Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 6 - Five of a Kind - full transcript

God, I despise teenagers.

- Mom?
- What?

Good.

Ha ha ha!

Shut up.

You ok?

I'm going to kill my boss.

Gosh, he was so
nasty to me today,

like it's my fault he can't
get into north western.

I know what just might
make you feel better.

Me, too, but I bet it's a
different list than what you got.



Why don't you stack them
sandwiches on a plate for me?

I gotta go to Handy J and get chips
and sody and all kinds of stuff.

What sandwiches?

I see flat meat and I see bread,

but I don't see no sandwiches.

Oh, boing!

Did you want me to make
them become sandwiches?

Oh, could you?

Are you kidding? I've been
standing behind a counter

preparing food for
people all day,

and right now there's
nothing more I'd rather do

than make sandwiches
for you, Dan.

Why, then, we're both in heaven.

You know what the beauty part is?
Once the guys get here,



you'll never have to set foot
in this kitchen again tonight.

Why, are you banning me?

Correct.

Then I'm going to miss out

on all that fascinating
conversation

you have during
these card games.

Like, "will the cubs
make the super bowl,"

or "should I use snow
tires or chains?"

Mom, want me to read to you?

Frog and toad?

Yeah.

Hit it.

"I will go to toad's house,

"said frog.

"I will rake all of the leaves

"that have fallen on his lawn.

Toad will be s-su-u-su-u…"

I'll take care of this.

"Su-u-su-u...

surprised."

There. Don't tell your father.

"Toad looked out of his window.

"These messy leaves have
covered everything,

said toad."

Oh, let me!

I'm coming!

Oh, hi, Arnie.

Hey, Rosie.

Where's the man of the house?

He's in the kitchen reading.

Oh, snazzy shirt.

You want it?

Why, you going to give it to me?

No, cut it out.

If you want it, I
want you to have it.

Keep your shirt on.

You just missed out on
your golden opportunity.

Hey, Deej.

Hi.

Buddy.

You got to move, honey,

we're setting up the table.

Ok, I'll go read

to my teenage mutant
ninja turtles.

There you go.

Rosie, let me ask you something.

Be honest with me, because... well,
you're always honest with me,

but most women are
not always honest.

Oh, you mean like most men?

I think men are honest.

That's a lie.

Ok, it's a lie,

but most women aren't
that honest either.

Yeah, they are.

Ok, they are. But
hypothetical situation...

a guy and gal are living together
for let's say 19 months,

sharing expenses on everything,

including storage for a boat

they use 5 weeks
out of the year.

Sharon's pushing
you to marry her.

And sell the boat.

Well, do you love her?

Do I love her?

Be serious. No jokes.

Yeah, I... I love her.

I love her. Yeah.

Then don't marry her.

Why not?

Because, you marry
her, you'll be happy,

and you obviously don't
want to be happy,

or you would have
married her by now.

I'm still unclear about
this boat thing.

Well, you treat Sharon
like you treat your boat.

You love your boat, right?

You want to be with your boat.

You want to keep your
boat forever and ever.

Yeah, but someday I'd
like to get a bigger one.

Just stay with me on this, ok?

So maybe your boat
needs some security.

It needs a dock to
come home to at night.

Maybe it needs a little
rope around its cleat

so it doesn't just drift away.

So what are you saying, we
should split the mooring fees?

I'm saying if you don't
take care of your boat,

it's going to drift away,

and you're gonna
lose it forever.

You're right.

Thank you.

I'm always right.

How did Dan get to be so lucky?

I don't know. Being in the
wrong place at the wrong time.

Roseanne…

You are really a
wonderful woman.

Buddy!

Good old Arnie!

What's going on?

Roseanne, how you doing?

All right.

Hello. I'd like to talk
to officer Jackie Harris.

This is her sister, and
it's an emergency.

I'm a dentist. You wanna
know why your head hurts,

it's because your jaw's
out of alignment.

Next time you put a
finger in my mouth,

I'm gonna bite it off.

Conner, is Nuss playing?

No. Rosie won't let
him in the house.

I know some women who won't
let him in north America.

Let's play some cards.

What? With 4? I'd
win back my ante.

- Since when do you win?
- Since when does he Ante?

Please. You can't play with 4.

What are you talking about?

Guys!

George's number 5.
First ace deals.

G-man, what's going on?

I ain't discriminating tonight,

I'm taking everybody's money.

I ain't sitting next to painman.

What you got in the bag?

Club soda.

I promised my wife I
wouldn't drink tonight.

Beer in the fridge?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Nuss ain't coming, is he?

No. Rosie won't let
him in the house.

- That's a good choice.
- What's the buy-in?

20 beans.

I guess Andy's gonna be
an hour late as usual.

I think that guy's still
on new York time.

"Hey, what'd you guys
do, start early?

"We always start at 7:30.
Danny, am I right?

"Hey, which one of you hot dogs

wants to cash a check for me?"

That's perfect.

I'd rather have Andy than Nuss.

Nuss cheats.

At least he admits it.

- All right. 5-card draw.
- Ante up.

Are these sandwiches?

Yeah, they've been sneezed on,

but help yourself.

Pass.

You see anything, Diane?

I don't know.

What's that huge,
disgusting brown thing?

A meat loaf.

I don't think you
have anything good.

What do you feel like?

I feel like I'm getting a draft.

Amscray.

Mom, we're going to the mall.

Wonderful.

I'm going, too.

- You are not.
- Is, too.

You don't own the mall, Becky.

Yeah.

In fact, I'm gonna follow behind
you 2 feet the whole night,

making disgusting noises. Pbbbt!

Hey-ho! You guys
started already?

Post-time was 7:00.

Come on, Dan. Game
starts at 7:30.

It always does. Am I right?

- No.
- No.

All right, all right.
Which one of you hot dogs

is going to cash a check for me?

Where's my seat?

Here you go. Play these.

Where you going?

Nowhere. I just want to stand.

I can see why.

Night, dad.

Good night, D.J.

D.J., come here.

Go like this.

Hello, uh…

I'm trying to reach
officer Jackie Harris.

Yeah, this is her sister again.

Oh, she did?

Great. Thank you.

Ah, the smell of testosterone.

Will you come and read to me?

Yeah. I'll be up in a minute.

Honey.

Honey…

Could you do that later?

Zak, it's to you.

How much?

- 50 cents.
- Quit lookin'!

Hey, I'm not lookin'.
I didn't see anything.

I don't care... I can't play with
somebody hopping around behind me.

Arnie, are you here to
play poker or walk laps?

Hey, you're right. I'll
go flirt with Rosie.

Hey, what are you making?

Oh, um…

They're napkin holders
for D.J.'s PTA bazaar.

Mom, I'm ready!

Need some help?

Yeah. Here.

Cut about 150 of those.

You coming back down?

No. I got a heliport
on the roof.

Cool.

"No more trees, no more sneeds,

"no more work to be done.

"So in no time, my
uncles and aunts,

"everyone…

”All kissed me goodbye."

Come on, mom.

Oh, sorry.

"All waved me goodbye."

"They jumped into my
cars and drove away"

"under the
smoke-smuggered stars."

"Now all that was left"

"'neath the bad-smelling sky,"

"was my big empty factory,"

"the Lorax, and I."

Good. That's what he gets.

You know what you're
going to get?

What?

A great big smooch.

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

I can't kiss you?

No. I want to kiss you.

I want to kiss you
like daddy kisses you.

How does daddy kiss me?

Like this.

Oh, that was a very,
very good kiss.

Mom, will you read me some more?

You boys can never
get enough, can you?

Where the hell have you been?

What's going on? I told you
I was coming over at 9:00.

Dispatch said you
called like 4 times.

I got to ask you something.

- All right.
- What's going on?

What do you think of
those guys in there

playin' poker with Dan?

Which guys?
You don't even let me

get a chance to look at them.

Ok.

You know that guy Arnie
out there playing poker?

Arnie? Oh, yeah.

What do you think of him?
You think he's an ok guy?

I don't know him.

He works for the water
and power company.

No.

Dan's known him for a long time.

Roseanne! You're not
fixing me up with Arnie.

He's not my type.

Why? Don't you think he's cute?

Oh, I don't know.

I think he's…

Um, sweaty.

What do you mean you
think "he's sweaty"?

He's sweaty.

All men are sweaty.

Well, I think some men are
sweatier than other men.

Maybe that's because
he's a hard worker.

Wait a second. Isn't he
practically living with somebody?

Yeah. He is living
with somebody.

And I think they're
gonna get married, too,

which is what makes
what happened

just all the more weirder.

Ooh, what?

Tell me.

- I can't ya, Jackie!
- Tell me!

I can't because you've
got a great big mouth,

and I really need
to be discreet.

Roseanne!

He kissed me.

Now, don't you think that that

is just a little…

- A little pushy?
- Yeah.

- 6 from hell.
- Ace!

Yeah, because he's Dan's friend.

We were hanging out because
Dan went to the store.

We were just talking. We
started talking about women.

He started talking
about his girlfriend

and how he doesn't know
anything about women,

and before I know it,
he's kissing me.

Wait a second. Was he kissing
you like kissing you,

or was it just like a kiss?

Well, he's kissing me.

Oh!

Well, no. No.

Wait. Wait. Wait. No.

It was just... it was just a kiss,

but it was on my neck, Jackie.

Where exactly on the neck?

Just below the ear,

did he brush your cheek,

or did he move the hair
and then give it to you?

No. No. No. No hair.

It was kind of like...
ok, stand up.

Now put your arms around me.

No. Wait a second.

Ok... you be me. You're over there.

What did you do?

I just stood there. I
didn't know what to do.

I couldn't believe he did that.

I don't know what he did!

I'm trying to tell you.

So we're just standing here,

and we're talking, ok?

So let's just be talking.

So how you doing?

How you been? Nice shirt.

Oh, see? I didn't even
tell you about that part.

Oh, that is eerie.
Oh…That is eerie.

That's what I said to him

- when he came in the door.
- What?

I go, "hi, Arnie, I
like your shirt."

Well, that explains it.

You led him on.

No! Come on, Jackie. Come on.

So I go, "nice shirt."

He starts taking
it off, you know,

like he's going
to give it to me.

- You're kidding.
- No.

How long has Dan known this guy?

He comes over and starts
taking his shirt off?

That's a little strange.

I told you! Let me
show you the rest.

I'm standing here. I'm talking.
I'm you.

So I'm like, "now let
me ask you something."

I'm being him.

Yeah. Ok.

Let me ask you something.

Then we started
talking about women.

I said something sensitive
and meaningful,

like how you gotta treat
them like goddesses,

like the way that Dan treats me.

So, you're lying to him.

Right. So I'm standing
here making sandwiches.

So just make sandwiches.

Now you're making sandwiches.

I go... well, I say something
nice to him, blah, blah, blah.

Well, thank you.

Now you be me. You say,
"well, thank you."

Thank you, Arnie.

"Roseanne..."
he comes up...

"you're the most
incredible woman

"I've ever met in my life,

and I mean that."

Oh, you're kidding.

No.

Everybody, ante up.

Dealer's choice.

Let's go.

What's the game?

7- card high-low,

bust your buddy,

there'll be a 50
cent buy at the end,

and the 7 of diamonds is wild.

What, are we in college?

Never went to college.

Well, I did, and we didn't
play crap like this.

What's the difference?

You're going to bluff anyway.

Hey, Tommy, who smashed
the back of your Buick?

Skidded into a
lamppost last year.

Thought I could get
away with radials

instead of snow tires.

Not with the winters
we got around here.

You gotta have snow tires.

I use chains.

Chains make the car hum.

And they tear up the road.

What do I care? I pay taxes.

So, who didn't ante?

What are you, my accountant?

No, I'm not short enough.

You think maybe should
I have slapped him?

No. I think slapping him

would've been way too much.

Do you think I
ought to tell Dan?

I think it was just a kiss.

Well, I don't do the kind of
volume that you do, Jackie.

This doesn't happen
to me every day.

Ok, don't tell Dan.

Dan will get mad and
start yellin' at arnie.

Arnie will get mad at
Dan, start yelling.

They'll both be yelling,
waving their fists around

and saying stupid macho
things back and forth,

and then he'll never
kiss you again.

Do you think I should
have said something

to Arnie?

I mean, I'm married.

I have 3 children.

You know what? You're right.

I don't like when a guy thinks
he can come up and handle you

like a rubber thong
in a discount bin.

I hate it when a guy kisses me

before I've given him that
unwritten green light.

What's that all about?

Well, you know, a
smile, the look.

You catch a guy's eye,
hold it, and say yes.

It's all done with the eyes.

Well, do you think I led him on?

'Cause I was looking at him.

Well, were you looking
at him like this,

or were you looking
at him like this?

Well, I was kind of
looking at him like this.

Yeah.

Well, that's a mixed message.

Who's he calling?

Helen.

Still busy. Unbelievable.

I'm sure she's fine.

When is she due?

Monday.

Mazel tov.

What?

It's like, um…

It's cool.

Oh.

Cynthia stays on the
phone like it's nothing.

Yeah, Sharon, too.

I think women have an
extra vocal chord.

Want to bet?

I'm just sayin' they talk a lot.

They like to gossip.

I know. You want to bet?

Oh, right.

When I get home tonight, Helen's
gonna put down every one of you,

including your wives.

'Cause she'll have been on the
phone all night with Cynthia,

talking about you and
you… And especially you.

Yeah.

Yack, yack, yack, yack, yack!

It's like a sport.

Then they try to
get us involved.

Like last night Cynthia's
trying to tell me

about Bobby Ericson
and his wife.

That was terrible.

What about Bobby?

They're splitting up.

- You didn't you know?
- Where'd you hear that?

I heard it from Helen.
Cynthia told her.

They've been having
trouble for a long time.

That's right.

Bobby and Judy Ericson?

2 months ago, Judy asked me

to start sending her bills
to a different address.

Think she's shacking
up with some guy?

Oh, she's a tramp.

You don't even know her.

What's the difference?

I think she's running around.

He's had on his track shoes

for a while, too.

I think it was a little
equipment trouble.

No way, man.

Wait a second... Bobby and I
played football together.

Yeah? Must have been
a real close team.

Bottom line...
Bobby's a slut.

Let's face it, guys.

Just because he runs around

doesn't mean that she
can run around, too.

You know, Andy, that's
a real enlightened view.

Sort of a…Duh.

See you later, Rosie.

How'd you do, George?

Oh, I broke even.

Lost 20 bucks, ate 5 sandwiches.

How'd you do, honey?

Great. I won 18 bucks.

Well, great! Another
10,000 nights like that

and you're gonna
have a great year.

Well, I'm outta here.
Thanks for the sandwiches.

Hey, Arnie, need help
with that green monster?

No, I got it.

Good night.

Good night, Jackie.

See you.

Yeah, tell Sharon I said hi.

Ok.

What's he doing kissing Jackie?

Oh, Dan, it was just a kiss.

Well, I guess I
really know men, huh?

Well…

I can see how you might
have mistook that.

Yeah. It was just a kiss.

So what else was I
going to do tonight?

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll see you.

Come and listen to my story
about a man named Jed.

He's a poor mountaineer,
he barely kept his family fed.

Then one day, he was
a-shootin' at some food

when up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude.

Oil that is.

B- b-b-b-black gold, black gold.

Texas "t."

Well, the first thing you know,
old Jed's a millionaire.

His kinfolk said,
"Jed, move away from there.

They say, "California is
the place you ought to be."

So they loaded up a truck,
and they moved to Beverly.

Uh, hills.

Hills that is.

Uh-huh.

Swimming pools, movie stars.

K- e-double I o-double good-

kellogg's best to you.

- Yo!
- Oh, yeah!

You want to bet some
time this year?