Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 23 - Fathers and Daughters - full transcript

Convinced that Dan and Becky's relationship needs some maintenance, Roseanne forces him to accompany Becky to the mall as she tries to bond with Darlene.

Roseanne, do you know dad was
thinking about retiring?

What's he going to do all day?

Stay home with grandma?

You know, I bet he'll
be dead within a month.

Look, if I stopped
you for speeding,

which hairstyle do you think
commands more respect,

this or…

This?

Nah. If you stop
me for speeding,

I'll pull all your hair out.

When did dad call you?



Sunday, when he always calls me.

He calls you every Sunday?

Yeah. Well, no,
not every Sunday.

Mom calls you every Saturday.

No, she doesn't. I call her.

Well, I'm off to fight crime

and keep Lanford safe.

Oh!

Would you get that
thing out of here?

Look, first of all,
the safety was on.

Second of all,

a police revolver
does not go off

simply by being
dropped on the floor.

Well…



A waste of taxpayers' money,

I'm telling you.

That goes in there.

Oh, Dan, some guy named
Walt called you.

Thanks for supper.

Bye.

Walt? When?

A couple of hours ago.

See you later.

Becky, wrap it up.

One sec!

Try jerry Polson.

555-4138.

Yeah. I got to go.

It's the 'rents. Bye.

Thank you.

A really great party
tomorrow night

is turning into the
snooze of the century.

Why, what'd they do…
Invite your dad?

No. First, Wayne
Frankel isn't coming,

and now Richie bower can't come

'cause his parents
are making him go

to some stupid funeral.

Well, maybe somebody
in their family died.

Yeah, but you're right.
A party is a party.

Darlene, how would you

like to make a little
money Saturday

helping on that drywall job?

That kid Walt flaked out on me.

How much?

Never mind how much. Yes or no?

10 bucks, yes. 8 bucks, no.

10 bucks, but we start at 6:00.

Breakfast at the diner?

Diner it is.

Can I finish the dishes later?

I think this needs to soak.

Yeah. I'll do it later.

Dad, how about a little
roundball under the lights?

Sure.

Dan.

Honey, I'll be out in a minute.
What?

Well, that wasn't very nice.

What?

What you just did.

What?

What? You don't even know?

Well, you got two
daughters, Dan.

You know, maybe Becky wants

to make some money, too.

Becky measuring drywall?

[BRITISH ACCENT] That
is for to laugh.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

No, that's not for to laugh.

I mean, you just
ask Darlene to go

and then you just assume
Becky doesn't want to go.

That reminds me of my dad

when he used to ask
Jackie to go fishing

and just assumed I
didn't want to go.

Roseanne, you don't
like fishing.

I like it better than rejection.

I didn't reject anybody.

Becky doesn't like
hammers and saws.

How do you know?

'Cause I tried to saw
her in half one time,

and she started screaming.

What is this all about?

It's about your
daughter who's upstairs

feeling unloved,
unwanted, and alone,

and she ain't even married.

You are completely
out of your mind.

Don't try to change the subject.

She's probably up
there right now,

crying her eyes out.

Oh, golly, Katie
bar the damn door.

Roseanne, forget about it.

I'm not going up there.
This is bull.

Whatever you're thinking,
put it out of your mind.

Fine, Dan. Just do
whatever you want.

Boy, are you…

♪ Jam, pump it up ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪

♪ Look ahead to party jumpin' ♪

♪ Pump it up a little more ♪

♪ Get the party goin'
on the Dance floor ♪

♪ See, 'cause that's
where the party's at ♪

♪ And you… ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ A place to stay ♪

♪ Get your booty… ♪

Aah!

Hi.

What?

Can I come in,

or do I got to get
my hand stamped?

Pump up the jam?

How long were you
standing there?

Just one verse.

So what do you want?

Oh, I want to know
if you wanted to

help me out on that
drywall job Saturday.

I thought you got
Darlene to do it.

Yeah, but I thought

maybe you'd like
to join the fun.

What fun, standing around
some guy's basement?

Well, it's a half-day's work.

I thought you could
use the extra cash.

Is this hinge coming loose?

You're just up here
to spy, aren't you?

No. That's pretty much
your mom's department.

Hey, I know how
you and mom work.

You get me out of the house

so mom can come in
here and "clean."

Hey, Becky, why do you assume

there's some ulterior motive
for me coming up here?

Because you only come up
here for two reasons…

To say good night and
to fix the toilet.

Now it's only 7 P.M.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Toilet's working fine.

So what's going on?

Well, what's going on with you?

This is about the
dishes, isn't it?

No, it's not about the dishes.

It's not about anything, Becky.

What's with this attitude?

I just came up here to ask
you a simple question…

Do you want the job? Yes or no?

Well, if I say no,
can I still go

to the party tomorrow night?

Hey, you can do anything
you want to do.

This is not a trick question.

I thought it might be fun

to spend some time together.

All right.

If you're gonna make
me go, I'll go.

Hey, I don't want
you to do anything

you don't want to do.

If you want to come
along, come along.

If you don't want to, fine!

Fine! Fine!

Was that about the dishes?

Well, was I right?

Yeah, you were right.

You know, I didn't
want to be right.

I was hoping I was wrong.

Well, you weren't.

What happened?

I don't know.

I went up there to
ask her a question.

The next thing I know,

we were shouting at each other.

What were you shouting about?

I don't even know.

You know, I love this old porch.

Like being on the
back of a caboose

that's not going anywhere.

Well, you may not
be going no place,

but I'm going in, 'cause
I'm freezing my butt off.

You just need to spend
more time with her, Dan.

You know, get, uh,
interested in her life.

What am I supposed to do, baby?

Hang out at the malt shop?

Maybe. Hey, if you do,
bring me back something.

Hey, Deej, your fly's open.

Huh?

Dad, 7:00 tonight, don't forget.

Black hawks, oilers.

I'll be there.

The beverages will be there.

The chips will be there,

but, Becky, you won't be here

'cause you're going
to that party.

That's right.

Too bad.

Like I care.

So who's throwing this shindig?

Shindig?

Yeah. It's a word
from the olden days.

Um, it's at Joyce's house.

Oh, Joyce. Yeah.
She's a nice girl.

You never met her.

Well, yeah, but throwing
a party and all,

that's a pretty
nice thing to do.

So, Becky, you think her parents

are gonna spring for a live band

like Billy wall's
parents did last year?

Remember that, Dan, and
the cops showed up?

Boy, I bet that was rad.

So, Becky, who you
taking to this shindig?

Nobody special.

Well, what about Jimmy
melon, spellon…

Mels…

Meltreiger?

Yeah, Jimmy meltreiger.
I like him.

Well…

There… you know,

there was things
about him I liked.

Uh, I didn't love the guy.

Becky did…

Until he dumped her.

He didn't dump me.

Get real. You hit the
ground like a safe.

He dumped you?

He didn't dump me, dad!

I mean, you broke up with him.

Why are you being so nosy?

I'm not being nosy. I
just want to know.

You want to know?

He used me to get to
know Susan Noonan,

and then he dumped me,

and now he's going
out with her, ok?

And now you know everything!

And now I'm gonna be in my room

in case you want to come up

and do a little more spying!

Good.

Roseanne, I can't tell you

how you've helped my
relationship with Becky.

Hey, dad, you ready for
me to slaughter you?

Oh, so now it's your turn.

Is there a big storm
brewing here?

I mean, like, should I split?

'Cause I got to do some baking.

No, it's just the
usual family tension.

You know, this one ain't
talking to that one,

that one ain't
talking to this one.

What did you do?

What do you mean, what'd I do?

How come all the time,
you think it's my fault?

Ok, like, assume
it's not your fault.

So, what happened?

Oh, it's all my fault.

Well, Dan goes over to
Darlene and he asks her

if she wants to make
some extra money,

you know? Well, Becky needs to

make some extra money, too,

'cause she spends more
money on clothes,

for one thing,
than Darlene does.

You know, I don't know.
He just asked Darlene,

and he totally overlooked Becky.

You know, Gary does that
stuff with his dogs.

Like he'll always
favour the collie.

Uh-huh.

Well, this is about me.

I know. Go ahead.

So I get all over Dan. You know,

I tell him, hey, you
got two daughters,

and the whole deal and
everything like that,

you know, so then he goes up

and he asks Becky to go.

And she of course says no.

'Cause who wants to go any place

after your mom makes
your dad ask you?

You know, dogs can sense

when you're appeasing them, too.

Now, try to stay
with me here, sis.

So, anyways, then
we're sitting here

at the breakfast table

and he's trying to talk
to Becky and everything

and he's getting all
palsy-walsy with her,

all this crap.

He's just driving her nuts

'cause he's asking her question

after question after question.

She just finally goes crazy.

Now she ain't talking to him,

he blames me,

so he ain't talking to me.

Nothing to do this weekend, sis?

No, I just don't want Dan

pulling the same kind
of head-trip on Becky

like daddy used to pull on me.

What head-trip?

You know, how he'd
always think of

something really fun to do

and then he'd only ask
you to go with him.

He did not.

He did, too.

He did not. I was
the only one home.

That's why. Anyway,

you were the only one

who could bear to be with mom.

Jackie, you know you're
daddy's favourite.

I am not.

Beer break.

Pee break.

That's how it works.

How do you think I feel, Jackie?

He calls you every Sunday.

How do you think
that makes me feel?

How does it make you feel

knowing mom calls
me all the time

and she never calls you?

Lucky. Honoured.

Off the hook.

Free, thrilled. Elated.

Glad that she's still alive,

but I don't have to talk to her.

Glad that every time the
phone rings, I know…

Oh, all right! All right!

Amazing. 200 miles away,

and your parents

can still ruin a weekend.

Roseanne, Dan and Becky

have a perfectly
healthy relationship.

Not anymore.

Dan spends just as
much time with Becky

as you do with Darlene.

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

Yeah, you have just as crummy

relationship with Darlene

as I have with Becky.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

You didn't even know she
broke up with her boyfriend.

What was the score of Darlene's

basketball game Tuesday night?

Uh…

S…

21, uh…

I don't know.

How much money did she
lose on the super bowl?

What, she's gambling?

A buck and a half
plus a preying mantis

she found at the Lanford club.

What was she doing
in the Lanford club?

You don't know?

I hope she wasn't devastated

by your lack of interest.

Hey, me and Darlene have
a perfect relationship.

Yeah, you trade wisecracks.

Kind of the same way that
mom and I trade putdowns.

I am not like mom.

Me and Darlene do a lot more

than just trading wisecracks,

I will have you know.

We love spending time together.

Darlene, honey…

You want to take a walk with me

down to the store later on?

Gee, I'd love to, mom,
but I rather stay home

and drill some
screws into my toes.

You got to love her
sense of humour.

Where are you going?

To watch the game.

On TV?

No. The bulls and knicks
are actually coming over

and playing in our living room.

You want to help
me move the couch?

Yeah. We'll put
it in your mouth.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm joining you.

Yeah, but you hate basketball.

Yeah, I know that,

but I love my little daughter.

Hey, you want to watch
that Mary hart special?

Seven, mom.

Oh, right.

Hey, hey.

Me and you, we…

Have some good talks, don't we?

Mom, what's going on?

I mean, why is dad at the
mall leeching on Becky?

Nothing's going on.

You're lying.

I'm not lying.

Well, how come you're not

at the mall shopping with Becky?

Well, I was going to
go, but, you know,

I hear there's some
great game on.

Yeah, ok. No, no.
Well, me and your dad

were just checking in
with you and Becky,

you know?

Parents just have to do
that every now and then.

You just kind of, you know,

you knock on the door

and you just have to
shout down there,

"hey, everything ok in there?"

Then you hope for a good answer.

Is everything ok?

Yeah. Now shut the door.
I'm getting a draft.

Is that how you're gonna
get through your life,

just all these wisecracks?

Is that what you're going to do?

Well, it worked for you…

I mean, not that my wisecracks

can even compare with yours.

Different league, you
know, but I mean…

It's cool. You're
always coming up

with this off-the-wall stuff,

and I like it. I mean,
you're not as sappy

as all those other
kids' parents.

Think so?

Yeah, right.

Well, look, how about this?

Is this one a good one?

What?

No, dad.

Listen, you hate
this, don't you?

Of course not.

Be honest. I know
you hate shopping.

Only parts of it,
like the waiting…

The walking…

The searching, the carrying,

standing there like a fool

while someone takes an alarm

off your new pants.

Then why did you come
down here with me?

You could have just
dropped me off.

Why did you feel

like you had to hang
with me all day?

Mom. Mom.

Yeah. You know how

she wants everything
to be just right.

Uh-huh.

She got it into her head

that you and I weren't

spending enough time together,

so here we are… on a spree.

Dad, we see each other all the time.
I mean,

you were even up in my
room a couple of days ago.

Yeah, and you acted like it
was a crime against nature.

Well, that's just 'cause…

You know, you don't
usually come up there.

Yeah, I… I… I know.

I don't know, I
mean, I guess, uh…

We really don't talk a whole lot

about what's going on
in your life anymore.

But I tell mom stuff,

and she pretty much tells
you everything, huh?

Not always.

You know, you can
talk to me, too.

You know I'm crazy about you.

I mean, I'm crazy

about your brother
and sister, too,

but I really adore you.

Dad.

I know. I know.

I'm just saying, baby, you know…

Yo, Conner.

Yo, Dana. What's the haps?

We're like in the
middle of the ultimate.

Who are you here with?

My old man.

Hiya, kids.

[COUGH COUGH]

Oh, hi, Mr. Conner.

So where are you guys going?

Oh, we're gonna go to
check out some tapes

at the music Meister.

Are you trapped for
the whole day?

Well, sort of.

All right. Well,
I'll see you Monday.

Ok.

Maybe I'll call you tonight.

Dana, wait up.

Ok, ok. I won't call.

Just hold on. Look, um…

Why don't we let each
other off the hook here.

You go and shop and I'll split.

We won't tell mom.

Dad, that's lying.

Ok.

Here, buy yourself
something nice,

and when I get home,

I want to hear all the gossip.

Hey, dad.

Yeah?

Thanks for, you know…

I love you.

Yeah, I know.

But here's a 10-spot
for saying so.

No, they don't make rubber.

They get it from trees.

And I already told you
how they get trees.

Wow, mom, you really
do know everything.

Yeah, and I get it
all from books.

Dad, did you know mom
knows everything?

Yeah, that's just one
of the little things

we have to live with
in this family.

Hey, D.J., you know how

they invented
privacy, don't you?

How?

Scram.

I see.

So, how did it go?

What can I say?

I love the mall.

Well, you missed a hell
of a knicks game, boy.

They had about six
billion overtimes.

No kidding? Who won?

So, you and Becky ok?

Oh, yeah, we had a great time.

She looked at
clothes, I watched.

She looked at boys, I watched.

She bumped into
friends, I split.

She's ok.

She loves me, I love her.

What can I say? I'm a model dad.

Boy, I feel like I
ought to go over there

to the department store

and pick you up one of
them "dad" jackets,

you know, with the
patches on the elbows

and everything, ward.

How did you make
out with Darlene…

You know, the daughter
I really like?

Ah, we're fine.

God, I don't know where you
came up with that one.

As you'll recall, I
didn't start this.

Oh, yeah. Well, whatever.

Hi, dad. How's it going?

Yeah.

No kidding.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's real
interesting, dad.

Is mom there?

Is that what you mean

by little things parents
are nagging about?

Yes. Yes.

If they want us to
act like adults,

why do they still treat us
as if we were children?

Maybe we should talk to them.

Every time they nag us,

we should tell them

we're not children anymore.

Talking won't help.

But maybe if johnny would
do what his mother

wants him to do and
wear his rubbers

when it's rainy
or muddy outside.

But gee, we can't
always be perfect.

Sometimes I just don't
feel like eating

hot cereal for breakfast.

We sure can't. We
can't always do

what they tell us to do.

Well, that's true,
but being an adult

doesn't mean being
perfect either.

Being an adult does mean
thinking out reasons

for and against eating certain
foods, wearing rubbers,

sitting like a ramrod.

Once you learn that what
your parents ask you to do

is for your own good,

you'll be able to accept it.