Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 13 - Episode #2.13 - full transcript
Sketches include Cocktail Party, Roller derby girl sings and dances, News of the past, present, and future, Kate Ballard self-love song, Picasso statues, Singing Judge production number, ...
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Kate Smith.
Hi Kate.
- I'm not Kate.
- (singing) And
that's our shoooow
for toniiiiight!
- (group singing) Ohhhh yeahhh!!
(material falls)
(confused shouting)
- There is no big finish, folk.
(thump)
(lively band music)
(typewriter clacks)
(typewriter clunks)
(cartoon whizzing)
(shrieks)
- April Fool!
(tray crashes)
(frogs chirping)
- My little cupcake,
'tis I, Casanova.
- Quickly! My husband
has just returned!
- Where is he?
- He's downstairs,
pulling on that vine!
- Oh!
(crashes)
- (grunts unintelligibly)
- Alright.
Alright, alright, we'll
go on the picnic later!
- (grunts)
What I want, Igor, is to
create a creature ten feet tall,
with a brain of a criminal,
and the strength of a gorilla,
and yet likable.
- (grunts unintelligibly)
(kissing sounds)
- (singing) I feel
a song comin' on!
(taps cane)
And it's melody's
full of the laughter
of children - (babbles)
and after the rain.
- You've got a
lovely voice, cutie.
Anyone ever tell you that?
(smacks)
I think I'll go down
to the swings.
- And now from the Burbank
Municipal Typewriter Repair Shop
and Bulgarian Tap
Dancing Emporium,
NBC proudly presents:
(lively music starts)
Rowan and Martin's Thing!
Starring Dan Rowan,
(audience claps)
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars: Kate Smith,
Vincent Price,
and Rich Little.
And Judy Carne, (audience claps)
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
Dick Whittington,
and Jo Anne Worley.
And Chelsea Brown, Jack Riley,
and yours truly, Gary Owens, and
Morgul as the Friendly Drelb.
(kazoos buzz)
(strings play funny notes)
- (singing in scat)
Sha-de-bop, biddy bop ba!
(cymbals crash)
(musicians and
instruments crash)
(guffaws)
- Now the exciting
conclusion of tonight's movie,
"The Wolfman Goes Hawaiian."
- Ladies and gentlemen, the
entire voice of Miss Kate Smith.
(audience claps)
- (singing) When
the moon comes over
the mountain,
(frogs chirping)
then it's ti-ime for Di-ick
and Daaaan!
(set breaks and collapses)
(lively band music)
(audience claps)
- Welcome tonight's fans.
Hey, here we are, the
last show of the year.
- Yeah, that's about
it for another year,
and well, I guess
have a nice summer,
and we'll all be back...
- Wait a minute ya ding-a-ling.
It's not the last
show of the year.
I mean it's the end of 1968.
We still got 13
more shows to do.
- See, I told you
we'd all be back.
- Yep.
Here we are back again,
and it's the beginning
of a new year.
- Yeah.
- Ring in the new,
ring out the old.
- I do that every night.
- You do what every night?
- Ring my chimes.
- Forget about your doorbell.
Why don't you, do you ever think
about sittin' down, and
giving your carefree life
some serious thought?
- You bet your sweet bippy I do!
- Yeah, well I'm
glad to hear that. Boy.
- If you had my life to
live, you'd wanna think
about it too!
- I don't think so.
Incidentally, Adriana and I
are gonna have a few friends in,
we're gonna celebrate New
Year's Eve, just like you to know,
you're more than welcome.
- Eh, I think I'll have a
quiet celebration of my own.
- Gonna be home?
- No, I'll be at
the Playboy Club.
- Why don't you ever
do somethin' different?
- You got somethin'
goin' I don't know about?
- No, no. You know, a lot
of people make resolutions
on New Year's Eve.
- Who?
Who?
- Not, not who, what?
- Oh, what what?
- They make resolutions!
- You son of a gun, you
have got somethin' goin' on!
- Why don't you make
a few resolutions.
Start out the new year,
just like a new man.
- Mmm hmm!
- Just think of 1968 as
water under the bridge.
- How's that?
- Water under the bridge.
- Good. As long as
you're under the bridge,
make mine scotch and water.
- Alright, speaking of a party,
why don't you come along?
- I thought you'd never ask!
- You're invited.
(audience laughs and claps)
(lively 60s music)
- Oh boy, New Year's
Eve in California is great!
Back east, it's snowing so hard,
you can't even see the smog!
- [Dan] (laughs)
(lively 60s music)
- You know, Kate, I
love the way you sing
"God Bless America."
But you know, the
way things are goin',
maybe you oughta change
it to "God Help America."
(lively 60s music)
- Gee New Year's Eve is fun!
We oughta make
it an annual event!
(lively 60s music)
- My niece got a doll for
Christmas, and you wouldn't bel...
If they get any more
realistic, they're gonna have
to take them out of the
toy department next year,
and put 'em in sporting goods.
(lively 60s music)
- You know, I hate to see
this leap year come to an end.
I got five good leaps
left! (laughs maniacally)
(lively 60s music)
- (with Indian accent)
In the eastern countries,
the coming year is known
as the Year of the Fish.
What a sadness.
I have just learned
to dance the monkey!
- You know, in Bangkok,
the monkey is very sacred.
- Oh yes.
- Just like the poodle
is in Beverly Hills.
Think about it.
(lively 60s music)
- This is the year
to forgive and forget.
I'd like to forgive
George Wallace,
send him to Africa,
and then forget him!
(lively 60s music)
- This New Year's Eve, we
should spend a quiet evening
at home.
- Okay, I won't
scream if you won't.
(lively 60s music)
(cup clinks saucer)
- This New Year's Eve,
everyone should attend
midnight service.
After all, where else can
you get a ringside seat,
without a $10 tip?
(lively 60s music)
- This year, I resolve to
stop chasin' after every
Tom, Dick, and Harry,
and zero-in on dick.
(lively 60s music)
- (with Southern accent)
Down on the plantation,
I treated all my black
help to a white Christmas.
Gave 'em each a sack
and turned 'em loose
in the cotton field.
(lively 60s music)
- Kate I hope you like the
Christmas gift I sent you.
- Oh I just love it, it's
just what I wanted, Dick!
A plastic bippy!
(lively 60s music)
- (with British accent) This
year, I resolve to improve
Anglo-American relations.
Yeah Dave, you know
any good-lookin' Anglos?
(audience laughs and
applauds) (lively 60s music)
- And now we return
to "Bells of Broadway,"
Already in progress.
No smoking please.
- You mean just a
simple little blue pill?
- And how does that grab
you (gasps and snorts),
pill lovers?
(hums) (gentle flute music)
- With a powerhouse wrapper
The one you can call your own.
Bo boop boo boo doo.
(taps cane)
Wanna call me "sweetheart?"
(smacks)
Wanna call me "honey bun?"
(smacks)
You wanna call me a ambulance?
(falls)
(lively band music)
(thuds)
(typewriter clacks)
- Ah, in my answer
to this letter, I'd like
to have 70 copies
on this, alright?
Uhh, (typewriter slides)
my trip to... (thunk)
(cartoon boinging)
- (laughs)
(crashing)
- (sighs) 70 copies!
(door bumps open)
(tray crashes)
(frogs chirping)
- Who is it? Who's there?
- It is I, my little Walnetto,
Casanova, the great lover.
Say something meaningful.
- Alright. The
vines are rottenin'!
(vines creaking)
- Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!
(crashing, glass breaking)
- (grunting)
- Stop that!
Stop that now, now.
Look what I want, I want
you to get me some brains,
and a laaarge
kidney, and some liver.
Yes.
- (grunts)
Then I want you to
go across the road,
and get me some
cornflakes and mayonnaise.
Right?
- Blech.
- Thank you.
(kazoos buzz)
- (scat singing)
- (fires starter pistol)
(violin crashes)
(thud)
(men crash to floor)
- Well ladies and
gentlemen, as you all know,
1968 was a very
exciting election year.
- No kidding?
I'm sorry I missed that.
- You missed what, the campaign?
- No, 1968.
- Well we can't bring it all
back, but we'd like to take
a few minutes to look back
at the 1968 political campaign
and just sort of,
hit the high spots.
- I'll drink to that!
(patriotic band music)
- (with Southern accent)
My fellow Americans,
it is with a heavy heart,
that I must announce
to you I will seek
no further reelection.
- Yippee! Zip-a-dee-doo!
Yip-ee-doo! (chuckles)
- That's really
disgusting, Hubert.
- (imitating) I'm
Nelson Rockefeller,
and I'm not a candidate either.
- (imitating) I'm George Romney,
and I'm in this race
to the bitter end.
- (imitating) Well I'm
Ronald Reagan, and as I said
in California, New York,
and Florida, I'm not interested
in the presidency, unless
of course, you insist.
- (imitating) George
Romney again.
I just washed my brain
and I can't do a thing with it.
But I'm still in this
race to the bitter end!
- (imitating) Unless
of course, you insist.
- (imitating) And I'm Nelson
Rockefeller, and since you
put it that way,
maybe I'll run after all.
- (imitating) I'm George
Romney, and I see by the polls
that this is the bitter end.
I quit!
- (imitating) Rocky again.
That settles it, I'm
definitely and irreversibly,
thinking about running.
- (imitating) I'm
George Wallace,
and I will march over
anybody, at any time.
To achieve a just,
honorable, (pounds)
white society.
- You had your chance,
Hubert, and you blew it.
- (imitating) I'm Gene McCarthy,
and Chicago's a
nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't wanna
campaign there.
- (imitating) I would just
like to say, (clicks tongue),
Uhhhh...
- (imitating) I'm Mayor Daley.
Now you may not like
the way I run a convention,
then again, who remembers
the mayor of Miami?
- (imitating) Well I'm
Hubert Humphrey, and golly,
I'm just as pleased as
punch that I'm making
the decisions now.
Okay with you, Lyndon?
- Hubert, will you hush?
- (imitating) Well
I'm Richard Nixon.
And I have nothing
to say, on any issue,
until after the election.
- (imitating) I'm
Spiro Agnew, and I...
- (imitating) He has
nothing to say, on any issue,
until after the election.
- (imitating) I'm Ed
Muskie, and I think I'm lost.
- (imitating) Yeah,
well I'm General LeMay.
(chuckles slowly)
If we're elected, George
Wallace will eliminate
all our domestic problems,
and I'll eliminate
everything else.
(chuckles slowly)
- (imitating) Will
somebody please insist?
- Well Dick, that
was campaign '68.
- Hey, we forgot Lester Maddox!
- Well so did the
rest of the country.
But there was one statement
by a presidential candidate
with such social significance
that it affected the outcome
of the entire election.
Sir, would you repeat that
statement for us tonight?
(crowd cheering)
- Sock it to 'em!
Sock it to 'em!
- Many have asked me how
I will spend my leisure time
after I leave the
highest office in our land.
Some of it will be hunting.
I've asked Curtis LeMay
to join me at my ranch,
for a weekend of
bombing pheasants.
- That's another no-no.
(lively 60s music)
(water dripping)
(typewriter clacks)
(paper scrolls)
(paper tears)
(paper scrolls)
(trays crash)
(door closes)
(machines beeping)
(chuckling)
(whizzing and buzzing)
(radio frequency picks up
"The Star Spangled Banner")
(slapstick musical interlude)
(flute plays single note)
- [Announcer]
Stranger Than Truth.
- For years, little Jeanne
Bigger dreamed of starring
in a Broadway show.
But she was relegated to
dancing in the chorus line.
And then came the
show that changed little
Jeanne Bigger's life.
The star wasn't quite
right for the part that was
tailor-made for little
Jeanne, who was still working
in the chorus line.
And then it happened.
As the star was walking
onstage for the first number,
a sudden crash was heard.
A single voice cried out:
"It's my leg! I can't go on!"
Quickly, the director
pushed through the crowd,
and gazed down at
the crumpled form.
"I think she's broken
her leg, kids," he said.
"But let's not lose our heads.
"Thank goodness it's
only little Jeanne Bigger."
(lively slapstick music)
(doors close)
(typewriter clacks)
(paper crumples)
(crashes)
(beeping)
- Oh now, now. Stop it, stop it!
Put the flute away, Igor.
The Sullivan show is
looking for a trampoline act.
- (babbling)
- (slaps)
- If Bill Dano married Dana
Winter, and divorced her,
and married Lana Turner,
and divorced her, and married
Lainie Kazan, and divorced her,
And married Nina Foch,
would could he get to patch
things up with Dana Winter?
- If Lena Horne married
Mr. Hardart, they would open
an automat.
Nah, let's don't do that one.
If LBJ showed Lena
Horne his cattle ranch,
he'd be taking the
Horne by the bulls.
Let's don't do that one either.
If Shirley Temple married
Victor Emmanuel, she'd be
Mrs. Temple Emmanuel. (laughs)
If Theresa Wright
married William F. Buckley,
and then divorced him,
the whole world would know
she'd rather be
Wright, than Buckley.
- If Tess Trueheart
married Gene Lockhart,
and divorced him, and
married Bob Newhart,
and divorced him and
married George Burns,
she'd be Tess Trueheart
Lockhart Newhart Burns.
- If Tommy and Dicky
Smothers merged with King Kong,
they'd be known as Tom, Dick,
and exceedingly (laughs) hairy!
(kazoos buzz)
- (sings in scat style)
(boat horn sounds)
(violin crashes to floor)
(violins crash to floor)
- Tonight we're going to
look at the battle of the sexes.
- Huh. Wish I woulda
got tickets for that.
Who won?
- We're going to look
at man and woman.
- Oh I know which
one I'm gonna look at.
- Alright, he said earnestly.
Tell me, how do
you look at women?
- Oh sometimes like
this, sometimes like that.
- Oh, oh that Henny Youngman.
- Be that as it may,
behind every great man,
there is a woman.
- Well, if he had any
sense, he'd turn around
and enjoy the view!
- I'm talking about a
face-to-face confrontation
between man and woman.
- I thought you said
she was behind him?
- Just a figure of speech, sir.
- Well with a figure like that,
why bother with all
the speech? (laughs)
- Look, we're going to
examine the difference
between man and woman.
Now what do you say to that?
- (with French accent)
Vive la difference!
- Oh that Henny Youngman!
- We're going to strip
away the pretentions
and all the false fronts.
- Yeah, baby!
- And we're going to
look at the bare facts.
- Yeah, baby!
- And the naked truth.
- (in granny voice) And we'll
all be better persons for it.
- And while I'm calming
what's-his-name down, folks,
Mod Mod World is gonna
take a look at man and woman.
(do-wop music)
- (singing) He is a guy
from New York City.
- (singing) She is
a girl from old LA.
- (singing) He is a
guy who likes to study.
- (singing) She is a
chick who likes to play.
- (singing) He has
a college education.
- (singing) She gets
her ABCs all wrong.
- But... (singing) somehow
we try to get along.
- (singing) He bought a
home in downtown Burbank.
- (singing and tapping) She
made us move to Hollywood.
- (singing and tapping) He
likes to talk in broken Polish.
- (singing and tapping)
She thinks her phone
in French is good.
- (singing) He doesn't
know his left from right foot!
- (singing) She likes to
dance from dusk 'til dawn.
- (pair sings in unison) But
somehow we try to get along!
- (quartet sings in unison)
This battle of the sexes,
from Maine to Fort Worth, Texas,
by now the world
suspects is, all wrong!
- (singing) But
everyone does it!
- He's always voted democratic.
- She's always voted GOP.
- He has a thing
(scoffs) for Edward Albee.
- (singing slowly) She
has a yen for Tennessee.
- He sees a mess,
and tries to cool it.
- (singing slowly) She
always has to come on strong.
- (in unison) But somehow,
we try to get along.
- (quartet singing)
Our physical attraction,
bring loads of satisfaction.
But someday when
the action is gone...
- But whaddaya do then?
- (singing) She likes
to watch her television.
- (singing) He sees
a movie every night.
- (singing) She takes
the line of least resistance.
- (singing) He digs a
good old-fashioned fight.
- (singing) She has the
need for peace and quiet.
- (singing) He has to
sing some noisy song!
(ejects toaster)
- (pair singing in unison)
Somehow we try to get along!
- (group singing in unison)
Who knows if whether,
boys and girls belong together.
Somehow they try to get along!
- It's wrong!
- (group singing in unison) But
somehow we try to get along!
(audience claps)
(funky 60s music)
- (singing) You always
hurt the one you love.
Hai! (cracks whip)
(laughs maniacally)
(cracks whip)
That's wild!
(cracks whip)
(funky 60s music)
- In the battle of the sexes,
I spend most of my time
behind enemy lines.
- C'mon! Sadie, did you know
that Joan's husband, Fred,
has been seeing Irene?
- You mean Irving's wife, Irene?
(claps) Well, look.
I know for a fact that
Irving has just started
seeing Phyllis, George's wife.
- (gasps) Oh! Well that figures!
You see, I saw Frank at the
party with Margaret Turnball,
who used to go with
Alice's husband, John.
- The doctor?
- Right.
- (claps) Oh, why
he still has a thing
going with the
pharmacist's wife, Sally!
- Wait a minute!
Now wait a minute.
If Fred is seeing Irene,
and Irving is seeing Phyllis,
and Frank is going
with Margaret,
and the doctor is
going with Sally,
do you know what that means?
- No.
- That means that
we've been having affairs
with our own husbands!
- Oh you're kidding!
- Would I kid about
something like that?!
Think back, what
did he look like?
Tall, big-shouldered,
gorgeous brown rascal?
Right?
- Yeah! (claps)
That's the one!
It's boring!
- I know!
I'm telling you!
- That's what this show needs:
more social comment.
- I know a man who
met his wife at a love-in,
but luckily he got away
before she saw him.
(funky 60s music)
- If computer
dating works so well,
how come the chief
programmer fools around
with his secretary?
- And now we take you
once again to the famous
Laugh-In Robot Theatre.
(moves rattle)
- That's mine, you know.
- Wanna see my
rattle? (shakes rattle)
(snake charmer flute
music) (footsteps)
- Oh Abdul, you are so exciting.
You have swept me
away in a tide of passion.
(thud)
- Ha ha ha!
My flower of desire.
Desire a tea?
- Yes, oh Desert King.
- Here.
(liquid pours)
- You know, if my
husband (teapot thuds)
knew of our love,
(laughs) he would kill us.
- (laughs) Relax, my darling.
Here, let me (laughs)
take your cloak.
(cloth rips)
- Thank you.
- In the battle of the
sexes, Christine Jorgensen
represents the
demilitarized zone. (laughs)
- If man really wants to
dominate his marriage,
the first thing he should do
is get his wife's permission,
for heaven's sake!
(guffaws)
(funky 60s music)
- I tell ya honey, I just
don't like those two.
- Well after all, will
you tell me why not?
They're not so
bad! (bird tweets)
- Oh yes they are.
One, he's sneaky.
- [Woman] (tsks) Oh...
- He's a liar.
- [Woman] (tsks)
- For her, she's
affected and insincere.
The worst thing about 'em is,
they're both a couple of bores.
(bird tweets)
- [Woman] (scoffs) How you talk!
- Let's not have anything
more to do with them.
- Now listen, Dan, that's
impossible (slams paper down).
You know, honey, that
we, we can't do that.
After all, they
are our children!
(funky 60s music)
(footsteps)
(carousel music starts)
(music starts again)
(slapstick musical interlude)
(bump)
(crash)
- It is I, my little spitfire!
(frogs chirp)
Casanova!
My heart is aflame for you.
- Oh poor Casanova!
(water splashes)
- Ahh!
Ahh!
(thud)
(glass breaks)
- You don't love me anymore!
- Now quiet Igor, quiet.
- (babbles)
- Quiet, quiet.
- (babbles)
- Now I am your father.
- (babbles)
(beeping)
- And the lightning
is your mother.
- (babbles)
(thunder cracks) (beeping)
- Tsk. Nag, nag, nag.
- Meanwhile, back at the
Burbank Light Opera Company,
Brunhilda turns to
Wolfgang and whispers:
(singing in scat
with kazoos buzzing)
(old-fashioned
fire alarm blares)
(rimshot)
- You know, if Kate Smith
started a freight company,
that'd haul fishing bait
and California dates,
and the service was good,
it would probably be
called "Kate's Great Bait
and Date Freight."
But if deliveries were
late, then Kate would have
to lower the rate.
And then everyone would
have to wait for Kate's Late
Great Low Brait
Bait and Date Freight!
- My friends, we are
gathered here today to pay our
last respects for
a dear old friend.
A man who was loved
by all who knew him.
A man who gave fully of
himself, throughout a long
and a meaningful life.
A man, who everyone
who knew him, was proud
to call my friend.
A man who, as he...
Hey wait a minute,
I know this guy!
(lively 60s music)
- You know, the Russians
must really love Czechoslovakia.
Look how many are staying there!
(lively 60s music)
- Listen, those Canadian
Air Force exercises
almost killed me!
I was doing push-ups,
and fell off the wing.
- Well since I started
weightlifting, those big guys
at the beach don't kick
sand in my face anymore.
They hit me with
driftwood... hurts.
(lively 60s music)
- Oh I heard those
Everett Dirksen records.
With a voice like that,
he oughta go into politics!
(lively 60s music)
- Am I the first girl
you ever kissed?
- Mmm, I don't know.
Were you under a bridge
in San Diego in 1939?
(lively 60s music)
(cup clinks saucer)
- The proverb, "An eye for
an eye and a tooth for a tooth,"
has nothing to do
with transplants.
(lively 60s music)
- They have police
brutality, even in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Last week, a drunk
fell on their cop.
(lively 60s music)
- You know, I just love
an outdoor man. (guffaws)
I just hope my indoor man
doesn't find out! (guffaws)
(lively 60s music)
- We don't want you Yankees
sayin' we're not progressive,
so our local klan has just
organized a Negro auxiliary.
(lively 60s music)
- Last night I went to a party
where there were three men
to every woman.
The girl next to me had six.
(lively 60s music)
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden,
and the fascinating way
in which she house-broke
the shah's puppy.
It is a goodie.
(lively 60s music)
- You know, I think there's
hope, for the way music's going.
I was listening to the
radio the other day,
and I distinctly heard a lyric!
(lively 60s music)
- Like to wish a happy
1969 to our new president.
And to all of you who
didn't vote for him,
happy 1973!
(lively 60s music)
(audience claps)
- Now I'd like to sing, "Just
Like Washington Crossed
the Delaware, General
Pershing Will Cross the Rhine."
They don't write
songs like that anymore.
- Uh hello, police?
Yeah I hate to complain,
but there's a weirdo in a dress,
who keeps ringing my chimes,
and claiming he's an Avon lady.
- He pushed me!
He pushed me!
- (imitating John Wayne)
Well sir, in my last picture,
I shot 41 people,
37 Indians, a director
and a producer,
and a hairdresser I
wasn't too crazy about.
(slapstick musical interlude)
(crunches)
(typewriter clacks and dings)
(water sprays)
(objects clatter)
(tray crashes)
- Who is there?
- It is I, my petite
bonbon, (frogs chirp)
Casanova, the great lover.
Give me a token of
your feelings for me.
- All right! Here!
(thud)
- Ahh!
(cartoon falling sound)
(crashes)
- You know, Igor, looking
at you standing there,
I think I'm getting
a hunch. Heh.
(beeping)
- (babbling)
- Time now for Laugh-In's
Discovery of the Week.
- Ladies and gentlemen, the
fabulous Brothers LeGarde.
(audience claps)
(whip snapping)
(whip pops)
- Ugh!
- Oh!
- Hey boy I'll bet that smarts.
- You think he's sore?
- Oh I know he's sore!
- Ooh.
- And now folks, it's
definitely Sock It To Me time!
(thud and whistle)
- Due to the recent
death of my pet goldfish,
you are cordially invited
over Sunday evening,
to a combination wake and
fish fry. (laughs maniacally)
I fooled ya! (laughs maniacally)
Was that funny? Ha ha ha!
(water splashes)
Aaah!! Whooo! Hurt! (laughs)
(thud)
(piano intro)
- (singing) You always
hurt the one you love,
the one you
shouldn't hurt... (thud)
- (kissing sounds)
- Hi Jack.
- Hi Jill. Let's go up the hill.
- I told you before,
I'm not that kinda girl!
You (grumbles)!
(smacking)
- I'm a better person for that.
- I am the world's
greatest human fly!
- (laughing maniacally)
(smacks) Whoo! A ha ha!
(spoon in bowl clinking)
(birds chirping)
- Are you little Miss Muffet?
- Yes I am!
- (laughs haughtily)
- Is that your tuffet
you're sitting on?
- Yes it is!
- (laughs haughtily)
- Well you've missed
your last three payments.
(piano intro)
- (singing) I want to go home,
to Rome, my Italian
sp... (garbled)!
(buzzing)
- Allo, allo! NBC!
Beautiful downtown Burbank!
Where can you reach
the Laugh-In cast?
Well tonight you'll find them
in the Burbank Hospital's
Walking Wounded Ward.
- I would like to do a
short tribute to Burbank.
(singing) Ta-dum!
- I went to the Burbank
Public Library the other day,
but their book was out.
- You know you really have
to give the Laugh-In credit.
They took an obscure
little town like Burbank,
and in a few short weeks,
they drove it
right in the ground.
- Well I don't think it's
fair to run down Burbank.
I've seen Burbank, and
it's run-down enough!
- Uh, information?
Yeah listen, I'm in
beautiful downtown Burbank.
Can you give me an outside line?
Yes, I'd like to call America.
(kazoo buzzes)
- (sings in scat)
- (singing) Bored!
(crashes)
(single high-pitched
clarinet note)
(crashes)
(lively slapstick music)
(clicking)
(thud)
(typewriter clacks)
(thuds)
(crashes)
- (babbles)
- Oh no.
No I've told you before,
you cannot have a new bippy!
- (grumbles)
(short musical clip)
(train whistle)
- And now,
(tambourine shakes)
to end a bad year,
on a bad note, here's the news.
(rhythmically) One,
and a two, and a...
(kazoos buzzing)
- (men singing)
(mumbling) the nation,
we give out the information,
in a way we hope will amuse you,
We'd just love
give you our new...
- (women shriek) La da dee da!
- (men shrieking)
Sing and dance,
laughing up to the news!
- (women singing)
Good evening men!
(audience laughs and claps)
- Now for the
news of the present.
Here's the man to whom the news,
wouldn't be the news
without the news:
Heeeeere's Dicky!
(audience claps)
(short musical game show intro)
(audience claps)
- New York.
The United States
today condemned
guerrilla warfare in Africa,
on the grounds that the
Africans are using real gorillas.
Washington, D.C.
Air Force officials today once
again denied the existence
of flying saucers, and
added, "Besides, in six months,
we'll have some
better than theirs."
Meanwhile, in New York City,
the air traffic problem
came to a head today,
when three major airlines
appealed to passengers,
to hijack their planes
and fly them to Cuba,
so they could land!
Take it away, Goldie!
(drumroll)
- And now, feel the
multi-faceted electronic genius
of advanced television
technology (giggles),
we transmit an instantaneous
tele-transmission
Of the news of the
future! (giggles)
- Oh, terrific Goldie! (mumbles)
- Thank you!
(single note plays)
- Her proudest moment.
Cairo 1988.
At the 30th anniversary of
the United Arab Republic,
President Nasser today reviewed
a massive parade of troops,
and was overheard to say,
"What are all these
Israelis doing in Cairo?"
California 1988.
Racial discrimination
was finally eliminated
in Los Angeles today, when
the smog became so dense,
that it was impossible to
determine anyone's color.
1988, twenty years from now.
Secretary of the
Interior, Gomer Pyle,
Today claimed that people
are overreacting to the threat
of earthquakes.
Secretary Gomer Pyle's
statement was released from his
home in Topeka, Kansas,
on the shores of
the Pacific Ocean.
- Skating right along,
here's Alan Sues,
with the sports report.
(marching band musical intro)
- Hi. Big Al here.
(rings bell)
Featurette.
(rings bell)
Hockey, hockey, hockey.
Today, the L.A. Kings were
purchased by Steve McQueen.
They will be known
as "McQueen's Kings."
The poor gay blades
can't make up their mind
whether to wear
helmets, crowns, or tiaras.
All I say is, "God
save McQueen!"
Is that dirty?
Think about it. Ta-ta! (kissing)
- That's what this show needs:
more biting satire!
- In recent weeks, Laugh-In
News has taken you back
hundreds, even thousands
of years into history,
for News of the Past.
Tonight, Laugh-In takes
you back for an instant replay
of the biggest single
mistake in the year that
is just ending.
- And the winner is... are.
- Who cares?
- The winners are: Paul
Keyes, Hugh Wedlock...
(audience claps and cheers)
Alan Manings, Chris
Bearde, David Panich,
Phil Hahn, Jack
"Haranahan" (laughs),
Coslough Johnson, Marc
London, and Digby Wolfe!
(audience cheers)
- The name is "Hanrahan" dummy.
- Will ya line up?
We gotta be in
the truck by Friday.
Let the rabbi talk.
- Sorry!
I'm sorry we couldn't
all be here tonight,
but it's lovely anyway.
- We've gotta stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold is
getting suspicious.
(audience laughs and claps)
- We all thank, we all
thank George and Ed,
and the two guys who made
all this, whole show possible.
Olsen and Johnson, thank you.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Quite a night.
- Yeah it sure was.
How many did we get altogether?
- Well let's see, I got it.
Our (hiccup sound
effect) film editor got it,
CFG got it of course,
all of our writers got it.
- Hey you know sumpin'?
I think I got it too.
- (Laughs) Well at least the
whole world knows that we
got it from Don Rickles.
- Rickles and the "Flying Nun."
- And now Laugh-In News
looks at the latest health fad,
jogging.
Which may not be as
healthy as it sounds.
(birds chirping)
(band plays "Flight
of the Bumblebees")
- Anything wrong sir?
- No, just jogging.
Keeping in shape, officer.
- Oh! (laughs) That's
what we like to see, good!
(birds chirping)
(footsteps approaching)
- Hey boy!
Where you goin'?
- Just jogging to
keep in shape, officer.
- Ohh, don't give me that stuff!
You're runnin' away
from some crime!
You're comin' with me!
(slapstick musical interlude)
(fire alarms)
- (grunting)
- Huh? What did he say?
- (babbling)
- Good heavens.
Why didn't you tell me that
before I got you all wrapped up?
(short musical interlude)
(lively band music)
(door opens)
(door shuts)
(typewriter clacks)
- Oh!
(inaudible chatter)
(cartoon clunking sound)
(cartoon falling sound)
- My little gumdrop!
It is I, Casanova.
Is your husband
out of the house?
- Yes he is out of the house.
- Ah! Where?
- He's here, right
on the balcony!
- Aaah! Ha ha.
(crash)
- (babbling)
- Alright Igor, alright,
I'll tell you once again.
Now I started as a child,
with a Tinker Toy set.
In fact, the first three
times I made the monster,
he came out a ferris wheel.
(kazoos buzzing)
- (singing) Ta-da ta, ta-da,
Ta-da ta, ta-da,
Ta-da ta, ta-da, taaa!
(ship horn sounds)
(violin crashes)
(violin crashes)
- When we last left Billy
and Betty, they were tied
to the guide rail of
a giant hummingbird.
As we pick up our
story, Captain Midnight,
after successfully
escaping from the cave
of the man-eating beaver,
softly utters these words:
(beeping)
- Hey man, whaddaya
eatin' that beaver for?
- (mumbles) 'Cause
it's good for me.
(heralding musical interlude)
- But seriously, folks,
it's time once again
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award.
- Oh, it's better than that.
Tonight, we're giving
the Flying Fickle Finger
of the Year award.
- How right you are.
And it was a very
close struggle.
- (laughs)
- The award for
eight balls of the year,
must go to Soviet Russia.
- Yeah they beat out Congress,
and Mayor Daley, huh?
- But not without
a tough fight, boy.
- Well what exactly was it
that won for the good Russians?
- Well it was their
great love of freedom.
- Mmm. Mmm hmm.
- You see, in fact,
the Russians are such
a freedom-loving people,
that they wanted all
the freedom they
could get their hands on,
so they took
Czechoslovakia's too.
- Huh. Boy!
Here ya go, fellas,
to Russia, with love.
You sure earned it the hard way.
(cracking)
(short musical interlude)
- "Solomon Grundy,"
by Henry Gibson.
(rhythmically) "Solomon
Grundy, born on Monday;
went to school Tuesday;
grew a beard Wednesday;
expelled on Thursday;
protested on Friday;
arrested on Saturday;
drafted on Sunday;
and this was the end
of Solomon Grundy."
- Ah! Here's to the
good ole washboard,
a noble household helper.
(bird chirping)
It made you get
closer to your clothes.
And though its toughness may
have broken your fingernails,
it never let you down.
Also, it could be
used to clobber
the overly-romantic gas man!
So, I say, let's have a
cheer for the hard-working,
hard-hitting washboard!
Yaaayyy!!!
- Hi cutie. (cane
hits metal tub)
(cartoon boing sound)
I'll go down and play
with the jungle gym.
- Now that's funny!
- Are you starting up again?
(cane strikes ground)
(lively musical interlude)
(thud)
(cartoon falling noise)
(typewriter clacks and dings)
(thud and crash)
- Alright, come on.
Come on over here!
Come here.
Now you listen to me.
I heard that last night
you went into the village
and you burned several
cottages and you wrecked the
town hall, you
murdered 12 peasants,
and you hanged the mayor.
- (chuckles)
- Now, I like a good joke
as well as the next man.
- (chuckles)
- But this is
getting out of hand.
- (chuckles)
(hitting hand)
(kazoos buzzing)
- (singing in scat)
Ree-da, beep beh da,
ree-dee beep ba dop,
ree-dee beep ba dop...
(gong bangs)
(triangle crashes)
- In spite of the heckling,
he continued with his concert.
(audience laughs loudly)
(violin crashes)
(players crash)
(short musical interlude)
(squeaking)
(group tapping)
- (singing) Another opening,
and another shooow!!
- (group singing) Ohhhh yeahhh!
(thuds)
- (unintelligible cries)
- Well with that nice,
neat finish, I guess it's time
to say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, good
day, good morning,
goodbye Dick.
- Good night, Lucy.
- Oh, and we're startin'
the new year off with a show
that is going to
curl your hair lip.
- Speaking of New Year's
Eve, I was wonderin' if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once told me.
- Something about
New Year's Eve?
- Well kind of, yes.
- I see.
- She was caught on a,
on an old freighter,
with 14 Norwegian fishermen,
During a typhoon. (laughs)
- She certainly
leads an exciting life!
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she got ashore
would be of interest.
- Oh she made it alright?
- Yeah!
- What'd she have to say?
- Well, she'd been at sea with
the 14 Norwegian fishermen
for so long, when
she got off she said,
(phrase in Norwegian).
- Does he know Arte Johnson?
- (laughs) No!
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience claps)
(musical finale)
(panels open)
- Chelsea, did you know a
single germ can infect 300 people?
- Wow, imagine what a
married germ could do! Oh!
(panels close)
- Now I have no objection
to Muhammad Ali,
but I wouldn't want
my sister to fight him.
(panels close)
- Hey Kate... (thuds)
Have you seen my t-shirt?
- No, where's it playing?
- Oh you're killing me.
(panel closes)
(panels open)
- Haven't I seen your
face someplace else?
- No, it's always been
right here, where it is now.
- Oh.
(panels open)
- Hey, you know what?
My boyfriend and I went
for a drive in the country.
And you know what else?
- [Man] What?
- You can't make any time
on those old back roads!
(panels close)
- Ya can if you park!
(laughs maniacally)
- (babbles in foreign language)
(panel closes)
- (thuds) My kingdom
for a horse! (thuds)
- What's a horse?
- I've changed my mind.
Your whole kingdom
is worth a horse.
(panels close)
- (babbles in foreign language)
- Ah yeah.
(panels close)
- I can't stand my boyfriend.
- Why not, Goldie?
- He keeps falling over.
- You know, I like a dumb
joke, every once in a while.
But this isn't the once
in a while! (guffaws)
(panel shuts)
- If you took all the kilts
in the world, and laid them
end-to-end, you'd have
a lot of naked Scotsmen.
- (babbles in foreign language)
- Bang bang, you're
dead. (clicks tongue)
(panels open)
- You're out of your mind!
Your finger's not even loaded!
(thuds)
- They're calling Spiro
Agnew on Capitol Hill?
- No.
- Zorba the Veep.
(thuds)
- I just learned of something
new for people who can't
digest hot dogs!
Bicarbonate of mustard!
(panels shut)
- My uncle is the
meanest man in the world.
He just bought 12
homing pigeons.
Then he moved. Tut tut!
- (yelling) Oh! There's a pink
anteater in my dressing room!
- Oh well don't just
stand there, Katie,
go out and find some
pink ants! (slaps)
- Alright!
(panels shut)
- Look, is that a crowd
gathering on the street?
- (laughing) No, dummy!
That's your finger!
- Joanne, Jonathan's
a ding-a-long!
- No, no, no, Goldie.
It's "ding-a-ling," you silly
blonde lady! (laughs)
(panels shut)
- My mother says I'm
too young to go dating.
However, I can go prune-ing,
and olive-ing, and raisin-ing.
I can even go out with a fig!
(panel closes)
- Well, there's another
dried fruit joke! (laughs)
- (babbles in foreign language)
(slapstick musical interlude)
(crashes)
(typewriter clacks)
(scratching)
(cartoon falling sound)
(inaudible chatting)
(thuds)
(crying)
(footsteps approaching)
- No, no. No! Ugh!
(beeping)
(frogs chirping)
- It is I, my little
muffin, Casanova.
Oh love of my life,
oh light of my day,
your nearness makes
my soul explode (gasps),
with a thousand sighs!
How do you feel, my beloved?
- Bored.
- Aaah!!
(crashes, glass breaking)
- This show has
been pre-recorded.
Mainly, because we spent
a whole bunch of money
on the pre-recording equipment.
(leaves rustling)
- (in foreign accent)
Very eenteresting.
Oh, by the way,
happy New Year, Luthy,
and Max Dillon,
and whatever it is there on ABC.
(mumbles)
(percussion effects)
(clapping)
(NBC theme notes)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Kate Smith.
Hi Kate.
- I'm not Kate.
- (singing) And
that's our shoooow
for toniiiiight!
- (group singing) Ohhhh yeahhh!!
(material falls)
(confused shouting)
- There is no big finish, folk.
(thump)
(lively band music)
(typewriter clacks)
(typewriter clunks)
(cartoon whizzing)
(shrieks)
- April Fool!
(tray crashes)
(frogs chirping)
- My little cupcake,
'tis I, Casanova.
- Quickly! My husband
has just returned!
- Where is he?
- He's downstairs,
pulling on that vine!
- Oh!
(crashes)
- (grunts unintelligibly)
- Alright.
Alright, alright, we'll
go on the picnic later!
- (grunts)
What I want, Igor, is to
create a creature ten feet tall,
with a brain of a criminal,
and the strength of a gorilla,
and yet likable.
- (grunts unintelligibly)
(kissing sounds)
- (singing) I feel
a song comin' on!
(taps cane)
And it's melody's
full of the laughter
of children - (babbles)
and after the rain.
- You've got a
lovely voice, cutie.
Anyone ever tell you that?
(smacks)
I think I'll go down
to the swings.
- And now from the Burbank
Municipal Typewriter Repair Shop
and Bulgarian Tap
Dancing Emporium,
NBC proudly presents:
(lively music starts)
Rowan and Martin's Thing!
Starring Dan Rowan,
(audience claps)
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars: Kate Smith,
Vincent Price,
and Rich Little.
And Judy Carne, (audience claps)
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
Dick Whittington,
and Jo Anne Worley.
And Chelsea Brown, Jack Riley,
and yours truly, Gary Owens, and
Morgul as the Friendly Drelb.
(kazoos buzz)
(strings play funny notes)
- (singing in scat)
Sha-de-bop, biddy bop ba!
(cymbals crash)
(musicians and
instruments crash)
(guffaws)
- Now the exciting
conclusion of tonight's movie,
"The Wolfman Goes Hawaiian."
- Ladies and gentlemen, the
entire voice of Miss Kate Smith.
(audience claps)
- (singing) When
the moon comes over
the mountain,
(frogs chirping)
then it's ti-ime for Di-ick
and Daaaan!
(set breaks and collapses)
(lively band music)
(audience claps)
- Welcome tonight's fans.
Hey, here we are, the
last show of the year.
- Yeah, that's about
it for another year,
and well, I guess
have a nice summer,
and we'll all be back...
- Wait a minute ya ding-a-ling.
It's not the last
show of the year.
I mean it's the end of 1968.
We still got 13
more shows to do.
- See, I told you
we'd all be back.
- Yep.
Here we are back again,
and it's the beginning
of a new year.
- Yeah.
- Ring in the new,
ring out the old.
- I do that every night.
- You do what every night?
- Ring my chimes.
- Forget about your doorbell.
Why don't you, do you ever think
about sittin' down, and
giving your carefree life
some serious thought?
- You bet your sweet bippy I do!
- Yeah, well I'm
glad to hear that. Boy.
- If you had my life to
live, you'd wanna think
about it too!
- I don't think so.
Incidentally, Adriana and I
are gonna have a few friends in,
we're gonna celebrate New
Year's Eve, just like you to know,
you're more than welcome.
- Eh, I think I'll have a
quiet celebration of my own.
- Gonna be home?
- No, I'll be at
the Playboy Club.
- Why don't you ever
do somethin' different?
- You got somethin'
goin' I don't know about?
- No, no. You know, a lot
of people make resolutions
on New Year's Eve.
- Who?
Who?
- Not, not who, what?
- Oh, what what?
- They make resolutions!
- You son of a gun, you
have got somethin' goin' on!
- Why don't you make
a few resolutions.
Start out the new year,
just like a new man.
- Mmm hmm!
- Just think of 1968 as
water under the bridge.
- How's that?
- Water under the bridge.
- Good. As long as
you're under the bridge,
make mine scotch and water.
- Alright, speaking of a party,
why don't you come along?
- I thought you'd never ask!
- You're invited.
(audience laughs and claps)
(lively 60s music)
- Oh boy, New Year's
Eve in California is great!
Back east, it's snowing so hard,
you can't even see the smog!
- [Dan] (laughs)
(lively 60s music)
- You know, Kate, I
love the way you sing
"God Bless America."
But you know, the
way things are goin',
maybe you oughta change
it to "God Help America."
(lively 60s music)
- Gee New Year's Eve is fun!
We oughta make
it an annual event!
(lively 60s music)
- My niece got a doll for
Christmas, and you wouldn't bel...
If they get any more
realistic, they're gonna have
to take them out of the
toy department next year,
and put 'em in sporting goods.
(lively 60s music)
- You know, I hate to see
this leap year come to an end.
I got five good leaps
left! (laughs maniacally)
(lively 60s music)
- (with Indian accent)
In the eastern countries,
the coming year is known
as the Year of the Fish.
What a sadness.
I have just learned
to dance the monkey!
- You know, in Bangkok,
the monkey is very sacred.
- Oh yes.
- Just like the poodle
is in Beverly Hills.
Think about it.
(lively 60s music)
- This is the year
to forgive and forget.
I'd like to forgive
George Wallace,
send him to Africa,
and then forget him!
(lively 60s music)
- This New Year's Eve, we
should spend a quiet evening
at home.
- Okay, I won't
scream if you won't.
(lively 60s music)
(cup clinks saucer)
- This New Year's Eve,
everyone should attend
midnight service.
After all, where else can
you get a ringside seat,
without a $10 tip?
(lively 60s music)
- This year, I resolve to
stop chasin' after every
Tom, Dick, and Harry,
and zero-in on dick.
(lively 60s music)
- (with Southern accent)
Down on the plantation,
I treated all my black
help to a white Christmas.
Gave 'em each a sack
and turned 'em loose
in the cotton field.
(lively 60s music)
- Kate I hope you like the
Christmas gift I sent you.
- Oh I just love it, it's
just what I wanted, Dick!
A plastic bippy!
(lively 60s music)
- (with British accent) This
year, I resolve to improve
Anglo-American relations.
Yeah Dave, you know
any good-lookin' Anglos?
(audience laughs and
applauds) (lively 60s music)
- And now we return
to "Bells of Broadway,"
Already in progress.
No smoking please.
- You mean just a
simple little blue pill?
- And how does that grab
you (gasps and snorts),
pill lovers?
(hums) (gentle flute music)
- With a powerhouse wrapper
The one you can call your own.
Bo boop boo boo doo.
(taps cane)
Wanna call me "sweetheart?"
(smacks)
Wanna call me "honey bun?"
(smacks)
You wanna call me a ambulance?
(falls)
(lively band music)
(thuds)
(typewriter clacks)
- Ah, in my answer
to this letter, I'd like
to have 70 copies
on this, alright?
Uhh, (typewriter slides)
my trip to... (thunk)
(cartoon boinging)
- (laughs)
(crashing)
- (sighs) 70 copies!
(door bumps open)
(tray crashes)
(frogs chirping)
- Who is it? Who's there?
- It is I, my little Walnetto,
Casanova, the great lover.
Say something meaningful.
- Alright. The
vines are rottenin'!
(vines creaking)
- Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!
(crashing, glass breaking)
- (grunting)
- Stop that!
Stop that now, now.
Look what I want, I want
you to get me some brains,
and a laaarge
kidney, and some liver.
Yes.
- (grunts)
Then I want you to
go across the road,
and get me some
cornflakes and mayonnaise.
Right?
- Blech.
- Thank you.
(kazoos buzz)
- (scat singing)
- (fires starter pistol)
(violin crashes)
(thud)
(men crash to floor)
- Well ladies and
gentlemen, as you all know,
1968 was a very
exciting election year.
- No kidding?
I'm sorry I missed that.
- You missed what, the campaign?
- No, 1968.
- Well we can't bring it all
back, but we'd like to take
a few minutes to look back
at the 1968 political campaign
and just sort of,
hit the high spots.
- I'll drink to that!
(patriotic band music)
- (with Southern accent)
My fellow Americans,
it is with a heavy heart,
that I must announce
to you I will seek
no further reelection.
- Yippee! Zip-a-dee-doo!
Yip-ee-doo! (chuckles)
- That's really
disgusting, Hubert.
- (imitating) I'm
Nelson Rockefeller,
and I'm not a candidate either.
- (imitating) I'm George Romney,
and I'm in this race
to the bitter end.
- (imitating) Well I'm
Ronald Reagan, and as I said
in California, New York,
and Florida, I'm not interested
in the presidency, unless
of course, you insist.
- (imitating) George
Romney again.
I just washed my brain
and I can't do a thing with it.
But I'm still in this
race to the bitter end!
- (imitating) Unless
of course, you insist.
- (imitating) And I'm Nelson
Rockefeller, and since you
put it that way,
maybe I'll run after all.
- (imitating) I'm George
Romney, and I see by the polls
that this is the bitter end.
I quit!
- (imitating) Rocky again.
That settles it, I'm
definitely and irreversibly,
thinking about running.
- (imitating) I'm
George Wallace,
and I will march over
anybody, at any time.
To achieve a just,
honorable, (pounds)
white society.
- You had your chance,
Hubert, and you blew it.
- (imitating) I'm Gene McCarthy,
and Chicago's a
nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't wanna
campaign there.
- (imitating) I would just
like to say, (clicks tongue),
Uhhhh...
- (imitating) I'm Mayor Daley.
Now you may not like
the way I run a convention,
then again, who remembers
the mayor of Miami?
- (imitating) Well I'm
Hubert Humphrey, and golly,
I'm just as pleased as
punch that I'm making
the decisions now.
Okay with you, Lyndon?
- Hubert, will you hush?
- (imitating) Well
I'm Richard Nixon.
And I have nothing
to say, on any issue,
until after the election.
- (imitating) I'm
Spiro Agnew, and I...
- (imitating) He has
nothing to say, on any issue,
until after the election.
- (imitating) I'm Ed
Muskie, and I think I'm lost.
- (imitating) Yeah,
well I'm General LeMay.
(chuckles slowly)
If we're elected, George
Wallace will eliminate
all our domestic problems,
and I'll eliminate
everything else.
(chuckles slowly)
- (imitating) Will
somebody please insist?
- Well Dick, that
was campaign '68.
- Hey, we forgot Lester Maddox!
- Well so did the
rest of the country.
But there was one statement
by a presidential candidate
with such social significance
that it affected the outcome
of the entire election.
Sir, would you repeat that
statement for us tonight?
(crowd cheering)
- Sock it to 'em!
Sock it to 'em!
- Many have asked me how
I will spend my leisure time
after I leave the
highest office in our land.
Some of it will be hunting.
I've asked Curtis LeMay
to join me at my ranch,
for a weekend of
bombing pheasants.
- That's another no-no.
(lively 60s music)
(water dripping)
(typewriter clacks)
(paper scrolls)
(paper tears)
(paper scrolls)
(trays crash)
(door closes)
(machines beeping)
(chuckling)
(whizzing and buzzing)
(radio frequency picks up
"The Star Spangled Banner")
(slapstick musical interlude)
(flute plays single note)
- [Announcer]
Stranger Than Truth.
- For years, little Jeanne
Bigger dreamed of starring
in a Broadway show.
But she was relegated to
dancing in the chorus line.
And then came the
show that changed little
Jeanne Bigger's life.
The star wasn't quite
right for the part that was
tailor-made for little
Jeanne, who was still working
in the chorus line.
And then it happened.
As the star was walking
onstage for the first number,
a sudden crash was heard.
A single voice cried out:
"It's my leg! I can't go on!"
Quickly, the director
pushed through the crowd,
and gazed down at
the crumpled form.
"I think she's broken
her leg, kids," he said.
"But let's not lose our heads.
"Thank goodness it's
only little Jeanne Bigger."
(lively slapstick music)
(doors close)
(typewriter clacks)
(paper crumples)
(crashes)
(beeping)
- Oh now, now. Stop it, stop it!
Put the flute away, Igor.
The Sullivan show is
looking for a trampoline act.
- (babbling)
- (slaps)
- If Bill Dano married Dana
Winter, and divorced her,
and married Lana Turner,
and divorced her, and married
Lainie Kazan, and divorced her,
And married Nina Foch,
would could he get to patch
things up with Dana Winter?
- If Lena Horne married
Mr. Hardart, they would open
an automat.
Nah, let's don't do that one.
If LBJ showed Lena
Horne his cattle ranch,
he'd be taking the
Horne by the bulls.
Let's don't do that one either.
If Shirley Temple married
Victor Emmanuel, she'd be
Mrs. Temple Emmanuel. (laughs)
If Theresa Wright
married William F. Buckley,
and then divorced him,
the whole world would know
she'd rather be
Wright, than Buckley.
- If Tess Trueheart
married Gene Lockhart,
and divorced him, and
married Bob Newhart,
and divorced him and
married George Burns,
she'd be Tess Trueheart
Lockhart Newhart Burns.
- If Tommy and Dicky
Smothers merged with King Kong,
they'd be known as Tom, Dick,
and exceedingly (laughs) hairy!
(kazoos buzz)
- (sings in scat style)
(boat horn sounds)
(violin crashes to floor)
(violins crash to floor)
- Tonight we're going to
look at the battle of the sexes.
- Huh. Wish I woulda
got tickets for that.
Who won?
- We're going to look
at man and woman.
- Oh I know which
one I'm gonna look at.
- Alright, he said earnestly.
Tell me, how do
you look at women?
- Oh sometimes like
this, sometimes like that.
- Oh, oh that Henny Youngman.
- Be that as it may,
behind every great man,
there is a woman.
- Well, if he had any
sense, he'd turn around
and enjoy the view!
- I'm talking about a
face-to-face confrontation
between man and woman.
- I thought you said
she was behind him?
- Just a figure of speech, sir.
- Well with a figure like that,
why bother with all
the speech? (laughs)
- Look, we're going to
examine the difference
between man and woman.
Now what do you say to that?
- (with French accent)
Vive la difference!
- Oh that Henny Youngman!
- We're going to strip
away the pretentions
and all the false fronts.
- Yeah, baby!
- And we're going to
look at the bare facts.
- Yeah, baby!
- And the naked truth.
- (in granny voice) And we'll
all be better persons for it.
- And while I'm calming
what's-his-name down, folks,
Mod Mod World is gonna
take a look at man and woman.
(do-wop music)
- (singing) He is a guy
from New York City.
- (singing) She is
a girl from old LA.
- (singing) He is a
guy who likes to study.
- (singing) She is a
chick who likes to play.
- (singing) He has
a college education.
- (singing) She gets
her ABCs all wrong.
- But... (singing) somehow
we try to get along.
- (singing) He bought a
home in downtown Burbank.
- (singing and tapping) She
made us move to Hollywood.
- (singing and tapping) He
likes to talk in broken Polish.
- (singing and tapping)
She thinks her phone
in French is good.
- (singing) He doesn't
know his left from right foot!
- (singing) She likes to
dance from dusk 'til dawn.
- (pair sings in unison) But
somehow we try to get along!
- (quartet sings in unison)
This battle of the sexes,
from Maine to Fort Worth, Texas,
by now the world
suspects is, all wrong!
- (singing) But
everyone does it!
- He's always voted democratic.
- She's always voted GOP.
- He has a thing
(scoffs) for Edward Albee.
- (singing slowly) She
has a yen for Tennessee.
- He sees a mess,
and tries to cool it.
- (singing slowly) She
always has to come on strong.
- (in unison) But somehow,
we try to get along.
- (quartet singing)
Our physical attraction,
bring loads of satisfaction.
But someday when
the action is gone...
- But whaddaya do then?
- (singing) She likes
to watch her television.
- (singing) He sees
a movie every night.
- (singing) She takes
the line of least resistance.
- (singing) He digs a
good old-fashioned fight.
- (singing) She has the
need for peace and quiet.
- (singing) He has to
sing some noisy song!
(ejects toaster)
- (pair singing in unison)
Somehow we try to get along!
- (group singing in unison)
Who knows if whether,
boys and girls belong together.
Somehow they try to get along!
- It's wrong!
- (group singing in unison) But
somehow we try to get along!
(audience claps)
(funky 60s music)
- (singing) You always
hurt the one you love.
Hai! (cracks whip)
(laughs maniacally)
(cracks whip)
That's wild!
(cracks whip)
(funky 60s music)
- In the battle of the sexes,
I spend most of my time
behind enemy lines.
- C'mon! Sadie, did you know
that Joan's husband, Fred,
has been seeing Irene?
- You mean Irving's wife, Irene?
(claps) Well, look.
I know for a fact that
Irving has just started
seeing Phyllis, George's wife.
- (gasps) Oh! Well that figures!
You see, I saw Frank at the
party with Margaret Turnball,
who used to go with
Alice's husband, John.
- The doctor?
- Right.
- (claps) Oh, why
he still has a thing
going with the
pharmacist's wife, Sally!
- Wait a minute!
Now wait a minute.
If Fred is seeing Irene,
and Irving is seeing Phyllis,
and Frank is going
with Margaret,
and the doctor is
going with Sally,
do you know what that means?
- No.
- That means that
we've been having affairs
with our own husbands!
- Oh you're kidding!
- Would I kid about
something like that?!
Think back, what
did he look like?
Tall, big-shouldered,
gorgeous brown rascal?
Right?
- Yeah! (claps)
That's the one!
It's boring!
- I know!
I'm telling you!
- That's what this show needs:
more social comment.
- I know a man who
met his wife at a love-in,
but luckily he got away
before she saw him.
(funky 60s music)
- If computer
dating works so well,
how come the chief
programmer fools around
with his secretary?
- And now we take you
once again to the famous
Laugh-In Robot Theatre.
(moves rattle)
- That's mine, you know.
- Wanna see my
rattle? (shakes rattle)
(snake charmer flute
music) (footsteps)
- Oh Abdul, you are so exciting.
You have swept me
away in a tide of passion.
(thud)
- Ha ha ha!
My flower of desire.
Desire a tea?
- Yes, oh Desert King.
- Here.
(liquid pours)
- You know, if my
husband (teapot thuds)
knew of our love,
(laughs) he would kill us.
- (laughs) Relax, my darling.
Here, let me (laughs)
take your cloak.
(cloth rips)
- Thank you.
- In the battle of the
sexes, Christine Jorgensen
represents the
demilitarized zone. (laughs)
- If man really wants to
dominate his marriage,
the first thing he should do
is get his wife's permission,
for heaven's sake!
(guffaws)
(funky 60s music)
- I tell ya honey, I just
don't like those two.
- Well after all, will
you tell me why not?
They're not so
bad! (bird tweets)
- Oh yes they are.
One, he's sneaky.
- [Woman] (tsks) Oh...
- He's a liar.
- [Woman] (tsks)
- For her, she's
affected and insincere.
The worst thing about 'em is,
they're both a couple of bores.
(bird tweets)
- [Woman] (scoffs) How you talk!
- Let's not have anything
more to do with them.
- Now listen, Dan, that's
impossible (slams paper down).
You know, honey, that
we, we can't do that.
After all, they
are our children!
(funky 60s music)
(footsteps)
(carousel music starts)
(music starts again)
(slapstick musical interlude)
(bump)
(crash)
- It is I, my little spitfire!
(frogs chirp)
Casanova!
My heart is aflame for you.
- Oh poor Casanova!
(water splashes)
- Ahh!
Ahh!
(thud)
(glass breaks)
- You don't love me anymore!
- Now quiet Igor, quiet.
- (babbles)
- Quiet, quiet.
- (babbles)
- Now I am your father.
- (babbles)
(beeping)
- And the lightning
is your mother.
- (babbles)
(thunder cracks) (beeping)
- Tsk. Nag, nag, nag.
- Meanwhile, back at the
Burbank Light Opera Company,
Brunhilda turns to
Wolfgang and whispers:
(singing in scat
with kazoos buzzing)
(old-fashioned
fire alarm blares)
(rimshot)
- You know, if Kate Smith
started a freight company,
that'd haul fishing bait
and California dates,
and the service was good,
it would probably be
called "Kate's Great Bait
and Date Freight."
But if deliveries were
late, then Kate would have
to lower the rate.
And then everyone would
have to wait for Kate's Late
Great Low Brait
Bait and Date Freight!
- My friends, we are
gathered here today to pay our
last respects for
a dear old friend.
A man who was loved
by all who knew him.
A man who gave fully of
himself, throughout a long
and a meaningful life.
A man, who everyone
who knew him, was proud
to call my friend.
A man who, as he...
Hey wait a minute,
I know this guy!
(lively 60s music)
- You know, the Russians
must really love Czechoslovakia.
Look how many are staying there!
(lively 60s music)
- Listen, those Canadian
Air Force exercises
almost killed me!
I was doing push-ups,
and fell off the wing.
- Well since I started
weightlifting, those big guys
at the beach don't kick
sand in my face anymore.
They hit me with
driftwood... hurts.
(lively 60s music)
- Oh I heard those
Everett Dirksen records.
With a voice like that,
he oughta go into politics!
(lively 60s music)
- Am I the first girl
you ever kissed?
- Mmm, I don't know.
Were you under a bridge
in San Diego in 1939?
(lively 60s music)
(cup clinks saucer)
- The proverb, "An eye for
an eye and a tooth for a tooth,"
has nothing to do
with transplants.
(lively 60s music)
- They have police
brutality, even in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Last week, a drunk
fell on their cop.
(lively 60s music)
- You know, I just love
an outdoor man. (guffaws)
I just hope my indoor man
doesn't find out! (guffaws)
(lively 60s music)
- We don't want you Yankees
sayin' we're not progressive,
so our local klan has just
organized a Negro auxiliary.
(lively 60s music)
- Last night I went to a party
where there were three men
to every woman.
The girl next to me had six.
(lively 60s music)
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden,
and the fascinating way
in which she house-broke
the shah's puppy.
It is a goodie.
(lively 60s music)
- You know, I think there's
hope, for the way music's going.
I was listening to the
radio the other day,
and I distinctly heard a lyric!
(lively 60s music)
- Like to wish a happy
1969 to our new president.
And to all of you who
didn't vote for him,
happy 1973!
(lively 60s music)
(audience claps)
- Now I'd like to sing, "Just
Like Washington Crossed
the Delaware, General
Pershing Will Cross the Rhine."
They don't write
songs like that anymore.
- Uh hello, police?
Yeah I hate to complain,
but there's a weirdo in a dress,
who keeps ringing my chimes,
and claiming he's an Avon lady.
- He pushed me!
He pushed me!
- (imitating John Wayne)
Well sir, in my last picture,
I shot 41 people,
37 Indians, a director
and a producer,
and a hairdresser I
wasn't too crazy about.
(slapstick musical interlude)
(crunches)
(typewriter clacks and dings)
(water sprays)
(objects clatter)
(tray crashes)
- Who is there?
- It is I, my petite
bonbon, (frogs chirp)
Casanova, the great lover.
Give me a token of
your feelings for me.
- All right! Here!
(thud)
- Ahh!
(cartoon falling sound)
(crashes)
- You know, Igor, looking
at you standing there,
I think I'm getting
a hunch. Heh.
(beeping)
- (babbling)
- Time now for Laugh-In's
Discovery of the Week.
- Ladies and gentlemen, the
fabulous Brothers LeGarde.
(audience claps)
(whip snapping)
(whip pops)
- Ugh!
- Oh!
- Hey boy I'll bet that smarts.
- You think he's sore?
- Oh I know he's sore!
- Ooh.
- And now folks, it's
definitely Sock It To Me time!
(thud and whistle)
- Due to the recent
death of my pet goldfish,
you are cordially invited
over Sunday evening,
to a combination wake and
fish fry. (laughs maniacally)
I fooled ya! (laughs maniacally)
Was that funny? Ha ha ha!
(water splashes)
Aaah!! Whooo! Hurt! (laughs)
(thud)
(piano intro)
- (singing) You always
hurt the one you love,
the one you
shouldn't hurt... (thud)
- (kissing sounds)
- Hi Jack.
- Hi Jill. Let's go up the hill.
- I told you before,
I'm not that kinda girl!
You (grumbles)!
(smacking)
- I'm a better person for that.
- I am the world's
greatest human fly!
- (laughing maniacally)
(smacks) Whoo! A ha ha!
(spoon in bowl clinking)
(birds chirping)
- Are you little Miss Muffet?
- Yes I am!
- (laughs haughtily)
- Is that your tuffet
you're sitting on?
- Yes it is!
- (laughs haughtily)
- Well you've missed
your last three payments.
(piano intro)
- (singing) I want to go home,
to Rome, my Italian
sp... (garbled)!
(buzzing)
- Allo, allo! NBC!
Beautiful downtown Burbank!
Where can you reach
the Laugh-In cast?
Well tonight you'll find them
in the Burbank Hospital's
Walking Wounded Ward.
- I would like to do a
short tribute to Burbank.
(singing) Ta-dum!
- I went to the Burbank
Public Library the other day,
but their book was out.
- You know you really have
to give the Laugh-In credit.
They took an obscure
little town like Burbank,
and in a few short weeks,
they drove it
right in the ground.
- Well I don't think it's
fair to run down Burbank.
I've seen Burbank, and
it's run-down enough!
- Uh, information?
Yeah listen, I'm in
beautiful downtown Burbank.
Can you give me an outside line?
Yes, I'd like to call America.
(kazoo buzzes)
- (sings in scat)
- (singing) Bored!
(crashes)
(single high-pitched
clarinet note)
(crashes)
(lively slapstick music)
(clicking)
(thud)
(typewriter clacks)
(thuds)
(crashes)
- (babbles)
- Oh no.
No I've told you before,
you cannot have a new bippy!
- (grumbles)
(short musical clip)
(train whistle)
- And now,
(tambourine shakes)
to end a bad year,
on a bad note, here's the news.
(rhythmically) One,
and a two, and a...
(kazoos buzzing)
- (men singing)
(mumbling) the nation,
we give out the information,
in a way we hope will amuse you,
We'd just love
give you our new...
- (women shriek) La da dee da!
- (men shrieking)
Sing and dance,
laughing up to the news!
- (women singing)
Good evening men!
(audience laughs and claps)
- Now for the
news of the present.
Here's the man to whom the news,
wouldn't be the news
without the news:
Heeeeere's Dicky!
(audience claps)
(short musical game show intro)
(audience claps)
- New York.
The United States
today condemned
guerrilla warfare in Africa,
on the grounds that the
Africans are using real gorillas.
Washington, D.C.
Air Force officials today once
again denied the existence
of flying saucers, and
added, "Besides, in six months,
we'll have some
better than theirs."
Meanwhile, in New York City,
the air traffic problem
came to a head today,
when three major airlines
appealed to passengers,
to hijack their planes
and fly them to Cuba,
so they could land!
Take it away, Goldie!
(drumroll)
- And now, feel the
multi-faceted electronic genius
of advanced television
technology (giggles),
we transmit an instantaneous
tele-transmission
Of the news of the
future! (giggles)
- Oh, terrific Goldie! (mumbles)
- Thank you!
(single note plays)
- Her proudest moment.
Cairo 1988.
At the 30th anniversary of
the United Arab Republic,
President Nasser today reviewed
a massive parade of troops,
and was overheard to say,
"What are all these
Israelis doing in Cairo?"
California 1988.
Racial discrimination
was finally eliminated
in Los Angeles today, when
the smog became so dense,
that it was impossible to
determine anyone's color.
1988, twenty years from now.
Secretary of the
Interior, Gomer Pyle,
Today claimed that people
are overreacting to the threat
of earthquakes.
Secretary Gomer Pyle's
statement was released from his
home in Topeka, Kansas,
on the shores of
the Pacific Ocean.
- Skating right along,
here's Alan Sues,
with the sports report.
(marching band musical intro)
- Hi. Big Al here.
(rings bell)
Featurette.
(rings bell)
Hockey, hockey, hockey.
Today, the L.A. Kings were
purchased by Steve McQueen.
They will be known
as "McQueen's Kings."
The poor gay blades
can't make up their mind
whether to wear
helmets, crowns, or tiaras.
All I say is, "God
save McQueen!"
Is that dirty?
Think about it. Ta-ta! (kissing)
- That's what this show needs:
more biting satire!
- In recent weeks, Laugh-In
News has taken you back
hundreds, even thousands
of years into history,
for News of the Past.
Tonight, Laugh-In takes
you back for an instant replay
of the biggest single
mistake in the year that
is just ending.
- And the winner is... are.
- Who cares?
- The winners are: Paul
Keyes, Hugh Wedlock...
(audience claps and cheers)
Alan Manings, Chris
Bearde, David Panich,
Phil Hahn, Jack
"Haranahan" (laughs),
Coslough Johnson, Marc
London, and Digby Wolfe!
(audience cheers)
- The name is "Hanrahan" dummy.
- Will ya line up?
We gotta be in
the truck by Friday.
Let the rabbi talk.
- Sorry!
I'm sorry we couldn't
all be here tonight,
but it's lovely anyway.
- We've gotta stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold is
getting suspicious.
(audience laughs and claps)
- We all thank, we all
thank George and Ed,
and the two guys who made
all this, whole show possible.
Olsen and Johnson, thank you.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Quite a night.
- Yeah it sure was.
How many did we get altogether?
- Well let's see, I got it.
Our (hiccup sound
effect) film editor got it,
CFG got it of course,
all of our writers got it.
- Hey you know sumpin'?
I think I got it too.
- (Laughs) Well at least the
whole world knows that we
got it from Don Rickles.
- Rickles and the "Flying Nun."
- And now Laugh-In News
looks at the latest health fad,
jogging.
Which may not be as
healthy as it sounds.
(birds chirping)
(band plays "Flight
of the Bumblebees")
- Anything wrong sir?
- No, just jogging.
Keeping in shape, officer.
- Oh! (laughs) That's
what we like to see, good!
(birds chirping)
(footsteps approaching)
- Hey boy!
Where you goin'?
- Just jogging to
keep in shape, officer.
- Ohh, don't give me that stuff!
You're runnin' away
from some crime!
You're comin' with me!
(slapstick musical interlude)
(fire alarms)
- (grunting)
- Huh? What did he say?
- (babbling)
- Good heavens.
Why didn't you tell me that
before I got you all wrapped up?
(short musical interlude)
(lively band music)
(door opens)
(door shuts)
(typewriter clacks)
- Oh!
(inaudible chatter)
(cartoon clunking sound)
(cartoon falling sound)
- My little gumdrop!
It is I, Casanova.
Is your husband
out of the house?
- Yes he is out of the house.
- Ah! Where?
- He's here, right
on the balcony!
- Aaah! Ha ha.
(crash)
- (babbling)
- Alright Igor, alright,
I'll tell you once again.
Now I started as a child,
with a Tinker Toy set.
In fact, the first three
times I made the monster,
he came out a ferris wheel.
(kazoos buzzing)
- (singing) Ta-da ta, ta-da,
Ta-da ta, ta-da,
Ta-da ta, ta-da, taaa!
(ship horn sounds)
(violin crashes)
(violin crashes)
- When we last left Billy
and Betty, they were tied
to the guide rail of
a giant hummingbird.
As we pick up our
story, Captain Midnight,
after successfully
escaping from the cave
of the man-eating beaver,
softly utters these words:
(beeping)
- Hey man, whaddaya
eatin' that beaver for?
- (mumbles) 'Cause
it's good for me.
(heralding musical interlude)
- But seriously, folks,
it's time once again
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award.
- Oh, it's better than that.
Tonight, we're giving
the Flying Fickle Finger
of the Year award.
- How right you are.
And it was a very
close struggle.
- (laughs)
- The award for
eight balls of the year,
must go to Soviet Russia.
- Yeah they beat out Congress,
and Mayor Daley, huh?
- But not without
a tough fight, boy.
- Well what exactly was it
that won for the good Russians?
- Well it was their
great love of freedom.
- Mmm. Mmm hmm.
- You see, in fact,
the Russians are such
a freedom-loving people,
that they wanted all
the freedom they
could get their hands on,
so they took
Czechoslovakia's too.
- Huh. Boy!
Here ya go, fellas,
to Russia, with love.
You sure earned it the hard way.
(cracking)
(short musical interlude)
- "Solomon Grundy,"
by Henry Gibson.
(rhythmically) "Solomon
Grundy, born on Monday;
went to school Tuesday;
grew a beard Wednesday;
expelled on Thursday;
protested on Friday;
arrested on Saturday;
drafted on Sunday;
and this was the end
of Solomon Grundy."
- Ah! Here's to the
good ole washboard,
a noble household helper.
(bird chirping)
It made you get
closer to your clothes.
And though its toughness may
have broken your fingernails,
it never let you down.
Also, it could be
used to clobber
the overly-romantic gas man!
So, I say, let's have a
cheer for the hard-working,
hard-hitting washboard!
Yaaayyy!!!
- Hi cutie. (cane
hits metal tub)
(cartoon boing sound)
I'll go down and play
with the jungle gym.
- Now that's funny!
- Are you starting up again?
(cane strikes ground)
(lively musical interlude)
(thud)
(cartoon falling noise)
(typewriter clacks and dings)
(thud and crash)
- Alright, come on.
Come on over here!
Come here.
Now you listen to me.
I heard that last night
you went into the village
and you burned several
cottages and you wrecked the
town hall, you
murdered 12 peasants,
and you hanged the mayor.
- (chuckles)
- Now, I like a good joke
as well as the next man.
- (chuckles)
- But this is
getting out of hand.
- (chuckles)
(hitting hand)
(kazoos buzzing)
- (singing in scat)
Ree-da, beep beh da,
ree-dee beep ba dop,
ree-dee beep ba dop...
(gong bangs)
(triangle crashes)
- In spite of the heckling,
he continued with his concert.
(audience laughs loudly)
(violin crashes)
(players crash)
(short musical interlude)
(squeaking)
(group tapping)
- (singing) Another opening,
and another shooow!!
- (group singing) Ohhhh yeahhh!
(thuds)
- (unintelligible cries)
- Well with that nice,
neat finish, I guess it's time
to say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, good
day, good morning,
goodbye Dick.
- Good night, Lucy.
- Oh, and we're startin'
the new year off with a show
that is going to
curl your hair lip.
- Speaking of New Year's
Eve, I was wonderin' if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once told me.
- Something about
New Year's Eve?
- Well kind of, yes.
- I see.
- She was caught on a,
on an old freighter,
with 14 Norwegian fishermen,
During a typhoon. (laughs)
- She certainly
leads an exciting life!
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she got ashore
would be of interest.
- Oh she made it alright?
- Yeah!
- What'd she have to say?
- Well, she'd been at sea with
the 14 Norwegian fishermen
for so long, when
she got off she said,
(phrase in Norwegian).
- Does he know Arte Johnson?
- (laughs) No!
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience claps)
(musical finale)
(panels open)
- Chelsea, did you know a
single germ can infect 300 people?
- Wow, imagine what a
married germ could do! Oh!
(panels close)
- Now I have no objection
to Muhammad Ali,
but I wouldn't want
my sister to fight him.
(panels close)
- Hey Kate... (thuds)
Have you seen my t-shirt?
- No, where's it playing?
- Oh you're killing me.
(panel closes)
(panels open)
- Haven't I seen your
face someplace else?
- No, it's always been
right here, where it is now.
- Oh.
(panels open)
- Hey, you know what?
My boyfriend and I went
for a drive in the country.
And you know what else?
- [Man] What?
- You can't make any time
on those old back roads!
(panels close)
- Ya can if you park!
(laughs maniacally)
- (babbles in foreign language)
(panel closes)
- (thuds) My kingdom
for a horse! (thuds)
- What's a horse?
- I've changed my mind.
Your whole kingdom
is worth a horse.
(panels close)
- (babbles in foreign language)
- Ah yeah.
(panels close)
- I can't stand my boyfriend.
- Why not, Goldie?
- He keeps falling over.
- You know, I like a dumb
joke, every once in a while.
But this isn't the once
in a while! (guffaws)
(panel shuts)
- If you took all the kilts
in the world, and laid them
end-to-end, you'd have
a lot of naked Scotsmen.
- (babbles in foreign language)
- Bang bang, you're
dead. (clicks tongue)
(panels open)
- You're out of your mind!
Your finger's not even loaded!
(thuds)
- They're calling Spiro
Agnew on Capitol Hill?
- No.
- Zorba the Veep.
(thuds)
- I just learned of something
new for people who can't
digest hot dogs!
Bicarbonate of mustard!
(panels shut)
- My uncle is the
meanest man in the world.
He just bought 12
homing pigeons.
Then he moved. Tut tut!
- (yelling) Oh! There's a pink
anteater in my dressing room!
- Oh well don't just
stand there, Katie,
go out and find some
pink ants! (slaps)
- Alright!
(panels shut)
- Look, is that a crowd
gathering on the street?
- (laughing) No, dummy!
That's your finger!
- Joanne, Jonathan's
a ding-a-long!
- No, no, no, Goldie.
It's "ding-a-ling," you silly
blonde lady! (laughs)
(panels shut)
- My mother says I'm
too young to go dating.
However, I can go prune-ing,
and olive-ing, and raisin-ing.
I can even go out with a fig!
(panel closes)
- Well, there's another
dried fruit joke! (laughs)
- (babbles in foreign language)
(slapstick musical interlude)
(crashes)
(typewriter clacks)
(scratching)
(cartoon falling sound)
(inaudible chatting)
(thuds)
(crying)
(footsteps approaching)
- No, no. No! Ugh!
(beeping)
(frogs chirping)
- It is I, my little
muffin, Casanova.
Oh love of my life,
oh light of my day,
your nearness makes
my soul explode (gasps),
with a thousand sighs!
How do you feel, my beloved?
- Bored.
- Aaah!!
(crashes, glass breaking)
- This show has
been pre-recorded.
Mainly, because we spent
a whole bunch of money
on the pre-recording equipment.
(leaves rustling)
- (in foreign accent)
Very eenteresting.
Oh, by the way,
happy New Year, Luthy,
and Max Dillon,
and whatever it is there on ABC.
(mumbles)
(percussion effects)
(clapping)
(NBC theme notes)