Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 4 - Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Walter Slezak, Don Adams, Noel Harrison - full transcript
Sketches include Maude's World of medicine, Hospital germ sketch, Introduction of classified ads, Wet weather report, Lady Godiva Interview, Paul Gilbert blind juggler, First intestinal ...
(swirling, fast-paced music)
- [Voiceover] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now boys and girls,
it's time for tonight's message
from the Green Wasp,
so turn your secret
decoder rings to X13.
- This program will be shown
overseas to the armed forces,
whether they like it, or not.
- And now, direct from
the lovely Lounge Room,
here on the pier of
the beautiful reservoir
in downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauding)
Staring Dan Rowan.
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Pamela
Austin, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band,
and special guest Don Adams.
With Judy Carne, Arte
Johnson, and Eileen Brennan,
Goldie Hawn, Henry
Gibson, Jack Riley,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Worley,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgo as the
friendly dweller.
- Tonight's program
is brought to
by the really
groovy people at...
(jazzy, upbeat music)
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, moving right along.
Here's the terpsichorean
artistry of Dan Rowan
and the songs of the
ever-lovely Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well hello again, and
a very hearty welcome
to the Laugh In.
- Yeah, I guess it's gonna
be a ball tonight, huh?
- Hey you're pretty
chipper this evening.
- Well, isn't everyday
I get to be on a show
with John Wayne (laughing).
- John Wayne?
- He's my hero.
- Well he's not on
the show tonight.
- Backed out again?
- Hey now, come on,
you're gonna have to stop
doin' that, people are
gonna think that it's his fault.
Now he wasn't
suppose to be here.
Leave him alone,
he's a nice guy.
- Well anyone who kisses
horses all day can't be all bad.
- John Wayne
doesn't kiss horses.
- You didn't see the
end of the picture.
- Well, forget about John
Wayne for just a minute.
Hey, now that we've
been on a few weeks,
you gettin' much
reaction to the show?
- You know it's
amazing, last Tuesday
about 15 or 20
people stopped me.
- Oh really, what'd they say?
(whispering)
You're suppose to
check those things
before you leave the house.
(audience laughing)
- Well it was mighty
embarrassing.
- Yeah, well we're
gonna have a lot a fun,
hey, we got Don Adams tonight.
- Hey, Don, I saw
Don the other day.
- Where?
- Over at the phone company.
- What was he doin'?
- Buyin' a pair a shoes.
- Buyin' a pair a shoes.
(audience laughing)
Listen, oh and Pam
Austin's, isn't she pretty?
- I guess so.
You know if John
Wayne ever saw her,
he'd forget about
that horse (laughing).
- Yeah, I think you're right.
- You kiss her, you don't
get a mouth full a oats.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- And of course we
have the regular bunch,
and The Nitty Gritty Dirt
Band's on here tonight.
- And Danny Thomas.
- There you go again,
now they're not gonna
see Danny Thomas tonight.
- Well they certainly
are, his show follows ours.
- Oh, you're right.
- See.
- You're right, it does.
Hey Arte.
- Hi Arte.
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is one of our regular cast,
Arte Johnson.
(audience applauding)
What in the world
are you doin' Arte?
- I'm ready for the
shaving commercial.
- I didn't know we had
a shaving commercial.
- We don't.
- We don't?
- No.
- Sandy.
(audience laughing)
- Well, movin' right along now,
you're such a nice group
we'd like to invite you to a party.
- I'll drink to that.
- I thought you would.
Come on, it's up this way.
- Let's go, come on.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- There's no such
thing as a bad boy,
just a lot of nice boys
doing disgusting things.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- My instinct about
people is uncanny.
Now take that man over there,
something tells me
he's not to be trusted.
- Which one?
- The one who's tearing
the clothes off the hostess.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I was wearing
turtlenecks long before
they became fashionable.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Oh I'm not surprised that
Frank and Mia broke up,
I'm always been
against mixed marriages.
(audience laughing)
- Roddy, why are
you British so attached
to the royal family?
- Well I think it's the
tradition and the pageantry.
It's the life's blood of
every true Englishman.
Besides which, they
do amuse our tourists.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- After all this country was
founded on a revolution,
and we think it's
time for another.
Provided of course the
government will subsidize it.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- It is said, the heart
of the artichoke,
and the seed of the persimmon,
shall never find peace
in the jelly of the guava.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Poor Boris, he's
working so hard lately.
All day long he's at the CIA,
then at night he's up in the
attic with the shortwave radio.
(laughing)
(big band music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh I've thought
about marriage,
but I prefer the single life.
What was good enough for
my father's good enough for me.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I just love tennis,
I wouldn't miss the finals
at Forest Lawn for anything.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- On the other hand, that
man over there is obviously
a bigot, a racist,
and a hate monger.
- How can you tell?
- Well look at that
sign he's carrying,
it says I'm a bigot, a
racist, and a hate monger.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I believe religion should
keep abreast of the times,
and the news, the
Herald Examiner.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Just think, if Jonathan
Rivers divorced
Spring Byington, and married
Joanie Sommers in the Fall
he'd be a man
for all seasons, uh.
(audience laughing)
- You know Roddy, one thing,
when Americans get to England
they are aggravating.
- Oh on the contrary, I
think in England they can be
very charming, it's over here
they're rather aggravating.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- My father's idea of a bum
trip is a weekend in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- It is said the man
who burneth incense
within the confines
of his own room
shall never suffer the
loss of a pomegranate.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Oh Boris and I have the
most vile and political arguments.
I say the defense of
California begins in Saigon,
but Boris says, "Better red
than Shirley Temple black."
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I've got nothing
against getting married,
but the way I figure it,
why trade a headache
for an upset stomach?
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Now look at that
couple in the corner,
you'll never convince
me they're married.
- Which ones?
- Over there, that priest
standing talking to that nun.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
(audience applauding)
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Fore!
(audience laughing)
- Merry Christmas
to all my readers.
- My name is Robin Hood.
I rob from the rich,
and I give to the poor.
- Really?
I'm a Republican myself.
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Sock it to me, sock it to me...
(water splashing)
Ha-ha.
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Fore!
(telephone ringing)
- Hello.
Oh, it's for you.
- Waiter, waiter.
There's fly in my soup.
- I'll fetch a fork, sir.
(audience laughing)
- Would you believe Mister
and Missus Jim Smith?
- Darling are you sure you
wanna go through with this?
(audience laughing)
(bouncy flute music)
(whirring)
- Well folks out there...
- Whoop.
(laughing)
Why can't he cheer up?
(audience laughing)
- Well sports fans,
moving right along now,
it's time to spotlight the
stars of tomorrow today,
Laugh In's new talent time.
(trumpet music)
- Oh we got to do
somethin' 'bout them.
- I think somebody did.
Hey, got a surprise
for you tonight.
- Forget it.
- Oh no, no...
- Ah, again with
a surprise, huh?
- Lovely surprise,
one of our own kids.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Yeah, Jo Anne Worley.
- Oh I love Jo Anne.
- Yeah, come on Jo Anne.
(audience applauding)
- Oh Jo, beautiful.
Oh what are you gonna do, honey?
- I'm going to do a musical
number for you, if I may.
- Oh I love it,
love it, love it.
- Mr. Maestro, please.
- Oh, Mr. Maestro, huh?
(loud banging)
I got rhythm (loud banging)
I got music (loud banging)
I got my man (loud banging)
Who could ask for anything more
Old man trouble I don't mind him
You won't him
round my front door
Back door I got starlight
I got sweet dreams I got my man
Who could ask for anything more
Who could ask for
anything moooooore
(loud banging)
(audience applauding)
- Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Hey, did ya... (screaming)
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Didn't mean to startle you,
you like that, huh?
- Oh boy, that's a little
far out there, I can't...
- You're always,
why don't you show up
with somebody yourself,
then you wouldn't
have to complain.
- Just hold, hmm?
- Well, what is it then?
- I happen to have
brought a goody
right along with me tonight.
- For moi?
- Well, for all of us.
- Oh, really?
- For our viewing pube-lic.
- You have a goody?
- Yeah.
- Who?
- You better, one a the most
unique acts in show business.
- No kiddin'?
- Yeah.
He's an invisible man.
- I don't believe I've ever
seen anything quite like that.
- Well how could you,
I said he was invisible.
- Well is he here now?
- Well, come on now.
I'll bring him out for you.
- Okay.
- All right, ladies
and gentlemen,
I ask all of you to join me
in welcoming Harold Nub.
- Harold Nub?
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, Mr. Nub.
- Good evening, Mr. Martin.
- I thought you said
he was invisible.
- Oh I am invisible.
- You're not, I can
see you standin' there.
- I am invisible,
you can't see me.
- See, I told you.
Tell me Harold, how long
have you been invisible?
- Well, since I
was 12 years old.
One morning I woke
up and I wasn't there.
- Hm.
- Obviously.
- Absolutely fantastic.
And you've never
seen yourself since?
- [Harold] No, never since, no.
- Isn't that amazing.
- Well we certainly
wanna thank you Mr. Nub
for showing up.
- I'm over here, Mr. Rowan.
- Oh (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- There you go.
Lots a people make that
mistake, constantly amusing.
(audience applauding)
- I told you they'd
love Mr. Nub.
- Well, you've
done it again, boy.
But seriously folks.
Here's the world's
foremost juggler,
the fantastic Paul
Gheel-bare, The Fantastic.
(audience applauding)
(plates breaking)
(light whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(plates breaking)
- Another one.
Again.
- Now ladies and
gentlemen tonight,
for the first time anywhere,
the great Jheel-bare will
perform his most difficult trick
in total darkness.
- Music, maestro.
(drum roll)
(plates breaking)
(audience laughing)
- Well what'd you expect?
He's doin' it in the total
darkness, he can't see anything.
- Well I know, but I still...
- Well that's our new
talent for tonight, folks.
I hope you all tune in next week
when the fickle finger of fate
points at more
stars of tomorrow.
- The what?
- The fickle finger of fate,
what would you call it?
- Well I might call it a...
- The, maybe the
fickle finger of fortune.
- No, but I might call it...
- How 'bout the fortunate
fickle finger of fate?
- Now cut that out!
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- This is your
off-stage announcer,
reminding you that this is
your off-stage announcer.
(audience laughing)
- (screaming) Look, there's
one a those cute guards,
get a picture, Henry (laughing).
I'll just fix his,
excuse me a minute,
may I fix your hat?
Give us a smile for the camera.
Come on, smile.
I'll put this down,
you can smile better.
(tickling)
Come on.
(tickling)
You can smile.
Don't be so shy, darling.
(party horn tweeting)
Come on, Henry,
let's find a real guard.
(audience laughing)
(gunshot)
- Thank you.
- There's been a lot
a bad publicity lately
about companies who
turn out war material.
So we found someone who,
though he is manufacturing
wartime products,
is nevertheless looking
ahead to peacetime.
We take you now to Dan
Rowan and Mr. Harvey Blunt.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, Mr. Blunt.
Pleasure to be talking to you.
Exactly what is it
you manufacture?
- Tanks, Blunt tanks.
- Uh-huh, yes, and
what is it you're going to
manufacture in peacetime?
- Tanks, Blunt tanks.
(audience laughing)
- Well what use
are they going to be
when we're not in a war?
- Well our freeways
are congested, right?
- Right.
- Bumper-to-bumper, right?
- That's right.
- Well with a tank,
right up and over, banzi.
(audience laughing)
Flatten out a few a
those women drivers,
they could use it,
I'll tell you that, fella.
You bet your sweet.
- Yes, I, a,
are they safe?
- Safe, are you kidding?
On the highway, who's
gonna hurt a tank?
Listen if Bonnie and
Clyde had driven a tank
they'd be alive today.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, but I...
- And you can park
a tank anywhere.
- Anywhere?
- Who's gonna ticket a tank?
(audience laughing)
- That's true, but
they're pretty expensive.
Can the average citizen
afford one a these?
- Are you kidding?
You don't buy one, you rent.
Don't buy, rent, rent a tank.
Just put a little down then
let 'em try to collect the rest.
(audience laughing)
- Well that'd be a
problem all right.
Well what happens
when the lease runs out?
- Well who's gonna
repossess a tank?
- Well I think you
could get stuck with
a lot of old tanks.
- Oh no we won't, we've
already got that figured out.
You see when the tanks wear out,
we'll just take them
down to Tijuana,
and sell them for cabs.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
(audience laughing)
- Who's that?
- That's Saul, the head
of our service department.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat jingle)
(crashing)
- Tonight the Laugh In
spotlight falls on our own
Judy Carne.
(drum roll)
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Watch it governor, you nearly
caught me on me righty head.
(audience laughing)
- Took it rather
hard, didn't she?
- Well I imagine it
shook her up a little.
- Oh, I...
- Now are you sure we don't
have a shaving commercial?
- I am sure.
- Well, maybe we have
a razor commercial?
- No.
- No.
(exhaling)
- Caroline.
(audience laughing)
- This is your
off-stage announcer,
reminding you that I
have a migraine headache.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Robin
Hood, and I've got a secret.
- Oh really?
I'm a Republican myself.
(audience laughing)
This is my first affair
So please show up
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(ball whistling)
- Very interesting.
(fast-paced, upbeat music)
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks,
it's sock it to me time.
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
- Oh really.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- And the same to you, buddy.
(audience laughing)
- Would you believe Mister
and Missus Ed Smith?
(audience laughing)
- Before moving along, the
whole gang wants to wish you
Happy Valentine's Day.
(gunfire)
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, playful music)
- And now folks, it's time for
the Rowan and Martin report,
when each week Laugh
In looks at the news,
past, present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse
you We just want
To give you our
views La-la-da-da
Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at the news
Here's Dan (audience applauding)
- All right.
Yes, and here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
heeeeere's Dickie.
(audience applauding)
(big band music)
- Hey you're a
wild crowd tonight.
Wow, may the good
fairy swickel your zillman.
(audience laughing)
Hey you know we
have some news today.
Here's an item.
Yesterday the Boy Scouts of
America made Sophia Lauren
an honorary official Boy Scout.
But she refused to
go along with their
good deed for the day.
(audience laughing)
Item, Mrs. Lyndon Johnson
said today in Washington
she is willing to go
anywhere at any time to have
meaningful negotiations
with Eartha Kitt.
(audience laughing)
Item, today the New York
stock market hit an all-time low.
The Dow Jones averages
sunk to a new level.
The decreased volume of
sales gives every indication
that this recession
will continue.
(audience laughing)
(sighing) Little bad news.
- And now with the news 20
years from now, here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- Item, Warsaw, 1988.
A flood of tasteless American
jokes is sweeping Poland.
(audience laughing)
Item, Washington, D.C., 1988.
President Ronald Reagan
today denied once again
that he is a candidate
for the office of governor
of California.
(audience laughing)
Item, 1988.
New Orleans District
Attorney Jim Garrison today
ordered the arrest
of Havana, Cuba.
(audience laughing)
Item, 1988, from
his retreat in Bimini.
Adam Clayton Powell
announced he will once again
run as congressman for Harlem,
and that he'll go
there to campaign,
as soon as somebody
tells him where it is.
(audience laughing)
- Now with the news of the past,
Laugh In goes merrily
back through history
to our man in Coventry,
England in the year 1063.
- Well here we are with
a young lady who's really
shaken up the town a bit.
And now that I get a
closer look, I can see why.
This really is a wonderful
piece of horse flesh
you have here.
- Oh thank you, a lot
of people have said that.
- Oh yes, and what is the name?
- Lady Godiva.
- No, I know your name, I
meant the name of the horse.
- Well, a lot a the fellows
have been calling him Lucky.
(audience laughing)
- I bet, huh.
Is this the first
time that you've
run through the streets naked?
- First time on a horse, yes.
- And you rode through the
streets of Coventry bareback?
- From head to toe.
(audience laughing)
- Well, it certainly is fortunate
that you have long hair.
- Oh, I don't really
have long hair,
they just backcombed the horse.
- I see.
Lady Godiva, you went
on this ride I understand
to protest a tax.
- Oh yes I did.
- Yes, well was it effective?
- Well, it depends which
side a the street you were on.
- Of course, yes.
How do you think this
will effect your future?
- Well I've had
several offers already.
- I can imagine you have, yes.
- Yes, I had a very
interesting offer
from the Blue Boar Inn to
work as a topless waitress.
- [Englishman] Yes.
- And also an offer to be a
jockey at the Folie Bergere.
- Oh, Paris.
- No, Las Vegas.
- I see, well thank
you Lady Godiva,
we've enjoyed this
interview very much.
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Time now for another
Rowan and Martin news feature.
Back to the present with Dick.
- And now for a look
at the European scene,
we take you to Bill
Morgan, our man in the Alps.
Take it away Switzerland.
- Bill Morgan here.
Good news for skiers.
(voice echoing)
More snow this weekend.
(voice echoing)
Well that's all for now.
(voice echoing)
Heeeeeelp!
(voice echoing)
- Thanks Bill.
(voice echoing)
Now here's Judy.
(voice echoing)
- Hi, this is Vicky Nantison,
I'm here at the diplomatic
club in Washington, D.C.,
where many of the powerful
people who run our government
come to relax.
I hope to catch one of these
gentlemen with his guard down
and get him to talk
into the microphone
which is hidden in the pretzels.
And whoever comes by,
I'll try to engage
him in a conversation.
Here comes someone now.
- My fellow American,
is this spot taken?
- Oh, no sir, please join me.
- Thank you very much
and I hope during the
next few minutes we may
have a meaningful exchange
of thoughts and ideas.
(audience laughing)
- We may be on to something.
Would you like a drink, sir?
- Yes, I'll have the usual.
Petternolis and soda, please.
(audience laughing)
- What is that, sir?
- It's just like a
Shirley Temple only
instead of the cherry
they put in refried beans.
(audience laughing)
- Are you with the government?
- No.
I am the government.
- Do you get much time
to spend with your family?
- Yes.
As a matter a fact last
evening my wife and I
sat for my new grandchild
over at my house.
- Oh, you have a new grandchild.
- Yes, it was just
a few months ago
that we welcomed this
small defenseless child
to the warmth of our kisses,
the strength of our arms,
and the shadow of our smile.
(audience laughing)
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- No, it's a prince.
(audience laughing)
- I hope we meet again, sir.
- I do too, and I
want you to know that
any time, and anywhere,
any place I can meet you
I'll be glad to continue
this exchange of
thoughts and ideas,
and I hope that once again
we may reason together.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry guys, but some
nights just nobody shows up.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well that's the Rowan
and Martin report.
- Hey, hey, wait a minute,
you're forgetting
the weather report.
- Me too.
(whimsical, happy music)
Cold wave hitting Miami
Some sleet falling in Kansas
Hot air coming from Holly
Would you all believe it
there's a storm down south
Ice falls up in Alaska
Low clouds over St. Louie
Big storms heading
for Idaho-ho-ho
What a lot of snow
Monsoons out in Hawaii
Bad floods heading for Memphis
We hope swimming's
their favorite sport
Hey kids get your water wings
Hello precipitation
Is all over the nation
That's our happy weather report
Here in lovely downtown Burbank
We're expecting slight showers.
(water splashing)
Oh no, not again!
(crying)
(audience applauding)
- Well that's about it for
the Rowan and Martin report.
- Be sure and watch next
week when we'll be bringing you
a special interview with
Wernher von Braun entitled
I aimed at the stars
and hit London.
(audience applauding)
- I'm so happy to be here.
I'm so happy to be anywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Meanwhile, the mad
scientist continued
with his fiendish plans.
- Oh, have you seen
any of the merry men?
- No, you're the first today.
(audience laughing)
Gonna live til I die
(crashing)
(screaming)
- Very interesting.
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey now here's that
fun time of the show, right?
- Right.
- Station identification time.
- Is that time already?
- Are you sure we don't
have a shaving commercial?
- I am sure.
- Well, I'm gonna take it off,
I'm gonna take it all off.
- Take it off, take it all off.
(jazzy big band music)
(audience laughing)
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
is brought to you by...
(bouncy, upbeat brass music)
Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock
it to me (groans).
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me.
(fast, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- Waiter have you
got corn on the ear?
- No, that's a wart, sir.
- [Dan] And now to sign the
Declaration of Independence,
John Hancock.
(fast, bouncy music)
And now, Thomas Jefferson.
(fast, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- A gentleman writes to
me from Nutley, New Jersey.
Dear Aggie, all my life people
have been taking advantage
of me, signed, Easy Mark.
Dear Easy Mark, I would
suggest that you send
for my new book, How to
Prevent Being Taken Advantage of.
It'll cost you only $5.
Better still, Easy
Mark, make that $10.
(audience laughing)
- That's outrageous.
- Well anyway, I thought
that we talk to you
for a minute or
two here about...
- Excuse me, do you mind?
Could I just have an
autograph, please?
From both of you.
- Sorry lady, we're
just a little bit busy here.
- Oh.
- Hey wait a minute, we
need every fan we can get,
come on.
- You're very kind to do this.
(mumbling)
It's not as though I
don't appreciate it.
- From out a town, are you?
- Oh, yeah (laughing).
Ah Harry, I was right,
the big one is Rowan
and the dummy is Martin.
(audience laughing)
- But seriously folks, now
it's time for the Laugh In's
classified ad department,
network television's
only opportunity
for the little man to
have his message
broadcast all over America.
First tonight, lost and found.
- Found, a gold watch
engraved to Adolph
from Goering and the boys.
Will whoever lost this
watch claim it from the
Israeli agent in the lobby.
(audience laughing)
- Very amusing.
(audience laughing)
- Will the young
lady in the blue coat
who witnessed the
robbery this afternoon
in the bank in beautiful
downtown Burbank
please report at
1534 Elm Street tonight
at midnight, alone.
(audience laughing)
- Bachelor's delight.
Rent a bikini, 50 cents an hour.
Furnished, $50 an hour.
(audience laughing)
- For sale, four
million monkeys.
Call the birth control
experimental center.
(audience laughing)
- Well that just about wraps
up tonight's classified ads.
If any of you have an
item for sale or a message
you'd like included in
future classified ads,
just drop us a line.
- Care of Bullets Durgom.
And he'll see that you
receive an audition for
Horace Heights pot of gold.
(dramatic piano music)
I walked alone
You walked with me
We walked alone
Just we three
You held my arm
You squeezed my flesh
I don't believe that
love could happen
It's a mesh (audience laughing)
- Well I don't know
how that ever got by.
- Looked good on the
Smothers Brothers' show.
(audience laughing)
(music jingle)
- Aw-ha.
- Before proceeding with
the entertainment portion
of tonight's program, here
is an important message.
- Bang, bang, boo, poo.
(audience laughing)
- In 1968 I have decided
to tour the model cities
in my model airplane.
(audience laughing)
- But first you'll have
some chicken soup.
(audience laughing)
- I'm smoking less and
enjoying it more (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- And now folks, here's
a good reason why
the young performers
prefer to work in groups,
it's safer.
- And with that thought, once
more it's time for Laugh In
to present a musical interlude
with The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band,
with a one, and a two,
and... (audience applauding)
Buy for me the rain, my
darling, buy for me the rain
Buy for me the crystal
pools that fall upon the plain
And I'll buy for you a rainbow
and a million pots of gold
Buy it for me now,
babe, before I am too old
I am too old
Buy for me the sun, my
darling, buy for me the sun
Buy for me the light that
falls when day has just begun
And I'll buy for you a shadow
to protect you from the day
Buy it for me now,
babe, before I go away
I'll go away
Buy for me the robin,
darling, buy for me the wing
Buy for me a sparrow,
almost any flying thing
And I'll buy for
you a tree, my love
Where a robin's nest may grow
Buy it for me now, babe,
the years all hurry so
They hurry so
I cannot buy you happiness,
I cannot by you years
I cannot buy you happiness,
in place of all the tears
But I can buy for
you a gravestone
To lay behind your head
Gravestones cheer
the living, dear
They're no use to the dead
No use to the dead
(audience applauding)
- Jack Warner, president of
Warner Brothers Film Studios,
announced the signing of
two bright new stars today,
Ronald Reagan and Dennis Morgan.
Insiders predict a big future
for young Dennis Morgan.
(audience laughing)
- Rub dub dub,
three men in a tub.
(audience laughing)
Play ball, play ball
Everyone likes to play ball
Sometimes you catch it
And sometimes you
miss But when you miss
Remember this Let the ball roll
Let the ball roll No
matter where it may go
Let the ball roll
Let the ball roll
It has to stop sometime you know
Now maybe a truck
Will flatten the ball
And make it look like an egg
Though you can get Many a ball
You can never get a new leg
(audience applauding)
- Moments later.
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
Hours later.
(fast, whimsical music)
Days later.
(doorbell ringing)
- What was that?
- Have you never
heard of the Avon monk?
(audience laughing)
(clanking)
(audience laughing)
- I will be happy to
talk to Milton Berle,
if only he will
stop the bombing.
(audience laughing)
(adventurous music)
(cymbals clanking)
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(audience laughing)
- You really know
how to hurt a guy.
- Communications with
our youth has broken down.
So I have decided to
visit them, in Canada.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy flute music)
(audience laughing)
(fast, happy music)
(audience laughing)
When I'm calling youuuuuuuu
(mumbles) for twooooo
(audience laughing)
- Waiter, have
you got frog's legs?
- No sir, rheumatism.
(audience laughing)
- Would you believe Mister
and Missus Stanislaus Smith?
(audience laughing)
- Friar Tuck, Will,
Scarlet, and I were
waiting for Robin last
night, did he have a date?
- Maid Marian.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(drum pounding)
- Tonight, Mod Mod
World takes a look at
the medical profession.
(fast-paced, energetic music)
Tonight, Maud Maud World
takes a look at medicine.
- So everybody out there
open your mouth and say ahhh.
- You know Dick, we
must be living in medicine's
most productive era.
Hardly a day goes by that
we don't hear some statement
from the medical world.
- That's true, last
night on the news
I heard a doctor say something.
- What'd he say?
- Take two aspirins and
call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- All right, come on,
it's a serious subject.
- I'm sorry, I'm just not
too thrilled with doctors,
that's all.
- Well who takes
care of your health?
- I do, that's who.
Every morning I get up I
take my own temperature.
- No kiddin'.
- Yeah, this morning it was 118.
- Your temperature was 118?
- That's funny, so was mine.
- Ah come on, that's impossible.
If your temperature was
118 you'd now be on your way
to a better, to a happier world,
where everyone
does just as they wish.
- Las Vegas?
- Now, come on, you must
admit your temperature wasn't 118.
- Well I remember it distinctly.
I put the temperature
in my mouth...
- You put the thermometer
in your mouth...
- The glass thing,
the glass thing.
I put it in my mouth,
and then I took it out
and I stirred my coffee,
and I read it.
- So your coffee was 118.
- That's it.
- You know, if you
had a bad cold and
it wasn't gettin' any better,
you'd go see a doctor, right?
- No, I'd have a couple drinks.
- Well now alcohol
isn't a cure for anything.
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- What if you woke up
in the middle of the night
with a sharp pain, then
you'd go screamin' for a doctor.
- I would not, I'd use my
grandmother's old cure.
- Your grandmother had
an old cure for sharp pains?
- Well I guess so.
- No kiddin'?
- Oh yeah, first of
all you get a squirrel
and you put it in a sack.
- You get a squirrel.
- Yeah, put a
squirrel in a sack,
and you put a three
foot piece a string on it,
and you whirl it around your
head 37 times counterclockwise.
And then you jump
up and down on a
snow shoe and sing sweet Sue.
(audience laughing)
- And that's a cure
for sharp pains?
- You're kidding,
I gotta try that.
(audience laughing)
- What you do, you
go see a specialist.
- Well, my doctor's
a specialist.
- What does he specialize in?
- Cigarette commercials.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
I bumped into him
just the other day.
- [Dan] Yeah, what'd he say?
- Take two aspirins
and call me in the morning.
- And call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- You know you're makin'
fun of a group of people
that work night and day to
keep you in perfect health.
- Me?
- That's right.
- Why?
- And every day they
come up with somethin' new.
Look what's going
on today, transplants.
- There's nothing
new about that.
- Wha'da you mean
there's nothing new about it,
it's brand new.
- Ah, come on, a doctor
in our neighborhood
did one years and years ago.
- A transplant?
- Yeah, you see
he was in a garage
having his car fixed, you see.
And this woman came driving
in and she got out of her car
and all of a sudden
she had a seizure.
- She had a seizure?
- Yeah, right
there in the garage.
So he had to think quickly.
- [Dan] Yeah.
- Yeah, he operated on her.
- What'd he do?
- Well he replaced her
kidney with an old carburetor.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, the man
put a carburetor in a woman
for a kidney?
- Well it was an emergency.
- How did it work out?
- Well, she's a little
slow on hills, um...
(audience laughing)
- Oh come one,
for crying out loud.
- Her husband complains
she's a little cold
getting started in the morning.
- All right. (audience laughing)
Will you stop with that's
the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
You know what a
doctor'd say if you told him
a thing like that?
- Take two aspirins and
call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, energetic music)
(drum pounding)
- Times have changed
in the medical field.
Years ago, strikes were
unthinkable for nurses and doctors.
Today, it's not uncommon at all.
- We're here in the waiting
room of Burbank General Hospital
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
with head nurse, Edith Head.
The conditions here
today are appalling.
These people have
been waiting for hours,
no one to help,
beds in the corridors.
No fresh linens, meals are late,
I don't even see
a doctor in sight.
It's appalling.
- Well I couldn't
agree with you more.
But just think what
it's gonna be like
when the strike starts.
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, energetic music)
- Mod Mod World
takes another look
at the medical profession.
- Mr. Frisbee, could I
have one word with you?
- Yeah.
- Well it's very kind of
you to come over here.
I guess driving an ambulance
is pretty exciting work,
isn't it.
- Ooohhh, it sure is, you know,
'cause you go
careening through traffic,
zipping from lane to lane,
running through red lights,
cars, bus, persons
running at you
at all sides, it's really
exciting, it's exciting.
- Taking all those chances
just to get to the patient
as soon as possible.
- No, no, that's
after I get the patient.
Goin' there you gotta drive slow
'cause you can't be too careful
you might get
killed in an accident.
- Oh, well when you
arrive at the emergency,
what is the first thing
you do to help a patient?
- Well, the first thing I do is
I help 'em to fill out the form.
- Oh, the form.
- Yes, you can't do
anything unless you
fill out the form first.
- I see, well what if
he's in critical condition?
- Oh, then you
gotta work real fast,
'cause if I don't get
that form filled out
I'm in real trouble, you know.
- I see.
All right, so you've filled
out the form, then what?
- Well, well, then comes the
most important part of my job.
- What's that?
- That's get the money.
$22 plus eight for
the siren, $2 for the...
(audience laughing)
(dramatic music)
- What medicine
really boils down to is
a war against the germ.
Tonight, we meet a
noble, dedicated man
who is fighting that war.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Doctor Edward Flowers.
(audience applauding)
- This is my life's work.
A pill, containing a
miniature, colored TV camera.
Once this is inside my patient,
I'll be able to see what
the germs are doing.
Swallow this.
- Damn the penicillin,
full speed ahead.
Fire when you see the
whites of their corpuscles.
(audience laughing)
- Oh where do you want
these mumps, Mon General?
(phone ringing)
- What's that?
Hold on a minute.
Listen, they're short on
chicken pox at the front,
do we have any?
- [Man Carrying
Mumps] Ah, yes sir.
- Well don't just stand
there, drop your mumps
and grab your pox.
(audience laughing)
- Sir.
- Your light fell off, chief.
(audience laughing)
- That was strange.
- Emergency, sir.
A capsule just hit the
cough control center.
Look, there's the
first tiny time pill now.
(audience laughing)
- Those butchers.
All right, all units attack.
UA's and flu germs, attack.
Move out, charge.
Commit the reserves.
Fire, fire, fire. (gunfire)
Attack, attack, attack.
(alarm bells ringing)
- Very interesting.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, happy music)
We're four little pills who will
Make you happy
We're four little dolls who will
Cure your ills Give us a try
And make it snappy
We are very
special pills I'm calm
I'm sleep I'm full of life
I keep you feelin' free
Oh I'm a tranquilized
I'm a sleeping
capsule I'm a pep up pill
I'm little ole me
If you're feelin' dull and sicky
I can make your whole world icky
If you let me give
your life a little pep
I'll calm you down
I'll keep you cool
I'll set you straight
When you're out a style
We're terribly nice
and you ought to try us
We're terribly big
in the world today
Walk to the drugstore
Stop and buy us
We will chase your
cares away We're fast
We're safe We really work
We've got a guarantee
I'm a tranquilizer
I'm a sleeping
capsule I'm a pep up pill
I'm little ole me
(audience laughing)
When you've counted your sheep
And you can't go to sleep
I can make all your troubles end
I'll keep you safe
I'll make you sure
In fact they call me
a girl's best friend
We're four favorite
dolls of the population
The popular pills
of the uptight set
There's not a
person in the nation
Who has never tried
us yet We're good
We're bad We're fun and games
We're practicality
I'm a tranquilizer
I'm a sleeping
capsule I'm a pep up pill
I'm little ole me
You can use us
for your traquilizing
You can use us for relaxizing
You can use us for vitality
But when it really
counts, try little ole me
Try little old me
(audience applauding)
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, sweet prince.
- Hey, next week it looks like
we're gonna have a real winner.
We have some...
- Hey I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my uncle once said to me.
- Oh, I'd love to hear
it but we're out of time.
- Next week our guests are...
- It was rather important.
(audience laughing)
- Quick is it?
- Mm-hm.
- Okay.
- He said, "Take two aspirins
and call me in the morning."
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody, hope
you had a good time, we did.
(audience applauding)
- Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating his Christmas pie.
Then they put him
away for many a day
for it was the Fourth of July.
(audience laughing)
- Boo, boo.
- I've got a date with
a used car salesman.
- What's the difference,
as long as he's healthy.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Yeees.
- How come you're knitting
three socks instead of a pair?
- My boyfriend just grew
another foot (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- Do the words fire
alarm ring a bell?
- Did you ever stop to
think that alimony is like
keeping up payments
on a car with four flat tires.
- [Women] Boo, boo.
- Please say you love
me, please, say it, say it.
- I love you.
- You're a liar.
- [Men] Boo, boo.
- Peas, porridge hot,
peas, porridge cold, bleah!
- The Wrigley
Building is chewish.
- That's funny, the Wrigley
Building doesn't look chewish.
(audience laughing)
Pam.
- What'da you think of
the Empire State Building?
- I've never tried it.
(audience laughing)
- I just shot an
elephant in my pajamas.
How it got in my pajamas,
I'll never know (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- There was a young
man from Nantucket
- Who carried around a bucket.
- He filled it with cheese.
- And along came a breeze.
- And made the
whole (mumbling)...
- Ah yeah, yeah.
(audience laughing)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Tijuana.
- Tijuana who?
- Tijuana punch in the nose?
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
(audience laughing)
- The Golden Gate
Bridge is Spanish.
- That's funny, the Golden
Gate Bridge doesn't look Spanish.
- You involved in electronics?
- No actually we're
just good friends.
(audience laughing)
- Can I offer you
a word of advice?
- No thanks, I just put one out.
(audience laughing)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Who.
- Who, who?
(crying)
(audience laughing)
- I know a man who
crossed a cow with a zebra.
- Oh, what'd he get?
- Striped milk.
- I think the playboy
club is just a big front
for a lot a silly girls.
(audience laughing)
- Why of course I
believe you, Mr. Smith.
- All right Freebish, get
the trunk and let's go.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(fast, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- The preceding
was recorded earlier
so we could all go home
and watch ourselves.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jingle)
- Folks, keep those cards
and letters coming in.
- Very interesting, hee-hee-hee.
- [Voiceover] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now boys and girls,
it's time for tonight's message
from the Green Wasp,
so turn your secret
decoder rings to X13.
- This program will be shown
overseas to the armed forces,
whether they like it, or not.
- And now, direct from
the lovely Lounge Room,
here on the pier of
the beautiful reservoir
in downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauding)
Staring Dan Rowan.
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Pamela
Austin, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band,
and special guest Don Adams.
With Judy Carne, Arte
Johnson, and Eileen Brennan,
Goldie Hawn, Henry
Gibson, Jack Riley,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Worley,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgo as the
friendly dweller.
- Tonight's program
is brought to
by the really
groovy people at...
(jazzy, upbeat music)
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, moving right along.
Here's the terpsichorean
artistry of Dan Rowan
and the songs of the
ever-lovely Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well hello again, and
a very hearty welcome
to the Laugh In.
- Yeah, I guess it's gonna
be a ball tonight, huh?
- Hey you're pretty
chipper this evening.
- Well, isn't everyday
I get to be on a show
with John Wayne (laughing).
- John Wayne?
- He's my hero.
- Well he's not on
the show tonight.
- Backed out again?
- Hey now, come on,
you're gonna have to stop
doin' that, people are
gonna think that it's his fault.
Now he wasn't
suppose to be here.
Leave him alone,
he's a nice guy.
- Well anyone who kisses
horses all day can't be all bad.
- John Wayne
doesn't kiss horses.
- You didn't see the
end of the picture.
- Well, forget about John
Wayne for just a minute.
Hey, now that we've
been on a few weeks,
you gettin' much
reaction to the show?
- You know it's
amazing, last Tuesday
about 15 or 20
people stopped me.
- Oh really, what'd they say?
(whispering)
You're suppose to
check those things
before you leave the house.
(audience laughing)
- Well it was mighty
embarrassing.
- Yeah, well we're
gonna have a lot a fun,
hey, we got Don Adams tonight.
- Hey, Don, I saw
Don the other day.
- Where?
- Over at the phone company.
- What was he doin'?
- Buyin' a pair a shoes.
- Buyin' a pair a shoes.
(audience laughing)
Listen, oh and Pam
Austin's, isn't she pretty?
- I guess so.
You know if John
Wayne ever saw her,
he'd forget about
that horse (laughing).
- Yeah, I think you're right.
- You kiss her, you don't
get a mouth full a oats.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- And of course we
have the regular bunch,
and The Nitty Gritty Dirt
Band's on here tonight.
- And Danny Thomas.
- There you go again,
now they're not gonna
see Danny Thomas tonight.
- Well they certainly
are, his show follows ours.
- Oh, you're right.
- See.
- You're right, it does.
Hey Arte.
- Hi Arte.
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is one of our regular cast,
Arte Johnson.
(audience applauding)
What in the world
are you doin' Arte?
- I'm ready for the
shaving commercial.
- I didn't know we had
a shaving commercial.
- We don't.
- We don't?
- No.
- Sandy.
(audience laughing)
- Well, movin' right along now,
you're such a nice group
we'd like to invite you to a party.
- I'll drink to that.
- I thought you would.
Come on, it's up this way.
- Let's go, come on.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- There's no such
thing as a bad boy,
just a lot of nice boys
doing disgusting things.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- My instinct about
people is uncanny.
Now take that man over there,
something tells me
he's not to be trusted.
- Which one?
- The one who's tearing
the clothes off the hostess.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I was wearing
turtlenecks long before
they became fashionable.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Oh I'm not surprised that
Frank and Mia broke up,
I'm always been
against mixed marriages.
(audience laughing)
- Roddy, why are
you British so attached
to the royal family?
- Well I think it's the
tradition and the pageantry.
It's the life's blood of
every true Englishman.
Besides which, they
do amuse our tourists.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- After all this country was
founded on a revolution,
and we think it's
time for another.
Provided of course the
government will subsidize it.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- It is said, the heart
of the artichoke,
and the seed of the persimmon,
shall never find peace
in the jelly of the guava.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Poor Boris, he's
working so hard lately.
All day long he's at the CIA,
then at night he's up in the
attic with the shortwave radio.
(laughing)
(big band music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh I've thought
about marriage,
but I prefer the single life.
What was good enough for
my father's good enough for me.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I just love tennis,
I wouldn't miss the finals
at Forest Lawn for anything.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- On the other hand, that
man over there is obviously
a bigot, a racist,
and a hate monger.
- How can you tell?
- Well look at that
sign he's carrying,
it says I'm a bigot, a
racist, and a hate monger.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I believe religion should
keep abreast of the times,
and the news, the
Herald Examiner.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Just think, if Jonathan
Rivers divorced
Spring Byington, and married
Joanie Sommers in the Fall
he'd be a man
for all seasons, uh.
(audience laughing)
- You know Roddy, one thing,
when Americans get to England
they are aggravating.
- Oh on the contrary, I
think in England they can be
very charming, it's over here
they're rather aggravating.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- My father's idea of a bum
trip is a weekend in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- It is said the man
who burneth incense
within the confines
of his own room
shall never suffer the
loss of a pomegranate.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Oh Boris and I have the
most vile and political arguments.
I say the defense of
California begins in Saigon,
but Boris says, "Better red
than Shirley Temple black."
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- I've got nothing
against getting married,
but the way I figure it,
why trade a headache
for an upset stomach?
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
- Now look at that
couple in the corner,
you'll never convince
me they're married.
- Which ones?
- Over there, that priest
standing talking to that nun.
(audience laughing)
(big band music)
(audience applauding)
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Fore!
(audience laughing)
- Merry Christmas
to all my readers.
- My name is Robin Hood.
I rob from the rich,
and I give to the poor.
- Really?
I'm a Republican myself.
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Sock it to me, sock it to me...
(water splashing)
Ha-ha.
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Fore!
(telephone ringing)
- Hello.
Oh, it's for you.
- Waiter, waiter.
There's fly in my soup.
- I'll fetch a fork, sir.
(audience laughing)
- Would you believe Mister
and Missus Jim Smith?
- Darling are you sure you
wanna go through with this?
(audience laughing)
(bouncy flute music)
(whirring)
- Well folks out there...
- Whoop.
(laughing)
Why can't he cheer up?
(audience laughing)
- Well sports fans,
moving right along now,
it's time to spotlight the
stars of tomorrow today,
Laugh In's new talent time.
(trumpet music)
- Oh we got to do
somethin' 'bout them.
- I think somebody did.
Hey, got a surprise
for you tonight.
- Forget it.
- Oh no, no...
- Ah, again with
a surprise, huh?
- Lovely surprise,
one of our own kids.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Yeah, Jo Anne Worley.
- Oh I love Jo Anne.
- Yeah, come on Jo Anne.
(audience applauding)
- Oh Jo, beautiful.
Oh what are you gonna do, honey?
- I'm going to do a musical
number for you, if I may.
- Oh I love it,
love it, love it.
- Mr. Maestro, please.
- Oh, Mr. Maestro, huh?
(loud banging)
I got rhythm (loud banging)
I got music (loud banging)
I got my man (loud banging)
Who could ask for anything more
Old man trouble I don't mind him
You won't him
round my front door
Back door I got starlight
I got sweet dreams I got my man
Who could ask for anything more
Who could ask for
anything moooooore
(loud banging)
(audience applauding)
- Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Hey, did ya... (screaming)
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Didn't mean to startle you,
you like that, huh?
- Oh boy, that's a little
far out there, I can't...
- You're always,
why don't you show up
with somebody yourself,
then you wouldn't
have to complain.
- Just hold, hmm?
- Well, what is it then?
- I happen to have
brought a goody
right along with me tonight.
- For moi?
- Well, for all of us.
- Oh, really?
- For our viewing pube-lic.
- You have a goody?
- Yeah.
- Who?
- You better, one a the most
unique acts in show business.
- No kiddin'?
- Yeah.
He's an invisible man.
- I don't believe I've ever
seen anything quite like that.
- Well how could you,
I said he was invisible.
- Well is he here now?
- Well, come on now.
I'll bring him out for you.
- Okay.
- All right, ladies
and gentlemen,
I ask all of you to join me
in welcoming Harold Nub.
- Harold Nub?
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, Mr. Nub.
- Good evening, Mr. Martin.
- I thought you said
he was invisible.
- Oh I am invisible.
- You're not, I can
see you standin' there.
- I am invisible,
you can't see me.
- See, I told you.
Tell me Harold, how long
have you been invisible?
- Well, since I
was 12 years old.
One morning I woke
up and I wasn't there.
- Hm.
- Obviously.
- Absolutely fantastic.
And you've never
seen yourself since?
- [Harold] No, never since, no.
- Isn't that amazing.
- Well we certainly
wanna thank you Mr. Nub
for showing up.
- I'm over here, Mr. Rowan.
- Oh (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- There you go.
Lots a people make that
mistake, constantly amusing.
(audience applauding)
- I told you they'd
love Mr. Nub.
- Well, you've
done it again, boy.
But seriously folks.
Here's the world's
foremost juggler,
the fantastic Paul
Gheel-bare, The Fantastic.
(audience applauding)
(plates breaking)
(light whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(plates breaking)
- Another one.
Again.
- Now ladies and
gentlemen tonight,
for the first time anywhere,
the great Jheel-bare will
perform his most difficult trick
in total darkness.
- Music, maestro.
(drum roll)
(plates breaking)
(audience laughing)
- Well what'd you expect?
He's doin' it in the total
darkness, he can't see anything.
- Well I know, but I still...
- Well that's our new
talent for tonight, folks.
I hope you all tune in next week
when the fickle finger of fate
points at more
stars of tomorrow.
- The what?
- The fickle finger of fate,
what would you call it?
- Well I might call it a...
- The, maybe the
fickle finger of fortune.
- No, but I might call it...
- How 'bout the fortunate
fickle finger of fate?
- Now cut that out!
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- This is your
off-stage announcer,
reminding you that this is
your off-stage announcer.
(audience laughing)
- (screaming) Look, there's
one a those cute guards,
get a picture, Henry (laughing).
I'll just fix his,
excuse me a minute,
may I fix your hat?
Give us a smile for the camera.
Come on, smile.
I'll put this down,
you can smile better.
(tickling)
Come on.
(tickling)
You can smile.
Don't be so shy, darling.
(party horn tweeting)
Come on, Henry,
let's find a real guard.
(audience laughing)
(gunshot)
- Thank you.
- There's been a lot
a bad publicity lately
about companies who
turn out war material.
So we found someone who,
though he is manufacturing
wartime products,
is nevertheless looking
ahead to peacetime.
We take you now to Dan
Rowan and Mr. Harvey Blunt.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, Mr. Blunt.
Pleasure to be talking to you.
Exactly what is it
you manufacture?
- Tanks, Blunt tanks.
- Uh-huh, yes, and
what is it you're going to
manufacture in peacetime?
- Tanks, Blunt tanks.
(audience laughing)
- Well what use
are they going to be
when we're not in a war?
- Well our freeways
are congested, right?
- Right.
- Bumper-to-bumper, right?
- That's right.
- Well with a tank,
right up and over, banzi.
(audience laughing)
Flatten out a few a
those women drivers,
they could use it,
I'll tell you that, fella.
You bet your sweet.
- Yes, I, a,
are they safe?
- Safe, are you kidding?
On the highway, who's
gonna hurt a tank?
Listen if Bonnie and
Clyde had driven a tank
they'd be alive today.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, but I...
- And you can park
a tank anywhere.
- Anywhere?
- Who's gonna ticket a tank?
(audience laughing)
- That's true, but
they're pretty expensive.
Can the average citizen
afford one a these?
- Are you kidding?
You don't buy one, you rent.
Don't buy, rent, rent a tank.
Just put a little down then
let 'em try to collect the rest.
(audience laughing)
- Well that'd be a
problem all right.
Well what happens
when the lease runs out?
- Well who's gonna
repossess a tank?
- Well I think you
could get stuck with
a lot of old tanks.
- Oh no we won't, we've
already got that figured out.
You see when the tanks wear out,
we'll just take them
down to Tijuana,
and sell them for cabs.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
(audience laughing)
- Who's that?
- That's Saul, the head
of our service department.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat jingle)
(crashing)
- Tonight the Laugh In
spotlight falls on our own
Judy Carne.
(drum roll)
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Watch it governor, you nearly
caught me on me righty head.
(audience laughing)
- Took it rather
hard, didn't she?
- Well I imagine it
shook her up a little.
- Oh, I...
- Now are you sure we don't
have a shaving commercial?
- I am sure.
- Well, maybe we have
a razor commercial?
- No.
- No.
(exhaling)
- Caroline.
(audience laughing)
- This is your
off-stage announcer,
reminding you that I
have a migraine headache.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Robin
Hood, and I've got a secret.
- Oh really?
I'm a Republican myself.
(audience laughing)
This is my first affair
So please show up
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(ball whistling)
- Very interesting.
(fast-paced, upbeat music)
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks,
it's sock it to me time.
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
- Oh really.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- And the same to you, buddy.
(audience laughing)
- Would you believe Mister
and Missus Ed Smith?
(audience laughing)
- Before moving along, the
whole gang wants to wish you
Happy Valentine's Day.
(gunfire)
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, playful music)
- And now folks, it's time for
the Rowan and Martin report,
when each week Laugh
In looks at the news,
past, present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse
you We just want
To give you our
views La-la-da-da
Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at the news
Here's Dan (audience applauding)
- All right.
Yes, and here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
heeeeere's Dickie.
(audience applauding)
(big band music)
- Hey you're a
wild crowd tonight.
Wow, may the good
fairy swickel your zillman.
(audience laughing)
Hey you know we
have some news today.
Here's an item.
Yesterday the Boy Scouts of
America made Sophia Lauren
an honorary official Boy Scout.
But she refused to
go along with their
good deed for the day.
(audience laughing)
Item, Mrs. Lyndon Johnson
said today in Washington
she is willing to go
anywhere at any time to have
meaningful negotiations
with Eartha Kitt.
(audience laughing)
Item, today the New York
stock market hit an all-time low.
The Dow Jones averages
sunk to a new level.
The decreased volume of
sales gives every indication
that this recession
will continue.
(audience laughing)
(sighing) Little bad news.
- And now with the news 20
years from now, here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- Item, Warsaw, 1988.
A flood of tasteless American
jokes is sweeping Poland.
(audience laughing)
Item, Washington, D.C., 1988.
President Ronald Reagan
today denied once again
that he is a candidate
for the office of governor
of California.
(audience laughing)
Item, 1988.
New Orleans District
Attorney Jim Garrison today
ordered the arrest
of Havana, Cuba.
(audience laughing)
Item, 1988, from
his retreat in Bimini.
Adam Clayton Powell
announced he will once again
run as congressman for Harlem,
and that he'll go
there to campaign,
as soon as somebody
tells him where it is.
(audience laughing)
- Now with the news of the past,
Laugh In goes merrily
back through history
to our man in Coventry,
England in the year 1063.
- Well here we are with
a young lady who's really
shaken up the town a bit.
And now that I get a
closer look, I can see why.
This really is a wonderful
piece of horse flesh
you have here.
- Oh thank you, a lot
of people have said that.
- Oh yes, and what is the name?
- Lady Godiva.
- No, I know your name, I
meant the name of the horse.
- Well, a lot a the fellows
have been calling him Lucky.
(audience laughing)
- I bet, huh.
Is this the first
time that you've
run through the streets naked?
- First time on a horse, yes.
- And you rode through the
streets of Coventry bareback?
- From head to toe.
(audience laughing)
- Well, it certainly is fortunate
that you have long hair.
- Oh, I don't really
have long hair,
they just backcombed the horse.
- I see.
Lady Godiva, you went
on this ride I understand
to protest a tax.
- Oh yes I did.
- Yes, well was it effective?
- Well, it depends which
side a the street you were on.
- Of course, yes.
How do you think this
will effect your future?
- Well I've had
several offers already.
- I can imagine you have, yes.
- Yes, I had a very
interesting offer
from the Blue Boar Inn to
work as a topless waitress.
- [Englishman] Yes.
- And also an offer to be a
jockey at the Folie Bergere.
- Oh, Paris.
- No, Las Vegas.
- I see, well thank
you Lady Godiva,
we've enjoyed this
interview very much.
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Time now for another
Rowan and Martin news feature.
Back to the present with Dick.
- And now for a look
at the European scene,
we take you to Bill
Morgan, our man in the Alps.
Take it away Switzerland.
- Bill Morgan here.
Good news for skiers.
(voice echoing)
More snow this weekend.
(voice echoing)
Well that's all for now.
(voice echoing)
Heeeeeelp!
(voice echoing)
- Thanks Bill.
(voice echoing)
Now here's Judy.
(voice echoing)
- Hi, this is Vicky Nantison,
I'm here at the diplomatic
club in Washington, D.C.,
where many of the powerful
people who run our government
come to relax.
I hope to catch one of these
gentlemen with his guard down
and get him to talk
into the microphone
which is hidden in the pretzels.
And whoever comes by,
I'll try to engage
him in a conversation.
Here comes someone now.
- My fellow American,
is this spot taken?
- Oh, no sir, please join me.
- Thank you very much
and I hope during the
next few minutes we may
have a meaningful exchange
of thoughts and ideas.
(audience laughing)
- We may be on to something.
Would you like a drink, sir?
- Yes, I'll have the usual.
Petternolis and soda, please.
(audience laughing)
- What is that, sir?
- It's just like a
Shirley Temple only
instead of the cherry
they put in refried beans.
(audience laughing)
- Are you with the government?
- No.
I am the government.
- Do you get much time
to spend with your family?
- Yes.
As a matter a fact last
evening my wife and I
sat for my new grandchild
over at my house.
- Oh, you have a new grandchild.
- Yes, it was just
a few months ago
that we welcomed this
small defenseless child
to the warmth of our kisses,
the strength of our arms,
and the shadow of our smile.
(audience laughing)
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- No, it's a prince.
(audience laughing)
- I hope we meet again, sir.
- I do too, and I
want you to know that
any time, and anywhere,
any place I can meet you
I'll be glad to continue
this exchange of
thoughts and ideas,
and I hope that once again
we may reason together.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry guys, but some
nights just nobody shows up.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well that's the Rowan
and Martin report.
- Hey, hey, wait a minute,
you're forgetting
the weather report.
- Me too.
(whimsical, happy music)
Cold wave hitting Miami
Some sleet falling in Kansas
Hot air coming from Holly
Would you all believe it
there's a storm down south
Ice falls up in Alaska
Low clouds over St. Louie
Big storms heading
for Idaho-ho-ho
What a lot of snow
Monsoons out in Hawaii
Bad floods heading for Memphis
We hope swimming's
their favorite sport
Hey kids get your water wings
Hello precipitation
Is all over the nation
That's our happy weather report
Here in lovely downtown Burbank
We're expecting slight showers.
(water splashing)
Oh no, not again!
(crying)
(audience applauding)
- Well that's about it for
the Rowan and Martin report.
- Be sure and watch next
week when we'll be bringing you
a special interview with
Wernher von Braun entitled
I aimed at the stars
and hit London.
(audience applauding)
- I'm so happy to be here.
I'm so happy to be anywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Meanwhile, the mad
scientist continued
with his fiendish plans.
- Oh, have you seen
any of the merry men?
- No, you're the first today.
(audience laughing)
Gonna live til I die
(crashing)
(screaming)
- Very interesting.
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey now here's that
fun time of the show, right?
- Right.
- Station identification time.
- Is that time already?
- Are you sure we don't
have a shaving commercial?
- I am sure.
- Well, I'm gonna take it off,
I'm gonna take it all off.
- Take it off, take it all off.
(jazzy big band music)
(audience laughing)
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
is brought to you by...
(bouncy, upbeat brass music)
Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock
it to me (groans).
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me.
(fast, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- Waiter have you
got corn on the ear?
- No, that's a wart, sir.
- [Dan] And now to sign the
Declaration of Independence,
John Hancock.
(fast, bouncy music)
And now, Thomas Jefferson.
(fast, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- A gentleman writes to
me from Nutley, New Jersey.
Dear Aggie, all my life people
have been taking advantage
of me, signed, Easy Mark.
Dear Easy Mark, I would
suggest that you send
for my new book, How to
Prevent Being Taken Advantage of.
It'll cost you only $5.
Better still, Easy
Mark, make that $10.
(audience laughing)
- That's outrageous.
- Well anyway, I thought
that we talk to you
for a minute or
two here about...
- Excuse me, do you mind?
Could I just have an
autograph, please?
From both of you.
- Sorry lady, we're
just a little bit busy here.
- Oh.
- Hey wait a minute, we
need every fan we can get,
come on.
- You're very kind to do this.
(mumbling)
It's not as though I
don't appreciate it.
- From out a town, are you?
- Oh, yeah (laughing).
Ah Harry, I was right,
the big one is Rowan
and the dummy is Martin.
(audience laughing)
- But seriously folks, now
it's time for the Laugh In's
classified ad department,
network television's
only opportunity
for the little man to
have his message
broadcast all over America.
First tonight, lost and found.
- Found, a gold watch
engraved to Adolph
from Goering and the boys.
Will whoever lost this
watch claim it from the
Israeli agent in the lobby.
(audience laughing)
- Very amusing.
(audience laughing)
- Will the young
lady in the blue coat
who witnessed the
robbery this afternoon
in the bank in beautiful
downtown Burbank
please report at
1534 Elm Street tonight
at midnight, alone.
(audience laughing)
- Bachelor's delight.
Rent a bikini, 50 cents an hour.
Furnished, $50 an hour.
(audience laughing)
- For sale, four
million monkeys.
Call the birth control
experimental center.
(audience laughing)
- Well that just about wraps
up tonight's classified ads.
If any of you have an
item for sale or a message
you'd like included in
future classified ads,
just drop us a line.
- Care of Bullets Durgom.
And he'll see that you
receive an audition for
Horace Heights pot of gold.
(dramatic piano music)
I walked alone
You walked with me
We walked alone
Just we three
You held my arm
You squeezed my flesh
I don't believe that
love could happen
It's a mesh (audience laughing)
- Well I don't know
how that ever got by.
- Looked good on the
Smothers Brothers' show.
(audience laughing)
(music jingle)
- Aw-ha.
- Before proceeding with
the entertainment portion
of tonight's program, here
is an important message.
- Bang, bang, boo, poo.
(audience laughing)
- In 1968 I have decided
to tour the model cities
in my model airplane.
(audience laughing)
- But first you'll have
some chicken soup.
(audience laughing)
- I'm smoking less and
enjoying it more (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- And now folks, here's
a good reason why
the young performers
prefer to work in groups,
it's safer.
- And with that thought, once
more it's time for Laugh In
to present a musical interlude
with The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band,
with a one, and a two,
and... (audience applauding)
Buy for me the rain, my
darling, buy for me the rain
Buy for me the crystal
pools that fall upon the plain
And I'll buy for you a rainbow
and a million pots of gold
Buy it for me now,
babe, before I am too old
I am too old
Buy for me the sun, my
darling, buy for me the sun
Buy for me the light that
falls when day has just begun
And I'll buy for you a shadow
to protect you from the day
Buy it for me now,
babe, before I go away
I'll go away
Buy for me the robin,
darling, buy for me the wing
Buy for me a sparrow,
almost any flying thing
And I'll buy for
you a tree, my love
Where a robin's nest may grow
Buy it for me now, babe,
the years all hurry so
They hurry so
I cannot buy you happiness,
I cannot by you years
I cannot buy you happiness,
in place of all the tears
But I can buy for
you a gravestone
To lay behind your head
Gravestones cheer
the living, dear
They're no use to the dead
No use to the dead
(audience applauding)
- Jack Warner, president of
Warner Brothers Film Studios,
announced the signing of
two bright new stars today,
Ronald Reagan and Dennis Morgan.
Insiders predict a big future
for young Dennis Morgan.
(audience laughing)
- Rub dub dub,
three men in a tub.
(audience laughing)
Play ball, play ball
Everyone likes to play ball
Sometimes you catch it
And sometimes you
miss But when you miss
Remember this Let the ball roll
Let the ball roll No
matter where it may go
Let the ball roll
Let the ball roll
It has to stop sometime you know
Now maybe a truck
Will flatten the ball
And make it look like an egg
Though you can get Many a ball
You can never get a new leg
(audience applauding)
- Moments later.
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
Hours later.
(fast, whimsical music)
Days later.
(doorbell ringing)
- What was that?
- Have you never
heard of the Avon monk?
(audience laughing)
(clanking)
(audience laughing)
- I will be happy to
talk to Milton Berle,
if only he will
stop the bombing.
(audience laughing)
(adventurous music)
(cymbals clanking)
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(audience laughing)
- You really know
how to hurt a guy.
- Communications with
our youth has broken down.
So I have decided to
visit them, in Canada.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy flute music)
(audience laughing)
(fast, happy music)
(audience laughing)
When I'm calling youuuuuuuu
(mumbles) for twooooo
(audience laughing)
- Waiter, have
you got frog's legs?
- No sir, rheumatism.
(audience laughing)
- Would you believe Mister
and Missus Stanislaus Smith?
(audience laughing)
- Friar Tuck, Will,
Scarlet, and I were
waiting for Robin last
night, did he have a date?
- Maid Marian.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(drum pounding)
- Tonight, Mod Mod
World takes a look at
the medical profession.
(fast-paced, energetic music)
Tonight, Maud Maud World
takes a look at medicine.
- So everybody out there
open your mouth and say ahhh.
- You know Dick, we
must be living in medicine's
most productive era.
Hardly a day goes by that
we don't hear some statement
from the medical world.
- That's true, last
night on the news
I heard a doctor say something.
- What'd he say?
- Take two aspirins and
call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- All right, come on,
it's a serious subject.
- I'm sorry, I'm just not
too thrilled with doctors,
that's all.
- Well who takes
care of your health?
- I do, that's who.
Every morning I get up I
take my own temperature.
- No kiddin'.
- Yeah, this morning it was 118.
- Your temperature was 118?
- That's funny, so was mine.
- Ah come on, that's impossible.
If your temperature was
118 you'd now be on your way
to a better, to a happier world,
where everyone
does just as they wish.
- Las Vegas?
- Now, come on, you must
admit your temperature wasn't 118.
- Well I remember it distinctly.
I put the temperature
in my mouth...
- You put the thermometer
in your mouth...
- The glass thing,
the glass thing.
I put it in my mouth,
and then I took it out
and I stirred my coffee,
and I read it.
- So your coffee was 118.
- That's it.
- You know, if you
had a bad cold and
it wasn't gettin' any better,
you'd go see a doctor, right?
- No, I'd have a couple drinks.
- Well now alcohol
isn't a cure for anything.
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- What if you woke up
in the middle of the night
with a sharp pain, then
you'd go screamin' for a doctor.
- I would not, I'd use my
grandmother's old cure.
- Your grandmother had
an old cure for sharp pains?
- Well I guess so.
- No kiddin'?
- Oh yeah, first of
all you get a squirrel
and you put it in a sack.
- You get a squirrel.
- Yeah, put a
squirrel in a sack,
and you put a three
foot piece a string on it,
and you whirl it around your
head 37 times counterclockwise.
And then you jump
up and down on a
snow shoe and sing sweet Sue.
(audience laughing)
- And that's a cure
for sharp pains?
- You're kidding,
I gotta try that.
(audience laughing)
- What you do, you
go see a specialist.
- Well, my doctor's
a specialist.
- What does he specialize in?
- Cigarette commercials.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
I bumped into him
just the other day.
- [Dan] Yeah, what'd he say?
- Take two aspirins
and call me in the morning.
- And call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- You know you're makin'
fun of a group of people
that work night and day to
keep you in perfect health.
- Me?
- That's right.
- Why?
- And every day they
come up with somethin' new.
Look what's going
on today, transplants.
- There's nothing
new about that.
- Wha'da you mean
there's nothing new about it,
it's brand new.
- Ah, come on, a doctor
in our neighborhood
did one years and years ago.
- A transplant?
- Yeah, you see
he was in a garage
having his car fixed, you see.
And this woman came driving
in and she got out of her car
and all of a sudden
she had a seizure.
- She had a seizure?
- Yeah, right
there in the garage.
So he had to think quickly.
- [Dan] Yeah.
- Yeah, he operated on her.
- What'd he do?
- Well he replaced her
kidney with an old carburetor.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, the man
put a carburetor in a woman
for a kidney?
- Well it was an emergency.
- How did it work out?
- Well, she's a little
slow on hills, um...
(audience laughing)
- Oh come one,
for crying out loud.
- Her husband complains
she's a little cold
getting started in the morning.
- All right. (audience laughing)
Will you stop with that's
the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
You know what a
doctor'd say if you told him
a thing like that?
- Take two aspirins and
call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, energetic music)
(drum pounding)
- Times have changed
in the medical field.
Years ago, strikes were
unthinkable for nurses and doctors.
Today, it's not uncommon at all.
- We're here in the waiting
room of Burbank General Hospital
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
with head nurse, Edith Head.
The conditions here
today are appalling.
These people have
been waiting for hours,
no one to help,
beds in the corridors.
No fresh linens, meals are late,
I don't even see
a doctor in sight.
It's appalling.
- Well I couldn't
agree with you more.
But just think what
it's gonna be like
when the strike starts.
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, energetic music)
- Mod Mod World
takes another look
at the medical profession.
- Mr. Frisbee, could I
have one word with you?
- Yeah.
- Well it's very kind of
you to come over here.
I guess driving an ambulance
is pretty exciting work,
isn't it.
- Ooohhh, it sure is, you know,
'cause you go
careening through traffic,
zipping from lane to lane,
running through red lights,
cars, bus, persons
running at you
at all sides, it's really
exciting, it's exciting.
- Taking all those chances
just to get to the patient
as soon as possible.
- No, no, that's
after I get the patient.
Goin' there you gotta drive slow
'cause you can't be too careful
you might get
killed in an accident.
- Oh, well when you
arrive at the emergency,
what is the first thing
you do to help a patient?
- Well, the first thing I do is
I help 'em to fill out the form.
- Oh, the form.
- Yes, you can't do
anything unless you
fill out the form first.
- I see, well what if
he's in critical condition?
- Oh, then you
gotta work real fast,
'cause if I don't get
that form filled out
I'm in real trouble, you know.
- I see.
All right, so you've filled
out the form, then what?
- Well, well, then comes the
most important part of my job.
- What's that?
- That's get the money.
$22 plus eight for
the siren, $2 for the...
(audience laughing)
(dramatic music)
- What medicine
really boils down to is
a war against the germ.
Tonight, we meet a
noble, dedicated man
who is fighting that war.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Doctor Edward Flowers.
(audience applauding)
- This is my life's work.
A pill, containing a
miniature, colored TV camera.
Once this is inside my patient,
I'll be able to see what
the germs are doing.
Swallow this.
- Damn the penicillin,
full speed ahead.
Fire when you see the
whites of their corpuscles.
(audience laughing)
- Oh where do you want
these mumps, Mon General?
(phone ringing)
- What's that?
Hold on a minute.
Listen, they're short on
chicken pox at the front,
do we have any?
- [Man Carrying
Mumps] Ah, yes sir.
- Well don't just stand
there, drop your mumps
and grab your pox.
(audience laughing)
- Sir.
- Your light fell off, chief.
(audience laughing)
- That was strange.
- Emergency, sir.
A capsule just hit the
cough control center.
Look, there's the
first tiny time pill now.
(audience laughing)
- Those butchers.
All right, all units attack.
UA's and flu germs, attack.
Move out, charge.
Commit the reserves.
Fire, fire, fire. (gunfire)
Attack, attack, attack.
(alarm bells ringing)
- Very interesting.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, happy music)
We're four little pills who will
Make you happy
We're four little dolls who will
Cure your ills Give us a try
And make it snappy
We are very
special pills I'm calm
I'm sleep I'm full of life
I keep you feelin' free
Oh I'm a tranquilized
I'm a sleeping
capsule I'm a pep up pill
I'm little ole me
If you're feelin' dull and sicky
I can make your whole world icky
If you let me give
your life a little pep
I'll calm you down
I'll keep you cool
I'll set you straight
When you're out a style
We're terribly nice
and you ought to try us
We're terribly big
in the world today
Walk to the drugstore
Stop and buy us
We will chase your
cares away We're fast
We're safe We really work
We've got a guarantee
I'm a tranquilizer
I'm a sleeping
capsule I'm a pep up pill
I'm little ole me
(audience laughing)
When you've counted your sheep
And you can't go to sleep
I can make all your troubles end
I'll keep you safe
I'll make you sure
In fact they call me
a girl's best friend
We're four favorite
dolls of the population
The popular pills
of the uptight set
There's not a
person in the nation
Who has never tried
us yet We're good
We're bad We're fun and games
We're practicality
I'm a tranquilizer
I'm a sleeping
capsule I'm a pep up pill
I'm little ole me
You can use us
for your traquilizing
You can use us for relaxizing
You can use us for vitality
But when it really
counts, try little ole me
Try little old me
(audience applauding)
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, sweet prince.
- Hey, next week it looks like
we're gonna have a real winner.
We have some...
- Hey I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my uncle once said to me.
- Oh, I'd love to hear
it but we're out of time.
- Next week our guests are...
- It was rather important.
(audience laughing)
- Quick is it?
- Mm-hm.
- Okay.
- He said, "Take two aspirins
and call me in the morning."
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody, hope
you had a good time, we did.
(audience applauding)
- Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating his Christmas pie.
Then they put him
away for many a day
for it was the Fourth of July.
(audience laughing)
- Boo, boo.
- I've got a date with
a used car salesman.
- What's the difference,
as long as he's healthy.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Yeees.
- How come you're knitting
three socks instead of a pair?
- My boyfriend just grew
another foot (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- Do the words fire
alarm ring a bell?
- Did you ever stop to
think that alimony is like
keeping up payments
on a car with four flat tires.
- [Women] Boo, boo.
- Please say you love
me, please, say it, say it.
- I love you.
- You're a liar.
- [Men] Boo, boo.
- Peas, porridge hot,
peas, porridge cold, bleah!
- The Wrigley
Building is chewish.
- That's funny, the Wrigley
Building doesn't look chewish.
(audience laughing)
Pam.
- What'da you think of
the Empire State Building?
- I've never tried it.
(audience laughing)
- I just shot an
elephant in my pajamas.
How it got in my pajamas,
I'll never know (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- There was a young
man from Nantucket
- Who carried around a bucket.
- He filled it with cheese.
- And along came a breeze.
- And made the
whole (mumbling)...
- Ah yeah, yeah.
(audience laughing)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Tijuana.
- Tijuana who?
- Tijuana punch in the nose?
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
(audience laughing)
- The Golden Gate
Bridge is Spanish.
- That's funny, the Golden
Gate Bridge doesn't look Spanish.
- You involved in electronics?
- No actually we're
just good friends.
(audience laughing)
- Can I offer you
a word of advice?
- No thanks, I just put one out.
(audience laughing)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Who.
- Who, who?
(crying)
(audience laughing)
- I know a man who
crossed a cow with a zebra.
- Oh, what'd he get?
- Striped milk.
- I think the playboy
club is just a big front
for a lot a silly girls.
(audience laughing)
- Why of course I
believe you, Mr. Smith.
- All right Freebish, get
the trunk and let's go.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(fast, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- The preceding
was recorded earlier
so we could all go home
and watch ourselves.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jingle)
- Folks, keep those cards
and letters coming in.
- Very interesting, hee-hee-hee.