Rosemary & Thyme (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 1 - And No Birds Sing - full transcript

(HORN TOOTS)

Come on, come on.

(TOOTS HORN AGAIN)

Didn't you hear my horn?

The station, wasn't it?

Madam?

The station.

I can't go on like this, Alicia.

I can't.

You're better than you were six months ago.

Don't do this, Alicia.



You know I'm not better. Look at me.

Look.

My lungs are never clear.

I will not go on being a burden to you.

Don't say that. You're not a
burden to me, or anyone else.

I love you, Daniel.

We're going to fight this
thing together and we'll win.

We will.

What do you say, Sam?

Am I better? I'm not a doctor.

But you're never at a loss for an opinion.

I came here to talk to you
about this university nonsense.

Nothing to talk about.

We could build another three
branches with that amount of money.



We're expanding too fast already.

And I want to leave something behind.

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, so suddenly you ARE a doctor!

Stop it, both of you.

(ENGINE FALTERS)

We're going to be late.

Oh, Daniel won't mind.

Punctuality was never his strong point.

I can't say I remember him.

Oh, I haven't seen him for yonks.

He was one of our mature students.

He managed a decent 2:2.

One sees these Kellaway garden
centres of his everywhere.

She gets the pinion stuck.

(ENGINE ROARS TO LIFE)

She's a good old wagon.

You'll be pleased to hear,
your chest sounds clearer.

But the eczema hasn't
responded as well as I'd hoped.

Are you using the cream regularly?

She keeps me an inch thick in the stuff.

Keep it up, Alicia. Do you need
any more? We always need more.

While you're at it, you could
write me up some more Digoxin.

Not overdoing it, are
you? No, of course not.

Alicia.

Only it's dodgy stuff, that digitalis.

Oh, listen to her. What?

When she's in top gear at 3,000-3,500 revs

she gets that lovely, satisfied, ummm!

Yes, very gratifying.

I've been thinking...

I thought that was forbidden
for college principals!

About us.

We were pretty good together, weren't we?

Were we?

Yes. Are you kidding?

We were hell on wheels. Nonsense.

We had some good times together.
Well, I can't think of any.

Well, be that as it may, why
don't we give it another go?

Because the go went, Julian.

After eight months with you, I decided

I would never again get
romantically entangled

with a man who pronounces
both his Rs in February.

What a beautiful place.

Yes?

We'd like to see Mr
Kellaway, please. What for?

And who are you?

That wasn't the question.
That's all right, Mrs Potts.

They was ringing the
bell. I'll take care of it.

I'm Alicia Kellaway. You must be
Professor Marchant and Rosemary...

Rosemary Boxer. Do come in.

I'd much rather you
didn't see me like this.

Oh, don't be silly. You're an old mate.

Anyway, you asked us to come.

Pass me that blue folder, Sam.

I'd best be off.

Bye, Dan. Thanks for coming, Bob.

Can you see yourself out?
I should think so by now.

I'll go out the back way, if that's OK.

'Course. (See you later.)

It's all in here.

Professor Marchant deals
with all the grown-up stuff.

"A proposal for the endowment of
the Kellaway Chair of Plant Genetics

at the University of Malmesbury."
Have your legal people look at it,

draw up whatever documents
are necessary and I'll sign it.

Tea. Put it on the table, Mrs Potts.

Herbal tea for Mr Trent.

No caffeine for him. Thanks, Mrs Potts.

I can't tell you how grateful we are.

You mentioned in one of your letters
that you... rather surprisingly...

had a horticultural problem.
Has it been remedied yet?

Nothing wrong with the gardens as far
as I can see... they are exquisite.

It made Rosemary's day, seeing
what one of her old students can do.

I can't take any credit for that.

The gardens were completely
redone by the previous owner...

a Malaysian, with a big electronics
company. Must have spent a fortune.

So what's the problem?
Something to do with the trees?

Yes. In the avenue... they're
losing their bark, like me.

Hello, it's...

Laura. Yes.

Yes, well, you'd better come on in.

Sam will be back soon,
he just... He's left me.

Oh.

For some
23-year-old tart.

Thank you very much for
volunteering my services.

No, fine, I know we can depend on you.

And who is going to do my
lecture in the morning, may I ask?

Don't worry, I'll ask young
Frank Peterson to do it.

This is important for the college.
Yes, I know, I realise that.

Well, that doesn't look good. What is it?

I'm not quite sure yet.

It's very interesting.

I wonder if any of
these have been affected.

(HORN TOOTS)

That'll be my taxi.

You just get this sorted
out, eh? Good old Rosemary.

Well, how long have I got?

As long as it takes.

I'll be in touch.

Thanks a bunch.

Well, this is a nice surprise. (SOBS) Sam!

What am I going to do?

What am I going to do, Sam?

Well, I... I suppose you knew about this.

Only what Vickie's just told me.

Come on, you were our best friend.

Look, sit down, Laura, sit down.

Tell me what happened.

Nick's left me. Another woman?

You did know? I didn't.

Nick's the last person
I'd expect to do this.

That's what makes it worse... he spends 27
years pretending to be a decent human being

then he turns out to be
just like the rest of you.

Good evening.

I called about a room for Mrs
Thyme. Oh, yes, that's fine.

If you just sign here, I'll
have your bags taken up.

If you want dinner, we
stop serving at nine.

(BLEEPING)

Time for a pill.

What's that for? Er...

to keep the old pump going.

Right... see you in the morning then.

I'll be here at
half-past eight. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Thank you.

Thanks.

(SOBS)

(CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC)

Come on.

Oh, sorry. No, fine.

Oh, hello. Billie? Billie, it's Rosemary.

I'm stuck here for a couple of days.

Could you bung some clean clothes and some
knickers in a bag and bring them to me?

Do you know where my house keys are?

Oh, great.

And I need you to go to the
lab and get a small microscope,

my copy of Exotic Dendrology and my laptop.

Yes, fine. Where am I?

I'm at The White Hart in Dowminster. Yes.

Yes. Thank you. Cheers, Billie.

Bye.

Do you want to try again?
I don't know what to do.

A friend was supposed
to pick me up at 8:30.

No sign of him, now there's no reply.

Was that the chap you were with last night?

Yes, yeah.

Sam Trent. Ah.

Oh, you know him? No, not really.

I met him yesterday.
Does he live near here?

Only a couple of miles away ...
it's a village called Devenish.

Oh, I go past there. Come
on, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, thank you.

23 years old!

23, blonde and thin as a bloody rail.

Where did he meet her?

Work.

He's a policeman, did you say?

DCI. He was a detective constable
when we got married, I was a WPC.

He made me give all that up, of course.

Well, maybe he'll come back
when she's bored with him.

Back? I wouldn't have him back if he
crawled on hands and knees over broken glass!

Attagirl.

Sorry.

Are you married?

No, no, no.

On the brink a couple of times, but...

the good ones got away.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop!

Oh, my God.

That's Sam's car.

What happened?

Hit by a truck as he crossed last night.

Oh, my God. What about the driver?

Truck driver said he come straight
across the junction about 40...

didn't have a chance.

I knew as soon as I saw the number.

Always remember registration
numbers... force of habit.

Oh, my God.

Vickie?

Vickie, oh, I'm so sorry!

He was only going to
be gone for 20 minutes.

I didn't say goodbye even.

(VACUUM CLEANER)

Mrs Potts, can you do that later?

I've got the bedrooms to do after this.

Later, Mrs Potts.

Hi. Hi.

They're not questioning it at all.

Questioning what?

Vickie and Mrs Kellaway both
agree about Sam's driving...

he wouldn't have been that careless.
And he had a heart condition.

They both accept that he drove
across that road without looking.

What are you saying? That he had
a heart attack before the crash?

Yes, quite possibly.

Would it make any difference?

He took a pill before he left the hotel...

what if someone had
been tampering with them?

Why should they? I don't know.

There's something dodgy about the
doctor and Mrs Kellaway anyway.

What makes you say that? Oh, body language.

A bit too friendly.

What exactly are you doing here?

I'm a plant pathologist and there's
something wrong with the trees

and Mr Kellaway asked me
to have a look at them.

They won't thrive if you don't strive.

That's what my dad used to say.

He was a farmer.

Oh, it's beautiful here, isn't it?

So you're a gardener? I love gardening.

So do I, but I'm more on the academic
side... more a bookworm than an earthworm.

It's funny, I don't miss
my house at all, but...

I really miss my garden.

Oh, wow.

Whoo, bloody hell, look at that!

Heracleum mantegazzianum.

Giant Hogweed to us commoners.
It's poisonous, isn't it?

Don't even touch it.

Did you see the housekeeper there?

Mrs Potts? Yes. Why?

I'm sure I've seen her
before. I can't think where.

But as soon as I saw her face,
a word popped into my mind...

Withersedge.

Withersedge? Is that a name?

I don't know. I don't know what it is.

The sedge is withered from the lake.

And no birds sing.

What's that?

Keats.

La Belle Dame Sans Merci.

Rosemary!

Billie. You needn't have waited.
Not that it's not nice to see you.

I thought I'd better.
I've got you some clothes.

Ah, yes, great. This is Laura. Hi.

And this is Billie Halliday.

I wanted to talk to you personally...

This letter came for you this
morning from Professor Marchant.

I thought you might want to see it.

Three other members of
the faculty have had them.

This is a joke, right?

I don't think so, no.

He's given me the bloody sack.

And all the others. Who others?

Deirdre Fellowes, Tom Bishop, Fergus Cooke.

He's given us all the sack?

I'm so sorry, Rosemary, I...

He was only here with me yesterday.

Saying he could depend on me... the shifty,
treacherous, double-dealing vile little bastard!

I've just finished 18 years at Malmesbury.

Only senior lecturer in
Applied Horticulture PhD.

I got too big so they had to cut me down.

(MAN CRIES OUT)

Alicia!

Alicia!

Winterbourne Manor, Devenish. Dr Whittaker.

As quick as you can. Thank you.

What's happened? I've called an ambulance.

Dan! Don't touch him.

Did he fall? He must have.

What are you doing here anyway?

Dan rang me about 20 minutes
ago. He sounded desperate.

I heard a shout as I was
getting out of the car.

I found him like this.

When did you see him last?

Not since lunchtime.

Well, he must've fallen, mustn't he?

From his room.

Look, go and get a blanket.
we've got to keep him warm.

Thank you so much, Professor Hashim.

The diseased trees are a mystery to me.

Yes, you've been a great help. Thank you.

My regards to Madame Hashim.

Thank you, right.

Yes, bye. Bye.

(SIGHS)

Er, sorry. Where was I?

The ambulance came.

Yes, the ambulance came
and they took him away.

Was he dead?

No... no, I don't think so.

The ambulance men put a drip in his arm.

Unless it was formaldehyde and they
wanted to keep him looking nice.

Do you think... his wife,

or the doctor might have
pushed him off the balcony?

I don't know. I couldn't hear
properly... I was behind a bush.

But they seemed genuinely upset.

I don't know what to think.

What were you doing behind a bush? Hiding.

You didn't say anything?

How could I? I couldn't explain what
I was doing there, eavesdropping.

And there's another thing.

That housekeeper...

And she had a knife? Well,
it looked like a knife.

Bloody hell! What do you
think was in the sack?

That's what I was wondering.

She was being very furtive.

She looks bonkers anyway.

I think it's just the hat.

I wish I could remember
where I'd seen her before.

Nick's mother wears hats
like that. Not Nick again!

No, no, I'm fine.

Bastard!

He probably didn't tell her he was
married... they don't, you know.

Then it's too late. 23 years of age!

Laura, please. Well, it's so unfair.

I didn't ask to get old.

Well, everyone gets old.

We'll get old, she'll get old.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Oh, I hate hospitals. I just
want to see how Daniel is.

I can't ask at the house...
no-one knows that I saw anything.

Suppose his wife is here.

That's a point. Well,
I'll just have to say...

No, YOU'LL just have to
say you heard somewhere.

Thanks very much, very convincing.

What's going on? It's his wife, Alicia.

And the doctor.

No cause for alarm, sir.

Just a routine inspection.

"Dr Harvey to X-Ray,
please. Dr Harvey to X-Ray."

Oh, he's not going to tell us much.

At least he's still alive.

Poor dear. That's the
dermatitis I told you about.

Is that the same as eczema?

Doesn't look like any eczema
I've ever seen. It's horrible.

Actually, his skin looks better.

It was all blistered yesterday.

Come on.

Maybe... I don't know, they've
got better medication here.

First one partner, then the other.

I wonder who inherits the business.

The partners' wives, presumably.

Alicia Kellaway and your Vickie Trent.

What are you suggesting?

Maybe they didn't want the
money to go to your university.

I've known far less as a motive.

Wait a minute, whose is... ?

He's here! Who's here?

Bloody nerve!

(DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY)

I want to see Professor
Marchant. I daresay you do.

Julian!

Rosemary? How dare you?!

I heard there had been an accident.

You toad! You've had my letter.

You vermin.

You cheap, grizzly, low-rent,
dismal little crumb bum!

Whoo-hoo! What was sensational.

What weight do you normally fight at?

I've never hit anyone before.

Well, you've got a natural talent for it.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

How did I ever fancy him?

That's what I don't understand.

You need cheering up.

I need calming down, not cheering up.

Well, this'll do it.

To hell with men!

Hm. Haven't you ever met a good one?

No.

Either they're all over you or they're...

all over somebody else.

Some of them are lovely.

Oh, well.

No. No more work. You're on R&R.

No, I'm just looking up
that word on the Internet...

Withersedge.

Oh, right.

There are thousands of sites.

The Royal Borough of
Withersedge. It's a place!

There's a site here called They
Got Away With It. What's that?

Oh, try it.

Jack the Ripper, Adelaide
Bartlett, Madeleine Smith...

It's people that got away with murder.

Oh, here it is... The
Wicked Witch of Withersedge!

That's right, of course... Delia Kettle.

That's right, it's Delia Kettle.
There's a picture of her here.

It looks like her... she's
even wearing one of her hats.

1972.

That's right. I'd just joined the force.

It was all over the papers.

The trial was in the autumn.

"Mrs Delia Kettle seen at
her house in Withersedge

shortly after her release."

Ah-ha, she got off.

She had married a retired
wholesale butcher from Norwich.

He died suddenly,
apparently of a heart attack,

but there was a lot of talk locally.

She was already called the
Witch of Withersedge. Why?

She grew a lot of herbs
or something, I don't know.

Anyway, she'd been married before and
he had died in suspicious circumstances.

That's right, there was a
child from the first marriage.

Now Mr Kettle's insurance company refused
to pay up, saying they weren't satisfied,

so she took them to court
and the police got interested.

Was she accused of poisoning him?

Yes, but they didn't have
much of a case unfortunately.

At least she's got a sense of humour.

Why?

Mrs Kettle, Mrs Potts. Potts, yes.

But how can she be involved in
Daniel's fall from the balcony?

I saw her in the garden just before.

I still think she found
a way of killing Sam.

That was an accident...

as far as we know. Hang on.

The phone's dead.

My computer's plugged in!

Why is she doing it? What's her motive?

Maybe she doesn't need a
motive, maybe she's just a...

natural born killer.

Yes, could I speak to Sgt Thyme, please?

Your husband?

No, it's not my husband. It's my
eldest, Matthew. He's at the Met.

Sgt Thyme. Hello, Matt. How are you?

Hello, Mum. I'm fine. Are you all right?

Fine, yeah... No, I'm fine.

You've got to feel sorry for any girl to
get mixed up with a man like your father.

Listen, Matthew, there's
something I want you to do for me.

Anything at all, Mum.

I want you to look up Mrs Kettle, 1972.

A Mrs Kettle?

Yes. Mrs Delia Kettle.

She poisoned her husband
but she got away with it.

I want you to find out
what happened to her.

I can't do that, Mum, I'm...

Mum, I've got...

Oh, Mum!

All right, all right. Yes, I will.

OK.

Goodbye, Mum.

Haven't you got a mother?

Right, I'm good at digging.

Keeps my mind off things.

Well, almost. Where do you want me?

You'll only need a trowel.

I don't have a spare one.
There's a barn round the side.

Maybe there'll be some
spare tools in there.

Do you know, I keep thinking
we ought to warn Mrs Kellaway.

I assume she didn't knowingly employ
the Wicked Witch Of Withersedge.

How can we warn her? What if SHE
pushed Daniel off the balcony?

We'll just have to wait
for Matthew to ring back.

At least we're ideally placed
if anything should happen.

Right.

Oh, what's this?

Hydrocortisone cream.

Industrial size. You use
that in gardening? No.

Maybe Daniel uses it for his eczema.

What's it doing it in the barn then?

I've never seen anyone
dry foxgloves before.

It's just a cream.

Look at this. What?

I've got you now, haven't I?

What are you doing in here?

We thought it was going to rain.

Poking about ain't allowed.

This is private, this is.

Private property. Yes, terribly sorry.

Clear off out of it, both of you!

I nearly fainted when I saw her
standing there with that knife.

She had a knife when you saw
her the other day, didn't she?

"Poking about ain't allowed."

"Private property, this is!"

Still haven't got you a trowel.
Have you nothing in the Land Rover?

Oh, my hand, it's so itchy.

What's that?

I don't know.

Oh, yes, I do.

It's where I put the cream on.

Where are we going?

I want to show you something.

Look, someone's been
cutting stalks from the base.

Oh, the hogweed.

Did you know it was illegal
to propagate this? No.

Because if you put the sap on
your skin, it blisters and burns.

Like this? Like this.

When I first saw it, I thought somebody was
making a half-hearted attempt to remove it.

But did you notice, there were some crushed
Hogweed stalks on the floor of the barn?

That's right.

So... someone has been adding
the juice of the hogweed...

BOTH: to the cortisone cream!

It's not just anyone, it's got
to be that awful housekeeper.

That's why the more they put
on Daniel, the worse he got

and why he's in hospital,
he's getting better

cos no-one's spreading this on
him! No, wait, if I am correct,

it's not just the juice, it's
something called phytophototoxic.

Phytophoto... ? Phytophototoxic.

It reacts with the sunlight on the skin.

As far as I know, Daniel never goes out.

It's not going to kill him though,
nobody ever died of dermatitis.

No, but it could get infected,
then he could get septicaemia

and that could kill him. Hm.

It's no good, I've got to tell Alicia.

If that old witch suspects
that we're onto her,

God knows what she might do. Yes, to us!

Yes. You'd better go and find Dr Whittaker.

Tell him everything and show him
your arm. He can't ignore that.

How am I going to get
there? Take the wagon.

Drive that thing? You'll love it!

No, you can't go back in
that house on your own.

She won't do anything
to me if Alicia's there.

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

(GEARS GRIND)

Oh, bloody hell!

(GEARS CONTINUE TO GRIND)

Hello?

Alicia?

Mrs Kellaway?

It's really quite nasty.

Could you hold onto that, please?

Don't you think Mrs Potts'
behaviour is suspicious?

Eccentric perhaps.

But I'm sorry, there's
no conceivable motive.

It doesn't make any sense.

Poisoners are weird, they
don't always need a motive.

They just enjoy being clever, you know.

Dropping a pill in someone's drink
and standing by looking innocent,

waiting for them to die.

No.

No, I'm sorry.

(Sunlight).

Yes!

(FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, it's you!

I thought you were Mrs Potts.

What are you doing up here?

I... I was looking for you.

I came to warn you.

Do you mind if I sit
down? I feel quite weak.

What did you want to warn me about?

Your housekeeper, Mrs Potts.

Really?

Do go on.

I'm so sorry, doctor.

You must think we're a
pair of hysterical women.

It's quite understandable.

You're in a highly-charged
emotional state anyway,

then you see an elderly
woman who you think looks...

Ah, Mrs Thyme. Call for you.

Excuse me. Hello?

Hello, Mum. It's Matthew.

I looked into that Mrs Kettle for you.

The police in Norfolk kept
an eye on her for a time...

they knew she was guilty,
never mind what the jury said.

Then a few years later, her daughter
started getting into trouble...

a couple of assaults on teachers,

one of them quite nasty.

Anyway, Mrs Kettle sold up and
moved away... that was 25 years ago.

They've heard nothing from her since.

Ah, well, thanks, Matt. It was
probably a false alarm anyway.

Alicia skipped her probation,
so if you do come across them...

Yes, yeah, I'll turn her in.

What did you say?

I said if you do come across them... what?

What did you say? Alicia.

Alicia Kettle.

Mum?

Oh, my God.

Alicia is her daughter!

This is very disturbing, Rosemary.

I'll say it is.

I think we'll have to confront Mrs
Potts with what you've told me. We?

Now?

Better to get it out in the open.

(PRESSES BUZZER)

Don't you think?

Yes... I suppose so.

They're at Winterbourne Manor.

Yes, she might be. OK, thank you.

They're sending a patrol
car as soon as they can.

This is probably exactly what
Alicia and her mother wanted.

They weren't going to kill
Daniel, oh, no. That's too risky.

Not with a mum with two
dodgy widowhoods behind her.

They were going to drive
him into killing himself.

You know what? What?

That's probably the only reason
she was sleeping with you.

Alicia is my patient,
nothing more. Come on!

If she wasn't sleeping with
you, she was leading you on.

I'm sorry... She wanted to make sure

that the main medical witness at the
inquest was in no position to make waves.

I mean, it is incredible this, isn't it?

Oh, it is, it really is.

Ah, here she comes.

What do you want?

This lady's been making
all sorts of accusations...

Mummy. (MOUTHS) Mummy?

Has she now?

Has she now? That bit
you hadn't worked out.

I knew she'd be trouble.

Deal with her, Mummy.

There's nowhere you can go to, you know.

Go on, Mummy, get her, Mummy!

(SCREAMS)

HE-EEEELLP!

HE-EEELP!

AHHH!

(POLICE SIRENS)

Alicia...

Their problem was that Sam would have
still been in charge of the business,

even after they'd finished off Daniel.

So Mrs Potts was dosing him up at
every opportunity with herb tea,

made from foxglove leaves.

Along with the digitalis-based drug
that Dr Whittaker was giving him,

it probably would have doubled the dose.

It gave him a heart attack
while he was driving.

I'm not surprised
no-one could work it out.

I had to go all the way to the University
of Kuala Lumpur's Department of Forestry.

Apparently it's a fungus
only found in the rain forest.

How did it get here?

As you said, the garden was
remodelled by a Malaysian family,

so they must have imported a few
exotics from their own country

and somehow the fungus came with them.

So what's the verdict?

Well, you're going to lose three trees,

and the rest, including the laburnum,

will have to be sprayed
once a month for six months.

It's a big job because of their size.

But it'll be worth it.

Oh, yes.

And I think I'll keep the
hogweed... a useful reminder.

Daniel, I'm so sorry.

How could I have been such a fool?

I'll never trust anyone again.

She was so affectionate.

So loving.

I know.

Thank God for trees, eh?

Yes, thank God for trees!

Well, we'll call by... a couple of
weeks, see how you're getting on?

I should be up and about by then.

Well, I suppose this is
what they call freedom.

Me without a job and you without a husband.

You know when Daniel said,
"Thank God for trees?"

Mm.

I really felt something, I mean...

trees are not like human beings, are they?

I'm really pissed off with human beings.

You're just pissed off with Nick.

Do you know something?

You haven't mentioned him
for at least half an hour.

That's good, isn't it?

(LAUGHS)

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