Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 9 - We Gather Together - full transcript

Thanksgiving at the Conners brings the usual family strife and hilarity as Roseanne is determined to make her parents stay at a motel and Jackie continues to hide the fact she joined the police.

I'm making.

Well, make it fast.

I want to take a bath.

Forget it. It's occupied.

I need to replace
a couple washers.

Dan, this has been the
hardest week of my life.

I'd like to take a bath.

2 washers, 2 minutes tops.

What's wrong with
using your bathroom?

I can't use my bathroom.

My bathroom has been
taken over by Becky.



Maybe I should come back
later, Mrs. Conner.

No. Go ahead
and do it now.

But as soon as you're done,

I'm going in there
and putting up

the "do not disturb" sign,

which means if the doorbell
rings, you answer it.

If the phone rings, you take a message.

If the house burns down,
you get the kids out.

It's all yours, baby.

Have that burned.

Yes, madam.

Your bath's almost ready, madam.

108 degrees, madam,
just as you like it.

Thanks, fellas.



Oh, look, a sink with a
stopper that actually works.

And you can cool it
with that "madam" stuff.

The name's Roseanne.

Oh, not now, Zeke.

MAN'S SOOTHING VOICE:
Numbers have no meaning.

You look great

and have a terrific personality.

People like you because…

yeah, yeah.

Your bath is drawn, I
shut off the phones,

and Jake's bolted the door.

Oh, Zeke, you're such a mensch.

Hi, sis.

Jackie, what are you doing?

Just soaking. This tub
is terrific, Roseanne.

Do I have to share
everything with you?

No, I'm done. It's all yours.

Thanks, boys.

I wanted a fresh bath.

That's Jackie water.

Roseanne, we can
refill it in no time.

How about a pedicure
while you wait?

Oh, all right.

I see you worked at Wellman?

11 years.

Oh, you poor thing.

Ooh, pamper me, Zeke.

Invasion from Zykon,
invasion from Zykon.

I'm taking you prisoner.

How'd he get in here?

Silence, earthling.

Jake, hand me my star-shooter.

I warned you about disturbing me

while I'm in my bathroom.

Great shot.

Sit down and try to relax.

You try and relax with 3 kids.

Well, 2.

Just breathe.

Something's burning.

Hey, big red.

Darlene, what are you doing

burning your report
card in my bathroom?

Why ain't you in school?

I didn't like the curriculum.

Take her over and strap
her in that desk.

I told you about disturbing me

when I'm trying to relax.

Watch it, studs.

Sorry, Darlene, but
it's death by pop quiz.

Aah!

Miss English!

That's her.

Now blow her away.

Question number one…

what country lies between
Russia and Afghanistan?

Detroit?

What's wrong with the sentence,

"Fred and me are going
to the movies."

You're too ugly to get a date?

Spell symbiosis!

What's the capital of Argentina?

If Johnny has 4 apples and is travelling
at a speed of 40 miles an hour

and has to be in
Florida by Wednesday,

what time should he leave?

I'm melting.

I'm melting!

Detroit. What a dork.

Is my bath ready yet?

Just a few more
minutes, Roseanne.

Maybe I'll pluck my eyebrows.

Becky, what are you doing?

Look at this mess!

Oh, mother.

And turn down that
god awful music.

I'm getting a headache.

I came in here to relax.

I'll be done in 20 minutes.

Look what you have done
to my best bath towels!

So, you can wash them.

I'm bleaching a pair
of jeans in the tub.

What?

It won't take long.

The tub was already filled.

Becky!

That was my bath!

Ohh, I'm going to kill you.

I have a date
tonight with Jimmy.

I wonder what Jimmy would think

if he happened to
show up here early

and catch you looking like that.

Are you kidding? I'd probably
die of embarrassment.

Precisely my point.

Aah!

And she says

I never let her have
any friends over.

It's going to take
just another minute.

Mr. Conner turned off the water.

He what?

Dan!

Ooh!

What are you doing?

One of these pipes
sprung a leak.

I was trying to fix it.

Fix it tomorrow. I want privacy.

What about the pec twins?

Privacy with them.

Over my dead body.

- Deal.
- What?

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to kill you.

Tonight? You know,
tonight's really bad.

The bears are on
TV and everything.

Say! Is that creamed
corn I smell?

About 10,000 gallons of it.

Now hop in.

Hey, boys, keep those
coals nice and hot.

Wait. Have you fellows ever
considered using propane?

We like coals.

But propane's a lot
cleaner-burning…

Dan.

Sorry, babe.

Get in.

I don't want to die.

I've been cooking all day.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- No, thanks.
- Ow, ow.

Whoa!

Well, I think I'll let this
pot set until morning.

Oils and fine fragrances
from around the world.

Ain't you got no Calgon?

Always.

Oh, Calgon, take me away.

Your robe?

Mrs. Conner?

What are you doing here, sis?

Officer Jackie.
You're under arrest

for the murder of your
husband and 3 children.

Cuff her, fellows.

You have the right
to remain silent,

which you would never exercise.

Hey, aren't those my earrings?

Yeah. They're nice.
I borrowed them.

Anything you say is
usually sarcastic

and will be used against you.

Am I ever gonna get 'em back?

No. And since you can't
afford an attorney

because you quit your job,

one will be provided for you.

You know I'm not a
bracelet person.

Can't you take these off?

You killed 4 people, Roseanne.

Oh, that's just like you to
throw that at me, isn't it?

When is my trial?

Right now.

Counsellor, you may begin.

Your honour, the pRosecution
would like to begin

by calling as its first witness…

Miss Darlene Conner.

Objection! You can't call somebody
up there that I murdered.

Allegedly murdered, your honour.

Objection overruled.

You may continue.

Miss Conner, do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth, so help you god?

Yeah, right.

Hi, dad.

Hi, punkin.

Am I in trouble?

No, you're not.

All you need for you to do

is to tell these nice
people over here

just what it was

that your mom did to
you the other day.

She murdered me.

Allegedly.

Miss Conner…

Do you know the
difference between…

Right and wrong?

Yeah.

Right is doing something wrong

and you don't get caught.

Wrong is when you do something
wrong and you do get caught.

I move that this
witness be dismissed

on the grounds
that she's a punk.

Beat it.

Your honour, we would like
to call miss Becky Conner.

I got 2 large pizzas,

one extra cheese, one mushroom.

We gotta move it.
I'm double parked.

Where's my sodas?

You ordered sodas?

You must have talked to Tony.
I ain't got no sodas.

So arrest me.

Take her away!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

What are you talking about?

Order! Order!

The pRosecution would like
to call miss Becky Conner.

Bailiff, this won't
be necessary.

I think everyone knows

Becky always tells the truth.

I object!

Shut up.

Hey, nobody can talk
to my kids like that

except me.

Shut up!

Sustained.

Hi, daddy.

Hiya, princess.

I just wanna say

that I understand
what you did, mom,

but I still think you
should be punished for it.

Because that's the
American judicial system.

Democracy itself is at stake

if we let people get
away with murder.

You know, Becky…

You say that your
mom killed you,

but all she really did

was cause you a little
pain and embarrassment.

COURTROOM: Ooh!

Do you know how much pain

you've caused your mother?

You're thinking of Darlene.

I've never caused
my mother pain.

Your honour, I would
like to submit this tape

made in the delivery room

of Lanford general hospital

on the night of march 15, 1975.

DAN: Push!

ROSEANNE: Aahh!

Push, honey!

Aaahh!

You can do it!

Shut up! I hate you, Dan!

You're never getting near
me again, and I mean it!

You did that, Becky.

Your mother was trying to give you life,

and all you gave her was
excruciating agony.

I apologise, mom,
and I forgive you.

I forgive you, too, mother.

Sit down, or I'll throw
the book at you!

You shouldn't be throwing books.

There are people in this world
who don't even have books.

Oh, really?

Don't you be throwing
stuff at my kid.

The people would like to
call Crystal Anderson.

Would you like meatball
or double cheese?

Double cheese.

You look great, Crystal.

Flattery won't get you
anywhere, murderer.

Your honour, Roseanne had the
best husband in the world,

and what she did
is unforgivable.

Oh, Crystal, you just
have the hots for Dan

and you always have.

Let's cut the crap here.

We all know Roseanne
and what she's like.

She's loud, she's bossy,

and talks with her mouth full.

She curses at people
when she drives.

She feeds her children
frozen fish sticks

and high-calorie sodas.

And she doesn't have
proper grooming habits.

Most important, your honour,

she's married to the greatest
man a woman could ever want,

and she don't appreciate him!

Ahem. Crystal.

Dan Conner is tender,
kind, loving,

loyal, strong, masculine,
sexy, and virile.

And I mean, when you see
him on a summer day,

and his hair's sweaty
around the edges

and the rest of it's fluffed
up and golden from the sun,

and his shirt is clinging
to him from sweat

because he's been
working so hard…

well, he's about the
sexiest man I've seen.

No further questions,
your honour.

Dan, I love you.

Your honour, I say
hang the bitch.

You know, Crystal, the only
reason I'm your friend

is just because I
feel sorry for you.

You had 3 men in your life

and lost them all. And I
have been telling you

the only way to keep a man happy

is to treat him like
dirt sometimes!

Men do not like wimpy
little cream puffs!

She's right.

You're darn right I'm right.

The only reason I say those
awful, hurtful things to you

is the same reason I say
them to Dan and my kids…

it's out of love!

Ma'am, you can step down now.

I'm glad you girls have
settled your differences,

but we still have 4
counts of murder.

Do you realise

the seriousness of this charge?

You could get from
25 years to life.

I got 25 years to life
when I married him.

COURTROOM: Ooh!

Wisecracks won't
save you this time.

It wasn't a wisecrack.

I wanted 25 years to life.

That's why I married him.

I love him.

If you loved him,

why did you kill him

and your 3 beautiful children?

Your honour, all I wanted
was 10 minutes alone

in my own bathroom!

Your honour, in
light of the fact

that these are highly
unorthodox proceedings,

I myself would like to testify

on Roseanne's behalf.

For what purpose?

Why, as a character
witness, your honour.

All right, Mr. Conner.

Tell the court your
feelings in this matter.

Well, the truth is, your honour,

it goes…A little
something like this.

Thanks, drewsky.



♪ How do I feel
about this lady ♪

♪ How do I feel about Roseanne ♪

♪ Frequently my
feelings are confused ♪

♪ What's the word
I'm looking for ♪

♪ Contradictory ♪

♪ Which is not at all abnormal ♪

♪ With a woman and a man ♪

♪ Frequently I'm nuts
about this lady ♪

♪ Frequently I'm
cuckoo for Roseanne ♪

♪ But whenever she starts
in with her complaining ♪

♪ What's the word
I'm looking for ♪

♪ Hocking me ♪

♪ Then, man, I mean
who needs it ♪

♪ Let her find another man ♪

♪ I know how I feel
and it ain't good ♪

♪ You better believe it ♪

♪ You get the picture ♪

♪ But when the mooon ♪

♪ Is in its tropical splendour ♪

♪ When the native rhythms ♪

♪ Hum softly through the trees ♪

♪ It's then I have no
doubt I love her ♪

♪ My god, how I love her ♪

♪ For all eternity ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪

♪ He loves her ♪

♪ Oklahoma, Oklahoma ♪

♪ He loves her ♪

♪ This is not a jokahoma ♪

♪ We love her ♪

♪ All of Lanford, Illinois ♪

♪ Everybody loves her ♪

♪ She's wonderful ♪

♪ You better believe it ♪

♪ We love her ♪

♪ More than it's
possible to love ♪

♪ So when the moon is
high we love her ♪

♪ My god, how we love her ♪

♪ In a way that is
impossible to tell ♪

♪ And we're selling her
as hard as we can sell ♪

♪ 'Cause if you convict
her she will go to hell ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪

♪ She's the one
out of the many ♪

♪ R-O-E-E-A-N-N-E ♪

♪ Body knows she'll
never walk alone ♪

Your honour, my mother's
only happily married friend…

Vonda!

♪ Ain't misbehavin' ♪

♪ That's what we've shown ♪

♪ All that she wants is

♪ 10 minutes in the tub alone ♪

♪ That ain't misbehavin' ♪

♪ It's just the
way some people ♪

♪ R-O-E-E-A-N-N-E ♪

♪ Eternally grateful we'll be ♪

♪ Please, please, please,
please set her free ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪

That is a great number!

Guilty.

COURTROOM: Oh!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

I have rendered my verdict!

But I didn't get a
chance to render.

Your honour, I
didn't get a chance

to render on my own behalf.

That's because you
can't sing, Roseanne.

I can't sing?

Your honour, you must be joking.



♪ Frequently I'm nuts
about my children ♪

♪ Frequently I love
my husband Dan ♪

♪ But when I get
overburoverburdenedered ♪

♪ And I need a little ♪

♪ What's the word
I'm looking for ♪

Emotional rejuvenescence.

Shut up.

♪ I just need about 10 minutes ♪

♪ With no clamour from my clan ♪

♪ Let 'em leave me alone ♪

♪ I'm not responsible
for everybody ♪

♪ Why don't they just
give me a break ♪

♪ Let 'em all eat cake ♪

Get me up!

♪ So when I seek ♪

♪ When I seek ♪

♪ A tub full of silence ♪

♪ A tub full of silence ♪

♪ When I really need to
soak my troubles away ♪

♪ Soak my troubles away ♪

♪ That's when they come
right in and bug me ♪

♪ Oh, they bug me ♪

♪ Emotionally slug me ♪

♪ Oh, they slug me ♪

♪ All I get is ♪

♪ Where's my shirt ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪

♪ A load of laundry ♪
♪ da da ♪

♪ A load of moppin' ♪
♪ da da ♪

♪ A load of workin' ♪
♪ da da ♪

♪ A load of shoppin' ♪
♪ da da ♪

♪ Do it please, do it now ♪
♪ please, now ♪

♪ Do it, mom, do it, Rose ♪
♪ mom, Rose ♪

♪ Do it right, do it good ♪
♪ right, good ♪

♪ Do it fast ♪
♪ do it fast, do it fast ♪

♪ Everyone's coming at Rosie ♪

♪ And Rosie keeps
coming in last ♪

♪ R-O-E-E-A-N-N-E ♪

♪ Eternally grateful we'll be ♪

♪ Please, please, please,
please, set her free ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪

Not only are you guilty,

but I hold you in contempt.

Get me down!

Are you finished in the
bathroom yet, mom?

All done with them
washers, babe.

Mom, I finished my homework,

but I need you to look at it.

Mom, will you make
me a sandwich?

Oh, no. You're all alive.

What?

I just had the strangest dream.

You were in it and you were
in it and you were in it.

You all were in it.

The point is, Dorothy,
you're back in Kansas now.

Yeah. I sure am.

And there's no place like home.

Yeah?

Bull.

♪ We ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪

Officer Jackie. You're under
arrest for the murder

of your husband and 3 children.

Cuff her, fellas.

Cuff her, fellas.

You're under arrest
for the murder

of your husband and 3 children.

Cuff her, fellas.

Cuff her, fellas.

Who is it?!

Mrs. Conner…

What are you doin' here, sis?

Officer Jackie.

You're under arrest

for the murder of your
husband and 3 children.

Cuff her, fellas.

I'm done. I'm goin' home.

Good night, folks.

♪ Please, please, please ♪

♪ Let her free ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Roseanne ♪