Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 14 - Episode #2.14 - full transcript

Sketches include Hula girl news, Coach Peter Falk, Peter in 'Poor Rich People', Fickle finger of fate goes to the drug industry of America, Peter as the lone ranger, Valet bits with Goldie,...

(whimsical orchestral music)

- [Announcer] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

(whimsical orchestral music)

- Kemo Sabe.

- Yes.

- How come you ride white
horse and I ride dark horse?

- Now don't start
trouble, Tonto,

it's bad enough I have to
hang around with an Indian.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hi, Judy.



- Hey, Goldie.

- Yeah?

- Have you met Gary Moore?

- Oh!

(Lily laughs)

Are you John or Lionel Garymore?

(audience laughs)

Which one?

- Bye, Gary.

- Bye, Judy.

- Ah, as the harem
guru once said,

awaiting her call of the
sha one of out 12 is not bad.

(audience laughs)

(soft piano music)



I'm gonna love you
like nobody's loved you

Come rain or come
shine (audience laughs)

- Want some water?

- Yeah, give me some water.

(shots firing)

- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.

(audience laughs)

- Now, sports fan,
here's an instant replay.

(whimsical orchestral music)

(loud thudding)
- Whiskey.

(loud thudding)
- Whiskey.

(loud thudding)
- I'll have a fruit punch.

(audience laughs)

- And now from the Freckle
Ward of the Doris Day

Memorial Home for the
Incurably Wholesome,

NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In

starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

(audience applauds)

With guest star, Peter
Falk, and Judy Carne,

Arte Johnson with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Dave Madden,

Alan Sues, Sweet
Brother Dick Whittington,

Jo Anne Worley and Pigmeat
Markham, Chelsea Brown.

(whimsical orchestral music)

Yours truly, Gary Owens, and
Morgul as the Friendly Drelb.

(audience laughs)

(buzzing)

- NBC, beautiful
Downtown Burbank.

Oh, thank you, madam.

Yes, tonight sure did seem
to go by awfully fast, didn't it?

(audience laughs)
Thank you for watching.

You be sure to
tune in next week.

Goodnight. (audience laughs)

- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, here they
come again, the big kids.

(upbeat orchestral
music) (audience applauds)

- Good evening, everybody.

Hey, I've been meaning to ask ya

how your flying
lesson's coming along.

- Well they have
their ups and down.

- Oh. (audience laughs)

- It's like an
elevator. (laughs)

- You really have a
way with words, boy.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Little old phrase maker.

- Yeah, little old
phrase maker me.

(both laughing)

- What kind of flying
school you going to?

- Well I go to the Kieth
Brussel School of Flying.

(audience laughs)

- Well if you're any
kind of an example,

Mr. Brussel turns
out some lousy pilots.

- Always did.

(audience laughs)

- What, oh.

What kind of plane
are you flying?

- A 707.

- Ah, you don't even know enough

about a 707 to get
it off the ground.

- You're supposed to
get it off the ground?

(audience laughs)

- Alright, let's say you have

to get to Cleveland in a hurry.

- Blegh!

(all laughing)

- What does that mean?

- Why would anyone
wanna go to Cleveland?

- Alright, now.

- At a snail's pace
much less in a hurry.

- Well you might have to.

- Alright, under duress.

- No, no now you
have to go to Cleveland.

- It's very funny you should
mention that because...

- Why I hope so.

- Well it happened
the other night.

I went out to the
airport, got in my old 707.

- And?

- Aimed it for
Cleveland and vroom!

- So you do know how
to get it off the ground?

- No I took the freeway.
(audience laughs)

- There's no
freeway to Cleveland.

- There is now.

(audience laughs)

- Now come on, you did not drive

a jet all the way to
Cleveland on a freeway.

- 700 miles an hour
right up to that tunnel.

(audience laughs)

- What tunnel?

- You remember the tunnel
just this side of Vegas?

- Yeah.

- Well now it's the
other side of Vegas.

(audience laughs)

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- Matter of fact, it's
just this side of Chicago.

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- That's what the guy
on the motorcycle said.

- Now this time you've
really gone too far.

What motorcycle?

- The one in the
tunnel. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- I don't believe it.

- Ask him.

- He pushed me.

He pushed me. (audience laughs)

I went for a spin
around the block

and he pushed me all
the way to Cleveland.

He pushed me. (audience laughs)

- Hey, let's go to the party.

- Sure, I'll fly you
over in my plane.

- I'd rather walk.

Come on, you're all invited too.

Come on, come on.

- You pushed me!

You pushed me!
(audience applauds)

(upbeat, funky rock music)

- My boyfriend
had a lucky break.

His National Guard
unit was recalled

to Detroit the same
time his new car was.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- I represented the
Flower Growers of America

in the Rose Bowl Parade.

- Oh really?

- Mhmm, I pulled their float.

(audience laughs)

- Well I was supposed to ride on

the beautiful
Downtown Burbank float.

- Oh, what happened?

- They had to use it
to pick up the garbage.

- Oh, poor baby.
(audience laughs)

(upbeat, funky rock music)

- I found a winter sport
I was just crazy about.

(laughs) But our skis
kept getting in the way.

(clicks tongue) (upbeat,
funky rock music)

- Goldie?

- What?

- Hey, what do you think
about the fact the country seems

to be moving
further to the right?

- Well at least it'll save
flying time to Europe.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- The Russian people
are very hospitable.

They're always
taking in borders.

So far they took in
the Hungarian border,

the Czechoslovakian
border, and now

they're making room
for the Romanian border.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- This new movie
code is something else.

The film, Romeo and
Juliet, has a love scene

between two 14 year olds
but you have to be 21 to see it.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- My uncle received
a woman's heart

in a transplant operation.

He's doing fine but
he has developed

a tendency to cry
at weddings, oh.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- Dick, do you realize
there's a sexual

revolution going
on in this country?

- Boy, I sure hope they
don't send me overseas.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- I know the Bible says the
meek shall inherit the earth.

Unfortunately the strong
keep contesting the will.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

- Hospitals are
getting so expensive.

I figure it's only
a matter of time

before they develop a
coin operated iron lung.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

(audience applauds)

- And now for those of
you in our radio audience,

here from the Shrine
of the Little Flower

at Royal Oaks, Michigan, we hear

the controversial Father
Coughlin speak on creeping

communism and how social
security brings it on faster.

(audience laughs)

- When we take over,
we're gonna have

to get rid of some of us too.

(audience laughs)

- Ladies and
gentlemen, as you know,

Laugh-In usually takes
this time to present

the News Past,
Present, And Future.

Tonight it is my sad
duty to inform you

that they're gonna do it again.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, funky rock music)

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope will amuse you

We just love to
give you our views

Bom bom bi dom Ladies and gents

Laugh-In Looks At the News

Here's Dan!

(audience applauds)

- Now for the News
of the Present,

here's a man who in the
news wouldn't be the news

without the news, here's Dickie.

(audience applauds)
(upbeat orchestral music)

- Reviewing their
extended schedule,

the National
Football League today

cancelled the
final game of their

68-69 season because
it fell on the same

day as the opening game
of their 69-70 season.

(audience laughs) Yeah.

In Cuba today,
Premier Fidel Castro

announced the formation
of a new Cuban airline.

It will fly
non-scheduled flights

from the United States to Havana

and will be called Eastern
Delta and National Airline.

(audience laughs)

Greenwich Village, New York.

Work on Andy Warhol's
new underground movie

was halted today
when the romantic lead,

a 300 pound warthog,
died of a heart attack.

Gets you here, doesn't it?

(audience laughs)

Take it away, Goldie!

(drum roll)

- Now for the news
of the future. (laughs)

20 years from now, here's Dan
Rowan and his prognostication.

(audience laughs)
- Fine, Goldie.

- Dan, do you really
have prognostications?

- Sure do.

- Poor baby, I'm gonna
go get you a Band-Aid.

(audience laughs)

- Big help, Goldie.

1989, 20 years from now.

Continuing their international
disarmament program,

the United States
and Russia have each

buried two more
bombs in watery graves.

The United States
put two H bombs

on the floor of the
Antarctic Ocean.

Russia reciprocated by sinking

two H bombs in the
waters of Lake Michigan.

(audience laughs)

New York City, 1989.

The new version
of the Bible where

the forward by Marshall
McLuhan Jr. was released today.

This 45 page pamphlet includes

both the Old and
the Mod Testaments.

(audience laughs)

Federal penitentiary,
Atlanta, 1989.

Ex-Teamster boss,
Jimmy Hoffa, today

refused parole on
the grounds it would

be unfair to deprive him
of the $150,000 a year

salary as president of the
all powerful Prisoners Union.

(audience laughs)

- Although things have
changed on campus,

it's still true that
inspired coaching

can make the difference
in any college sport.

- Men, I don't have to tell

you that it's not goin' well.

But you scored a few
points in the first half.

Made a few good moves, not bad.

This man here made a good move.

Stormed the language
hall, stuffed the toilets

full of assistant professors.

Not bad. (audience laughs)

Not bad, comin' along.

Here's your man,
made a good move.

Took the registrar, stapled 'em

to the bulletin board, a
bad common practice.

However we're still a long way

from true democracy
on this campus.

And you know why?

Because we don't
have the ole fight.

You see, we're lacking
the old leadership guys,

guys like Nancy Bo Beasley,

guys like Alan "I Got
the Best Acne" Amici,

guys like, well, the
greatest of 'em all, you know.

No face, all hair,
Bushy Bullets Durg.

(audience laughs)

Oh, oh boy.

- You okay, coach?

- Oh yes I'm okay.

I'm okay, it's just that,
you know, Bullets is gone.

I'll never forget
that day he ran

90 yards across the
campus, 300 policemen

in back of 'em, and you
know, he made it to the library.

He wrote on the
wall, a four letter word.

(audience laughs)

And he spelled it
wrong. (audience laughs)

- No he didn't, coach.

- He didn't?

- No, coach.

- You mean there's no H in it?

- No, coach.

(audience laughs)

- Late at night, we
were standin' there.

Remember where the old
administration building used to be?

Well we were standin'
there in the rubble

and the light from a few fires

was flickering off his splints.

Bullets said to me, he said,

"Coach, if the day
ever comes when

"it's not goin'
well and the guys

"are feelin' down," he
says, "You tell them,

"you say get this
one for the Bullet."

(audience laughs)
Well this is it, men.

This is it.

I want you to go out there
now and get one for the Bullet.

(audience laughs)
(whimsical orchestral music)

- That's what this show
needs, more whimsy.

(audience laughs)

- And now with the
sports, he's the old

brunette himself, Alan Sues.

(audience laughs)
(whimsical orchestral music)

- Hi.

Big Al here in the
ole polo diamond.

(bell ringing) Featurette.

Last night a reporter saw a
Grabbler Gorgeous Grabowski

lose his 12th straight
wrestling match

when his opponent
seized him by his

stunning shoulder
length golden curls

and pissed him five rows right

into the lap of full
back, Jimmy Brown,

who immediately drop
kicked him back into the ring.

Hurt, pain, sting.
(audience laughs)

Who says blondes have more fun?

Ta-ta. (smooches)
(audience laughs)

- Well that wraps up our
news for another week, Dick.

Anything you'd care
to add to any of this?

- Well yeah, I'd
just like to add

that that wraps up our
news for another week, Dick.

(audience laughs)

- You certainly do have a
definite gift for the language.

- So have I.

(audience laughs)
- Glad to hear it.

(audience laughs)
(whimsical orchestral music)

(high-pitched laughing)

- The trouble with
being a fairy godmother

is that you have to
marry a fairy godfather.

(high-pitched laughing)
(audience laughs)

- Goldie, guess who this is.

(whimsical orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

(whimsical orchestral music)

- John Wayne.

(audience laughs)

- Attention!

(whimsical orchestral music)

Well mon ami, at least
you have a 50/50 chance.

Sammy Davis Jr.'s in
charge of the firing squad.

(audience laughs)

- Stagecoach just
passed this way.

Four horses.

One horse have blue shoe.

One crooked wheel.

Two men in stagecoach
and one woman.

- You can tell all
that by listening?

- No.

Stagecoach just run over my ear.

(audience laughs)
(loud thudding)

(crashing and splatting)

(upbeat orchestral music)

- Dear John, ta da da.

Ow!

(crying)

- Hi-ya sister fairy.

Who's the wiseacre who changed

a pumpkin into a
pickup truck, hmm?

(audience laughs)

- Attention!

(whimsical orchestral music)

Are you afraid?

- Nah, I've been
on television before.

(audience laughs)

- Stop.

We just find out that Tonto
in Spanish means stupid.

- Don't feel bad,
Tonto, it's just a name

It doesn't mean
anything, stupid.

(audience laughs)

- Goldie, now, watch.

Who is that?

(whimsical orchestral music)

- John Wayne!

(audience laughs)

- So Jim Henderson was
staying at Glucks Hillside.

- Oh, he'll stay anywhere.
- Remember me?

Remember us?

- [Dick And Dan] Oh sure.

- How could we
forget you? (laughs)

- Last week we had a bit
of trouble with our whips.

- You see, Dick and
Dan, we've changed

the act around a little bit.

We've thrown away
the whips and now

we're gonna use the knives.

- Ooh.
- Oh, oh.

Whatever turns you on.

- Will you introduce
us again, cab-bas.

- It'd be our pleasure.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous Brothers Le Gard.

(audience applauds)

(sighs)

(drum roll)

(yelling) (audience laughing)

Now that's show business.

- Well now ladies and gentlemen,

instead of our usual
discovery of the week,

we offer you a rare musical
moment with one of our very own.

The lovely and
talented, Henry Gibson.

- Aw. (audience applauds)

- I got the idea for this song

when the car I won in a raffle
last week was repossessed.

(audience laughs)

Blue bird

Stay away from my door

I don't, I don't want
you round here no more

So go away blue bird, disappear

Come on blue bird,
get away Get outta here

With your lousy promises

I've had it, blue
bird, right up to here

Oh blue bird go away
Come on, blue bird

Would you mind just leavin'?

Come on Go on
home now, blue bird

Blue bird, blue bird

Blue bird, your mother's
calling you, blue bird

Well you hear her,
stupid You hear her

Don't you know nobody's
likes you no more

Don't you know that

So blue bird stay
away from my door

Please blue bird Please

(sings in foreign language)

Split

(loud whooshing) (audience
laughs and applauds)

- Moving right along now,
here's our Potpourri department,

a collection of odds and ends.

- Yeah that was kind
of a nice party, wasn't it?

- What are you talkin' about?

- My pool party last Saturday.

- Oh yeah, that was fun.

All the kids in the
cast in bathing suits.

- Bunch o' odds
and ends I ever saw.

(all laughing)

- Potpourri, ladies
and gentlemen.

- Odds and ends,
don't you get it?

(audience laughs)

- Well ring my chimes.

(audience laughs)

- I'm with Hertz,
we're number one.

- I'm with Avis, we're
number two, but we try harder.

- I'm with Burbank
Rentals, we're number 35.

We'd give up but we're
stuck with all these darn cars.

(audience laughs)

- Don't try to ring your chimes

in beautiful Downtown
Burbank, huh.

Woo!

(audience laughs)

- A little much
of British nobility

still lives on vast
estates in castles.

Most of them are
penniless and it is becoming

increasingly difficult to
keep up appearances.

(audience laughs)

- Rise, Timmons.

Would you spare a cigarette?

- Oh quite so.

- There they go.
- Mm.

- Hang his lordship's
cloak, would you?

In its place where it
belongs, Timmons?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Thank you.

- Very hungry, my
dear. (audience laughs)

(mumbles) Did you now?

Timmons?

- Yes, sir.

- I would like some ribs of beef

and avocado salad, baby
peas, and a Napoleon brandy.

- Hmm, so would I.

Now what would
you like to eat, sir?

(audience laughs)

- Well isn't there any
of that roast fowl left?

- No, ma'am.

- Well what about
that fowl roast?

- No, sir.

- Well then what is there?

- Afraid there's nothing, sir.

- Hmm, well in that case, serve
smaller portions, would you?

- Quite so.

(clicks tongue)

- Oh, there's never anything.

We're destitute.

- Sad but true, my dear.

Yet you insist
upon sitting there

wearing the costliest of robes,

bearing upon them the
golden medal of the royal eagle.

- This happens
to be a tablecloth

and this, a piece of celery.

- Celery?

- Celery.

- So it is.

(loud crunching)
(audience laughs)

Very good, isn't it, yes, hmm.

- Oh the shame of it all.

All we have left is this table.

- Yes, the shame of it all.

Think of it, Timmons.

One of the oldest
families in England.

Do you know our lands go
back to William the Fourth?

That our castle goes
back to Henry the Eighth?

- Hmm, never
thought of that, sir.

- Sorry, gov.

But your table goes
back to Macy's this six.

(audience laughs)

Lift!

- I'm really strainin', Charlie.

It's awful heavy.
(audience laughs)

- How does that grab you?

(snaps fingers) Chime rings.

(audience laughs)
(playful piano music)

(loud quacking)

(playful piano music)

(loud quacking)

(playful piano music)

(loud crashing)

- He for whom the bell
tolls is an Avon lady.

(audience laughs)

- Blow in my ear.

(snaps fingers)

And I'll let you ring my chimes.

(audience laughs)

- More about that later.

Now, here's Pigmeat.

- You sold this poor fellow
here the Brooklyn Bridge

and I charge you
with fraud on citizenry

for sellin' somethin'
you did not own.

- How do you know I don't
own the Brooklyn Bridge?

- Because last week
I bought it myself.

(thudding) (audience laughs)

- Hey folks, you got enough time

durin' the next commercial.

(snaps fingers) To
ring your chimes.

(audience laughs)

- Welcome, Mrs. Brown,
to Lily Heights Estates.

(both laughing)

As our first Negro,
we want to integrate

you properly into the community.

So here's a complete
schedule of activities

which I'd like to go
over with you, if I may.

Weekends you'll be at the club.

Mondays, bowling
with the Thompson's.

Tuesday, dinner
at the Barclay's.

Wednesdays, your
children will play

at the Jones',
Claiborne's and Ellis's.

One at each house.
(audience laughs)

In the evening, you
and your husband

come to our place for cocktails.

- What about Thursdays?

- Oh, Thursdays you have off.

(audience laughs)

- Whatever you
do, don't get caught

ringing your chime in Chicago.

(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)

(silly fast-paced music)

- Listen, tooth fairies,
you're gonna drive

us all to the poor house.

Once and for all,
dentures don't count.

(audience laughs)

- Sister fairy, what's this?

- Oh you dumb,
fairy, it's a fairy tail.

(high-pitched laughing)
(audience laughs)

- That's not funny.

(man yelling in
foreign language)

Don't worry.

They're using the
new M16 rifle, poo poo.

(audience laughs)

- Goldie, now, who is this?

Watch, please.

(whimsical orchestral music)

- John Wayne?

(audience laughs)

- Boot tracks.

Deep print.

Me and him, big may.

Long stride.

Me and him, tall may.

Him, stop here.

(audience laughs)

- Maybe what I need
is Japanese house boy.

(silly fast-paced music)

(fingernails scraping board)
- Ooh.

- Land ho!

(audience laughs)

- And now back to
Here's to Veterans.

(silly fast-paced music)

- Get in there, Grabowsky.

(thudding)

(silly fast-paced music)

- Ah!

(upbeat, happy rock music)

- You know,
sociologists have figured

out that one of our
biggest problems

in modern day
life is how to fill

our leisure time, and figuring
out stuff like that is how

the sociologists
fill their leisure time.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- Between the
population explosion

and all this new leisure time,

they're gonna
have to build a lot

of new corners
to hang around on.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- Boris says vacations
are just a capitalistic trick

because in order to get
one you gotta take a job!

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- My crowd at
college has a problem

filling our mid-semester break.

We can't decide whether
to re-invade Chicago,

run down to Fort Lauderdale
for the annual riots, or just

stay on the campus and
send out for Eldridge Cleaver.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- You know, I spend all my
leisure time enjoying my hobby.

- What's your hobby?

- What's your name?

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- My doctor's opposed
to the for, we, uh.

(laughs) Oh, four day
week, he doesn't like

the idea of having an extra day.

Okay. (laughs)

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- In Russia, flags
are being burnt

and students and intellectuals
are rioting in the streets.

It's nice to see our two great

countries coming
closer together.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- My boss let me
off early last week.

They were havin'
the Christmas party

and he told me to go home.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- All those new
labor saving devices

at work give us more time off.

We can use it
to repair all those

new labor saving
devices at home.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- Whenever I have a
free moment, I like to call

Dial A Prayer and argue
theology with the record.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- Peter, what do you
suppose Hugh Hefner

does on his spare time?

- In what spare time?

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- Say, with the increased
leisure time, married couples

now have a chance to
really get to know each other.

Which may explain the
increased divorce rate.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

- Leisure time's a problem
in my neighborhood too.

But their we call
it unemployment.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat, happy rock music)

(audience applauds)

(buzzing)

- NBC, beautiful
Downtown Burbank.

I'll register your complaint
at the Laugh-In, Mr. Dylan.

Thank you for calling.

Oh, and give my best
to Festus and Miss Kitty.

(audience laughs)
(triumphant orchestral music)

- Well by golly.

It's Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate time again.

- Hear hear and who is
our lucky winner this week?

- A real bunch of
big spenders, Dick.

The drug industry of America.

- You have never really quite
forgiven 'em for puttin' that

rat poison in Lucrezia
Borgia's food, have ya?

(audience laughs) Have ya now?

- No, no, I forgot about
that a long time ago.

It's a little more
than that, I'm afraid.

According to the
Wisconsin Attorney General

Bronson La Follette,
the drug industry

spent more that $600 million
dollars on advertising in 1967.

- 600 million?

- That's right.

- However can they afford it?

- Well by raising
the price of medicine

would be my first guess.

The Wisconsin
attorney general said,

and I quote, "The drug industry

"now spends four times as much

"on advertising as
it does on research."

Unquote.

Now then.

- Oh, hold it, hold it.

They spend 600 million a
year on advertising, right?

- That's right.

- That's four times as much

as they spend
on research, right?

- You got it.

- Now you don't suppose
that that could have anything

to do with the high price
of medicine, do you?

- Shrewd guess.
- Huh?

- Shrewd, shrewd, yes sir.
- Thinking.

- You got a point there.

- Yeah well one
good point deserves

another as I always say.

Here you are, drug industry.

Take one of these
every four hours.

- Call me in the morning.

(audience laughs)

- Here you are
miss, that'll be $5.50.

- Okay.

(phone ringing)

- Excuse me.

Hello, pharmacy.

Yes.

- Sir.
- That's right.

(quick tapping)

Well do you want us to deliver

or do you wanna pick
it up? (quick tapping)

I see, okay. (woman sighs)

what is the prescription?

Oh excuse me, miss.

Oh miss, that's $5.50.

Not 50.

Oh well.

Quarter profit's
better than nothing.

(audience laughs)

- Next week, folks, tune in when

the coveted Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award,

or the Four F trophy
as we like to call it,

goes to Spiro T.
Agnew for putting

the fun back into
public speaking.

(audience laughs)

- Who has not heard and laughed

at the tales of the
Shah's twelfth wife?

(laughs) It is a cutie.

(audience laughs)

(playful orchestral music)

(high-pitched laughing)

- Okay now, sister fairies.

It's 10 cents under the
pillow for every baby tooth.

But if you get caught, don't
admit that you're a fairy.

(gasps) (audience laughs)

- Ta da! (laughing)

(audience laughs)

- That's what this show
needs, more bite to it.

(audience laughs)
- Goldie, now, watch.

Who is that?

Please.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat instrumental
music) (audience laughing)

- Um.

John Wayne!

(audience laughs)

(man yelling in
foreign language)

(loud banging)

(creaking) (loud booming)

(audience laughs)

- Tonto.

I'll go into town while you
wait here at the campfire.

- How come is never
other way round?

- Okay Tonto, you wait
here at the campfire,

and I'll go into town.

(audience laughs)

- Got me again.

(audience laughs)

(silly fast-paced music)

- Ah!

(clanging)

- Speaking of colleges, Dick.

You are Dick.

- Yes, I am.
- Yes, I remember.

You look a lot like the
other fella who's here.

Hey, you never
did tell the folks

where you went to college.

- Vassar.

- Vassar?

No, Vassar's a girl school.

- Well you go to college
to learn, don't you?

- Did you got for many sports?

- When you're the
only guy at Vassar,

you really don't have
to go out for anything.

(audience laughs)

- Now I can follow
that pretty closely.

The dean didn't object?

- Oh shove another
drink in his hand.

What does he know? (laughs)

- Who?

- Dean.

- Who's Dean?

- My roommate at college.

- Dean Martin went to Vassar?

- Lucky guy, I wish
I had been with him.

- You better be careful,
Dean watches this show.

- Oh Dean, you can slide down my

pole any old Thursday
night at 10, 9 central time.

(audience laughs)

Please.

(audience laughs)

- There's another slide
down your pole joke.

(descending slide
whistle) (audience laughs)

- I thought we couldn't
do any more pole jokes.

- I don't know.

I have never been out with one.

- So friends, with that in
mind, laughing continues to find

and bring you the
un-average American.

Uh huh, uh huh, that' right.

(happy upbeat orchestral music)

- This is a wonderful
think you're doing,

Mr. Weiserman,
leaving your vital organs

to medical science
for transplantation.

Should give you
great satisfaction

to know that after you're gone,

your heart may enable
some great statesmen

to continue his
work, and your eyes

may permit a talented
painter to see again.

Now all you have to
do is sign right here,

right on there on
the piece of paper.

(audience laughs)

Okay.

That's enough.

Mr. Weiserman, you
come right with me

and we'll get started
with the operation.

- Right away? But, but
Dr. Steine, I'm not dead yet.

- Mr. Weiserman, if you
were to notice clause A

right here, it states according
to law the doctor shall

establish whether the
subject is legally dead.

(Mr. Weiserman
laughs hysterically)

- Look at me, do I look dead?

- Mr. Weiserman, you are
a drill press operator, right?

- [Mr. Weiserman] I, yeah...

I've been in the medical
profession over 35 years, right?

- [Mr. Weiserman] Yeah.

- Right, now who are
you going to believe?

You or me?

(Mr. Weiserman groans)

Come on, stupid.

- I don't wanna!

(audience laughs)

(happy upbeat orchestral music)

- I don't really understand
this, Mrs. Johnson.

You have 15 children.

You're expecting another
and you want a divorce.

Now as your lawyer
I have to know why.

- Well it's just that there's
no excitement in my life.

I mean before it's
too late I would like

to develop some
outside interests.

- Like what?

- Well I really don't know.

You know, I've
never been outside.

(audience laughs)

(mimicking baby cooing)

(happy upbeat orchestral music)

- Meanwhile, in
another part of town.

(blowing air forcefully)

- In answer to your many
Australian didgeridoo requests,

yes, I will definitely
do my world famous

Australian kookaburra bird call.

Thank you.

(audience laughs)

(raucous cackling)

- Sure sounds like
a kangaroo to me.

- Oh no, a kangaroo
goes like this.

(raucous cackling)

(happy upbeat orchestral music)

- I say we should
bring back man's

best friend, the walking stick.

The walking stick is a
sign of breeding and class.

Also it's very masculine and
warm to hold in your hand.

It's also a versatile instrument

and can be used
for tipping the hat,

or for hitting small dogs
and children in the park.

(audience laughs)
Let's bring it back.

(happy upbeat orchestral music)

- Operator?

Operator, I wanna place a
person to person collect call

to Master Sergeant
Perry Lafferty

in the Doctors Hospital
in Peoria, Illinois.

Now, the area code is 311
and the number is 555-786-0.

That'll be room number 325.

- Yes, sir.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- I have a collect call
for Master Sergeant

Perry Lafferty
from Laredo, Texas.

- It's Perry, they must've
shipped him to Texas.

Perry's not here
right now, operator.

He's busy with his
wife because she just

delivered a nine pound, two
ounce, blue eyed baby boy

with dark wavy hair, named
Perry Jr. after his father.

Can I take the message?

- No, operator, no.

There'll be no message, no.

I'll call again when I
come home on furlough

this coming
Wednesday, 10:20 a.m.,

track four at the
Peoria Union Station.

That is if I get the 5320
I need for the train ticket.

- Thank you.

I'm sorry we couldn't
complete your call, sir.

- That's okay.

Listen, operator, by the
way I didn't get my dime back.

(audience laughs)

- That doesn't look
too un-average to me.

Cheap maybe, but not un-average.

(audience laughs)

(silly, whimsical music)

- Fairy queen, is there any rule

that says we have to change
footmen back into rats?

- I hope not.

(high-pitched laughing)
(audience laughs)

- Goldie now, sweetheart.

Who is that?

And this is your last chance.

(whimsical orchestral music)

- Oh that's Henny Youngman.

(audience laughs)
- Right.

- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they mean.

(solemn violin music)

- Sorry, Henny.

(audience laughs)

You know when Bob
Hope goes overseas,

he takes Jane Russell,
Mamie Van Doren,

Joey Heatherton,
and Raquel Welch.

Well with that lineup, Dean
Russ could be entertaining.

(audience laughs)
(solemn violin music)

- Oh, that Henny Youngman.

(whimsical, silly music)

(man yelling in
foreign language)

(loud banging)
(descending slide whistle)

(audience laughs)
(whimsical, silly music)

- Don't just stand
there, ask me to dance.

(audience laughs)

- You know, I think we got into

the wrong costumes today, Robin.

(audience laughs)
(whimsical orchestral music)

(wailing and laughing)

- At the sound of the tone,

the time will be
Sock it to Me time.

(thudding and squeaking)

Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it me

Don't throw bouquets at me

Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it me

(descending slide whistle)

I asked you not to throw
bouquets at me now, didn't I?

(water splashing)

Now that's more like it.

You see, that's
more like it, yes, yes.

No and I didn't even
say sock it to me.

(upbeat happy music)
(audience laughs)

Now isn't that adorable?

You see, they hit me
with all these little socks.

It's a little play
on words, you see.

You see, I said sock it to me.

(water splashing)

You just won't leave
me alone, will you?

I've tried, I've tried
to buy these boys.

You just won't leave me alone.

(audience laughs)

(Dan and Dick laughing)

- What Dan and Dick don't know

is they're about to
have it socked to them.

(squeaky toy squeaking)

(water splashing)
(audience laughs)

- What Peter Falk doesn't know

is that we work
for Dan and Dick.

(audience laughs)
- I'll say.

(thudding and sqeaking)

- Dan and Dick offered me
$20 for every birthday I've had.

You know, I came this
close to telling the truth.

- Well tonight we're
going to regain.

We're gonna review some of
the fun things that happened

in 1968 and a lot of
important things happened.

I'm sure you remember
some of them.

- Oh yeah, see I met this little

French girl, and
the first thing...

- Oh no, I don't mean that.

I'm talking about
things of international

importance, the
foreign entanglements.

- Yeah well you see
this little French girl...

- No, no, I'm
talking about events

like Averell Harriman
and the North Vietnamese.

- What happened?

- What do you mean
what happened?

They met abroad in Paris.

- Isn't that a coincidence.

See, see, I met this
little French girl...

- Oh no, it's not
the same thing.

Averell Harriman is
trying to end the hostilities

and he's not
making out too well.

- Oh I know the feeling.

You see, this
little French girl...

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- Come to think
of it, neither do I.

It was very depressing.

- Good.

Anyway folks, one of the biggest
problems this year was when

the government of North
Korea seized the USS Pueblo.

Somewhere around its marine
boundary, wasn't it, Dick?

- Well I don't know.

I've never been
seized there myself

but I could imagine it'd
cause quite a problem.

- Well thanks for your
extremely fine help.

Then while the ship and its crew

were detained, both
governments argued.

We claim the ship was
outside North Korean

waters and they claim otherwise.

So the argument goes on.

- And on, and on, and on.

- Gentlemen, is it not possible
that one of you is wrong?

- It's possible.

Our chronometers and radar prove

that we were well outside
your territorial waters.

We have the most sophisticated

navigational
equipment in the world.

- Not so.

We have most advanced
technical equipment

and also ship was definitely
within territorial water.

- Are you saying our
instruments are wrong?

- Oh, where you cannot suggest

that our instruments are faulty.

- But I know our
instruments are right.

- And I say our
instruments are right.

(audience laughs)

- Gentlemen, let's
suspend the discussion

and break for lunch.

The time is now exactly 12 noon.

- Yeah, I have 11:20.

- I have 12:57.

Come 15.

- That's funny, I have 1:30.

- Oh no, 12 noon.

- It's 11:20.

(all men chattering
angrily) (audience laughs)

- 1968 was also the
year of peace talks

and the big song in Paris was.

Averell in Paris
(audience laughs)

- This was the year of the riots

and in the ghetto, the
song of the year was.

How much is that
TV in the window

(audience laughs)

- They don't care
about all that stuff.

You forgot about
my favorite movie star

who celebrated his
40th birthday last year.

- Who's that?

- Mickey Mouse, you ding-dong.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Mouse, congratulations
on your long movie career.

- Gosh, thank you, Goldie.

- You know, I've often wondered.

You and Minnie Mouse have been

goin' together for
such a long time.

Haven't you ever thought about

marriage, or
children, or anything?

- Oh, the same old problem.

Minnie's afraid of mice.

- Oh, poor baby.

Has that every broken
up your romance?

- Yes but we
manage to revive it.

- How'd you do that?

- Mouse to mouse resuscitation.

(audience laughs)

(Goldie and Mickey laughing)

- One thing, another thing
about your fans and everything.

We've always kind of
wondered is that your real voice?

- No, I really sound like this.

But Master Disney said
it wasn't good for talkies.

(audience laughs)

- You know, that's funny.

Dick and Dan say the same thing

about my voice,
it isn't good for TV.

- No kidding, now what's your
real voice sound like, Goldie?

(Goldie quacks)

- Now there goes
one of the greats.

- Yeah.

Hey Dick, remember
the Chicago convention?

- Yeah, love the way Mayor Daley

greeted the hippies
and the yippies.

- Yeah.

Get out of town before
it's too late, my love

- Well that about
ends it for 1968.

- Not quite.

We left out the most
controversial item of the year.

For 1968, Pope
Paul banned the pill

and now the number
one song in Rome is.

I got rhythm I got
rhythm I got rhythm

I got rhythm Go, go, go, go, ah

(audience applauds)

- I remember that
wonderful year, 1968.

That was the year that
somebody forgot to tell

Jackie Kennedy what they
say about Greeks bearing gifts.

(audience laughs)

- You know, I can't
understand Jackie Kennedy

picking Aristotle
Onassis over me.

My eyes are bluer than
his, and I like money

as much as he does,
and I'm 30 years younger.

(audience laughs)

The window still was
open when I passed.

She was standin'
there with ho, ho, ho.

(audience laughs)

La la la (man laughing softly)

Can I have a Walnetto?

(audience laughs)

(thudding)

Oh, you got a Powerhouse?

(thudding) (audience laughs)

Got a tourniquet?

(audience laughs) (thudding)

- Incidentally, the judge
is coming almost at once.

(audience laughs)
(loud thudding)

- Boy, you said you will
arrest a chicken fever

because of mistaken identity?

- That's right, your Honor.

I thought the man seein'
her was my brother.

- What? (thudding)

(audience laughs)

(silly, fast-paced music)

(audience laughs)

(thudding)

- Tin foil. (audience laughs)

- Well I see by
the old clock there

on the studio wall it's
time to say goodnight, Dick.

- My wife puts mud on her
face before we go into bed.

I say goodnight swamp.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Hey, let me ask you somethin'.

Who's Dick?

- If you're lookin' at your
own clock at home, I...

- Speakin' of clocks at home.

I wonder if you'd mind if I said

something my aunt
once said to me.

- Certainly have an insidious
way of sneakin' that in there.

- Oh thank you.

- What if I said no?

- Well that's another case
in point when she said no.

- [Dan] Who?

- Diane.

- She did say no once?

- Yes, happened oh
about 14 weeks ago.

- Won't you relate this to the
leading experience to us all?

- I'd be more than happy.

You see, she was
trapped in a lighthouse

on Fire Island with
the male chorus

of the beautiful Downtown
Burbank opera company and ballet.

- [Dan] And ballet?

- Yeah and stormed
our window makers.

- They're versatile.

- They are versatile.

- Yes, yes.

- So she was stranded in this

lighthouse for 14 days. (laughs)

(mumbles) They
were leaping about.

Little Swan Lake, ah.

- Yeah, yeah and
what did she say?

- Well when she came
out she just looked

around the back and
then said, "He pushed me,

"he pushed me all
the way to Burbank."

(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight everybody,
hope you don't get pushed.

(audience applauds)
(whimsical orchestral music)

(jazzy orchestral music)

- I sell underthings to nudists.

- Oh, what kind of underthings?

(both laughing)

- Seat cushions.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, guess what?

I was supposed to go to
the policeman's ball last night.

- [Man] What happened?

- Well at the last minute I,

how you say,
copped out. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- What is James
Audubon famous for?

- He was an ornithologist.

- Oh, poor baby.

(audience laughs)

- He sure had a
good eye for a bird.

(audience laughs)

- Oh I thought he was a orni...

(laughs loudly)

(audience laughs)

- Dave.

- Yes?

- Did you know that dolphins
have higher IQs than humans?

- Well if they're so
smart, why ain't they rich?

(audience laughs)

- Arte!

- Yes?

- Did you know
that George Jessel

only smokes quarter cigars?

- Well how about that?

I wonder who smoked
the other three quarters?

(all laughing)

- Oh. (Woman singing opera)

- Oh quiet.

No wonder they call Paris
the cultural center of the world.

Even the garbage
men speak French.

(audience laughs)

- I like the reason blondes
have more fun at, well

they're easier to find
in the dark. (laughs)

- You peeked, you nut.

(audience laughs)

- Mean one thing for which

Louis the Fourteenth
was directly responsible.

- Louis the Fifteenth.

- Ooh. (mumbles)

(audience laughs)

- Peter?

- Yes?
- Peter?

What would you get? (laughs)

If you cross the ma. (laughs)

A mouse with a elephant?

- About halfway.

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

- What do you get when you
cross a chicken with a train?

- Feathers all over the train.
- Oh!

- Sorry.

(all laughing)

- [Dick] You pushed me!

- I'm in pain!

- Oh my goodness, Peter.
- You pushed me!

- About a halfway.
- You peeked, you peeked!

(all laughing)

- [Man] Louis the Fifteenth!

- What do you get if you cross

a movie actors with
a washing machine?

- A washing machine
with four ex-husbands.

(all laughing)

- About halfway.

(all laughing)
- Very good, Peter.

(silly, whimsical music)

(sharp rumbling)

(crashing) (thudding)

(man yelling in
foreign language)

- Hmm!

Cigarette?

- Don't mind if I do.

- Before I give you this, I must

warn you it may be
hazardous to your health.

If you're a cuckoo.
(audience laughs)

(silly, fast-paced music)

- Tomorrow at sun
up, Tonto, you'll take

this message to the fort.

- No, pale face, you go.

Thursday my day off.

(audience laughs)

(loud crashing)
(high-pitched whistling)

(Dan and audience laughing)

- Do you have any last
thing you would like to do?

- Uh uh. (laughing)

(audience laughs)

(man yelling in
foreign language)

(audience laughs) (screaming)

- This program was
prerecorded so the NBC censors

could take out all
the naughty parts

and keep them for themselves.

- Very interesting.

But that Peter Falk will
never make it as an Indian.

(sharp thudding)
(audience laughs)

Missed another
excellent opportunity

to keep my mouth shut.

Goodnight, Tonto.

(yelling loudly)

(abstract drum music)

(ringing chimes)