Rosemary & Thyme (2003–2006): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Gooseberry Bush - full transcript

While creating a memorial garden for a woman's soon-to-be-husband's mother, Laura and Rosemary discover an abandoned baby boy. Believing he is the illegitimate son of one of the women in the family, the gardeners come across many surprises, including a dead man.

Вost thou,
in the name of this child,

renounce the devil and all his
works, the vain pomp and glory

of the world, with all covetous
desires of the same,

and the carnal desires of the
flesh, so that thou wilt not

follow, nor be led by them?

I renounce them all.

Wilt thou be baptised
in this faith?

That is my desire.

Nice people,
your nephew's family.

Oh, yes.

Liberal with the
champagne, too.



Yes.

You've gone all broody
on me, haven't you?

Broody?

Yes.

Seeing all those happy families
together, all those

smiling children with
shiny faces.

Not at all.

You have to admit, it's a
bit of a waste, though.

What is?

I would've made a
wonderful mother.

Blimey.

Oh, was that Bishop's candle
we just passed through?

I think so.

Yes, the Braxton house
is just near by here.



Yep, we could go there before
we check in to the hotel.

Then we can introduce ourselves,
have a look at the

site, and be ready to start
work first thing.

Oh, it's not 'til next week.

What isn't?

The wedding.

What wedding?

Oh, sorry.

Are you not here for
the wedding?

Oh, our clothes.

Oh.

No, we've just been
to a christening.

Oh.

If it's about the garden,
you'll have to ask Penelope,

mrs. Braxton.

Oh, so you're not--

No, no.

I'm just, well, I don't know
what I am, really.

Come on, she's over
the factory.

Тo, I came here, oh, years

ago as an au pair.

Sort of stayed on, you know.

Sort of housekeeper,
I suppose.

Wha-- pff, where
is the factory?

You'll see.

Of course, I don't know if it
will happen when Penelope's

married again.

Perhaps she won't need
me, anymore.

Oh, it's mrs. Braxton who's
getting married.

Well, remarried.

He ran off with a rich floozie
seven years ago, and they've

been living in Florida.

Which is the special one?

This one.

I gotta put it down for him.

I'm sure they're getting
suspicious.

No they're not.

It's just your imagination.

We can't just keep--

Hello, Eddie.

Is your mother around, Fleur?

Inside.

We do a very good business
here, you know.

Oh, what business is that?

Oh, creams, lotions, for the
hands, you know, and the face.

All organic.

Penelope, it's people
about the garden.

Oh, ok.

Just give me a second.

Mrs. Westerby, come and
take over here, for a

minute, will you.

I cant.

They'll all pile up.

Oh, nonsense.

We've almost finished
this run, anyway.

It separates at that
temperature if you

don't keep it moving.

What is it?

Breath of new dawn.

Face cream.

Have you tried it?

No.

Here.

Thank you.

Can't you all get a machine
to stir it?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's all organic.

All handmade.

Everything made by hand is
touched by the hand of God.

It's hard work, but we manage to
turn out 2000 jars a week.

Blimey.

Not counting the ones
that mysteriously go missing.

I'm Lydia, Penelope's
sister, by the way.

The silent partner.

Come on.

I'll show you the garden.

Well, here we are.

What do you think?

Oh, this is magical.

So, what, exactly, do
you want us to do?

A memorial garden.

Oh, that sounds so crass,
doesn't it.

Like a municipal baths,
or something.

I want to place of
meditation and

remembrance, of calm and solitude.

In memory of Thelma Braxton,
requiescat in pace.

My husband's mother.

She lived with us
for many years.

She's on a higher plane
now, of course.

I want this garden as a surprise
for my husband.

What a lovely sort.

We've been divorced
for a long time.

But we're getting married
again, next week.

Yes, Anya told us.

Did she?

I wish that girl would mind
her own business.

What else did she tell you?

Um, no, nothing, really.

Well, no matter.

How can a wooden spoon
recognize the

flavor of the soup?

Your turn.

She's a weirdo, that woman.

Fancy getting married again,
after being divorced

for all those years.

Oh, precisely.

Oh, I noticed a pizza restaurant
on the way in.

Why don't we get a bottle
of wine and some pizza.

We can imagine we're
in San Romo.

Excellent.

Good evening.

I booked a room.

A room?

For tonight?

Yes, I phoned.

You're rather late.

Sorry.

Name?

Laura Thyme and
Rosemary Boxer.

Ah, yes.

What's that smell?

Smell?

Onions.

I can smell it.

Yes, onions.

Food is not permitted in
our rooms, mrs. Thyme.

No, no.

Food?

No, no.

Please, may I have our key?

Hmmm you're not eating?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

It's all right.

It's a bit soggy.

No, I'm not hungry.

Ahh, uhh, uh, that's
three meters.

Three meters.

I really think Yorkstone.

Don't you?

Whoa, she can afford it.

So, three meters, you know,
will give it a nice

informality.

What's that sound?

I can't hear anything.

Listen.

It's a cat.

Doesn't sound like a cat.

Yes, it's a cat.

We used to have a Siamese.

Made noises like that.

Where you goin?

That's no cat.

Rosemary.

Rosemary.

Oh my god.

That's not a gooseberry
bush, is it.

Cat!

Oh, let me have a go.

Least it stopped him howling.

Ah, yes.

That, and changing
his trousers.

Glad they left all that
stuff for him.

Oh, I can do that.

Let me have a go.
Yes, all right.

All right.

Go on, you sit in the seat.

There you are.

You all right?

Oop, oop.

We'll have to go and
tell Penelope.

No, no, no.

We can look after
him ourselves.

Oh, don't be a--

No, no, no, no, just
to be sure.

But they may be coming
back for him.

We don't know.

If somebody abandons a baby.

They may be coming back.

Well he likes this,
doesn't he.

I hope he doesn't turn
out to be a drinker.

What we'll do is, we can't
put him back where he was.

So we'll make him comfortable
and safe, here in the car.

And then, we'll go up to the
house and tell them.

Come on.

Oh, look.

Look, look, look.

Look.

He's got little ears
and everything.

Now, don't you be scared.

Your aunties will be
back in a minute.

Come on.

You've got no feelings
at all, have you!

Bye, bye.

He smiled at me.

He did.

Bye, bye.

He smiled at me.

So, why can't we
take him with us to

the house?

You have to use tact in
a situation like this.

Tact?

It was probably someone from
the house that left him.

Do you know, some people just
don't deserve to be mothers.

No.

No, we mustn't.

No.

Someone might see.

There's someone there.

There can't be.

Oh my god.

Hello.

Um, no we were just, uh--

Hello.

You must be the, uh,
blushing groom.

Oh my god.

You're, uh, you're sir Carlos
Potter, aren't you?

Uh, well, uh, yes.

Yes, I am.

I g--

I'm such a fan, I--

Um, it's wonderful
to meet you.

I saw your exhibition
last year at the--

the Grafton.

At the Grafton.

Ahh, did you?

Yes.

Yes, uh, I live just over
there, the Rookery.

Oh god.

Uh, look, I'm sorry.

Please, don't tell anybody
you've seen me here.

No, no, no, no, we won't.

No.

Thank you.

Well I'll be, uh, goodbye.

And you talk to
me about tact.

I just assumed.

"Well you must be the
blushing groom".

Oh, is he really famous?

Oh, terribly.

Terribly famous.

But, what, what on earth does
she think she's up to now?

She's just spreading a
little positive karma.

Oh, Lydia.

What?

We found something
odd in the spinny.

Odd?

It's a baby.

A baby?

Yes, we--

What have you done with it?

Well, nothing.

We didn't know what to do.

I've been over the
book three times.

The right amount of
boxes left here.

They can't have done!

Why is all this stock
going missing?

Oh god, it's Tim.

He's early.

Look, um, it's nothing to
do with anyone here.

Someone's just abandoned
it here, and--

just take it to the police.

That's the thing.

Who's Tim?

Oh, he's the ex.

Well, well, well.

Welcome home, Tim.

Lydia.

Let's not get carried away.

Well it's good to see
you again, Lydia.

Ah, I'd better get my belongings
out of the boot.

I must say, Pen, I'm
looking forward to

getting back into harness.

You were never in harness.

The business was always
Penelope's and mine.

Lydia, don't be
beastly to Tim.

He's going to be such a help.

Well, I must say, the old place
looks just the same.

Could do with a lick
of paint, though.

The fragrant lotus may spring
from a pile of rubbish

discarded on the highway.

Just as balmy as ever, eh Pen?

What if it's Penelope's?

I mean, her husband's
been away for years.

If he finds out she's been
having a fling with Carlos

Potter, perhaps even had his
child, bang goes the

remarriage.

At least Charlie's safe.

Oh, he's got a name
now, has he?

Now listen, our only concern is
to keep the baby safe until

we hand him over
to the police.

It's shut.

He's just gone to sleep.

It's shut.

It says, in emergency, to ring
the station in Farminster.

That's twenty miles away.

What are you going to do
if you get murdered?

Lie down and wait for help.

Well, we've got no choice.

We're just going to have to
take little Charlie to the

hotel with us.

No we can't.

It's a no-children hotel.

Oh, honestly.

Hello.

Ohh, what happened?

Well I did go.

Of course I did, I was there.

I was a bit late.

I ran into someone.

But it wasn't there.

Well, who?

Oh my god.

No, listen.

No!

Hello--

It's amazing, the stuff
they need, isn't it.

Was that the, um, what's
her name, over there?

The Braxton girl.

Fleur.

Don't bang the--

Come on, Fleur, it
will be all right.

It won't.

Not now he's back.

They're bound to find out.
Fleur, of course they won't.

Anyway, as soon as we get the
money saved, we're going to be

out of here, anyway.

Just hang on, all right.

Are you all right?

Yeah, she's upset.

Is there anything I can do?

No, it's fine.

Thanks.

Uh, look, you haven't--

haven't lost something,
have you?

Lost something?

Done something a bit silly.

Oh god, you're as bad
as my mother.

Come on.

All right, all right.

This'll do.

That's filthy.

No, it's not.

Good evening.

May I have our key, please.

What was that?

Oh, that was Rosemary, she's
a terrible cough.

Cough, cough, cough.

She ought to see a doctor,
your friend.

Yes.

Laura, little bugger
won't go to sleep.

Tough.

For the first two years,
you're up to

your elbows in poo and puke.

Then, for the next 10, you feed
them, and educate them.

Nurse them through every disease
known to man, and some

only known to veterinary
science.

Then, they shut themselves in
their bedroom, and pay cruel

music at you.

And shout through the key hole
that you don't understand them

and they hate you.

No, no, don't go any closer.

There's nothing we can do.

How did they find out?

No, it can't be that.

Something must've happened.

So this is where you're
working, is it?

That's right.

So you heard the shot,
and then you ran over.

Yes.

You see anyone else?

Not a soul.

Where's your friend, now?

She's gone to the loo.

She has this bladder problem.

My wife's very upset,
sergeant.

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

It's so awful.

I don't think he suffered.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Laura Thyme.

I've been doing a--

No!

Don't tell him.

It's a secret.

A surprise for you.

So you just let the police
go without saying

a word about Charlie?

Well, I couldn't find
the right moment.

Oh, and by the way, we found a
baby and then it was too late.

Well, it's my fault.

We should have driven him into
Farminster last night.

You don't think our baby and
the murder are linked in some

way, do you?

Well yes, if Penelope's
the mother.

Ohh, go on, convince me.

Well, the baby belongs to
Penelope, and sir Carlos is

the father.

Right.

So sir Carlos finds out
Penelope's going back to her

ex, and threatens
to reveal all.

So Penelope has to shoot him.

Well, it's certainly simple.

And effective.

On the other hand, Tim could
have found out, and shot sir

Carlos, himself.

Yes, but what if the baby
isn't Penelope's.

What if it's Fleur's,
for instance.

You didn't see the
state she was in.

But why would she
shoot sir Carlos?

Well maybe she didn't.

Maybe Eddie shot him because
Fleur was having

an affair with him.

That's disgusting.

So, we don't really know if the
baby's got anything to do

with the murder or not.

No, I suppose not.

But--

What are you doing?

Nothing.

It's nothing to do with me.

Laura, it's a gun.

It isn't mine.

Hand it over.

Someone put it in my room.

It isn't mine.

The police were searching
the rooms.

I had to get rid of it.

Oh, god.

Who would put it
in your room?

Listen to me, please.

If they find Carlos shot and
murdered, and they find the

pistol in my room--

Oh, god.

Everything's gone wrong.

I don't like that
gun just lying

around in the Land Rover.

Well we can't hand it in to the
police without implicating

Anya.

Well maybe she should
be implicated.

Oh, she's not a murderer.

Do you think she's a murderer?

What we think doesn't matter.

We've got to hand the gun in.

We could say we found
it in the grass.

Oh, sure.

All right.

You drive over to Farminster
and you hand it in.

Oh, so it's just me handing it
in all of a sudden, is it?

Well you're brilliant at
that sort of thing.

And I'll stay here and look
after Charlie and keep an eye

on all this.

Bye.

Bye, I'm off now.

Bye bye.

Ok?

We might get a better idea of
who killed sir Carlos if we

took a look in his house.

Well, you can't, the
police are there.

Hello, Charlie.

What if we just go.

We can't.

Mummy doesn't matter.

We can get jobs.

Fleur.

Oh, god.

What do you think
you're doing?

Now, you stay asleep.

Asleep.

You've had your bottle and
you've got clean trousers, so

no more of that racket.

Ok?

Yes, you do.

Asleep.

So, what's all this, then?

You can have a lawyer present,
if you like.

Are you Laura?

Uh, no, I'm the other one.

Oh, I don't suppose
it matters.

It does to us.

It's just that my mother told
me to speak to Laura.

What's that?

Um, there's a cat
hanging about.

Um, actually, Laura should
be back soon.

She should be back now,
as a matter of fact.

Well, mommy wants to invite you
both to a party to welcome

my darling father back.

Oh, that's nice.

Sure.

Wonderful.

It's tonight.

Oh, well, I'm not sure that--

About 8:00 anyway?

Oh, there you are.

How did you get on?

Don't ask.

Oh, you've done well.

What happened?

I don't believe it.

After all you've said to me,
you go and break in to sir

Carlos' house.

Well--

So what happened?

Well, there wasn't time for
very much to happen at all.

I saw some paintings.

Oh, are they wonderful?

Yeah.

Mainly of a nude woman
with a tattoo of a

butterfly on her back.

Couldn't see her face, just her
back and this butterfly.

Right.

We're off.

So, when you were in the police
station, you didn't

mention him all?

I couldn't.

I mean, that on top of a gun
and breaking and entering.

I was lucky to talk my way
out of a life sentence.

Oh, I suppose so.

God.

Oh, god.

What's up?

I don't think I can stand
much more of this.

I mean, it's all very well.

I mean, they're very nice and
they must be all right for

people who own them, but they
never stop, do they?

That is the first good laugh
I've had all day.

Oh, Laura, give me a break.

You look after him tonight and
let me go to the party.

What party?

What a din.

Have you tried the food?

No, not yet.

I wouldn't put myself out.

I mean, I don't want to sound
critical, but have you seen

what that poor child
is wearing?

To tell you the honest truth,
what did you say you name was?

Rosemary.

Oh, I never did like
those flowery names.

Did you?

To tell you the honest truth,
Rosemary, I cannot for the

life of me fathom what Timothy
is doing back here.

He's a cut above this, I
should have thought.

Let's tell them.

Let's tell everybody.

No, we just go.

Tomorrow?

Yeah, I promise.

Yes?

There's a package just been
delivered for you.

Well, I've got no one down
here at the moment.

Well, it's marked urgent.

Oh, right.

All right.

Now, I'm not going to keep you
long because it doesn't

take a man long to say how
happy he is to be back.

Now, Pen and Lyd have done
wonders with the business, of

course, but, uh, even they can
see that it's a little old

fashioned, a bit hippy-dippy
amateur.

But we can put these
things right.

We can cut our dead
wood, slim down

staff, mechanize processes.

What we are aiming for is a
lean, mean face cream machine.

But who?

Well, it has to be the
mother, doesn't it?

Who else has got a motive?

Yeah, but who is the mother?

Well, Penelope?

Well, she couldn't
have taken him.

She was at the party
all evening.

All right.

Fleur?

No, she was there, too.

They all were.

Penelope, Fleur, Lydia.

I don't understand
this family.

Why not?

Well, there's supposed to be
a party to welcome back the

prodigal husband, right?

So he gets up on his hind legs
and he starts giving a speech

about how he's going to
mechanized their business,

emphasize the profit motive,
sack the staff--

but she's only got
mrs. Westerby.

Exactly.

And she didn't look
too pleased.

So there he was, talking about
destroying everything they

believe in, and Lydia and
Penelope just stand there,

beaming and nodding.

Well, that's odd.

And another thing.

Do you know the nude pictures
you said you

saw at Carlos' place?

Yes.

Lydia has a butterfly
tattooed on her back.

Here they come.

This time we tell
them everything.

Agreed?

What are they going
to do to us?

We were only doing what
we thought was right.

What was the name
of that road?

Paved with good intentions?

Well, well, well.

It's you again, is it?

It's something different.

Thing is, we've lost a baby.

I really don't see why he
had to be so unpleasant.

They get like that.

Isn't that Eddie Westerby?

And those are boxes
of face cream.

That explains the stock
that's gone missing.

Well, well, well.

I wonder if Penelope
knows about that.

No sleep with him, even
less without him.

Remember we used to get three
and four hours a night?

What's up, mum?

She's your mother?

How is she?

Pen said she'd do
it, didn't she?

Seven years later, and
what harm has my

mother ever done her?

All this hinky dinky stuff,
and underneath?

I'll tell you what.

She's evil.
That's what she is.

Oh, boy.

How could we know
she's his mother?

She's supposed to be dead.

When I met her at the
party last night, she

didn't say who she was.

That's Charlie.

That's Eddie's car.

Eddie, we know what
you've been up to.

You can't stop us.

We're getting married.

Who said anything about
stopping you?

We needed the money
to get away.

What have you done
with Charlie?

Charlie?

Anya?

And his face!

What's up, mums?

I hope you don't mind.

We're breaking out the bubbly.

Time for a celebration,
we thought.

What are you doing?

Although, I must say, I have
some reservations about our

memorial garden being used
as a murder weapon.

What are you talking about?

Technically, an attempted
murder.

I'd like to see the police make
that one stick, though.

If you're talking about mrs. Braxton's
unfortunate accident--

Accident?

Oh, come on.

We're all friends here.

I've met the lovely
Thelma Braxton.

What a pain in the neck.

Isn't she, though?

Come on, grab a glass.

Seven years ago, that bastard,
with the approval of

his mother--

With the encouragement
of his mother.

She encouraged him.

He ran off with Totty
Stocker Wallace---

Penelope's best friend.

Who also happens to be
extremely rich, something

which always brought out the
romantic in my husband.

Anyway, that was that.

Then about three months ago, I
heard from a friend that even

Totty, who god knows wasn't
particular, had got fed up

with Tim Braxton
and his mother.

She'd booted them out.

Then, I get this letter from
him saying he'd given Totty up

because he'd seen the
error of his ways.

And couldn't we try again?

The most creepy letter
you've ever seen.

Then I wrote back this
masterpiece of sustained

sarcasm saying of course I
forgave him, and wouldn't he

and his dear mother like to come
back and take over the

business because we were
so lost without them.

And do you know what?
What?

He's such a dolt, he took
the letter seriously.

No!

I was going to tell him to piss
off then and there, but then Lydia--

I felt that such doltishness
deserved chastisement for the

pain in caused Penelope.

So we decided to build him up
for a bit and then drop him

from a great height.

Giving his mother a heart
attack wasn't actually part of

the plan.

No.

Bit of a bonus, that.

So, why did you kill Carlos?

What are you talking about?

Carlos?

Anya killed him.

She said you did and hid
the gun in her room.

She would say that,
wouldn't she?

But she didn't have a motive.

No motive?

But she'd had the baby.

Carlos was the father and he
just didn't want to know

anymore.

Dropped her like a hot brick.

We did warn her.

Oh, so, um, you knew who the
father of the baby was?

Of course we knew.

And you weren't jealous?

Jealous?

I haven't got a jealous
bone in my body.

I knew that Carlos was a very,
very passionate man.

Come on, let's all
go and sit down.

She did it.

I know she did.

I know you're not a jealous
woman, Penelope, but didn't it

bother you, all that time your
sister spent with Carlos?

What time?

All those paintings
he did of her.

All those nude paintings.

What nonsense.

What paintings?

The ones at his studio.

There aren't any paintings.

The ones I saw could only be
recognized by the tattoo.

No.

You must be mistaken.

What paintings?

No, it's just a
misunderstanding.

Why would he want
to paint you?

Why wouldn't he want
to paint me?

We used to laugh about you.

He said you were typically
repressed virgin.

Virgin?

Well, he knew that
wasn't true.

You slut.

All right.

All right.

Ok. That's enough.

- I loved him.
- You never loved him.

You said you just wanted to own
him, you were so jealous.

Jealous?

Why did you kill Carlos, then,
if wasn't being jealous

when you found out about
him and Anya?

You killed him just
as much as I did.

You pulled the trigger.

You got the gun.

I didn't know that my, my
dried-up spinster of a sister

was creeping around and--

Ok, no.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

He said sleeping with you was
like trying to make love to

some gigantic jellyfish.

He said you were like a
little stick insect.

Don't you call me a slut!

No, no, no.

Don't call her a slut.

She called me a slut first!

Slut, slut, slut!

No, no, no.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Slutty, slut, slut!

Sargeant Bremner, you'd
better get 'round here.

They were terrible
women, really.

Always very nice to me, but
underneath, terrible.

They'll meet a lot worse
where they going.

Carlos was so happy.

He'd never had a child before.

So what are you going
to do now?

I'm going to Paris.

Carlos and I had already bought
an apartment there.

Well, I suppose you'll
need this?

Bye bye, Charlie.

Bye.

She'll make Charlie
a very good mother.

She is his mother.

What?

You know what I mean.