Rosehaven (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
Happy birthday!
Oh! Jesus!
Get up! Get up! Let's celebrate.
- Come on!
- Get off. Get off the bed.
Quick! Come on, you're
older now. There's less time!
- Get up now!
- Get off! Get off the bed!
Is someone feeling a bit sad
about their fragile mortality this morning?
I think I wet myself.
What?
You scared me and I wet myself a little.
- No, you didn't.
- Why would I make that up?
You wet yourself because you're
excited it's your birthday?
No. It's because you fired a cannon at me!
OK, don't worry. I've got a plan.
- Just wanna get my camera.
- Em!
Fine.
As your first birthday present,
I promise I won't tell anyone about this.
Thanks. Can you please
leave so I can get changed?
You got it.
Oh!
- Em!
- Fresh sheets for the birthday boy!
- There you go.
- Thanks.
- Don't drink it too fast and...
- Don't say "wet yourself".
...pee your pants.
Sorry. Too soon?
- Yes. It just happened.
- Check.
- So, tonight...
- What about tonight?
Well, I know how you hate presents.
I never said that.
So I am throwing you
one of my patented super-friendship
to the max mega parties.
- No.
- It was going to be a surprise party.
Not anymore. Your pants are safe.
- I don't want a party.
- Everyone likes to party.
Yeah, I'm not saying I don't like to party.
I'm saying I don't want to have a party.
- Come on.
- No.
Apart from Grace, everyone
I like is in this house.
- What about Damien?
- And Damien.
- Mrs Marsh?
- And Mrs Marsh.
- Greg?
- Yeah.
I'm asking you, as a friend,
please do not throw me a party.
As a friend,
I feel it's important I give
you a positive party experience.
Well, as a friend...
OK, can we stop just saying "as a friend"
and just assume that everything we say
has "as a friend" in front of it?
There's nothing to celebrate, OK?
I promised myself last year...
You've got to stop
making birthday promises.
You know everyone else makes a wish?
I promised myself last
year that by today...
...I'd have sold a house.
Ah, OK. Well, you're still working on it.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Happy birthday, Daniel.
- Thanks, Mum.
What was it this year? Grow
a moustache? Go to the gym?
If it was a bedroom thing,
I don't want to hear it.
It was to sell a house.
Oh, really? You're going to do
the thing I've employed you to do?
That would have been nice.
Yeah, well, the day is not over yet, so...
Oh, you're going to sell a
house today. Got any listings?
No.
In my experience,
it's hard to sell a house if
you don't have one to sell.
OK, well, by today, I'll get a listing.
Really?
Yep.
One house... in my name
by the time we close.
I look forward to hearing about it.
I look forward to telling you about it.
- I'll see you in there.
- I'll see...
..you in there.
Good one.
Daniel, you're going to be fine.
I should have said, "By the end
of the day, I'll touch a house."
Just... done. That I can do.
You've got until 5:30.
That's heaps of time!
Too much!
Maybe I can take the batteries
out of the office clock.
She's got her phone, though.
And the sun will go down eventually,
which she's going to notice.
Dan... you're pacing, aren't you?
- Yes.
- Sit down.
Take a breath. It's all going to be fine.
I wish you were here with me.
Yeah.
Maybe you're in for a little treat.
- What?
- Come outside right now.
Are you serious?
Did I get you?
Yes.
Was that bad?
No. I liked it.
- Good prank.
- Sorry.
Yeah, I have to get back to work,
but promise me you'll have an
excellent rest of your birthday.
- I promise.
- OK. See you, Dan.
Bye. Love you.
_
What else can we do?
- Yes, Emma?
- Have party.
I don't want to have a party.
I want to get a listing.
Get listing, then party.
Got it. Come on. What would you
do if you were thinking of selling?
- Call you.
- Thanks.
Anything else?
Try and reconnect with a
friend who had a ute or a van,
see if they could help me move.
What are we missing?
All these take too long.
- What about a garage sale?
- Huh?
You know, garage sale -
empty the place out before you leave.
Oh, yeah. Good thinking.
Maybe there's one on the notice board.
Nice work.
You can thank me in
your speech at the party.
I will thank you over Skype
while I'm home in my pyjamas.
Come on.
Don't you even want to know
what we're doing tonight?
Maybe it's paintball.
Rosehaven doesn't have paintball.
- Maybe it's bowling.
- Or a bowling alley.
Maybe I built one.
- What did Barbara get you?
- Hmm?
Same thing she gets me every year -
$50 and a card.
- No gift?
- That is a gift.
No. That's like a birthday wage.
It's a perfect gift. I can
buy whatever I want with it.
- It's better than a voucher.
- What are you going to get?
I've actually been saving to
go away somewhere with Grace,
just surprise her with a trip away.
Oh, that's lovely.
Still, wouldn't you prefer something
more personal from your mum?
Well, that's what the card's for.
- What did the card say?
- "Happy birthday, Daniel."
That's beautiful.
Has no-one heard of the internet?
"Advanced papier mache class.
No time-wasters."
- Is that possible?
- "Learn to cut your own hair."
Or this one. "Paul has leaf-blower"
and his mobile number, that's it.
No other information. Nothing
about how much, when he's available.
"Has anyone seen my yoga pants?"
It doesn't even say if he's for
hire. Maybe he's just bragging.
Oh, Em, here we go.
Garage sale. It's a bit
of a drive, but it's today.
Great!
I'm going to call that guy.
"Hey, Paul! Thank God.
I need someone with a leaf-blower
who doesn't ask questions."
- Hey, guess what?
- What?
- It's your birthday!
- Yay.
Why aren't you more excited?
Because I don't want to be
reminded that I'm getting older.
I miss when you were young and
doctors would always say stuff like,
"You don't have to worry
about that for ages."
Or like, "Yeah, but
you'll be fine for ages."
And now they're like,
"Yeah, you should probably
start worrying about that."
I'll be OK as long as
my eyes and hands work.
- Everything else can go.
- Why?
- So I can play video games.
- Oh. You'll be fine.
- Men age well.
- Really?
George Clooney is 86.
Judi Dench 35.
Judi Dench looks great.
The worst part is that your
ears and nose never stop growing,
because they're the
biggest features I have now.
- It's not fair.
- What are you talking about?
Your ears and nose keep
growing your whole life.
- No.
- Yeah.
Mrs Marsh is old and her nose is tiny.
Well, it must have been even
tinier when she was young.
If that were true, couldn't
they use the cells from your nose
to work out the secret to eternal life?
I'm looking it up.
Ha. Ears and nose grow as you
age. Suck shit. It is true.
Why me suck shit? You
don't want it to be true.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my gosh.
They don't actually grow.
It's gravity.
The cartilage breaks
down, so they lengthen.
Eugh!
My face isn't going to be
able to hold my nose up.
It's going to slide off my face.
Look at yours. Yours
isn't going to go anywhere.
- Thank you.
- It's a little pixie nose.
How do they stop people
from just stealing stuff?
By selling stuff no-one wants to steal?
- You need to check out these books.
- Anything good?
Make Fate Your Mate:
Pre-Determination
and Its Effect On Interest Rates.
OK.
Embrace The U In Universe.
The Astrological Entrepreneur:
Make Your Business Shine
When The Stars Align.
20 bucks?
What is this guy's job, corporate wizard?
I don't care as long as
he wants to sell his house.
Is that Damien?
Oh, Emma, hi.
Why were you standing there like that?
I was waiting for you to notice.
I had to spin, like, three
times before you were looking.
Oh. Were you following me?
No. Just looking around.
This is like your house, if it was outside.
My house is outside.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Is this new?
Yeah. Just bought it off Steve.
Oh, is that the owner? Whereabouts is he?
Just look for the only
person who gets to sit down.
There.
OK.
Ooh, you should buy a
book to break the ice.
- How about...
- Can you find a normal one?
Um... here's one about the share market.
- Yeah, perfect.
- And how it's affected by moonbeams.
$20 for a
second-hand book is robbery.
You wouldn't pay $20 to dramatically
increase the quality of your life?
Oh!
- Hi.
- Ah, Moon Booms.
A classic. Are you a trader too?
Um, yeah, yeah. I've been, um...
I've been thinking about it, yeah.
Use the moon phases as a
guide only. It's important.
Still do your research into the
company you're looking to invest in.
OK, will do. Um... thanks.
$20, please.
Yes, of course.
Uh, how's it going today?
Excellent. Although, I knew it
would be. Jupiter is in retrograde.
Yeah. Um, listen, I...
..I don't suppose you're
planning on moving, are you?
Well... yeah. As soon
as I've sold the place.
Really? That's great. Sorry,
I'm Daniel, by the way.
- Steve.
- Nice to meet you. Um.
It's... Sorry, I was
just going to say that...
- $20.
- Yes, of course.
Um...
I don't suppose you take card.
Um... I'll be... I'll
be... I'll be right back.
I think you look amazing.
I kind of miss arm holes.
You look like you've just put
your head through a pancake.
Do either of you have $19.10?
No. I have a credit card
with a lot of debt on it.
Sorry, Dan. Spent it on the jacket.
- Great.
- How'd it go?
Yeah, he wants to sell, but I didn't
have enough money for Moon Booms.
Who has cash anymore?
- Buskers. That's it.
- Yeah, but buskers get cash from...
Just go back and talk to him. You've
got birthday luck all over you.
Oh, happy birthday, Daniel!
- Thanks, Damien.
- What did you get him?
- What for?
- Never mind.
There must be an ATM nearby.
No, no. Come on. You've got this.
I'm right behind you. We're on a deadline.
I'm going, I'm going.
No. IOUs on the book, I'm
afraid. I've been burnt before.
Uh... Oh, no, sorry.
Steve, you mentioned you
wanted to sell your house?
Yes. Although if you can't afford the book,
I doubt you'd be able
to match my asking price.
Oh, no, well, I'm actually an
agent with McCallum Real Estate
and I would love the opportunity
to sell your property.
I'm fine, thanks. I'm selling it myself.
Yes, but with my knowledge of the market
and access to several different
advertising strategies,
I know I can get an
excellent price for your home.
How many houses have you sold?
Recently, or...?
Any time.
- Three?
- No, no, no, zero.
No offence,
but I'm not going to pay
someone to sell my house
when they've got as much
experience as I have.
- Yes, but...
- He's a very good salesman.
- Is he?
- Yeah.
OK.
Prove it.
- Sell something.
- Now?
Sure.
In front of your very
eyes, Daniel will sell...
..this to that guy.
My grandmother's epilator?
Yep.
OK.
OK.
Em, do you know what an epilator is?
No. So what?
It's an old, inefficient, extremely painful
hair-removal device for women
with... with no charger,
and you want me to sell this to that man.
How do you know so much about it?
My mum had one. I found
it in the bathroom once.
It's a torture device.
My leg hurts just thinking about it.
Well, you sound like an expert.
Who better to close this deal?
Yeah.
Um, excuse me?
- Yes?
- Hi.
You look like you know your
way around in a garage sale.
I do OK.
Well, I believe in karma,
and I've found a bargain
and I just... I've already blown my budget,
but I thought if I tell you about it,
then maybe something nice will
happen to me in the future.
I appreciate that. What have you got?
I've got... an antique massage...
It looks like an epilator.
It is an epilator.
Listen, sorry, um, can
you please buy this off me?
- I don't want it.
- Yes, I know that.
But that man won't let me sell his house
unless I sell this to you.
I don't need an epilator.
I will give you $10 to take
it off my hands right now.
Let's see it. I don't
actually have any cash on me.
Would you take an IOU?
- No.
- Thanks for your time.
I was so close.
If Emma hadn't have grabbed an epilator...
I mean, there were so many
non-epilator things
she could have grabbed.
Dan, are you rubbing your face?
Yes.
Grace, this is OK, right?
Not seeing each other for long stretches?
Yeah. Uh...
I mean, I think so.
I mean, I don't like
it, but I think we're OK.
Yeah... I mean, it's...
Come on. Let's go.
I'm on the phone.
You're on the clock. Come on.
- I've had an idea.
- I'm talking to Grace.
- Hi, Grace!
- Hi, Emma!
- Let's just go.
- No.
Grace, tell Daniel he can do this.
Daniel, you can do this.
Thanks. That means a lot.
OK, I'm going to let
you guys go. Good luck.
- No, no. Wait...
- Get out!
So how about this? Tell
Steve it's your birthday.
That... that's your idea?
- Make him feel sorry for me?
- Yeah.
But also... you saw those
books he was selling.
He's a spiritual kind of guy.
- So?
- Birthdays are very powerful days.
He'll know that.
Maybe if he thought about it,
he'd see that there was a reason
he met a real estate agent today,
an agent whose birthday it is.
Steve, it's my birthday.
Um... happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm telling you that
because I believe we were
destined to meet today.
- Really?
- Yes.
I was reading the, um...
..The Universe And You...
- Embrace The U In Universe?
- Yes. That's the one.
And just think about it -
I mean, what are the odds
that at the exact same time
you want to sell your property,
a real estate agent
shows up on your doorstep?
You know what? I'm pretty hungry.
- Why don't you take over?
- Um... take over?
If you can sell everything
before I get back...
then we'll talk.
Sell...
...everything at your garage
sale that you couldn't sell
- because no-one wanted it?
- Yes.
What about fate and my
birthday and all that?
Yeah. Predestination
just shows you the path.
You have to choose to walk it.
So now is your opportunity
to make fate your mate,
which is also a really great book
that's still for sale over there.
Look, I understand if you're not up for it.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm up for it.
- Fate's going to... love me.
- Alright.
He's going to be making out
with fate when you get back.
- OK, then.
- Him and fate...
Oh!
There's only one shoe.
That is the last one left.
Because the other one sold like that.
Why would I buy it if
it's got no power cord?
Um, because it saves on electricity?
I don't want fish. I don't need the hassle.
Sometimes it's handy just to have
a glass box filled with water,
like, if your hands are on fire.
Great present for Mum and Dad.
They've already got a toilet roll holder.
Yeah, but when you've got,
um... two in the one house...
..man, that's... that's something special.
You know who likes a pillow read? Everyone.
Stay upright? It's been...
I just think you're
making a terrible mistake.
I think you need this, and, like...
So would you regard this
as the best birthday ever,
or just top three?
It's OK.
All this will be forgotten once
we are partying it up tonight.
Do you want to practise your crumping?
No more party talk. I've got half an
hour left to get rid of this stuff.
Maybe there'll be a
mad rush any minute now.
Do you think Damien'd want the rest?
I know it seems like he would, but no.
He's a weirdly selective hoarder.
I'll buy it.
- What?
- I'll buy what's left.
I've got Mum's birthday
money. I've got my savings.
No way! That's for Grace!
You're not blowing all your
money to maybe get a listing.
What about his overpriced books?
There's, like, 1,000 bucks there.
Yeah, but if I can sell Steve's
house, I can get the money back,
so it's kind of an investment.
Em, can you please just call Damien,
tell him to bring his van over.
I'll put what I can in my
car and go get some cash out.
If we're quick, we can get it
done before Steve gets back.
Fine. But I am keeping...
...this 3-legged horse figurine.
Well, it's technically mine
if I'm buying everything.
Can I have it?
Yes, but it's your Christmas
and birthday present.
Come on!
Wow.
You even got rid of the
good-luck carnelian smoky quartz.
Yeah, yeah, it was... it was tricky.
So, Steve, if you'll just
sign this agency agreement,
we will get your property
out on the market.
You can even choose which colour,
although blue and black, I think,
are the only ones legally binding.
I'll think about it.
What?
I will think about it.
I mean a garage sale's one
thing, but selling my house...
I mean, that's... that's a big decision.
It is, yes.
But it is, um...
getting late so it would be
great to get an answer now.
I will be in touch.
I've got your details.
Thank you. Thank you so much for this.
It's all in the van. How'd you go?
I can't believe I spent all
my savings for no reason.
He said he'd think about it.
- That means no.
- Weird.
It sounded like it means
he'll think about it
because that's what he said.
Yeah, but that's what you say to people
when you don't want to
say no to their faces.
I use it all the time in clothing stores.
Do you think I'm going to look
someone in the eye and say no
after I've tried on two jumpers?
I say, "I'll think about it,"
then I leave and never come back.
Danny's right.
People do that to me all the time.
But then I see them around
town and I remind them.
- Remind them?
- Yeah.
I saw Greg at the pub
last night and I was like,
"Have you decided about
those trousers you tried on?"
- And?
- He said he'd sleep on it.
He's never buying those trousers.
Did you see him?
- Who?
- Steve.
- He just left.
- What? What?
What did he say?
He said he wanted to let you know
he would be interested
in using your services.
- Yes!
- Yes! 5:24pm.
Fate is my mate.
But you weren't here,
so he and I had a chat
and I signed him.
- You signed him?
- Yes.
- Not me?
- You're quick.
You could have called.
I was just down the road unloading
his stuff, which I bought.
The op-shop wouldn't even take it all.
My car is full of good-luck rocks,
which obviously don't do anything,
or this wouldn't have happened.
Daniel, sales is tough.
Sometimes you just miss out.
Oh, yeah, but...
However... I thought you
could take the lead on this.
You're... giving me the listing?
Steve's OK with it.
Figured I'd surprise you on
your birthday for a change,
even though I still
think cash is a good gift.
It's a great gift. Um...
Mum, thank you.
You can thank me by selling the place.
I will. I promise.
Party time!
- Ready?
- No.
- Surprise.
- Oh, wow.
Ta-da!
So no-one came?
No-one was invited.
It's just you, me, drinks,
my iTunes play list,
all your favourite snacks,
and a projector we can
watch movies on if we want.
So no big party?
There was never going to be a big party.
You would have hated that.
I'm not stupid, you moron.
You were listening.
But I thought how much better would it be
if all day you thought it was
going to be a surprise party
and then - surprise! - no party.
Uh... yeah, I mean that's a very
complicated way of doing things.
But, no, Em, this is... this is great.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Also, I did invite Damien.
- I hope that's OK.
- Yeah, of course.
Oh, sorry.
That's alright.
- Hi, Grace.
- Hi!
How's your birthday evening going?
Uh, yeah, pretty good
actually. I got a listing.
Daniel, that's great!
Yeah, thank you. It'd be nice if
you were here to celebrate it, but...
Maybe you should come outside.
Oh, no, Grace, I was joking before.
That's actually a really bad prank.
Sorry, I'm never really good with pranks.
Sorry, what was that?
I said I've never really
been good at... pranks.
Sorry. I had to run the last bit
'cause I was still outside
when it was a perfect part
of the conversation to appear.
- You're here!
- I am!
How long?
There's a research project
coming up next week.
I asked if I could do it
in Tassie. They said yes.
Vomit.
- Hi, Emma.
- Oh, hi, Grace!
- Fancy seeing you here.
- You knew?
Double whammy!
Do you have any idea how
hard it was not to tell you?
- Uh, very?
- Any idea?
I have probably got an
ulcer and you're all like...
Ah!
"You didn't get me a present!"
- Thank you. Thank you.
- "Whine. Listing. Whine. Girlfriend."
This is what happens when you let Emma
throw you her super-friendship
to the max mega party.
Yes, but to be fair,
it would have also been great
if I had known Grace was coming -
would have made the day a lot easier.
Yeah, I would have preferred that too.
There's actually a few times today
I could have used the boost...
You're welcome! I'll get us some drinks.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It's OK.
- This is great.
- Hey!
Very much appreciated.
Paul!
Stop it!
You said short blonde, green jacket.
Yeah, you were supposed
to be here 10 minutes ago
to give her a windswept
look before Daniel saw her.
Well, I was on another job.
And you stood too close. Look at her hair!
I'll fix it.
No! Paul!
No, Paul! Stop it!
Paul, stop! Stop it!
Shit.
Had tons of blackouts when
you were a kid. Don't you remember?
I remember not being a big fan of them.
- Because your night-light went out?
- Yes, actually.
Do you think it's weird she's
never said, "I love you"?
What if Damien is only with me
because we keep doing fun stuff.
Oh, no, Em, there's no way you'd
still be going out if that was it.
We can't see each other any more.
What's up your nose tonight?
This has been a long time coming...
He makes a new birthday promise every year.
Right.
So what's this year's going to be?
Um... I think it's got to
be to sell Steve's house.
Really? I would have gone
with don't wet yourself.
What?
Oh! Jesus!
Get up! Get up! Let's celebrate.
- Come on!
- Get off. Get off the bed.
Quick! Come on, you're
older now. There's less time!
- Get up now!
- Get off! Get off the bed!
Is someone feeling a bit sad
about their fragile mortality this morning?
I think I wet myself.
What?
You scared me and I wet myself a little.
- No, you didn't.
- Why would I make that up?
You wet yourself because you're
excited it's your birthday?
No. It's because you fired a cannon at me!
OK, don't worry. I've got a plan.
- Just wanna get my camera.
- Em!
Fine.
As your first birthday present,
I promise I won't tell anyone about this.
Thanks. Can you please
leave so I can get changed?
You got it.
Oh!
- Em!
- Fresh sheets for the birthday boy!
- There you go.
- Thanks.
- Don't drink it too fast and...
- Don't say "wet yourself".
...pee your pants.
Sorry. Too soon?
- Yes. It just happened.
- Check.
- So, tonight...
- What about tonight?
Well, I know how you hate presents.
I never said that.
So I am throwing you
one of my patented super-friendship
to the max mega parties.
- No.
- It was going to be a surprise party.
Not anymore. Your pants are safe.
- I don't want a party.
- Everyone likes to party.
Yeah, I'm not saying I don't like to party.
I'm saying I don't want to have a party.
- Come on.
- No.
Apart from Grace, everyone
I like is in this house.
- What about Damien?
- And Damien.
- Mrs Marsh?
- And Mrs Marsh.
- Greg?
- Yeah.
I'm asking you, as a friend,
please do not throw me a party.
As a friend,
I feel it's important I give
you a positive party experience.
Well, as a friend...
OK, can we stop just saying "as a friend"
and just assume that everything we say
has "as a friend" in front of it?
There's nothing to celebrate, OK?
I promised myself last year...
You've got to stop
making birthday promises.
You know everyone else makes a wish?
I promised myself last
year that by today...
...I'd have sold a house.
Ah, OK. Well, you're still working on it.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Happy birthday, Daniel.
- Thanks, Mum.
What was it this year? Grow
a moustache? Go to the gym?
If it was a bedroom thing,
I don't want to hear it.
It was to sell a house.
Oh, really? You're going to do
the thing I've employed you to do?
That would have been nice.
Yeah, well, the day is not over yet, so...
Oh, you're going to sell a
house today. Got any listings?
No.
In my experience,
it's hard to sell a house if
you don't have one to sell.
OK, well, by today, I'll get a listing.
Really?
Yep.
One house... in my name
by the time we close.
I look forward to hearing about it.
I look forward to telling you about it.
- I'll see you in there.
- I'll see...
..you in there.
Good one.
Daniel, you're going to be fine.
I should have said, "By the end
of the day, I'll touch a house."
Just... done. That I can do.
You've got until 5:30.
That's heaps of time!
Too much!
Maybe I can take the batteries
out of the office clock.
She's got her phone, though.
And the sun will go down eventually,
which she's going to notice.
Dan... you're pacing, aren't you?
- Yes.
- Sit down.
Take a breath. It's all going to be fine.
I wish you were here with me.
Yeah.
Maybe you're in for a little treat.
- What?
- Come outside right now.
Are you serious?
Did I get you?
Yes.
Was that bad?
No. I liked it.
- Good prank.
- Sorry.
Yeah, I have to get back to work,
but promise me you'll have an
excellent rest of your birthday.
- I promise.
- OK. See you, Dan.
Bye. Love you.
_
What else can we do?
- Yes, Emma?
- Have party.
I don't want to have a party.
I want to get a listing.
Get listing, then party.
Got it. Come on. What would you
do if you were thinking of selling?
- Call you.
- Thanks.
Anything else?
Try and reconnect with a
friend who had a ute or a van,
see if they could help me move.
What are we missing?
All these take too long.
- What about a garage sale?
- Huh?
You know, garage sale -
empty the place out before you leave.
Oh, yeah. Good thinking.
Maybe there's one on the notice board.
Nice work.
You can thank me in
your speech at the party.
I will thank you over Skype
while I'm home in my pyjamas.
Come on.
Don't you even want to know
what we're doing tonight?
Maybe it's paintball.
Rosehaven doesn't have paintball.
- Maybe it's bowling.
- Or a bowling alley.
Maybe I built one.
- What did Barbara get you?
- Hmm?
Same thing she gets me every year -
$50 and a card.
- No gift?
- That is a gift.
No. That's like a birthday wage.
It's a perfect gift. I can
buy whatever I want with it.
- It's better than a voucher.
- What are you going to get?
I've actually been saving to
go away somewhere with Grace,
just surprise her with a trip away.
Oh, that's lovely.
Still, wouldn't you prefer something
more personal from your mum?
Well, that's what the card's for.
- What did the card say?
- "Happy birthday, Daniel."
That's beautiful.
Has no-one heard of the internet?
"Advanced papier mache class.
No time-wasters."
- Is that possible?
- "Learn to cut your own hair."
Or this one. "Paul has leaf-blower"
and his mobile number, that's it.
No other information. Nothing
about how much, when he's available.
"Has anyone seen my yoga pants?"
It doesn't even say if he's for
hire. Maybe he's just bragging.
Oh, Em, here we go.
Garage sale. It's a bit
of a drive, but it's today.
Great!
I'm going to call that guy.
"Hey, Paul! Thank God.
I need someone with a leaf-blower
who doesn't ask questions."
- Hey, guess what?
- What?
- It's your birthday!
- Yay.
Why aren't you more excited?
Because I don't want to be
reminded that I'm getting older.
I miss when you were young and
doctors would always say stuff like,
"You don't have to worry
about that for ages."
Or like, "Yeah, but
you'll be fine for ages."
And now they're like,
"Yeah, you should probably
start worrying about that."
I'll be OK as long as
my eyes and hands work.
- Everything else can go.
- Why?
- So I can play video games.
- Oh. You'll be fine.
- Men age well.
- Really?
George Clooney is 86.
Judi Dench 35.
Judi Dench looks great.
The worst part is that your
ears and nose never stop growing,
because they're the
biggest features I have now.
- It's not fair.
- What are you talking about?
Your ears and nose keep
growing your whole life.
- No.
- Yeah.
Mrs Marsh is old and her nose is tiny.
Well, it must have been even
tinier when she was young.
If that were true, couldn't
they use the cells from your nose
to work out the secret to eternal life?
I'm looking it up.
Ha. Ears and nose grow as you
age. Suck shit. It is true.
Why me suck shit? You
don't want it to be true.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my gosh.
They don't actually grow.
It's gravity.
The cartilage breaks
down, so they lengthen.
Eugh!
My face isn't going to be
able to hold my nose up.
It's going to slide off my face.
Look at yours. Yours
isn't going to go anywhere.
- Thank you.
- It's a little pixie nose.
How do they stop people
from just stealing stuff?
By selling stuff no-one wants to steal?
- You need to check out these books.
- Anything good?
Make Fate Your Mate:
Pre-Determination
and Its Effect On Interest Rates.
OK.
Embrace The U In Universe.
The Astrological Entrepreneur:
Make Your Business Shine
When The Stars Align.
20 bucks?
What is this guy's job, corporate wizard?
I don't care as long as
he wants to sell his house.
Is that Damien?
Oh, Emma, hi.
Why were you standing there like that?
I was waiting for you to notice.
I had to spin, like, three
times before you were looking.
Oh. Were you following me?
No. Just looking around.
This is like your house, if it was outside.
My house is outside.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Is this new?
Yeah. Just bought it off Steve.
Oh, is that the owner? Whereabouts is he?
Just look for the only
person who gets to sit down.
There.
OK.
Ooh, you should buy a
book to break the ice.
- How about...
- Can you find a normal one?
Um... here's one about the share market.
- Yeah, perfect.
- And how it's affected by moonbeams.
$20 for a
second-hand book is robbery.
You wouldn't pay $20 to dramatically
increase the quality of your life?
Oh!
- Hi.
- Ah, Moon Booms.
A classic. Are you a trader too?
Um, yeah, yeah. I've been, um...
I've been thinking about it, yeah.
Use the moon phases as a
guide only. It's important.
Still do your research into the
company you're looking to invest in.
OK, will do. Um... thanks.
$20, please.
Yes, of course.
Uh, how's it going today?
Excellent. Although, I knew it
would be. Jupiter is in retrograde.
Yeah. Um, listen, I...
..I don't suppose you're
planning on moving, are you?
Well... yeah. As soon
as I've sold the place.
Really? That's great. Sorry,
I'm Daniel, by the way.
- Steve.
- Nice to meet you. Um.
It's... Sorry, I was
just going to say that...
- $20.
- Yes, of course.
Um...
I don't suppose you take card.
Um... I'll be... I'll
be... I'll be right back.
I think you look amazing.
I kind of miss arm holes.
You look like you've just put
your head through a pancake.
Do either of you have $19.10?
No. I have a credit card
with a lot of debt on it.
Sorry, Dan. Spent it on the jacket.
- Great.
- How'd it go?
Yeah, he wants to sell, but I didn't
have enough money for Moon Booms.
Who has cash anymore?
- Buskers. That's it.
- Yeah, but buskers get cash from...
Just go back and talk to him. You've
got birthday luck all over you.
Oh, happy birthday, Daniel!
- Thanks, Damien.
- What did you get him?
- What for?
- Never mind.
There must be an ATM nearby.
No, no. Come on. You've got this.
I'm right behind you. We're on a deadline.
I'm going, I'm going.
No. IOUs on the book, I'm
afraid. I've been burnt before.
Uh... Oh, no, sorry.
Steve, you mentioned you
wanted to sell your house?
Yes. Although if you can't afford the book,
I doubt you'd be able
to match my asking price.
Oh, no, well, I'm actually an
agent with McCallum Real Estate
and I would love the opportunity
to sell your property.
I'm fine, thanks. I'm selling it myself.
Yes, but with my knowledge of the market
and access to several different
advertising strategies,
I know I can get an
excellent price for your home.
How many houses have you sold?
Recently, or...?
Any time.
- Three?
- No, no, no, zero.
No offence,
but I'm not going to pay
someone to sell my house
when they've got as much
experience as I have.
- Yes, but...
- He's a very good salesman.
- Is he?
- Yeah.
OK.
Prove it.
- Sell something.
- Now?
Sure.
In front of your very
eyes, Daniel will sell...
..this to that guy.
My grandmother's epilator?
Yep.
OK.
OK.
Em, do you know what an epilator is?
No. So what?
It's an old, inefficient, extremely painful
hair-removal device for women
with... with no charger,
and you want me to sell this to that man.
How do you know so much about it?
My mum had one. I found
it in the bathroom once.
It's a torture device.
My leg hurts just thinking about it.
Well, you sound like an expert.
Who better to close this deal?
Yeah.
Um, excuse me?
- Yes?
- Hi.
You look like you know your
way around in a garage sale.
I do OK.
Well, I believe in karma,
and I've found a bargain
and I just... I've already blown my budget,
but I thought if I tell you about it,
then maybe something nice will
happen to me in the future.
I appreciate that. What have you got?
I've got... an antique massage...
It looks like an epilator.
It is an epilator.
Listen, sorry, um, can
you please buy this off me?
- I don't want it.
- Yes, I know that.
But that man won't let me sell his house
unless I sell this to you.
I don't need an epilator.
I will give you $10 to take
it off my hands right now.
Let's see it. I don't
actually have any cash on me.
Would you take an IOU?
- No.
- Thanks for your time.
I was so close.
If Emma hadn't have grabbed an epilator...
I mean, there were so many
non-epilator things
she could have grabbed.
Dan, are you rubbing your face?
Yes.
Grace, this is OK, right?
Not seeing each other for long stretches?
Yeah. Uh...
I mean, I think so.
I mean, I don't like
it, but I think we're OK.
Yeah... I mean, it's...
Come on. Let's go.
I'm on the phone.
You're on the clock. Come on.
- I've had an idea.
- I'm talking to Grace.
- Hi, Grace!
- Hi, Emma!
- Let's just go.
- No.
Grace, tell Daniel he can do this.
Daniel, you can do this.
Thanks. That means a lot.
OK, I'm going to let
you guys go. Good luck.
- No, no. Wait...
- Get out!
So how about this? Tell
Steve it's your birthday.
That... that's your idea?
- Make him feel sorry for me?
- Yeah.
But also... you saw those
books he was selling.
He's a spiritual kind of guy.
- So?
- Birthdays are very powerful days.
He'll know that.
Maybe if he thought about it,
he'd see that there was a reason
he met a real estate agent today,
an agent whose birthday it is.
Steve, it's my birthday.
Um... happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm telling you that
because I believe we were
destined to meet today.
- Really?
- Yes.
I was reading the, um...
..The Universe And You...
- Embrace The U In Universe?
- Yes. That's the one.
And just think about it -
I mean, what are the odds
that at the exact same time
you want to sell your property,
a real estate agent
shows up on your doorstep?
You know what? I'm pretty hungry.
- Why don't you take over?
- Um... take over?
If you can sell everything
before I get back...
then we'll talk.
Sell...
...everything at your garage
sale that you couldn't sell
- because no-one wanted it?
- Yes.
What about fate and my
birthday and all that?
Yeah. Predestination
just shows you the path.
You have to choose to walk it.
So now is your opportunity
to make fate your mate,
which is also a really great book
that's still for sale over there.
Look, I understand if you're not up for it.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm up for it.
- Fate's going to... love me.
- Alright.
He's going to be making out
with fate when you get back.
- OK, then.
- Him and fate...
Oh!
There's only one shoe.
That is the last one left.
Because the other one sold like that.
Why would I buy it if
it's got no power cord?
Um, because it saves on electricity?
I don't want fish. I don't need the hassle.
Sometimes it's handy just to have
a glass box filled with water,
like, if your hands are on fire.
Great present for Mum and Dad.
They've already got a toilet roll holder.
Yeah, but when you've got,
um... two in the one house...
..man, that's... that's something special.
You know who likes a pillow read? Everyone.
Stay upright? It's been...
I just think you're
making a terrible mistake.
I think you need this, and, like...
So would you regard this
as the best birthday ever,
or just top three?
It's OK.
All this will be forgotten once
we are partying it up tonight.
Do you want to practise your crumping?
No more party talk. I've got half an
hour left to get rid of this stuff.
Maybe there'll be a
mad rush any minute now.
Do you think Damien'd want the rest?
I know it seems like he would, but no.
He's a weirdly selective hoarder.
I'll buy it.
- What?
- I'll buy what's left.
I've got Mum's birthday
money. I've got my savings.
No way! That's for Grace!
You're not blowing all your
money to maybe get a listing.
What about his overpriced books?
There's, like, 1,000 bucks there.
Yeah, but if I can sell Steve's
house, I can get the money back,
so it's kind of an investment.
Em, can you please just call Damien,
tell him to bring his van over.
I'll put what I can in my
car and go get some cash out.
If we're quick, we can get it
done before Steve gets back.
Fine. But I am keeping...
...this 3-legged horse figurine.
Well, it's technically mine
if I'm buying everything.
Can I have it?
Yes, but it's your Christmas
and birthday present.
Come on!
Wow.
You even got rid of the
good-luck carnelian smoky quartz.
Yeah, yeah, it was... it was tricky.
So, Steve, if you'll just
sign this agency agreement,
we will get your property
out on the market.
You can even choose which colour,
although blue and black, I think,
are the only ones legally binding.
I'll think about it.
What?
I will think about it.
I mean a garage sale's one
thing, but selling my house...
I mean, that's... that's a big decision.
It is, yes.
But it is, um...
getting late so it would be
great to get an answer now.
I will be in touch.
I've got your details.
Thank you. Thank you so much for this.
It's all in the van. How'd you go?
I can't believe I spent all
my savings for no reason.
He said he'd think about it.
- That means no.
- Weird.
It sounded like it means
he'll think about it
because that's what he said.
Yeah, but that's what you say to people
when you don't want to
say no to their faces.
I use it all the time in clothing stores.
Do you think I'm going to look
someone in the eye and say no
after I've tried on two jumpers?
I say, "I'll think about it,"
then I leave and never come back.
Danny's right.
People do that to me all the time.
But then I see them around
town and I remind them.
- Remind them?
- Yeah.
I saw Greg at the pub
last night and I was like,
"Have you decided about
those trousers you tried on?"
- And?
- He said he'd sleep on it.
He's never buying those trousers.
Did you see him?
- Who?
- Steve.
- He just left.
- What? What?
What did he say?
He said he wanted to let you know
he would be interested
in using your services.
- Yes!
- Yes! 5:24pm.
Fate is my mate.
But you weren't here,
so he and I had a chat
and I signed him.
- You signed him?
- Yes.
- Not me?
- You're quick.
You could have called.
I was just down the road unloading
his stuff, which I bought.
The op-shop wouldn't even take it all.
My car is full of good-luck rocks,
which obviously don't do anything,
or this wouldn't have happened.
Daniel, sales is tough.
Sometimes you just miss out.
Oh, yeah, but...
However... I thought you
could take the lead on this.
You're... giving me the listing?
Steve's OK with it.
Figured I'd surprise you on
your birthday for a change,
even though I still
think cash is a good gift.
It's a great gift. Um...
Mum, thank you.
You can thank me by selling the place.
I will. I promise.
Party time!
- Ready?
- No.
- Surprise.
- Oh, wow.
Ta-da!
So no-one came?
No-one was invited.
It's just you, me, drinks,
my iTunes play list,
all your favourite snacks,
and a projector we can
watch movies on if we want.
So no big party?
There was never going to be a big party.
You would have hated that.
I'm not stupid, you moron.
You were listening.
But I thought how much better would it be
if all day you thought it was
going to be a surprise party
and then - surprise! - no party.
Uh... yeah, I mean that's a very
complicated way of doing things.
But, no, Em, this is... this is great.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Also, I did invite Damien.
- I hope that's OK.
- Yeah, of course.
Oh, sorry.
That's alright.
- Hi, Grace.
- Hi!
How's your birthday evening going?
Uh, yeah, pretty good
actually. I got a listing.
Daniel, that's great!
Yeah, thank you. It'd be nice if
you were here to celebrate it, but...
Maybe you should come outside.
Oh, no, Grace, I was joking before.
That's actually a really bad prank.
Sorry, I'm never really good with pranks.
Sorry, what was that?
I said I've never really
been good at... pranks.
Sorry. I had to run the last bit
'cause I was still outside
when it was a perfect part
of the conversation to appear.
- You're here!
- I am!
How long?
There's a research project
coming up next week.
I asked if I could do it
in Tassie. They said yes.
Vomit.
- Hi, Emma.
- Oh, hi, Grace!
- Fancy seeing you here.
- You knew?
Double whammy!
Do you have any idea how
hard it was not to tell you?
- Uh, very?
- Any idea?
I have probably got an
ulcer and you're all like...
Ah!
"You didn't get me a present!"
- Thank you. Thank you.
- "Whine. Listing. Whine. Girlfriend."
This is what happens when you let Emma
throw you her super-friendship
to the max mega party.
Yes, but to be fair,
it would have also been great
if I had known Grace was coming -
would have made the day a lot easier.
Yeah, I would have preferred that too.
There's actually a few times today
I could have used the boost...
You're welcome! I'll get us some drinks.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It's OK.
- This is great.
- Hey!
Very much appreciated.
Paul!
Stop it!
You said short blonde, green jacket.
Yeah, you were supposed
to be here 10 minutes ago
to give her a windswept
look before Daniel saw her.
Well, I was on another job.
And you stood too close. Look at her hair!
I'll fix it.
No! Paul!
No, Paul! Stop it!
Paul, stop! Stop it!
Shit.
Had tons of blackouts when
you were a kid. Don't you remember?
I remember not being a big fan of them.
- Because your night-light went out?
- Yes, actually.
Do you think it's weird she's
never said, "I love you"?
What if Damien is only with me
because we keep doing fun stuff.
Oh, no, Em, there's no way you'd
still be going out if that was it.
We can't see each other any more.
What's up your nose tonight?
This has been a long time coming...
He makes a new birthday promise every year.
Right.
So what's this year's going to be?
Um... I think it's got to
be to sell Steve's house.
Really? I would have gone
with don't wet yourself.
What?