Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 20 - Episode #2.20 - full transcript
Sketches include Tiny Tim at the cocktail party, Lifeboat runners, Tiny Tim in Valentine's news, Aging stripper, Fickle finger of fate goes to the NYPD, Guy wishes everyone a happy new year...
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- I've finished it.
I think I've captured
that famous smile
but I still don't understand it.
Do you smile to tempt
a lover, Mona Lisa?
Or is this your way to
hide a broken heart?
Are you warm?
Are you real, Mona Lisa?
- No, I guess I'm
just a cold and lonely,
lovely work of art.
(laughter) (applause)
(house music)
- There's been a rash of
burglaries in my neighborhood,
so I've put locks on
my doors and windows.
Now if a burglar
gets in, I'm all set.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know, I know a
couple that got engaged
at a drive-in movie,
married in a drive-in church,
and took a cross-country
trip on their honeymoon.
Ha, today they got
three beautiful children
and they never
been out of their car.
(laughter) (house music)
- They've got this
new co-ed dormitory
at Stanford University where
the boys occupy the east wing
and the girls occupy
the west wing.
Actually, it's the
only way to fly.
(laughter) (house music)
- I took up yoga.
I assume a seated posture
and remain motionless for hours.
It's not much
but it sure beats sitting
around doing nothing.
(laughter) (house music)
- Ha, I had a terrible
time last night.
I took a sleeping
pill and I dosed off
before I could enjoy it.
(laughter) (house music)
- Say great much
progress in my country.
In ten years, every Russian
will have a roof over his head.
And in 20 years, maybe
they'll even put up walls.
(laughter) (house music)
- I went to a big show
biz party last night.
I'll say one thing, those
people in Beverly Hills
sure have a beautiful ghetto.
(laughter) (house music)
- If Rome continues
its ban on the pill,
in 15 years there will be twice
as many people protesting.
(laughter) (house music)
- Dick.
- Mhm.
- Give me two good reasons
for nudity in the movies.
- Hm, Raquel Welch.
(laughter) (house music)
- Now if a burglar
gets in, I'm all set.
(laughter)
- Done, I just met this
new divine nudity producer
who wants to put me in his
new mo-ovie all about nudity.
But you know what (laughs)
so far he hasn't been
able to meet my figga.
(laughs) Did you notice this?
(laughter) (applause)
(house music)
- I don't know why the
government's hitting me
with all these taxes.
Dad always said I was
a complete write-off.
(laughter) (house music)
- Tiny, which one of
us is the opposite sex?
(laughter)
- How am I supposed
to know, Miss Goldie?
I've never been out with one.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know, I've
been considering
some of the moral aspects
of all this transplant business.
And I've come to a
simple conclusion.
When you're dead, you're dead.
That's life.
(laughter) (house music)
(applause)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
just three coughs and a
sneeze from Los Angeles,
smog capital of the world,
NBC wheezingly presents
a collection of old wheezes
called Rowan and
Martin's Cough In.
(laughter)
(coughs)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest star Tiny
Tim and Judy Carne.
Artie Johnson with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley.
With Chelsea Brown, Muriel
Landers, and yours truly Morgul
as the Friendly Drelb, who is
played tonight by Gary Owens.
But first, this commercial
announcement.
(house music)
- I'm sorry, Doctor. But
you've lot this patient.
- And this cigarette
has lost its taste.
(laughter)
- Why not try one of mine?
- One of your cigarettes?
- No, one of my patients.
(laughter)
- They're stronger,
they last longer,
and they don't leave an ugly
blot on your medical record.
(laughter)
- And now for
this important lull.
(bright music)
(band playing)
(cheers)
- Whoa!
(laughter)
- Don't stop now!
(bluegrass music)
(paint tools clashing)
(laughter)
- Uh oh, we're in for it now.
Here come those
handball players again.
(laughter)
- (yelling) Ah, ahh.
(laughter)
- Oh, an aeroplane to rescue us!
Quick, signal him!
Quick!
- Yoohoo, Mr. Airplane.
(laughter)
- Tiny.
(phone buzzing)
- Allo, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You'd like to invite the
cast to go on a hayride?
Oh I wouldn't do that, sir.
It would disillusion them.
They think they're
already on one.
(laughter)
- If it weren't for this show,
I wouldn't be where I am.
But I don't hold
that against them.
(laughter)
- And now, as the
houselights dim
and Mister and Missus
First-Nighter grope for their seats,
the orchestra
breaks into a rash.
And the Walter Cronkite
chorale asks the musical question
Don't Rain On My Parade.
(laughter)
As sung by Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin.
(applause) (house music)
- Good evening.
Hey we've got a show tonight.
- Well, I guess
you're pretty excited
about the party
tonight, uh? (laughs)
- What party?
- Oh, that's right.
You're not supposed
to know about it.
- You going to tell me
about the party or not?
- What party?
- The party I'm not supposed
to know anything about.
- Oh, you know about it?
Who told you?
- Nobody told me.
- Well that's good
cause you're not
supposed to know about it.
Anyway it's a surprise.
- You mean there's a
surprise party for me tonight?
- Then you do know about it.
(laughter)
- Well you told me, Big Mouth.
- Not me, I promised your wife.
- My wife planned
this whole thing?
- She and your sister
Effel from Chicago
whom you haven't
seen in eight years.
- I don't wanna hear anymore.
- Ah, you ought to see
the present they gotcha.
- Dick, please.
- Okay, they got you a watch.
(laughter)
- A watch?
- There's no use guessing,
my lips are sealed.
(laughter)
(violin playing)
- Oh Mr. Benny, I wish
you'd do more TV shows.
- Really, why do you miss me?
- Oh no, not you.
Rochester.
(laughter) (violin playing)
- In America, my
new movie's called
Buona Sera, Mrs. Campbell.
The Italian version is called
Good Evening, Mrs. Minestrone.
(laughter)
- Good evening,
gentleman and ships at sea.
Let's go to press.
And now, here's
the Laugh-In News.
It may not be as good
as your local newspaper,
but at least the ink doesn't
come off on your fingers.
(laughter)
(bell ringing)
(thematic music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to give you a view
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
(scats)
And here's Mr. Dan.
(applause) (pompous music)
(babbling)
- Wait a minute, we
can't go in front of Dan!
We go behind Dan!
(laughter)
- If I get the flu, I'm
gonna be just sick!
(laughter)
- Now with the
news of the present,
here's the man whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news.
Who were they?
Here's Dickey.
(pompous music) (applause)
(cheering)
- Hm, California.
Longshoreman at San
Pedro today struck once again,
refusing to unload his ship,
claiming the hulls
were full of mice.
President Irving Lazar of the
White Mouse Importing Company
who leased the ship said,
This strike could be a long one.
(laughter)
And in Warsaw,
informed sources report
that the launching of the
first Polish moonrocket
has been delayed until
the government can develop
a workable match
to light the fuse.
(laughter)
Hollywood!
A major film studio
announced plans today
to remake My Fair Lady
completely in the nude.
Marni Nixon was chosen to
dub in Audrey Hepburn's figure.
(laughter)
Take it away Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now with the
news of Dan, 20,
from the 20 years from now.
(laughs) Rowan,
here's future. (laughs)
- Absolute disaster, Goldie.
- Really?
- Yep.
- (Giggles) I could've sworn I
made a mistake somewhere.
(laughter)
- New York City 1989.
ABC TV president Chuck
Barris today announced that
since there were no more
old movies available for TV,
future programming will consist
of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, and Saturday night
at the Dating Game.
(laughter)
Meanwhile, around the
country 20 years from now,
the mayors of Cleveland,
Chicago, Detroit, Miami,
and Los Angeles
went out on strike.
Hot on the heels of the
Federal Mediators strike,
at the White House,
President Walter Reuther
angrily denounced all strikers
and promised
prompt legal action,
just as soon as he can settle
the Supreme Court walk-out.
(laughter)
Finally this news in the
future 1989, 20 years from now,
the sole survivor of the
tiny nation of Biafra today
thanked the United Nations
for all the help
they have given him
ever since uranium was
discovered in Biafra last week.
Those planes will
get in there now, baby.
(laughter)
- Now, skipping through
the pages of history,
we turn right at the Civil War
and come to a screeching halt
at Mount Vernon, the home of
George and Martha Washington.
(Yankee Doodle)
- Martha, as Commander
of the Continental Army,
I've just defeated King George
and freed us from
the British yelk.
Now I'm off to Philadelphia
to become the first
President of the United States
and father of our country.
How about that?
- Sure, George, sure.
Anything to get
out of the house.
(laughter)
Do you realize that you
haven't slept at home
one night in the
past three months?
(laughter)
And you're going to be
the father of our country?
Huh!
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
(laughter)
- Aw, poor baby.
(laughter)
- Peek.
(laughs) And now for the sports.
Here is hockey
pucks badboy himself.
Here's Alan Sues.
Take it away, you Dresden
hockey puck! (laughs)
(laughter)
- Ah, ah go crazy!
- I could help, big Hel.
(laughter)
- And now to keep you informed
of what's going
on in Washington,
here's Laugh-In's Girl on the Go
with the latest
capital punishment.
- Hello.
Judy Carne, your
Laugh-In Girl on the Go,
here at the Washington DC
home of Mrs. Greer Fogulson
who lives at 1602
Pennsylvania Avenue,
right next door to
the White House.
- Well, not anymore!
I've had it living next
door to that bunch.
I bet I spend two hours a day
scrubbing barbecue
smoke off my windows.
What are they running over there
some kind of a
Mexican restaurant?
(laughter)
- You mean the Johnsons.
Ah ha, I knew it!
Oh I knew it!
A Howard Johnson's.
(laughter)
- Oh no no, not Howard Johson.
Lyndon Johnson.
But they've left now.
His successor has moved in.
- That's another thing.
Every few years, I've got a
new neighbor to get used to.
You know whoever owns that place
has a tough time
keeping it rented.
I hear, I hear they're going
to break it up into apartments.
- Oh no, no you've
got it all wrong.
That's the home of
the nation's First Family.
And President
Nixon lives there now.
- Oh, phew I heard about him.
That's a big reason I'm moving.
- Oh, oh really why?
- Because I hear
he's got Spiro Agnew
and I'm getting out of
here before the whole thing
spreads right through
the neighborhood.
(laughter)
(loud hum) (motor running)
(squeak) (gun fires)
(gongs sound) (laughter)
(thematic music)
(plastering)
- Come on, Allen.
Lunch.
(crashes)
- How ya doin, Henry?
I'm almost finished on my side.
(laughter)
(jazz band playing)
(men cheering)
(men shouting)
- Hey, what happened beautiful?
- Oh, I just threw out my back.
- Well throw it out here, baby!
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
(laughter)
- Psst, now here's my plan.
- Go to your room.
(laughter)
- Mr. Wagner, why
in heaven's name
are you dressed like that?
- Well they said
women and children first.
(laughter)
- Simple, I couldn't find
any children's clothes.
(laughter)
What's a body to do?
- I don't know maybe you
should be that flower on that side.
(laughter)
- Announcing George
Washington and Mrs. Carver.
(laughter)
- As you'll recall,
boys and girls,
when we last left
Jack Dock and Reggie,
they were sinking
slowing in Baskin Robbin's
Flavor of the Month.
And speaking of banana
nut surprises, here they are.
Dan and Dick!
- Hey I've been
meaning to ask you,
how's your invisible uncle?
- Oh, Uncle Willard?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- I don't know, I
haven't seem him lately.
- Of course you haven't
seem him, ya ding-a-ling.
He's invisible.
- (claps) Maybe
that explains it.
- Did you just slap a slap coin?
What does that explain?
- Well, when I got out of
the shower this morning,
somebody dried my back.
(laughter)
- Did you turn around
and see who it was?
- I'm not nosy.
(laughter)
- It was probably Uncle Willard.
- Yeah, darn it.
- What do you mean darn it?
- Well, if that
was Uncle Willard,
it means I gave my
maid a raise for nothing.
(laughs) (laughter)
- Moving right along,
here's what we lovingly call
an act of potpourri.
(laughing)
- So you call
yourself The Virginian.
Where are you from?
- Buffalo.
- Buffalo?
Well that's in New York.
Why do you call
yourself The Virginian?
- I used to call myself
The New Yorker
but some magazine
made a big stink about it.
(laughter)
- I had the same trouble too.
I used to call myself The
Saturday Evening Post.
(laughter)
- Hey Chelsea, do
you have any soap?
- Sure hon, here have
a bar of Black Power.
- That's right, it
is Black Power!
You must be putting me on.
Look it's pink inside!
- Don't noise it
around, but um so am I.
(laughter)
- Me too, Chelsea.
(camera flashing)
- Are you the security officer?
- No, I'm an
industrial spy like you.
(camera flashing)
- Hold it.
(camera clicks)
- Are you the security officer?
- No, I'm just
another industrial spy.
- Oh, I didn't know there
were so many industrial spies
on this case.
(camera clicks)
- Hm, and we've all got
the new super-secret
infrared cameras.
They're neat, aren't they?
- Hold it.
- Are you the security officer?
- No, I'm the Social Director
for the Industrial Spies Union.
Now as soon as I take a picture
of your super-secret
infrared camera,
I'd like to get a group
shot for the magazine.
(laughter)
- Okay.
- Say steal.
(laughter) (dramatic music)
- (Laughs) One Egg Foo
Young for Mao See Tongue.
I know, I mean uh,
one Mao See Tongue
for Egg Foo (laughs) Young.
No, no, was that uh Foo
(laughs) Mao See Foo
for Egg Foo Young.
Mao.. I don't know.
(laughter)
- Morning is like
the sands of time,
as they blow on the
ancient Himalayas.
(laughter)
- Society for the
Advancement of Atheism
will meet this
Tuesday, God willing.
(laughter)
- Look Ezekiel, a moving finger.
- It is writing on the wall.
- Oh what strange being
could be doing that?
- Well, judging
from the handwriting,
I'd say he's creative,
authoritative,
used to having his own way,
and he can write
wherever he wants.
(laughter)
- Bartender, where
can I park my shotgun?
- Yeah, where can I put my arm?
- Where can I plug
in my electric ukulele?
(laughter)
- I have a frozen dactyl.
(laughter)
(leaves rustling)
- Very interesting.
And remember only two
more days to get your tickets
to the Helmut
Dantine Film Festival.
(laughter)
And you will buy them.
Sorry Helmut.
(laughter)
(band playing)
- I have a feeling in my bones
it's time for the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate award.
- Is that where it get's ya?
- Well, that's just
an expression.
- Oh okay, who get's
the darling digit this time?
- A certain number
of New York's finest.
- They've been up to something?
- Well no, actually they
haven't been up at all.
They've been
sleeping on the job.
- All of them?
- Well of course
not all of them,
but according to
the nation's press,
some of the arms of
the law in New York City
have really been
sleeping while on duty.
They call it cooping.
- Aha, cooping out, eh?
- You might say that.
You see these police
officers come to work
with blankets,
pillows, alarm clocks,
and they find spare hotel
rooms or the back of a squad car,
sometimes even
an empty mortuary,
and they catch a little nap.
And that's called cooping.
- Whoo!
Well how do you cope
with cops that coop?
(laughter)
- Well, to use an
underworld term,
you might put the finger on 'em.
- Well, that's a
good idea, Ollie.
- Award up.
- So to those men in
the blue Dr. Denton's
take one of these
before retiring.
Sweet dreams.
- Now a special treat.
The winner of the June
Allyson Whisper-a-Like Contest,
the lovely Miss Jo Anne
Worley and her entire mouth!
(opera singing)
(glass crashing)
(laughter)
- Miss Worley's voice
comes to us tonight
through the courtesy of
the Wind Tunnel division
of Lockheed Aircraft.
(band playing)
(men cheering)
(heels tapping)
(men shouting) (laughter)
(upbeat music)
(slam)
(laughter)
- Hey, isn't today
supposed to be linen day?
(laughter)
- You've made my life a joy.
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
(dramatic music)
- Elridge.
(laughter)
(light music)
- My Potato is Falling
Off by Henry Gibson.
My potato is falling off, and
I haven't even got to peel it.
I guess I should've stood
still or put up a fence.
But I got so used to
the way it just balanced.
I never imagined it might
just, whoops there it goes.
Oh well.
I've still got my turnip.
(laughter)
- Time for a station
break, Goldie.
Do you want to
have a quick drink?
- Oh, if I have to
drink one more Station,
I'm going to be up all night!
(laughs)
Now here's the big finish, folk.
(whimsical music)
(gears spinning)
- Hello, hello.
I'm your duty doll.
Pull my string, and
I'll ring your chimes.
(laughter)
(chimes ringing)
(thud)
(laughter)
- Time for another
commercial, darling.
And tell them Goldie
sent you (laughs), Goldie.
(house music)
- Andy Warhol donated
a pop art painting
to our church last week.
It's called Madonna
and Soup Can.
(laughter) (house music)
- Goldie, did you know
that Michelangelo painted
the entire Sistine
Chapel on his back.
- Oh, well didn't it wash
off when he took a shower?
(laughter) (house music)
- I was the model for a
very famous work of art,
the Washington Monument.
(laughter) (house music)
- They've started a new
school of painting on Fire Island.
It's called uh Fop Art.
(laughter) (house music)
- TV is really getting arty.
Last year we saw the
Louvre on Channel 4.
And next year you're
going to be able to see
the Artists and Models
Ball on Channel 28.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know these young
artists are alright I suppose.
But personally I'm a
pushover for an old Master(♪).
(laughs)
(laughter) (house music)
- In the Russian subway,
they got a new picture.
It's with 15 sahaloholaces(♪)
being chased by
42 holomnieckis(♪)
nipping away at
their pahayatzee(♪).
Personally, I think
it's in bad taste.
(laughter) (house music)
- My uncle wrecked his car
in front of the
Museum of Modern Art.
So he signed it.
Won first prize in
a sculpture festival.
(laughter) (house music)
- I have two pictures
in the museum.
- Oh yeah? One
like this, one like that.
- Oh that Henny Picasso.
(laughter) (house music)
- I think Dad wanted
me to be a painter.
When I was 12 years
old he gave me the brush.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know a friend
of mine painted
George Jessel on
his last honeymoon.
He calls it Still Life.
(laughter) (house music)
- Hey you know the last
time I was in New York,
I went to the
Guggenheim eight times.
- Silly, I told you not
to drink the water.
(laughter)
- Tiny, go to your room.
(laughter) (house music)
(applause) (band playing)
- A one and a two.
- Oh Mr. Lombardo, I'd
love to play in your band.
- What instrument do you play?
- Oh, no instrument.
I'd just love to
play in your band.
(laughter)
They're my kind of fellas.
(laughter)
Show me the way
to go home (laughter)
- You wouldn't be holdin
out on me, would you?
(laughter)
(band playing) (men cheering)
(curtain ripping)
(laughter)
- Speaking of
Discovery of the Week,
have you ever
seen a singing pig?
- Well actually just one.
Uh, she worked with a polka
band in Yankton, South Dakota.
(laughter)
- No, I mean a
really four-legged pig!
- Oh, couldn't be the same lady.
Uh, this one only
had three legs.
(laughter)
- You knew a three-legged
singer in Yankton, South Dakota?
- That's funny.
So did I!
(laughter)
- Well in that case
you'll feel right at home
with our Discovery of the Week,
Uncle Heavy and
his Porkchop Review.
(applause)
- Roll it, roll it, roll
it, roll it, roll it, roll it,
roll it, roll it,
roll it, roll it.
(applause) (laughter)
- Don't tell Dan or Dick,
but for $5 more, they
could've had Shep Fields!
I'm Popeye the sailor man
(pig oinking) (laughter)
I'm Popeye the sailor man
(pig grunting) (laughter)
I eats all my spinach
I fight to the finish
I'm Popeye the sailor man
(pig grunting) (laughter)
(applause)
- Thank you,
patrons of the arts!
- Well what do you think?
- Well she's no
Barbara Striesand.
(laughter)
- How do you figure?
- Well her nose is too short
and she can't hold
those high notes.
(laughter)
- Pig, go to your sty.
(laughter)
(creepy singing) (laughter)
- (chuckling) Ah...
would you call my face
ruggedly handsome?
(whack) (laughter)
Well, would you call my
body sensually attractive?
- (gasps) Oh!
(whack) (laughter)
- Would you call my next of kin?
(laughter)
- And now for what's
happening in higher education,
let's take a trip around
campus with Miss Judy Carne.
(horns)
- Hallo.
Tiajuana, Mexico.
From all reports, they're
having a high old time
at the University of
Tiajuana's annual homecoming
potluck bonfire, which
is now in its seventh year.
The bonfire is so popular,
the students have missed
the last 102 basketball games.
But that's alright, they
don't have a ball anyway.
(laughter)
Take it away, Professor.
- In this experiment,
I keep a male dog
and a female dog in a cage.
(laughter)
Every time I ring the bell,
the partition between them rises
and the male dog can
see the female dog.
In this way, the male
dog learned to associate
the sound of the bell with
the sight of the female dog.
But what amazed me is how fast
the female dog
learned to ring the bell.
(laughter) (applause)
- Well, ring my chimes.
(laughter)
- Oxford, Mississippi.
The University of Mississippi
today voluntarily instituted
a program of Black Studies.
Subject matter will include
Uncle Remus, Little Black Sambo,
and the collected
recipes of Aunt Jemimey.
(laughter)
Aunt Jemima, pardon.
(laughter)
- The Philosophy of
Stepin Fetchit will be offered
at the graduate level only.
(laughter)
- Aw yeah, baby.
Yeah, yeah.
- Gooch, gooch, gooch.
- Heya, hey lemme
have the check.
(giggles)
- Well let's see now.
That'll be ten cents for
the coffee, $5 for the sugar.
(laughter)
(high whistle)
- My how you've grown!
(laughter)
- Well, that's my Campus
Report for tonight, kids.
And remember, gang, only
a few short weeks til Easter.
So those of you going
to Fort Lauderdale
for the sunrise services,
don't forget your church keys.
(laughter)
(band playing) (men cheering)
(laughter)
(men screaming)
- Poor baby, I know
just how she feels.
I was bald when I was ten.
- Well maybe it's growing down.
Open your mouth, I'm a doctor.
I was right!
Your Adam's apple's in a bush!
(laughter)
- How do you like our show
now that we have nonviolent TV?
- Well it's okay I guess.
But I think it's a little
ridiculous for grown men
goin' round hollerin',
Bang bang you're dead.
(laughter)
- Hey I think we've
got a debate going.
You want to be on the
affirmatory side or the negative?
- They're awfully husky.
Maybe we shouldn't mix in.
(laughter)
- Hey, here comes
a guy with a whip.
Is it your birthday?
(laughter)
- No.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Permission to
come aboard, sir.
- Permission denied!
(laughter)
(thematic music)
(teeth chattering)
- Falsies.
(teeth chattering)
(thematic music)
(band playing) (men cheering)
(crashing) (laughter)
(men shouting) (band playing)
(laughter)
- Hey, tell me again
what happened right
after the judge told you
he couldn't do that to you.
(laughter)
- He did.
(splatter)
(whimsical music)
(stumbling) (laughter)
(house music)
- Looks like this
is the end, folks.
Does anybody know a hymn?
- Um yes, Captain.
I know (laughs) him and
(laughs) him, (laughs) him.
And I'd like to know
you better, big boy!
(laughs) Come on to
this side of the boat!
(singing)
- Get the puppy!
Get the puppy!
- To find what
Captain Marvel said
as he escaped the clutches of
the foul gas-emitting cabbage,
dial your secret decoding
thing to 19-20-9-14-11.
But don't tell your folks.
(laughter)
(thematic music)
- Well Dick, tonight we're
saluting the good ol' days.
- Yeah well, confidentially,
some of the humor
in that escaped me.
- Well we haven't done
it yet, ya ding-a-ling.
- You know that's probably
what was wrong with it?
- Yeah, probably.
But not to change the subject,
what do you think
were the good ol' days?
- Oh, I guess a lot of people
would say the Roaring 20s
with the boo-boop-be-doo.
- You really dig the 20s, huh?
- You'd bet your sweet
bippy-de-boop-boop-boop-be-doo.
(laughter)
- Yeah well the 20s saw
the dawn of a new bright era
ushered in by Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- Boy they had some
great songs in those days.
- Yep.
(upbeat music)
When my sugar
walks down the street
All the little birdies
go tweet, tweet, tweet
And in the evening
when the sun goes down
And there's no one else around
I'm affectionate, I exist
When I kiss you,
you shall be kissed
When my sugar
walks down the street
All the little birdies
go tweet, tweet, tweet
(applause)
- At first, the 20s introduced
the classic American gangster.
Not him.
(laughter)
- Alright, all of you
line up against that wall.
(shots fired)
Oh hi, Phil.
- I ain't Phil.
- Isn't this Phil's garage?
- No, it's Sweeney's place.
- Mercy, I just
killed 25 mechanics.
(laughter)
(house music)
- Well maybe the 20s weren't
exactly the good ol' days.
But what about the 30s?
- Woohoo, whoopee!
Those were the days.
What music, what songs!
- Yep (old time jazz)
You came to me
from out of nowhere
You took my heart
and found it free
Wonderful dreams, wonderful
schemes from nowhere
Made every hour
sweet as a flower to me
If you should go
back to your nowhere
Leaving me with a memory
I'll always wait for your
return out of nowhere
Hoping you'll bring
your love to me
(applause)
- The 19.. hold it.
The 1930s saw the
dawn of a bright new era
ushered in with Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(laughter)
- And how about FDR's
famous radio broadcast.
- Oh yeah.
- He gave inspiration
to the whole country.
- [Voice] This concludes
another fireside chat
with the President
of the United States.
- Mama, when I grow
up, I want to marry
a man like Mr. Roosevelt.
- (Laughs) Now you hush, Birdie.
With our luck, you're
probably going to marry
some big Texas
cowboy like I did.
- (screams) Hey Lyndon!
Mama says we can get married!
(laughter)
- Birdie..
- Well maybe the 30s weren't
exactly the good ol' days,
but what about the 40s?
- Hold it.
You're forgetting what comes
between the 30s and the 40s.
- Which is?
- A couple of commercials.
(laughter)
- I didn't know that.
(thematic music)
(house music)
- Meanwhile, back
at the good ol' days...
- Ah and now the 40s.
- Yes and 1940s saw the
dawn of a bright new era,
ushered in with Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- Great songs
filled those years.
I left my heart at the
stage door canteen
And every sailor knows
just what that means
A sailor boy without a heart
has two strikes on
him from the start
And my heart (his heart)
at the stage door canteen
Don't sit under the apple
tree with anyone else but me
Anyone else but me
Anyone else but me
No, no, no
Don't sit under the apple
tree with anyone else but me
Til I come marching
home (applause)
- Well naturally the war
dominated the events,
uh, during the 40s.
- That's right, when the
efficiency and precision
of the United States military
machine reached its peak.
- Hm.
- Now Sergeant, I hope you
assigned all the new inductees
to their new jobs in the Army.
- Oh yes sir, I did.
- Good, well I hope
you assigned each one
to something related to
what they did in civilian life.
- Oh yes sir, I did.
- Oh, excellent.
Well let's see here.
Ah, I see you've
interviewed a pediatrician!
So what did you,
where did you put him?
- Well sir, I know a
pediatrician takes care of feet,
so I put him in infantry.
(laughter)
- I see.
And um, and this one,
uh, he was a lifeguard.
- And I put him
in the motor pool.
(laughter)
- Motoring pool
(coughs) and uh this man,
he was a brick layer.
- Oh yes sir, that brick
layer'll be right at home.
I put him in a mortar crew.
(laughter)
- Of all the
imbecillic, moronic,
what did an idiot like you
do before the war, sergeant?
Sir, before the war, I was
a sergeant in the Army.
(laughter) (drum roll)
(house music)
- Well maybe the 40s weren't
exactly the good ol' days,
but what about the 50s?
- Of course, the 50s saw
the dawn of a new era,
ushered in with Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(laughter)
Yep.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- And there were really
great songs then, boy.
- Hm!
You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog
Cryin' all the time
You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog
Cryin' all the time
Well, you ain't
never caught a rabbit
And you ain't no
friend of mine (screams)
(applause)
- You know what, Goldie!
- What?
- The 50s saw the
first transplants.
- Well, is that anything
like an eggplant?
- (laughs) You know it
isn't you silly blonde lady.
(laughter)
I'll tell you what though.
The 50s, during that time, the
Russian surgeons transplanted
a dog's head, creating the
world's largest two-headed dog.
(sings) (laughter)
- First you see Dr. Visarovich,
we have taken this
normal dog and grafted
it onto a second head.
When one head eats, the
other will not even know
when it's being fed.
- See that seems
like a lot of trouble
to go through just
to fool another dog.
(laughter)
- Go to Siberia.
(laughter) (house music)
- Well maybe the 50s weren't
exactly the good ol' days,
but what about 60s?
- Aha, the 60s were
ushered in by Guy Lombardo,
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- And the 60s brought a whole
new sound in popular music.
The excitement of the big beat.
(band playing)
Tiptoe through the window
By the window,
that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the
garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips with me
(clicking tongue)
(applause)
- You know that song
has a familiar ring to it.
(laughter)
- Well, maybe you
heard it somewhere.
Say do you realize
that after next year,
they'll be calling the
60s the good ol' days?
- Well, what's so
good about the 60s?
- Are you kidding?
We had bikinis, mini-skirts,
see-through dresses,
topless waitresses,
things never looked better!
- And to you that
makes the 60s great?
- Well it beats the 50s.
At least we don't
have a war in Korea.
- No, but we got
a war in Vietnam.
- Oh alright, but
compared to the 40s,
we don't have World War II.
- No, but we got
a war in Vietnam.
- Okay, but what about the
30s after the Depression?
Nobody had any money left.
- And then in the 60s,
after taxes nobody
had any money left.
(laughter)
- Well then look at the 20s,
organized crime, gang wars.
Nobody was safe on the streets!
- Look at the 60s,
riots and muggings.
Nobody's safe in the streets.
- Well, when do we
get the good ol' days?
- Beats me, pal.
Hey maybe next year.
- Hm.
(Auld Lang Syne) (laughter)
- Hey wait a minute,
I just figured out
how to make the
70s the good ol' days.
- How's that?
- We gotta get rid
of Guy Lombardo
with that Auld Lang
Syne every year.
(laughter)
That's where the trouble starts!
- Wacker, I think
you're onto something!
(laughter)
- I'm Guy Lombardo,
and when I go,
I'm taking New
Year's Eve with me.
(laughter) (band playing)
- Now that's what
this show needs,
more penetrating political
comment pertinent to the events
that alter and
illuminate our times.
Tada!
(bell ringing) (laughter)
- Speaking of the good ol' days,
before we stop
reminiscing about the past,
there is one great moment
of the very recent past
that touched me deeply.
- I know what you mean,
Lyndon Johnson's farewell speech
at the White House.
- I'll never forget it.
- Still brings a tear to my eye.
- It's been a
wonderful four years.
I'd like to tell
you that my wife
was played by Sheila MacRae.
(laughter)
Dean Rusk was Art Carney.
(laughter)
Lynda Bird was
played by Jane Kean.
(laughter)
Now in the words of our wonderful
statesman, Jackie Gleason,
I'd like to say to you...
Goodnight everybody!
(laughter) (house music)
- I don't think
that's thick enough.
Don't you want to make it
a little more thicker so it'll st-
Listen I have to have this
done by 3:00 this afternoon.
Is it gonna be through?
It doesn't, that's
an awfully big hole.
I wish you would, you've
been here since 10, sir.
And I really wish that you..
(laughter)
(♪ exclamation)
- Hey Virginian, how come
you wear leather clothes?
- Well they're warm, they
protect me from the cactus,
and besides they wear well.
- Yeah, and besides you
can't wear silk in a round-up.
(laughter)
- Come on, Tiny.
We know when we're not wanted.
(laughter)
(gallop)
(gong)
(guns firing)
(gallop)
(laughter)
- Hemp.
(laughter)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Mr. Dick.
- Who's Dick?
Oh goodnight, Dick.
- My brother Carmen
couldn't be here tonight.
He's back at the hotel
practicing his notes.
(laughter)
- Next week, we have
one of the most exciting..
- I wonder if you'd
mind! (laughs)
I wonder if you'd mind if
I really did say something
my aunt once said to me though?
- I don't see how
I could prevent it.
- Well actually this one
you'll probably get a
pretty big kick out of.
You see she was trapped
for a four-day weekend
in the fruit
department of an AMP
with a known melon squeeze.
(laughter)
- A known melon squeeze?
- Oh they're the worst kind.
I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out
would be of
interest to the folks.
- Well I know all the melon
squeezers wanna hear about it.
(laughter)
- Well there's a whole
gang of them, you know?
(laughter)
- Well, come on.
- When she came out, she
said, didn't say it right out,
but pretty soon she said,
Pinch my casaba and
I'll follow you anywhere.
(laughter)
- Goodnight, uh, goodnight Dick.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(band playing) (applause)
- Oh, Mr. Tiny.
(giggles) Hey, did you
see Yellow Submarine?
- No, I can't stand
Japanese war movies.
(laughter)
- (♪♪) I love the new Tiny.
(laughter)
- Anybody seen Alan Sues?
- I haven't.
- You're Alan.
- Oh good, he's my favorite.
(laughter)
- Did you hear about the
rabbi, the minister, the priest,
the nun, the Irishman,
and the Greek?
- No, how's it go?
- I don't know but it's a
great combination for a joke.
(laughter)
- If every car in the United
States were painted pink,
we'd have a pink car nation.
(laughter)
I'd really rather tiptoe
through the tulips.
(laughter)
- Hello, Dick.
- Hello, love.
- Do you really think
you couldn't carry
a good thing too far?
- Oh, depends how heavy she is.
(laughter)
- I understand the
government's going to speed up
welfare payments.
- Yeah, and they're
going to call it
fast, fast, Fast Relief!
(laughter)
- Believe me, don't
ever argue wit a barber.
All they wanna
do is split hairs.
(laughter)
- Jud.. Judy?
- What?
- How about a
bite after the show?
- Uh no thanks, Dan.
My mum says I shouldn't
go out with Dick anymore.
(laughter)
- Goldie, how rare
do you like your steak?
- Ra.. uh rare, once
a month! (laughs)
- Alright. (laughs)
- Show me a husband
who goes to pot,
and I'll show you a grass widow.
(laughter)
- That's a lot of trouble to
go to just to see another dog.
(laughter)
- Miss Lollobrigida, could
you help me with my Italian?
- Oh, I'll be glad, Goldie.
Eh, what's his name?
(laughter)
- Oh, I still don't get it.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
(crash)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- (yawns) Well,
time to hit the rack.
- Don't say that!
(laughter)
- Alright, turn
this boat around.
We're going to Cuba.
(laughter)
- I wondered who you were.
(band playing)
(crash)
(laughter)
- This program was
pre-recorded to allow our cast
time to report to
their parole officers.
- Oh, you know, I
watched the whole show.
And I still don't get it.
- And you never will.
(whack)
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
But the Pulitzer Prize
is safe for another week.
(laughter)
- Goodnight, Lucy.
You're a beautiful,
maddening, gorgeous girl.
And for all of you fun-loving
people over at Peyton Place,
it's an awful lot
of trouble to go
just to fool another network.
(laughter)
Oh, and I think an
alligator just ate my foot.
(laughter)
(hands clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- I've finished it.
I think I've captured
that famous smile
but I still don't understand it.
Do you smile to tempt
a lover, Mona Lisa?
Or is this your way to
hide a broken heart?
Are you warm?
Are you real, Mona Lisa?
- No, I guess I'm
just a cold and lonely,
lovely work of art.
(laughter) (applause)
(house music)
- There's been a rash of
burglaries in my neighborhood,
so I've put locks on
my doors and windows.
Now if a burglar
gets in, I'm all set.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know, I know a
couple that got engaged
at a drive-in movie,
married in a drive-in church,
and took a cross-country
trip on their honeymoon.
Ha, today they got
three beautiful children
and they never
been out of their car.
(laughter) (house music)
- They've got this
new co-ed dormitory
at Stanford University where
the boys occupy the east wing
and the girls occupy
the west wing.
Actually, it's the
only way to fly.
(laughter) (house music)
- I took up yoga.
I assume a seated posture
and remain motionless for hours.
It's not much
but it sure beats sitting
around doing nothing.
(laughter) (house music)
- Ha, I had a terrible
time last night.
I took a sleeping
pill and I dosed off
before I could enjoy it.
(laughter) (house music)
- Say great much
progress in my country.
In ten years, every Russian
will have a roof over his head.
And in 20 years, maybe
they'll even put up walls.
(laughter) (house music)
- I went to a big show
biz party last night.
I'll say one thing, those
people in Beverly Hills
sure have a beautiful ghetto.
(laughter) (house music)
- If Rome continues
its ban on the pill,
in 15 years there will be twice
as many people protesting.
(laughter) (house music)
- Dick.
- Mhm.
- Give me two good reasons
for nudity in the movies.
- Hm, Raquel Welch.
(laughter) (house music)
- Now if a burglar
gets in, I'm all set.
(laughter)
- Done, I just met this
new divine nudity producer
who wants to put me in his
new mo-ovie all about nudity.
But you know what (laughs)
so far he hasn't been
able to meet my figga.
(laughs) Did you notice this?
(laughter) (applause)
(house music)
- I don't know why the
government's hitting me
with all these taxes.
Dad always said I was
a complete write-off.
(laughter) (house music)
- Tiny, which one of
us is the opposite sex?
(laughter)
- How am I supposed
to know, Miss Goldie?
I've never been out with one.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know, I've
been considering
some of the moral aspects
of all this transplant business.
And I've come to a
simple conclusion.
When you're dead, you're dead.
That's life.
(laughter) (house music)
(applause)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
just three coughs and a
sneeze from Los Angeles,
smog capital of the world,
NBC wheezingly presents
a collection of old wheezes
called Rowan and
Martin's Cough In.
(laughter)
(coughs)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest star Tiny
Tim and Judy Carne.
Artie Johnson with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley.
With Chelsea Brown, Muriel
Landers, and yours truly Morgul
as the Friendly Drelb, who is
played tonight by Gary Owens.
But first, this commercial
announcement.
(house music)
- I'm sorry, Doctor. But
you've lot this patient.
- And this cigarette
has lost its taste.
(laughter)
- Why not try one of mine?
- One of your cigarettes?
- No, one of my patients.
(laughter)
- They're stronger,
they last longer,
and they don't leave an ugly
blot on your medical record.
(laughter)
- And now for
this important lull.
(bright music)
(band playing)
(cheers)
- Whoa!
(laughter)
- Don't stop now!
(bluegrass music)
(paint tools clashing)
(laughter)
- Uh oh, we're in for it now.
Here come those
handball players again.
(laughter)
- (yelling) Ah, ahh.
(laughter)
- Oh, an aeroplane to rescue us!
Quick, signal him!
Quick!
- Yoohoo, Mr. Airplane.
(laughter)
- Tiny.
(phone buzzing)
- Allo, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You'd like to invite the
cast to go on a hayride?
Oh I wouldn't do that, sir.
It would disillusion them.
They think they're
already on one.
(laughter)
- If it weren't for this show,
I wouldn't be where I am.
But I don't hold
that against them.
(laughter)
- And now, as the
houselights dim
and Mister and Missus
First-Nighter grope for their seats,
the orchestra
breaks into a rash.
And the Walter Cronkite
chorale asks the musical question
Don't Rain On My Parade.
(laughter)
As sung by Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin.
(applause) (house music)
- Good evening.
Hey we've got a show tonight.
- Well, I guess
you're pretty excited
about the party
tonight, uh? (laughs)
- What party?
- Oh, that's right.
You're not supposed
to know about it.
- You going to tell me
about the party or not?
- What party?
- The party I'm not supposed
to know anything about.
- Oh, you know about it?
Who told you?
- Nobody told me.
- Well that's good
cause you're not
supposed to know about it.
Anyway it's a surprise.
- You mean there's a
surprise party for me tonight?
- Then you do know about it.
(laughter)
- Well you told me, Big Mouth.
- Not me, I promised your wife.
- My wife planned
this whole thing?
- She and your sister
Effel from Chicago
whom you haven't
seen in eight years.
- I don't wanna hear anymore.
- Ah, you ought to see
the present they gotcha.
- Dick, please.
- Okay, they got you a watch.
(laughter)
- A watch?
- There's no use guessing,
my lips are sealed.
(laughter)
(violin playing)
- Oh Mr. Benny, I wish
you'd do more TV shows.
- Really, why do you miss me?
- Oh no, not you.
Rochester.
(laughter) (violin playing)
- In America, my
new movie's called
Buona Sera, Mrs. Campbell.
The Italian version is called
Good Evening, Mrs. Minestrone.
(laughter)
- Good evening,
gentleman and ships at sea.
Let's go to press.
And now, here's
the Laugh-In News.
It may not be as good
as your local newspaper,
but at least the ink doesn't
come off on your fingers.
(laughter)
(bell ringing)
(thematic music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to give you a view
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
(scats)
And here's Mr. Dan.
(applause) (pompous music)
(babbling)
- Wait a minute, we
can't go in front of Dan!
We go behind Dan!
(laughter)
- If I get the flu, I'm
gonna be just sick!
(laughter)
- Now with the
news of the present,
here's the man whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news.
Who were they?
Here's Dickey.
(pompous music) (applause)
(cheering)
- Hm, California.
Longshoreman at San
Pedro today struck once again,
refusing to unload his ship,
claiming the hulls
were full of mice.
President Irving Lazar of the
White Mouse Importing Company
who leased the ship said,
This strike could be a long one.
(laughter)
And in Warsaw,
informed sources report
that the launching of the
first Polish moonrocket
has been delayed until
the government can develop
a workable match
to light the fuse.
(laughter)
Hollywood!
A major film studio
announced plans today
to remake My Fair Lady
completely in the nude.
Marni Nixon was chosen to
dub in Audrey Hepburn's figure.
(laughter)
Take it away Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now with the
news of Dan, 20,
from the 20 years from now.
(laughs) Rowan,
here's future. (laughs)
- Absolute disaster, Goldie.
- Really?
- Yep.
- (Giggles) I could've sworn I
made a mistake somewhere.
(laughter)
- New York City 1989.
ABC TV president Chuck
Barris today announced that
since there were no more
old movies available for TV,
future programming will consist
of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, and Saturday night
at the Dating Game.
(laughter)
Meanwhile, around the
country 20 years from now,
the mayors of Cleveland,
Chicago, Detroit, Miami,
and Los Angeles
went out on strike.
Hot on the heels of the
Federal Mediators strike,
at the White House,
President Walter Reuther
angrily denounced all strikers
and promised
prompt legal action,
just as soon as he can settle
the Supreme Court walk-out.
(laughter)
Finally this news in the
future 1989, 20 years from now,
the sole survivor of the
tiny nation of Biafra today
thanked the United Nations
for all the help
they have given him
ever since uranium was
discovered in Biafra last week.
Those planes will
get in there now, baby.
(laughter)
- Now, skipping through
the pages of history,
we turn right at the Civil War
and come to a screeching halt
at Mount Vernon, the home of
George and Martha Washington.
(Yankee Doodle)
- Martha, as Commander
of the Continental Army,
I've just defeated King George
and freed us from
the British yelk.
Now I'm off to Philadelphia
to become the first
President of the United States
and father of our country.
How about that?
- Sure, George, sure.
Anything to get
out of the house.
(laughter)
Do you realize that you
haven't slept at home
one night in the
past three months?
(laughter)
And you're going to be
the father of our country?
Huh!
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
(laughter)
- Aw, poor baby.
(laughter)
- Peek.
(laughs) And now for the sports.
Here is hockey
pucks badboy himself.
Here's Alan Sues.
Take it away, you Dresden
hockey puck! (laughs)
(laughter)
- Ah, ah go crazy!
- I could help, big Hel.
(laughter)
- And now to keep you informed
of what's going
on in Washington,
here's Laugh-In's Girl on the Go
with the latest
capital punishment.
- Hello.
Judy Carne, your
Laugh-In Girl on the Go,
here at the Washington DC
home of Mrs. Greer Fogulson
who lives at 1602
Pennsylvania Avenue,
right next door to
the White House.
- Well, not anymore!
I've had it living next
door to that bunch.
I bet I spend two hours a day
scrubbing barbecue
smoke off my windows.
What are they running over there
some kind of a
Mexican restaurant?
(laughter)
- You mean the Johnsons.
Ah ha, I knew it!
Oh I knew it!
A Howard Johnson's.
(laughter)
- Oh no no, not Howard Johson.
Lyndon Johnson.
But they've left now.
His successor has moved in.
- That's another thing.
Every few years, I've got a
new neighbor to get used to.
You know whoever owns that place
has a tough time
keeping it rented.
I hear, I hear they're going
to break it up into apartments.
- Oh no, no you've
got it all wrong.
That's the home of
the nation's First Family.
And President
Nixon lives there now.
- Oh, phew I heard about him.
That's a big reason I'm moving.
- Oh, oh really why?
- Because I hear
he's got Spiro Agnew
and I'm getting out of
here before the whole thing
spreads right through
the neighborhood.
(laughter)
(loud hum) (motor running)
(squeak) (gun fires)
(gongs sound) (laughter)
(thematic music)
(plastering)
- Come on, Allen.
Lunch.
(crashes)
- How ya doin, Henry?
I'm almost finished on my side.
(laughter)
(jazz band playing)
(men cheering)
(men shouting)
- Hey, what happened beautiful?
- Oh, I just threw out my back.
- Well throw it out here, baby!
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
(laughter)
- Psst, now here's my plan.
- Go to your room.
(laughter)
- Mr. Wagner, why
in heaven's name
are you dressed like that?
- Well they said
women and children first.
(laughter)
- Simple, I couldn't find
any children's clothes.
(laughter)
What's a body to do?
- I don't know maybe you
should be that flower on that side.
(laughter)
- Announcing George
Washington and Mrs. Carver.
(laughter)
- As you'll recall,
boys and girls,
when we last left
Jack Dock and Reggie,
they were sinking
slowing in Baskin Robbin's
Flavor of the Month.
And speaking of banana
nut surprises, here they are.
Dan and Dick!
- Hey I've been
meaning to ask you,
how's your invisible uncle?
- Oh, Uncle Willard?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- I don't know, I
haven't seem him lately.
- Of course you haven't
seem him, ya ding-a-ling.
He's invisible.
- (claps) Maybe
that explains it.
- Did you just slap a slap coin?
What does that explain?
- Well, when I got out of
the shower this morning,
somebody dried my back.
(laughter)
- Did you turn around
and see who it was?
- I'm not nosy.
(laughter)
- It was probably Uncle Willard.
- Yeah, darn it.
- What do you mean darn it?
- Well, if that
was Uncle Willard,
it means I gave my
maid a raise for nothing.
(laughs) (laughter)
- Moving right along,
here's what we lovingly call
an act of potpourri.
(laughing)
- So you call
yourself The Virginian.
Where are you from?
- Buffalo.
- Buffalo?
Well that's in New York.
Why do you call
yourself The Virginian?
- I used to call myself
The New Yorker
but some magazine
made a big stink about it.
(laughter)
- I had the same trouble too.
I used to call myself The
Saturday Evening Post.
(laughter)
- Hey Chelsea, do
you have any soap?
- Sure hon, here have
a bar of Black Power.
- That's right, it
is Black Power!
You must be putting me on.
Look it's pink inside!
- Don't noise it
around, but um so am I.
(laughter)
- Me too, Chelsea.
(camera flashing)
- Are you the security officer?
- No, I'm an
industrial spy like you.
(camera flashing)
- Hold it.
(camera clicks)
- Are you the security officer?
- No, I'm just
another industrial spy.
- Oh, I didn't know there
were so many industrial spies
on this case.
(camera clicks)
- Hm, and we've all got
the new super-secret
infrared cameras.
They're neat, aren't they?
- Hold it.
- Are you the security officer?
- No, I'm the Social Director
for the Industrial Spies Union.
Now as soon as I take a picture
of your super-secret
infrared camera,
I'd like to get a group
shot for the magazine.
(laughter)
- Okay.
- Say steal.
(laughter) (dramatic music)
- (Laughs) One Egg Foo
Young for Mao See Tongue.
I know, I mean uh,
one Mao See Tongue
for Egg Foo (laughs) Young.
No, no, was that uh Foo
(laughs) Mao See Foo
for Egg Foo Young.
Mao.. I don't know.
(laughter)
- Morning is like
the sands of time,
as they blow on the
ancient Himalayas.
(laughter)
- Society for the
Advancement of Atheism
will meet this
Tuesday, God willing.
(laughter)
- Look Ezekiel, a moving finger.
- It is writing on the wall.
- Oh what strange being
could be doing that?
- Well, judging
from the handwriting,
I'd say he's creative,
authoritative,
used to having his own way,
and he can write
wherever he wants.
(laughter)
- Bartender, where
can I park my shotgun?
- Yeah, where can I put my arm?
- Where can I plug
in my electric ukulele?
(laughter)
- I have a frozen dactyl.
(laughter)
(leaves rustling)
- Very interesting.
And remember only two
more days to get your tickets
to the Helmut
Dantine Film Festival.
(laughter)
And you will buy them.
Sorry Helmut.
(laughter)
(band playing)
- I have a feeling in my bones
it's time for the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate award.
- Is that where it get's ya?
- Well, that's just
an expression.
- Oh okay, who get's
the darling digit this time?
- A certain number
of New York's finest.
- They've been up to something?
- Well no, actually they
haven't been up at all.
They've been
sleeping on the job.
- All of them?
- Well of course
not all of them,
but according to
the nation's press,
some of the arms of
the law in New York City
have really been
sleeping while on duty.
They call it cooping.
- Aha, cooping out, eh?
- You might say that.
You see these police
officers come to work
with blankets,
pillows, alarm clocks,
and they find spare hotel
rooms or the back of a squad car,
sometimes even
an empty mortuary,
and they catch a little nap.
And that's called cooping.
- Whoo!
Well how do you cope
with cops that coop?
(laughter)
- Well, to use an
underworld term,
you might put the finger on 'em.
- Well, that's a
good idea, Ollie.
- Award up.
- So to those men in
the blue Dr. Denton's
take one of these
before retiring.
Sweet dreams.
- Now a special treat.
The winner of the June
Allyson Whisper-a-Like Contest,
the lovely Miss Jo Anne
Worley and her entire mouth!
(opera singing)
(glass crashing)
(laughter)
- Miss Worley's voice
comes to us tonight
through the courtesy of
the Wind Tunnel division
of Lockheed Aircraft.
(band playing)
(men cheering)
(heels tapping)
(men shouting) (laughter)
(upbeat music)
(slam)
(laughter)
- Hey, isn't today
supposed to be linen day?
(laughter)
- You've made my life a joy.
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
(dramatic music)
- Elridge.
(laughter)
(light music)
- My Potato is Falling
Off by Henry Gibson.
My potato is falling off, and
I haven't even got to peel it.
I guess I should've stood
still or put up a fence.
But I got so used to
the way it just balanced.
I never imagined it might
just, whoops there it goes.
Oh well.
I've still got my turnip.
(laughter)
- Time for a station
break, Goldie.
Do you want to
have a quick drink?
- Oh, if I have to
drink one more Station,
I'm going to be up all night!
(laughs)
Now here's the big finish, folk.
(whimsical music)
(gears spinning)
- Hello, hello.
I'm your duty doll.
Pull my string, and
I'll ring your chimes.
(laughter)
(chimes ringing)
(thud)
(laughter)
- Time for another
commercial, darling.
And tell them Goldie
sent you (laughs), Goldie.
(house music)
- Andy Warhol donated
a pop art painting
to our church last week.
It's called Madonna
and Soup Can.
(laughter) (house music)
- Goldie, did you know
that Michelangelo painted
the entire Sistine
Chapel on his back.
- Oh, well didn't it wash
off when he took a shower?
(laughter) (house music)
- I was the model for a
very famous work of art,
the Washington Monument.
(laughter) (house music)
- They've started a new
school of painting on Fire Island.
It's called uh Fop Art.
(laughter) (house music)
- TV is really getting arty.
Last year we saw the
Louvre on Channel 4.
And next year you're
going to be able to see
the Artists and Models
Ball on Channel 28.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know these young
artists are alright I suppose.
But personally I'm a
pushover for an old Master(♪).
(laughs)
(laughter) (house music)
- In the Russian subway,
they got a new picture.
It's with 15 sahaloholaces(♪)
being chased by
42 holomnieckis(♪)
nipping away at
their pahayatzee(♪).
Personally, I think
it's in bad taste.
(laughter) (house music)
- My uncle wrecked his car
in front of the
Museum of Modern Art.
So he signed it.
Won first prize in
a sculpture festival.
(laughter) (house music)
- I have two pictures
in the museum.
- Oh yeah? One
like this, one like that.
- Oh that Henny Picasso.
(laughter) (house music)
- I think Dad wanted
me to be a painter.
When I was 12 years
old he gave me the brush.
(laughter) (house music)
- You know a friend
of mine painted
George Jessel on
his last honeymoon.
He calls it Still Life.
(laughter) (house music)
- Hey you know the last
time I was in New York,
I went to the
Guggenheim eight times.
- Silly, I told you not
to drink the water.
(laughter)
- Tiny, go to your room.
(laughter) (house music)
(applause) (band playing)
- A one and a two.
- Oh Mr. Lombardo, I'd
love to play in your band.
- What instrument do you play?
- Oh, no instrument.
I'd just love to
play in your band.
(laughter)
They're my kind of fellas.
(laughter)
Show me the way
to go home (laughter)
- You wouldn't be holdin
out on me, would you?
(laughter)
(band playing) (men cheering)
(curtain ripping)
(laughter)
- Speaking of
Discovery of the Week,
have you ever
seen a singing pig?
- Well actually just one.
Uh, she worked with a polka
band in Yankton, South Dakota.
(laughter)
- No, I mean a
really four-legged pig!
- Oh, couldn't be the same lady.
Uh, this one only
had three legs.
(laughter)
- You knew a three-legged
singer in Yankton, South Dakota?
- That's funny.
So did I!
(laughter)
- Well in that case
you'll feel right at home
with our Discovery of the Week,
Uncle Heavy and
his Porkchop Review.
(applause)
- Roll it, roll it, roll
it, roll it, roll it, roll it,
roll it, roll it,
roll it, roll it.
(applause) (laughter)
- Don't tell Dan or Dick,
but for $5 more, they
could've had Shep Fields!
I'm Popeye the sailor man
(pig oinking) (laughter)
I'm Popeye the sailor man
(pig grunting) (laughter)
I eats all my spinach
I fight to the finish
I'm Popeye the sailor man
(pig grunting) (laughter)
(applause)
- Thank you,
patrons of the arts!
- Well what do you think?
- Well she's no
Barbara Striesand.
(laughter)
- How do you figure?
- Well her nose is too short
and she can't hold
those high notes.
(laughter)
- Pig, go to your sty.
(laughter)
(creepy singing) (laughter)
- (chuckling) Ah...
would you call my face
ruggedly handsome?
(whack) (laughter)
Well, would you call my
body sensually attractive?
- (gasps) Oh!
(whack) (laughter)
- Would you call my next of kin?
(laughter)
- And now for what's
happening in higher education,
let's take a trip around
campus with Miss Judy Carne.
(horns)
- Hallo.
Tiajuana, Mexico.
From all reports, they're
having a high old time
at the University of
Tiajuana's annual homecoming
potluck bonfire, which
is now in its seventh year.
The bonfire is so popular,
the students have missed
the last 102 basketball games.
But that's alright, they
don't have a ball anyway.
(laughter)
Take it away, Professor.
- In this experiment,
I keep a male dog
and a female dog in a cage.
(laughter)
Every time I ring the bell,
the partition between them rises
and the male dog can
see the female dog.
In this way, the male
dog learned to associate
the sound of the bell with
the sight of the female dog.
But what amazed me is how fast
the female dog
learned to ring the bell.
(laughter) (applause)
- Well, ring my chimes.
(laughter)
- Oxford, Mississippi.
The University of Mississippi
today voluntarily instituted
a program of Black Studies.
Subject matter will include
Uncle Remus, Little Black Sambo,
and the collected
recipes of Aunt Jemimey.
(laughter)
Aunt Jemima, pardon.
(laughter)
- The Philosophy of
Stepin Fetchit will be offered
at the graduate level only.
(laughter)
- Aw yeah, baby.
Yeah, yeah.
- Gooch, gooch, gooch.
- Heya, hey lemme
have the check.
(giggles)
- Well let's see now.
That'll be ten cents for
the coffee, $5 for the sugar.
(laughter)
(high whistle)
- My how you've grown!
(laughter)
- Well, that's my Campus
Report for tonight, kids.
And remember, gang, only
a few short weeks til Easter.
So those of you going
to Fort Lauderdale
for the sunrise services,
don't forget your church keys.
(laughter)
(band playing) (men cheering)
(laughter)
(men screaming)
- Poor baby, I know
just how she feels.
I was bald when I was ten.
- Well maybe it's growing down.
Open your mouth, I'm a doctor.
I was right!
Your Adam's apple's in a bush!
(laughter)
- How do you like our show
now that we have nonviolent TV?
- Well it's okay I guess.
But I think it's a little
ridiculous for grown men
goin' round hollerin',
Bang bang you're dead.
(laughter)
- Hey I think we've
got a debate going.
You want to be on the
affirmatory side or the negative?
- They're awfully husky.
Maybe we shouldn't mix in.
(laughter)
- Hey, here comes
a guy with a whip.
Is it your birthday?
(laughter)
- No.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Permission to
come aboard, sir.
- Permission denied!
(laughter)
(thematic music)
(teeth chattering)
- Falsies.
(teeth chattering)
(thematic music)
(band playing) (men cheering)
(crashing) (laughter)
(men shouting) (band playing)
(laughter)
- Hey, tell me again
what happened right
after the judge told you
he couldn't do that to you.
(laughter)
- He did.
(splatter)
(whimsical music)
(stumbling) (laughter)
(house music)
- Looks like this
is the end, folks.
Does anybody know a hymn?
- Um yes, Captain.
I know (laughs) him and
(laughs) him, (laughs) him.
And I'd like to know
you better, big boy!
(laughs) Come on to
this side of the boat!
(singing)
- Get the puppy!
Get the puppy!
- To find what
Captain Marvel said
as he escaped the clutches of
the foul gas-emitting cabbage,
dial your secret decoding
thing to 19-20-9-14-11.
But don't tell your folks.
(laughter)
(thematic music)
- Well Dick, tonight we're
saluting the good ol' days.
- Yeah well, confidentially,
some of the humor
in that escaped me.
- Well we haven't done
it yet, ya ding-a-ling.
- You know that's probably
what was wrong with it?
- Yeah, probably.
But not to change the subject,
what do you think
were the good ol' days?
- Oh, I guess a lot of people
would say the Roaring 20s
with the boo-boop-be-doo.
- You really dig the 20s, huh?
- You'd bet your sweet
bippy-de-boop-boop-boop-be-doo.
(laughter)
- Yeah well the 20s saw
the dawn of a new bright era
ushered in by Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- Boy they had some
great songs in those days.
- Yep.
(upbeat music)
When my sugar
walks down the street
All the little birdies
go tweet, tweet, tweet
And in the evening
when the sun goes down
And there's no one else around
I'm affectionate, I exist
When I kiss you,
you shall be kissed
When my sugar
walks down the street
All the little birdies
go tweet, tweet, tweet
(applause)
- At first, the 20s introduced
the classic American gangster.
Not him.
(laughter)
- Alright, all of you
line up against that wall.
(shots fired)
Oh hi, Phil.
- I ain't Phil.
- Isn't this Phil's garage?
- No, it's Sweeney's place.
- Mercy, I just
killed 25 mechanics.
(laughter)
(house music)
- Well maybe the 20s weren't
exactly the good ol' days.
But what about the 30s?
- Woohoo, whoopee!
Those were the days.
What music, what songs!
- Yep (old time jazz)
You came to me
from out of nowhere
You took my heart
and found it free
Wonderful dreams, wonderful
schemes from nowhere
Made every hour
sweet as a flower to me
If you should go
back to your nowhere
Leaving me with a memory
I'll always wait for your
return out of nowhere
Hoping you'll bring
your love to me
(applause)
- The 19.. hold it.
The 1930s saw the
dawn of a bright new era
ushered in with Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(laughter)
- And how about FDR's
famous radio broadcast.
- Oh yeah.
- He gave inspiration
to the whole country.
- [Voice] This concludes
another fireside chat
with the President
of the United States.
- Mama, when I grow
up, I want to marry
a man like Mr. Roosevelt.
- (Laughs) Now you hush, Birdie.
With our luck, you're
probably going to marry
some big Texas
cowboy like I did.
- (screams) Hey Lyndon!
Mama says we can get married!
(laughter)
- Birdie..
- Well maybe the 30s weren't
exactly the good ol' days,
but what about the 40s?
- Hold it.
You're forgetting what comes
between the 30s and the 40s.
- Which is?
- A couple of commercials.
(laughter)
- I didn't know that.
(thematic music)
(house music)
- Meanwhile, back
at the good ol' days...
- Ah and now the 40s.
- Yes and 1940s saw the
dawn of a bright new era,
ushered in with Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- Great songs
filled those years.
I left my heart at the
stage door canteen
And every sailor knows
just what that means
A sailor boy without a heart
has two strikes on
him from the start
And my heart (his heart)
at the stage door canteen
Don't sit under the apple
tree with anyone else but me
Anyone else but me
Anyone else but me
No, no, no
Don't sit under the apple
tree with anyone else but me
Til I come marching
home (applause)
- Well naturally the war
dominated the events,
uh, during the 40s.
- That's right, when the
efficiency and precision
of the United States military
machine reached its peak.
- Hm.
- Now Sergeant, I hope you
assigned all the new inductees
to their new jobs in the Army.
- Oh yes sir, I did.
- Good, well I hope
you assigned each one
to something related to
what they did in civilian life.
- Oh yes sir, I did.
- Oh, excellent.
Well let's see here.
Ah, I see you've
interviewed a pediatrician!
So what did you,
where did you put him?
- Well sir, I know a
pediatrician takes care of feet,
so I put him in infantry.
(laughter)
- I see.
And um, and this one,
uh, he was a lifeguard.
- And I put him
in the motor pool.
(laughter)
- Motoring pool
(coughs) and uh this man,
he was a brick layer.
- Oh yes sir, that brick
layer'll be right at home.
I put him in a mortar crew.
(laughter)
- Of all the
imbecillic, moronic,
what did an idiot like you
do before the war, sergeant?
Sir, before the war, I was
a sergeant in the Army.
(laughter) (drum roll)
(house music)
- Well maybe the 40s weren't
exactly the good ol' days,
but what about the 50s?
- Of course, the 50s saw
the dawn of a new era,
ushered in with Guy Lombardo
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(laughter)
Yep.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- And there were really
great songs then, boy.
- Hm!
You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog
Cryin' all the time
You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog
Cryin' all the time
Well, you ain't
never caught a rabbit
And you ain't no
friend of mine (screams)
(applause)
- You know what, Goldie!
- What?
- The 50s saw the
first transplants.
- Well, is that anything
like an eggplant?
- (laughs) You know it
isn't you silly blonde lady.
(laughter)
I'll tell you what though.
The 50s, during that time, the
Russian surgeons transplanted
a dog's head, creating the
world's largest two-headed dog.
(sings) (laughter)
- First you see Dr. Visarovich,
we have taken this
normal dog and grafted
it onto a second head.
When one head eats, the
other will not even know
when it's being fed.
- See that seems
like a lot of trouble
to go through just
to fool another dog.
(laughter)
- Go to Siberia.
(laughter) (house music)
- Well maybe the 50s weren't
exactly the good ol' days,
but what about 60s?
- Aha, the 60s were
ushered in by Guy Lombardo,
playing the immortal
Auld Lang Syne.
(Auld Lang Syne)
- And the 60s brought a whole
new sound in popular music.
The excitement of the big beat.
(band playing)
Tiptoe through the window
By the window,
that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the
garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips with me
(clicking tongue)
(applause)
- You know that song
has a familiar ring to it.
(laughter)
- Well, maybe you
heard it somewhere.
Say do you realize
that after next year,
they'll be calling the
60s the good ol' days?
- Well, what's so
good about the 60s?
- Are you kidding?
We had bikinis, mini-skirts,
see-through dresses,
topless waitresses,
things never looked better!
- And to you that
makes the 60s great?
- Well it beats the 50s.
At least we don't
have a war in Korea.
- No, but we got
a war in Vietnam.
- Oh alright, but
compared to the 40s,
we don't have World War II.
- No, but we got
a war in Vietnam.
- Okay, but what about the
30s after the Depression?
Nobody had any money left.
- And then in the 60s,
after taxes nobody
had any money left.
(laughter)
- Well then look at the 20s,
organized crime, gang wars.
Nobody was safe on the streets!
- Look at the 60s,
riots and muggings.
Nobody's safe in the streets.
- Well, when do we
get the good ol' days?
- Beats me, pal.
Hey maybe next year.
- Hm.
(Auld Lang Syne) (laughter)
- Hey wait a minute,
I just figured out
how to make the
70s the good ol' days.
- How's that?
- We gotta get rid
of Guy Lombardo
with that Auld Lang
Syne every year.
(laughter)
That's where the trouble starts!
- Wacker, I think
you're onto something!
(laughter)
- I'm Guy Lombardo,
and when I go,
I'm taking New
Year's Eve with me.
(laughter) (band playing)
- Now that's what
this show needs,
more penetrating political
comment pertinent to the events
that alter and
illuminate our times.
Tada!
(bell ringing) (laughter)
- Speaking of the good ol' days,
before we stop
reminiscing about the past,
there is one great moment
of the very recent past
that touched me deeply.
- I know what you mean,
Lyndon Johnson's farewell speech
at the White House.
- I'll never forget it.
- Still brings a tear to my eye.
- It's been a
wonderful four years.
I'd like to tell
you that my wife
was played by Sheila MacRae.
(laughter)
Dean Rusk was Art Carney.
(laughter)
Lynda Bird was
played by Jane Kean.
(laughter)
Now in the words of our wonderful
statesman, Jackie Gleason,
I'd like to say to you...
Goodnight everybody!
(laughter) (house music)
- I don't think
that's thick enough.
Don't you want to make it
a little more thicker so it'll st-
Listen I have to have this
done by 3:00 this afternoon.
Is it gonna be through?
It doesn't, that's
an awfully big hole.
I wish you would, you've
been here since 10, sir.
And I really wish that you..
(laughter)
(♪ exclamation)
- Hey Virginian, how come
you wear leather clothes?
- Well they're warm, they
protect me from the cactus,
and besides they wear well.
- Yeah, and besides you
can't wear silk in a round-up.
(laughter)
- Come on, Tiny.
We know when we're not wanted.
(laughter)
(gallop)
(gong)
(guns firing)
(gallop)
(laughter)
- Hemp.
(laughter)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Mr. Dick.
- Who's Dick?
Oh goodnight, Dick.
- My brother Carmen
couldn't be here tonight.
He's back at the hotel
practicing his notes.
(laughter)
- Next week, we have
one of the most exciting..
- I wonder if you'd
mind! (laughs)
I wonder if you'd mind if
I really did say something
my aunt once said to me though?
- I don't see how
I could prevent it.
- Well actually this one
you'll probably get a
pretty big kick out of.
You see she was trapped
for a four-day weekend
in the fruit
department of an AMP
with a known melon squeeze.
(laughter)
- A known melon squeeze?
- Oh they're the worst kind.
I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out
would be of
interest to the folks.
- Well I know all the melon
squeezers wanna hear about it.
(laughter)
- Well there's a whole
gang of them, you know?
(laughter)
- Well, come on.
- When she came out, she
said, didn't say it right out,
but pretty soon she said,
Pinch my casaba and
I'll follow you anywhere.
(laughter)
- Goodnight, uh, goodnight Dick.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(band playing) (applause)
- Oh, Mr. Tiny.
(giggles) Hey, did you
see Yellow Submarine?
- No, I can't stand
Japanese war movies.
(laughter)
- (♪♪) I love the new Tiny.
(laughter)
- Anybody seen Alan Sues?
- I haven't.
- You're Alan.
- Oh good, he's my favorite.
(laughter)
- Did you hear about the
rabbi, the minister, the priest,
the nun, the Irishman,
and the Greek?
- No, how's it go?
- I don't know but it's a
great combination for a joke.
(laughter)
- If every car in the United
States were painted pink,
we'd have a pink car nation.
(laughter)
I'd really rather tiptoe
through the tulips.
(laughter)
- Hello, Dick.
- Hello, love.
- Do you really think
you couldn't carry
a good thing too far?
- Oh, depends how heavy she is.
(laughter)
- I understand the
government's going to speed up
welfare payments.
- Yeah, and they're
going to call it
fast, fast, Fast Relief!
(laughter)
- Believe me, don't
ever argue wit a barber.
All they wanna
do is split hairs.
(laughter)
- Jud.. Judy?
- What?
- How about a
bite after the show?
- Uh no thanks, Dan.
My mum says I shouldn't
go out with Dick anymore.
(laughter)
- Goldie, how rare
do you like your steak?
- Ra.. uh rare, once
a month! (laughs)
- Alright. (laughs)
- Show me a husband
who goes to pot,
and I'll show you a grass widow.
(laughter)
- That's a lot of trouble to
go to just to see another dog.
(laughter)
- Miss Lollobrigida, could
you help me with my Italian?
- Oh, I'll be glad, Goldie.
Eh, what's his name?
(laughter)
- Oh, I still don't get it.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
(crash)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- (yawns) Well,
time to hit the rack.
- Don't say that!
(laughter)
- Alright, turn
this boat around.
We're going to Cuba.
(laughter)
- I wondered who you were.
(band playing)
(crash)
(laughter)
- This program was
pre-recorded to allow our cast
time to report to
their parole officers.
- Oh, you know, I
watched the whole show.
And I still don't get it.
- And you never will.
(whack)
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
But the Pulitzer Prize
is safe for another week.
(laughter)
- Goodnight, Lucy.
You're a beautiful,
maddening, gorgeous girl.
And for all of you fun-loving
people over at Peyton Place,
it's an awful lot
of trouble to go
just to fool another network.
(laughter)
Oh, and I think an
alligator just ate my foot.
(laughter)
(hands clapping)