh, I'll drink to that.

- I thought you would.

- Anybody knows, you want a
few laughs, have a few quickies.

- Yes, friends, there's a
new department for Laugh In,

so join us for a few quickies.

- Uh, the truck
drivin' hint number 16.

If you're driving a
large dynamite truck

up an extremely icy, steep hill,

and your motor dies
and your brakes fail,

and you start rollin'
backwards downhill,

immediately adjust
your rearview mirror.

- Judy Fairy?
- Yes?

- Can I borrow a
cup of stardust?

Hoagie Carmichael's
coming to dinner.

- Little John? Little John?

- Over there, behind the trees.

- Gentlemen, Wacker,
I'm proud to announce

that we have finally solved
the auto safety problem.

This morning, six
of our top engineers

kidnapped Ralph Nader.

- This is your offstage
announcer reminding you,

my hair is on fire.

- It's outrageous, Jo Anne.

The police stopped
me the other night.

Something about a
warrant for a parking ticket

from two years ago.

- You're kidding.

- No, they took me to the
station house, booked me,

fingerprinted me, kept
me in jail overnight,

all for a lousy
two-dollar parking ticket.

- Well, that's terrible, Connie.

I mean, it does
seem a bit harsh.

Well, what did they stop
you for in the first place?

- Oh, I ran over a fireman.

- So there ya have it,
tonight's Laugh In quickies.

- We'll be having a few
quickies from time to time

so remember our slogan.

- That's your slogan.

- Yeah, if you want a few
laughs, have a few quickies.

- Speaking of The Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate.

Well, as you can see
by the little old finger

gleaming in the spotlight,
once again it's time

for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award.

- Who gets the little
darling digit this time?

- The auditor of the
city of Dallas, Texas.

- Ah ha, heavens forbid.
What's he done to deserve it?

- Well recently a city policeman
picked up his paycheck.

Unfortunately, he was killed
that night in the line of duty.

Now the city auditor has
asked the patrolman's widow

to return 27 dollars and
72 cents of the paycheck,

claiming it was based
on the amount of overtime

they thought the
policeman would put in.

And they couldn't have
27 dollars and 72 cents

on the books to a dead man.

- Well, I don't have
27.72 on me, but I do have

a little something here
for the Dallas city auditor.

- Mm-hm.

- Here you are, city auditor.
You certainly earned it.

And by the way, you can
hold onto that overtime.

No extra charge.

- And be sure and
tune in next week, folk,

when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,

or the Precious Pinky, as
the guys in the wardrobe call it,

will go to ABC for not announcing
its annual second season

until most of its third
season had been cancelled.

- Later that same evening...

- Say, Judy, what's all this
sock it to me business about?

- Well, Connie, it's strange.

But it usually starts
when I say, sock it to me.

Sometimes they sock it
to me for no reason at all.

- Sometimes you
can sit in the grass

and you just don't believe
the splash you can get.

But don't worry. It don't
happen to nobody but Judy.

- I think,
psychologically speaking,

it's just a form of release
for our childish producers.

C-F-G! (laughing)

- You know what?

They think I don't know
when it's gonna happen.

They think I don't
know when it's gonna,

and I'm gonna get it
socked to me, but I do.

I know how to bear
the brunt of it all.

I sit a little back in my chair,

and I lean to
the side like this.

(women exclaim)

- If you ask me, I
think it's all a little silly.

- Another cute trick
that they tell us is

there's not gonna be
any sock it to me tonight

but you watch, there will be.

- Oh my goodness.

So true.

- I'm not worried at all
because they would never

have the nerve to
sock it to the guest star.

You know we
better go inside, girls.

If we stay out any longer
we're gonna get sun stroke.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

- Ah, la, lu, lu, lu.

Do you love me?

- Oh!

- Do you like me?

You sure know how
to sweet talk a man.

(silly music)

- I thought you'd never get
here you gorgeous thing.

Did you bring the
detergent? Huh?

Come on. Come in here.

- Oh, honey, I got great news.

Your lawyer says he'll
have you out in three weeks.

- Three weeks?
- Yeah.

- I can't leave in three weeks.

- Why?

- It'll take me at least a
month to finish my tapestry.

- Are you going to wait up
for the missus tonight, sir?

- Oh, I don't think so,
my dear. I think I'll retire.

- Oh, then would you
like me to tuck you in?

- Well, that's very
nice of you, my dear.

- You miss her
terribly, don't you?

- Yes. These last 17
years haven't been easy.

(musical flourish)

- C-F-G.

I'm getting married
in the morning

(vocalizes operatically)

(silly music)

- No question about it, honey,

you should be home by Christmas.

- Christmas? No, no, I
can't leave before Christmas.

- Why?

- I'm one of the angels
in the prison play.

- It's getting late, sir.
You really should retire.

- Yes, I am exhausted.

I must've walked in my
sleep again last night.

- You were asleep?

- Mr. Brooks?
- Yes?

- Are you really the two
thousand year old man?

- No.

- Oh, bye.

- And now, to the
University of California

in exotic Berkeley, let's
return to Leave it to Cleaver.

- And now it's time for
the Laugh In news report.

For those of you watching
for the first time tonight,

I really don't know
quite how to describe

the Laugh In news report to you.

I guess you might say
it's, well, it's sort of like

a second honeymoon
for a couple in their 80s.

It's a lot more fun
to think about it

than it is to actually watch it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Laugh In news report.

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope will amuse you

We just want to
give you our views

La, la, di, da

Ladies and gents, Laugh
In's look at the news

- [All] Here's Dan.

(applause)

- Ah, with the
news of the present,

here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news

without the news.

Here's Dickie.

(applause)

(distorted theme from
"The Tonight Show")

- I think I just saw
five Minnie Pearls.

Green Bay Wisconsin.

The sporting world
was shocked today

when the United Fruit Company

purchased the Green Bay Packers,

which will now be called
the Green Bay Fruits.

Hollywood, busty
screen star Raquel Welch

has agreed to go
topless for the part of Jane

in the movie, Tarzan Goes Ape.

There'll be a lot of
swinging in that one.

Beverly Hills, California.

Steve McQueen's wife was
released from the hospital today

after a mysterious
transplant operation.

Steve would make no
comment except to say,

now it's a lot more
fun to dance with her.

Take it away, Goldie.

- And now, with the
news of the future,

here's our own Dan Rowan.

- Well, Goldie, that
was just perfect.

- Well, thank you.

I'm so happy because my
mother's watching tonight.

- Oh, well I'm certain
she's gonna be proud

of what she just saw.

- How would she know?
She's watching Lucy.

I'm sorry.

I was just kidding.

- Can't watch 'em all.

- News of the future,
1989, 20 years from now.

Peace finally came to
the Middle East today,

when the Arab nations
merged with Israel.

The new nation will
be known as Israel.

Washington, D.C., 1989.

The government approved
use of the new youth pill,

which takes 20 years
off a person's life.

Mr. and Mrs. George Jessel
were the first to take the pill.

Mr. Jessel took
20 years off his life

and became 70 years old again.

The new Mrs. Jessel also
took 20 years off her life,

and disappeared.

Finally, this item
from the moon, 1989.

The world's first commercial
interspace passenger plane

arrived on the moon today.

Actress Sophia Loren was
slightly injured on arrival.

Stepping from the
pressurized plane

to the weightless
surface of the moon,

Miss Loren jumped for
joy and knocked herself out.

Actress Mia Farrow,
who also jumped for joy,

didn't do herself
a darn bit of harm.

Now, here's Miss Rona Blast.

- Hi, Rona Blast here with
another Hollywood flash.

- Television writers today
complain that their work

is continuously being
censored and watered down.

Laugh In news now takes
you back to Stratford on Avon,

to the days when the
writer's words were law.

- Mr. Shakespeare,
congratulations.

This Hamlet thing you dreamed up

could make one heck of a play.

- Thank you, thank you.

- No, no, no really.

We love where the
mother and the uncle

get together and
murder the father.

- Yes, and then when
the kid kills several friends

and two total strangers.

Now that's what
I call a grabber.

- Yes, yes, but well, you see...

- But what really knocked us out

was where he and
the broad both go batty.

She does herself in,
and the kid knocks off

his old lady and the uncle.

Action, boy,
that's where it's at.

- But that's not
what I intended.

- Right, kid, right.

You'll hardly have
to change a line.

All you have to
do is cut out this

to be or not to be garbage,

and, um, add a little
sex, a little violence.

And, of course,
change the title.

- Change the title?

- Right.

Now, instead of Hamlet,

how does the name
Peyton Place grab you?

(silly vocalizations)

- And now, with the
Laugh In sports news,

here's that old volleyballer,
himself, Alan Sues.

Maybe just a sip.

- Hi, Big Al here.

(rings bell)

Featurette.

Just back from Lake
Placid, New York

for the third annual
curling competition,

and I am just furious.

To think that I traveled 600
miles in freezing weather

and all I saw was a
bunch of old codgers

sliding things
around on the ice.

Some curling!

I was expecting at least
a free wash and set.

Boom, boom, bad.

Ta, ta.

- Well, that's our
news for tonight.

What did you think of it?

- Well, I thought
Chet was terrific,

but as far as I'm concerned,

David might as well not
even have been here.

- Go to your ward.

- Baxter?
- I don't care.

- The Bull Moose,
by Henry Gibson.

Mm The bull moose
is my pal, true blue

He don't smoke or drink or chew

His only hang up
is he sniffs glue

If I was a bull
moose, I would, too

(silly music)

(vocalizes operatically)

- Attention!

Cigarette?

- No thanks, I'm trying to quit.

- Hey, your number's 385-4677?

- What else?

- What was it before
you changed it?

(piano music)

- It's getting late, sir.
Time for you to retire.

- Yes, gosh it is.

Tell me, my dear,

how long have you been
the downstairs maid?

- Oh, just over a year now.

- Hm. I think I
shall promote you.

How would you like to
be the upstairs maid?

- Oh, yes, I'd like
that very much, sir.

When do I start?

- Right now, my dear, right now.

(musical flourish)

- Join the Walmetto protest,

Box 599, Willoughby, Ohio.

Powerhouse.

- And now, here's
Goldie with our

Mistake of the Week department.

- Um, uh, we don't have

a Mistake of the Week
department tonight.

I had one, but I musta lost it.

- Goldie? You're adorable.

I'd love to canoodle
you, but you're dumb.

Dumb, stupid.

- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.

- The management
of the Nern Hotel

in beautiful downtown Burbank

announced they are
changing the wallpaper

in the presidential suite,
from the New York Times

to the Chicago Tribune.

- You ain't heard
nothin' yet, folk.

(groovy music)

- Last night I
dreamed I was equal,

in my Maidenform bra.

- I see where the
Russians are upset

about the Americans
in the Bosperus.

- Well, they might
as well get used to it.

We Americans have
always been more bosperus

than the Russians.

- Boris and I went to
a movie for adults only.

And it was so stimulating.

We just came out feeling
like a couple of kids.

- Gee, that was too
bad about Mayor Yorty.

I hear he fell off the roof.

Fortunately, he wasn't
hurt. The smog broke his fall.

- At my college we learn
all about sex education.

Why, one day last week
they even mentioned it

in the classroom.

- As far as I'm concerned,
the biggest problem

with interracial marriages
is interracial divorce.

- I just saw the movie,
Girl On the Bicycle,

and she had a
better seat than I did.

- Dick?
- Yeah?

- I'm French.

- No kidding.

- How would you
handle our problems?

- Well, let's see.

First, I'd lower your tariffs,

so we could evaluate
your commodities.

- In America, you
call three days in bed

with aching bones and
high fever the Hong Kong flu.

In my country, they
call it a vacation.

- Miss Ornsby, what
do you think of that girl

who posed nude on the
record cover with John Lennon?

- Yoko Ono?

- No thanks, I just put one out.

- Oh, I hear there's
a rumor in Rome

that Ralph Nader's
next target is the church.

He figures they need
more safety devices.

- Do you know
that in the ghettos,

the mailmen are walking in twos?

- On Fire Island, they've
been doing that for years.

- Hey, I hear NBC
just bought the rights

to the next Arab-Israeli
war as a half-hour special.

(groovy music)

- Return with us now to those
thrilling days of yesteryear

with the Lone Ranger and
his faithful Indian companion,

Nehru.

- Hey, I've been
meaning to ask ya,

how are your art
lessons coming along?

- Well, I started my
first painting this week.

- You've been taking
lessons for six weeks.

You haven't
finished anything yet?

- Well, I'm still learning
how to hold the brush.

- Oh. Well, I guess
technique is important.

- Sure is. Every time a
model walks in, I go to pieces.

- I thought most
beginners started out

with apples and oranges.

- Not me. I started with legs.

- Well, I'm glad to see
you're taking an interest

in some of the
finer things in life.

- Oh, I am.

You know, last week I got so
involved, I stayed after class.

- Oh, good for you.

- For three days.

- Are you sure you're
not taking these lessons

just to look at
the girls' figures?

- I may not know much about art,

but I sure know what I like.

- How large a class is it?

- Just me and the model.

- Well, who's the teacher?

- She is.

- Well, what can a
model teach you?

- You wouldn't believe it.

- No, I wouldn't.

- Last night, she taught
me how to use a roller.

- You paint with a roller?

- Well, I have to. She
says the brush tickles her.

- Speaking of
pot pourri, friends,

here's that part of our show
when we stir the cast up,

serve you a little
bit of everything.

Or, as the French
say, pot pourri.

- The general interest question
most asked this week was,

what made Lance Corporal
Michael Dan stand on his nose

for four and a half hours
during the War of 1812?

- The answer is, the enemy.

(buzzing)

- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

How do we decide who
goes through the trap door?

Oh, anybody who drops in.

- [Gary] What's your hang up?

- My hang up is, I hate
the telephone company.

The noise, having
telephone books,

high bills, wrong numbers.

Hello? Hello, Hello?

And that's another thing.

You can never get repair
service when you need it.

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight's health hint is how
to avoid the Hong Kong flu.

Now, if you follow
the prescription,

there is nothing to fear.

Just take lots of vitamin
A, some vitamin B12,

of course, vitamin D, and
vitamin G, ladies and gentlemen,

and just a touch
of ascorbic acid.

Now, if you will
follow this dosage,

you will have no worries
about the Hong Kong flu.

Now, next week, we will
tell you how to recover

from Watson's disease,
which is, you guessed it,

it comes from taking a
combination of vitamins A, D, G, B12,

and just a touch
of ascorbic acid.

Sir? Sir?

- I think Hedgley
bought it over the Seine.

- Huh. Good man, Hedgley.

Look, a lone German fighter
approaching the air field.

- Where?
- There.

- He's dropping Hedgley's boots.

- Yes, and isn't that
Hedgley still in them?

- By god, it is.

- Umbrella, sir?

- Very interesting.

And we lost that one, too.

- Madame, do you want this
soap scented or unscented?

- I'll take it with me.

- What?

- [Gary] Stranger than Truth.

- Mr. and Mrs. Robert
Sidney of Wakeeshaw, Illinois

had a childless
marriage for 12 years.

Despondent, Mr. Sidney
lost job after job. Poor thing.

Their poverty deepened
until early one morning

Mrs. Sidney opened the
door and found a basket

on the doorstep with a note
saying, take care of my baby.

Well, reporters asked
if this would change

their economic situation.

Mr. Sidney's eyes glistened
as he turned and said,

it certainly will.

Now that we have this basket,

Mrs. Sidney can take in washing.

Burned!

(upbeat music)

(humming)

- Attention!

Would you care for a blindfold?

- No, but you might put
one on the men with the rifle.

- Would you care
for some dessert, sir?

- Oh, I don't think so,
my dear, thank you.

- Oh, it'll do you good, sir.

- Very well, I'll
have the usual.

- Fine, I'll put the
lights out down here

and bring it right up.

- Jawbreaker.

- (in high-pitched voice)
Hello. My name is Tiny Tim.

(in deep voice) How does
that grab ya, secret lovers?

- I call myself Tiny Tim
because somebody else

uses my real name, John Wayne.

- Tiny Tim is alive,

and flying over beautiful
downtown Burbank.

- A negro family
moved into Burbank

and the property values
have gone up 40 percent.

- That's a no-no.

- I'll never forget playing
opposite Anita Eckbert.

She made a great
impression on me.

- That's another no-no.

- Here comes
the big finish, folk.

- I love working with Doris Day.

She's completely untouched
by all that fame and fortune.

And if you've seen our movies,

you know she's
completely untouched.

- Say, speaking of airplanes,
I've been meaning to ask ya,

how's your weekend?

- 'Bout the same
as my strong end.

Ba-dum-bum.

- You really got
'em tonight, huh?

- Yeah, one after the other.

- I'm talking about the farm.

Didn't you spend a
weekend on a farm?

- That's funny, so did I.

- Oh, well, quite a
coincidence. Where were you?

- My aunt's place.

- I don't think I
ever met your aunt.

- Sure, the little thing,
about three foot tall.

- Perfect 36.

- That's funny, so's my aunt.

- Three feet tall, that's 36.

- That's a yard stick.

- Yes, sir.

- You know my uncle
found her in a butcher shop.

- Oh?
- Mm.

- How do you like that line? Oh?

- Oh, I like it. You
did that well, too.

He went in for an order of
short ribs, and there she was.

- Really fell for her, huh?

- No, he tripped over her.

- Tripped over
her. What'd she do?

- Well, she jumped up and
punched him in the knee.

- What's she do for a living?

- Well, she was a
short-order cook.

- Now, what's a three-foot woman

doing behind a lunch counter?

- A lot of this.

- Must draw quite a crowd.

- Don't ever order the soup.

- No, I wouldn't do that.

Hey, I bet you had a
lot of fun on the farm.

Did you help with the chores?

- Well, I spent all day
Sunday picking olives.

- Good for you.

- Then we had to quit.

- Olive got sore.
- Olive got sore.

- Hey, I'll bet your
aunt loves farm life.

- Not since she broke her toe.

- Well, accidents will happen.

- She kicked an egg
in a chicken coop.

- Kicked an egg.

What's a three-foot woman
doing in a chicken coop?

- Duckin' the rooster.

- Well, I suppose
she has to be careful.

- Not anymore, the
rooster ran away.

- Easy come, easy go.
Just keep 'em goin', Dick.

- No, she threw a saddle
on the duck and followed him.

- Now, wait a minute.

You can't throw a
saddle on a duck,

and you can't break
your toe kicking an egg.

Now why do you say
such stupid things?

- 'Cause if I didn't
say such stupid things,

we'd be lucky to get a guest
shot on My Mother the Car.

- Ha, ha, ha, that show
was cancelled two years ago.

- Now will you listen to me?

- No, but I'll listen to Goldie.

- Welcome to Laugh
In's Question of the Week.

The question most
asked this week was,

who was the tallest
boxer in the world?

The tallest boxer in the
world was Battling Bill Baker,

who was eight foot three.

- In answer to the second
most asked question,

the strangest medical
case on file was the case

of cauliflower navel,
owned by Battling Bill Baker.

- Wait a minute! Is that
another Battling Billy Baker joke?

That's rude.

- If the dancing maiden could
take the buzz from the bee,

what would she do
with the turkey's gobble?

- You, you probably
think I'm a little strange

standing here talking into a
phone that's not connected,

but there's a
logical explanation.

I'm talking to Shelly Berman.

- Blow in his ear and
he'll follow you anywhere.

- You bet your sweet bippy.

- You bet your own bippy.

- Hey, what's a bippy?

- Show 'em your bippy.

- Looking into the future,

here is the beautiful
downtown Burbank PTA

and roller derby team
with a typical Burbank look

into the future.

Shall we sing about
The good old days

When everything
seemed So sweet and pure

And Hong Kong flu
Didn't have a cure

Good old days

You didn't live long

Talk about the
days before the pill

When families grew to be immense

'Cause people were
caused by accidents

Those good, old days
Who could forget those

Bread lines, we're
stuck in those bread lines

While reading those headlines

Announcing another
bank is falling to pieces

Talk about the
days before the jets

When traveling took
you weeks and weeks

And most of the bloom
right off your cheeks

Those good, old days

What's so good about
the good, old days

Talk about the days before TV

Your intellect could
expand and grow

By sitting and watching radio

Those good, old days
It hasn't changed much

Talk about the clothes
we used to wear

The gigolo look was really bad

And whale-boned
corsets drove you mad

Those good, old days
We used to do the

Conga, remember the conga

With Madame Wasanka

That dance was as dumb
as any dances we do now

Talk about the days
between the wars

When nobody fought or picketed

But everyone sure was bigoted

Those good, old days

What's so good
about the Charleston

What's so good about (mumbles)

What's so good
about the good, old

Doolie, atta, doolie,
atta, doolie, atta, doo

What's so good about depression

What's so kinky 'bout
swallowing goldfish

What's so good
about the good, old

Doolie, atta, doolie,
atta, doolie, atta, doo

What's so good
about the good, old

Days, days,
day-de-days - Attention!

- That cigarette
tastes terrible.

But it does keep me alive
a silly millimeter longer.

(piano music)

- Cram.

(silly music)

- It's sure great of ya to
make the tapioca pudding.

- Oh, well we all
miss ya, honey.

- Harold, Harold, someday
will you introduce me

to your brother?

- Oh!

- I think I'll sleep in
late tomorrow, my dear.

- Oh, perhaps you'd
like breakfast in bed, sir.

- That'd be a very good idea.

Um, I'll have orange
juice, whole wheat toast,

coffee, and bacon and eggs.

- Fine, sir.

- Room service, we'd like
orange juice, toast, whole wheat,

coffee, bacon and eggs for
two, please, at eight o'clock.

(buzzing)

- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Yes, madame, we were
aware that might offend

some of you adults
who watch our program.

But tell me, how
did it grab your kids?

- And now tonight, gang,
our Mod, Mod World's

going to take a look at people.

- Well, what's so special?
Every week we look at people.

- Yeah, but offbeat people
we're talking about tonight.

The exceptional people.

- Oh, Thelma.

- Thelma?

- Well, she's about as
exceptional as any people I know.

- Well, I don't want
to hear about her.

- I guess anyone who's a
regular of the Green Bay Packers

is pretty exceptional,
if she's a girl.

- Thelma's a regular with
the Green Bay Packers?

- No, but it got
your attention back.

She gave up the Green
Bay Packers last season.

- I don't want to hear about it.

- She's a Ram now.

- She's a Los Angeles Ram?

- That's funny, so is Thelma.

- Are you trying to tell me
that one of the Rams is a girl?

- No, I'm trying to tell you
one of the girls is a Ram.

- That couldn't possibly be.

That'd change the
game completely.

- Already has.

You'll notice a lot of the
guys are tackling higher lately.

- All right, smart guy,
which one is she?

- She's the one with
the shoulder pads

that look like they've slipped.

- What's her number?

- Well, in Los Angeles,
it's Crestview 93...

- No, I don't mean that number.

What's the number
on her chest, dummy.

- Well, Thelma's
chest is no dummy.

- I know that.

- Oh, you've tackled
her, too, huh?

- I never tackled
a girl in my life.

- What are you, some
kind of a pervert?

- I happen to be
completely heterosexual.

- Well, goody, goody for you.

- Heterosexual happens
to mean completely normal.

- Well in that case,
I'll be off on my way

on my heterosexual way.

- Where you goin'?

- Well, I gotta leave now.
I've got a date with a Ram.

- Hey, have I got a ram for you.

- And so friends, with that
in mind, let's take a look

into our Mod, Mod
World of offbeat people.

- Baaa.

(groovy music)

- [Gary] Only in America.

- America, to me, is
the land of opportunity.

I mean, as a poor kid, I
put myself through school.

I was stealin' pennies from
pockets in the cloak room.

And after graduating I
went into my own business,

stealin' hubcaps.

Now, I never
squandered my earnings,

but I plowed everything
right back into the business.

And like, at 20, I
had my own mob.

And today, I employ over a
hundred thugs and petty thieves.

Now, I'm not public
enemy number one,

but, as number
two, I try harder.

So, er, as a success
in my chosen field

of endeavor and
achievement, I gotta say

that, that, er, God
bless America.

In other words, er, I, er,

I wouldn't be a crook in any
other country in the world.

Thanks youse.

(groovy music)

- And now, the award for
the best actress of the year

for her starring role
in 20th Century's Fox,

goes to Miss Jolene Brand.

(applause)

And accepting the award
for Miss Brand will be

her very best friend and
co-star in 20th Century's Fox,

Miss Bobbi Folsom.

(applause)

- Oh, I can't tell you how
happy I am for Jolene.

She's with her children tonight.

You know, she doesn't
get to see them much

since the courts took
them away from her.

And I must say that
those who know her

felt the divorce was unfair.

Jolene had tried to stop
drinking, at least on the set.

And who among us would not agree

that a little drinking is
preferable to her previous problem

that we all know
she valiantly kicked.

However, tonight
is Jolene's night.

Any 58 year old woman who
can still play romantic leads

deserves something.

Well, Jolene, I know
you're out there somewhere.

And if you can
still see me clearly,

Josie, this is for you.

(groovy music)

- And now, episode 3,476

of Soap Opera.

- Jim, as my best
friend, I had to tell you the

(suspenseful chime) the secret

about Betty and George.

- Don't worry, as
your lawyer I know

that if anyone finds out about

(suspenseful chime) the secret

you will never be elected mayor.

(suspenseful chime)

The secret is safe with me.

- How do you spell

(suspenseful chime) secret?

- The editor of the
newspaper promised not to use

what you know about

(suspenseful chime) the secret

in a smear campaign to
help the crooked mayor

be re-elected.

- Of course I won't. I
am a woman of ethics.

- Right.

- So, as crooked
mayor, I thank you for

(suspenseful chime) the secret

of Betty and George.

- Although ethically I
can't print the secret,

perhaps you can
spread the scandal

to destroy your opponents.

- I, too, have ethics.

But my wife, the town
slanderer, doesn't.

- Oh gosh, I'm ruined.
Everyone knows

(suspenseful chime) the secret

of Betty and George.

I guess we'll just have
to move to another town.

Will you go with me, George?

- 'Till the end of time, Betty.

(groovy music)

- Our problem, gentlemen,
is to move this entire fleet

from here to here
without refueling.

- I think I have it, sir.

- All right, Wacker,
show us your plan.

(vocalizes machine gun)

(groovy music)

- Actually the British do laugh
heartily at American jokes,

and they'll continue doing so

as long as they
need foreign aid.

- That's not funny.

- Hey, I'm gettin' hungry.

What say after this
show we go over

to Lester Maddox's house
and eat some chicken?

- Now that's funny.

- Russia claims she's
taking Czechoslovakia over

for her own good.

I've been using that line
with my girlfriends for years.

- That's nice.

- I went to a Gay 90s
party and everyone there

was either gay or 90.

- That's not nice.

- I think that Dan and
Dick will go on together

for a long time, but then again,

I also said that about Ethel
Merman and Ernie Borgnine.

- A recent survey shows that
95 percent of American homes

have television, while only
90 percent have bathtubs,

which means that at the
present moment, this show

is being watched by at
least 3 million dirty people.

- I'll drink to that.

- Come on.

(musical flourish)

- Boo boop dee doop.

- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- I'd like to say, it's a
great honor to be here.

I'd like to say it,
but I don't lie well.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Mel. You
wanna borrow my tinkle?

I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.

- Where did Big Al go?

- Next week our show
comes to you under water

and it's going to be a...

- See, that's a
funny coincidence.

My aunt was kissing a bugle
player from the Boy Scouts

under water one time in
Clearwater, Florida for 14 hours.

- There are not gonna be
any Boy Scouts on the show.

This is an underwater show...

- I thought perhaps what she
said when she came up for air

would be of
interest to the folks.

- Well, I'm just sitting
here with baited breath.

- That's what she said to him.

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight everybody.

(applause)

- Alan? Alan?
- Yes.

- Alan, did you know
my boyfriend got arrested

for standing around
shooting the bull.

- You can't get arrested
for shooting a bull.

- Well you can if
you're a matador.

- Was that a chicken
joke? About shooting a bull?

Or bull shooting, as
the case may be. Huh?

- Hey Jo Anne?

- Yes, oh, ha ha?

- Can I go watch the eclipse?

- Well, all right, but
don't stand too close,

you little short devil.

- My uncle was on
television last week.

The night before that
he was on the radio.

And the day before
that he was on the floor.

He hasn't made it to the
bedroom once this month.

- Alan, how'd you get
that extra pair of pants

you bought with your suit?

- I bought an extra jacket.

- Hey, David.
- Yes.

- Oh, tell me, do you
remember when you were born?

- Oh yeah, I was so excited.

I could hardly wait to get
home and tell my mother about it.

- Shooting the bull.

- What smells like a
herring, tastes like a herring,

and looks like a herring?

- A herring.

- Oh, you heard it before.

- I did, but it was
about a mackerel.

- Ah.

Hey Connie!
- Yeah.

- Did you hear they just
launched several giant telescopes

into orbit?

- Yeah, that was the easy
part, but where are they

gonna get the giants
to look through them?

- Have a nice time
tonight. Be good, huh?

- Chelsea, make up your mind.

- Hey, Goldie?

- Yes.

- Goldie, you like
to play ping pong?

- No, it's too dangerous.
I keep falling off the table.

- Henry, do you know what?

You have a cucumber
growing out of your ear.

- Strange, I planted a herring.

- Call Judy.

- I've got a mackerel in my ear.

(silly music)

- Yoo hoo! Batman!

(piano music)

- We all miss ya, and
mom misses ya the most.

- You let her in here
and we're through.

- Oh!

- I can't seem to
shake this headache.

- Well, I quite understand, sir.

You know, you're
not used to drinking.

And last night after
only one brandy

you behaved like a maniac
for the rest of the evening.

You even mistook
me for your wife.

- That's frightening.
Well tell me about it.

- Certainly, sir.

Why don't we have a brandy
and I'll tell you everything.

(silly music)

- Get outta here, ya dummy.

(piano music)

- This program was
pre-recorded last week in order that

it might be pre-empted for
the program you have just seen.

- Very interesting,
but it was a lot funnier

when I first heard it
on Mert and Marge.

I never knew what
that meant anyhow.

Goodnight, Lucy.

And if Mr. Nielsen calls,

please tell him you
were watching us.

Please.

Goodnight, Gary.

(one person clapping)

(NBC tones)