Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 19 - Episode #2.19 - full transcript
- [Voiceover] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
What you have just seen
is the beloved NBC bird,
known to us all as the peacock.
Why they didn't select our
friendly fuschia-feathered
English farthingale, the queen
and I will never understand.
Judy won't be
too pleased either.
Ta-da!
(bright chimes)
- That's not funny.
- You know, Miss
Raskin, it is the policy
of our airlines not to hire
married stewardesses,
so I must ask for
your resignation.
- Oh, well Mr. Pfeiffer,
I'm not married.
(laughter)
- Oh, wonderful,
well in that case then,
we're both on the Flight
17 to San Francisco.
(laughter)
- Captain Columbus,
Captain Columbus!
This is America all right,
but it looks like Leif Erikson
got here first.
- How can you tell?
- Well, there's Danish
beer cans all over the beach.
(laughter) (jaunty music)
- Big Al, one place where
there isn't enough integration
is in sports.
- Are you kidding?
What about baseball,
football, track?
- Yeah, but name me
one Negro polo player.
- A message to my people.
Things are getting better.
Isn't it too bad
this show isn't?
(laughter) (jaunty music)
- Speak up, young lady.
- So help me, Mr. Holmes,
I had nothing to do with it.
- Hm, we can't take any chances.
I'll have to dust
you for fingerprints.
See, take a while for once.
(laughter)
Come along, young lady.
- Peaches?
- Yeah?
- I have a feeling I'm gonna
be in here for a long time.
- Oh, why do you say that?
- This morning they gave me
a suit with two pairs of pants.
- Goldie, you've been a
bunny for over two months now.
Isn't it time you got
over your shyness?
- And now from
the transplant ward
of the Burbank
Lonely Hearts Club,
NBC lovingly presents,
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Or is it laughingly presents
Rowan & Martin's Love-In?
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest star Davy
Jones, and Judy Carne,
Artie Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley,
with Chelsea Brown,
J.J. Barry,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgo as the friendly drab.
But first, a word from
our alternate spinster.
- My boyfriend Harry
used to weigh 287 pounds,
but after only two
short weeks of taking
nothing but Fats Off, his
weight was down to 153 pounds,
including the casket.
- That's funny,
oh, that's funny.
- Yes it is.
(laughter)
- And now for the twinkling
toes and titillating tonsils
of that tantalizing twosome,
the darling Dan Rowan,
and the dreaded Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Well.
- Sounds like thunder,
doesn't it?
- Yes it just, overwhelming.
I always feel like
doing it over again.
You wanna do it over again?
Hey, I tried to
call you yesterday.
- That's funny, I
was out all day.
- Oh, you were out all day.
- Yeah, I was with Uncle Marley.
- I don't believe I know
your Uncle Marley.
He's not your, that's
not your invisible uncle.
- No, that's Uncle Willard.
- Uncle Willard, okay,
what does Uncle Marley do?
- He trains birds.
- He's a bird trainer.
- That's funny, so
is my Uncle Marley.
- No.
(laughter)
Is there a lot of
call for bird training?
- Yeah, let's say you
got a homing pigeon
that you're very fond of.
- I've got a homing
pigeon I'm very fond of.
- Say, you just said that.
(laughter)
Well for one reason or another,
say you have to move, right?
- All right, and
he trains 'em to fly
to the new house, right?
- No, he talks
'em out of moving.
See, now Morley is the
friend of the bird, you see.
And it was Uncle Morley
who erected the statue
of the unknown
pigeon in Central Park.
- Didn't know there
was any such statue.
- Oh yeah, generals come
from miles around, just to -
- I don't wanna hear about it.
(laughter)
It was a good idea though, yeah.
- You think that's something,
Morley has a myna bird
that can recite the entire
works of Truman Capote.
Isn't that a thrill?
- Boy, is it, but it
probably doesn't
leave him much time for flying.
- Oh gosh no, he's straight.
- Listen, uh, I certainly would
be proud to meet this uncle.
Morley, Marley?
- Marley.
- Marley, up yours.
- Well, you can't
do that, you see,
he just walked
south for the winter.
- He walked south
for the winter.
- Told you he
couldn't fly, didn't I?
- Why don't you and I
walk south to a party?
- Why don't we fly?
- Okay.
You wanna fly to
the party with us?
(applause)
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
- My crowd can't decide
what to take this semester.
But we've narrowed
it down to either
the administration
building or the library.
(laughter)
- When I was a little girl, in
my neighborhood we used
to play a game called What Do
You Wanna Be If You Grow Up?
(laughter)
- If Washington is your
seat of government,
what do you call the
politicians who work there?
(laughter)
- Statistics show that the
majority of home fatalities
occur in the bathtub,
Dad says that explains
the low death rate
among hippies.
Oh Dad's a lot of
fun, hubba hubba.
- I believe in the
practice of sexual fidelity.
(smacks)
- Mm, race you to
the practice room.
- When I was a little
girl, my mother and father
entered me in a
beauty baby contest.
That was the last
I ever saw of them.
- Hey, the poor people
are afraid of the cops,
let 'em do like I do
and hire a bodyguard.
- The Warsaw Practice
come up with new way
for to getting to moon, they
are making 40 million Poles
stand on each other's shoulders.
- My new congressman has
a perfect attendance record.
He hasn't missed a single
Washington cocktail party.
So far.
(laughter)
- Hey Goldie?
- Hm?
- If the teachers are on strike
and the students are on strike,
what do they do
with our school taxes?
- Well I think they give
'em to the kids on welfare
so they can, um, finish school.
Because they never did.
(laughter)
- You know more Americans
have been killed on the highways
than all the wars combined?
Maybe we should bring our
soldiers home from Vietnam
and send our drivers over there.
(laughter)
- Hey, let's make a deal.
If the parents will stop
trying to become teenagers,
the teenagers will try to
stop becoming parents.
- Yeah, that's a fantastic
idea, young man.
- You see, Jo Anne,
today in America,
sex is the great driving force.
- Oh sure, and you know it's
much better when you're parked.
(laughter)
- That the church is
against cruelty to animals
has nothing to
do with those of us
trying to kill the
latest papal bull.
(applause)
- This is your offstage
announcer reminding you
that top-secret scientists are
working on a hydrogen bomb
with a silencer on
it in case we have
to attack an enemy library.
- Hello, hello, hello, and
now heave two while Laugh-In
fires the news across your bow.
And if you can't heave
two, at least heave one.
- All right, love.
(laughter)
- Oh that's cute,
that's very cute.
- Isn't that funny?
- Cute, you really
socked it to me.
(laughter)
- That's not funny, Davy.
- Oh that's funny,
funny, you bet
your sweet bucket it's funny.
(laughter)
(upbeat gospel music) (applause)
What's the news
Across the nation
We have got information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love To
give you our news
La-Di-Da, stop Ladies and gents
Laugh-In folks at the news
Here's Dan
(applause)
- And now for the
news of the present,
because the man doing the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
(applause)
- And now for the
news of the present.
London, it was learned today
that the new record album
which showed Beatle John
Lennon and his girlfriend Yoko
completely nude had
sold over two million copies
before anyone noticed
the striking resemblance.
Dateline Hollywood,
French international pictures,
announced today that
they will do a remake
of the Adam and Eve
story starring Raquel Welch.
The movie will be called
How D'Ya Like Them Apples.
(laughter)
And in Las Vegas, Elizabeth
Taylor and Richard Burton
signed to perform
at the Sands Hotel.
When asked what their
nightclub act would consist of,
the Burtons replied, they
will just step out on stage
and do their thing.
(laughter)
On this basis, the show
immediately sold out
for all 68 performances.
(laughter)
Take it away, Goldie.
(drumroll)
- Hi, and now
peeping into the future,
here's that peeping Tom himself.
Uh, Dan Rowan.
(giggles) Oh, Dan.
- Goldie, your facts
may be impeachable,
but your enunciation
is impeccable.
- (gasps) Naughty boy,
you've been peeping again.
(laughter)
- California, 1989,
20 years from now.
The Queen Mary, aging
Long Beach attraction,
was removed this
week and replaced
by the newer Queen Elizabeth.
When questioned about the move,
Queen Elizabeth had no comment.
Tulsa 1980, it'll
sneak up on ya.
Tulsa 1989, 20 years from now.
The competition
among the airlines
to introduce the largest
jetliner was won today
when CFG Airlines announced
they had finally succeeded
in putting wings on Oklahoma.
Hollywood 1989, since
decreeing 20 years ago
that no TV show could
win an Emmy twice,
the television academy
tonight gave all 83 of its Emmys
to the only show still eligible,
the Frank McGee News Report.
- Hello, our Laugh-In
News Report seldom
presents the classics,
but tonight is an exception,
as news of the past takes
you back to Shakespeare
and one of the greatest
love scenes ever written,
and shows you how
it really happened.
- Romeo, Romeo!
(laughter)
Wherefore art thou?
Romeo!
Romeo!
- What?
- Listen, darling,
I've been asking
everybody where you were.
(laughter)
- Science has given us
a new word, cryogenics.
This is the process of
quick-freezing living persons
to be revived at a future date.
When presumably the
world will be a better place.
So far the idea hasn't
caught the public fancy,
but ad agencies
are working on it.
Trust me.
- Men, our client has
effected a process.
It's a method of preserving
people indefinitely
in extreme colds.
This is a gigantic
operation, and it's up to us
to come up with an ad
campaign that's worthy of it.
You guys got anything yet?
Wacker?
- Well Chief, we're
trying to work up a spin-off
on better bodies with birds-eye.
- Oh Wacker, that
may be a little touchy.
How about you, Tevid?
- Well, we were
thinking of a group plan
called An Icicle
Built For Two, but...
- That's fabulous.
Fab, fab, fab,
how about it, boys?
I think that may be it.
- Ho-Ho-Hold it, chief,
forget the whole campaign.
The quick freezing
process is no good.
- [Chief] What?
- Some bakery just tried it
on a batch of breakfast rolls
and they all
shattered to little bits.
- Well, what's that
got to do with us?
- Well you think people are
gonna go for this gimmick
when there's a good
chance they're gonna
freeze their buns to pieces?
(laughter)
- And now for those of you
who just live for the sports news
here's the old face sporting
life himself, Allen Sues.
- Hi, sports
addicts, Big Al here,
dribbling in the old bull ring.
(bell rings)
Love that bell.
Featurette. (bell rings)
There's been a big hue and
cry about the lagging attendance
at the sulky races,
and I say why not?
If the horses wanna
sulk, don't let 'em race.
I mean, really guys,
who wants to watch
a bunch of grumpy ponies?
Get yourself some
smiley horsies,
and the world will beat a
path to your Perry Mutual.
Oh God. (laughter)
Ta-ta.
- Well that's the Laugh-In
News for tonight, folks,
and we certainly hope
it tickled your fancy.
- And if not, be sure to
stay tuned next week,
when we will have
twice as much news
for those of you with
extra large fancies.
(piano trill)
Once I had a secret love
- Gee, Jo Anne, you really
know how to keep a secret.
- You have to be
careful, darling,
or I'm going to
have to sit on you.
(laughter)
(groaning)
(humming)
(laughter)
(laughter)
- I was never so
insulted in my life.
I didn't come here
to be grabbed.
- Me neither.
- I did.
- I didn't know that.
- Davy, what's that?
- Oh that's a sundial.
- What's it for?
- Well it's an ancient
device used for telling time.
- Oh boy, what'll
they think of next?
- Goldie, you know something?
If I were a citizen, I'd
marry you in the morning.
- Well I'll be a Monkee's uncle.
(laughter)
- Funky.
- [Booming Voiceover]
Stranger Than Truth.
- Little Lenny Goldberg
of Alton, Kansas
was born a child prodigy.
At two years he
could read and write,
and at three had finished the
entire Encyclopedia Britannica
making corrections
as he went, of course.
And only last week
at the age of eight,
little Lenny was offered
a full professorship
in societal mechanistics
at Oxford University.
However, little Lenny was
forced to decline the appointment
on the grounds that the
clammy British climate
would be detrimental to
the health of his rubber duck.
(laughter)
- [Booming Voiceover] This
has been Stranger Than Truth.
(jaunty music)
(yelling)
- I'll teach you!
To your rooms!
- Mr. Holmes, I'd say this man
was shot at 12
noon, Greenwich time.
- Hm, just think, if he'd
been shot in California,
he'd still have an hour to live.
- How do you feel after
six months of solitary?
- Had absolutely
no effect on me.
Just lucky I had
that horse to talk to,
or I'd have been going crazy.
- Go to your room.
- Oh Chelsea, will you
help me with this bill?
I'm terrible at arithmetic.
- Oh Goldie, what
kind of bunny are you
if you can't even multiply?
(laughter)
- See the new
musical hits of the year,
a huge smash with
knockout performances.
See the biting satire of
Jimmy Brown and Doris Day
in The Marquis de
Sade Sings Again,
and here they are, folk.
(laughter)
(muttering)
- Did you know I'm under
the spell of your charms?
(laughter)
Did you know I'm
insane about you?
Did you know I'm
in excruciating pain?
(laughter)
- It's time now for the flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.
- Who gets the little
goodie this week?
- The voters of the city
of Youngstown, Ohio.
- The whole city?
- The whole city.
- What'd they do,
elect Mayor Daly?
- No, no, the... (laughter)
Youngstown, no, see for
the sixth time in two years,
the voters of
Youngstown voted down
an increase in school taxes.
- So? A lot of cities do that.
- Yeah, but in Youngstown, they
don't even have enough money
to keep the schools
open that they have now.
They sent 28,000 students
home at Thanksgiving,
couldn't afford to open the
schools again until January 2nd.
- Thrifty, eh?
- Oh yeah, and they won't
even buy the kids new textbooks.
- Still using
antiquated textbooks?
- Well, the kids in Youngstown
can open their schoolbooks
and read that someday,
we'll be able to freeze food,
and maybe someday, soon, we
can put a man into outer space.
- Gadzooks!
Youngstown really keeps up, huh?
- Oh yeah.
- Whaddya say
we give it to 'em.
- I'd say they've got it comin'.
- All right.
- Award up?
- Yeah, voters of Youngstown,
see the pretty statue.
Take the pretty statue,
and stick the pretty statue
in your pretty pencil box.
(laughter)
- And tune in next week, folks,
when the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award,
or the Nifty Knuckle
as it's known backstage,
goes to California
governor Ronald Reagan.
There's no reason right now,
but we're sure he'll come
up with one by next week.
(laughter)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Artie Johnson,
with the call of the sassy,
turquoise, puce-winged screamer.
(distressed squawking)
- Well, what do you
know, what a lovely bird.
- Oh, that's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(laughter)
(train whistle)
- We'll be in London in an hour.
- Scuse me, I don't
wish to interfere
with your concentration but
is that not Kafka's new book?
What do you think of it?
- I think it's ridiculous.
The whole thing
depends on coincidence,
and life isn't really
like that at all.
I remember when
I was a small child
in Johannesburg, South Africa.
- Johannesburg, South Africa?
- Yes?
- A little white house
at the edge of a jungle?
- Yes, that's right.
- You wandered off when
you were five years old,
and got lost?
- Yes I did!
- Oh, my son!
- Mother!
Oh, Mother!
- Oh, your father
went to search for you.
That was the last
I ever saw of him.
Oh, poor Timothy, I
wonder what happened.
- I was finally captured
by a tribe of hungry natives,
they almost sauteed
me, when the chief,
who somehow spoke
English, took pity on me,
and helped me to escape.
- It was nothing.
Anyone in my position would
have done the same thing.
Good thing I spoke English,
thanks to a missionary I met.
- I did a good job, you
haven't forgotten a word.
- Oh joy, we're
all together at last.
Oh what a happy day this
is for the Losfogel family.
- Losfogel?
But my name's Wasserman.
- Baumgarten here.
- The one I saved had red hair.
- I worked in North Africa.
- Sorry, my mistake.
- Quick, Holmes,
give me the mirror.
- Eh, what do you think, Watson?
- It's amazing,
Holmes, no cavities.
Must be depressed.
- Can't stand it.
Tough guards, hard
work, lousy food!
- Don't worry, after you're out,
you'll only remember
the good times.
- Go to your room.
- I'm in my room.
- Oh.
- I'm chilly, Goldie.
- Well no wonder, silly,
you forgot your eyelashes.
- Gunsmoke just ended, and
Matt Dillon is alive and well.
- Stuff.
(comical music)
- The Rhino, by Henry Gibson.
Some people say
that the rhino's a drunk
Other people say
he turns on with junk
But me I think
that's a lot of funk
The rhino is a wine-o
Oh rhino Oh rhino
Don't take much to
turn you on Oh rhino
Oh rhino Just some
cabernet sauvignon
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
But here comes that
dingaling network again.
Poo, poo, poo.
Very interesting, but if
you thought that was dumb,
wait til you see this
next commercial.
- Hello, David.
- Hello?
- Could you tell me how
they vote in a nudist colony?
- By a show of hands?
- Wasn't it
Dr. Christian Bernard
who said the way
to a man's heart
is through his next of kin?
- Goldie, did you know that
Christopher
Columbus died in jail?
- No, I haven't read
a newspaper all week.
(laughter)
- Hey, Davy?
- What?
- What does alien mean?
- Oh, I dunno, it
sounds foreign to me.
Is that another chicken joke?
(laughter)
- Hey Goldie, what
does evaporate mean?
- Evaporate means
will you dry up?
- Hey, Jo Anne, what
does coincidence mean?
- Oh, funny, I was
gonna ask the same thing.
- If you were marooned
on a desert island
and could only take one
thing, what would it be?
- I think it'd be a motorboat.
- Oh c'mon, Alan, you know
it would be a rubber duck.
- I am sending my wife
to Alaska on vacation.
- Well, won't the climate
disagree with her?
- It wouldn't dare.
- If Ida Ray Hutton
married Jim Hutton
and bought a
motorcycle, she would be
Ida Ray Hutton-Hutton hun hun
(imitates a motorcycle revving)
(laughter)
- Hello, hello, hello,
is she gone yet?
Is she gone?
- Yeah I think so.
- Last night the Burbank
Symphony played Beethoven.
- How'd it go?
- Well, Beethoven was
12, Burbank was nothing.
(overlapping vocalizations)
(comical music)
(laughter)
(singing)
- Strike!
(laughter)
Ah, you devil, you!
Thought you had me!
(bowling pins crashing)
- I say, Holmes,
what makes you think
it's a crime of passion?
- Well, the suspect and I
just re-enacted the crime.
- Oh, good news, dear,
I'm not going to the chair.
- Good news?
After I borrowed on your
insurance to buy these clothes?
- Maybe time to change.
- I'm working the
penthouse room.
- Mm, I'm working
the living room.
- Aw, I'm workin'
the boiler room.
- If Forrest Tucker formed a
company with Loren Greene,
they'd call it Forrest-Loren.
- If Edith Head
married John Pain,
and they had quintuplets,
that'd be an awful lot
of Head-Pains around that house.
- If Shirley Jones
married Davy Jones
but still dated Dean Jones,
Jack Jones, and Parnelli Jones,
she'd be a busy bird.
(distressed squawking)
Artie, go to your cage.
- I noticed a lot of activity
in your dressing room.
- I'm having a little
beauty contest.
- You're having a beauty
contest in your dressing room?
- Yeah, I'm trying to
pick Miss November
for Playboy magazine.
- Miss November?
It's just February.
- Picky, picky, picky.
- But I suppose it
does take time, though,
to find a girl with beauty,
talent, poise, charm?
- Well, no, it's
kind of hard to find
a girl who can
fold in three places
who doesn't mind having
a staple in her bippy.
(laughter)
- Is HH going to drop by?
- HH? Hubert Humphrey?
What would he do with November?
- No, not Hubert
Humphrey, HH, Playboy.
- Oh, Howard Hughes?
Oh he could buy November.
- I'm talking about Hugh Hefner,
doesn't he make
the final choice?
- What he does in his spare
time is no concern of mine.
- No, no, no.
Let me see if I got this right.
You have 30 beautiful
girls in your dressing room?
Voluptuous, buxom - - Zoftic.
- Zoftic girls, and you
have to select one.
How do you choose?
- Oh, hit and miss.
- Hit and miss?
- Yeah, I hit on
one, if she gives me
the wrong answer, she misses.
(laughter)
- Dick, go to your room.
- The heck with that,
I'm going to my room.
- That's a better idea,
speaking of potpourri,
here is Potpourri.
- Did you hear the news?
The emperor Julius's
wife just had a baby.
- (gasps) Caesarian?
- Well, I certainly hope so.
(laughter)
- Miss!
Carrot?
- That's Carez.
- Miss Carez, you're
taking too much time
with your coffee break.
I can't allow any
of my employees
to take that much
time on coffee breaks.
I'm replacing you with
a computer, you're fired.
Coffee breaks, hmph.
Hey, hey what's wrong
with this computer?
- This computer?
- Yes.
- Oh this computer won't
work unless you put coffee in it.
(laughter)
- Oh, remember folks,
tickets are still available
for the Folsom Prison's
annual all-convicts revue.
Bars and stripes
forever, costarring 87564
and 45182, and introducing
that exciting new discovery,
84531, it'll kill ya.
(laughter)
- Oh boy am I tired.
I just spent the whole
day at a demonstration.
Clubbing students,
gassing protestors,
dragging peaceniks off to jail.
Of course, it isn't all fun.
- I dunno why they're
discontinuing the passenger train.
Oh I know planes
get you there faster,
but who do you see
through the windows?
Plane brakes don't screech,
they don't have whistles.
And nobody punches your ticket.
If saving time's
your only problem,
why not have flying trains?
(laughter)
- Mr. President, the
carpenter is here.
- Oh fine, send him right in.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How long would it take
you to cut through that wall
and make an office
for the vice president?
- Aw, just about
a couple of hours.
- Oh, really?
Spiro, how long would
it take you to move in?
An hour? Good, okay.
All right, fine, you go ahead
and get the office ready by 12
he'll move in from 12 to
one, you take a lunch break,
and then come back at 1:00
and seal the wall up again, okay?
(laughter)
- Okay, you got
10 minutes, lady.
- Aw thanks.
- Oh, gumdrop, you're gorgoeus.
- Oh you'll love it
when you get out, dear.
We have a new car.
- Oh that's great.
- What's a car?
- A car's a box, and
people ride around in it.
- Oh, and your
brother Benny called.
He bought himself
a color television.
- Oh, that's terrific.
- What's a television?
- Oh, it's a box and you see
real shows on
it in living color.
- And Eddie bought
the kids a Greek urn.
- What's a Greek urn?
- About a buck
and a half an hour.
- Now that I remember.
- The most asked
question this week,
is who is the
rug-layer in the world?
The answer is Mr. Bert
Schneider of Bangor, Michigan,
who laid the rugs of his
entire seven-room house
in 14 minutes and 23 seconds.
- In answer to the second-most
asked question of the week,
the strangest
disappearance on record
is the case of the missing wife,
and the seven
rooms of furniture,
as reported by Mr. Bert
Schneider of Bangor, Michigan.
Well, you said Mitch-igan too.
- Yeah, I know.
- It's really Mish-igan, right?
- Well, they say
Mish-igan, I don't know.
- We say Mitch-igan.
- Mitch-igan.
- You say what you want to say.
We will say
Mitch-igan, good night.
(applause)
- This week's
question was submitted
by the entire Danish
handball team,
and Rover, their pet gourd.
- Horse!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(laughter)
- Watson.
- Yeah?
- The murderer
was fond of flowers,
and liked German food.
- Now how did you
know that, Mr. Holmes?
- Well the police just found him
in a greenhouse
eating wienerschnitzel.
- Incredible, Mr. Holmes.
- Elementary, my dear Watson.
- Very interesting.
But he wienered when he should
have schnitzeled (stammers).
- Look at this,
manacles, chains.
I tell you it's criminal.
- You're right, nobody
wears bracelets with stripes.
Clash, clash, clash.
- You know when you're
angry, you're beautiful.
(laughter)
- Remember your
responsibilities as a bunny.
When you walk on that floor,
I want you to really wiggle it.
- Yes sir.
(laughter)
- Go to your room.
- Well, Dick, it's time for
our discovery of the week,
and we've got a real fun find.
We got a find.
- Good, another baggie, huh?
- No, that's biggie,
you dingaling.
- Biggie, you dingaling, huh?
I like that, what is it used in?
- Well, that's not
our discovery.
Our discovery is Red Dog Weber.
- Red Dog Weber is here?
- The very same.
- Oh, great!
Jumps through
hoops and everything?
(barks and pants)
- Oh, no, no, it's
not an animal act.
It's Red Dog Weber.
- Oh.
- World-Renowned
virtuoso of the boom bass.
- The boom bass?
You're putting me on!
We have a guy
here that is going to
actually play the boom bass?
- Yeah.
- What's a boom bass?
- I don't know but
you're gonna find out
if you watch and listen,
ladies and gentlemen,
Red Dog Weber.
(applause)
(jingling and clanking)
(applause)
- C'mon, Red Dog, I wanna
teach you some new tricks.
(laughter)
- Well, could you
hear that all right?
How'd you like it?
- (stammers) Eh?
- I said how'd you like it?
- Oh it's about the best boom
bass I ever heard in my life.
- Oh really, how
many have you heard?
- Just Red Dog, that's about it.
He's a lifetime
supply right there.
- Will you stop yellin' at me?
- I can't hear ya.
- It is truly written
that the lion
should lie down with the lamb.
But what then of
the dancing maiden,
and the traveling shah?
(laughter)
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
- Oh, what's this all about?
- Are you kidding, Judy?
Now you think your best friends
are not gonna give
you a bridal shower?
- But I'm not getting married.
- Oh Judy, don't be that silly.
You certainly are.
(thunder and hissing rain)
- Don't breathe a word, Dennis,
but something tells me
that it's sock-it-to-me time.
(bossa music)
- Your check, gentlemen.
- Oh thank you.
- Oh I'll get the check, Davy.
- Oh, no, Henry, it's my turn.
- No, Davy, you
got it last time.
- Henry, I invited you.
- It's my pleasure.
- Henry.
It's my turn.
(laughter)
- But I enjoy paying.
- Henry.
Let's not argue about this.
- Okay okay it's yours.
(laughter)
- Henry, you don't
happen to have 10 bucks
you could loan me, do ya?
See, I left my wallet, you know.
All this stuff.
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Holmes, she did it.
- Oh, but Mr. Holmes,
if I'm found guilty
of killing my husband,
well then you and I
will never be able to
see each other again.
Furstein?
What do you think?
- I think it's a clear
case of suicide, my dear.
(laughter)
- Hey, that looks like
a good pile of gravel.
- Oh darn, it's supposed
to be Mother And Child.
- Go to your room.
- I'm sorry, sir,
but rules are rules,
and we bunnies simply
cannot date customers.
- Well what kind of
a roommate are you?
- Bananas.
(fast-paced organ music)
- Three? Hahaha!
David, come here, I just
discovered something.
- Hey, who's the new bunny?
- See ya back at the hutch.
- Hey we've got a pretty
important week coming up, huh?
- Well, I guess so.
- You know what Thursday is.
- Yeah, thirsty's
when you need a drink.
- I didn't say thirsty,
Thursday, Thursday.
- Oh, the questions
are easy this week.
- Okay, what's Thursday?
- The middle of the week.
- No.
- It's not the
middle of the week?
- Well, yeah it is the
middle of the week.
- Ha ha, gotcha again!
- This Thursday
is that special day
we set aside for romance.
- Well every day is
ladies' day with me.
- I'm talking about
Valentine's Day.
- I'm talking about Audrey.
- Thursday is the day
when all-consuming flames
of passion and l'amour
devour us in acts of love.
- You know Audrey?
- Now, let's not start
with Audrey again.
I'm talking about
the kind of love
where a man puts a
woman on a pedestal.
- You got something
going I don't know about?
- You should send a Valentine
to all the women in your life.
You should send
a heart to Audrey.
- Oh, better than that.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- I send her a transplant.
- A transplant.
- When her heart beats for
me, her heart beats for me.
(laughter)
- Oh, sorry, and you should
send one to your mother.
- My mother?
- You love your mother,
don't you?
- Well not the same
way I love Audrey.
Thump thump thump thump.
- So friends - Thump.
- Moving right along.
- Thump thump.
- Let's move on to the wild
world of love and marriage.
- Thump.
("Wedding March")
First there's a church
With a nice little aisle
Here comes the bride
With her tight little smile
And a groom in a suit
That's a bit out of style
Well whaddya know
Hello love and marriage
Next comes the rice
And Mendelssohn too
Off in the car for
a short honeymoon
Then that horrible thought
That you married too soon
Let's give it a go
Hello love and marriage
Then you discover
his tics and his flaws
Then come the bills
and the mother-in-laws
You'd like to split but
you hang in because
Whaddya know Hello baby carriage
I'll have to live with
the joy and the pain
I'll try getting used to
the ball and the chain
And that sneaky
suspicion I'm going insane
Well on with the show
Hello love let's give it a go
Hello love well whaddya know
Hello love and marriage
Two little words and
your freedom is through
Your youth was gone
when you whispered I do
What is this change
that is happening to you?
Whaddya think?
Married wear and tearing
Footloose and carefree
are things of the past
They skip along and
your life goes so fast
And those sons of a gun
Said this cake wouldn't last
Well whaddya know
Hello love let's give it a go
Hello love there's
someone you know
Had an awful punch
Well hello, marriage
Hello love
(applause)
- If anyone here knows why
this couple should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
let him speak.
- Immediately!
(upbeat go-go music)
- Now, Chapter 41,
Book 13, of You Can't Win.
- Honey?
Do you love me
more now than you did
when we first got married?
- Of course I do,
infinitely more.
- Well if you hated me so much,
then how come you married me?
- No, no I didn't hate
you when I married you.
- Oh, but you hate me now,
and now you're
ready to cast me aside.
All right, you can
have your freedom.
- I don't really believe
in marriage, but,
oh the ceremony was
such a thrill for my wife,
and kids, and their lawyer.
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
- The last wedding I went
to, the minister asked,
"Who will give this bride away?"
and eight guys
raised their hands.
It was enough to
make you wanna cry.
I mean it.
- Now Chapter Six,
Book 33, of You Can't Win.
- Sweetikins, am I the only
girl you ever really loved?
- Huh?
- I said am I the only
girl you ever really loved.
- Now you know there's never
been anyone but you dear.
- Oh, well in other
words, you really mean
that you married me because
no one else would have you.
- Nah, there were
plenty of other girls.
- What? You animal!
You mean that after
you had your fill of all
of the other girls, you married
me as a last resort, huh?
Well I'm leaving,
that's it for you.
I'm taking my bird and leaving.
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
(phone rings)
- Girls' dorm, Room 14.
Who?
Wait a minute, I'll check.
- Hm?
- Are you the dean of men?
- No, I'm the coach.
- He isn't here.
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
- Now Chapter 19, Book
64, of You Can't Win.
- Who's that floozy you
practically lived with in New York?
Was it Gertrude?
- I didn't practically
live with her.
I mean, she wasn't a floozy,
and her name was Irma.
- Irma? Who's Irma?
How many seedy backstreet
affairs have you had, anyway?
- Just you.
- What?
- I mean, what
I'm trying to say,
is there was only one other
floozy, woman, in my life,
and her name
happened to be Irma.
- If you're going
to keep bringing up
your sordid past, I'm leaving.
- I don't know, I'm not even
supposed to be up this late.
(laughter)
- In order to achieve
successful marriage,
you must have mutual trust.
And mutual funds, hahaha!
Lots, lots.
(upbeat go-go music)
- And do you, Susan
Silver, take this man
to be your
lawful-wedded husband,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health?
- Uh, I think I'll take
better, healthy, and richer.
- One out of three
marriages wind up in divorce.
Now come on, you other
2/3, you're not doing your part.
(laughter)
- Hash.
- Well, I think it's time
to say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- I used to know all that stuff.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Go to your room.
- You're right.
- Next week, we
have a show, that's -
- Dan!
Soon as the sound man in
the booth gets his head back,
headset on, I'd like to tell
you what my aunt once told me.
- Yeah, what did
she once told you?
- Well, that can't be right.
- [Dan] Well I
heard it some place.
- She was trapped
in the Mammoth Cave
for three weeks
with 200 horned owls.
- Wow, we sneaked
past that one, go ahead.
- Would you, would you,
would you be at all interested
in hearing what she
said when she came out?
She was trapped for 14 days.
- [Dan] In a Mammoth
Cave with horned toads.
- Yes, no, owls.
- Oh, owls.
- Dummy, she came out, she
said blow in my ear all you want,
I just don't give a hoot.
Did you hear that?
- It's a good thing
they weren't toads.
- Hoot, hoot!
- Good night everybody.
Hope you had a good time.
- This show makes a lot of
people happy on Monday night,
at 9:00 when it's over.
- Hello, hello,
hello, my sister.
My sister-in-law's
a kleptomaniac.
Whenever she leaves, I feel
something's
missing out of my life.
- Go to your room.
- Hello, hello, hello, and
take your rubber duck.
- Rubber duck, how
about a Walnetto?
Oh boy!
- Oh, hey Dick, what do you get
if you cross a parrot
with a politician?
- A bird that speaks out
of both sides of its beak.
- Wrong.
- Thought you'd never last.
- The only thing
wrong about divorce
is you have to (mumbles).
- A chrys, a chrys, a...
A chrysanthemum
by any other name
would be much
easier to pronounce.
- I'm on a fun diet.
- Oh, J.J., that doesn't
sound like much fun.
What do you eat?
- Bourbon omelets.
- Bourbon omelets, of course.
- Oh, Dan!
- [Dan] Yeah, Goldie?
- What is a perennial mean?
- You ask me that every year.
(laughter)
- Dick?
- Yes, Judy?
- I can't get me
door open, hold on.
- Let me give you a hand.
- That's it, then.
Listen, parties,
parties, parties.
I'm about to run out of dresses.
- Well, could I interest
you in running a little faster?
- Well just furious!
I just found out
that Boris is married,
and well, I was so furious, I
almost broke our engagement.
Do you understand
what I'm talking about?
Ha ha ha, they're so
handsome but they're dumb.
- Chelsea?
- Yes, Dave?
- Do you still like to
play with paper dolls?
- No, I cut them out long ago.
- Now she cuts out rubber
ducks, this is exhausting.
- One thing about
hardcore pornography,
it still comes in plain
soft brown wrappers.
- Ruth?
- Yes?
- What do you prefer most in
a man, wealth or appearances?
- Appearance, and
the sooner the better.
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- Dick, do you know what?
I never miss Peyton Place.
I never watch it,
and I never miss it.
- Oh, that Hedy Youngman.
- I got my wife a
new beauty soap
that makes rough,
wrinkled skin disappear.
Now I can't find her anywhere.
- I just saw a giant
sausage 50 feet long.
- Boy that sounds like
a lot of baloney to me.
- When I die, I wanna give
my eyes to Richard Burton.
- Why is that, Davy?
- Well, you know,
it'll give me a chance
to look at something
worthwhile for a change.
- I told you before,
go to your room!
- And take all
your rubber ducks,
do you know what I'm saying?
- Rubber ducks?
(overlapping yelling)
(fast-paced organ music)
- C'mon, little short
Henry, it's perfect for you.
C'mon honey.
- Joe and I are
workin' on a tunnel.
You wanna help?
- You go ahead, I think
I'll make a sand castle.
- I'm really awfully sorry
you're leaving us, Bunny Judy.
Gonna be very
difficult to find someone
who can fill your shoes.
- Bet your sweet bunny.
(laughter)
- This program was pre-recorded
so that our cast
could take advantage
of double-stamp night at the
Jose Greco School of Flamenco.
- Very interesting.
And that Davy Jones,
what a cute little Monkee.
And good night,
Lucy, oh, and Lucy.
Tell Gary to go to his
room, and take along
his rubber duck and a Walnetto.
(laughter)
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
What you have just seen
is the beloved NBC bird,
known to us all as the peacock.
Why they didn't select our
friendly fuschia-feathered
English farthingale, the queen
and I will never understand.
Judy won't be
too pleased either.
Ta-da!
(bright chimes)
- That's not funny.
- You know, Miss
Raskin, it is the policy
of our airlines not to hire
married stewardesses,
so I must ask for
your resignation.
- Oh, well Mr. Pfeiffer,
I'm not married.
(laughter)
- Oh, wonderful,
well in that case then,
we're both on the Flight
17 to San Francisco.
(laughter)
- Captain Columbus,
Captain Columbus!
This is America all right,
but it looks like Leif Erikson
got here first.
- How can you tell?
- Well, there's Danish
beer cans all over the beach.
(laughter) (jaunty music)
- Big Al, one place where
there isn't enough integration
is in sports.
- Are you kidding?
What about baseball,
football, track?
- Yeah, but name me
one Negro polo player.
- A message to my people.
Things are getting better.
Isn't it too bad
this show isn't?
(laughter) (jaunty music)
- Speak up, young lady.
- So help me, Mr. Holmes,
I had nothing to do with it.
- Hm, we can't take any chances.
I'll have to dust
you for fingerprints.
See, take a while for once.
(laughter)
Come along, young lady.
- Peaches?
- Yeah?
- I have a feeling I'm gonna
be in here for a long time.
- Oh, why do you say that?
- This morning they gave me
a suit with two pairs of pants.
- Goldie, you've been a
bunny for over two months now.
Isn't it time you got
over your shyness?
- And now from
the transplant ward
of the Burbank
Lonely Hearts Club,
NBC lovingly presents,
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Or is it laughingly presents
Rowan & Martin's Love-In?
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest star Davy
Jones, and Judy Carne,
Artie Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley,
with Chelsea Brown,
J.J. Barry,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgo as the friendly drab.
But first, a word from
our alternate spinster.
- My boyfriend Harry
used to weigh 287 pounds,
but after only two
short weeks of taking
nothing but Fats Off, his
weight was down to 153 pounds,
including the casket.
- That's funny,
oh, that's funny.
- Yes it is.
(laughter)
- And now for the twinkling
toes and titillating tonsils
of that tantalizing twosome,
the darling Dan Rowan,
and the dreaded Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Well.
- Sounds like thunder,
doesn't it?
- Yes it just, overwhelming.
I always feel like
doing it over again.
You wanna do it over again?
Hey, I tried to
call you yesterday.
- That's funny, I
was out all day.
- Oh, you were out all day.
- Yeah, I was with Uncle Marley.
- I don't believe I know
your Uncle Marley.
He's not your, that's
not your invisible uncle.
- No, that's Uncle Willard.
- Uncle Willard, okay,
what does Uncle Marley do?
- He trains birds.
- He's a bird trainer.
- That's funny, so
is my Uncle Marley.
- No.
(laughter)
Is there a lot of
call for bird training?
- Yeah, let's say you
got a homing pigeon
that you're very fond of.
- I've got a homing
pigeon I'm very fond of.
- Say, you just said that.
(laughter)
Well for one reason or another,
say you have to move, right?
- All right, and
he trains 'em to fly
to the new house, right?
- No, he talks
'em out of moving.
See, now Morley is the
friend of the bird, you see.
And it was Uncle Morley
who erected the statue
of the unknown
pigeon in Central Park.
- Didn't know there
was any such statue.
- Oh yeah, generals come
from miles around, just to -
- I don't wanna hear about it.
(laughter)
It was a good idea though, yeah.
- You think that's something,
Morley has a myna bird
that can recite the entire
works of Truman Capote.
Isn't that a thrill?
- Boy, is it, but it
probably doesn't
leave him much time for flying.
- Oh gosh no, he's straight.
- Listen, uh, I certainly would
be proud to meet this uncle.
Morley, Marley?
- Marley.
- Marley, up yours.
- Well, you can't
do that, you see,
he just walked
south for the winter.
- He walked south
for the winter.
- Told you he
couldn't fly, didn't I?
- Why don't you and I
walk south to a party?
- Why don't we fly?
- Okay.
You wanna fly to
the party with us?
(applause)
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
- My crowd can't decide
what to take this semester.
But we've narrowed
it down to either
the administration
building or the library.
(laughter)
- When I was a little girl, in
my neighborhood we used
to play a game called What Do
You Wanna Be If You Grow Up?
(laughter)
- If Washington is your
seat of government,
what do you call the
politicians who work there?
(laughter)
- Statistics show that the
majority of home fatalities
occur in the bathtub,
Dad says that explains
the low death rate
among hippies.
Oh Dad's a lot of
fun, hubba hubba.
- I believe in the
practice of sexual fidelity.
(smacks)
- Mm, race you to
the practice room.
- When I was a little
girl, my mother and father
entered me in a
beauty baby contest.
That was the last
I ever saw of them.
- Hey, the poor people
are afraid of the cops,
let 'em do like I do
and hire a bodyguard.
- The Warsaw Practice
come up with new way
for to getting to moon, they
are making 40 million Poles
stand on each other's shoulders.
- My new congressman has
a perfect attendance record.
He hasn't missed a single
Washington cocktail party.
So far.
(laughter)
- Hey Goldie?
- Hm?
- If the teachers are on strike
and the students are on strike,
what do they do
with our school taxes?
- Well I think they give
'em to the kids on welfare
so they can, um, finish school.
Because they never did.
(laughter)
- You know more Americans
have been killed on the highways
than all the wars combined?
Maybe we should bring our
soldiers home from Vietnam
and send our drivers over there.
(laughter)
- Hey, let's make a deal.
If the parents will stop
trying to become teenagers,
the teenagers will try to
stop becoming parents.
- Yeah, that's a fantastic
idea, young man.
- You see, Jo Anne,
today in America,
sex is the great driving force.
- Oh sure, and you know it's
much better when you're parked.
(laughter)
- That the church is
against cruelty to animals
has nothing to
do with those of us
trying to kill the
latest papal bull.
(applause)
- This is your offstage
announcer reminding you
that top-secret scientists are
working on a hydrogen bomb
with a silencer on
it in case we have
to attack an enemy library.
- Hello, hello, hello, and
now heave two while Laugh-In
fires the news across your bow.
And if you can't heave
two, at least heave one.
- All right, love.
(laughter)
- Oh that's cute,
that's very cute.
- Isn't that funny?
- Cute, you really
socked it to me.
(laughter)
- That's not funny, Davy.
- Oh that's funny,
funny, you bet
your sweet bucket it's funny.
(laughter)
(upbeat gospel music) (applause)
What's the news
Across the nation
We have got information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love To
give you our news
La-Di-Da, stop Ladies and gents
Laugh-In folks at the news
Here's Dan
(applause)
- And now for the
news of the present,
because the man doing the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
(applause)
- And now for the
news of the present.
London, it was learned today
that the new record album
which showed Beatle John
Lennon and his girlfriend Yoko
completely nude had
sold over two million copies
before anyone noticed
the striking resemblance.
Dateline Hollywood,
French international pictures,
announced today that
they will do a remake
of the Adam and Eve
story starring Raquel Welch.
The movie will be called
How D'Ya Like Them Apples.
(laughter)
And in Las Vegas, Elizabeth
Taylor and Richard Burton
signed to perform
at the Sands Hotel.
When asked what their
nightclub act would consist of,
the Burtons replied, they
will just step out on stage
and do their thing.
(laughter)
On this basis, the show
immediately sold out
for all 68 performances.
(laughter)
Take it away, Goldie.
(drumroll)
- Hi, and now
peeping into the future,
here's that peeping Tom himself.
Uh, Dan Rowan.
(giggles) Oh, Dan.
- Goldie, your facts
may be impeachable,
but your enunciation
is impeccable.
- (gasps) Naughty boy,
you've been peeping again.
(laughter)
- California, 1989,
20 years from now.
The Queen Mary, aging
Long Beach attraction,
was removed this
week and replaced
by the newer Queen Elizabeth.
When questioned about the move,
Queen Elizabeth had no comment.
Tulsa 1980, it'll
sneak up on ya.
Tulsa 1989, 20 years from now.
The competition
among the airlines
to introduce the largest
jetliner was won today
when CFG Airlines announced
they had finally succeeded
in putting wings on Oklahoma.
Hollywood 1989, since
decreeing 20 years ago
that no TV show could
win an Emmy twice,
the television academy
tonight gave all 83 of its Emmys
to the only show still eligible,
the Frank McGee News Report.
- Hello, our Laugh-In
News Report seldom
presents the classics,
but tonight is an exception,
as news of the past takes
you back to Shakespeare
and one of the greatest
love scenes ever written,
and shows you how
it really happened.
- Romeo, Romeo!
(laughter)
Wherefore art thou?
Romeo!
Romeo!
- What?
- Listen, darling,
I've been asking
everybody where you were.
(laughter)
- Science has given us
a new word, cryogenics.
This is the process of
quick-freezing living persons
to be revived at a future date.
When presumably the
world will be a better place.
So far the idea hasn't
caught the public fancy,
but ad agencies
are working on it.
Trust me.
- Men, our client has
effected a process.
It's a method of preserving
people indefinitely
in extreme colds.
This is a gigantic
operation, and it's up to us
to come up with an ad
campaign that's worthy of it.
You guys got anything yet?
Wacker?
- Well Chief, we're
trying to work up a spin-off
on better bodies with birds-eye.
- Oh Wacker, that
may be a little touchy.
How about you, Tevid?
- Well, we were
thinking of a group plan
called An Icicle
Built For Two, but...
- That's fabulous.
Fab, fab, fab,
how about it, boys?
I think that may be it.
- Ho-Ho-Hold it, chief,
forget the whole campaign.
The quick freezing
process is no good.
- [Chief] What?
- Some bakery just tried it
on a batch of breakfast rolls
and they all
shattered to little bits.
- Well, what's that
got to do with us?
- Well you think people are
gonna go for this gimmick
when there's a good
chance they're gonna
freeze their buns to pieces?
(laughter)
- And now for those of you
who just live for the sports news
here's the old face sporting
life himself, Allen Sues.
- Hi, sports
addicts, Big Al here,
dribbling in the old bull ring.
(bell rings)
Love that bell.
Featurette. (bell rings)
There's been a big hue and
cry about the lagging attendance
at the sulky races,
and I say why not?
If the horses wanna
sulk, don't let 'em race.
I mean, really guys,
who wants to watch
a bunch of grumpy ponies?
Get yourself some
smiley horsies,
and the world will beat a
path to your Perry Mutual.
Oh God. (laughter)
Ta-ta.
- Well that's the Laugh-In
News for tonight, folks,
and we certainly hope
it tickled your fancy.
- And if not, be sure to
stay tuned next week,
when we will have
twice as much news
for those of you with
extra large fancies.
(piano trill)
Once I had a secret love
- Gee, Jo Anne, you really
know how to keep a secret.
- You have to be
careful, darling,
or I'm going to
have to sit on you.
(laughter)
(groaning)
(humming)
(laughter)
(laughter)
- I was never so
insulted in my life.
I didn't come here
to be grabbed.
- Me neither.
- I did.
- I didn't know that.
- Davy, what's that?
- Oh that's a sundial.
- What's it for?
- Well it's an ancient
device used for telling time.
- Oh boy, what'll
they think of next?
- Goldie, you know something?
If I were a citizen, I'd
marry you in the morning.
- Well I'll be a Monkee's uncle.
(laughter)
- Funky.
- [Booming Voiceover]
Stranger Than Truth.
- Little Lenny Goldberg
of Alton, Kansas
was born a child prodigy.
At two years he
could read and write,
and at three had finished the
entire Encyclopedia Britannica
making corrections
as he went, of course.
And only last week
at the age of eight,
little Lenny was offered
a full professorship
in societal mechanistics
at Oxford University.
However, little Lenny was
forced to decline the appointment
on the grounds that the
clammy British climate
would be detrimental to
the health of his rubber duck.
(laughter)
- [Booming Voiceover] This
has been Stranger Than Truth.
(jaunty music)
(yelling)
- I'll teach you!
To your rooms!
- Mr. Holmes, I'd say this man
was shot at 12
noon, Greenwich time.
- Hm, just think, if he'd
been shot in California,
he'd still have an hour to live.
- How do you feel after
six months of solitary?
- Had absolutely
no effect on me.
Just lucky I had
that horse to talk to,
or I'd have been going crazy.
- Go to your room.
- Oh Chelsea, will you
help me with this bill?
I'm terrible at arithmetic.
- Oh Goldie, what
kind of bunny are you
if you can't even multiply?
(laughter)
- See the new
musical hits of the year,
a huge smash with
knockout performances.
See the biting satire of
Jimmy Brown and Doris Day
in The Marquis de
Sade Sings Again,
and here they are, folk.
(laughter)
(muttering)
- Did you know I'm under
the spell of your charms?
(laughter)
Did you know I'm
insane about you?
Did you know I'm
in excruciating pain?
(laughter)
- It's time now for the flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.
- Who gets the little
goodie this week?
- The voters of the city
of Youngstown, Ohio.
- The whole city?
- The whole city.
- What'd they do,
elect Mayor Daly?
- No, no, the... (laughter)
Youngstown, no, see for
the sixth time in two years,
the voters of
Youngstown voted down
an increase in school taxes.
- So? A lot of cities do that.
- Yeah, but in Youngstown, they
don't even have enough money
to keep the schools
open that they have now.
They sent 28,000 students
home at Thanksgiving,
couldn't afford to open the
schools again until January 2nd.
- Thrifty, eh?
- Oh yeah, and they won't
even buy the kids new textbooks.
- Still using
antiquated textbooks?
- Well, the kids in Youngstown
can open their schoolbooks
and read that someday,
we'll be able to freeze food,
and maybe someday, soon, we
can put a man into outer space.
- Gadzooks!
Youngstown really keeps up, huh?
- Oh yeah.
- Whaddya say
we give it to 'em.
- I'd say they've got it comin'.
- All right.
- Award up?
- Yeah, voters of Youngstown,
see the pretty statue.
Take the pretty statue,
and stick the pretty statue
in your pretty pencil box.
(laughter)
- And tune in next week, folks,
when the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award,
or the Nifty Knuckle
as it's known backstage,
goes to California
governor Ronald Reagan.
There's no reason right now,
but we're sure he'll come
up with one by next week.
(laughter)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Artie Johnson,
with the call of the sassy,
turquoise, puce-winged screamer.
(distressed squawking)
- Well, what do you
know, what a lovely bird.
- Oh, that's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(laughter)
(train whistle)
- We'll be in London in an hour.
- Scuse me, I don't
wish to interfere
with your concentration but
is that not Kafka's new book?
What do you think of it?
- I think it's ridiculous.
The whole thing
depends on coincidence,
and life isn't really
like that at all.
I remember when
I was a small child
in Johannesburg, South Africa.
- Johannesburg, South Africa?
- Yes?
- A little white house
at the edge of a jungle?
- Yes, that's right.
- You wandered off when
you were five years old,
and got lost?
- Yes I did!
- Oh, my son!
- Mother!
Oh, Mother!
- Oh, your father
went to search for you.
That was the last
I ever saw of him.
Oh, poor Timothy, I
wonder what happened.
- I was finally captured
by a tribe of hungry natives,
they almost sauteed
me, when the chief,
who somehow spoke
English, took pity on me,
and helped me to escape.
- It was nothing.
Anyone in my position would
have done the same thing.
Good thing I spoke English,
thanks to a missionary I met.
- I did a good job, you
haven't forgotten a word.
- Oh joy, we're
all together at last.
Oh what a happy day this
is for the Losfogel family.
- Losfogel?
But my name's Wasserman.
- Baumgarten here.
- The one I saved had red hair.
- I worked in North Africa.
- Sorry, my mistake.
- Quick, Holmes,
give me the mirror.
- Eh, what do you think, Watson?
- It's amazing,
Holmes, no cavities.
Must be depressed.
- Can't stand it.
Tough guards, hard
work, lousy food!
- Don't worry, after you're out,
you'll only remember
the good times.
- Go to your room.
- I'm in my room.
- Oh.
- I'm chilly, Goldie.
- Well no wonder, silly,
you forgot your eyelashes.
- Gunsmoke just ended, and
Matt Dillon is alive and well.
- Stuff.
(comical music)
- The Rhino, by Henry Gibson.
Some people say
that the rhino's a drunk
Other people say
he turns on with junk
But me I think
that's a lot of funk
The rhino is a wine-o
Oh rhino Oh rhino
Don't take much to
turn you on Oh rhino
Oh rhino Just some
cabernet sauvignon
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
But here comes that
dingaling network again.
Poo, poo, poo.
Very interesting, but if
you thought that was dumb,
wait til you see this
next commercial.
- Hello, David.
- Hello?
- Could you tell me how
they vote in a nudist colony?
- By a show of hands?
- Wasn't it
Dr. Christian Bernard
who said the way
to a man's heart
is through his next of kin?
- Goldie, did you know that
Christopher
Columbus died in jail?
- No, I haven't read
a newspaper all week.
(laughter)
- Hey, Davy?
- What?
- What does alien mean?
- Oh, I dunno, it
sounds foreign to me.
Is that another chicken joke?
(laughter)
- Hey Goldie, what
does evaporate mean?
- Evaporate means
will you dry up?
- Hey, Jo Anne, what
does coincidence mean?
- Oh, funny, I was
gonna ask the same thing.
- If you were marooned
on a desert island
and could only take one
thing, what would it be?
- I think it'd be a motorboat.
- Oh c'mon, Alan, you know
it would be a rubber duck.
- I am sending my wife
to Alaska on vacation.
- Well, won't the climate
disagree with her?
- It wouldn't dare.
- If Ida Ray Hutton
married Jim Hutton
and bought a
motorcycle, she would be
Ida Ray Hutton-Hutton hun hun
(imitates a motorcycle revving)
(laughter)
- Hello, hello, hello,
is she gone yet?
Is she gone?
- Yeah I think so.
- Last night the Burbank
Symphony played Beethoven.
- How'd it go?
- Well, Beethoven was
12, Burbank was nothing.
(overlapping vocalizations)
(comical music)
(laughter)
(singing)
- Strike!
(laughter)
Ah, you devil, you!
Thought you had me!
(bowling pins crashing)
- I say, Holmes,
what makes you think
it's a crime of passion?
- Well, the suspect and I
just re-enacted the crime.
- Oh, good news, dear,
I'm not going to the chair.
- Good news?
After I borrowed on your
insurance to buy these clothes?
- Maybe time to change.
- I'm working the
penthouse room.
- Mm, I'm working
the living room.
- Aw, I'm workin'
the boiler room.
- If Forrest Tucker formed a
company with Loren Greene,
they'd call it Forrest-Loren.
- If Edith Head
married John Pain,
and they had quintuplets,
that'd be an awful lot
of Head-Pains around that house.
- If Shirley Jones
married Davy Jones
but still dated Dean Jones,
Jack Jones, and Parnelli Jones,
she'd be a busy bird.
(distressed squawking)
Artie, go to your cage.
- I noticed a lot of activity
in your dressing room.
- I'm having a little
beauty contest.
- You're having a beauty
contest in your dressing room?
- Yeah, I'm trying to
pick Miss November
for Playboy magazine.
- Miss November?
It's just February.
- Picky, picky, picky.
- But I suppose it
does take time, though,
to find a girl with beauty,
talent, poise, charm?
- Well, no, it's
kind of hard to find
a girl who can
fold in three places
who doesn't mind having
a staple in her bippy.
(laughter)
- Is HH going to drop by?
- HH? Hubert Humphrey?
What would he do with November?
- No, not Hubert
Humphrey, HH, Playboy.
- Oh, Howard Hughes?
Oh he could buy November.
- I'm talking about Hugh Hefner,
doesn't he make
the final choice?
- What he does in his spare
time is no concern of mine.
- No, no, no.
Let me see if I got this right.
You have 30 beautiful
girls in your dressing room?
Voluptuous, buxom - - Zoftic.
- Zoftic girls, and you
have to select one.
How do you choose?
- Oh, hit and miss.
- Hit and miss?
- Yeah, I hit on
one, if she gives me
the wrong answer, she misses.
(laughter)
- Dick, go to your room.
- The heck with that,
I'm going to my room.
- That's a better idea,
speaking of potpourri,
here is Potpourri.
- Did you hear the news?
The emperor Julius's
wife just had a baby.
- (gasps) Caesarian?
- Well, I certainly hope so.
(laughter)
- Miss!
Carrot?
- That's Carez.
- Miss Carez, you're
taking too much time
with your coffee break.
I can't allow any
of my employees
to take that much
time on coffee breaks.
I'm replacing you with
a computer, you're fired.
Coffee breaks, hmph.
Hey, hey what's wrong
with this computer?
- This computer?
- Yes.
- Oh this computer won't
work unless you put coffee in it.
(laughter)
- Oh, remember folks,
tickets are still available
for the Folsom Prison's
annual all-convicts revue.
Bars and stripes
forever, costarring 87564
and 45182, and introducing
that exciting new discovery,
84531, it'll kill ya.
(laughter)
- Oh boy am I tired.
I just spent the whole
day at a demonstration.
Clubbing students,
gassing protestors,
dragging peaceniks off to jail.
Of course, it isn't all fun.
- I dunno why they're
discontinuing the passenger train.
Oh I know planes
get you there faster,
but who do you see
through the windows?
Plane brakes don't screech,
they don't have whistles.
And nobody punches your ticket.
If saving time's
your only problem,
why not have flying trains?
(laughter)
- Mr. President, the
carpenter is here.
- Oh fine, send him right in.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How long would it take
you to cut through that wall
and make an office
for the vice president?
- Aw, just about
a couple of hours.
- Oh, really?
Spiro, how long would
it take you to move in?
An hour? Good, okay.
All right, fine, you go ahead
and get the office ready by 12
he'll move in from 12 to
one, you take a lunch break,
and then come back at 1:00
and seal the wall up again, okay?
(laughter)
- Okay, you got
10 minutes, lady.
- Aw thanks.
- Oh, gumdrop, you're gorgoeus.
- Oh you'll love it
when you get out, dear.
We have a new car.
- Oh that's great.
- What's a car?
- A car's a box, and
people ride around in it.
- Oh, and your
brother Benny called.
He bought himself
a color television.
- Oh, that's terrific.
- What's a television?
- Oh, it's a box and you see
real shows on
it in living color.
- And Eddie bought
the kids a Greek urn.
- What's a Greek urn?
- About a buck
and a half an hour.
- Now that I remember.
- The most asked
question this week,
is who is the
rug-layer in the world?
The answer is Mr. Bert
Schneider of Bangor, Michigan,
who laid the rugs of his
entire seven-room house
in 14 minutes and 23 seconds.
- In answer to the second-most
asked question of the week,
the strangest
disappearance on record
is the case of the missing wife,
and the seven
rooms of furniture,
as reported by Mr. Bert
Schneider of Bangor, Michigan.
Well, you said Mitch-igan too.
- Yeah, I know.
- It's really Mish-igan, right?
- Well, they say
Mish-igan, I don't know.
- We say Mitch-igan.
- Mitch-igan.
- You say what you want to say.
We will say
Mitch-igan, good night.
(applause)
- This week's
question was submitted
by the entire Danish
handball team,
and Rover, their pet gourd.
- Horse!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(laughter)
- Watson.
- Yeah?
- The murderer
was fond of flowers,
and liked German food.
- Now how did you
know that, Mr. Holmes?
- Well the police just found him
in a greenhouse
eating wienerschnitzel.
- Incredible, Mr. Holmes.
- Elementary, my dear Watson.
- Very interesting.
But he wienered when he should
have schnitzeled (stammers).
- Look at this,
manacles, chains.
I tell you it's criminal.
- You're right, nobody
wears bracelets with stripes.
Clash, clash, clash.
- You know when you're
angry, you're beautiful.
(laughter)
- Remember your
responsibilities as a bunny.
When you walk on that floor,
I want you to really wiggle it.
- Yes sir.
(laughter)
- Go to your room.
- Well, Dick, it's time for
our discovery of the week,
and we've got a real fun find.
We got a find.
- Good, another baggie, huh?
- No, that's biggie,
you dingaling.
- Biggie, you dingaling, huh?
I like that, what is it used in?
- Well, that's not
our discovery.
Our discovery is Red Dog Weber.
- Red Dog Weber is here?
- The very same.
- Oh, great!
Jumps through
hoops and everything?
(barks and pants)
- Oh, no, no, it's
not an animal act.
It's Red Dog Weber.
- Oh.
- World-Renowned
virtuoso of the boom bass.
- The boom bass?
You're putting me on!
We have a guy
here that is going to
actually play the boom bass?
- Yeah.
- What's a boom bass?
- I don't know but
you're gonna find out
if you watch and listen,
ladies and gentlemen,
Red Dog Weber.
(applause)
(jingling and clanking)
(applause)
- C'mon, Red Dog, I wanna
teach you some new tricks.
(laughter)
- Well, could you
hear that all right?
How'd you like it?
- (stammers) Eh?
- I said how'd you like it?
- Oh it's about the best boom
bass I ever heard in my life.
- Oh really, how
many have you heard?
- Just Red Dog, that's about it.
He's a lifetime
supply right there.
- Will you stop yellin' at me?
- I can't hear ya.
- It is truly written
that the lion
should lie down with the lamb.
But what then of
the dancing maiden,
and the traveling shah?
(laughter)
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
- Oh, what's this all about?
- Are you kidding, Judy?
Now you think your best friends
are not gonna give
you a bridal shower?
- But I'm not getting married.
- Oh Judy, don't be that silly.
You certainly are.
(thunder and hissing rain)
- Don't breathe a word, Dennis,
but something tells me
that it's sock-it-to-me time.
(bossa music)
- Your check, gentlemen.
- Oh thank you.
- Oh I'll get the check, Davy.
- Oh, no, Henry, it's my turn.
- No, Davy, you
got it last time.
- Henry, I invited you.
- It's my pleasure.
- Henry.
It's my turn.
(laughter)
- But I enjoy paying.
- Henry.
Let's not argue about this.
- Okay okay it's yours.
(laughter)
- Henry, you don't
happen to have 10 bucks
you could loan me, do ya?
See, I left my wallet, you know.
All this stuff.
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Holmes, she did it.
- Oh, but Mr. Holmes,
if I'm found guilty
of killing my husband,
well then you and I
will never be able to
see each other again.
Furstein?
What do you think?
- I think it's a clear
case of suicide, my dear.
(laughter)
- Hey, that looks like
a good pile of gravel.
- Oh darn, it's supposed
to be Mother And Child.
- Go to your room.
- I'm sorry, sir,
but rules are rules,
and we bunnies simply
cannot date customers.
- Well what kind of
a roommate are you?
- Bananas.
(fast-paced organ music)
- Three? Hahaha!
David, come here, I just
discovered something.
- Hey, who's the new bunny?
- See ya back at the hutch.
- Hey we've got a pretty
important week coming up, huh?
- Well, I guess so.
- You know what Thursday is.
- Yeah, thirsty's
when you need a drink.
- I didn't say thirsty,
Thursday, Thursday.
- Oh, the questions
are easy this week.
- Okay, what's Thursday?
- The middle of the week.
- No.
- It's not the
middle of the week?
- Well, yeah it is the
middle of the week.
- Ha ha, gotcha again!
- This Thursday
is that special day
we set aside for romance.
- Well every day is
ladies' day with me.
- I'm talking about
Valentine's Day.
- I'm talking about Audrey.
- Thursday is the day
when all-consuming flames
of passion and l'amour
devour us in acts of love.
- You know Audrey?
- Now, let's not start
with Audrey again.
I'm talking about
the kind of love
where a man puts a
woman on a pedestal.
- You got something
going I don't know about?
- You should send a Valentine
to all the women in your life.
You should send
a heart to Audrey.
- Oh, better than that.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- I send her a transplant.
- A transplant.
- When her heart beats for
me, her heart beats for me.
(laughter)
- Oh, sorry, and you should
send one to your mother.
- My mother?
- You love your mother,
don't you?
- Well not the same
way I love Audrey.
Thump thump thump thump.
- So friends - Thump.
- Moving right along.
- Thump thump.
- Let's move on to the wild
world of love and marriage.
- Thump.
("Wedding March")
First there's a church
With a nice little aisle
Here comes the bride
With her tight little smile
And a groom in a suit
That's a bit out of style
Well whaddya know
Hello love and marriage
Next comes the rice
And Mendelssohn too
Off in the car for
a short honeymoon
Then that horrible thought
That you married too soon
Let's give it a go
Hello love and marriage
Then you discover
his tics and his flaws
Then come the bills
and the mother-in-laws
You'd like to split but
you hang in because
Whaddya know Hello baby carriage
I'll have to live with
the joy and the pain
I'll try getting used to
the ball and the chain
And that sneaky
suspicion I'm going insane
Well on with the show
Hello love let's give it a go
Hello love well whaddya know
Hello love and marriage
Two little words and
your freedom is through
Your youth was gone
when you whispered I do
What is this change
that is happening to you?
Whaddya think?
Married wear and tearing
Footloose and carefree
are things of the past
They skip along and
your life goes so fast
And those sons of a gun
Said this cake wouldn't last
Well whaddya know
Hello love let's give it a go
Hello love there's
someone you know
Had an awful punch
Well hello, marriage
Hello love
(applause)
- If anyone here knows why
this couple should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
let him speak.
- Immediately!
(upbeat go-go music)
- Now, Chapter 41,
Book 13, of You Can't Win.
- Honey?
Do you love me
more now than you did
when we first got married?
- Of course I do,
infinitely more.
- Well if you hated me so much,
then how come you married me?
- No, no I didn't hate
you when I married you.
- Oh, but you hate me now,
and now you're
ready to cast me aside.
All right, you can
have your freedom.
- I don't really believe
in marriage, but,
oh the ceremony was
such a thrill for my wife,
and kids, and their lawyer.
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
- The last wedding I went
to, the minister asked,
"Who will give this bride away?"
and eight guys
raised their hands.
It was enough to
make you wanna cry.
I mean it.
- Now Chapter Six,
Book 33, of You Can't Win.
- Sweetikins, am I the only
girl you ever really loved?
- Huh?
- I said am I the only
girl you ever really loved.
- Now you know there's never
been anyone but you dear.
- Oh, well in other
words, you really mean
that you married me because
no one else would have you.
- Nah, there were
plenty of other girls.
- What? You animal!
You mean that after
you had your fill of all
of the other girls, you married
me as a last resort, huh?
Well I'm leaving,
that's it for you.
I'm taking my bird and leaving.
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
(phone rings)
- Girls' dorm, Room 14.
Who?
Wait a minute, I'll check.
- Hm?
- Are you the dean of men?
- No, I'm the coach.
- He isn't here.
(laughter)
(upbeat go-go music)
- Now Chapter 19, Book
64, of You Can't Win.
- Who's that floozy you
practically lived with in New York?
Was it Gertrude?
- I didn't practically
live with her.
I mean, she wasn't a floozy,
and her name was Irma.
- Irma? Who's Irma?
How many seedy backstreet
affairs have you had, anyway?
- Just you.
- What?
- I mean, what
I'm trying to say,
is there was only one other
floozy, woman, in my life,
and her name
happened to be Irma.
- If you're going
to keep bringing up
your sordid past, I'm leaving.
- I don't know, I'm not even
supposed to be up this late.
(laughter)
- In order to achieve
successful marriage,
you must have mutual trust.
And mutual funds, hahaha!
Lots, lots.
(upbeat go-go music)
- And do you, Susan
Silver, take this man
to be your
lawful-wedded husband,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health?
- Uh, I think I'll take
better, healthy, and richer.
- One out of three
marriages wind up in divorce.
Now come on, you other
2/3, you're not doing your part.
(laughter)
- Hash.
- Well, I think it's time
to say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- I used to know all that stuff.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Go to your room.
- You're right.
- Next week, we
have a show, that's -
- Dan!
Soon as the sound man in
the booth gets his head back,
headset on, I'd like to tell
you what my aunt once told me.
- Yeah, what did
she once told you?
- Well, that can't be right.
- [Dan] Well I
heard it some place.
- She was trapped
in the Mammoth Cave
for three weeks
with 200 horned owls.
- Wow, we sneaked
past that one, go ahead.
- Would you, would you,
would you be at all interested
in hearing what she
said when she came out?
She was trapped for 14 days.
- [Dan] In a Mammoth
Cave with horned toads.
- Yes, no, owls.
- Oh, owls.
- Dummy, she came out, she
said blow in my ear all you want,
I just don't give a hoot.
Did you hear that?
- It's a good thing
they weren't toads.
- Hoot, hoot!
- Good night everybody.
Hope you had a good time.
- This show makes a lot of
people happy on Monday night,
at 9:00 when it's over.
- Hello, hello,
hello, my sister.
My sister-in-law's
a kleptomaniac.
Whenever she leaves, I feel
something's
missing out of my life.
- Go to your room.
- Hello, hello, hello, and
take your rubber duck.
- Rubber duck, how
about a Walnetto?
Oh boy!
- Oh, hey Dick, what do you get
if you cross a parrot
with a politician?
- A bird that speaks out
of both sides of its beak.
- Wrong.
- Thought you'd never last.
- The only thing
wrong about divorce
is you have to (mumbles).
- A chrys, a chrys, a...
A chrysanthemum
by any other name
would be much
easier to pronounce.
- I'm on a fun diet.
- Oh, J.J., that doesn't
sound like much fun.
What do you eat?
- Bourbon omelets.
- Bourbon omelets, of course.
- Oh, Dan!
- [Dan] Yeah, Goldie?
- What is a perennial mean?
- You ask me that every year.
(laughter)
- Dick?
- Yes, Judy?
- I can't get me
door open, hold on.
- Let me give you a hand.
- That's it, then.
Listen, parties,
parties, parties.
I'm about to run out of dresses.
- Well, could I interest
you in running a little faster?
- Well just furious!
I just found out
that Boris is married,
and well, I was so furious, I
almost broke our engagement.
Do you understand
what I'm talking about?
Ha ha ha, they're so
handsome but they're dumb.
- Chelsea?
- Yes, Dave?
- Do you still like to
play with paper dolls?
- No, I cut them out long ago.
- Now she cuts out rubber
ducks, this is exhausting.
- One thing about
hardcore pornography,
it still comes in plain
soft brown wrappers.
- Ruth?
- Yes?
- What do you prefer most in
a man, wealth or appearances?
- Appearance, and
the sooner the better.
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- Dick, do you know what?
I never miss Peyton Place.
I never watch it,
and I never miss it.
- Oh, that Hedy Youngman.
- I got my wife a
new beauty soap
that makes rough,
wrinkled skin disappear.
Now I can't find her anywhere.
- I just saw a giant
sausage 50 feet long.
- Boy that sounds like
a lot of baloney to me.
- When I die, I wanna give
my eyes to Richard Burton.
- Why is that, Davy?
- Well, you know,
it'll give me a chance
to look at something
worthwhile for a change.
- I told you before,
go to your room!
- And take all
your rubber ducks,
do you know what I'm saying?
- Rubber ducks?
(overlapping yelling)
(fast-paced organ music)
- C'mon, little short
Henry, it's perfect for you.
C'mon honey.
- Joe and I are
workin' on a tunnel.
You wanna help?
- You go ahead, I think
I'll make a sand castle.
- I'm really awfully sorry
you're leaving us, Bunny Judy.
Gonna be very
difficult to find someone
who can fill your shoes.
- Bet your sweet bunny.
(laughter)
- This program was pre-recorded
so that our cast
could take advantage
of double-stamp night at the
Jose Greco School of Flamenco.
- Very interesting.
And that Davy Jones,
what a cute little Monkee.
And good night,
Lucy, oh, and Lucy.
Tell Gary to go to his
room, and take along
his rubber duck and a Walnetto.
(laughter)
(clapping)