Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 14 - Episode #1.14 - full transcript
(harp music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And so friends another
true romance story comes
to a close as our happy
honeymooners walk up the
gangplank of the Titanic
to share life's greatest
experience together.
(laughter)
- My name is Jack Jones
and I really got a secret.
- (Mumbles) can
find Ray Charles.
(laughter)
- Why is there one missing?
(laughter)
- NBC has asked me to
announce that you are now watching
this on ABC.
(laughter)
- Will the real Charles
de Gaulle shut up.
(laughter)
- I'm not (mumbles)the
California Primaries.
(laughter)
And that is true.
(laughter)
- If I have but one
life to live, let me live it
with a blonde.
(laughter)
- And now from the Intensive
Care Room of the Bunny Club
here in beautiful, downtown
Burbank, NBC proudly presents
Rowen and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starting Dan Rowen
and Dick Martin with
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
and Eileen Brennan.
Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn
Larry Hovis, Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Worley,
yours truly, Gary Owens
and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you by all
the sensational
philanthropists down at, from,
in, with, oh.
(laughter)
(techno music)
- Time now to meet and
greet the winners of our
Phyllis Diller look alike
contest, Dan Rowen
and the tantalizing Dick Martin.
(applause)
(orchestra music)
- Whee.
- Here we go again, Dick.
- Dick?
- Yeah, Dick.
I'm Dan Rowen
you're Dick Martin.
- You're Dan?
- Of course I'm Dan.
- Well I'm sure glad
you straightened that out.
You know I watch this
show every week and I never
can figure out which one's Dan.
(laughter)
- Well, I'm glad you
finally got it straight.
- Well, no happier
than I am, Dick.
(laughter)
- Hey, listen we really
got a tiger by the tail
tonight.
- Yeah, right after
the show, right?
(laughs)
- I was talking about this show.
Tiger by the tail is
just an expression.
I mean we really
have a goody tonight.
- Yeah, right after the show.
(laughter)
We have all of the
regulars are here tonight.
- Yep, best bunch of
cuckoos ever put in a cage.
- And with a little luck
you probably won't go
through a trap door tonight.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Trap door's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
- No kidding?
- Yeah, I've got
one in my house.
- You're putting me on.
- No, in my playroom.
Kiss 'em goodnight
and drop 'em, whee.
(laughter)
- That can be a little
dangerous dropping through
the floor like that.
- No the bed breaks their fall.
(laughter)
- Your playroom is right
over the bedroom I gather.
- No the playroom is
right over my bedroom,
and I gather.
(laughter)
- I don't believe
a word of this.
- I've got the trap door
hooked up to the lamp, too.
- Reach up, turn out the lamp?
- Away they go.
(laughter)
- Boy it must be fun, huh?
- It cost me a fortune though.
- What do you mean
it costs you a fortune?
- Well, I keep forgetting
to tell my cleaning lady
about it.
- Oh, I guess that could
be a little bit of a problem
if she come in to dust.
She turns on the lamp...
- And before she knows
it she's fluffing the pillow.
(laughter)
- Pretty hazardous
house you got there.
- Well, there's no point
in talking about it now.
It's all over.
- What do you
mean it's all over?
- Well, I realize I don't
need a house that big
and I got rid of it.
Well, I didn't get rid of it.
I just rented the upstairs.
- You rent, find a nice couple?
- Yeah, a nice couple
of airline stewardesses.
(laughter)
- Here we go again.
- That's what they say every
time they turn out the lamp.
(laughter)
- You can't go
on like this Dick.
- Yeah, that's what they
say every time they fall...
(laughter)
- And you charge
these poor girls rent?
- Sure, fly now, pay later.
- I think we better
go to the party.
- Yeah, let's bring
everybody with us.
- Good idea, come
along to the party, gang.
(applause)
(rock music)
- Two unwed mothers got
kicked out of our school last week.
One taught French and
the other taught History.
(rock music)
- You know even in Texas
money can't buy happiness.
Votes, yes, happiness, no.
(laughter)
- I'm a home lovin' girl and
that's where I wish I was,
at home, lovin.
(laughter)
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the Bombay confectioner
who fell into a vat of chocolate
and came up with a new
concept in coconuts.
(laughter)
- Boris has been wearing
the Bonnie and Clyde look
for years.
His suits are all shot. (laughs)
(laughter)
- Your police don't
carry guns, do they?
- No just grudges.
(laughter)
- Well, the traffic problem
in New York is bad,
but most pedestrians
eventually get a cross.
Jewish ones get a star.
(laughter)
- I'm all for
modernizing the church,
but I still think they're
going to far when they refer
to a glass of sacramental
wine as the Bible belt.
(laughter)
- One false move
and I'll appreciate it.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend refuses
to burn his draft card.
He needs it to get into bars.
(laughter)
- Dan, I saw and Ingrabar
Bergman movie last night.
- Oh yeah, how'd you like it?
- Well, I don't think
it's nearly as funny as
Charlie McCarthy.
(laughter)
- Back home in Texas
we're going all the way
with LBJ.
See, we don't want him
back there as a Governor.
(laughter)
- I don't mind men
who kiss and tell.
I need all the
publicity I can get.
(laughter)
- It is said, "He who is
deceived by a pretty package
"buys naught but
a kilo of seeds."
(laughter)
- Boris says that General
Westmoreland should have
been replace by Genghis Khan.
After all he's the only
General who won a war in Asia.
Isn't Boris smart? (laughs)
(laughter)
- You know the London
Bridge is for sale?
- No, how much?
- Oh, the whole bloody thing.
(laughter)
- But if you get rid of
cruelty and violence
on television the kids
will have nothing to watch
on Saturday morning.
(laughter)
- It's such a beautiful night.
Let's go somewhere
real romantic.
- Sure, your place or mine?
(laughter)
- We should all prepare
for the day of reckoning,
but let us not say,
"Here come de judge."
(laughter)
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Bored.
- And now folks.
- Hold it Judy.
Just to show you
how much I love you,
tonight I'll do the
sock it to mes.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Good you just
stand right there
and you think nothing of it.
- Okay.
Now, and now folks
it sock it to me time.
(whistling)
- Oh, sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to
me, sock it to me babv.
- Why should I
run for president.
I'm fast becoming the
father of our country at home?
- Very interesting and true.
- Here come the judge.
(gavling)
- Have you ever
been up before me?
- I don't know your honor.
What time do you get up?
(laughter)
(ding)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Olsen and Johnson, 1920.
- If Jill Saint John
married Jordan Christopher
she'd be Jill Saint Christopher.
- Sophia Loren has
a well rounded life.
- This program has
just been deported
by beautiful, downtown Burbank.
(flute music)
- Very interesting, but dirty.
- Okay now friends, it's
time for Laugh-In to bring
you our regular weekly
feature, new talent time.
(horns)
- That band gives
me heartburn, I think.
- Maybe it was
something you ate.
That band's not so bad.
- Not so good either.
- Yeah, well don't worry.
You're in for a
real treat tonight.
- You brought along
another goody, huh?
- Just the greatest
goody we ever had.
- You brought back Tiny Tim?
- The very same, he
flew in this afternoon.
- I don't doubt that a bit.
(laughter)
- Now wait a minute.
Tiny Tim is probably
the greatest single artist
we've ever had in new talent.
- Well he certainly is
great and I'd make a bet
that he's single.
(laughter)
- You know it's
a wonderful thing.
Every since he appeared
on Laugh-In at the beginning
of the season he's
had all kinds of offers.
- Sure he has.
- He has a record out now.
- And so do Bonnie and Clyde.
(laughter)
- Come on now let's
give him the introduction
that the man really deserves
on his triumphant return
to Laugh-In, ladies
and gentlemen...
- The fickle finger
of fate strikes again.
- Laugh-In is proud to present
the one and only Tiny Tim.
(applause)
et's bring (mumbles) Tiny Tim
Let's raise our voices
and welcome him
With tears of joy our (mumbles)
God bless you Tiny Tim
We dearly love you Tiny Tim
You made us happy
when life gets grim
With heads bowed
low, we sing the hymn
God bless you,
Tiny Bless you, Tiny
Bless you, Tiny Tim
(applause)
- Tim, it's a pleasure to
welcome you back to Laugh-In.
I'll hold your instrument for
you here for just a minute.
We've had so much
mail about you since your
first two appearances on
the show and we have a lot
of questions if you don't mind,
just briefly answering some.
A lot of our fans want to
know how old are you Tiny?
- Oh, Mister Rowen.
I feel so young.
I really feel 19 again.
- Oh.
- You've made an
album I understand.
- Yes, my dear wonderful
producer Mister Perry
produced it.
- Mister Perry.
- On Reprise Records.
- You have violins
and everything?
- Yes, and of course it's
called God Bless Tiny Tim.
(laughter)
- What's this about a movie?
- Well, I wish God
bless every one of you.
(laughter)
- Very, very sweet.
- A movie, yes, there
is a movie coming up.
I made with Mister
Yarrow, called...
Peter Yarrow,
Peter, Paul and Mary,
called You Are What You Eat.
(laughter)
- Moving right along to
some of the other questions.
I'd like to ask you,
there isn't any truth
that you are planning to
enter the California Primaries
is there?
- Oh, oh, just picking oranges.
- Prior to your
stardom Tiny Tim,
where did you live?
I mean where is your home?
- I've always lived
in dear New York.
- Dear New York?
- With dear Mother and Father.
- Oh, are you an only child?
- Oh, yes, apparently life
is so beautiful (mumbles)
- How old were you
when your voice changed?
- Oh, heck it
always was like this.
- Well Tiny, we're most
anxious to hear you play.
- Oh, there it is again.
Look at it just
slide out of there.
(laughter)
- I leave you two, to it.
- Thank you.
(laughter)
Thank you.
And a one and a two.
(strumming)
("Tiptoe Through The
Tulips" by Tiny Tim)
Tiptoe through the window
By the window
that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Oh, tiptoe from the garden
By the garden of the willow tree
And tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the
garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips with Me
(clicking tongue)
Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the
garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips with Me
(clicking tongue)
(applause)
- They say they
are a nice couple.
- Do I get to keep
one of these pictures
of Tiny Tim for my wallet?
(laughter)
- Hey, he hasn't changed much.
- No, he certainly hasn't.
(laughter)
- One thing we can
say is he really goes
for those high notes.
- I don't think he's got
a whole lot of choice.
(laughter)
- Be that as it may,
that's it for new talent
tonight, folks.
- Don't we have any
other new talent tonight?
- No, who could follow Tiny Tim?
- Nobody I know.
- That's right,
good night, folks.
(applause)
- This is my first manicure.
- When you speak of
this in years to come,
and you will, be kind.
(laughter)
- This is a rifle.
A rifle can be a
dangerous weapon.
For this reason we all
learn this little rhyme.
Never, never let your gun
Pointed be at any one.
(piano music)
I fell in love with you
In the middle of May Last June
I fell in love with
you In bright sunlight
Beneath the Harvest
Moon (applause)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Oh, you all ready, Dick?
- I guess so.
They can't put me
through the trap door when
I'm on skis.
- That's right.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(water splashing)
(laughter)
Oh, that's cute, so cute.
Sure.
- Sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
Sock it to me, sock it to me.
(fast upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Doctor Livingston what
can I do with a broken ankle?
- Limp.
(laughter)
(piano)
Hava nagila Have
two Nagila have three
Nagila they're pretty small
- I'm not kidding.
Ya'll better watch out because,
here come the judge.
- What's the charge?
- Shoplifting, 50
yards of elastic.
- Well, you're in
for a long stretch.
(laughter)
- Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
(laughter)
(trumpet music)
- Webber and Fields, 19, four.
- If Gypsy Rose Lee had
married Anheuser-Busch
today she'd Gypsy Rose Busch.
- Had Jill Saint John
married Joey Lewis,
she'd be Jill Saint Lewis.
- That was about as
funny as a bumblebee at at
nudist camp.
(upbeat music)
- I think the present
day administration
is for the birds.
- Time now once again
to cease this flipping
tomfoolery and these
nonsensical nonsequitors
and take a serious
look at the world today
as Laugh-In brings you
the Rowen and Martin report
of the new, past,
present and future.
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya
What's the new across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
(Mumbles) squaws and
braves, Laugh-In looks at the
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya,
ya, ya Your chief!
(applause)
(chanting)
- Now, here with the
news of the present
the man who knew the news.
It wouldn't be news
without the news.
Here's Dicky.
(orchestral music)
(applause)
- May the good fairy shower
your bippy with perd dust.
(laughter)
Fairweather, North Dakota,
following the recent tornadoes
the citizens of Fairweather,
North Dakota, have decided
to change the
name of their town.
It is now Fairweather,
South Dakota.
(laughter)
Montgomery, Alabama, the
education strike in Alabama
ended today when
the teacher returned.
(laughter)
Mexico, police in Tijuana,
Mexico recently confiscated
two tons of marijuana
and ordered it burned.
The chief of the local
fire department stated
with the use of modern
techniques they should be able
to keep the fire going
for about three weeks.
(laughter)
Take it away Goldie.
- (Giggles)
And now Laugh-In
looks at news of the future
as we present
News of the Future.
So, now for the
news of the future,
take it away Dan.
(laughter)
- Saigon 1988 as the
United States Army finally
pulled out of Vietnam, the
country was immediately
overrun with Vietnamese.
(laughter)
The Nation's Capitol
1988, 20 years from now,
defacto segregation received
a shot in the arm today
when President George
Wallace signed into law a Bill
which will permit the
Alabama school system to bus
students to classes in Wyoming.
(laughter)
- Blessed are meek for they
shall inherit the watermelon.
(laughter)
- Bunny Club Headquarters
1988, today Hugh Hefner
reached the halfway
point in writing his Playboy
philosophy claiming that
healthy sex life is now possible
for everyone over 83.
Mister Hefner is currently
recovering from his third
heart transplant this month.
(laughter)
- Now, you've all read
that some of the automobile
manufacturers have been
calling back defective models.
Laugh-In news now shows
one such call being made.
(dialing phone)
- Hello, hello Mister Goodman?
Boom-a-rang Motors calling.
Yeah, well since you're the
proud owner of our latest model
you've probably been
expecting one of our surprise
phone calls.
Well, Mister Goodman, surprise.
What?
You're where?
You have, huh?
Hold it a second Mister Goodman.
He's got a surprise for us.
He's got a phone in the car
and he's in his car right now.
- Well, how you gonna
tell him there's something
wrong with his
car if he's in it?
- He already knows that.
He's going 70 miles per hour
and he can't find the brakes.
(laughter)
He's on the Indiana
Turnpike heading for Chicago.
- That's not too bad.
It's a long stretch of road.
He'll make it.
- Well, yeah, it is kind of
bad, see he wanted to get off in
Cleveland.
Says he's gotta find the
brakes because it's getting
dark and he want to stop.
- Ah, ha, just a second.
Tell him to try the
cigarette lighter.
- Yeah, Mister Goodman,
would you try the cigarette lighter?
- He did, huh, just a minute.
He did, but the seat goes up.
(laughter)
- That's not bad.
- Well, yeah it is.
He's a chain smoker and
one more cigarette, his head
goes through the roof.
How's he get the seat down?
- Tell him to turn on the radio.
- Yeah, we got it now.
Turn on the radio.
Oops, yeah, car
veers to the left.
- Tell him try rollin'
the left window down.
That'll do it.
- Roll your left window
down Mister (mumbles)
Kicked into overdrive, huh?
(laughter)
All right, well, he
says he's speeding up.
He says he's passing a car.
- It's a good thing
he's going by him.
- No, no, not really,
it was a police car.
(laughter)
- Oh, ho, you tell
him not to worry.
The Indiana State Police
have our last year's model.
When it hits 70, you see
the headlights fold under
and even if they catch him,
they won't be able to see him.
- What, what, okay, yes.
He's says he's
going nutty he thinks
he hears ice cream bells.
- Well, of course he does.
That's the batch they
put the ice cream bells on
the Police cars and the sirens
on the Good Humor truck.
(laughter)
The police may fool you, but
you really know when there's
a Good Humor truck
in the neighborhood.
(laughter)
- You sure do.
Say, uh, yeah, what?
Yeah he has a (mumbles)
Mister Goodman, would you
look in your glove compartment?
Hello, Mister Goodman?
- You shouldn't have
told him to say, Kermit.
Actually what happens when
you open the glove compartment
the seat ejects.
- Oh, sorry about that.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- This is a rifle.
A rifle is a defensive weapon.
It is not an offensive weapon.
Of course it could be used
as an offensive weapon.
It all depends
upon how you use it.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Dan, Dick, I've
done your show.
You may feel obligated
to come do my show.
- Oh, any time.
- Oh, you bet your life.
- Please don't feel obligated.
- We promise.
We promise we
won't do your show.
- I don't want promises.
Just put it in writing.
(laughter)
- We won't do what's
the name of the show?
(laughter)
(brakes squealing)
(tweeting bird)
- The second half of the
Rowen and Martin's, Martinens
is brought to you
by... (upbeat music)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Well, Dick, they can't send
you through the trap door.
And if you get hit with
water it won't matter,
will it?
- No, that's what
they'd like us to believe.
But I feel relatively safe.
And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(clunking)
(tweeting bird)
Lights, lights, get the lights.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(snores)
- I (mumbles) sock it to me.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, honey.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me,
sock it to me, woo.
Hey, do you want
to sock it to me?
- Okay.
- What, what, what, what?
- Say, "Sock it to me."
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I don't want to say
that ridiculous thing.
- Say it.
- You can't really
mean it, can you?
- I mean it.
- Oh, all right.
Sock it to me.
(laughter)
Are you satisfied?
- Mmmm.
When err I'm sad
the cuckoo sings
A happy, carefree word
It seems this little
thought he brings
The word is for the birds
(cuckooing)
(laughter)
- There was an old
lady who lived in a shoe.
She had so many
children her welfare check
came to $4,982 dollars.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Lewis and Clark 1874.
(laughter)
- Those of you who are
keeping score at home
that's the first
good one tonight.
- If Emma Jean Coca
married Émile Zola
she'd be Emma Jean Coca-Zola.
- My name is Tiny
Tim and I am a secret.
(laughter)
- I'm willing to go anywhere
at any time to negotiate
with the Planned
Parenthood society.
- We're a little late, folks.
Good night.
- Very interesting, but
unfortunately this show
isn't over.
- Dumb.
This is a groovy
life This is a lot of fun
I may be black and blue
Before the season's done
In spite of chicken jokes
We're telling everyone
That it's a sock it to
me Very interesting
cuckoo Laugh-In world - Dumb.
We never get uptight
We never hold a grudge
If war is in the way
We give a little nudge
We let it all hang out
And yell here comes the judge
Cause it's a sock it
to me Very interesting
cuckoo Laugh-In world
- I just want to swing.
Is this the Twilight Zone
It must be outer space
And lovely downtown
Burbank It's the place
Where ballarinas quack
And run around the block
And everybody says knock-knock
- Who's there?
- Gahertenflinger.
- Gahertenflinger who?
- Gerhertenflinger said for
the man, woman and dog.
- Oh come on.
- By Henry Gibson.
The elevators work,
but never up and down
We're wearing roller skates
beneath a velvet gown
We think that Charles de Gaulle
Is really quite a clown
Because it's a sock it to me
Very interesting
Cuckoo Laugh-In world
- It is with a heavy
heart that we continue.
If we get really bored
we try a nutty trick
If something lays an egg
we pull another schtick
- Is that a chicken joke?
(duck voice)
We always end the fun
by saying goodnight Dick
Cause it's a sock it
to me Very interesting
Cuckoo Laugh-In world
It's a sock it to
me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock
it to me (laughter)
- Please sock it to her
once more or I'll scream.
- Very interesting.
Cuckoo Laugh-In world.
(applause)
- [All] Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Well I guess I'm
protected enough now.
(laughter)
And now folks it's
sock it to me time.
- [All] Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me.
- Hey Dick, here's
a wire for you.
- Well let me have it.
(screams)
(laughter)
- Hey, they sure
socked it to you.
(water splashing)
(laughter)
- Hey, folks they
sock it to everybody.
(piano music)
(crashing)
(upbeat music)
(punching)
(upbeat music)
- And to think this is
on and I have no series.
- I'll tell you one thing.
This show's a lot
funnier if you're drinking.
- Should Anna May
Wong marry King Kong
she'd me Anna May Wong
Hong King Kong Kong.
(laughter)
- If nominated I will not run.
If elected I will not serve.
(laughter)
("Pop goes the Weasel")
- Oh, hi there.
Tonight's subject
mod, mod world is you,
the people of America.
(upbeat music)
- And so as that fellow
said a minute ago
tonight our mod mod
world looks at you,
the people of our great
country of America.
Surely at last we
have found a subject
that you know something about.
- You the people of America.
- No they the people of America.
- I guess I'm an expert
on people everywhere.
- You major in psychology?
- No, I was a
lieutenant in the Infantry.
(laughter)
- Well, you win
some, you lose some.
- That's right, a real thigh
slapper you got there.
You realize that
people in America today
have more leisure
time, have more luxuries,
make more money than
any other period of time
in our history?
- Is that why they're
all on the freeway?
(laughter)
- How'd you figure that out?
- Well, it took me three
hours to get from my house
to NBC today.
- There's no freeway
from your house to NBC.
- There is now.
(laughter)
- You that in the future
those freeways are gonna
be a thing of the past.
The air will be filled
with people flying around.
- Yeah, baby.
(laughter)
- You probably can go
for days without your feet
ever touching the ground.
- I'll drink to that.
(laughter)
- Me, I'm Ed McMahon.
(laughter)
- Aw, come on.
Hey, have you read
anything about the SST?
- The sst.
- Don't be rude I asked
you about the SST.
That's the super
sonic transport.
- What else would you call it?
- That's a good question.
I mean with future air
travel you can get from here
to New York in an hour.
- I'll tell you the truth
I'm not that anxious
to get to New York.
- Well, all right, we'll route
you around the other way.
What I mean is you hop
on a plane in New York
you land here two hours
before you left there.
- Tiny Tim can do that now.
(laughter)
- You know how you can do that?
- No.
- It's a time difference.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, you are aware that
New York is three hours
later than we are out here.
- Hey, that's great.
- What do you
mean, "That's great."
- Well, I'm in New York.
It's eight o'clock at night.
The world comes to an end.
I hop aboard a eight
o'clock flight, right?
I'm here, what is one
hour later in Los Angeles.
- Two hours, two hours.
- No, one hour to Los Angeles.
You got that?
You got the picture now?
I hop on the plane and
I'm here one hour later.
Now I got two hours
to spend with a lady
before the world
comes to an end here.
(laughter)
- You know I never really
thought of it that way.
You have a peculiar
way of looking at things.
You know, Dick, I'll
tell you something.
People are lucky to
be living in America.
- That's what
they say in Poland.
- [Dan] Is that what they say?
- Yeah.
- We probably have the
highest standard of living
anywhere in the world.
- Hmmm?
- Yes we do.
- Well, I don't know about that.
I've seen some of those
pictures of those ladies
in Tahiti.
- Well, native dancing
girls is not the answer
to everything.
- They are if you've
got the right question.
(laughter)
- Dick, the subject is the
great American people.
- Well, why didn't you say so?
- I thought I did.
- Ladies and gentleman
let's take a mod, mod look
at the great American people.
(upbeat music)
- I tell you we should
bomb, bomb, bomb.
Kill them all.
Let's go get them.
- Personally I hate
violence of any kind.
As far as I'm
concerned I'm a dove,
so let's forget it.
(upbeat music)
- Mister Schwartz, I
got me a great idea.
- What, what is it mashugana?
- Now, wait a minute.
Let's get everybody down here
in the neighborhood.
Come on down in here now,
Mrs. Fletcher, Mister
Gomez, Mister Gonzales.
Come on down.
Mister Wong, come on in now.
Come on in Mrs.
Babasha, Mrs. Yamamoto.
Come in and listen to me now.
- What's happening?
- I've got a great idea.
Sit down and I'll
tell you all about it.
- Yeah?
- Now then, I was just
about to tell Mister Schwartz.
I think it's time we forget
all our problems here
in the neighborhood.
Let's all bury the hatchet
now and all try to work
together, what do you say?
- Good idea.
(all talking)
Good, now that that's
settled, let's all go down the
street and beat up that
old Lebanese family.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Americans have
many strange cults.
For example recently
it was revealed that
25 new religions have been
formed in the United States
during the past few months.
For a closer look
Laugh-In presents an
on the spot interview.
- Sir I wonder if you could
tell us exactly how your
religion differs
from the others.
- It's practical.
Now take the golden
rule if any man shall strike
thee on the right cheek,
let him also smite thee
on the left, then sue.
(laughter)
- Do you believe in
giving penance to sinners?
- Now look now we not
only give them penance,
we give them bumper stickers
and pens and everything,
you know?
(laughter)
Fix em up.
- What do you do about
anyone who breaks the
10 commandments?
- We don't have 10.
We dropped a lot of them.
Like the one that says
thou shall not covet
they neighbor's
wife, that's out.
Put too much strain
on the congregation.
(laughter)
- Well what about the one
that says, "Thou shalt not kill?"
- We retained that one,
but we revised it a bit.
Now it reads, "Thou
shalt not kill except in the
"following cases, war,
self-defense, and when cut off
"by another car
on the inside lane."
(laughter)
- Do you have a
place of worship?
- Right now we
using a bowling alley.
- How's that working out?
- I made three converts
this morning, two strikes
and a spare.
(laughter)
- Do you believe
in life after death?
- No, no, no, no, we
believe in death after life.
- Oh, well I believe in that.
- Good, give me $10
dollar and you a member.
(upbeat music)
- Nowhere is the spirit
of adventure more evident
than in the race for space.
- Hello out there.
Jo Anne Worley here
at Cape Kennedy.
And it's a great day for
American womanhood.
We're about the meet,
ladies and gentlemen,
the first woman chosen
to go into outer space.
Here she comes now,
Miss Penelepe Lovelace.
Miss Lovelace, may
I congratulate you.
You must be very proud.
- Proud, are you kidding?
I'm disgusted.
They can forget the whole thing.
- Oh, well, what's wrong?
- Look at this outfit,
I mean look at it.
It's ludicrous.
I can't wear this.
It's embarrassing.
Look at the color
and the length.
And my feet. What would you do?
- It's dreadful.
I'd put a flounce
right around the waist,
maybe a white collar.
- I'll be the laughing stock
of my entire neighborhood.
- Try a beret under that helmet.
- You're not even listening.
- Some divine earring,
darling, Penelope.
(upbeat music)
- Well, Dick I don't think,
didn't mean to interrupt
you there, but I don't think
that we should end this
mod, mod look at the
American people without
a mention of the good
old fashioned martini.
- I'll drink to that.
- I thought you might.
Here now is the Laugh-In
Company with a salute
to everybody.
- Bottoms down.
Here's to the martini
Nice and dry with a lemon twist
Here's to the martini
It's the world's
best psychiatrist
After three we guarantee
You'll feel like a lion
After six you're doing tricks
There's nothing
better than flying
We're off to space
Without a plane
Here's to the martini
A better friend you can't find
If after five you're a meanie
You fell feel like
lifting your beanie
Just mix yourself a martini
And get right out of your mind
I used to come
home from the office
With a terrible frown on my face
I snapped at the
kids, I hit my wife
I hated the human race
Then I discovered the martini
One happy and beautiful day
Now the wife and the
kids don't bother me
Cause they have
moved away (laughter)
Here's to the martini
A better friend you can't find
If you receive a suppoenie
For acting rather obsceney
Just mix yourself a martini
And get right out of your mind
(applause)
- And now it's time for
Laugh-In to bring you potpourri
which means just about anything,
but it sure is spelled funny.
- Good morning,
shall we get started?
- Look I changed my mind.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to go
through with this.
- Oh, well, now, now,
we're not going to be
a baby about it again, are we?
- I just can't take it.
I can't stand it.
I'm not going to
go through with it.
- Oh come on, now.
You know you're going to
have to go through with it
sooner or later.
Well aren't you?
- Okay, okay, I'll do it, okay.
- Good.
You put this on and
I'll call your first patient.
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
but he's chicken.
- Is that a chicken joke?
It's a dumb chicken joke.
Dumb.
- We lost the war?
(laughter)
- Of course I'll respect you.
- Pedro, we've got to
stop meeting like this.
Burman is getting suspicious.
(laughter)
- Hello.
It's my doggy's birthday
and I'd like to buy
her a sweater.
- Oh, how big is your doggy?
- Well, my doggy is...
She's you know, I
really don't know.
- How about
bringing your doggy in
and then we'll fit her.
- Oh, no, don't be silly.
I want it to be a
surprise, surprise doggy.
- And how's the wife and kids?
(mumbling)
Ah huh, yeah and the new job,
I guess that's all working out?
(mumbling)
All right rinse now and I'll
see you again next week.
All right?
(mumbling)
(laughter)
- Mary, Mary quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
Rowen oh man it's pretty
and cockull shell
pretty and silver with.
(laughter)
- Who would I tell?
(laughter)
(laughing hysterically)
- Give me, give it.
Well, what did you
fight so hard for?
You only have a quarter.
- I was afraid you'd find
the $500 I hid in my shoe.
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, in answer to your
numerous requests we
have for you a man who will
tell you the
original Polish joke.
(speaking in foreign language)
Here comes the judge.
From this moment
on you for me dear
Only two for tea, dear.
- My dear, my dear.
I've been watching
you from the wings
and I'm going to
make you a star.
(laughter)
- Of course I'll respect you.
- Well, it's time to
say, "Good night, Dick."
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Isn't that Jim Arnez?
- Who's Dick?
- Good night, Lucy.
- Good night, Dick.
- Aren't you ashamed of
yourself, wasting an hour
like this?
- And it certainly has been
a lot of fun all season long.
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my Aunt once said to me?
- You know, Dick, I
would really love to hear
what your Aunt said to
you because I remember
what a funny old lady she
was, but we're out of time.
Next time...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my Aunt once said to me?
- No, we're out of time.
You get the idea,
we're out of time.
- I see, yeah.
- Time, T-Y-M.
- Actually what happened
she was nine days in a
Turkish bath with Tiny Tim.
(laughter)
- That poor lady.
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came
out of the Turkish bath
would be of interest
to the public.
- Listen is she had the
strength to say something
let's hear what it was.
- Well, she came out
and kind of dried off
(laughter)
and she said, "Tiptoe
through the tulips."
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
Have a nice summer.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- I remember only one case
of drop out when I was a kid
and that was a little girl in
kindergarten who couldn't
keep her rompers buttoned up.
(laughter)
- My grandfather drank a
quart of booze everyday and he
lived to the age of 94.
I was at his cremation
and it took three days
to put out the fire.
(laughter)
- I wanted to send an
application to the um, oh
Massachusetts Institute
of Technology, but I
can't spell it.
(laughter)
- Goldie, you are adorable,
but you're dumb darling, dumb.
(laughter)
- Wouldn't it be something
if Howard Hughes was an
Indian and he's trying
to buy the country back.
(laughter)
- What makes European
men are such great lovers.
- European women.
(laughter)
- Will the driver who left
his car door open in the
parking lot please pick up
a 1968 three door sedan?
- The Carlyle Home for
Wayward Girls, please
call Mister Carlyle.
- What's Mister
Carlyle's number?
- You late devil.
- As one cannibal
said to the other,
"Bet you can't eat just one."
(laughter)
- Is that a chicken joke?
- Mary had a little
office opposite her boss,
and every time he buzzed
for her, Mary came across.
(laughter)
- I bought a maxi-skirt,
but I had to stop wearing it.
- Why?
- Well, Maxi wanted it back.
(laughter)
- Due to a lack of interest,
tomorrow has been cancelled.
(laughter)
- Euphoria is red.
Melancholy is blue.
I've got schizophrenia
how abut you?
(laughter)
- Hey man, what happens
if you cross a flamingo
with a police man?
- You get pink fuzz, man.
(laughter)
- It must be Leap Year.
Tiny Tim finally asked me.
- He did, that two timer.
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
Harold is getting suspicious.
(laughter)
- If you crossed a polar
brush man with a Mexican
jumping bean what
would you have?
- A travelling salesman.
- [All] Good night, Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Good night, Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(horn honking)
- The preceding was
recorded earlier so the cast
could watch the Lucy Show.
- Dumb.
- Very interesting, but treason.
(clapping)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And so friends another
true romance story comes
to a close as our happy
honeymooners walk up the
gangplank of the Titanic
to share life's greatest
experience together.
(laughter)
- My name is Jack Jones
and I really got a secret.
- (Mumbles) can
find Ray Charles.
(laughter)
- Why is there one missing?
(laughter)
- NBC has asked me to
announce that you are now watching
this on ABC.
(laughter)
- Will the real Charles
de Gaulle shut up.
(laughter)
- I'm not (mumbles)the
California Primaries.
(laughter)
And that is true.
(laughter)
- If I have but one
life to live, let me live it
with a blonde.
(laughter)
- And now from the Intensive
Care Room of the Bunny Club
here in beautiful, downtown
Burbank, NBC proudly presents
Rowen and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starting Dan Rowen
and Dick Martin with
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
and Eileen Brennan.
Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn
Larry Hovis, Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Worley,
yours truly, Gary Owens
and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you by all
the sensational
philanthropists down at, from,
in, with, oh.
(laughter)
(techno music)
- Time now to meet and
greet the winners of our
Phyllis Diller look alike
contest, Dan Rowen
and the tantalizing Dick Martin.
(applause)
(orchestra music)
- Whee.
- Here we go again, Dick.
- Dick?
- Yeah, Dick.
I'm Dan Rowen
you're Dick Martin.
- You're Dan?
- Of course I'm Dan.
- Well I'm sure glad
you straightened that out.
You know I watch this
show every week and I never
can figure out which one's Dan.
(laughter)
- Well, I'm glad you
finally got it straight.
- Well, no happier
than I am, Dick.
(laughter)
- Hey, listen we really
got a tiger by the tail
tonight.
- Yeah, right after
the show, right?
(laughs)
- I was talking about this show.
Tiger by the tail is
just an expression.
I mean we really
have a goody tonight.
- Yeah, right after the show.
(laughter)
We have all of the
regulars are here tonight.
- Yep, best bunch of
cuckoos ever put in a cage.
- And with a little luck
you probably won't go
through a trap door tonight.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Trap door's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
- No kidding?
- Yeah, I've got
one in my house.
- You're putting me on.
- No, in my playroom.
Kiss 'em goodnight
and drop 'em, whee.
(laughter)
- That can be a little
dangerous dropping through
the floor like that.
- No the bed breaks their fall.
(laughter)
- Your playroom is right
over the bedroom I gather.
- No the playroom is
right over my bedroom,
and I gather.
(laughter)
- I don't believe
a word of this.
- I've got the trap door
hooked up to the lamp, too.
- Reach up, turn out the lamp?
- Away they go.
(laughter)
- Boy it must be fun, huh?
- It cost me a fortune though.
- What do you mean
it costs you a fortune?
- Well, I keep forgetting
to tell my cleaning lady
about it.
- Oh, I guess that could
be a little bit of a problem
if she come in to dust.
She turns on the lamp...
- And before she knows
it she's fluffing the pillow.
(laughter)
- Pretty hazardous
house you got there.
- Well, there's no point
in talking about it now.
It's all over.
- What do you
mean it's all over?
- Well, I realize I don't
need a house that big
and I got rid of it.
Well, I didn't get rid of it.
I just rented the upstairs.
- You rent, find a nice couple?
- Yeah, a nice couple
of airline stewardesses.
(laughter)
- Here we go again.
- That's what they say every
time they turn out the lamp.
(laughter)
- You can't go
on like this Dick.
- Yeah, that's what they
say every time they fall...
(laughter)
- And you charge
these poor girls rent?
- Sure, fly now, pay later.
- I think we better
go to the party.
- Yeah, let's bring
everybody with us.
- Good idea, come
along to the party, gang.
(applause)
(rock music)
- Two unwed mothers got
kicked out of our school last week.
One taught French and
the other taught History.
(rock music)
- You know even in Texas
money can't buy happiness.
Votes, yes, happiness, no.
(laughter)
- I'm a home lovin' girl and
that's where I wish I was,
at home, lovin.
(laughter)
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the Bombay confectioner
who fell into a vat of chocolate
and came up with a new
concept in coconuts.
(laughter)
- Boris has been wearing
the Bonnie and Clyde look
for years.
His suits are all shot. (laughs)
(laughter)
- Your police don't
carry guns, do they?
- No just grudges.
(laughter)
- Well, the traffic problem
in New York is bad,
but most pedestrians
eventually get a cross.
Jewish ones get a star.
(laughter)
- I'm all for
modernizing the church,
but I still think they're
going to far when they refer
to a glass of sacramental
wine as the Bible belt.
(laughter)
- One false move
and I'll appreciate it.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend refuses
to burn his draft card.
He needs it to get into bars.
(laughter)
- Dan, I saw and Ingrabar
Bergman movie last night.
- Oh yeah, how'd you like it?
- Well, I don't think
it's nearly as funny as
Charlie McCarthy.
(laughter)
- Back home in Texas
we're going all the way
with LBJ.
See, we don't want him
back there as a Governor.
(laughter)
- I don't mind men
who kiss and tell.
I need all the
publicity I can get.
(laughter)
- It is said, "He who is
deceived by a pretty package
"buys naught but
a kilo of seeds."
(laughter)
- Boris says that General
Westmoreland should have
been replace by Genghis Khan.
After all he's the only
General who won a war in Asia.
Isn't Boris smart? (laughs)
(laughter)
- You know the London
Bridge is for sale?
- No, how much?
- Oh, the whole bloody thing.
(laughter)
- But if you get rid of
cruelty and violence
on television the kids
will have nothing to watch
on Saturday morning.
(laughter)
- It's such a beautiful night.
Let's go somewhere
real romantic.
- Sure, your place or mine?
(laughter)
- We should all prepare
for the day of reckoning,
but let us not say,
"Here come de judge."
(laughter)
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Bored.
- And now folks.
- Hold it Judy.
Just to show you
how much I love you,
tonight I'll do the
sock it to mes.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Good you just
stand right there
and you think nothing of it.
- Okay.
Now, and now folks
it sock it to me time.
(whistling)
- Oh, sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to
me, sock it to me babv.
- Why should I
run for president.
I'm fast becoming the
father of our country at home?
- Very interesting and true.
- Here come the judge.
(gavling)
- Have you ever
been up before me?
- I don't know your honor.
What time do you get up?
(laughter)
(ding)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Olsen and Johnson, 1920.
- If Jill Saint John
married Jordan Christopher
she'd be Jill Saint Christopher.
- Sophia Loren has
a well rounded life.
- This program has
just been deported
by beautiful, downtown Burbank.
(flute music)
- Very interesting, but dirty.
- Okay now friends, it's
time for Laugh-In to bring
you our regular weekly
feature, new talent time.
(horns)
- That band gives
me heartburn, I think.
- Maybe it was
something you ate.
That band's not so bad.
- Not so good either.
- Yeah, well don't worry.
You're in for a
real treat tonight.
- You brought along
another goody, huh?
- Just the greatest
goody we ever had.
- You brought back Tiny Tim?
- The very same, he
flew in this afternoon.
- I don't doubt that a bit.
(laughter)
- Now wait a minute.
Tiny Tim is probably
the greatest single artist
we've ever had in new talent.
- Well he certainly is
great and I'd make a bet
that he's single.
(laughter)
- You know it's
a wonderful thing.
Every since he appeared
on Laugh-In at the beginning
of the season he's
had all kinds of offers.
- Sure he has.
- He has a record out now.
- And so do Bonnie and Clyde.
(laughter)
- Come on now let's
give him the introduction
that the man really deserves
on his triumphant return
to Laugh-In, ladies
and gentlemen...
- The fickle finger
of fate strikes again.
- Laugh-In is proud to present
the one and only Tiny Tim.
(applause)
et's bring (mumbles) Tiny Tim
Let's raise our voices
and welcome him
With tears of joy our (mumbles)
God bless you Tiny Tim
We dearly love you Tiny Tim
You made us happy
when life gets grim
With heads bowed
low, we sing the hymn
God bless you,
Tiny Bless you, Tiny
Bless you, Tiny Tim
(applause)
- Tim, it's a pleasure to
welcome you back to Laugh-In.
I'll hold your instrument for
you here for just a minute.
We've had so much
mail about you since your
first two appearances on
the show and we have a lot
of questions if you don't mind,
just briefly answering some.
A lot of our fans want to
know how old are you Tiny?
- Oh, Mister Rowen.
I feel so young.
I really feel 19 again.
- Oh.
- You've made an
album I understand.
- Yes, my dear wonderful
producer Mister Perry
produced it.
- Mister Perry.
- On Reprise Records.
- You have violins
and everything?
- Yes, and of course it's
called God Bless Tiny Tim.
(laughter)
- What's this about a movie?
- Well, I wish God
bless every one of you.
(laughter)
- Very, very sweet.
- A movie, yes, there
is a movie coming up.
I made with Mister
Yarrow, called...
Peter Yarrow,
Peter, Paul and Mary,
called You Are What You Eat.
(laughter)
- Moving right along to
some of the other questions.
I'd like to ask you,
there isn't any truth
that you are planning to
enter the California Primaries
is there?
- Oh, oh, just picking oranges.
- Prior to your
stardom Tiny Tim,
where did you live?
I mean where is your home?
- I've always lived
in dear New York.
- Dear New York?
- With dear Mother and Father.
- Oh, are you an only child?
- Oh, yes, apparently life
is so beautiful (mumbles)
- How old were you
when your voice changed?
- Oh, heck it
always was like this.
- Well Tiny, we're most
anxious to hear you play.
- Oh, there it is again.
Look at it just
slide out of there.
(laughter)
- I leave you two, to it.
- Thank you.
(laughter)
Thank you.
And a one and a two.
(strumming)
("Tiptoe Through The
Tulips" by Tiny Tim)
Tiptoe through the window
By the window
that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Oh, tiptoe from the garden
By the garden of the willow tree
And tiptoe through
the tulips with me
Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the
garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips with Me
(clicking tongue)
Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the
garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me
And tiptoe through
the tulips with Me
(clicking tongue)
(applause)
- They say they
are a nice couple.
- Do I get to keep
one of these pictures
of Tiny Tim for my wallet?
(laughter)
- Hey, he hasn't changed much.
- No, he certainly hasn't.
(laughter)
- One thing we can
say is he really goes
for those high notes.
- I don't think he's got
a whole lot of choice.
(laughter)
- Be that as it may,
that's it for new talent
tonight, folks.
- Don't we have any
other new talent tonight?
- No, who could follow Tiny Tim?
- Nobody I know.
- That's right,
good night, folks.
(applause)
- This is my first manicure.
- When you speak of
this in years to come,
and you will, be kind.
(laughter)
- This is a rifle.
A rifle can be a
dangerous weapon.
For this reason we all
learn this little rhyme.
Never, never let your gun
Pointed be at any one.
(piano music)
I fell in love with you
In the middle of May Last June
I fell in love with
you In bright sunlight
Beneath the Harvest
Moon (applause)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Oh, you all ready, Dick?
- I guess so.
They can't put me
through the trap door when
I'm on skis.
- That's right.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(water splashing)
(laughter)
Oh, that's cute, so cute.
Sure.
- Sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
Sock it to me, sock it to me.
(fast upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Doctor Livingston what
can I do with a broken ankle?
- Limp.
(laughter)
(piano)
Hava nagila Have
two Nagila have three
Nagila they're pretty small
- I'm not kidding.
Ya'll better watch out because,
here come the judge.
- What's the charge?
- Shoplifting, 50
yards of elastic.
- Well, you're in
for a long stretch.
(laughter)
- Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
(laughter)
(trumpet music)
- Webber and Fields, 19, four.
- If Gypsy Rose Lee had
married Anheuser-Busch
today she'd Gypsy Rose Busch.
- Had Jill Saint John
married Joey Lewis,
she'd be Jill Saint Lewis.
- That was about as
funny as a bumblebee at at
nudist camp.
(upbeat music)
- I think the present
day administration
is for the birds.
- Time now once again
to cease this flipping
tomfoolery and these
nonsensical nonsequitors
and take a serious
look at the world today
as Laugh-In brings you
the Rowen and Martin report
of the new, past,
present and future.
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya
What's the new across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
(Mumbles) squaws and
braves, Laugh-In looks at the
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya,
ya, ya Your chief!
(applause)
(chanting)
- Now, here with the
news of the present
the man who knew the news.
It wouldn't be news
without the news.
Here's Dicky.
(orchestral music)
(applause)
- May the good fairy shower
your bippy with perd dust.
(laughter)
Fairweather, North Dakota,
following the recent tornadoes
the citizens of Fairweather,
North Dakota, have decided
to change the
name of their town.
It is now Fairweather,
South Dakota.
(laughter)
Montgomery, Alabama, the
education strike in Alabama
ended today when
the teacher returned.
(laughter)
Mexico, police in Tijuana,
Mexico recently confiscated
two tons of marijuana
and ordered it burned.
The chief of the local
fire department stated
with the use of modern
techniques they should be able
to keep the fire going
for about three weeks.
(laughter)
Take it away Goldie.
- (Giggles)
And now Laugh-In
looks at news of the future
as we present
News of the Future.
So, now for the
news of the future,
take it away Dan.
(laughter)
- Saigon 1988 as the
United States Army finally
pulled out of Vietnam, the
country was immediately
overrun with Vietnamese.
(laughter)
The Nation's Capitol
1988, 20 years from now,
defacto segregation received
a shot in the arm today
when President George
Wallace signed into law a Bill
which will permit the
Alabama school system to bus
students to classes in Wyoming.
(laughter)
- Blessed are meek for they
shall inherit the watermelon.
(laughter)
- Bunny Club Headquarters
1988, today Hugh Hefner
reached the halfway
point in writing his Playboy
philosophy claiming that
healthy sex life is now possible
for everyone over 83.
Mister Hefner is currently
recovering from his third
heart transplant this month.
(laughter)
- Now, you've all read
that some of the automobile
manufacturers have been
calling back defective models.
Laugh-In news now shows
one such call being made.
(dialing phone)
- Hello, hello Mister Goodman?
Boom-a-rang Motors calling.
Yeah, well since you're the
proud owner of our latest model
you've probably been
expecting one of our surprise
phone calls.
Well, Mister Goodman, surprise.
What?
You're where?
You have, huh?
Hold it a second Mister Goodman.
He's got a surprise for us.
He's got a phone in the car
and he's in his car right now.
- Well, how you gonna
tell him there's something
wrong with his
car if he's in it?
- He already knows that.
He's going 70 miles per hour
and he can't find the brakes.
(laughter)
He's on the Indiana
Turnpike heading for Chicago.
- That's not too bad.
It's a long stretch of road.
He'll make it.
- Well, yeah, it is kind of
bad, see he wanted to get off in
Cleveland.
Says he's gotta find the
brakes because it's getting
dark and he want to stop.
- Ah, ha, just a second.
Tell him to try the
cigarette lighter.
- Yeah, Mister Goodman,
would you try the cigarette lighter?
- He did, huh, just a minute.
He did, but the seat goes up.
(laughter)
- That's not bad.
- Well, yeah it is.
He's a chain smoker and
one more cigarette, his head
goes through the roof.
How's he get the seat down?
- Tell him to turn on the radio.
- Yeah, we got it now.
Turn on the radio.
Oops, yeah, car
veers to the left.
- Tell him try rollin'
the left window down.
That'll do it.
- Roll your left window
down Mister (mumbles)
Kicked into overdrive, huh?
(laughter)
All right, well, he
says he's speeding up.
He says he's passing a car.
- It's a good thing
he's going by him.
- No, no, not really,
it was a police car.
(laughter)
- Oh, ho, you tell
him not to worry.
The Indiana State Police
have our last year's model.
When it hits 70, you see
the headlights fold under
and even if they catch him,
they won't be able to see him.
- What, what, okay, yes.
He's says he's
going nutty he thinks
he hears ice cream bells.
- Well, of course he does.
That's the batch they
put the ice cream bells on
the Police cars and the sirens
on the Good Humor truck.
(laughter)
The police may fool you, but
you really know when there's
a Good Humor truck
in the neighborhood.
(laughter)
- You sure do.
Say, uh, yeah, what?
Yeah he has a (mumbles)
Mister Goodman, would you
look in your glove compartment?
Hello, Mister Goodman?
- You shouldn't have
told him to say, Kermit.
Actually what happens when
you open the glove compartment
the seat ejects.
- Oh, sorry about that.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- This is a rifle.
A rifle is a defensive weapon.
It is not an offensive weapon.
Of course it could be used
as an offensive weapon.
It all depends
upon how you use it.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Dan, Dick, I've
done your show.
You may feel obligated
to come do my show.
- Oh, any time.
- Oh, you bet your life.
- Please don't feel obligated.
- We promise.
We promise we
won't do your show.
- I don't want promises.
Just put it in writing.
(laughter)
- We won't do what's
the name of the show?
(laughter)
(brakes squealing)
(tweeting bird)
- The second half of the
Rowen and Martin's, Martinens
is brought to you
by... (upbeat music)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Well, Dick, they can't send
you through the trap door.
And if you get hit with
water it won't matter,
will it?
- No, that's what
they'd like us to believe.
But I feel relatively safe.
And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(clunking)
(tweeting bird)
Lights, lights, get the lights.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(snores)
- I (mumbles) sock it to me.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, honey.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me,
sock it to me, woo.
Hey, do you want
to sock it to me?
- Okay.
- What, what, what, what?
- Say, "Sock it to me."
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I don't want to say
that ridiculous thing.
- Say it.
- You can't really
mean it, can you?
- I mean it.
- Oh, all right.
Sock it to me.
(laughter)
Are you satisfied?
- Mmmm.
When err I'm sad
the cuckoo sings
A happy, carefree word
It seems this little
thought he brings
The word is for the birds
(cuckooing)
(laughter)
- There was an old
lady who lived in a shoe.
She had so many
children her welfare check
came to $4,982 dollars.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Lewis and Clark 1874.
(laughter)
- Those of you who are
keeping score at home
that's the first
good one tonight.
- If Emma Jean Coca
married Émile Zola
she'd be Emma Jean Coca-Zola.
- My name is Tiny
Tim and I am a secret.
(laughter)
- I'm willing to go anywhere
at any time to negotiate
with the Planned
Parenthood society.
- We're a little late, folks.
Good night.
- Very interesting, but
unfortunately this show
isn't over.
- Dumb.
This is a groovy
life This is a lot of fun
I may be black and blue
Before the season's done
In spite of chicken jokes
We're telling everyone
That it's a sock it to
me Very interesting
cuckoo Laugh-In world - Dumb.
We never get uptight
We never hold a grudge
If war is in the way
We give a little nudge
We let it all hang out
And yell here comes the judge
Cause it's a sock it
to me Very interesting
cuckoo Laugh-In world
- I just want to swing.
Is this the Twilight Zone
It must be outer space
And lovely downtown
Burbank It's the place
Where ballarinas quack
And run around the block
And everybody says knock-knock
- Who's there?
- Gahertenflinger.
- Gahertenflinger who?
- Gerhertenflinger said for
the man, woman and dog.
- Oh come on.
- By Henry Gibson.
The elevators work,
but never up and down
We're wearing roller skates
beneath a velvet gown
We think that Charles de Gaulle
Is really quite a clown
Because it's a sock it to me
Very interesting
Cuckoo Laugh-In world
- It is with a heavy
heart that we continue.
If we get really bored
we try a nutty trick
If something lays an egg
we pull another schtick
- Is that a chicken joke?
(duck voice)
We always end the fun
by saying goodnight Dick
Cause it's a sock it
to me Very interesting
Cuckoo Laugh-In world
It's a sock it to
me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock
it to me (laughter)
- Please sock it to her
once more or I'll scream.
- Very interesting.
Cuckoo Laugh-In world.
(applause)
- [All] Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Well I guess I'm
protected enough now.
(laughter)
And now folks it's
sock it to me time.
- [All] Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me.
- Hey Dick, here's
a wire for you.
- Well let me have it.
(screams)
(laughter)
- Hey, they sure
socked it to you.
(water splashing)
(laughter)
- Hey, folks they
sock it to everybody.
(piano music)
(crashing)
(upbeat music)
(punching)
(upbeat music)
- And to think this is
on and I have no series.
- I'll tell you one thing.
This show's a lot
funnier if you're drinking.
- Should Anna May
Wong marry King Kong
she'd me Anna May Wong
Hong King Kong Kong.
(laughter)
- If nominated I will not run.
If elected I will not serve.
(laughter)
("Pop goes the Weasel")
- Oh, hi there.
Tonight's subject
mod, mod world is you,
the people of America.
(upbeat music)
- And so as that fellow
said a minute ago
tonight our mod mod
world looks at you,
the people of our great
country of America.
Surely at last we
have found a subject
that you know something about.
- You the people of America.
- No they the people of America.
- I guess I'm an expert
on people everywhere.
- You major in psychology?
- No, I was a
lieutenant in the Infantry.
(laughter)
- Well, you win
some, you lose some.
- That's right, a real thigh
slapper you got there.
You realize that
people in America today
have more leisure
time, have more luxuries,
make more money than
any other period of time
in our history?
- Is that why they're
all on the freeway?
(laughter)
- How'd you figure that out?
- Well, it took me three
hours to get from my house
to NBC today.
- There's no freeway
from your house to NBC.
- There is now.
(laughter)
- You that in the future
those freeways are gonna
be a thing of the past.
The air will be filled
with people flying around.
- Yeah, baby.
(laughter)
- You probably can go
for days without your feet
ever touching the ground.
- I'll drink to that.
(laughter)
- Me, I'm Ed McMahon.
(laughter)
- Aw, come on.
Hey, have you read
anything about the SST?
- The sst.
- Don't be rude I asked
you about the SST.
That's the super
sonic transport.
- What else would you call it?
- That's a good question.
I mean with future air
travel you can get from here
to New York in an hour.
- I'll tell you the truth
I'm not that anxious
to get to New York.
- Well, all right, we'll route
you around the other way.
What I mean is you hop
on a plane in New York
you land here two hours
before you left there.
- Tiny Tim can do that now.
(laughter)
- You know how you can do that?
- No.
- It's a time difference.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, you are aware that
New York is three hours
later than we are out here.
- Hey, that's great.
- What do you
mean, "That's great."
- Well, I'm in New York.
It's eight o'clock at night.
The world comes to an end.
I hop aboard a eight
o'clock flight, right?
I'm here, what is one
hour later in Los Angeles.
- Two hours, two hours.
- No, one hour to Los Angeles.
You got that?
You got the picture now?
I hop on the plane and
I'm here one hour later.
Now I got two hours
to spend with a lady
before the world
comes to an end here.
(laughter)
- You know I never really
thought of it that way.
You have a peculiar
way of looking at things.
You know, Dick, I'll
tell you something.
People are lucky to
be living in America.
- That's what
they say in Poland.
- [Dan] Is that what they say?
- Yeah.
- We probably have the
highest standard of living
anywhere in the world.
- Hmmm?
- Yes we do.
- Well, I don't know about that.
I've seen some of those
pictures of those ladies
in Tahiti.
- Well, native dancing
girls is not the answer
to everything.
- They are if you've
got the right question.
(laughter)
- Dick, the subject is the
great American people.
- Well, why didn't you say so?
- I thought I did.
- Ladies and gentleman
let's take a mod, mod look
at the great American people.
(upbeat music)
- I tell you we should
bomb, bomb, bomb.
Kill them all.
Let's go get them.
- Personally I hate
violence of any kind.
As far as I'm
concerned I'm a dove,
so let's forget it.
(upbeat music)
- Mister Schwartz, I
got me a great idea.
- What, what is it mashugana?
- Now, wait a minute.
Let's get everybody down here
in the neighborhood.
Come on down in here now,
Mrs. Fletcher, Mister
Gomez, Mister Gonzales.
Come on down.
Mister Wong, come on in now.
Come on in Mrs.
Babasha, Mrs. Yamamoto.
Come in and listen to me now.
- What's happening?
- I've got a great idea.
Sit down and I'll
tell you all about it.
- Yeah?
- Now then, I was just
about to tell Mister Schwartz.
I think it's time we forget
all our problems here
in the neighborhood.
Let's all bury the hatchet
now and all try to work
together, what do you say?
- Good idea.
(all talking)
Good, now that that's
settled, let's all go down the
street and beat up that
old Lebanese family.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Americans have
many strange cults.
For example recently
it was revealed that
25 new religions have been
formed in the United States
during the past few months.
For a closer look
Laugh-In presents an
on the spot interview.
- Sir I wonder if you could
tell us exactly how your
religion differs
from the others.
- It's practical.
Now take the golden
rule if any man shall strike
thee on the right cheek,
let him also smite thee
on the left, then sue.
(laughter)
- Do you believe in
giving penance to sinners?
- Now look now we not
only give them penance,
we give them bumper stickers
and pens and everything,
you know?
(laughter)
Fix em up.
- What do you do about
anyone who breaks the
10 commandments?
- We don't have 10.
We dropped a lot of them.
Like the one that says
thou shall not covet
they neighbor's
wife, that's out.
Put too much strain
on the congregation.
(laughter)
- Well what about the one
that says, "Thou shalt not kill?"
- We retained that one,
but we revised it a bit.
Now it reads, "Thou
shalt not kill except in the
"following cases, war,
self-defense, and when cut off
"by another car
on the inside lane."
(laughter)
- Do you have a
place of worship?
- Right now we
using a bowling alley.
- How's that working out?
- I made three converts
this morning, two strikes
and a spare.
(laughter)
- Do you believe
in life after death?
- No, no, no, no, we
believe in death after life.
- Oh, well I believe in that.
- Good, give me $10
dollar and you a member.
(upbeat music)
- Nowhere is the spirit
of adventure more evident
than in the race for space.
- Hello out there.
Jo Anne Worley here
at Cape Kennedy.
And it's a great day for
American womanhood.
We're about the meet,
ladies and gentlemen,
the first woman chosen
to go into outer space.
Here she comes now,
Miss Penelepe Lovelace.
Miss Lovelace, may
I congratulate you.
You must be very proud.
- Proud, are you kidding?
I'm disgusted.
They can forget the whole thing.
- Oh, well, what's wrong?
- Look at this outfit,
I mean look at it.
It's ludicrous.
I can't wear this.
It's embarrassing.
Look at the color
and the length.
And my feet. What would you do?
- It's dreadful.
I'd put a flounce
right around the waist,
maybe a white collar.
- I'll be the laughing stock
of my entire neighborhood.
- Try a beret under that helmet.
- You're not even listening.
- Some divine earring,
darling, Penelope.
(upbeat music)
- Well, Dick I don't think,
didn't mean to interrupt
you there, but I don't think
that we should end this
mod, mod look at the
American people without
a mention of the good
old fashioned martini.
- I'll drink to that.
- I thought you might.
Here now is the Laugh-In
Company with a salute
to everybody.
- Bottoms down.
Here's to the martini
Nice and dry with a lemon twist
Here's to the martini
It's the world's
best psychiatrist
After three we guarantee
You'll feel like a lion
After six you're doing tricks
There's nothing
better than flying
We're off to space
Without a plane
Here's to the martini
A better friend you can't find
If after five you're a meanie
You fell feel like
lifting your beanie
Just mix yourself a martini
And get right out of your mind
I used to come
home from the office
With a terrible frown on my face
I snapped at the
kids, I hit my wife
I hated the human race
Then I discovered the martini
One happy and beautiful day
Now the wife and the
kids don't bother me
Cause they have
moved away (laughter)
Here's to the martini
A better friend you can't find
If you receive a suppoenie
For acting rather obsceney
Just mix yourself a martini
And get right out of your mind
(applause)
- And now it's time for
Laugh-In to bring you potpourri
which means just about anything,
but it sure is spelled funny.
- Good morning,
shall we get started?
- Look I changed my mind.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to go
through with this.
- Oh, well, now, now,
we're not going to be
a baby about it again, are we?
- I just can't take it.
I can't stand it.
I'm not going to
go through with it.
- Oh come on, now.
You know you're going to
have to go through with it
sooner or later.
Well aren't you?
- Okay, okay, I'll do it, okay.
- Good.
You put this on and
I'll call your first patient.
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
but he's chicken.
- Is that a chicken joke?
It's a dumb chicken joke.
Dumb.
- We lost the war?
(laughter)
- Of course I'll respect you.
- Pedro, we've got to
stop meeting like this.
Burman is getting suspicious.
(laughter)
- Hello.
It's my doggy's birthday
and I'd like to buy
her a sweater.
- Oh, how big is your doggy?
- Well, my doggy is...
She's you know, I
really don't know.
- How about
bringing your doggy in
and then we'll fit her.
- Oh, no, don't be silly.
I want it to be a
surprise, surprise doggy.
- And how's the wife and kids?
(mumbling)
Ah huh, yeah and the new job,
I guess that's all working out?
(mumbling)
All right rinse now and I'll
see you again next week.
All right?
(mumbling)
(laughter)
- Mary, Mary quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
Rowen oh man it's pretty
and cockull shell
pretty and silver with.
(laughter)
- Who would I tell?
(laughter)
(laughing hysterically)
- Give me, give it.
Well, what did you
fight so hard for?
You only have a quarter.
- I was afraid you'd find
the $500 I hid in my shoe.
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, in answer to your
numerous requests we
have for you a man who will
tell you the
original Polish joke.
(speaking in foreign language)
Here comes the judge.
From this moment
on you for me dear
Only two for tea, dear.
- My dear, my dear.
I've been watching
you from the wings
and I'm going to
make you a star.
(laughter)
- Of course I'll respect you.
- Well, it's time to
say, "Good night, Dick."
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Isn't that Jim Arnez?
- Who's Dick?
- Good night, Lucy.
- Good night, Dick.
- Aren't you ashamed of
yourself, wasting an hour
like this?
- And it certainly has been
a lot of fun all season long.
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my Aunt once said to me?
- You know, Dick, I
would really love to hear
what your Aunt said to
you because I remember
what a funny old lady she
was, but we're out of time.
Next time...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my Aunt once said to me?
- No, we're out of time.
You get the idea,
we're out of time.
- I see, yeah.
- Time, T-Y-M.
- Actually what happened
she was nine days in a
Turkish bath with Tiny Tim.
(laughter)
- That poor lady.
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came
out of the Turkish bath
would be of interest
to the public.
- Listen is she had the
strength to say something
let's hear what it was.
- Well, she came out
and kind of dried off
(laughter)
and she said, "Tiptoe
through the tulips."
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
Have a nice summer.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- I remember only one case
of drop out when I was a kid
and that was a little girl in
kindergarten who couldn't
keep her rompers buttoned up.
(laughter)
- My grandfather drank a
quart of booze everyday and he
lived to the age of 94.
I was at his cremation
and it took three days
to put out the fire.
(laughter)
- I wanted to send an
application to the um, oh
Massachusetts Institute
of Technology, but I
can't spell it.
(laughter)
- Goldie, you are adorable,
but you're dumb darling, dumb.
(laughter)
- Wouldn't it be something
if Howard Hughes was an
Indian and he's trying
to buy the country back.
(laughter)
- What makes European
men are such great lovers.
- European women.
(laughter)
- Will the driver who left
his car door open in the
parking lot please pick up
a 1968 three door sedan?
- The Carlyle Home for
Wayward Girls, please
call Mister Carlyle.
- What's Mister
Carlyle's number?
- You late devil.
- As one cannibal
said to the other,
"Bet you can't eat just one."
(laughter)
- Is that a chicken joke?
- Mary had a little
office opposite her boss,
and every time he buzzed
for her, Mary came across.
(laughter)
- I bought a maxi-skirt,
but I had to stop wearing it.
- Why?
- Well, Maxi wanted it back.
(laughter)
- Due to a lack of interest,
tomorrow has been cancelled.
(laughter)
- Euphoria is red.
Melancholy is blue.
I've got schizophrenia
how abut you?
(laughter)
- Hey man, what happens
if you cross a flamingo
with a police man?
- You get pink fuzz, man.
(laughter)
- It must be Leap Year.
Tiny Tim finally asked me.
- He did, that two timer.
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
Harold is getting suspicious.
(laughter)
- If you crossed a polar
brush man with a Mexican
jumping bean what
would you have?
- A travelling salesman.
- [All] Good night, Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Good night, Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(horn honking)
- The preceding was
recorded earlier so the cast
could watch the Lucy Show.
- Dumb.
- Very interesting, but treason.
(clapping)