Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 12 - Episode #1.12 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Mrs. Louise Crellman.

And that just about wraps it
up for our topless fashion show

tonight and I think
you'll all agree with me,

Sophia Loren did a
wonderful job as host.

- Listen they
can't all be zircon.

(audience laughing)

- My name is Dean Martin
and I drank my secret.

(audience laughing)

- As far as I'm concerned,



Ho Chi Minh is
a pain in the east.

(audience laughing)

- Nobody raid,
'cause this is a move.

- Hey was that Pat Boone.

- And now from high atop the
second floor of a skyscraper

here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,

NBC proudly presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

With guest stars Kaye Ballard,
John Byner, and Judy Carne,

Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,

Larry Hovis, Roddy
Maude-Roxby, Jo Anne Worley,

and introducing
the Curtain Calls.

Yours truly Gary Owens and
Morgol as the friendly Drelb.

- Me, I'm Ed McMahon.



- Tonight's program
is brought to you by

all the big spenders
down at From In.

(upbeat music)

- And now let's welcome
our two new contestants.

The piano mover from
Seattle, Dan Rowan,

and our fruit clerk from
Buffalo, Dick Martin.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

- Well hey look at this.

- Wee.

- One of our best
audiences we've had yet.

- It certainly was.

- Oh ho, I've never
seen so many smiling.

When did you ever see
so many smiling faces?

- Well let's see there
was the night Liz Taylor

had the accident
in the bowling alley.

- What accident?

- What accident?

She made a strike
you wouldn't believe.

(laughing)

- I don't think we
wanna hear about it.

- Ball never left her hand.

(laughing)

- What happened?

- Well her thumb got in it.

You should've seen
her, right down the alley.

Boy, woo hoo.

- I don't believe
a word of this.

- Pin boy hasn't
been the same since.

I was three days
picking splinters.

- You expect me to
believe any of this?

- Two days?

How about one splinter and
Richard Burton and I shared it.

- Nope.

- You're not gonna
believe a word I say huh?

- Nope.

- Have it your way.

- Okay now we can get
on with tonight's show.

We have.

- I'll say one thing about
her, she never flinched.

(laughing)

- Hey Kaye Ballard's back.

- Got any splinters in her back?

- No she hasn't got
any splinters in her back.

She's back here on the show.

- Well Liz Taylor didn't have
any splinters in her back.

- Are you through
with Liz Taylor?

- I'll never be through
with Liz Taylor.

Harumph.

- I don't think it's
very nice of you.

Harumph?

- I just thought I'd
throw an ad lib in.

- Oh.

(laughing)

Well since you can't read
any of the cards, why not?

(audience laughing)

- Why do they keep giving
us Dean Martin's card holder?

- I don't know why you
keep talking about Liz Taylor

I've just told you that
Kaye Ballard's here.

- Why didn't you say so?

- Well I did say so.

- Maybe that's where I heard it.

- That must've been it,
there's just the two of us here.

- Right.

- Hey John Byner's here tonight.

- Great I love him.

- I think he does the best
George Jessel I ever heard.

- Oh I guess so.

How does it go?

- We call it here
comes the judge.

- Why don't we take
him to the party with us?

- Hey let's take
everybody to the party.

You're invited too, come on.

- Alright come on.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- Ah I see you have recently
met a raven haired beauty

and you're thinking of
seeing her later tonight.

- I'm not thinking of
seeing anyone later tonight.

- Okay how about
later tomorrow night.

(audience laughing)

- I say if the poor people
got themselves some decent

clothes, some more money,
and started to eat regular,

they'd be a lot better off.

(audience laughing)

- Boris and I almost broke
up over his political beliefs.

He's a card
carrying cheap skate.

(audience laughing)

- It is said that fish
is food for the brain

and meat is food for the body.

But where though goest the bird.

- I could've married
anyone I pleased.

So far I haven't pleased anyone.

(audience laughing)

- Many young people
are returning to the fold.

Just this Sunday in
the collection I got $78

and three buttons
saying keep off the grass.

- My boyfriend was so
rich he used to break into

liquor stores and leave money.

(audience laughing)

- I believe in doing unto others

as I would have them
do unto me so let's do it.

- My boyfriend is so
considerate yesterday I went

and stubbed my toe and
he insisted on giving me

mouth to mouth resuscitation.

(audience laughing)

- Boris said he wanted
to take me to the Urals.

I told him I was quite
capable of going by myself.

(audience laughing)

- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden

and the wondrous way in
which she removed the wallpaper

in the Shah's dining room.

(audience laughing)

- My life is just
like a tug of war

one big jerk after another.

(audience laughing)

- I think the difference
between the Democrats

and the Republicans
is negligible,

I'm going after
the negligible vote.

(audience laughing)

- I understand Americans are
becoming more and more British.

- What do you mean?

- Well I've heard
there's been a use

of a great deal of
tea on the campuses.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, you are about to
suffer a great personal loss.

You will lose your husband.

- My husband
died five years ago.

- Then you will
lose your umbrella.

(audience laughing)

- I've always know that
someday I'd find Mrs. Right.

Now if we can just keep
it a secret from Mr. Right.

- I'm tired of all this talk

of a dynasty in
American politics.

As I said only this morning
to my brother Prince Teddy.

(audience laughing)

- My IQ has never
been questioned.

Come to think about it,
it's never been mentioned.

(audience laughing)

- Well does your government
insist that servicemen

replace lost equipment?

- Yes, which may
explain why so many

captains go down
with their ships.

(audience laughing)

- I predict your efforts will
reach their peak in 1972.

- Oh what do you
see there for me?

- Triplets.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

(knocking on door)

- Hello.

(quaking)

- And now folks.

It's sock it to me time.

- Very interesting,
but very sad.

- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

(loud banging)

(upbeat music)

- One egg.

La dee dee La da da
da do (glass breaking)

(audience laughing)

(gagging)

- H I'm Katie Winter's
and I'm my own secret.

(audience laughing)

- Hey be that as it may
friends, time now for

stars of tomorrow today
on our new Talent Time.

(trumpet music)

- Boy there's one thing
you can say for that band.

- [Dan] Yeah what's that.

- Well you could
never say it on the air.

(audience laughing)

- Hey don't be
discouraged because

I have a goodie for you tonight.

- Yeah what does she do?

- Well she's a taco tucker
from Pepe's Restaurant

here in beautiful
downtown Burbank.

- You're putting me on.

- [Dan] No, no, no.

- She gonna tuck a taco for us?

- No not on the air.

No she's not gonna tuck a
taco, that's just her hobby.

- Oh that's her hobby.

- Oh yeah.

Professionally she is the
Queen of the Roller Derby

here at the beautiful downtown
Burbank Roller Derby Palace.

- Oh, my golly.

- Yep, ladies and
gentlemen here in her

singing and dancing
debut, Miss Tuffy VanAdam.

One bright and guiding light

That taught me wrong from right

I found in my mother's (tapping)

Those baby tales she told

That road all paved with gold

I found in my mother's (tapping)

God's gift sent from above

A real unselfish love
(loud siren blaring)

I found in my mother's eyes

(audience applauding)

- I guess it's back to
tucking tacos for her.

- Yeah well perhaps it is.

- Due to circumstances
beyond our control,

we will continue
with tonight's show.

(audience laughing)

- For the first time right
here on our stage folks,

The Pansies.

- Hey you brought back Tiny Tim?

- No, no, real pansies.

- Well Tiny Tim was no viking.

- Here they are
ladies and gentlemen.

- Be that as it may.

- The Pansies.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

Sock it to me sunshine

Sock it to me hard and fast

Sock it to me sunshine

Give me all you
got but make it last

Take a trail Let her rip

Full of zip kind of day

Sock it to me sunshine

Wash my troubles away
Wash my troubles away

Sock it to me sunshine

Hit me with your golden streams

Sock it to me sunshine

Get all over me and
don't miss a thing

Have a sip Turn a flip

Chocolate chip kind of day

Sock it to me sunshine

Wash my troubles away

Sock it to me sunshine

Show me what it's all about

Sock it to me sunshine

Whip it to me
let it all hang out

Shake a hip Smack your lip

Throw love zip kind of day

Sock it to me sunshine

Wash my troubles away
(audience applauding)

- Well that about wraps
it up for new talent.

- Well listen, if you enjoyed
any of these youngsters

that we brought to you tonight.

- You better see
your psychiatrist.

(audience laughing)

- What he really means is, if
you want to see any of these

very talented youngsters
again, write to us, Dick and Dan.

- Care of your psychiatrist.

- That's right.

(upbeat music)

- Now here's today's weather.

Don't know why there's
no sun up in the sky.

Stormy weather
(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

- Can't you do anything right?

(piano music)

A man, a woman, and a duck

- A man, a woman, and a duck?

- A man, a woman, and Walnettos.

(audience laughing)

(knocking on door)

- Hello.

(audience laughing)

(tiger roaring)

Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me

- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.

- Sock it unto
others as you would

have them sock it unto you.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

(loud sneezing)

(glass crashing)

- And now here is
the Laugh-In report

of the past,
present, and future.

(upbeat music)

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope we'll amuse you

We just love To
give you our views

Ba ba be dup

Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news

Here's Dan

- And now here's the man
with the news of the present.

The man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news

without the news.

Here's Dicky.

(audience applauding)

- May the good fairy sprinkle
stardust on your bippy.

Former Vice President Richard
M. Nixon announced today

he will go anywhere at
anytime to meet with anyone

if it will help bring about
peace between him

and his makeup man
from the 1960 debates.

Today an emerging African
nation acquired it's first

nuclear powered aircraft carrier

which they are now hammering
into millions of spearheads.

(audience laughing)

George Jessel's marriage to a
teenager was cancelled today

when he learned the
bride to be was his

former granddaughter
by a previous mother.

(audience laughing)

A leading toy
manufacturer of dolls today

put on sale a pill suggested
for children who plan

to buy a Ken doll
for their Barbie.

(audience laughing)

And now take it away Goldie.

- Now Laugh-In news of the
future as oh no, I did it again.

- [Dick] Go ahead.

- And now Laugh-In looks at
the news of the future as we

present the news of the
past, present, and future.

So here in the future is Don.

- Oh no that's Dan, Goldie.

- That's Dan Goldie.

(audience laughing)

- Detroit 1988, 20 years from
now, General Motors executives

met today at the
bargaining table to discuss

union leader Walter Ruther's
demands for a one day work week

while across town Ruther
representing the Union Welfare Fund

purchased General Motors.

(audience laughing)

Washington DC 1988,
20 years from now,

the national birth control
law, which has been in effect

for the last 15 years, was
finally repealed today and it is

expected soon many husbands
will return to their wives.

(audience laughing)

Also from Washington DC
1988, 20 years from now,

the President addressed a
joint session of congress today

and spelled out the terms of
the recently negotiated peace.

The speech received mixed
reactions from the nations

governors while Governor
Goldwater of Arizona termed today

surrender to the far left.

It was heartily endorsed
by Governor Ho Chi Minh

of California,
Hawaii, and Canada.

- Hi, Nancy Vickerson,
NBC News Washington.

It's a quiet night here just
outside the White House.

President Johnson has
retired after his speech tonight

in which he stated firmly that
he had struck an agreement

with the red Chinese government
in which the communist

leaders have pledged
not to interfere in any way

with the internal workings
of the United States.

That's it from Nancy Vickerson
here outside the White House.

- Tonight we take you to
the campaign headquarters

of Mrs. Mary Knight
who is at this moment

awaiting the results
of today's primary.

- Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I would like to thank you
all for being here tonight.

The polls will be closing in
20 minutes and at this time

I feel confident
enough to concede.

With 20,000 ballots already
counted, I have concluded

my seven votes is not
enough to get us over the top.

But I have learned the rules
of the game and I will be back.

- [Crowd] No, no, no.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Time now for
tonight's sermonette.

We present that eminant
philosopher, Hugh Hefner.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

- Education is important
by Henry Gibson.

The book is friend to us all.

Without all our words,
we could not write.

In addition, there
is the reading.

But most of all
spelling and counting.

Aren't teachers people too.

(audience laughing)

(orchestral music)

When I fall in love

It will be forever

Or I'll never fall

(audience laughing)

In love

What a restless world

Love is over before it begun

(knocking on door)

(thudding)

- Hello.

Hello!

- If Lucille Ball were
married to Larry Park

she'd be Lucille Ball Parks.

- If Jack Lemmon
married Oliver Twist

he'd be Jack Lemmon Twist.

- You realize that if Old
Mother Hubbard married

Tommy Smothers she'd
be Old Mother Smothers.

- If Ho Chi Minh had married
Molly Bee he'd be Ho Chi Bee.

- You realize that if Yule
Brenner married Peter O'Toole

he'd be Yule O'Toole.

- If Totie Fields
married Truman Capote,

she'd be Totie Capote.

(audience laughing)

- If Dame May Whitty
had married Frank Nitti,

she'd Dame May Whitty Nitti.

- If Yuel S. Truman had
married Earl Rudolph Hest

she would have
been very interesting.

(audience laughing)

- The second half of the
Rowan and Laughs Martin In

is brought to you by.

(upbeat music)

You've gone and left
me For somebody new

I said I'd never kiss
anyone after you

Years have gone by

And now at the
stroke of midnight

When all the world is
fast asleep I broke the vow

I promised to keep

I just kissed my nose goodnight

As I started to
turn out the light

I looked into the mirror
that was hung on the shelf

All at once I found I
was in love with myself

I just kissed my nose goodnight

Now my future looks
sunny and bright

Castles may crumble
they're just made of clay

But it is clear my nose
is here and it's gonna stay

I just kissed my nose goodnight

Kiss your nose goodnight

Autumn in my nose why
does it look so inviting

Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen

Nose of Washington Square

- I trust you nose I trust you.

What is it you want?

Anything in this world
it's yours, name it, name it.

Irish linen.

Italian lace.

I'm treating my nose just right

Once more we're
going out Saturday night

I just bought a nose ring
you know what that means

Everything looks
rosie for nosie and me

I just kissed my nose goodnight

- Everybody sock it to me

Kiss your nose goodnight

(audience applauding)

- And now folks it's
sock it to me time.

Oh blimey they're only
marshmallows, thanks fellas.

Oh sweet really,
sweet, I'm really amused.

- Very interesting,
but anti-climatic.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

- Here's another one
you won't like folks.

(audience laughing)

- Hey you better stop
drinking I'm not on this show.

I'm home watching.

- Don't ask, really.

For many years Harry
and I were incompatible.

- No.

- True.

He got all his ideas
about life and marriage

from reading Playboy Magazine

and I got all mine from
Ladies Home Journal.

So we finally went
to a psychiatrist.

- Well did he solve
your problem?

- Oh my yes.

Now every Saturday afternoon
we meet in a motel in Tijuana.

- Tonight Laugh-In looks at you.

(trumpet music)

You the 450 citizens of

(trumpet music)

beautiful downtown Burbank.

Recently the town fathers
commissioned world famous sculptor

Paul Pisaco to create a
piece of statuary to represent

you and your city.

It is called The Lovers.

It was designed at
a cost of $150,000.

We go now to beautiful
downtown Burbank

to see and hear your reactions.

(serene music)

- Who thought of
spending $150,000

on this piece of
junk to start with?

- I did.

- It's lovely.

(audience laughing)

- Oh.

It's called The Lovers.

- But there's three of them.

Come away Mildred, come away.

(audience laughing)

- Margaret please come home.

If only for the children's sake.

- Why I came
3,000 miles for this.

I don't get it.

- We should've stayed home.

(audience laughing)

- I could live with that.

- Looks like half a horse,
half a pig, and half a man.

How can you live with that?

- If I can live with
you, I can live with that.

(audience laughing)

- I don't see what
all the fuss is about.

- Well Madam, they
are making love.

- Yes but of course.

But badly.

(audience laughing)

(light hammering)

- If this is gonna be on the
Smothers Brothers show

we're gonna have to
make a few changes.

- Unfortunately we will
not be able to bring you

Arthur Tracey the street singer

because he was
run over by a cab.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

(train whistle blowing)

I'll go my way by myself

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- One egg.

(knocking)

(audience laughing)

- Good evening.

So as not to alarm
the general public,

we carry our truncheons
out of sight, hidden in

a trouser leg so the general
public never notice them.

Unless of course there's a
riot and our police get excited,

then you may notice them.

(knocking on door)

- Hello.

Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me

- And now folks.

(loud explosion)

It's sock it to me time.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(bowling pins clacking)

- Hey I bet you didn't
know that tonight the subject

of mod mod world
is law and justice.

Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge

Order in the courtroom
Here comes the judge

We love the law, remember it

We love the law, remember it

Order in the courtroom
We love the law

If mommy knew, justice is grand

We needed a gavel
in hand we beat it out

Order in the courtroom
We love the law

When I give friends
what's called to the bar

An appetite fresh and hardy

But I have only
one thought in mind

To find the guilty party

We love the law, we sing for it

You break the law,
you'll swing for it

Order in the courtroom
We love the law

Grab your habeas corpus

Order in the courtroom
We love the law

Here comes the
judge, he loves the law

(upbeat music)

- Well as someone
said just a minute ago,

tonight we look at the
mod mod world of law.

- Hey you just jumped
into my bag now.

- Oh really?

You interested in the law?

- I almost went to law school.

- What kept you from
going to law school?

- High school.

- That'll keep you from it.

Although there are a lot of
very famous lawyers you know

who never went to college.

- Bill Bowling.

- Oh really never
went to college?

- Nope, never went.

- Became a lawyer?

- Nope never became
a lawyer either.

(audience laughing)

- You think you
know about the law?

- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,

here comes the judge.

- Now hold it I really don't
think doing a burlesque bit

qualifies you to be
an expert in the law.

- Oh yeah well try me.

- Alright, first of all of
course I'm sure that you know

that in this country a
man is judged by his peers.

- You're kidding.

- No, no, no would I kid you?

- I guess not.

- I refer to the
country's judicial system.

- Yeah?

- Yes, you see
the law is designed

to protect the rights
of the individual.

- I didn't know that.

- Yeah now suppose
that you're served

with a Writ of Habeas
Corpus, what do you do?

- Ask for a little mayonnaise.

- Ah come on now,
this is a serious subject,

we're talking about the law,

everybody should know
a little bit about the law.

- Ah I happen to
be a legal eagle.

- You are a real legal eagle?

- You bet your life.

- Alright.

Suppose you have a party
some night at your house.

- Mm hmm.

- Now a fellas coming to
your house for the party,

falls down on the steps
outside your house.

He brings action.

What do you do?

- It would seem to me
he'd have enough action

just falling down the steps.

He wants a little more
than that does he?

- You're a real legal eagle?

- You bet your life.

- Alright you're home, it's
three o'clock in the morning.

All alone, okay?

- I'm not too thrilled
with that idea.

(audience laughing)

- Alright well come
on now I'm drawing

a picture for you in your mind.

I want you to get his picture.

You're home all
alone late at night

and all of a sudden the door
bursts open and in rushes

a tall statuesque dark
haired lady, blue eyes.

Beautiful.

- Yeah?

- [Dan] Rips off all of her
clothes and immediately

starts shouting help, help.

What do you do?

- Well could you tell
me the story again.

(audience laughing)

- No you're home
alone this girl rushes in.

- Once more may do it.

- She comes in, she
tears off her clothes

and starts yelling help.

Now what are you gonna do?

- Immediately my legal
mind starts in action.

- It really just gets
right down to action.

- My legal mind snaps to
attention, rolls up its sleeves.

- Yeah well she's
still yelling for help.

- Right, I open the window.

- Well now all the
neighbors are awake.

- Yeah and I yell, hey I think

there's a naked lady in my room.

- Yeah but come on, now
what would you really do?

You're being victimized.

- Well I certainly hope so.

- What are you gonna do?

Well you can't say that.

- I could if we were on the
Smothers Brothers show.

- Hey listen do you know where
most Americans meet the law?

- Perry Mason reruns.

- No they meet 'em on
our nations highways.

Every highway has either

the police or the
sheriff's department.

They're there to
protect our safety.

- How come they're always
hiding behind billboards then?

(audience laughing)

- What would you do if a
policeman stopped you?

- I'd be kind, courteous, and
help 'em across the street.

(audience laughing)

- He has followed you.

He's pulled you over to the
side of the road, turned on his

siren, you know you're pulled
over to the side of the road,

and he comes over and now
what are you going to say to him?

- Well nothing, by that time
I'd a stepped on the starter

and been off five miles already.

- Wrong.

- Wrong.

- Wrong.

- Wrong.

- Yep because first thing
he's gonna do is radio ahead,

they're gonna set
up a police barricade

and you're in a lot of trouble.

Alright now come on,
you're pulled over to the side

of the road, the
policeman comes out,

he's signaling pull
over to the side.

- Right.

- And he says, alright
buddy where's the fire?

Now then what do you say to him?

- Uh well let's see I say, I'll
have a hamburger and a malt.

(audience laughing)

- You know you're right.

When we get of the
freeway let's take a look at the

mod mod world while the mod
mod world takes a look at law.

Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge

Order in the courtroom
Here comes the judge

- Here come da judge.

- Gentlemen, have
you reached a verdict?

- Well your honor we'd
rather not get involved.

(audience laughing)

(drum roll)

(upbeat music)

Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge

Order in the courtroom
Here comes the judge

- Here comes the judge.

- Gentlemen have
you reached a verdict?

- Uh well no sir
Your Honor you see

I'm afraid it's a hung jury.

(audience laughing)

(drum roll)

(upbeat music)

Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge

Order in the courtroom

Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge

- Here comes the judge.

- And then there are the
legal drinking age laws

which are sometimes a
little difficult to enforce.

- Are you sure you're
old enough to drink?

- Of course I am, I've
been drinking for years.

- Okay, okay what'll ya have?

- Scotch and wa wa.

(audience laughing)

- And now Miss Haversham
would you tell the jury

in your own words
exactly what took place?

- Well this man approached me

and made a horrible suggestion.

- Mm hmm and tell us please
what was this suggestion.

- Oh I couldn't, I
couldn't repeat it.

- Please Miss Haversham
in the interest of justice,

we must repeat it.

- No I couldn't say it.

- These people
have a right to know.

- Look perhaps the witness
would prefer to write it down.

- Well that's a good
suggestion Judge.

- If you insist.

- Mm hmm.

(light snoring)

- Disgraceful.

(gasping)

- Oh disgusting.

- You gotta be kidding.

(audience laughing)

(drum roll)

Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge

Order in the courtroom
I am the judge

- The plane was hijacked.

We were simply going
from Chicago to Miami

and some nut took over the
plane and flew us all to Cuba.

- But you left the
country and upon reentry

you have to go through customs.

The law is the law.

Now can I see your
passports please?

- Pass, we don't
have any passports.

- I know that but I have to
ask you, the law is the law.

(audience laughing)

No passports, you're gonna
have to register as aliens.

- We are not aliens.

You don't understand,

we've lived our
entire lives in Chicago.

- Chicago.

- Yeah but you have to
do that, the law's the law.

Now I'm gonna have to
search all your luggage

and then I'm gonna have
to search both of you.

- Now wait a minute,
now that's going too far!

You're not gonna touch my wife!

- Shut up Perry,
the law is the law.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Good grief, I've stumbled
on the home of Tarzan.

- You first man I ever see.

- This is fantastic.

Tell me how have
you managed to um.

- Survive.

- Survive all these years.

- The law of the jungle.

- Ah, you mean the um.

- Survival.

- Survival of the fittest.

- Yes.

The strong protect its mate.

- Fantastic.

But you don't look very um.

- Strong.

- Strong, Tarzan, no.

- Oh that because me
not Tarzan, me Jane.

- Fantastic.

- Here Tarzan.

(singing)

(drum roll)

(upbeat music)

Here is the truth
the whole darn truth

And nothing but the truth

It's lucky to be a woman
whenever a crime occurs

No matter the guilt,
if she's well built

The punishment's seldom hers

It may be her shapely ankle

It may be the way she cried

But honey the law is on her side

We'll give you a small example

Let's look at that big divorce

The couple were
friends but there it ends

The settlement choked a horse

Her hubby of course appealed it

It naturally was denied

'Cause sweetie the
law was on her side

You get a big lug to hug you

You're starting to dig the ape

But let him begin to bug you

It's statutory, whatchamacallit

Whatchamacallit Oh

If he ever breached a promise

We get him for non-support

Just let him not
pay for one short day

We drag him through
small claims court

There's only one little no no

Be careful of homicide

And darling the
law is on our side

(giggling)

If you are caught
for robbing your bank

Smile at the friendly judge

If you are booked
in downtown Burbank

Bring all the jury fudge

You'll beat a traffic
violation giving a cop the eye

They'll never take
you to the station

If you're prim and shy

If you're called to take
the stand, just wear a smile

Flirt a bit Keep
that hemline high

It started with Cleopatra

Or maybe with little Eve

So what if we're
wrong, they string along

We're easier to believe

The sympathy went to Bonnie

They couldn't
care less for Clyde

'Cause honey the law is on
our, sweetie the law is on our

Darling the law is on our

Here is the truth
the whole darn truth

And nothing but the truth

(audience applauding)

- And now it's time
for Laugh-In news extra

when we can do all the
funny things we wanna do.

It's called potpourri.

(piano music)

A way out west, they have a name

For rain and wind and fire

The rain is Tess, the fire's Joe

And they call the wind, wind

(audience laughing)

- Comrades I say to you,
look at the rich and their fancy

automobiles, sitting in
their swank restaurants,

eating caviar and
crepe Suzette's.

- [Man] But I don't like
caviar and crepe Suzette's.

- There they sit, the
bloated bureaucrats,

guzzling their caviar
and crepe Suzette.

Why can't we have
caviar and crepe Suzettes?

- I don't like caviar
and crepe Suzette.

- On behalf of the working
classes of the country,

I demand caviar and
crepe Suzettes for all.

- I don't like caviar
and crepe Suzettes.

- Who's talking to you?

(audience laughing)

- One time I, I crossed
a camel with a hen.

Do you know what I got?

Humtag.

Day-O.

(audience laughing)

- There's another chicken joke.

- Oh that was a lulu.

Oh golly I hope we get
another one like that.

- Oh I say is this your
first visit to Hawaii?

- Why yes it is.

- Oh well then you
must follow the tradition.

- What tradition?

- Well at the time of departure

everyone throws
their leis overboard.

- Hmm?

- Well if you don't do that,

they say that you'll
have bad luck.

Now go on, throw your
lei overboard, go on now.

(audience laughing)

- Well if you say so.

- Good luck, good luck.

- Thank you.

- Now I thought that was clean.

'Course I'm square.

- Oh you must be kidding.

- I got an idea, let's get
the Vietnam War to sign with

William Morris, that'll
keep it off the front pages.

- I tell you comrades,
comes the revolution,

I'll share everything with you.

I'll share my house with you.

I'll share my food with you.

I'll share my car with you.

- How about five dollars?

- That I will not
share with you.

- Why not?

- Because I've got five dollars.

- In his unending quest for
adventure, man has almost

exhausted all the avenues
open to him on this Earth.

However there are still a
few unconquered heights

for those with a
true pioneer spirit.

- I think I see the top
over that crag man.

We made it, think of it.

I'll be the first man to

step foot on top of
Mount Kadamundo.

- Hey wait a minute.

I thought of this expedition
and I'm gonna be first.

- Oh yeah?

I paid for the whole thing,

I'll be the first
man to the top.

- What's that got to do with it?

I organized it, I wanna
be the first man up there.

(loud thudding)

- If you guys don't mind,

some of us up here are
trying to get some sleep.

(piano music)

The way you wear your cat

(audience laughing)

- How I got it socked
to me, by Henry Gibson.

Pretty much in the usual way.

(splashing)

- Yippee.

- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Night Dick, kiss your nose.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Who's Dick?

- We would like you
particularly to pay attention

to next week's show because we.

- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something

my aunt once said to me?

- Oh golly would I
like to hear it ordinarily,

but tonight we're
a little short of time.

You know we just
took so much time

with the rest of your nonsense.

- Right.

- Next week we have a show.

- She was in Spokane Washington
and was caught in a used car

with a picture of Lyle
Talbot and six cobras.

(audience laughing)

- Who was caught?

- My aunt.

- [Dan] Oh gee.

Next week we do.

- I though what she said
when she came out of

the rumble seat might
of interest to the folks.

- Came out of the rumble seat?

- Yeah it was, it was
about five or six yeas ago.

- Well, yeah what did she say?

- Well she came out of
the rumble seat, you know,

and she hit her head
on the cobra basket.

- Yeah, yeah, what did she say?

- Well I better not tell you.

Oh, phew.

- Probably not,
say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight everybody,
hope you had a nice time.

(upbeat music)

- In the words Mayor Say
Tung, who ordered won ton to go?

- Would you like
to sit on my lap?

- What about my husband?

- Well he can stand.

(audience laughing)

- Hey why do they
call it Burbank?

- Have you ever seen it?

- Yeah.

- What else are
they gonna call it?

- An alligator bit off my toe.

- Which one?

- I dunno, all alligators
look alike to me.

- Who rides through the
NBC Studios on a white pig?

- Lawrence of Burbank.

- You know what happens
if you cross the street

with a little old lady?

- You put a Boy
Scout out of work.

(audience laughing)

- Do you know what you
get if you cross a billy goat

with a locomotive?

- You get a crushed goat.

- If the Righteous Brothers
married the King Sisters,

sooner or later they'd be
the Mamas and the Papas.

(audience laughing)

- What's green, has 20
legs, and fuzz on its tongue.

- 10 drunks.

- Good.

- My father was an
old Indian fighter.

- What was your mother?

- An old Indian.

- I once wrote for the
Saturday Evening Post.

- Really, what happened?

- Well they sent it to me.

- Okay, okay, now what
would happen if you put

all the squash in the
world on top of each other?

- You'd get squished, squash.

- That's right, yes.

- If Bella Darvi
married Harry Belafonte

she'd be Bella Belafonte.

(audience laughing)

- How many I's are
there in Mississippi?

- Oh just count the
people and multiply by two.

- You know my husband is
all thumbs around the house.

- Oh that's funny, he's
all hands at the office.

(upbeat music)

(loud thudding)

- Cough.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

- One egg.

(knocking)

(gasping)

(knocking on door)

(audience laughing)

- Tonight's program
was recorded earlier

to give the band
time to drink dinner.

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.