Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 13 - Episode #1.13 - full transcript
(soft woodwind music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now for his encore,
Vice President Hubert Humphrey
has kindly agreed to sing
Nobody Knows the
Trouble I've Seen.
- That's about as funny
as a glass of prune juice.
- Y'all know The
Judge is Coming?
- I just wanna swing.
- Did you see what I just saw?
- I forgot the question.
- Sock it to me.
- And now, direct
from the library.
And now, direct from the library
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Barbara Feldon.
Special guest star Tim Conway,
and Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Larry Hovis,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Paul Winchell,
Jo Anne Worley, yours
truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you by
all the really groovy
cuckoos down at, from to...
(grunts)
(upbeat jazz music)
- And now continuing
with our travel log,
we come to that
exciting chapter entitled,
the Year Truman
Capote was Abroad.
Here from the Eiffel tower in
beautiful downtown Burbank
is the inscrutable Dan Rowan
and the absolutely Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
We're very happy that
you turned us on tonight.
- We certainly can.
- Yeah.
Hey, Barbara Feldon's
back with us tonight.
- Is she ever?
- Yep, you really
like her, don't you?
- Well, I guess
if I didn't like her,
I wouldn't be sharing a
dressing room with her.
- [Dan] Come on, you're
not sharing a dressing room
with Barbara Feldon.
- Not in body,
but in spirit I am.
- Happens to be
a very nice girl.
Probably would have
nothing to do with you anyway.
- Not in body, but
in spirit she might.
- Hey, Tim Conway's here.
- Ah, my favorite.
- Yeah, I thought you two
hit it off pretty good there.
- Who?
- You and Tim Conway.
I saw you having lunch
together across the street.
- Was that Tim Conway?
- Well, who did
you think it was?
- I could have sworn it was
the guy from McHale's Navy.
- Tim Conway.
- No, no, the guy that
had a series, Rango.
Remember the big series,
Rango, ran for years?
- Yeah, Tim Conway.
- That's the one, Tim Conway.
- I'm glad you got me
straightened out on that.
I thought it was Tim Conway.
- No, it's Tim, Tim Conway.
- Oh, yeah, okay.
And we have a very
special treat for you tonight
on New Talents.
- You're not going to bring
back Tiny Tim, are you?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
we are, but that's next week.
Next week, Tiny
Tim's gonna be back.
- Finally came in
for a landing, huh?
- Incidentally, if you had come
to the run through of the show,
you wouldn't have to be asking
me who's on the show tonight.
- Well, I just couldn't make it.
- Something more
important come up?
- Only Raquel Welch.
- Raquel Welch, what's she got,
I don't think I wanna
hear about this.
- Well, I guess
it's pretty important
when Raquel Welch moves
into the house next door to me.
- And you, of course,
had to give her
a nice welcome to
the neighborhood.
(Dick chuckling)
Did you notify the
welcome wagon?
- She is a welcome
wagon. (audience laughs)
- Still no reason for
you to miss rehearsal.
- Well, how could I
come to rehearsal
in my wet bathing trunks?
- Wet bathing trunks,
you don't even have a pool!
- Raquel Welch doesn't
know I don't have a pool.
- Well, what's that
got to do with it?
- Well, when she heard
me yelling for help,
she came running
over to help me.
- You told her you almost
drowned and she believed that?
- Tonight she's
coming over for a little
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- [Dan] Who, who, who?
- Ann-Margret.
- What happened to Raquel Welch?
- She'll just have to forget me.
- Yeah, poor thing.
I just can't believe
that any reasonably
intelligent girl would go for that.
- Are you kidding, watch this.
Help!
Help!
Help!
- Oh darling, I will help you!
- Help!
(smooching)
Yuck!
Yuck.
I don't even have
a swimming pool.
I'm not wet, get outta
here! (audience laughing)
- Excuse me, Gladys, we
really have a show to get started.
Hate to interrupt you.
- Oh, you're right, Dan.
Forget about me, Dick,
I'm no good for you.
(audience laughing)
- Hate to interrupt this
beautiful story, gang,
but we really wanted to
invite you all to a party.
It's back this way.
You'd like to go to a party?
- I sure would, anything!
(audience applauding)
(upbeat dance music)
- You know my
girlfriend's father
threw us out of the
house last night?
Caught us dancing to a
Everett Dirksen record.
(upbeat dance music)
- Oh, I love Joan Baez.
I've even got a set of her
autographed fingerprints.
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, I've taken
the lead in my community
as an equal
opportunity employer.
I pay my wetbacks the
same as I pay my Indians.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat dance music)
- Goldie, if you believed in
something strongly enough,
would you go on a hunger strike?
- No, I couldn't, I'm on a diet.
(upbeat dance music)
- My church welcomes
all denominations,
but my favorite is
the five dollar bill.
(upbeat dance music)
- I tried to join the
sexual revolution,
but I flunked the physical.
(upbeat dance music)
- What with the ankle,
the knee, the hip,
the elbow, and the wrist,
boo to those who
speak evilly of the joint,
according to the Maharishi.
(upbeat dance music)
- Were you involved in a
lot of action during the war?
- Yeah, right up to
the time I was drafted.
(upbeat dance music)
- I went to a parochial school.
We really learned the three R's,
Reading, Writing, and Rhythm.
(upbeat dance music)
- What do you English
think of Jimmy Hoffa?
- Well, at least he's a
man of conviction, isn't he?
(upbeat dance music)
- You believe in the
theory of evolution?
- Well, I say, if it's good
enough for the monkeys,
it's good enough for all of us.
(upbeat dance music)
- Remember the words of
the captain of the Titanic,
"The family that prays
together, stays together."
(upbeat dance music)
- Last night I saw
Cool Hand Luke
and In the Heat of the Night,
and came home with a cold.
(upbeat dance music)
- According to the Maharishi,
he who sleepeth on a bed
of nails, is not but a lazy faker.
(upbeat dance music)
- Boris says that 35% of
the women in this country
are working women, the
other 65% are working men.
(upbeat dance music)
- I knew the minute
I laid eyes on you,
you were the one I wanted to
spend the rest of my life with.
You do live alone, don't you?
(upbeat dance music)
- It's not the hawks or the
doves that I'm worried about,
it's those cuckoos in Washington
who are trying to make
pigeons out of all of us.
(upbeat dance music)
- Do you think we should
escalate or negotiate?
- In Vietnam, or Detroit?
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, I spend a
lot of time in the market.
- Oh, are you a bull or a bear?
- Oh no, I'm a box boy.
(upbeat dance music)
(audience applauding)
(trumpet music pattern)
- Poo poo.
(bell chimes)
- [Crowd] Sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
- And now, folks.
It's Sock It To Me Time.
(thudding)
- [Crowd] Boo!
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me, y'all.
(whimsical woodwind music)
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(thudding)
- Yes, that's right, officer,
my husband is missing.
- Can you give me a
description, ma'am?
- Well, he's 29, six-foot-three.
(laughs) He has blond,
wavy hair, and big shoulders,
and extremely well-dressed.
- Joanne, what are you
saying, he's fat, bald, and 40!
- I know, but who
wants him back?
Big shoulders,
muscles, gorgeous guy.
- My name is Zsa Zsa Gabor.
And you gonna love my secret.
- That one alone is good
for 10 years of hard labor.
- I love beautiful,
downtown Burbank.
But then, I've seen
the rest of Burbank.
- Know who I am?
- No.
- I'm the fastest
gun in the west.
- You're Gunny Fast.
- No, I'm not Gunny
Fast, who are you?
- Never mind who I
am, just watch out,
because I got an
itchy triggy fingy.
- That's, itchy trigger finger.
- Well, I don't know,
it happened about...
- You oughta put
somethin' on it.
- Ah, me Arapaho.
- Ah, me Apache.
- Ah, me actor.
Who do I have to scalp
to get off this show?
(audience laughing)
(trumpet music pattern)
- Boo hoo.
- And now it's time once more
for the Fickle Finger
of Fate to find you.
- It found me, last night.
- I imagine, you,
the American public.
- Good for you, American public.
- Once again, it's
New Talent Time.
(offkey trumpet fanfare)
- That band gives me cramps.
(audience laughing)
- Now, come on, you
shouldn't call that band, bad.
- You shouldn't call
that band a band!
- Be that as it may, hey,
got a goodie for you tonight.
- Blonde or brunette?
- Neither, this is
Stupendo the Great,
the Man with the Iron Jaw.
(dramatic trumpet music)
(audience applauding)
Hello there, Stupendo,
now as I understand this,
you're going to get
a grip on this rope.
This here rope, right there,
you're gonna get a grip
on that rope with your teeth.
Is that right?
- That's right.
- And you'll be hoisted
200 feet into the air,
hanging from this rope by
nothing but your bare teeth.
Is that right?
- That's right.
- Okay, take it away.
(drum roll)
(audience applauding)
- That's magnificent!
- [Stupendo] Thank you!
(flute whistling) (thudding)
(clattering) (shattered
glass tinkling)
- Whew!
- Well, moving right
along now, folks.
Laugh-In is proud once again
to point the Fickle
Finger of Fate
at the ventriloquial
talents of Lucky Pierre.
- That's that guy
that was on, before.
- Yeah, very same.
- I don't know why they
call him, Lucky Pierre.
- Well, Dick, it's not his fault
that the first time he was
on, his dummy fell apart.
And the second time
his dummy died on him.
- Well, it wasn't my fault.
- And that's why
he's back tonight.
Everyone should
have a third chance.
- Okay, if you say so.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome once again,
Lucky Pierre!
(audience applauding)
- Thank you very much.
I'm a little bit nervous
tonight, because already,
three times on this show
I make, how you say,
(blows raspberry) you know?
But like we always
say in France,
the third time is a charm.
And to make sure, I make
this dummy myself tonight,
with my own hands, heh heh heh.
All right, Pepe, we begin huh?
Say hello to the nice
ladies and gentlemen.
(dummy grunting)
Pepe.
(dummy grunting)
Why.
(dummy grunting)
Would you, leave it to me, I.
Come on, open up, you.
Open up your mouth.
Oh my goodness, don't be afraid.
Where did you, which
gardette flipped you?
Oh, no, that's ridiculous,
every time I try to do this.
It's not way, oh goodness,
what point is that?
You never do, never
do anything right, you!
I make him, I will
open the mouth, here!
(dummy grunting)
Hold still. (dummy grunting)
Hold still.
(audience laughing)
He spoil the whole thing!
(sobbing) Every
time I try to do!
Nothing but a failure, failure!
- [Dummy Voiceover]
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me.
- Oh, quickly, quickly,
the glue, the glue, hurry up!
(audience applauding)
Where's the glue,
glue, here, here.
(audience applauding)
- I guess that about wraps it
up for New Talent for tonight.
- Well, we had some
goodies tonight, didn't we.
- Certainly did, next
week, another goodie.
- Anyone I know?
- Your favorite all time.
- Tiny Tim!
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- Whoopee!
(upbeat trumpet fanfare)
(audience applauding)
- And now, here's this week's
most popular teenage request.
- Daddy, can I
have the car tonight?
(elaborate piano introduction)
You say potato and I say potahto
You say tomato, I say tomahto
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto
What are you buggin' me about?
They're all the same, dummy.
(whimsical organ music)
- For those of you who
can't brush after every meal.
- And now from Gluck's Hillside,
the music of Paul
Pendarvis and his orchestra
featuring Paul Ash.
- Forget about me,
Dick, I'm no good for ya.
(audience laughing)
(snake charming music)
(thudding)
(drum roll)
(thudding)
- [Crowd] Sock it to me.
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- [Crowd] Sock it
to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
(thudding)
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me!
Aw, sock it to General Sarnoff.
(whimsical organ music)
("Shave and a
Haircut, Six Bits")
- Later, that same day.
- Yes, that's right, my
husband is missing.
- What does he look like, ma'am?
- Well, what difference
does it make?
When he left, he wasn't
wearing any clothes.
- We'll need more to
go on than that, ma'am.
Does he has any
distinguishing characteristics?
- You're not gonna let the
kiddies watch after that one,
are you, get 'em in bed.
- I'm gonna show you to
fastest draw in the west.
- All right.
- You ready?
- Go ahead.
- Wanna see it again?
- Oh, that's fast.
- That's fast.
- Now, I thought that was funny.
But, I laugh at anything.
- Me, Comanche.
- Me, Navaho.
- Me, Sweet Sioux.
(audience laughing)
- If'n I plan to-a attend
the, uh, Democratic-a
nominating convention, if
only for the sake of the children.
(trumpet music pattern)
- Fi.
- Dumb!
- Hi, well, ladies
and gentlemen,
it's time to stop all
this fooling around.
Seriously, folks,
it's time to bring you
the Rowan and Martin
Report, when each week,
Laugh-In looks at the news,
past, peasant, and future.
(jaunty dance music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse you
We just love for oy,
to give you our views
La da, de da Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at
the news - [All] Ma!
- Hey, Dan, I'm just want
you to know I'm gonna kill ya!
(popping)
Waa haa haa.
- And now, here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky!
(jazz trumpet music)
- Wrong.
May the good fairy
bip in your purg.
(audience laughing)
Mays Landing, New
Jersey, Phyllis Diller today
claimed she lost her
bid for the presidency
of the National Nudists'
Society, due to lack of support.
(audience laughing)
New York City,
now it can be told,
following Nelson
Rockefeller's announcement
that he would run if drafted,
Richard Nixon called
General Hershey
to see if he could arrange it.
Washington, D. C.,
the American Air Force
announced this morning that
they had lost another H-bomb.
However, hopes are
high for an early recovery,
since it disappeared
in the Pentagon.
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away, Goldie!
(drum roll)
- Laugh-In news of the
past, present and future
continues now (giggles)
with the news of the future,
present and past,
so take it away,
Dan Rowan in the future.
Bye.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
1988, Washington, D. C., with
total employment in America
finally a reality, President
Shirley Temple today.
(audience laughing)
Disbanded the poverty program,
throwing four million
government workers on relief.
Think about it.
Also, from the
nation's capitol, 1988,
there was a shake up in
the administration today,
as former World Bank
president Robert McNamara
was sworn in as
Secretary of Defense,
and immediately pledged to
bring our boys home by Christmas.
1988, Washington, D. C.,
the Warren Commission today
handed down its
long-awaited second report,
clearing up 20 years
of doubts and rumors
in spite of the fire in
the National Archives,
and the mysterious
disappearance of Dallas, Texas.
The commission was able to
reach a definitive conclusion.
The report was entitled,
What Assassination?
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Dan.
And now, back to you, Dan.
- In keeping with our
policy of bringing you
interesting people in
interesting professions,
we have here tonight,
a lady who wrote
and said she qualified
in this department.
And we'll soon see if she does.
Good evening, ma'am,
and what is your profession?
- I'm a taco tucker.
- Oh, a taco tucker.
- Uh huh.
- Where are you a taco tucker?
- I'm a taco tucker at
Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern.
- You're a taco tucker at
Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern.
- Uh huh, before that,
I was a duck plucker.
- Before you were a taco tucker
at Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern,
you were a duck plucker.
- Uh huh.
- Where was that?
- Well, before I
was a taco tucker
at Teddy's Tasty Taco
Tavern, I was a duck plucker
at Plucky Dick's Duck Pluckery.
- In other words, you
were a duck plucker
at Plucky Dick's Duck
Pluckery before you were
a taco tucker at Teddy's
Tasty Taco Tavern.
- And before that, I
was chicken checker
at Charlie's Chicken Kitchen.
- Ah, I see, before you
were a duck plucker
at Plucky Dick's Duck Pluckery,
you were a taco tucker at
Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern
and a chicken checker at
Charlie's Chicken Kitchen.
- I also had to check
Charlie's chihuahua.
- Ha ha ha.
Let me sum this up.
You also checked
Charlie's chihuahua,
as well as Charlie's chickens
at Charlie's Chicken Kitchen
after you were a taco tucker
at Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern
and a duck plucker at
Plucky Dick's Duck Pluckery.
Is there anything
you'd like to add to that?
- Uh huh, I'm very
glad you didn't try
to do this bit with Goldie.
- Oh!
- That's the most beautiful
thing I every heard.
- The Laugh-In news goes back
to a great moment
in the American past.
Benjamin Franklin, a man,
a kite, and history is made.
(thunder booming)
(audience twittering)
(thunder roaring)
(audience laughing)
- Okay, how about
an all-gas kitchen?
- Very interesting.
But he screwed it up.
- Mr. Millard Yakov here,
has gathered two of
every animal in the world.
And right now, he's
finishing a giant rocketship
which he calls Ark II.
Perhaps he knows
something we don't.
Well, love.
- Yes.
- So this is your rocketship.
- Uh huh, oh, don't say that.
The neighbors think
I'm buildin' a gazebo.
- Oh, sorry, have you had
much trouble with the neighbors?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, we've
had quite a bit of trouble.
As a matter of fact,
two of my anteaters
have eaten Mrs. Robinson's
rose garden six times.
She's about ready
to shout, I'll tell you.
- I'll bet, that's a shame.
- Yeah, you should
see what the pelicans
have done to our outdoor
statues (whistles), yeah.
- Really?
- Sir Lancelot's a
white knight, I'll tell ya.
- Ha ha ha, any other problems?
- Well, yeah, I found
that if you're gonna collect
two of everything,
don't put the elephants
where they can
watch the rabbits, boy.
- I'll remember that.
Tell me, why are
you doing all this?
- Well, with the world
being in the mess it is now,
you know, the word
came down that I'm to take
two of everything
and a few people,
and go up into space
into orbit, and then,
when everything's all
square, come back down.
- Oh, you mean, the word
came down from heaven?
- No, no, no, came down
from Washington, yeah.
See, as soon as the president
and his family gets here,
we're blastin' off.
(whistling)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- This station invites
you to join with us now
for a brief period
of silent meditation.
(snoring)
(whimsical band music)
- I forgot the question.
- (laughs) Dumb.
- I'm gonna vote for
Dean Martin for Congress.
- Why?
- 'Cause he's spent more
time on the floor of the house.
- Why is California
politics like a poker hand?
- I don't know, why?
- One more queen, and
they'll have a full house.
- Uh oh!
- Handsome man!
- Hello, up there.
- Will you still love me
when my hair turns gray?
- Why not, haven't
I stayed with you
through all the other colors?
- Oh ho, dumb!
- I was a terrible
drunk, but I reformed.
Now I'm a terrific drunk.
- Hey, did you ever
think, if Regis Toomey
stuck his finger in a socket,
he'd be Socket Toomey?
- If Shirley Jones
married Jack Jones,
she'd be Shirley Jones.
- That's dumb.
- Wanted, for old man,
practical nurse desirable.
Heh heh heh, impractical
nurse with Walnettos,
even more desirable.
- Crazy George is so dumb,
he thinks manual labor
is a Mexican obstetrician.
Really!
- Is that a chicken joke?
Cluck, cluck.
- If you cross a mink
with a boa constrictor,
you get a coat that eats goats.
- Goldie!
- Yeah!
- I hear Tarzan
and Jane split up.
- Oh, is that the truth?
- She got tired of his
monkeying around.
- Abracadabra, there's
a word to conjure with.
- Did you hear about the
boarding house that blew up?
- [Dan] No!
- Roomers are flying.
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by.
(upbeat soft rock music)
(soft jazzy music)
- And now, folks, it's
Sock It To Me Time.
- [Crowd] Sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(Judy yelling)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
- Oh, Judy, they
shouldn't do that to you.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me, sock it to me.
(whimsical organ music)
- Johnny Downs was
going to be here this evening
as our special
guest star, but we...
- Forget about me,
Dick, take up knitting.
I mean it.
- Well, you gotta
find her, that's all.
You just gotta find her.
- Well, what does
she look like, sir?
- Well, she's five-feet-two.
- Mm hm.
And she has eyes of blue, and...
- Let me see if I got that.
She's five-foot-two.
- Yeah.
- Eyes of blue.
- Yeah.
And oh what those
five feet can do
Has anybody seen my gal
Wish I had a ukelele.
- If you cross a
zebra with a cow,
you'd get striped milk.
- If Ladybird Johnson
married Tony Curtis,
her real name would
be Ladybird Swartz.
- If Ruby Keeler married
Frank Sinatra, she'd be.
Ruby-dooby-Doo
- If you cross a bull
with a porcupine,
you'd get a cross bull.
- If Oona O'Neill
married Jack Okie,
she'd be Oona Okie.
- If Martha Tilton.
Let me put it this way.
If Martha Tilton married.
If Martha Tilton.
If Martha Tilton
married Conrad Hilton,
she'd be Martha Tilton-Hilton.
- Me, Running Bear.
- Me, Hunting Bear.
- Me, Baby Bear.
- All right, you're
gonna get it.
- Yeah?
- You ready?
- I'm ready.
- All right, you know
the code of the west?
- Yeah.
- What's the code of the west?
- Dit dit, dit
dit, dit dit dit dit.
- Aw, that isn't...
- I ain't gonna be
here next week.
I found a wallet with
some credit cards in it.
- I'll drink to that.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight Laugh-In had hoped
to present the first in a
series of tributes to great men.
Our first subject was to
have been Dr. Elias Nobel,
inventor of the
tongue depresser.
In keeping with our producer's
obsession with brevity,
we were allowed
only two minutes.
Dr. Nobel, however,
lived to be 93.
Now, our problem is how
to present these 93 years
in a mere two minutes,
thereby satisfying CFG,
and also getting it on.
So we decided
to do it like this.
- This mustard plaster
will help your cough.
Just keep it on your chest.
- I'll try, doctor.
- Oh, doctor, I think
I have pneumonia.
- Good heavens,
you sit down here,
while I check your pulse
against the normal rate.
Going steady.
Now I'll check mine.
Going steady.
- What do you think?
- I think we've been
going steady long enough.
Come with me.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, just think, just
married, a home of our own.
And a stove.
And guess what we
are going to have?
- What?
- A baby.
- A baby, good heavens, you
must go and have an examination.
- Yes, I will.
- [Doctor] Well,
did you have one?
- Yes, I did, his name is Elias.
I think I will put
him in his room.
- Wait, I think I
heard him crying.
- Is he crying?
- No.
- Is he sleeping?
- No.
- What is he doing?
- He is shaving, I
think he's coming now.
- Father, mother.
I have just finished
medical school.
And I met the cutest
girl on the way home.
Dear!
Father, mother.
My wife.
Sit right here, dear, and
make yourself at home.
Plenty of hot water, quick.
(audience laughter)
(gasps)
Good heavens, Archduke
Ferdinand assassinated.
This means World War I.
I must go.
We must win.
We won!
I must perfect a suitable
tongue depressor.
It must be made of a
material that is workable
and very light wood, with
a surface that is very flat.
- How about a
flat piece of wood?
- That's it!
My dear, take this
and mail it at the corner.
(sighs)
Now, my work is done.
For years, I've slaved
to perfect this invention.
And now, at last,
I've got it off my chest.
- Good for you, doc.
Now how do I get this
mustard plaster off mine?
- We interrupt this program
to tell you tonight's program
is brought to you from the
luxurious smokehouse restaurant
here in beautiful,
downtown Burbank.
That may not mean
too much to you,
but it's a free
drink for the cast
immediately following
tonight's program.
- Dumb.
(whimsical organ music)
- And sign it very
cordially yours,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Now read that back,
please, Miss Jones.
- Well, I took
speed writing, sir.
- That's okay,
just read it back.
- Dear Sir.
(speaking gibberish)
(audience laughing)
- Gluck's Hillside is only
a short moment away,
if you really want to be there.
- Try to forget me, Dick.
I'll only hurt you.
I mean it.
(crackling)
(drum roll)
(booming)
- And now, folks, it's
Sock It To Me Time.
So, sock it to me.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- You hit that kid again, and
somebody's gonna answer to me.
(whimsical organ music)
(whistling) (thud)
(whimsical organ music)
- My dear, you have
a hole in your stocking.
(squealing)
- I don't have any stockings on.
It must be my vaccination.
(laughing)
- Happiness is Elizabeth Taylor
mistaking you for
Richard Burton.
- I never get away with that.
- Happiness is checking
into a motel room,
only to find out it's already
occupied by Lainie Kazan.
- They're kidding.
- Happiness is
going to a love-in,
where the other person to
show up is Sophia Loren.
- I am surprised at NBC.
- Happiness is
doing at your age,
what Georgie Jessel
is trying to do at his age.
- What we have
here is a failure.
To communicate.
- Happiness is bumping
into Raquel Welch.
Very slowly.
(bouncy classical piano music)
(laughing)
- For my next letter, I'd
like to type, chopsticks!
(audience laughing)
- You'll find the baths at
Gluck's Hillside very beneficial.
You'll find that...
- What would you
say if I told you
I'm willing to do
anything to have children?
- Adopt.
(audience laughing)
- Mm, you know General Custer?
- You mean, the troublemaker?
- Oy, that's the one.
- Tonight, Mod Mod
World looks at advertising.
(upbeat jazz trumpet music)
- And so, tonight,
as what's-his-name partner
just said a moment ago,
we take a look at the Mod
Mod World of Advertising.
- Hey, that's one of
my favorite subjects.
- Yeah, I imagine you would
know something about that.
After all, this whole business
is based on advertising.
- I'll have you know
that my great-grandfather
started advertising
in this country.
- Pah-shaw!
- No, his name was Harvey.
- Harvey Pshaw, and he
started advertising in this country.
- Yeah, he walked the 13
Colonies, carrying a sign.
- No kidding.
- Sure.
- Sponsor's message?
- Yeah, it said,
"Warning, snuff sniffing
"may be hazardous
to your health."
He said that.
- He did that, too.
Because there were a lot of
snuff-sniffers in those days.
But advertising's
come a long way
since your grandpappy's day.
- That's all I see, is
newspapers, magazines.
- Yeah, radio, television.
You know, a person today
can get a message on television
and within a split second,
million and millions of viewers
will have seen that message.
In a split second, like that.
- You're kidding.
- Isn't that amazing?
- In a split second?
- Yeah.
- Hey, all you
wildies out there.
I'll be home in about an hour.
- Oh, come on, you're
not selling anything.
- You wanna bet?
- You know what the next big
step in advertising's gonna be?
- Outdoor billboards.
- No, as a matter of fact,
the days of the outdoor
billboards are numbered.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Why sure, Ladybird
Johnson says
she's gonna tear 'em all down.
- Where are the traffic
cops gonna hide?
- The next big step in outdoor
is not in outdoor advertising,
the next big step is subliminal.
(Dick burbles)
- Sub, subliminal advertising.
(Dick burbles)
- That's right.
This is where you get a message
that your conscious
mind isn't aware of.
It attacks your
unconscious mind.
- I used to go with
a lady like that.
- Lady like what?
- Unconscious.
- No, no, I'm talking about
getting a message across.
- Third or fourth martini, and
she was gone for the night.
- No message there.
- Wipe out city, whoo!
- No, but it is all part
of the Mod Mod
World of Advertising.
That's what's coming, boy.
What's your favorite commercial?
- Avon Calling!
- What's so special
about Avon calling?
- Well, I guess if you
get a lady to come over
and ring your chimes,
you got a foot in the door.
- So as soon as she
finds out that you're alone,
she's not gonna stick around.
- I'll subterfuge her.
- You'll subterfuge her,
how you gonna do that?
- Get this plan, now she comes
over and rings the doorbell.
Right?
- Yeah.
- And I answer the
door, and she says,
"Is the lady of the
house at home?"
And I say, "No, would you
like to come in and wait?"
- But you live alone!
- You bet your sweet bippy I do.
- Well, she's gonna find
that out, sooner or later.
- But it could take years!
(audience laughing)
- Well, while we're
waitin' for the Avon lady
to make up her mind, the
Mod Mod World's gonna
take a look at advertising.
(upbeat jazz organ music)
- One of the most important
advertising jobs at the moment
is in the hands of those
who must advertise
and sell democracy.
For example, the
United States government
is now authorized
to offer reparation
to Vietnamese civilians
who suffer losses.
The amounts specified are
42 dollars for destroyed house,
and eight dollars
for personal injury.
(bomb explosions booming)
- Yeah, try and keep
it down out there.
- Mr. Major?
- Yeah.
- Preeze, my house, she bust up
from everybody shook up,
look, see, even broke arm.
Wife hurt, honorable
grandfather now with ancestors.
Now, you pay, preeze.
- Uh huh, yeah, well, all right.
Well, we got a little
form here to fill out.
Where was your wife hurt?
- No like to say, but it's
worth more than eight dollars.
- Yeah, well, I'm on
authorized to pay eight.
- But I have better
offer already.
I say, you make nine,
and I throw in honorable
grandfather for good will.
- Not bad, not bad, well,
I will have to see him.
(bomb explosion booming
drowns out speaker)
Oh, oh, oh, I broke my
arm and my knee hurts.
- Oh, general, you lucky,
now you be rich man.
You one pudgy son of a gun, you.
(upbeat jazz organ music)
- Mr. Costairs, I
can't understand why
you're taking your
account to another agency.
What's wrong?
- What's wrong, I'll
tell you what's wrong.
You guys haven't had an
original idea in 20 years.
All you do is imitate
other ad agencies.
You're nothing but a
bunch of no-talent copycats.
That's what's wrong.
- Copycats, now what's
that supposed to mean?
(audience laughing)
La, la la la, Walnetto
Wanna buy a sexy postcard?
Wanna buy a sexy book?
Wanna buy a sexy movie?
Wanna buy a softer handbag?
(audience laughing)
(jazz trumpet music)
- Advertising has made
its impact felt in every area.
Today most channels
sign off with a sermonette.
However, as advertising begins
to creep into such programming,
we take you backstage at
a sermonette of the future.
(whistling)
- All right, now, try and
remember, reverend,
we're gonna pick you
up here on camera one.
When you come to,
"Thou shalt not kill,"
we cut to camera two
over here, for a close up,
and I think you can lay
that one in there pretty hard.
That's a strong one, right?
- I must admit,
I'm very nervous.
- Oh, don't worry
about a thing, reverend.
We got the Lord's Prayer
on cue cards there for you.
- Mr. Kemp, don't you think
the time of this program
should be changed?
Wednesday's such
a bad day for religion.
Don't you think it would
be better on Sunday?
- What, go up against
the Smothers Brothers?
- Smothers Brothers?
Is that a Franciscan order?
(upbeat jazz organ music)
When you're selling merchandise
Please remember to advertise
You'll be rich
before you're through
Just like Madison Avenue
You've all seen
Miss Scarlet 'Hara
Read about her great career
Once we couldn't get her tested
Couldn't get herself arrested
But with time and great expense
Advertised her measurements
She was voted
actress of the year
You see, it pays to advertise
Pays to advertise
Now, the bank books balance
Since she's shown
her hidden talents
Here's an honest
fact It don't pay to act
It pays to advertise
Once they made a cigarette
Longest one you've heard of yet
But when people
tried to smoke 'em
Naturally, they started chokin'
So with guts and cash and brain
They began a big campaign
Now this week, we
all may run to death
Because it pays to advertise
Pays to advertise Sure,
a smoke is stronger
Silly millimeters longer
No one seems to care
About the cancer scare
It pays to advertise
(audience applauding)
- And now we've come
to the segment of the show
we do every week,
tonight for the first time,
called Pot Porry.
- Goldie, that's poh-purri.
- Oh, poh-purri.
- What's it mean?
- A little bit of everything.
- Oh, that's pot-porry.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical organ music)
- How do I look?
- Great, how about me?
(audience laughing)
- Senator, I wonder
if we could have
just a couple of
minutes of your time?
- No, I'm sorry.
- Quick interview.
- I can't talk to you now, no.
- Senator, you are fighting
for reelection this year.
- Huh, oh yeah.
- And we'd like
to get your opinion
on a few of the few
vital issues of the day.
Integration?
- Integration, well,
yes, now sure.
I believe that people
are entitled to know
where their officials stand.
- All right, well, what
about open housing?
- Well, I'm in favor of
open housing, put it down.
In favor of it, now I say
if a man wants to move
into an all-white
neighborhood, I say let him do it.
- [Reporter] I see.
- Unless'n, of
course, it's a Negro.
You know, gotta draw a line
somewhere, now don't we.
Don't understand what all
the fuss is about anyway.
Now, you don't find your
average white person
movin' out of their suburbs
and pushin' their way
into a Negro
neighborhood, now do you.
- Well, for the
most part, Senator,
those neighborhoods
are ghettos and slums.
- Boy, don't use
words like that.
These people got to live in 'em.
We've got enough
trouble as it is.
- Senator, you have opposed
the last 10 Civil Rights bills.
- Well, there is such a
thing as movin' too fast.
Now, isn't there, I mean,
we got to draw a line
again somewhere, now, I
say, and you can put it down.
This is for the record, I am
against bigotry of any form.
- I see, well, Senator,
how do you explain the fact
that you're an acknowledged
member of an athletic club
that excludes Negros and Jews?
- Well now, I don't
let my political beliefs
interfere with my personal life.
I gotta slip.
- I got sick and tired of the
mundane life in the big city.
I wanted excitement and danger.
That's why I came here to live
on the side of this
very active volcano.
Every day is fraught
with tension and danger.
It is very exciting.
I can hardly wait.
(rumbling)
For the first eruption.
(bright piano music)
(audience laughing)
- Five, four, three, two, one.
Blast off.
(engines roaring)
Well, here we go.
First two men on
the way to the moon.
Boy, what a thrill.
Hey, too bad Thompson got
the measles, had to be replaced.
Huh, stroke of luck
for you, though, huh?
Gee, I almost forgot,
in the rush of gettin' off.
We never really had a
chance to meet, captain.
We're gonna be alone up
here for the next three months.
May as well get acquainted,
my name's Major Robert Martin.
- Just call me Snookie.
(audience laughing)
- Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the finals in the Olympic
100-meter backstroke.
The contestants will swim
the length of the pool twice,
up and back.
Introducing in lane one,
the champion from Italy.
The champion from
the United States.
The champion from Great Britain.
Finally, the champion
from Poland.
- Very interesting.
But once again,
they screwed it up.
- Time to say, good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Who's Dick?
- Bye, Dick.
Dick's gone, y'all.
- Good night, Lucy.
Good night, Jim Arness.
Wherever you are.
- Hate to shake you up,
but we got an announcement
about next week's show,
this has gotta snap you're...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- You know, I would normally
just be enchanted to hear it.
But, we're just a
little out of time.
Next week, we have a...
- She was caught in an
elevator for three weeks
with a garter belt salesman
from Butte, Montana.
- Oh, next week, we have...
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out
of the elevator would
be of interest to the folks.
- I don't really
think it would be,
but if you think it would
be, go ahead and tell us
what the garter belt salesman
did to your, I don't know.
- (snorts) Well, by golly,
when they finally
came out of the elevator,
he was all, and she
was, I better not tell it.
- No, no, of course,
not, say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(upbeat soft rock music)
- What did the mystic say as
walked across the hot coals?
(shouting)
- I'll teach you
to fool with me!
- Who needs lessons?
- What you have, madam, is
a short circuit in the ignition.
- Well, don't just
stand there, lengthen it!
- My uncle sailed around Italy.
- Did he touch Florence?
- Oh, no, her husband was home.
- Mr. Conway.
- Yes.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Here come de judge,
here come de judge!
- My mother made me a paranoid.
- If I send her the wool,
would she make me one, too?
- Why does the flamingo
stand on one leg?
- Well, um, (giggles).
If he lifted the other
one, he'd fall down.
- My favorite politicians are
Dewey, Nixon, and Truman.
But then again, I'd vote
for any Tom, Dick, or Harry.
- It may not show,
but I've suffered.
- It shows!
- Hey, mac, what time is it?
- How did you know
my name was Mac?
- Just guessed.
- Well, guess what time it is.
- Oh, look!
- What, Rose, what?
- Is that a ladybug?
- I don't know, turn it over.
- What kind of wine do you serve
when you're dining on elephant?
- Oh, any good
gray wine will do.
- Goldie, what are
your measurements?
- I'm perfect, 22, 22, 22.
- Hey, that's perfect.
- If Jan Sterling
married Phil Silvers,
divorced him, and
married Robert Service,
she'd be Jan
Sterling Silver Service.
(audience laughing)
- As Ivan the Terrible said,
when he caught tsarina
with Rasputin, that's a no-no.
(whimsical organ music)
- Psst!
- Shh!
We've got to stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- How many times do I
have to tell you, I am Harold.
- This show was
prerecorded earlier,
because beautiful, downtown
Burbank closes at seven o'clock.
- All right, this is it.
- I'm ready.
- Back to back.
- Back to back.
- Take three paces.
- Three paces.
- Turn and fire.
- Turn and fire.
- [Both] One, two.
- Very interesting.
It reminds me of my old outfit.
(person applauding) (NBC chimes)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now for his encore,
Vice President Hubert Humphrey
has kindly agreed to sing
Nobody Knows the
Trouble I've Seen.
- That's about as funny
as a glass of prune juice.
- Y'all know The
Judge is Coming?
- I just wanna swing.
- Did you see what I just saw?
- I forgot the question.
- Sock it to me.
- And now, direct
from the library.
And now, direct from the library
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Barbara Feldon.
Special guest star Tim Conway,
and Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Larry Hovis,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Paul Winchell,
Jo Anne Worley, yours
truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you by
all the really groovy
cuckoos down at, from to...
(grunts)
(upbeat jazz music)
- And now continuing
with our travel log,
we come to that
exciting chapter entitled,
the Year Truman
Capote was Abroad.
Here from the Eiffel tower in
beautiful downtown Burbank
is the inscrutable Dan Rowan
and the absolutely Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
We're very happy that
you turned us on tonight.
- We certainly can.
- Yeah.
Hey, Barbara Feldon's
back with us tonight.
- Is she ever?
- Yep, you really
like her, don't you?
- Well, I guess
if I didn't like her,
I wouldn't be sharing a
dressing room with her.
- [Dan] Come on, you're
not sharing a dressing room
with Barbara Feldon.
- Not in body,
but in spirit I am.
- Happens to be
a very nice girl.
Probably would have
nothing to do with you anyway.
- Not in body, but
in spirit she might.
- Hey, Tim Conway's here.
- Ah, my favorite.
- Yeah, I thought you two
hit it off pretty good there.
- Who?
- You and Tim Conway.
I saw you having lunch
together across the street.
- Was that Tim Conway?
- Well, who did
you think it was?
- I could have sworn it was
the guy from McHale's Navy.
- Tim Conway.
- No, no, the guy that
had a series, Rango.
Remember the big series,
Rango, ran for years?
- Yeah, Tim Conway.
- That's the one, Tim Conway.
- I'm glad you got me
straightened out on that.
I thought it was Tim Conway.
- No, it's Tim, Tim Conway.
- Oh, yeah, okay.
And we have a very
special treat for you tonight
on New Talents.
- You're not going to bring
back Tiny Tim, are you?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
we are, but that's next week.
Next week, Tiny
Tim's gonna be back.
- Finally came in
for a landing, huh?
- Incidentally, if you had come
to the run through of the show,
you wouldn't have to be asking
me who's on the show tonight.
- Well, I just couldn't make it.
- Something more
important come up?
- Only Raquel Welch.
- Raquel Welch, what's she got,
I don't think I wanna
hear about this.
- Well, I guess
it's pretty important
when Raquel Welch moves
into the house next door to me.
- And you, of course,
had to give her
a nice welcome to
the neighborhood.
(Dick chuckling)
Did you notify the
welcome wagon?
- She is a welcome
wagon. (audience laughs)
- Still no reason for
you to miss rehearsal.
- Well, how could I
come to rehearsal
in my wet bathing trunks?
- Wet bathing trunks,
you don't even have a pool!
- Raquel Welch doesn't
know I don't have a pool.
- Well, what's that
got to do with it?
- Well, when she heard
me yelling for help,
she came running
over to help me.
- You told her you almost
drowned and she believed that?
- Tonight she's
coming over for a little
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- [Dan] Who, who, who?
- Ann-Margret.
- What happened to Raquel Welch?
- She'll just have to forget me.
- Yeah, poor thing.
I just can't believe
that any reasonably
intelligent girl would go for that.
- Are you kidding, watch this.
Help!
Help!
Help!
- Oh darling, I will help you!
- Help!
(smooching)
Yuck!
Yuck.
I don't even have
a swimming pool.
I'm not wet, get outta
here! (audience laughing)
- Excuse me, Gladys, we
really have a show to get started.
Hate to interrupt you.
- Oh, you're right, Dan.
Forget about me, Dick,
I'm no good for you.
(audience laughing)
- Hate to interrupt this
beautiful story, gang,
but we really wanted to
invite you all to a party.
It's back this way.
You'd like to go to a party?
- I sure would, anything!
(audience applauding)
(upbeat dance music)
- You know my
girlfriend's father
threw us out of the
house last night?
Caught us dancing to a
Everett Dirksen record.
(upbeat dance music)
- Oh, I love Joan Baez.
I've even got a set of her
autographed fingerprints.
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, I've taken
the lead in my community
as an equal
opportunity employer.
I pay my wetbacks the
same as I pay my Indians.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat dance music)
- Goldie, if you believed in
something strongly enough,
would you go on a hunger strike?
- No, I couldn't, I'm on a diet.
(upbeat dance music)
- My church welcomes
all denominations,
but my favorite is
the five dollar bill.
(upbeat dance music)
- I tried to join the
sexual revolution,
but I flunked the physical.
(upbeat dance music)
- What with the ankle,
the knee, the hip,
the elbow, and the wrist,
boo to those who
speak evilly of the joint,
according to the Maharishi.
(upbeat dance music)
- Were you involved in a
lot of action during the war?
- Yeah, right up to
the time I was drafted.
(upbeat dance music)
- I went to a parochial school.
We really learned the three R's,
Reading, Writing, and Rhythm.
(upbeat dance music)
- What do you English
think of Jimmy Hoffa?
- Well, at least he's a
man of conviction, isn't he?
(upbeat dance music)
- You believe in the
theory of evolution?
- Well, I say, if it's good
enough for the monkeys,
it's good enough for all of us.
(upbeat dance music)
- Remember the words of
the captain of the Titanic,
"The family that prays
together, stays together."
(upbeat dance music)
- Last night I saw
Cool Hand Luke
and In the Heat of the Night,
and came home with a cold.
(upbeat dance music)
- According to the Maharishi,
he who sleepeth on a bed
of nails, is not but a lazy faker.
(upbeat dance music)
- Boris says that 35% of
the women in this country
are working women, the
other 65% are working men.
(upbeat dance music)
- I knew the minute
I laid eyes on you,
you were the one I wanted to
spend the rest of my life with.
You do live alone, don't you?
(upbeat dance music)
- It's not the hawks or the
doves that I'm worried about,
it's those cuckoos in Washington
who are trying to make
pigeons out of all of us.
(upbeat dance music)
- Do you think we should
escalate or negotiate?
- In Vietnam, or Detroit?
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, I spend a
lot of time in the market.
- Oh, are you a bull or a bear?
- Oh no, I'm a box boy.
(upbeat dance music)
(audience applauding)
(trumpet music pattern)
- Poo poo.
(bell chimes)
- [Crowd] Sock it
to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
- And now, folks.
It's Sock It To Me Time.
(thudding)
- [Crowd] Boo!
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me, y'all.
(whimsical woodwind music)
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(thudding)
- Yes, that's right, officer,
my husband is missing.
- Can you give me a
description, ma'am?
- Well, he's 29, six-foot-three.
(laughs) He has blond,
wavy hair, and big shoulders,
and extremely well-dressed.
- Joanne, what are you
saying, he's fat, bald, and 40!
- I know, but who
wants him back?
Big shoulders,
muscles, gorgeous guy.
- My name is Zsa Zsa Gabor.
And you gonna love my secret.
- That one alone is good
for 10 years of hard labor.
- I love beautiful,
downtown Burbank.
But then, I've seen
the rest of Burbank.
- Know who I am?
- No.
- I'm the fastest
gun in the west.
- You're Gunny Fast.
- No, I'm not Gunny
Fast, who are you?
- Never mind who I
am, just watch out,
because I got an
itchy triggy fingy.
- That's, itchy trigger finger.
- Well, I don't know,
it happened about...
- You oughta put
somethin' on it.
- Ah, me Arapaho.
- Ah, me Apache.
- Ah, me actor.
Who do I have to scalp
to get off this show?
(audience laughing)
(trumpet music pattern)
- Boo hoo.
- And now it's time once more
for the Fickle Finger
of Fate to find you.
- It found me, last night.
- I imagine, you,
the American public.
- Good for you, American public.
- Once again, it's
New Talent Time.
(offkey trumpet fanfare)
- That band gives me cramps.
(audience laughing)
- Now, come on, you
shouldn't call that band, bad.
- You shouldn't call
that band a band!
- Be that as it may, hey,
got a goodie for you tonight.
- Blonde or brunette?
- Neither, this is
Stupendo the Great,
the Man with the Iron Jaw.
(dramatic trumpet music)
(audience applauding)
Hello there, Stupendo,
now as I understand this,
you're going to get
a grip on this rope.
This here rope, right there,
you're gonna get a grip
on that rope with your teeth.
Is that right?
- That's right.
- And you'll be hoisted
200 feet into the air,
hanging from this rope by
nothing but your bare teeth.
Is that right?
- That's right.
- Okay, take it away.
(drum roll)
(audience applauding)
- That's magnificent!
- [Stupendo] Thank you!
(flute whistling) (thudding)
(clattering) (shattered
glass tinkling)
- Whew!
- Well, moving right
along now, folks.
Laugh-In is proud once again
to point the Fickle
Finger of Fate
at the ventriloquial
talents of Lucky Pierre.
- That's that guy
that was on, before.
- Yeah, very same.
- I don't know why they
call him, Lucky Pierre.
- Well, Dick, it's not his fault
that the first time he was
on, his dummy fell apart.
And the second time
his dummy died on him.
- Well, it wasn't my fault.
- And that's why
he's back tonight.
Everyone should
have a third chance.
- Okay, if you say so.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome once again,
Lucky Pierre!
(audience applauding)
- Thank you very much.
I'm a little bit nervous
tonight, because already,
three times on this show
I make, how you say,
(blows raspberry) you know?
But like we always
say in France,
the third time is a charm.
And to make sure, I make
this dummy myself tonight,
with my own hands, heh heh heh.
All right, Pepe, we begin huh?
Say hello to the nice
ladies and gentlemen.
(dummy grunting)
Pepe.
(dummy grunting)
Why.
(dummy grunting)
Would you, leave it to me, I.
Come on, open up, you.
Open up your mouth.
Oh my goodness, don't be afraid.
Where did you, which
gardette flipped you?
Oh, no, that's ridiculous,
every time I try to do this.
It's not way, oh goodness,
what point is that?
You never do, never
do anything right, you!
I make him, I will
open the mouth, here!
(dummy grunting)
Hold still. (dummy grunting)
Hold still.
(audience laughing)
He spoil the whole thing!
(sobbing) Every
time I try to do!
Nothing but a failure, failure!
- [Dummy Voiceover]
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me.
- Oh, quickly, quickly,
the glue, the glue, hurry up!
(audience applauding)
Where's the glue,
glue, here, here.
(audience applauding)
- I guess that about wraps it
up for New Talent for tonight.
- Well, we had some
goodies tonight, didn't we.
- Certainly did, next
week, another goodie.
- Anyone I know?
- Your favorite all time.
- Tiny Tim!
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- Whoopee!
(upbeat trumpet fanfare)
(audience applauding)
- And now, here's this week's
most popular teenage request.
- Daddy, can I
have the car tonight?
(elaborate piano introduction)
You say potato and I say potahto
You say tomato, I say tomahto
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto
What are you buggin' me about?
They're all the same, dummy.
(whimsical organ music)
- For those of you who
can't brush after every meal.
- And now from Gluck's Hillside,
the music of Paul
Pendarvis and his orchestra
featuring Paul Ash.
- Forget about me,
Dick, I'm no good for ya.
(audience laughing)
(snake charming music)
(thudding)
(drum roll)
(thudding)
- [Crowd] Sock it to me.
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- [Crowd] Sock it
to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
(thudding)
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me!
Aw, sock it to General Sarnoff.
(whimsical organ music)
("Shave and a
Haircut, Six Bits")
- Later, that same day.
- Yes, that's right, my
husband is missing.
- What does he look like, ma'am?
- Well, what difference
does it make?
When he left, he wasn't
wearing any clothes.
- We'll need more to
go on than that, ma'am.
Does he has any
distinguishing characteristics?
- You're not gonna let the
kiddies watch after that one,
are you, get 'em in bed.
- I'm gonna show you to
fastest draw in the west.
- All right.
- You ready?
- Go ahead.
- Wanna see it again?
- Oh, that's fast.
- That's fast.
- Now, I thought that was funny.
But, I laugh at anything.
- Me, Comanche.
- Me, Navaho.
- Me, Sweet Sioux.
(audience laughing)
- If'n I plan to-a attend
the, uh, Democratic-a
nominating convention, if
only for the sake of the children.
(trumpet music pattern)
- Fi.
- Dumb!
- Hi, well, ladies
and gentlemen,
it's time to stop all
this fooling around.
Seriously, folks,
it's time to bring you
the Rowan and Martin
Report, when each week,
Laugh-In looks at the news,
past, peasant, and future.
(jaunty dance music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse you
We just love for oy,
to give you our views
La da, de da Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at
the news - [All] Ma!
- Hey, Dan, I'm just want
you to know I'm gonna kill ya!
(popping)
Waa haa haa.
- And now, here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky!
(jazz trumpet music)
- Wrong.
May the good fairy
bip in your purg.
(audience laughing)
Mays Landing, New
Jersey, Phyllis Diller today
claimed she lost her
bid for the presidency
of the National Nudists'
Society, due to lack of support.
(audience laughing)
New York City,
now it can be told,
following Nelson
Rockefeller's announcement
that he would run if drafted,
Richard Nixon called
General Hershey
to see if he could arrange it.
Washington, D. C.,
the American Air Force
announced this morning that
they had lost another H-bomb.
However, hopes are
high for an early recovery,
since it disappeared
in the Pentagon.
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away, Goldie!
(drum roll)
- Laugh-In news of the
past, present and future
continues now (giggles)
with the news of the future,
present and past,
so take it away,
Dan Rowan in the future.
Bye.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
1988, Washington, D. C., with
total employment in America
finally a reality, President
Shirley Temple today.
(audience laughing)
Disbanded the poverty program,
throwing four million
government workers on relief.
Think about it.
Also, from the
nation's capitol, 1988,
there was a shake up in
the administration today,
as former World Bank
president Robert McNamara
was sworn in as
Secretary of Defense,
and immediately pledged to
bring our boys home by Christmas.
1988, Washington, D. C.,
the Warren Commission today
handed down its
long-awaited second report,
clearing up 20 years
of doubts and rumors
in spite of the fire in
the National Archives,
and the mysterious
disappearance of Dallas, Texas.
The commission was able to
reach a definitive conclusion.
The report was entitled,
What Assassination?
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Dan.
And now, back to you, Dan.
- In keeping with our
policy of bringing you
interesting people in
interesting professions,
we have here tonight,
a lady who wrote
and said she qualified
in this department.
And we'll soon see if she does.
Good evening, ma'am,
and what is your profession?
- I'm a taco tucker.
- Oh, a taco tucker.
- Uh huh.
- Where are you a taco tucker?
- I'm a taco tucker at
Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern.
- You're a taco tucker at
Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern.
- Uh huh, before that,
I was a duck plucker.
- Before you were a taco tucker
at Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern,
you were a duck plucker.
- Uh huh.
- Where was that?
- Well, before I
was a taco tucker
at Teddy's Tasty Taco
Tavern, I was a duck plucker
at Plucky Dick's Duck Pluckery.
- In other words, you
were a duck plucker
at Plucky Dick's Duck
Pluckery before you were
a taco tucker at Teddy's
Tasty Taco Tavern.
- And before that, I
was chicken checker
at Charlie's Chicken Kitchen.
- Ah, I see, before you
were a duck plucker
at Plucky Dick's Duck Pluckery,
you were a taco tucker at
Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern
and a chicken checker at
Charlie's Chicken Kitchen.
- I also had to check
Charlie's chihuahua.
- Ha ha ha.
Let me sum this up.
You also checked
Charlie's chihuahua,
as well as Charlie's chickens
at Charlie's Chicken Kitchen
after you were a taco tucker
at Teddy's Tasty Taco Tavern
and a duck plucker at
Plucky Dick's Duck Pluckery.
Is there anything
you'd like to add to that?
- Uh huh, I'm very
glad you didn't try
to do this bit with Goldie.
- Oh!
- That's the most beautiful
thing I every heard.
- The Laugh-In news goes back
to a great moment
in the American past.
Benjamin Franklin, a man,
a kite, and history is made.
(thunder booming)
(audience twittering)
(thunder roaring)
(audience laughing)
- Okay, how about
an all-gas kitchen?
- Very interesting.
But he screwed it up.
- Mr. Millard Yakov here,
has gathered two of
every animal in the world.
And right now, he's
finishing a giant rocketship
which he calls Ark II.
Perhaps he knows
something we don't.
Well, love.
- Yes.
- So this is your rocketship.
- Uh huh, oh, don't say that.
The neighbors think
I'm buildin' a gazebo.
- Oh, sorry, have you had
much trouble with the neighbors?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, we've
had quite a bit of trouble.
As a matter of fact,
two of my anteaters
have eaten Mrs. Robinson's
rose garden six times.
She's about ready
to shout, I'll tell you.
- I'll bet, that's a shame.
- Yeah, you should
see what the pelicans
have done to our outdoor
statues (whistles), yeah.
- Really?
- Sir Lancelot's a
white knight, I'll tell ya.
- Ha ha ha, any other problems?
- Well, yeah, I found
that if you're gonna collect
two of everything,
don't put the elephants
where they can
watch the rabbits, boy.
- I'll remember that.
Tell me, why are
you doing all this?
- Well, with the world
being in the mess it is now,
you know, the word
came down that I'm to take
two of everything
and a few people,
and go up into space
into orbit, and then,
when everything's all
square, come back down.
- Oh, you mean, the word
came down from heaven?
- No, no, no, came down
from Washington, yeah.
See, as soon as the president
and his family gets here,
we're blastin' off.
(whistling)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- This station invites
you to join with us now
for a brief period
of silent meditation.
(snoring)
(whimsical band music)
- I forgot the question.
- (laughs) Dumb.
- I'm gonna vote for
Dean Martin for Congress.
- Why?
- 'Cause he's spent more
time on the floor of the house.
- Why is California
politics like a poker hand?
- I don't know, why?
- One more queen, and
they'll have a full house.
- Uh oh!
- Handsome man!
- Hello, up there.
- Will you still love me
when my hair turns gray?
- Why not, haven't
I stayed with you
through all the other colors?
- Oh ho, dumb!
- I was a terrible
drunk, but I reformed.
Now I'm a terrific drunk.
- Hey, did you ever
think, if Regis Toomey
stuck his finger in a socket,
he'd be Socket Toomey?
- If Shirley Jones
married Jack Jones,
she'd be Shirley Jones.
- That's dumb.
- Wanted, for old man,
practical nurse desirable.
Heh heh heh, impractical
nurse with Walnettos,
even more desirable.
- Crazy George is so dumb,
he thinks manual labor
is a Mexican obstetrician.
Really!
- Is that a chicken joke?
Cluck, cluck.
- If you cross a mink
with a boa constrictor,
you get a coat that eats goats.
- Goldie!
- Yeah!
- I hear Tarzan
and Jane split up.
- Oh, is that the truth?
- She got tired of his
monkeying around.
- Abracadabra, there's
a word to conjure with.
- Did you hear about the
boarding house that blew up?
- [Dan] No!
- Roomers are flying.
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by.
(upbeat soft rock music)
(soft jazzy music)
- And now, folks, it's
Sock It To Me Time.
- [Crowd] Sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(Judy yelling)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
- Oh, Judy, they
shouldn't do that to you.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me, sock it to me.
(whimsical organ music)
- Johnny Downs was
going to be here this evening
as our special
guest star, but we...
- Forget about me,
Dick, take up knitting.
I mean it.
- Well, you gotta
find her, that's all.
You just gotta find her.
- Well, what does
she look like, sir?
- Well, she's five-feet-two.
- Mm hm.
And she has eyes of blue, and...
- Let me see if I got that.
She's five-foot-two.
- Yeah.
- Eyes of blue.
- Yeah.
And oh what those
five feet can do
Has anybody seen my gal
Wish I had a ukelele.
- If you cross a
zebra with a cow,
you'd get striped milk.
- If Ladybird Johnson
married Tony Curtis,
her real name would
be Ladybird Swartz.
- If Ruby Keeler married
Frank Sinatra, she'd be.
Ruby-dooby-Doo
- If you cross a bull
with a porcupine,
you'd get a cross bull.
- If Oona O'Neill
married Jack Okie,
she'd be Oona Okie.
- If Martha Tilton.
Let me put it this way.
If Martha Tilton married.
If Martha Tilton.
If Martha Tilton
married Conrad Hilton,
she'd be Martha Tilton-Hilton.
- Me, Running Bear.
- Me, Hunting Bear.
- Me, Baby Bear.
- All right, you're
gonna get it.
- Yeah?
- You ready?
- I'm ready.
- All right, you know
the code of the west?
- Yeah.
- What's the code of the west?
- Dit dit, dit
dit, dit dit dit dit.
- Aw, that isn't...
- I ain't gonna be
here next week.
I found a wallet with
some credit cards in it.
- I'll drink to that.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight Laugh-In had hoped
to present the first in a
series of tributes to great men.
Our first subject was to
have been Dr. Elias Nobel,
inventor of the
tongue depresser.
In keeping with our producer's
obsession with brevity,
we were allowed
only two minutes.
Dr. Nobel, however,
lived to be 93.
Now, our problem is how
to present these 93 years
in a mere two minutes,
thereby satisfying CFG,
and also getting it on.
So we decided
to do it like this.
- This mustard plaster
will help your cough.
Just keep it on your chest.
- I'll try, doctor.
- Oh, doctor, I think
I have pneumonia.
- Good heavens,
you sit down here,
while I check your pulse
against the normal rate.
Going steady.
Now I'll check mine.
Going steady.
- What do you think?
- I think we've been
going steady long enough.
Come with me.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, just think, just
married, a home of our own.
And a stove.
And guess what we
are going to have?
- What?
- A baby.
- A baby, good heavens, you
must go and have an examination.
- Yes, I will.
- [Doctor] Well,
did you have one?
- Yes, I did, his name is Elias.
I think I will put
him in his room.
- Wait, I think I
heard him crying.
- Is he crying?
- No.
- Is he sleeping?
- No.
- What is he doing?
- He is shaving, I
think he's coming now.
- Father, mother.
I have just finished
medical school.
And I met the cutest
girl on the way home.
Dear!
Father, mother.
My wife.
Sit right here, dear, and
make yourself at home.
Plenty of hot water, quick.
(audience laughter)
(gasps)
Good heavens, Archduke
Ferdinand assassinated.
This means World War I.
I must go.
We must win.
We won!
I must perfect a suitable
tongue depressor.
It must be made of a
material that is workable
and very light wood, with
a surface that is very flat.
- How about a
flat piece of wood?
- That's it!
My dear, take this
and mail it at the corner.
(sighs)
Now, my work is done.
For years, I've slaved
to perfect this invention.
And now, at last,
I've got it off my chest.
- Good for you, doc.
Now how do I get this
mustard plaster off mine?
- We interrupt this program
to tell you tonight's program
is brought to you from the
luxurious smokehouse restaurant
here in beautiful,
downtown Burbank.
That may not mean
too much to you,
but it's a free
drink for the cast
immediately following
tonight's program.
- Dumb.
(whimsical organ music)
- And sign it very
cordially yours,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Now read that back,
please, Miss Jones.
- Well, I took
speed writing, sir.
- That's okay,
just read it back.
- Dear Sir.
(speaking gibberish)
(audience laughing)
- Gluck's Hillside is only
a short moment away,
if you really want to be there.
- Try to forget me, Dick.
I'll only hurt you.
I mean it.
(crackling)
(drum roll)
(booming)
- And now, folks, it's
Sock It To Me Time.
So, sock it to me.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- Sock it to her.
- You hit that kid again, and
somebody's gonna answer to me.
(whimsical organ music)
(whistling) (thud)
(whimsical organ music)
- My dear, you have
a hole in your stocking.
(squealing)
- I don't have any stockings on.
It must be my vaccination.
(laughing)
- Happiness is Elizabeth Taylor
mistaking you for
Richard Burton.
- I never get away with that.
- Happiness is checking
into a motel room,
only to find out it's already
occupied by Lainie Kazan.
- They're kidding.
- Happiness is
going to a love-in,
where the other person to
show up is Sophia Loren.
- I am surprised at NBC.
- Happiness is
doing at your age,
what Georgie Jessel
is trying to do at his age.
- What we have
here is a failure.
To communicate.
- Happiness is bumping
into Raquel Welch.
Very slowly.
(bouncy classical piano music)
(laughing)
- For my next letter, I'd
like to type, chopsticks!
(audience laughing)
- You'll find the baths at
Gluck's Hillside very beneficial.
You'll find that...
- What would you
say if I told you
I'm willing to do
anything to have children?
- Adopt.
(audience laughing)
- Mm, you know General Custer?
- You mean, the troublemaker?
- Oy, that's the one.
- Tonight, Mod Mod
World looks at advertising.
(upbeat jazz trumpet music)
- And so, tonight,
as what's-his-name partner
just said a moment ago,
we take a look at the Mod
Mod World of Advertising.
- Hey, that's one of
my favorite subjects.
- Yeah, I imagine you would
know something about that.
After all, this whole business
is based on advertising.
- I'll have you know
that my great-grandfather
started advertising
in this country.
- Pah-shaw!
- No, his name was Harvey.
- Harvey Pshaw, and he
started advertising in this country.
- Yeah, he walked the 13
Colonies, carrying a sign.
- No kidding.
- Sure.
- Sponsor's message?
- Yeah, it said,
"Warning, snuff sniffing
"may be hazardous
to your health."
He said that.
- He did that, too.
Because there were a lot of
snuff-sniffers in those days.
But advertising's
come a long way
since your grandpappy's day.
- That's all I see, is
newspapers, magazines.
- Yeah, radio, television.
You know, a person today
can get a message on television
and within a split second,
million and millions of viewers
will have seen that message.
In a split second, like that.
- You're kidding.
- Isn't that amazing?
- In a split second?
- Yeah.
- Hey, all you
wildies out there.
I'll be home in about an hour.
- Oh, come on, you're
not selling anything.
- You wanna bet?
- You know what the next big
step in advertising's gonna be?
- Outdoor billboards.
- No, as a matter of fact,
the days of the outdoor
billboards are numbered.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Why sure, Ladybird
Johnson says
she's gonna tear 'em all down.
- Where are the traffic
cops gonna hide?
- The next big step in outdoor
is not in outdoor advertising,
the next big step is subliminal.
(Dick burbles)
- Sub, subliminal advertising.
(Dick burbles)
- That's right.
This is where you get a message
that your conscious
mind isn't aware of.
It attacks your
unconscious mind.
- I used to go with
a lady like that.
- Lady like what?
- Unconscious.
- No, no, I'm talking about
getting a message across.
- Third or fourth martini, and
she was gone for the night.
- No message there.
- Wipe out city, whoo!
- No, but it is all part
of the Mod Mod
World of Advertising.
That's what's coming, boy.
What's your favorite commercial?
- Avon Calling!
- What's so special
about Avon calling?
- Well, I guess if you
get a lady to come over
and ring your chimes,
you got a foot in the door.
- So as soon as she
finds out that you're alone,
she's not gonna stick around.
- I'll subterfuge her.
- You'll subterfuge her,
how you gonna do that?
- Get this plan, now she comes
over and rings the doorbell.
Right?
- Yeah.
- And I answer the
door, and she says,
"Is the lady of the
house at home?"
And I say, "No, would you
like to come in and wait?"
- But you live alone!
- You bet your sweet bippy I do.
- Well, she's gonna find
that out, sooner or later.
- But it could take years!
(audience laughing)
- Well, while we're
waitin' for the Avon lady
to make up her mind, the
Mod Mod World's gonna
take a look at advertising.
(upbeat jazz organ music)
- One of the most important
advertising jobs at the moment
is in the hands of those
who must advertise
and sell democracy.
For example, the
United States government
is now authorized
to offer reparation
to Vietnamese civilians
who suffer losses.
The amounts specified are
42 dollars for destroyed house,
and eight dollars
for personal injury.
(bomb explosions booming)
- Yeah, try and keep
it down out there.
- Mr. Major?
- Yeah.
- Preeze, my house, she bust up
from everybody shook up,
look, see, even broke arm.
Wife hurt, honorable
grandfather now with ancestors.
Now, you pay, preeze.
- Uh huh, yeah, well, all right.
Well, we got a little
form here to fill out.
Where was your wife hurt?
- No like to say, but it's
worth more than eight dollars.
- Yeah, well, I'm on
authorized to pay eight.
- But I have better
offer already.
I say, you make nine,
and I throw in honorable
grandfather for good will.
- Not bad, not bad, well,
I will have to see him.
(bomb explosion booming
drowns out speaker)
Oh, oh, oh, I broke my
arm and my knee hurts.
- Oh, general, you lucky,
now you be rich man.
You one pudgy son of a gun, you.
(upbeat jazz organ music)
- Mr. Costairs, I
can't understand why
you're taking your
account to another agency.
What's wrong?
- What's wrong, I'll
tell you what's wrong.
You guys haven't had an
original idea in 20 years.
All you do is imitate
other ad agencies.
You're nothing but a
bunch of no-talent copycats.
That's what's wrong.
- Copycats, now what's
that supposed to mean?
(audience laughing)
La, la la la, Walnetto
Wanna buy a sexy postcard?
Wanna buy a sexy book?
Wanna buy a sexy movie?
Wanna buy a softer handbag?
(audience laughing)
(jazz trumpet music)
- Advertising has made
its impact felt in every area.
Today most channels
sign off with a sermonette.
However, as advertising begins
to creep into such programming,
we take you backstage at
a sermonette of the future.
(whistling)
- All right, now, try and
remember, reverend,
we're gonna pick you
up here on camera one.
When you come to,
"Thou shalt not kill,"
we cut to camera two
over here, for a close up,
and I think you can lay
that one in there pretty hard.
That's a strong one, right?
- I must admit,
I'm very nervous.
- Oh, don't worry
about a thing, reverend.
We got the Lord's Prayer
on cue cards there for you.
- Mr. Kemp, don't you think
the time of this program
should be changed?
Wednesday's such
a bad day for religion.
Don't you think it would
be better on Sunday?
- What, go up against
the Smothers Brothers?
- Smothers Brothers?
Is that a Franciscan order?
(upbeat jazz organ music)
When you're selling merchandise
Please remember to advertise
You'll be rich
before you're through
Just like Madison Avenue
You've all seen
Miss Scarlet 'Hara
Read about her great career
Once we couldn't get her tested
Couldn't get herself arrested
But with time and great expense
Advertised her measurements
She was voted
actress of the year
You see, it pays to advertise
Pays to advertise
Now, the bank books balance
Since she's shown
her hidden talents
Here's an honest
fact It don't pay to act
It pays to advertise
Once they made a cigarette
Longest one you've heard of yet
But when people
tried to smoke 'em
Naturally, they started chokin'
So with guts and cash and brain
They began a big campaign
Now this week, we
all may run to death
Because it pays to advertise
Pays to advertise Sure,
a smoke is stronger
Silly millimeters longer
No one seems to care
About the cancer scare
It pays to advertise
(audience applauding)
- And now we've come
to the segment of the show
we do every week,
tonight for the first time,
called Pot Porry.
- Goldie, that's poh-purri.
- Oh, poh-purri.
- What's it mean?
- A little bit of everything.
- Oh, that's pot-porry.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical organ music)
- How do I look?
- Great, how about me?
(audience laughing)
- Senator, I wonder
if we could have
just a couple of
minutes of your time?
- No, I'm sorry.
- Quick interview.
- I can't talk to you now, no.
- Senator, you are fighting
for reelection this year.
- Huh, oh yeah.
- And we'd like
to get your opinion
on a few of the few
vital issues of the day.
Integration?
- Integration, well,
yes, now sure.
I believe that people
are entitled to know
where their officials stand.
- All right, well, what
about open housing?
- Well, I'm in favor of
open housing, put it down.
In favor of it, now I say
if a man wants to move
into an all-white
neighborhood, I say let him do it.
- [Reporter] I see.
- Unless'n, of
course, it's a Negro.
You know, gotta draw a line
somewhere, now don't we.
Don't understand what all
the fuss is about anyway.
Now, you don't find your
average white person
movin' out of their suburbs
and pushin' their way
into a Negro
neighborhood, now do you.
- Well, for the
most part, Senator,
those neighborhoods
are ghettos and slums.
- Boy, don't use
words like that.
These people got to live in 'em.
We've got enough
trouble as it is.
- Senator, you have opposed
the last 10 Civil Rights bills.
- Well, there is such a
thing as movin' too fast.
Now, isn't there, I mean,
we got to draw a line
again somewhere, now, I
say, and you can put it down.
This is for the record, I am
against bigotry of any form.
- I see, well, Senator,
how do you explain the fact
that you're an acknowledged
member of an athletic club
that excludes Negros and Jews?
- Well now, I don't
let my political beliefs
interfere with my personal life.
I gotta slip.
- I got sick and tired of the
mundane life in the big city.
I wanted excitement and danger.
That's why I came here to live
on the side of this
very active volcano.
Every day is fraught
with tension and danger.
It is very exciting.
I can hardly wait.
(rumbling)
For the first eruption.
(bright piano music)
(audience laughing)
- Five, four, three, two, one.
Blast off.
(engines roaring)
Well, here we go.
First two men on
the way to the moon.
Boy, what a thrill.
Hey, too bad Thompson got
the measles, had to be replaced.
Huh, stroke of luck
for you, though, huh?
Gee, I almost forgot,
in the rush of gettin' off.
We never really had a
chance to meet, captain.
We're gonna be alone up
here for the next three months.
May as well get acquainted,
my name's Major Robert Martin.
- Just call me Snookie.
(audience laughing)
- Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the finals in the Olympic
100-meter backstroke.
The contestants will swim
the length of the pool twice,
up and back.
Introducing in lane one,
the champion from Italy.
The champion from
the United States.
The champion from Great Britain.
Finally, the champion
from Poland.
- Very interesting.
But once again,
they screwed it up.
- Time to say, good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Who's Dick?
- Bye, Dick.
Dick's gone, y'all.
- Good night, Lucy.
Good night, Jim Arness.
Wherever you are.
- Hate to shake you up,
but we got an announcement
about next week's show,
this has gotta snap you're...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- You know, I would normally
just be enchanted to hear it.
But, we're just a
little out of time.
Next week, we have a...
- She was caught in an
elevator for three weeks
with a garter belt salesman
from Butte, Montana.
- Oh, next week, we have...
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out
of the elevator would
be of interest to the folks.
- I don't really
think it would be,
but if you think it would
be, go ahead and tell us
what the garter belt salesman
did to your, I don't know.
- (snorts) Well, by golly,
when they finally
came out of the elevator,
he was all, and she
was, I better not tell it.
- No, no, of course,
not, say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(upbeat soft rock music)
- What did the mystic say as
walked across the hot coals?
(shouting)
- I'll teach you
to fool with me!
- Who needs lessons?
- What you have, madam, is
a short circuit in the ignition.
- Well, don't just
stand there, lengthen it!
- My uncle sailed around Italy.
- Did he touch Florence?
- Oh, no, her husband was home.
- Mr. Conway.
- Yes.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Here come de judge,
here come de judge!
- My mother made me a paranoid.
- If I send her the wool,
would she make me one, too?
- Why does the flamingo
stand on one leg?
- Well, um, (giggles).
If he lifted the other
one, he'd fall down.
- My favorite politicians are
Dewey, Nixon, and Truman.
But then again, I'd vote
for any Tom, Dick, or Harry.
- It may not show,
but I've suffered.
- It shows!
- Hey, mac, what time is it?
- How did you know
my name was Mac?
- Just guessed.
- Well, guess what time it is.
- Oh, look!
- What, Rose, what?
- Is that a ladybug?
- I don't know, turn it over.
- What kind of wine do you serve
when you're dining on elephant?
- Oh, any good
gray wine will do.
- Goldie, what are
your measurements?
- I'm perfect, 22, 22, 22.
- Hey, that's perfect.
- If Jan Sterling
married Phil Silvers,
divorced him, and
married Robert Service,
she'd be Jan
Sterling Silver Service.
(audience laughing)
- As Ivan the Terrible said,
when he caught tsarina
with Rasputin, that's a no-no.
(whimsical organ music)
- Psst!
- Shh!
We've got to stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- How many times do I
have to tell you, I am Harold.
- This show was
prerecorded earlier,
because beautiful, downtown
Burbank closes at seven o'clock.
- All right, this is it.
- I'm ready.
- Back to back.
- Back to back.
- Take three paces.
- Three paces.
- Turn and fire.
- Turn and fire.
- [Both] One, two.
- Very interesting.
It reminds me of my old outfit.
(person applauding) (NBC chimes)