Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 3 - Tim Conway, Cher, Lorne Greene, Sheldon Leonard, Tiny Tim, Flip Wilson - full transcript
First appearance of Goldie Hawn as a "Regular Performer".
(NBC theme music)
- [Announcer] The
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
- As we left Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin
in last week's episode,
you'll recall Mrs.
Murgatroid was
in the doctor's outer office.
- It is a wise father that
knows his own child.
- I wouldn't do
that if I was you.
- And now, from the
lovely Coconut Room high
atop the unemployment building
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC present's Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(applause)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest stars, the
glamorous Tim Conway
and special guest star, Cher
with Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
and Eileen Brennan,
Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Robby Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Whorley...
yours truly Gary
Owens and Margo as
the friendly drog.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by these really groovy people.
(upbeat groovy music)
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
for your further
listening pleasure,
here are the beautiful melodies
of Dan Rowan with
the songs of Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Hi, well it's very nice
for you to join us here
on the Laugh-In tonight.
Hope you're gonna
enjoy yourself.
You have anything
to add in welcome?
- Well I want to thank the
members of the Academy
for this rare honor
and I accept it,
not alone but behalf
of all those little people
without whose entiring devotion
I never would of been nominated.
(audience laughing)
- Well, we have a show I
think you might enjoy tonight.
A lot of very interesting
people on the show tonight.
Tim Conway is here.
- And John Wayne.
- John Wayne's not here.
- He backed out again?
(audience laughing)
You can't trust those big stars.
- Hold on, now, come on,
you're going to give these people
the wrong impression.
He was never
supposed to be here.
- Well, that's funny, I dreamed
he was on the show tonight,
and I can't understand it.
- Well, that doesn't
make it come true.
- Well, I dreamed you
were on the show tonight,
and you're here.
- Well, just forget John Wayne.
- Forget John Wayne? Never!
- Well, I mean, he's not here
tonight, so just forget him.
- After all the
Indians he killed too.
- Why don't you think
about something...
- All the times
he hit Ward Bond.
- Just a minute, just think
about some of the people
who are here.
- Well, let's see,
there's Raquel Welch.
There's Sophia Loren.
- Now you know they're not here.
- Well, where are they?
- I don't know where they are!
- Let's get them out!
- No, no.
And Cher.
- Ah!
- Cher's here.
- Who?
- Cher, you know,
Sonny and Cher.
- Oh, yes, I was talking
to Sonny backstage.
- Sonny's not here, just Cher.
- Cher without Sonny?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's like
Liz without Richard.
- Well, I don't know,
I thought it might be
kind of interesting for the
folks at home to get to know
Cher for herself.
- It would be kind of
interesting to get to know Liz
for herself too.
- And, as I said, Tim, a very
funny guy, Tim Conway is
with us tonight.
- Is he here, he's great.
- Yeah, yeah, he's going to
do some funny stuff tonight.
- I never saw him
when he wasn't funny.
- Yeah, and let's see,
who else do we have?
- There's you.
- Well, they know I'm
here, they can see me.
I'm trying to think...
- With any luck,
I'll be here later.
- I wouldn't count
on it too much.
And then, of course,
all the rest of the people,
the cast are here.
- Who's that?
- All the regular kooks.
- Where are they?
- They're at the party.
- Oh, yeah, how
come we can't go?
- Well, we been invited.
- Yeah?
- As a matter of
fact, so have you.
Come on, it might be fun.
- Well, let's do it.
(audience applauding)
(groovy 60's party music)
- You know, I think God Save
the Queen was first written
for Oscar Wilde.
- Well, if your heart belongs
to me, how come the rest
of you goes out with
so many other guys?
- Boris and I have the most
violent political arguments.
He thinks the Democrats can
do no wrong, and, of course,
I'm for Johnson.
- It is said that the man
who soweth the oats
in the garden of his
neighbour, perhaps he has not
a pot to plant in.
- Raquel Welch may look
exciting, but man cannot live
by broad alone.
- Hey, it's not that
I'm against marriage.
I'd get married in a minute
if I didn't have to live in.
- Actually, there have
been a lot of successful
show business marriages,
Eddie Fisher-Debbie Reynolds,
Eddie Fisher-Liz Taylor,
Eddie Fisher-Connie Stevens.
- It didn't surprise me
when he was unfrocked.
After all, he shouldn't
have been wearing a frock
in the first place.
- Did Bacon really
write Shakespeare?
- It's difficult to tell.
The postal service was
so bad in those days.
- Doesn't the night go by
fast when you're having fun?
- It wasn't until I met
Heathcliff that I realized
why they call England
"The Mother Country."
- You know, my wife just
doesn't understand me.
- Oh, you married
men are all the same.
- No, I mean it, she
doesn't understand me.
She's Swahili.
- It is well known that the
mariner who steers his ship
on an others' course cares
not if the ship hits the sand.
- Oh, I don't care anymore,
I just want to swing.
- You're not getting me to
take out a marriage licence.
Not until they start
giving learner's permits.
- Sonny and I are
perfectly compatible.
As soon as there's a problem,
my psychiatrist contacts
his psychiatrist,
and they work it out.
- Boris says we'll never
win the war on poverty
until all those poor
people surrender.
- Well, if they make a modern
version of The Old Testament,
then they'll just have
to change that bit
about the Egyptians
beating the Israelites.
- Well, how do you
feel about de Gaulle?
- Well, you mustn't
be too hard on him.
After all, if General de Gaulle
hadn't got out of Vietnam,
you Americans
wouldn't have it today.
(audience applauding)
(puzzling music)
- Okay, folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ha-ha.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
- Very interesting.
(happy organ music)
- My name is Martha Washington.
- My name is Martha Washington.
- My name is Martha Washington.
- Waiter, waiter.
I don't think this
duck is quite done.
- What seems to
be the matter, sir?
- Listen.
(quacking)
- Well, folks out
there in television land,
here's what you've
all been waiting for.
It's Laugh-In New Talent Time.
(orchestral fanfare)
- They could use a little
new talent in that band,
I'll guarantee you.
- Is this anyway
to run an airline?
- And now, folks,
here's a real surprise.
- For them or for me?
- Oh, this is a
surprise for everybody.
- Good, for a minute, I
thought you were going
to bring back Tiny Tim.
- You called, Libra?
(audience applauding)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Tiny Tim.
Yes, and, Dick, wait
until you see this.
Tiny has added a
bit of choreography
to his usual presentation.
- There is nothing usual
about Tiny Tim's presentation.
Oh, tiptoe through the window
By the window,
that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Ahh, tiptoe from the garden
By the garden of the willow tree
And tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Knee deep In flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the
Showers away
And if I kiss you in the garden
In the moonlight,
will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips With me
(audience applauding)
- Well, I'll say this, he
hasn't changed a bit,
I'll guarantee you.
- Oh, you might say he's
like a bottle of fine wine.
He just improves with age.
- I think his cork slipped too.
- It's easy to criticise,
but have you got anything
of a constructive
nature to suggest?
- A-ha, it just so
happens that I have.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as a special guest,
here is a man who claims
to be absolutely infallible
in the field of predictions.
- No kidding?
- How about that?
Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing the Great Nervo.
(audience applauding)
- Hey, that's going
to be pretty exciting.
You can actually predict
what's going to happen
in the future?
- Silence, please, silence.
I have a prediction.
Although I've never seen
either one of you before,
never touched your
face, never felt your teeth,
I predict that some
day you two will meet
and form a great comedy team.
I predict, yes, I can see record
hops, supermarket openings.
I see people cheering,
laughing, smiling, booing,
a few booings.
Well, you can't be
good all the time.
- Sir, sir, sir, we've been
a team for some time now.
- A-ha, don't
fear, it'll happen,
the Great Nervo predicts it.
- Yeah, well, if you say so.
I was just wondering
if you could...
- Silence again,
another prediction.
I see a presidential election.
- Oh, boy, and on our show too!
Good, good, good, go, go!
- Shut up.
Yes, I see a
presidential election.
I see a man named Johnson,
Johnson defeating another man,
another man named
Gold, Gold, Goldwater!
I see a man named Johnson
defeating Barry Goldwater.
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
President Johnson defeated
Barry Goldwater in 1964.
- A-ha, two out of three
for the Great Nervo.
- You haven't told
us anything yet.
- A-ha, silence again, please.
Now, for those of you that
are skeptical, those of you
who not believe, I
have another prediction.
Let me see now, I predict
that there will be a turning point
in the war.
I predict on June
6th, the Allies,
along with the United
States, will storm
the beach of Normandy.
Yes, it'll be a long day.
Correction, it will
be the longest day.
That's June 6, 1944.
- Well, that already happened.
- How dare you
doubt the Great Nervo.
History will bear me out.
- He's got a point there, Dan.
- Uh-huh, yes, shut up.
- Oh.
- Yes, all of my predictions
are 99 percent right.
- 99 percent?
- That's right.
- What about the other
one percent, oh, great one?
- That's when I fool around
trying to predict the future.
I'm not too good in that area.
I have another prediction!
I predict I'm leaving.
- Yeah, that's true.
Get out of here.
- Three in a row.
(audience applauding)
- Who booked this guy?
- I think the same guy
that brought us Tiny Tim,
but you can't win them all.
- Oh-oh, yes, you can,
wait until you see this one.
Yes, here is a real winner,
one of the world's finest
jugglers, all the way
from Paris, France,
Monsieur Paul Gilbert.
(circus music)
- C'est magnifique.
Voila!
1.
2.
3.
Oh, hold it.
- Later that same evening.
- There he was, ta-dum.
- It looks like the French
don't know how to handle China
any better than
we do, doesn't it?
- Yeah, that's about it, folks.
Be sure to tune in next
week, when it may be your turn
for The Fickle Finger of
Fate to beckon you to stardom.
Anything you
want to add to that?
- I wouldn't touch that
with a 10 foot fickle.
(happy organ music)
(ringing)
- Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, hello?
Oh, excuse me, please,
hold on for the moment.
Hello.
Yes, speaking.
Oui, oui.
Oui, yes, you would
like a painting?
Well, may I suggest a
painting, a landscape?
You like that idea?
I don't blame
you, it's very pretty.
You like a landscape
with a brook rolling
through the middle?
Oh, oui, oui, a brook.
And on the brook,
perhaps a canoe?
You don't like a canoe?
Okay, we not have
to use a canoe.
Listen, I can have the
painting ready for you perhaps
in one week.
Satisfactory?
Fine, good-bye.
Arnold, one landscape,
hold the canoe!
- Oh, dear.
- Okay, folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ooh, I fooled him that time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
Sock it to me!
(thudding)
- Ben Franklin, I
knew very intimately.
- Be a pen pal,
write to a shut-in.
Address your cards and
letters to Jimmy Hoffa,
care of your local penitentiary.
- And now, it's time for
the Rowan & Martin Report
when each week
Laugh-In looks at the news,
past, present and future.
Now with the news of
today, here's Richard Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, news buffs.
For those of you that
like your news straight,
here's some news of the present.
Some good news over at
the Bobby Kennedy family.
Ethel's not expecting.
(laughing)
Meanwhile, Lady Bird is
giving up bobby pins for Lent.
(laughing)
Today, multi-millionaire
Nelson Rockefeller received
a most unusual
campaign contribution
when J. Paul Getty presented
him with Howard Hughes.
(laughing)
Curators of the London Art
Museum announced today
that they are still awaiting
further developments
of the long overdue
bust of Twiggy.
(laughing)
When contacted in London,
Twiggy said, "Me too."
(laughing)
And now for a look at the
future with the news headlines
twenty years from now.
It's over to you, Dan Rowan.
- Here are the headlines
twenty years from now.
Item: Cuba, 1988.
Fidel Castro's speech
revealed that following
the acute shortage of
gasoline, tobacco, sugar, rum,
and tabasco sauce, there
is now an acute shortage
of Cubans.
Item: New York City, 1988.
In an attempt to boost circulation,
Time Magazine announced
a new feature.
With each edition, a
free copy of Newsweek.
In addition, there will
be a regular contribution
from the mayor of
Chicago, Mr. Hugh Hefner,
and next week, Time
Magazine will present
their first full-color foldout,
a provocative picture
of William F. Buckley.
Item: The White House, 1988.
President Stokely Carmichael
in his office in Hanoi,
today once again...
Once again repeated that
the United States must get out
of America.
Now back to the
news of the present.
- On the sporting
scenes these days,
there are hard fought battles,
not only on the athletic
fields, but on the campuses
as well.
Take it away, Chic and Chuck.
- Hi, gang, Chic and I are
here at Smedley College
for the live
play-by-play coverage
of today's championship
demonstration.
- Yes, Chuck, it's 53
degrees here, perfect weather
for a riot.
- Chic, Chic, there's a
play going on right now.
It's a beautiful block.
Oh, it's a dandy of a block.
- That's a good one, yeah.
- A whole block of
Smedley's finest buildings
being torn apart by an
enthusiastic group of students.
If you're scoring at
home, that's five big points
for the students.
- You know, Chuck, today's
demonstration certainly
has proven that a good
education is no deterrent
to a good riot.
- That's right, hey, 10
students led by Mitch Flange,
everybody's All-un-American.
- [Chic] Come on, Mitch!
- They're rushing the
man from Dow Chemicals.
He's going to kick.
It's a beautiful end over
end boot, two standing...
Two students landed all
the way in the backyard
of the biology building.
- You know, that's a costly
infraction for the students.
The penalty, of course,
is immediate induction
into the army.
- Yeah, that's right.
Hey, a couple of dozen
students have stopped a bus.
They're rocking it,
passengers are falling out.
Oh, it's a great play.
Let's see that one again
on the instant replay.
Yeah, here comes
the bus, rocking it.
(sirens blaring)
Over it goes.
- The instant replay
isn't working, Chuck.
I think that was another bus.
- Oh, that's another
extra five points.
Hey, the campus police
have been called in.
There goes the tear
gas gun signalling the end
of the today's big contest,
and it's another victory
for the students.
- Yes, Chuck, and they
will undoubtedly be invited
to meet Berkeley in the
National Championship
New Year's Day.
- Oh, that'll be a
big day for all of us.
We'll bring you a full
day of riots, a real fun day.
In the morning, from
Fort Lauderdale, for you
on the east coast,
and in the afternoon,
from Newport Beach
for you folks out there
on the west coast.
Well, that's it, Chuck.
- Well, thanks, Chic.
- Okay, Chic, ah, Chuck.
- When we take over, I'm
going to look out for you.
- And now tripping merrily
backward through time,
the Laugh-In News takes
you back to early Virginia,
and the home of
Mr. And Mrs. John Smith.
She's the former Pocahontas.
Take it away, Dan
Rowan, our man in the past.
- Well, it's been a
few years, John Smith,
since they had your head
on the chopping block,
how you been getting along?
- Real fine, Dan, real fine
here at the reservation.
As a matter of fact, the
Indians even have a little name
for me now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
They call me Running Chicken.
(Dan laughing)
- [Dan] When did
you get that name?
- Right after they put my
head on that chopping block.
- And Pocahontas?
- Yes, I do.
- You did a very brave
thing throwing yourself
in front of John before
he was hit with the club.
- It wasn't brave, it was dumb.
- Oh, well, see, she
took the brunt of the blow.
- I see.
- It still hurts when it rains.
- Yeah.
- What line are you in, John?
- I'm with Natural Navajo
now, it's communications.
We make smoke signals
and wet blankets and so forth.
Right now, we're working
on a huge signal, see,
and we're going to
float it right over LA,
and then just kind of
leave it there forever.
- Yeah, that's a position
of some importance, isn't it?
- Top of the totem pole.
Local joke, Dan.
- [Dan] Yes.
- My father put
him in the business.
- [Dan] Oh, how is your father?
- Oh, he's fine,
he's on vacation.
- [Dan] Oh, really,
enjoying himself?
- No, not too much.
You see, he couldn't get a room.
He didn't have a reservation.
That's another local joke.
Sweetheart.
- Pokie.
- Well, if you can
do them, I can.
What?
- Yes, that's all right,
I hate to break you up.
You're such a fun couple, but
when you're away from home,
do you have any trouble,
John, I mean, you being white
and the missus here...
- [John] You can say
it, go ahead, she knows.
- Well, she's red.
- Yes, she is.
Yes, you don't know
the half of it, Dan.
- Oh, no, John and I have
never been able to check
into a hotel in this country.
- [Dan] Oh, pity.
- Yes, see, the minute
I sign the register
Mr. & Mrs. John
Smith, right out.
- Well, good luck.
- Well, that's it for the
Rowan & Martin Report.
Tune in next week when Laugh-In
presents a look at the news
past, present and future.
Hey, incidentally,
here's a funny item.
Isn't that funny?
- Yeah, it really is.
- Thank you.
- Here's the headline
we'd most like to see
in the coming week.
And don't miss our report
next Monday night, same time,
same station, when Laugh-In
will bring you live coverage
of a Cleveland bank robbery.
- In the meantime, we
would just like to say
that may all of the things
that have happened find
a new way, and may
they nurl your zippy.
- Stepping into the
silver blue spotlight is
the ever-popular
Gwendolyn Greps.
No more money in the bank
No sweet babies we can spank
What to do about it
Let's put out the
light and eat the bulb
(puffing)
(note ringing)
(puffing)
(note ringing)
(puffing)
(note ringing)
(humming)
Row, row, row your boat
She'll becoming around
The mountain when she comes
She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes
Standing around the
mountain He's 106 today
106 today
Hi-ho the dairy-oh,
he's 106 today
- [Man] Blow them all out.
- [Woman] Come
on, oh, you can do it.
(cheering)
(buzzing)
(screaming)
- Very interesting.
- En garde!
- Now we take a moment out
for stations all over the country
to identify themselves.
(all screaming
station call letters)
- One at a time!
One at a time!
- The second half of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by...
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- [English Man] I'm terribly
sorry, I can't understand
what you're saying.
- I said, it's sock
it to me time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me!
- You got to be putting me on.
I got you, babe
(goofy horn music)
- Very interesting.
- My wooden teeth is something
many people ask about.
It's because of
Martha's rotten candy.
- Tonight, the subject of
Mod, Mod World is money.
(upbeat dance music)
Tonight, Mod, Mod
World looks at money.
- Hey, that sounds
fascinating, I'm sorry I missed it.
- You haven't missed
it, we haven't done it yet.
- Well, if you do
it, let me know.
I wouldn't want to miss it.
- Yeah, I thought we
might do it right about now.
(maniacal laughing)
- Oh, you guys,
you're the greatest.
I've seen them all.
Abbott and Costello, Laurel
and Hardy, Martin and Lewis...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
some of them do get away.
I'm sorry, sir.
(audience applauding)
- Woo.
- Moving right along
now with Mod, Mod World.
The subject, as I
said before, is money.
- I didn't know that.
- Yes, now all over the
world, there's all different kinds
of money.
For instance, the
French use francs.
It always hasn't been
that way, of course.
Many years ago,
right in this country,
the Indians used
to trade with beans.
What do you think of that?
- Hey, why don't we get
some French Indians together
for dinner and have
some francs and beans?
- This is really a little more
serious subject than that.
Don't you care
anything about money?
- Oh, easy come, easy go,
I spend every nickel I get.
- Tsk-Tsk.
- What?
- Oh, is that wrong,
oh, is that wrong.
- Why?
- You're going to have
to think about the future.
You know, you're not in
any kind of a retirement plan.
You're going to have
to take care of it yourself.
Who's going to look after
you when you're an old man?
Who'd going to nurse you
when you're sick and take care
of you when you're old?
Who'd going to worry about
you when you're old and grey?
- Lyndon Baines Johnson.
- That's not what I
mean, and you know it.
I mean, you got to save
something up for your old age,
put it away.
- I got all I need, and
I got it in a safe place.
- What do you got savings
bonds, you got in a bank?
- No, I got it in my mattress.
- Your mattress?
- Yeah.
- You're saving
money in a mattress?
- Sure, got $17,000
in my mattress.
- No kidding.
Hey, well, I imagine you
sleep a little better at night
knowing you have
all that money there?
- Well, not really,
it's all in coins.
- You know, you may have
stumbled into a fortune.
You may not realize it.
You know, if it's all in coins,
you may have a lot more
than $17,000.
- Yeah?
- Read a book on numismatism.
- I know all about
that, my aunt had it.
She couldn't lift her arm up.
- No, no, that's rheumatism.
I'm talking about
saving old coins.
Some of them may
be very valuable.
- I happen to have a
vary valuable penny.
- Is it real old?
- Oh, 1491.
- The country wasn't
even discovered until 1492.
- That's what
makes it so valuable.
- There was a touch
of sarcasm as he said...
- And so, folks, with that in
mind, let's move right along
now to Mod, Mod World of Money.
We're living in the
age of the credit card,
the buy now, pay later plan.
Cash is almost obsolete.
Let's show you what we mean.
- Next, can I help you, sir?
- Oh, yes, thank you,
I'd like a round trip ticket
to Chicago, please.
- All right, sir, you'll be
leaving Los Angeles at 12:05
on Flight 431...
and that will be
$237.40, including tax.
May I see your credit
card, please, sir?
- I don't have a credit card.
- Well then, we'd
be glad to accept
your personal check, sir.
- No, no, I don't think you
understand, I want to pay cash.
Thank you.
- Well, what are you,
some kind of nut?
- I just want to pay.
- Look, sir, there are other
customers waiting, please.
What is this?
- This is cash!
I just want to buy
an airline ticket!
- Sir, this is highly irregular.
I mean, don't you have
some sort of identification?
- What do you
mean identification?
I just want a ticket.
I want to pay for it with
good old American cash.
- Well, I will have
to call my supervisor.
Hello, hello, Mr. Thompson,
I'm sorry to bother you,
but there's a gentleman here
who insists on paying cash
for his ticket.
What?
Really?
Oh, well, I didn't know that.
I see, thank you.
Well, I want to apologize.
It's just that this is so
irregular, but we would be
very pleased to
accept your cash.
That will be $237.40.
- 40 cents.
- Oh, sir, one more thing.
- What's that?
- May I please see
your cash card?
(groovy dance music)
- It has been stated that
women control the wealth
of America.
They are the major
buying powers.
They can buy a series of
investments, move the stock market
up and down.
They are the financial
wizards of today.
- He has been giving
me so much trouble,
you don't realize, of course.
- Really?
- Of course, he always does.
- Oh, waiter, oh, waiter,
$24.75, this can't be right.
- No, no, lady, that's the
address, 2475 Madison.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Here's the amount, $11.34.
- I'm sorry.
$11.34.
Now girls, how many
times does four go into that?
- At least four.
- You shouldn't have those
daiquiris in the afternoon.
- But I just had one and a half.
- But they're
charging you for two.
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, who had the tax?
- Oh, my goodness.
- Now come on, let's
all pay for what we had.
Louella, you had the
yogurt, the health salad,
the wheatgerm bread,
three martinis and a beer.
- And the other
half of my daiquiri.
- Oh, here's a dollar, that
should take care of everything
plus the tip.
- Okay.
Mary Anne.
- Well, I had chili and
beans and two sweet rolls.
- Plus the pumpkin
pie a la mode.
And the diet lemonade.
- Listen, I hope it
doesn't spoil my dinner.
What's my share?
- It's $11.34, right?
Four into that is $1.97
and a half cents each.
- Right.
- Let's make it come out even.
If we add a tip of 57
cents, it'll come out even.
- 57 cents?
Oh, goody, now I can
get that little farm up
in Connecticut.
- I only had a watercress
sandwich, not that's not fair.
- I don't see why I should
have to pay as much as Louella.
She had at least
three dollars worth.
- Well, you did have those
three martinis at 80 cents each.
That's $2.40, plus
a beer, that's $2.65.
- Well, really?
- Plus the other
half of my daiquiri.
That is at least 37 cents.
- Ah, you dreadful young man!
- Well, let's see, you
got the chicken soup.
That's 35 cents.
You got the chicken pot pie.
(groovy dance music)
And now, Judy, Cher and
Eileen continue Laugh-In's
look at the world of money
with a feminine point of view.
(classical harpsichord music)
The very first word that
Adam heard from Eve
Put him in a
worrisome state of mind
And ever since then all
manner of men believe
Women are the ruin of mankind
It's now a fact that
women have the riches
While men declare we're
all such greedy witches
- The women's national anthem.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme cash
Gimme, gimme,
gimme diamond rings
Give me an oil
well to pay my rent
Gimme, gimme, gimme anything
Gimme, gimme, gimme mink
And I'll never more be blue
And when you've
given me all you've got
Then I'll give something to you
Like a kiss on the forehead
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme moon
Gimme, gimme, gimme space
I'd love some
land to call my own
Like France or
Spain or any place
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme yacht
And a crew of 20 young men
We'll sail the briny
for a year or two
I'll never be greedy again
That's my kind of trip
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme love
Gimme, gimme, gimme a kiss
Gimme the stars
and romantic songs
All the things that go amiss
Gimme, gimme,
gimme marriage vows
And a million dollars or two
And we'll live the
simple contented life
Just me, the money, and you
Until I see my lawyer
Just give me the bread and you
Gimme, gimme, gimme love
(audience applauding)
- Remember, in case
of ties, duplicate prizes
will be awarded
to your loved ones.
- I can't stand it!
I can't stand those natives'
drums, they're driving me mad!
They're driving me
mad, I can't stand it!
(record scratching)
- Oh, you've got bad breath too.
- En garde!
(chanting sock it
to me continuously)
- And now, folks, once
again, it's sock it to me time.
(chanting sock it
to me continuously)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me!
(cheery organ music)
- Stick'em up!
- One of the reasons
why people talking for me
about crossing standing
on a boat the Delaware.
This is the reason.
I was making a delivery for
Martha with the rotten candy.
- That's not nice.
- At that very moment,
in another part of town...
(triumphant orchestral music)
- Oooh!
- Oooh!
- [Both] Oooh!
Sweetheart Oh, sweetheart
At last we know
the mystery of life
We'll clean her
up, in the meantime
When you at last become my wife
But the mountie (Cher
drowning him out)
Oh, sweetheart Sweetheart
Til San Francisco tumbles
Til the High Sierra crumbles
I'll be wanting
You
(audience applauding)
- Now it's time for the Laugh-In
Classified Ad Department,
network television's only
opportunity for the little man
to have his message
broadcast all over America.
First, our personal ad.
- Hey, hey, here's one
"For sale, genuine
man-eating piranha
"direct from the Amazon.
"Call KL-58733,
"and ask for Lefty."
- "Girls in trouble,
call KL-6777
"and ask for Sister
Mary Edwards."
- "Girls looking for
trouble, call KL-56777.
"If Sister Mary
answers, hang up."
- "Mom, don't worry, I'm
just trying to find myself.
"I'll write as soon as
I'm settled, love, Dad."
- And that about wraps it up
for our classified ads tonight.
Hey, if any of you folks at
home would like to participate,
you have an item to sell
or to trade, or if you have
a message you'd like
included in future classified ads,
just drop a line.
- Care of Keith Burcell, and
you'll receive absolutely free.
(fanfare music)
- Tonight, Laugh-In
salutes censorship.
- Yes, folks, it's salute time.
- Well done.
Each week is our policy to
speak up for people and causes
who are all too
often misunderstood.
And tonight, we proudly
salute censorship.
- Goody, censors are
a (bleep) bunch of guys.
What we would ever
do without censorship?
How would we battle
through without censorship?
We would be exposed
to every literary nut
We would be the victims
of obscenity and smut
How would we read a
book without censorship?
How could we see
a TV show or play?
We hate the naughty
movie cult for treating us
Like we're adult Because
we love censorship
(audience applauding)
- Kids, do you realize
what life would be
without the brave
little band of censors,
these dedicated few who
protect you from naughty words,
shield you from suggestive
pictures, and guard you
from the sight of
the human body?
Do you have even the
slightest idea how they are
constantly on the alert
to ward off vulgarity,
stamp out smut, and,
most of all, rid the world
of sex and all that filth?
As an unmarried
good girl, I say, "All hail,
"ye old censor,
hail to the society
"to which he has dedicated
himself, this lonesome man
"armed with but a
tattered book of rules,
"a red pencil worn to the
nub with his own moral fiber,
"without support of
court or government,
"he stands alone in the
crosswalk of life directing
"you, me, and good people
everywhere, regardless
"of race, creed or publisher.
"To heaven, lest by our
own sins, we fall into heck.
"Yes, hail to ye old censor.
"Hail, and hail to the
stork which brought him."
Ladies and gentlemen,
you'll have to excuse me,
but, as you can see,
this is a subject very close
to my heart.
Frankly, I was just
afraid I wouldn't get
the damn thing right.
- Hey, man, I don't
want my kids hearing
all them dirty
words in the movies.
They get enough of that at home.
- Russia banned free
speech 50 years ago.
Boris says we're falling
behind in the censorship race.
- We're safe on
radio and television.
Now let's get busy
on word of mouth.
- Let's clean up
those honeymoons.
Come on, kids.
- And lets get sex
education out of schools
and put it back where it
belongs in the pool halls.
- You don't have to talk
dirty to have a good time.
You can peek in peoples'
windows and listen in
on party lines.
- Playboy is bad enough,
but what about those seamy
little jokes in Reader's Digest?
- I say we can't be too careful.
Let's put a bra on
Little Orphan Annie.
- And what about the buffalo?
- A bra on a buffalo?
- What you don't
know won't hurt you,
and if it does hurt you,
at least you won't know it.
- That's right.
Folks, censorship
is your friend.
Join the crusade.
The next time someone says
"Sticks and stones can break
"our bones, but words can
never hurt us," set them straight.
- Hit them with
a stick or a stone.
(cheering)
Actors would say
(bleep) without censorship
Dancers would show
(bleep) without censorship
Just imagine all the (bleep)
things that they would do
(bleeping)
Just to name a few
We would see naked
truth without censorship
We would be prey
to elbow, wrist and hip
So shield us from reality,
from senior immorality
Because we love Censorship
- Bravo.
And that's our
salute for tonight.
If it offended you in any
way, send your (bleep) letters
to...
- Mr. Sandy (bleep)
Cummings, NBC (bleep)
3000 West (bleep) Avenue,
Burbank, (bleep), California,
zip code, (bleep) 03.
- Blue skies and green
lights for you folks out there
in radio land.
- I like colored people.
In fact, a colored
lady raised me.
(yelling)
(drum roll)
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, good night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
- You, devil, you.
And next week, we have
a great line-up for you.
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great grandmother
once said to me.
- Oh, I'd like to hear it,
Dick, but we are out of time.
Next week, our
guests are a couple of...
- She was locked in a silo
for 14 days with a live pig.
- Oh, I'm happy you
brought that to our attention.
Next week, as I
started saying...
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she got out
of the silo would be of interest
to our television viewers.
- Well, I don't know
about them, but I'd be kind
of interested to hear.
- Well, my grandmother
came out of the silo.
Oh, boy, she came out fast too.
And, ah, by golly, what she...
I better not tell them.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody, I
hope you had a good time.
- Will the real Toulouse-Lautrec
please stand up?
- Does the name
Avon Lady ring a bell?
- It's like this.
If you like Burbank,
you're going to love Paris.
- Will the New York
Mets please report
to their choreographer
immediately?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Uma.
- Uma who?
- You make me feel so young.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Richard Burton.
- Would you step out a moment?
I'd like to talk to your wife.
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
and all the King's men
had omelettes.
- You all know there's a small
hotel in dowtown Burbank?
- No, but if you harm a
few bars, I can fake it.
- As Shakespeare once said,
"Anne Hathaway about her,
"hasn't she?"
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Gorilla.
- Gorilla who?
Gorilla of my dreams, I love you
- Did you hear about the
horse who couldn't sleep?
- [Dan] No.
- Too many nightmares.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Phil and Sally.
- Phil and Sally who?
Phil and Sally to get
you in a taxi, honey
- Oh, nuts!
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Norden.
- Norden who?
(singing opera)
(goofy organ music)
(screaming)
- That's not nice.
- This program was
prerecorded because there was
just no other way.
- Very interesting.
(one person clapping)
- [Announcer] The
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
- As we left Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin
in last week's episode,
you'll recall Mrs.
Murgatroid was
in the doctor's outer office.
- It is a wise father that
knows his own child.
- I wouldn't do
that if I was you.
- And now, from the
lovely Coconut Room high
atop the unemployment building
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC present's Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(applause)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest stars, the
glamorous Tim Conway
and special guest star, Cher
with Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
and Eileen Brennan,
Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Robby Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Whorley...
yours truly Gary
Owens and Margo as
the friendly drog.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by these really groovy people.
(upbeat groovy music)
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
for your further
listening pleasure,
here are the beautiful melodies
of Dan Rowan with
the songs of Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Hi, well it's very nice
for you to join us here
on the Laugh-In tonight.
Hope you're gonna
enjoy yourself.
You have anything
to add in welcome?
- Well I want to thank the
members of the Academy
for this rare honor
and I accept it,
not alone but behalf
of all those little people
without whose entiring devotion
I never would of been nominated.
(audience laughing)
- Well, we have a show I
think you might enjoy tonight.
A lot of very interesting
people on the show tonight.
Tim Conway is here.
- And John Wayne.
- John Wayne's not here.
- He backed out again?
(audience laughing)
You can't trust those big stars.
- Hold on, now, come on,
you're going to give these people
the wrong impression.
He was never
supposed to be here.
- Well, that's funny, I dreamed
he was on the show tonight,
and I can't understand it.
- Well, that doesn't
make it come true.
- Well, I dreamed you
were on the show tonight,
and you're here.
- Well, just forget John Wayne.
- Forget John Wayne? Never!
- Well, I mean, he's not here
tonight, so just forget him.
- After all the
Indians he killed too.
- Why don't you think
about something...
- All the times
he hit Ward Bond.
- Just a minute, just think
about some of the people
who are here.
- Well, let's see,
there's Raquel Welch.
There's Sophia Loren.
- Now you know they're not here.
- Well, where are they?
- I don't know where they are!
- Let's get them out!
- No, no.
And Cher.
- Ah!
- Cher's here.
- Who?
- Cher, you know,
Sonny and Cher.
- Oh, yes, I was talking
to Sonny backstage.
- Sonny's not here, just Cher.
- Cher without Sonny?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's like
Liz without Richard.
- Well, I don't know,
I thought it might be
kind of interesting for the
folks at home to get to know
Cher for herself.
- It would be kind of
interesting to get to know Liz
for herself too.
- And, as I said, Tim, a very
funny guy, Tim Conway is
with us tonight.
- Is he here, he's great.
- Yeah, yeah, he's going to
do some funny stuff tonight.
- I never saw him
when he wasn't funny.
- Yeah, and let's see,
who else do we have?
- There's you.
- Well, they know I'm
here, they can see me.
I'm trying to think...
- With any luck,
I'll be here later.
- I wouldn't count
on it too much.
And then, of course,
all the rest of the people,
the cast are here.
- Who's that?
- All the regular kooks.
- Where are they?
- They're at the party.
- Oh, yeah, how
come we can't go?
- Well, we been invited.
- Yeah?
- As a matter of
fact, so have you.
Come on, it might be fun.
- Well, let's do it.
(audience applauding)
(groovy 60's party music)
- You know, I think God Save
the Queen was first written
for Oscar Wilde.
- Well, if your heart belongs
to me, how come the rest
of you goes out with
so many other guys?
- Boris and I have the most
violent political arguments.
He thinks the Democrats can
do no wrong, and, of course,
I'm for Johnson.
- It is said that the man
who soweth the oats
in the garden of his
neighbour, perhaps he has not
a pot to plant in.
- Raquel Welch may look
exciting, but man cannot live
by broad alone.
- Hey, it's not that
I'm against marriage.
I'd get married in a minute
if I didn't have to live in.
- Actually, there have
been a lot of successful
show business marriages,
Eddie Fisher-Debbie Reynolds,
Eddie Fisher-Liz Taylor,
Eddie Fisher-Connie Stevens.
- It didn't surprise me
when he was unfrocked.
After all, he shouldn't
have been wearing a frock
in the first place.
- Did Bacon really
write Shakespeare?
- It's difficult to tell.
The postal service was
so bad in those days.
- Doesn't the night go by
fast when you're having fun?
- It wasn't until I met
Heathcliff that I realized
why they call England
"The Mother Country."
- You know, my wife just
doesn't understand me.
- Oh, you married
men are all the same.
- No, I mean it, she
doesn't understand me.
She's Swahili.
- It is well known that the
mariner who steers his ship
on an others' course cares
not if the ship hits the sand.
- Oh, I don't care anymore,
I just want to swing.
- You're not getting me to
take out a marriage licence.
Not until they start
giving learner's permits.
- Sonny and I are
perfectly compatible.
As soon as there's a problem,
my psychiatrist contacts
his psychiatrist,
and they work it out.
- Boris says we'll never
win the war on poverty
until all those poor
people surrender.
- Well, if they make a modern
version of The Old Testament,
then they'll just have
to change that bit
about the Egyptians
beating the Israelites.
- Well, how do you
feel about de Gaulle?
- Well, you mustn't
be too hard on him.
After all, if General de Gaulle
hadn't got out of Vietnam,
you Americans
wouldn't have it today.
(audience applauding)
(puzzling music)
- Okay, folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ha-ha.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
- Very interesting.
(happy organ music)
- My name is Martha Washington.
- My name is Martha Washington.
- My name is Martha Washington.
- Waiter, waiter.
I don't think this
duck is quite done.
- What seems to
be the matter, sir?
- Listen.
(quacking)
- Well, folks out
there in television land,
here's what you've
all been waiting for.
It's Laugh-In New Talent Time.
(orchestral fanfare)
- They could use a little
new talent in that band,
I'll guarantee you.
- Is this anyway
to run an airline?
- And now, folks,
here's a real surprise.
- For them or for me?
- Oh, this is a
surprise for everybody.
- Good, for a minute, I
thought you were going
to bring back Tiny Tim.
- You called, Libra?
(audience applauding)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Tiny Tim.
Yes, and, Dick, wait
until you see this.
Tiny has added a
bit of choreography
to his usual presentation.
- There is nothing usual
about Tiny Tim's presentation.
Oh, tiptoe through the window
By the window,
that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Ahh, tiptoe from the garden
By the garden of the willow tree
And tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Knee deep In flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the
Showers away
And if I kiss you in the garden
In the moonlight,
will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips With me
(audience applauding)
- Well, I'll say this, he
hasn't changed a bit,
I'll guarantee you.
- Oh, you might say he's
like a bottle of fine wine.
He just improves with age.
- I think his cork slipped too.
- It's easy to criticise,
but have you got anything
of a constructive
nature to suggest?
- A-ha, it just so
happens that I have.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as a special guest,
here is a man who claims
to be absolutely infallible
in the field of predictions.
- No kidding?
- How about that?
Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing the Great Nervo.
(audience applauding)
- Hey, that's going
to be pretty exciting.
You can actually predict
what's going to happen
in the future?
- Silence, please, silence.
I have a prediction.
Although I've never seen
either one of you before,
never touched your
face, never felt your teeth,
I predict that some
day you two will meet
and form a great comedy team.
I predict, yes, I can see record
hops, supermarket openings.
I see people cheering,
laughing, smiling, booing,
a few booings.
Well, you can't be
good all the time.
- Sir, sir, sir, we've been
a team for some time now.
- A-ha, don't
fear, it'll happen,
the Great Nervo predicts it.
- Yeah, well, if you say so.
I was just wondering
if you could...
- Silence again,
another prediction.
I see a presidential election.
- Oh, boy, and on our show too!
Good, good, good, go, go!
- Shut up.
Yes, I see a
presidential election.
I see a man named Johnson,
Johnson defeating another man,
another man named
Gold, Gold, Goldwater!
I see a man named Johnson
defeating Barry Goldwater.
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
President Johnson defeated
Barry Goldwater in 1964.
- A-ha, two out of three
for the Great Nervo.
- You haven't told
us anything yet.
- A-ha, silence again, please.
Now, for those of you that
are skeptical, those of you
who not believe, I
have another prediction.
Let me see now, I predict
that there will be a turning point
in the war.
I predict on June
6th, the Allies,
along with the United
States, will storm
the beach of Normandy.
Yes, it'll be a long day.
Correction, it will
be the longest day.
That's June 6, 1944.
- Well, that already happened.
- How dare you
doubt the Great Nervo.
History will bear me out.
- He's got a point there, Dan.
- Uh-huh, yes, shut up.
- Oh.
- Yes, all of my predictions
are 99 percent right.
- 99 percent?
- That's right.
- What about the other
one percent, oh, great one?
- That's when I fool around
trying to predict the future.
I'm not too good in that area.
I have another prediction!
I predict I'm leaving.
- Yeah, that's true.
Get out of here.
- Three in a row.
(audience applauding)
- Who booked this guy?
- I think the same guy
that brought us Tiny Tim,
but you can't win them all.
- Oh-oh, yes, you can,
wait until you see this one.
Yes, here is a real winner,
one of the world's finest
jugglers, all the way
from Paris, France,
Monsieur Paul Gilbert.
(circus music)
- C'est magnifique.
Voila!
1.
2.
3.
Oh, hold it.
- Later that same evening.
- There he was, ta-dum.
- It looks like the French
don't know how to handle China
any better than
we do, doesn't it?
- Yeah, that's about it, folks.
Be sure to tune in next
week, when it may be your turn
for The Fickle Finger of
Fate to beckon you to stardom.
Anything you
want to add to that?
- I wouldn't touch that
with a 10 foot fickle.
(happy organ music)
(ringing)
- Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, hello?
Oh, excuse me, please,
hold on for the moment.
Hello.
Yes, speaking.
Oui, oui.
Oui, yes, you would
like a painting?
Well, may I suggest a
painting, a landscape?
You like that idea?
I don't blame
you, it's very pretty.
You like a landscape
with a brook rolling
through the middle?
Oh, oui, oui, a brook.
And on the brook,
perhaps a canoe?
You don't like a canoe?
Okay, we not have
to use a canoe.
Listen, I can have the
painting ready for you perhaps
in one week.
Satisfactory?
Fine, good-bye.
Arnold, one landscape,
hold the canoe!
- Oh, dear.
- Okay, folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ooh, I fooled him that time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
Sock it to me!
(thudding)
- Ben Franklin, I
knew very intimately.
- Be a pen pal,
write to a shut-in.
Address your cards and
letters to Jimmy Hoffa,
care of your local penitentiary.
- And now, it's time for
the Rowan & Martin Report
when each week
Laugh-In looks at the news,
past, present and future.
Now with the news of
today, here's Richard Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, news buffs.
For those of you that
like your news straight,
here's some news of the present.
Some good news over at
the Bobby Kennedy family.
Ethel's not expecting.
(laughing)
Meanwhile, Lady Bird is
giving up bobby pins for Lent.
(laughing)
Today, multi-millionaire
Nelson Rockefeller received
a most unusual
campaign contribution
when J. Paul Getty presented
him with Howard Hughes.
(laughing)
Curators of the London Art
Museum announced today
that they are still awaiting
further developments
of the long overdue
bust of Twiggy.
(laughing)
When contacted in London,
Twiggy said, "Me too."
(laughing)
And now for a look at the
future with the news headlines
twenty years from now.
It's over to you, Dan Rowan.
- Here are the headlines
twenty years from now.
Item: Cuba, 1988.
Fidel Castro's speech
revealed that following
the acute shortage of
gasoline, tobacco, sugar, rum,
and tabasco sauce, there
is now an acute shortage
of Cubans.
Item: New York City, 1988.
In an attempt to boost circulation,
Time Magazine announced
a new feature.
With each edition, a
free copy of Newsweek.
In addition, there will
be a regular contribution
from the mayor of
Chicago, Mr. Hugh Hefner,
and next week, Time
Magazine will present
their first full-color foldout,
a provocative picture
of William F. Buckley.
Item: The White House, 1988.
President Stokely Carmichael
in his office in Hanoi,
today once again...
Once again repeated that
the United States must get out
of America.
Now back to the
news of the present.
- On the sporting
scenes these days,
there are hard fought battles,
not only on the athletic
fields, but on the campuses
as well.
Take it away, Chic and Chuck.
- Hi, gang, Chic and I are
here at Smedley College
for the live
play-by-play coverage
of today's championship
demonstration.
- Yes, Chuck, it's 53
degrees here, perfect weather
for a riot.
- Chic, Chic, there's a
play going on right now.
It's a beautiful block.
Oh, it's a dandy of a block.
- That's a good one, yeah.
- A whole block of
Smedley's finest buildings
being torn apart by an
enthusiastic group of students.
If you're scoring at
home, that's five big points
for the students.
- You know, Chuck, today's
demonstration certainly
has proven that a good
education is no deterrent
to a good riot.
- That's right, hey, 10
students led by Mitch Flange,
everybody's All-un-American.
- [Chic] Come on, Mitch!
- They're rushing the
man from Dow Chemicals.
He's going to kick.
It's a beautiful end over
end boot, two standing...
Two students landed all
the way in the backyard
of the biology building.
- You know, that's a costly
infraction for the students.
The penalty, of course,
is immediate induction
into the army.
- Yeah, that's right.
Hey, a couple of dozen
students have stopped a bus.
They're rocking it,
passengers are falling out.
Oh, it's a great play.
Let's see that one again
on the instant replay.
Yeah, here comes
the bus, rocking it.
(sirens blaring)
Over it goes.
- The instant replay
isn't working, Chuck.
I think that was another bus.
- Oh, that's another
extra five points.
Hey, the campus police
have been called in.
There goes the tear
gas gun signalling the end
of the today's big contest,
and it's another victory
for the students.
- Yes, Chuck, and they
will undoubtedly be invited
to meet Berkeley in the
National Championship
New Year's Day.
- Oh, that'll be a
big day for all of us.
We'll bring you a full
day of riots, a real fun day.
In the morning, from
Fort Lauderdale, for you
on the east coast,
and in the afternoon,
from Newport Beach
for you folks out there
on the west coast.
Well, that's it, Chuck.
- Well, thanks, Chic.
- Okay, Chic, ah, Chuck.
- When we take over, I'm
going to look out for you.
- And now tripping merrily
backward through time,
the Laugh-In News takes
you back to early Virginia,
and the home of
Mr. And Mrs. John Smith.
She's the former Pocahontas.
Take it away, Dan
Rowan, our man in the past.
- Well, it's been a
few years, John Smith,
since they had your head
on the chopping block,
how you been getting along?
- Real fine, Dan, real fine
here at the reservation.
As a matter of fact, the
Indians even have a little name
for me now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
They call me Running Chicken.
(Dan laughing)
- [Dan] When did
you get that name?
- Right after they put my
head on that chopping block.
- And Pocahontas?
- Yes, I do.
- You did a very brave
thing throwing yourself
in front of John before
he was hit with the club.
- It wasn't brave, it was dumb.
- Oh, well, see, she
took the brunt of the blow.
- I see.
- It still hurts when it rains.
- Yeah.
- What line are you in, John?
- I'm with Natural Navajo
now, it's communications.
We make smoke signals
and wet blankets and so forth.
Right now, we're working
on a huge signal, see,
and we're going to
float it right over LA,
and then just kind of
leave it there forever.
- Yeah, that's a position
of some importance, isn't it?
- Top of the totem pole.
Local joke, Dan.
- [Dan] Yes.
- My father put
him in the business.
- [Dan] Oh, how is your father?
- Oh, he's fine,
he's on vacation.
- [Dan] Oh, really,
enjoying himself?
- No, not too much.
You see, he couldn't get a room.
He didn't have a reservation.
That's another local joke.
Sweetheart.
- Pokie.
- Well, if you can
do them, I can.
What?
- Yes, that's all right,
I hate to break you up.
You're such a fun couple, but
when you're away from home,
do you have any trouble,
John, I mean, you being white
and the missus here...
- [John] You can say
it, go ahead, she knows.
- Well, she's red.
- Yes, she is.
Yes, you don't know
the half of it, Dan.
- Oh, no, John and I have
never been able to check
into a hotel in this country.
- [Dan] Oh, pity.
- Yes, see, the minute
I sign the register
Mr. & Mrs. John
Smith, right out.
- Well, good luck.
- Well, that's it for the
Rowan & Martin Report.
Tune in next week when Laugh-In
presents a look at the news
past, present and future.
Hey, incidentally,
here's a funny item.
Isn't that funny?
- Yeah, it really is.
- Thank you.
- Here's the headline
we'd most like to see
in the coming week.
And don't miss our report
next Monday night, same time,
same station, when Laugh-In
will bring you live coverage
of a Cleveland bank robbery.
- In the meantime, we
would just like to say
that may all of the things
that have happened find
a new way, and may
they nurl your zippy.
- Stepping into the
silver blue spotlight is
the ever-popular
Gwendolyn Greps.
No more money in the bank
No sweet babies we can spank
What to do about it
Let's put out the
light and eat the bulb
(puffing)
(note ringing)
(puffing)
(note ringing)
(puffing)
(note ringing)
(humming)
Row, row, row your boat
She'll becoming around
The mountain when she comes
She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes
Standing around the
mountain He's 106 today
106 today
Hi-ho the dairy-oh,
he's 106 today
- [Man] Blow them all out.
- [Woman] Come
on, oh, you can do it.
(cheering)
(buzzing)
(screaming)
- Very interesting.
- En garde!
- Now we take a moment out
for stations all over the country
to identify themselves.
(all screaming
station call letters)
- One at a time!
One at a time!
- The second half of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by...
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- [English Man] I'm terribly
sorry, I can't understand
what you're saying.
- I said, it's sock
it to me time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me!
- You got to be putting me on.
I got you, babe
(goofy horn music)
- Very interesting.
- My wooden teeth is something
many people ask about.
It's because of
Martha's rotten candy.
- Tonight, the subject of
Mod, Mod World is money.
(upbeat dance music)
Tonight, Mod, Mod
World looks at money.
- Hey, that sounds
fascinating, I'm sorry I missed it.
- You haven't missed
it, we haven't done it yet.
- Well, if you do
it, let me know.
I wouldn't want to miss it.
- Yeah, I thought we
might do it right about now.
(maniacal laughing)
- Oh, you guys,
you're the greatest.
I've seen them all.
Abbott and Costello, Laurel
and Hardy, Martin and Lewis...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
some of them do get away.
I'm sorry, sir.
(audience applauding)
- Woo.
- Moving right along
now with Mod, Mod World.
The subject, as I
said before, is money.
- I didn't know that.
- Yes, now all over the
world, there's all different kinds
of money.
For instance, the
French use francs.
It always hasn't been
that way, of course.
Many years ago,
right in this country,
the Indians used
to trade with beans.
What do you think of that?
- Hey, why don't we get
some French Indians together
for dinner and have
some francs and beans?
- This is really a little more
serious subject than that.
Don't you care
anything about money?
- Oh, easy come, easy go,
I spend every nickel I get.
- Tsk-Tsk.
- What?
- Oh, is that wrong,
oh, is that wrong.
- Why?
- You're going to have
to think about the future.
You know, you're not in
any kind of a retirement plan.
You're going to have
to take care of it yourself.
Who's going to look after
you when you're an old man?
Who'd going to nurse you
when you're sick and take care
of you when you're old?
Who'd going to worry about
you when you're old and grey?
- Lyndon Baines Johnson.
- That's not what I
mean, and you know it.
I mean, you got to save
something up for your old age,
put it away.
- I got all I need, and
I got it in a safe place.
- What do you got savings
bonds, you got in a bank?
- No, I got it in my mattress.
- Your mattress?
- Yeah.
- You're saving
money in a mattress?
- Sure, got $17,000
in my mattress.
- No kidding.
Hey, well, I imagine you
sleep a little better at night
knowing you have
all that money there?
- Well, not really,
it's all in coins.
- You know, you may have
stumbled into a fortune.
You may not realize it.
You know, if it's all in coins,
you may have a lot more
than $17,000.
- Yeah?
- Read a book on numismatism.
- I know all about
that, my aunt had it.
She couldn't lift her arm up.
- No, no, that's rheumatism.
I'm talking about
saving old coins.
Some of them may
be very valuable.
- I happen to have a
vary valuable penny.
- Is it real old?
- Oh, 1491.
- The country wasn't
even discovered until 1492.
- That's what
makes it so valuable.
- There was a touch
of sarcasm as he said...
- And so, folks, with that in
mind, let's move right along
now to Mod, Mod World of Money.
We're living in the
age of the credit card,
the buy now, pay later plan.
Cash is almost obsolete.
Let's show you what we mean.
- Next, can I help you, sir?
- Oh, yes, thank you,
I'd like a round trip ticket
to Chicago, please.
- All right, sir, you'll be
leaving Los Angeles at 12:05
on Flight 431...
and that will be
$237.40, including tax.
May I see your credit
card, please, sir?
- I don't have a credit card.
- Well then, we'd
be glad to accept
your personal check, sir.
- No, no, I don't think you
understand, I want to pay cash.
Thank you.
- Well, what are you,
some kind of nut?
- I just want to pay.
- Look, sir, there are other
customers waiting, please.
What is this?
- This is cash!
I just want to buy
an airline ticket!
- Sir, this is highly irregular.
I mean, don't you have
some sort of identification?
- What do you
mean identification?
I just want a ticket.
I want to pay for it with
good old American cash.
- Well, I will have
to call my supervisor.
Hello, hello, Mr. Thompson,
I'm sorry to bother you,
but there's a gentleman here
who insists on paying cash
for his ticket.
What?
Really?
Oh, well, I didn't know that.
I see, thank you.
Well, I want to apologize.
It's just that this is so
irregular, but we would be
very pleased to
accept your cash.
That will be $237.40.
- 40 cents.
- Oh, sir, one more thing.
- What's that?
- May I please see
your cash card?
(groovy dance music)
- It has been stated that
women control the wealth
of America.
They are the major
buying powers.
They can buy a series of
investments, move the stock market
up and down.
They are the financial
wizards of today.
- He has been giving
me so much trouble,
you don't realize, of course.
- Really?
- Of course, he always does.
- Oh, waiter, oh, waiter,
$24.75, this can't be right.
- No, no, lady, that's the
address, 2475 Madison.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Here's the amount, $11.34.
- I'm sorry.
$11.34.
Now girls, how many
times does four go into that?
- At least four.
- You shouldn't have those
daiquiris in the afternoon.
- But I just had one and a half.
- But they're
charging you for two.
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, who had the tax?
- Oh, my goodness.
- Now come on, let's
all pay for what we had.
Louella, you had the
yogurt, the health salad,
the wheatgerm bread,
three martinis and a beer.
- And the other
half of my daiquiri.
- Oh, here's a dollar, that
should take care of everything
plus the tip.
- Okay.
Mary Anne.
- Well, I had chili and
beans and two sweet rolls.
- Plus the pumpkin
pie a la mode.
And the diet lemonade.
- Listen, I hope it
doesn't spoil my dinner.
What's my share?
- It's $11.34, right?
Four into that is $1.97
and a half cents each.
- Right.
- Let's make it come out even.
If we add a tip of 57
cents, it'll come out even.
- 57 cents?
Oh, goody, now I can
get that little farm up
in Connecticut.
- I only had a watercress
sandwich, not that's not fair.
- I don't see why I should
have to pay as much as Louella.
She had at least
three dollars worth.
- Well, you did have those
three martinis at 80 cents each.
That's $2.40, plus
a beer, that's $2.65.
- Well, really?
- Plus the other
half of my daiquiri.
That is at least 37 cents.
- Ah, you dreadful young man!
- Well, let's see, you
got the chicken soup.
That's 35 cents.
You got the chicken pot pie.
(groovy dance music)
And now, Judy, Cher and
Eileen continue Laugh-In's
look at the world of money
with a feminine point of view.
(classical harpsichord music)
The very first word that
Adam heard from Eve
Put him in a
worrisome state of mind
And ever since then all
manner of men believe
Women are the ruin of mankind
It's now a fact that
women have the riches
While men declare we're
all such greedy witches
- The women's national anthem.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme cash
Gimme, gimme,
gimme diamond rings
Give me an oil
well to pay my rent
Gimme, gimme, gimme anything
Gimme, gimme, gimme mink
And I'll never more be blue
And when you've
given me all you've got
Then I'll give something to you
Like a kiss on the forehead
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme moon
Gimme, gimme, gimme space
I'd love some
land to call my own
Like France or
Spain or any place
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme yacht
And a crew of 20 young men
We'll sail the briny
for a year or two
I'll never be greedy again
That's my kind of trip
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme love
Gimme, gimme, gimme a kiss
Gimme the stars
and romantic songs
All the things that go amiss
Gimme, gimme,
gimme marriage vows
And a million dollars or two
And we'll live the
simple contented life
Just me, the money, and you
Until I see my lawyer
Just give me the bread and you
Gimme, gimme, gimme love
(audience applauding)
- Remember, in case
of ties, duplicate prizes
will be awarded
to your loved ones.
- I can't stand it!
I can't stand those natives'
drums, they're driving me mad!
They're driving me
mad, I can't stand it!
(record scratching)
- Oh, you've got bad breath too.
- En garde!
(chanting sock it
to me continuously)
- And now, folks, once
again, it's sock it to me time.
(chanting sock it
to me continuously)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me!
(cheery organ music)
- Stick'em up!
- One of the reasons
why people talking for me
about crossing standing
on a boat the Delaware.
This is the reason.
I was making a delivery for
Martha with the rotten candy.
- That's not nice.
- At that very moment,
in another part of town...
(triumphant orchestral music)
- Oooh!
- Oooh!
- [Both] Oooh!
Sweetheart Oh, sweetheart
At last we know
the mystery of life
We'll clean her
up, in the meantime
When you at last become my wife
But the mountie (Cher
drowning him out)
Oh, sweetheart Sweetheart
Til San Francisco tumbles
Til the High Sierra crumbles
I'll be wanting
You
(audience applauding)
- Now it's time for the Laugh-In
Classified Ad Department,
network television's only
opportunity for the little man
to have his message
broadcast all over America.
First, our personal ad.
- Hey, hey, here's one
"For sale, genuine
man-eating piranha
"direct from the Amazon.
"Call KL-58733,
"and ask for Lefty."
- "Girls in trouble,
call KL-6777
"and ask for Sister
Mary Edwards."
- "Girls looking for
trouble, call KL-56777.
"If Sister Mary
answers, hang up."
- "Mom, don't worry, I'm
just trying to find myself.
"I'll write as soon as
I'm settled, love, Dad."
- And that about wraps it up
for our classified ads tonight.
Hey, if any of you folks at
home would like to participate,
you have an item to sell
or to trade, or if you have
a message you'd like
included in future classified ads,
just drop a line.
- Care of Keith Burcell, and
you'll receive absolutely free.
(fanfare music)
- Tonight, Laugh-In
salutes censorship.
- Yes, folks, it's salute time.
- Well done.
Each week is our policy to
speak up for people and causes
who are all too
often misunderstood.
And tonight, we proudly
salute censorship.
- Goody, censors are
a (bleep) bunch of guys.
What we would ever
do without censorship?
How would we battle
through without censorship?
We would be exposed
to every literary nut
We would be the victims
of obscenity and smut
How would we read a
book without censorship?
How could we see
a TV show or play?
We hate the naughty
movie cult for treating us
Like we're adult Because
we love censorship
(audience applauding)
- Kids, do you realize
what life would be
without the brave
little band of censors,
these dedicated few who
protect you from naughty words,
shield you from suggestive
pictures, and guard you
from the sight of
the human body?
Do you have even the
slightest idea how they are
constantly on the alert
to ward off vulgarity,
stamp out smut, and,
most of all, rid the world
of sex and all that filth?
As an unmarried
good girl, I say, "All hail,
"ye old censor,
hail to the society
"to which he has dedicated
himself, this lonesome man
"armed with but a
tattered book of rules,
"a red pencil worn to the
nub with his own moral fiber,
"without support of
court or government,
"he stands alone in the
crosswalk of life directing
"you, me, and good people
everywhere, regardless
"of race, creed or publisher.
"To heaven, lest by our
own sins, we fall into heck.
"Yes, hail to ye old censor.
"Hail, and hail to the
stork which brought him."
Ladies and gentlemen,
you'll have to excuse me,
but, as you can see,
this is a subject very close
to my heart.
Frankly, I was just
afraid I wouldn't get
the damn thing right.
- Hey, man, I don't
want my kids hearing
all them dirty
words in the movies.
They get enough of that at home.
- Russia banned free
speech 50 years ago.
Boris says we're falling
behind in the censorship race.
- We're safe on
radio and television.
Now let's get busy
on word of mouth.
- Let's clean up
those honeymoons.
Come on, kids.
- And lets get sex
education out of schools
and put it back where it
belongs in the pool halls.
- You don't have to talk
dirty to have a good time.
You can peek in peoples'
windows and listen in
on party lines.
- Playboy is bad enough,
but what about those seamy
little jokes in Reader's Digest?
- I say we can't be too careful.
Let's put a bra on
Little Orphan Annie.
- And what about the buffalo?
- A bra on a buffalo?
- What you don't
know won't hurt you,
and if it does hurt you,
at least you won't know it.
- That's right.
Folks, censorship
is your friend.
Join the crusade.
The next time someone says
"Sticks and stones can break
"our bones, but words can
never hurt us," set them straight.
- Hit them with
a stick or a stone.
(cheering)
Actors would say
(bleep) without censorship
Dancers would show
(bleep) without censorship
Just imagine all the (bleep)
things that they would do
(bleeping)
Just to name a few
We would see naked
truth without censorship
We would be prey
to elbow, wrist and hip
So shield us from reality,
from senior immorality
Because we love Censorship
- Bravo.
And that's our
salute for tonight.
If it offended you in any
way, send your (bleep) letters
to...
- Mr. Sandy (bleep)
Cummings, NBC (bleep)
3000 West (bleep) Avenue,
Burbank, (bleep), California,
zip code, (bleep) 03.
- Blue skies and green
lights for you folks out there
in radio land.
- I like colored people.
In fact, a colored
lady raised me.
(yelling)
(drum roll)
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, good night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
- You, devil, you.
And next week, we have
a great line-up for you.
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great grandmother
once said to me.
- Oh, I'd like to hear it,
Dick, but we are out of time.
Next week, our
guests are a couple of...
- She was locked in a silo
for 14 days with a live pig.
- Oh, I'm happy you
brought that to our attention.
Next week, as I
started saying...
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she got out
of the silo would be of interest
to our television viewers.
- Well, I don't know
about them, but I'd be kind
of interested to hear.
- Well, my grandmother
came out of the silo.
Oh, boy, she came out fast too.
And, ah, by golly, what she...
I better not tell them.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody, I
hope you had a good time.
- Will the real Toulouse-Lautrec
please stand up?
- Does the name
Avon Lady ring a bell?
- It's like this.
If you like Burbank,
you're going to love Paris.
- Will the New York
Mets please report
to their choreographer
immediately?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Uma.
- Uma who?
- You make me feel so young.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Richard Burton.
- Would you step out a moment?
I'd like to talk to your wife.
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
and all the King's men
had omelettes.
- You all know there's a small
hotel in dowtown Burbank?
- No, but if you harm a
few bars, I can fake it.
- As Shakespeare once said,
"Anne Hathaway about her,
"hasn't she?"
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Gorilla.
- Gorilla who?
Gorilla of my dreams, I love you
- Did you hear about the
horse who couldn't sleep?
- [Dan] No.
- Too many nightmares.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Phil and Sally.
- Phil and Sally who?
Phil and Sally to get
you in a taxi, honey
- Oh, nuts!
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Norden.
- Norden who?
(singing opera)
(goofy organ music)
(screaming)
- That's not nice.
- This program was
prerecorded because there was
just no other way.
- Very interesting.
(one person clapping)