Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 22 - April Fool's Day - full transcript
The countdown to the deadline for filing their tax returns finds Dan and Roseanne running around in circles trying to get it done in time.
This is nuts.
More coffee, honey?
Hey, take my word for it.
By midnight tonight, the
taxes will be filed
and all this will be behind us…
The tension, the
anxiety, the fraud.
A stupid system run
by stupid people,
thought up by stupid people,
hired by stupid people.
Who were elected by
even stupider people.
Why can't everybody
just pay a flat
percentage, you know?
You know, that's a great idea.
Maybe this year
instead of filing,
you ought to go
change the tax laws.
It makes more sense than this.
This stuff's so complicated,
nobody can understand it.
Well, maybe we could have found
somebody to explain it to us
if you didn't wait
till the last minute.
Don't. Don't. Don't start
laying this off on me.
I'm not saying nothing.
'Course it is on you
because you did
go and wait till
the last minute.
You know, if you wanted to
get the taxes done earlier,
you could've started getting
stuff together yourself.
Well, I'm so glad that
you brought that up,
honey, because I did.
I got all my w-2s and
all my receipts.
They're all added up,
catalogued, put together,
and ready to go.
No kidding?
You're all done?
No. I just wanted to see
the look on your face.
You know, I thought I'd try
to keep it light, you know.
So this is how you're
trying to be helpful,
by telling jokes?
No. Just till midnight.
I will tell one
show-stopper at 11:59,
you ought to sit down here
and try to figure
these taxes out.
Why, no problem.
You want to do the taxes?
You want me to?
Oh, do the taxes.
I'd be happy to.
Please do the taxes.
Why, allow me.
Ok.
What's the matter, Roseanne?
Nothing.
So, what?
You're… You're at line 12.
Business income.
We just tell them
it's none of their business.
You know, this is
really one time
where I think being a woman
is really going to come
in handy, you know,
because, you know, us women
read and comprehend instructions
so much better than
you men, as you know.
So that is what
I will be doing right now, huh?
I will be looking and reading
the instructions for line 12.
Ok.
Line 10, line 11,
line 13 and 14.
There is no line 12.
Why isn't there any line 12?
I'll check the back for line 12.
C. Ah, schedule C.
Aha. Now we're in the money.
Schedule C, E, F, E.
E…
Schedule C.
See? Schedule C.
See this.
15 hours and counting, Einstein.
Ok.
"If line 67 is $500 or more
"and more than 10% of the tax
"shown on your return
or you underpaid
"your 1989 estimated
tax liability
for any payment period,
you may owe a penalty."
Right.
So, ok, I give up.
What language is this?
Fiduciary Esperanto.
Well, they couldn't go
put something in here
that like nobody on
earth could understand.
They wouldn't do that.
They wouldn't do that. Ok. Ok.
"If line 67 is $500 or
more and more than…"
oh. Oh, oh.
"If line 67 is $500 or more…"
"And more than 10% of the tax…"
Oh, then… then…
Then your husband must, by law,
complete the taxes.
Hey, Becky, how much money
do you think mom and
dad made last year?
I don't know, but
I once heard mom
saying to aunt Jackie that
this house cost them 30,000,
and they bought it
this house years ago,
so if they could afford
to spend that much then,
they're probably making
three times that much now.
$90,000?
Oh, my god!
Way off.
Way, way off.
So how much did you make?
Way off.
Mom, how much money did
you guys make last year?
Dad doesn't want to tell us.
That's 'cause he don't know.
Besides, it's not polite
to go asking people
how much money they make.
Even if it's your own parents?
Especially if it's
your own parents.
I mean, just generally,
how much does someone
with a job make?
It depends on the job.
Say she worked shampooing heads
and gossiping all day.
Well, then, she would
probably be paid
very, very well, but, you know,
mostly in the form of cash tips,
which she would of course pocket
and then not tell anyone about,
including her husband
and three wonderful children.
So, in other words, you're
not gonna tell us either.
Now, look, your dad and I
made enough money last year
to live very, very well…
For six months.
And then we juggled.
What do you mean, you juggled?
Ok, you know how when you borrow
a quarter from Becky
and you can't pay her back,
so then you come borrow
a dollar from me,
and then I go and deduct it
from your next week's allowance?
Yeah, and then next week
when my allowance is only $4.00,
I can't get into the movies.
Right. So then you just
go in and swipe a buck
out of my purse, you know,
like you always do.
You mean, you guys steal money?
No, no. We don't
need to steal money.
We have credit. Go to school.
Yeah. What do you think
we're paying taxes for?
Do you guys cheat
on your income tax?
Absolutely not.
Sis!
Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Is he tearing the
house apart yet?
Not yet, but it's early.
Has he started in on his speech
about moving to an
island in the pacific
and never paying taxes again?
Not yet.
Well, so far so good.
So far.
Except for the yakking.
I have been dreading
this for weeks.
You know how crummy my math is.
Well, no sweat.
D.J. Will be home by 3:00.
Very funny, Roseanne.
I think I can manage
to do my own taxes
despite what certain
men might think.
Hey, you just said yourself
that you're no good at math.
I know. I'm self-conscious
as it is about my math.
I don't need to be hearing
about it from my boyfriend.
He tells me that he loves me
and then he criticises my math.
He said maybe he should
look over my form,
you know, like I
can't handle it.
Do you mind?
Come on, sis. Let's go
in the living room.
He's taken over the
main ballroom here.
The adding machine stays.
Just these two numbers together.
Look, what's 14,173.80
plus 1,319.16… Roughly?
Thanks. Great.
What?
You just messed me all up here.
Well, sorry. But just real quick.
14,173… ok.
Do it.
Do it!
Ok.
Oh, that's not right.
That can't be right.
Oh, let me.
Here. This on the top…
14,173.80
plus the 1,3…
Thanks, Dan.
Good.
Yeah, now, see, that's
closer to the total.
Ok, ok, ok.
What's going on
between you and Gary?
Oh…
Nothing.
Oh, yes, there is and
you're dying to tell me.
Nothing's going on.
Spill it.
He thinks he's so smart
and I can't handle anything
that requires a
little simple math.
Well, I told you
not to do any math
in front of him till
after you're married.
Roseanne? Well, Gary said
he didn't mean it like that,
and I know exactly the way
he meant it, Roseanne.
A woman can tell that.
He hates my math.
Roseanne!
What?
I need your 1099 for that
magazine subscription job.
I didn't get one.
What do you mean,
you didn't get one?
I mean I did not get one
as opposed to I did get one.
You know, therefore,
I do not have one
as opposed to I have one.
You didn't get a 1099?
See, now there's some
communication happening.
Roseanne.
No, I didn't get a 1099, honey,
but I didn't need one
because you got to make
something like 600 bucks
or something like that to
even get one, you know.
That's the rule. Says who?
Says god. I don't know.
It's just the rule.
You know this for a fact?
Yeah.
You asked someone? Yes.
Who?
Jackie.
Jackie's wrong.
Everybody gets a 1099.
D.J. Didn't get one,
so not everybody.
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
This isn't a joke.
I need that 1099 or we're dead.
I didn't get any kind of 1099
'cause I'm not supposed
to get any kind of 1099,
but here's what I'm
going to do for you.
I'm calling up the IRS right now
and I'm going to ask them
just to make absolutely,
positively sure
that I don't need no 1099.
Oh, Roseanne, get real.
It's tax day.
You're never gonna get
through to the IRS.
It's busy.
Great. What are we gonna do?
Well, I don't know.
Just go ahead and do
everything else, you know,
and then we'll worry about
the 1099 thing later.
What later?
Later when?
Ok, ok, yeah, we are kind
of all out of later.
But… I mean, it's
no big deal, ok?
They didn't mail me
any kind of 1099,
so how can we
declare the income?
It's not our fault.
I'm done.
Hey.
Hey.
You're messing with the Feds.
Hey, you're the one who told me
when we was in the car
coming back from shopping…
You're the one that says
I shouldn't get one.
Oh, I thought you were
talking about a wig.
A wig?
You are really,
really getting on my
nerves today, man!
I mean, more than usual.
Ok. What if she is
supposed to get a 1099
and it got lost in the mail?
And then the IRS is going
to check her on it,
and you guys are gonna
have to have an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
And they don't go back
for one year, you know.
They can go back like
six years to audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
And if you can't
document every single,
solitary deduction for
the last six years,
you got to pay.
And not only the adjusted tax,
but the penalties
and the interest.
And in order to make
sure that you pay,
they can freeze
your bank account.
They can garnish your wages.
They can auction off
your furniture.
They auction our furniture?
Let's not file, for sure.
Come on, Roseanne.
What are we gonna
do about this 1099?
I ain't in no mood for an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I think we should get
out of this house.
Just go down to the IRS
and ask them in person.
No, no, I can't. No way. No way.
I can't go down
to that building.
It gives me the creeps.
I just know I'm gonna take
one of those snotty
little IRS guys
and throw him through a window.
Well, that would not
be smart, honey,
because then we would
definitely get an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Can I help you?
I guess we'll find
out, won't we?
Do you want to go ahead
and get the phone first?
[RING]
I guess I'm not a
phone person either.
Yeah, if people want
to talk to you,
they better come down here
and stand in line all day, huh?
Honey, honey,
the gentleman's
waiting to help us.
Alien tax clearance?
No. 1099.
Counter four.
Next, please. Just step aside.
Let's keep the line moving.
Mister, that's a real long line,
and we're kind of
pressed for time.
I was, you know, just
wondering if, uh…
Guess not.
♪ Put your right leg in ♪
♪ You put your right leg out ♪
♪ You put your right leg in ♪
♪ And you shake it all about ♪
♪ You do the hokey pokey… ♪
Please remain behind
the yellow line, sir.
Hey, look, doll face,
I got form 4255 here, entitled,
"recapture of investment credits
"for disposal or changed
use of investment property
before the end of
its useful life."
Do you have anything sharp
I could stick in my eye?
Do I include form 8611
for reduction in quality
basis of property
and put the total on line 50
or do I list them separately?
I'll get the supervisor.
I think the wise thing
would be to go down
to your local IRS office.
If I'd kept my last job,
I could've been on
vacation in Florida.
Please step behind
the yellow line.
Sorry. It's not like we're
gonna hit you or nothing.
What do you need?
Ok. How much do you got to
earn to be mailed a 1099?
1099.
Um, that's income from gambling?
No. No, it isn't.
Pension income?
[IMITATING A BUZZER]
Time's up, Denise.
I'm sure this instruction book
will help, ok? Uh-huh.
Well, I've read this book,
and it is fabulous,
but I would like
some information.
See, I'd wager
that's why they call this
the information line.
I'm sorry, sir,
but I've only been
here for two weeks.
Well, so have we.
Look, please, we've
been extremely busy.
This is our busiest
day of the year.
I'm sure you can understand.
I mean, I've been here
since 7:30 this morning.
I never got lunch,
and they don't even have
fresh coffee back here.
Maybe one of your
colleagues could help us.
Ed, do you know
anything about a 1099?
1099r… pensions and annuities.
No, Ed.
1099 income.
Income, Ed.
Counter four.
Is there anyone else?
Anyone?
I'll get the supervisor.
Why, next year we're
starting in June.
Next year we ain't gonna file.
Then we'll go to prison.
Of course, I bet you don't
have to file from prison.
What's the problem?
Well, nobody in your whole
operation here seems to know
how much I have to earn
to get mailed a 1099.
What were your earnings?
400 bucks.
An employer is only required
to send you a 1099
if you earned $600 or more.
600? Really?
Why couldn't you guys
have that written
down somewhere?
We do. We have detailed
instruction books
which can be easily
understood by people
with at least an eighth
grade education,
but of course we have to rely
on cooperative citizens
such as yourselves
taking the time to read them.
No, see, I did read this book,
and there's nothing in
here about no 1099.
You show me where it says
anything in there about a 1099.
Well, that's the one
page I skipped.
That's that page 34.
Page 34.
Yeah, so it's our fault.
I'm not saying it's
anyone's fault, ma'am,
but the answer is
there in writing.
Sorry, there are no pictures.
You're really funny, you know?
You should have a cover charge
to get in this joint.
You know, if more people
would take the time
to read these simple
instructions,
they wouldn't have
to come down here
and ask stupid questions,
and then maybe these lines
wouldn't be so long.
So long.
Hey, hey. Hey, listen,
you pencil-pushing geek.
I really didn't come down here
to stand in line all day
to put up with your
condescending,
snotty little
attitude, you know?
I mean, I'm sure it is
a pain in your butt
to answer our unimportant
little questions,
but that is your job, isn't it?
And you are paid
with our tax money.
Ok, honey, come on.
No, Dan.
This stuff is impossible
to understand…
These laws and
explanations of laws.
No human being can really
understand these things.
You know, that's why
you got to go get
some $200-an-hour lawyer
to even explain the
crap to you, you know?
And I can't afford $200 an hour.
Yeah. Yeah.
We don't write the
stinking laws!
You got a complaint,
talk to the idiots
in Washington!
Ed!
Well, maybe I should. I mean,
us people, the poor people,
and us regular people,
we're paying more taxes
than the rich people
because they got
all their lawyers
to figure out the loopholes.
I want to find loopholes.
Yeah!
Let's go.
I mean, we give you our money
and then you like
totally mismanage it
worse than we ever could anyhow.
I mean, the government is
something like $3
trillion in debt.
I mean, I think I saw
that on Donahue.
It's like 3 trillion…
That would be like if you're
making $15,000 a year, ok?
So you run up your mastercharge
to like 50 grand.
Then, can you even imagine?
Your monthly bill would
be like $5,000 a month.
I mean, it's insane.
The whole thing is insane.
I mean,
someday us regular people,
we ought to get smart, you
know, and audit them.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry, ma'am, uh, I
didn't get your name.
You don't need her name.
Come on.
No, Dan.
I'm not going to be intimidated
by that little weasel.
Honey, this isn't the
unemployment office.
No, no. I have nothing to hide.
Excuse me, rabbi.
I am not afraid to
tell you my name.
It's Wagner with a "W."
All right.
Yeah.
Mrs. Norris T. Wagner.
Mrs. Norris T. Wagner.
Come, Norris.
Yes, dear.
Presenting, new for 1989,
your income tax return.
Pages and pages
of fabulous print
on our own high-quality bond,
brought to you by the
united states government.
Ah.
Your pen… a bic clic…
Retailing for 98 cents,
available at the bottom
of any of one of
mom's pocketbooks.
Thank you, Vanna.
And now…
Wagner.
Move it out.
All right. Jackets.
So did you guys cheat?
Yeah. Rich people rip
off the government.
Why shouldn't we?
Oh, where did you get that?
Off of one of your Dylan albums.
Nobody cheated. Get in the car.
Hope you don't get an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi. I'm John Goodman. Thank you.
What you've just
seen was a play,
a silly little play
chock-full of jokes
and just for fun, just
for your entertainment.
I personally have nothing
but the utmost respect
for the internal revenue service
and all of its dedicated workers
because, you know, it's
the great guys and gals
at the IRS that keep
America rolling.
See, it's like this.
I got a contract with
a production company,
and they hire writers
who put words in my mouth.
For example, early
in the show I go…
It was my job to say…
"it's a stupid system
run by stupid people,"
right? Like I believe that.
As a matter of fact,
I don't believe anything
I said on the show.
It was my job as an actor.
So I beg you, please
do not confuse
hard-working, responsible,
taxpaying John Goodman
with that lovable but
naughty scamp Dan Conner.
So, to the men and
women at the IRS,
my hat's off to you.
Good night. God bless.
More coffee, honey?
Hey, take my word for it.
By midnight tonight, the
taxes will be filed
and all this will be behind us…
The tension, the
anxiety, the fraud.
A stupid system run
by stupid people,
thought up by stupid people,
hired by stupid people.
Who were elected by
even stupider people.
Why can't everybody
just pay a flat
percentage, you know?
You know, that's a great idea.
Maybe this year
instead of filing,
you ought to go
change the tax laws.
It makes more sense than this.
This stuff's so complicated,
nobody can understand it.
Well, maybe we could have found
somebody to explain it to us
if you didn't wait
till the last minute.
Don't. Don't. Don't start
laying this off on me.
I'm not saying nothing.
'Course it is on you
because you did
go and wait till
the last minute.
You know, if you wanted to
get the taxes done earlier,
you could've started getting
stuff together yourself.
Well, I'm so glad that
you brought that up,
honey, because I did.
I got all my w-2s and
all my receipts.
They're all added up,
catalogued, put together,
and ready to go.
No kidding?
You're all done?
No. I just wanted to see
the look on your face.
You know, I thought I'd try
to keep it light, you know.
So this is how you're
trying to be helpful,
by telling jokes?
No. Just till midnight.
I will tell one
show-stopper at 11:59,
you ought to sit down here
and try to figure
these taxes out.
Why, no problem.
You want to do the taxes?
You want me to?
Oh, do the taxes.
I'd be happy to.
Please do the taxes.
Why, allow me.
Ok.
What's the matter, Roseanne?
Nothing.
So, what?
You're… You're at line 12.
Business income.
We just tell them
it's none of their business.
You know, this is
really one time
where I think being a woman
is really going to come
in handy, you know,
because, you know, us women
read and comprehend instructions
so much better than
you men, as you know.
So that is what
I will be doing right now, huh?
I will be looking and reading
the instructions for line 12.
Ok.
Line 10, line 11,
line 13 and 14.
There is no line 12.
Why isn't there any line 12?
I'll check the back for line 12.
C. Ah, schedule C.
Aha. Now we're in the money.
Schedule C, E, F, E.
E…
Schedule C.
See? Schedule C.
See this.
15 hours and counting, Einstein.
Ok.
"If line 67 is $500 or more
"and more than 10% of the tax
"shown on your return
or you underpaid
"your 1989 estimated
tax liability
for any payment period,
you may owe a penalty."
Right.
So, ok, I give up.
What language is this?
Fiduciary Esperanto.
Well, they couldn't go
put something in here
that like nobody on
earth could understand.
They wouldn't do that.
They wouldn't do that. Ok. Ok.
"If line 67 is $500 or
more and more than…"
oh. Oh, oh.
"If line 67 is $500 or more…"
"And more than 10% of the tax…"
Oh, then… then…
Then your husband must, by law,
complete the taxes.
Hey, Becky, how much money
do you think mom and
dad made last year?
I don't know, but
I once heard mom
saying to aunt Jackie that
this house cost them 30,000,
and they bought it
this house years ago,
so if they could afford
to spend that much then,
they're probably making
three times that much now.
$90,000?
Oh, my god!
Way off.
Way, way off.
So how much did you make?
Way off.
Mom, how much money did
you guys make last year?
Dad doesn't want to tell us.
That's 'cause he don't know.
Besides, it's not polite
to go asking people
how much money they make.
Even if it's your own parents?
Especially if it's
your own parents.
I mean, just generally,
how much does someone
with a job make?
It depends on the job.
Say she worked shampooing heads
and gossiping all day.
Well, then, she would
probably be paid
very, very well, but, you know,
mostly in the form of cash tips,
which she would of course pocket
and then not tell anyone about,
including her husband
and three wonderful children.
So, in other words, you're
not gonna tell us either.
Now, look, your dad and I
made enough money last year
to live very, very well…
For six months.
And then we juggled.
What do you mean, you juggled?
Ok, you know how when you borrow
a quarter from Becky
and you can't pay her back,
so then you come borrow
a dollar from me,
and then I go and deduct it
from your next week's allowance?
Yeah, and then next week
when my allowance is only $4.00,
I can't get into the movies.
Right. So then you just
go in and swipe a buck
out of my purse, you know,
like you always do.
You mean, you guys steal money?
No, no. We don't
need to steal money.
We have credit. Go to school.
Yeah. What do you think
we're paying taxes for?
Do you guys cheat
on your income tax?
Absolutely not.
Sis!
Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Is he tearing the
house apart yet?
Not yet, but it's early.
Has he started in on his speech
about moving to an
island in the pacific
and never paying taxes again?
Not yet.
Well, so far so good.
So far.
Except for the yakking.
I have been dreading
this for weeks.
You know how crummy my math is.
Well, no sweat.
D.J. Will be home by 3:00.
Very funny, Roseanne.
I think I can manage
to do my own taxes
despite what certain
men might think.
Hey, you just said yourself
that you're no good at math.
I know. I'm self-conscious
as it is about my math.
I don't need to be hearing
about it from my boyfriend.
He tells me that he loves me
and then he criticises my math.
He said maybe he should
look over my form,
you know, like I
can't handle it.
Do you mind?
Come on, sis. Let's go
in the living room.
He's taken over the
main ballroom here.
The adding machine stays.
Just these two numbers together.
Look, what's 14,173.80
plus 1,319.16… Roughly?
Thanks. Great.
What?
You just messed me all up here.
Well, sorry. But just real quick.
14,173… ok.
Do it.
Do it!
Ok.
Oh, that's not right.
That can't be right.
Oh, let me.
Here. This on the top…
14,173.80
plus the 1,3…
Thanks, Dan.
Good.
Yeah, now, see, that's
closer to the total.
Ok, ok, ok.
What's going on
between you and Gary?
Oh…
Nothing.
Oh, yes, there is and
you're dying to tell me.
Nothing's going on.
Spill it.
He thinks he's so smart
and I can't handle anything
that requires a
little simple math.
Well, I told you
not to do any math
in front of him till
after you're married.
Roseanne? Well, Gary said
he didn't mean it like that,
and I know exactly the way
he meant it, Roseanne.
A woman can tell that.
He hates my math.
Roseanne!
What?
I need your 1099 for that
magazine subscription job.
I didn't get one.
What do you mean,
you didn't get one?
I mean I did not get one
as opposed to I did get one.
You know, therefore,
I do not have one
as opposed to I have one.
You didn't get a 1099?
See, now there's some
communication happening.
Roseanne.
No, I didn't get a 1099, honey,
but I didn't need one
because you got to make
something like 600 bucks
or something like that to
even get one, you know.
That's the rule. Says who?
Says god. I don't know.
It's just the rule.
You know this for a fact?
Yeah.
You asked someone? Yes.
Who?
Jackie.
Jackie's wrong.
Everybody gets a 1099.
D.J. Didn't get one,
so not everybody.
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
This isn't a joke.
I need that 1099 or we're dead.
I didn't get any kind of 1099
'cause I'm not supposed
to get any kind of 1099,
but here's what I'm
going to do for you.
I'm calling up the IRS right now
and I'm going to ask them
just to make absolutely,
positively sure
that I don't need no 1099.
Oh, Roseanne, get real.
It's tax day.
You're never gonna get
through to the IRS.
It's busy.
Great. What are we gonna do?
Well, I don't know.
Just go ahead and do
everything else, you know,
and then we'll worry about
the 1099 thing later.
What later?
Later when?
Ok, ok, yeah, we are kind
of all out of later.
But… I mean, it's
no big deal, ok?
They didn't mail me
any kind of 1099,
so how can we
declare the income?
It's not our fault.
I'm done.
Hey.
Hey.
You're messing with the Feds.
Hey, you're the one who told me
when we was in the car
coming back from shopping…
You're the one that says
I shouldn't get one.
Oh, I thought you were
talking about a wig.
A wig?
You are really,
really getting on my
nerves today, man!
I mean, more than usual.
Ok. What if she is
supposed to get a 1099
and it got lost in the mail?
And then the IRS is going
to check her on it,
and you guys are gonna
have to have an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
And they don't go back
for one year, you know.
They can go back like
six years to audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
And if you can't
document every single,
solitary deduction for
the last six years,
you got to pay.
And not only the adjusted tax,
but the penalties
and the interest.
And in order to make
sure that you pay,
they can freeze
your bank account.
They can garnish your wages.
They can auction off
your furniture.
They auction our furniture?
Let's not file, for sure.
Come on, Roseanne.
What are we gonna
do about this 1099?
I ain't in no mood for an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I think we should get
out of this house.
Just go down to the IRS
and ask them in person.
No, no, I can't. No way. No way.
I can't go down
to that building.
It gives me the creeps.
I just know I'm gonna take
one of those snotty
little IRS guys
and throw him through a window.
Well, that would not
be smart, honey,
because then we would
definitely get an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Can I help you?
I guess we'll find
out, won't we?
Do you want to go ahead
and get the phone first?
[RING]
I guess I'm not a
phone person either.
Yeah, if people want
to talk to you,
they better come down here
and stand in line all day, huh?
Honey, honey,
the gentleman's
waiting to help us.
Alien tax clearance?
No. 1099.
Counter four.
Next, please. Just step aside.
Let's keep the line moving.
Mister, that's a real long line,
and we're kind of
pressed for time.
I was, you know, just
wondering if, uh…
Guess not.
♪ Put your right leg in ♪
♪ You put your right leg out ♪
♪ You put your right leg in ♪
♪ And you shake it all about ♪
♪ You do the hokey pokey… ♪
Please remain behind
the yellow line, sir.
Hey, look, doll face,
I got form 4255 here, entitled,
"recapture of investment credits
"for disposal or changed
use of investment property
before the end of
its useful life."
Do you have anything sharp
I could stick in my eye?
Do I include form 8611
for reduction in quality
basis of property
and put the total on line 50
or do I list them separately?
I'll get the supervisor.
I think the wise thing
would be to go down
to your local IRS office.
If I'd kept my last job,
I could've been on
vacation in Florida.
Please step behind
the yellow line.
Sorry. It's not like we're
gonna hit you or nothing.
What do you need?
Ok. How much do you got to
earn to be mailed a 1099?
1099.
Um, that's income from gambling?
No. No, it isn't.
Pension income?
[IMITATING A BUZZER]
Time's up, Denise.
I'm sure this instruction book
will help, ok? Uh-huh.
Well, I've read this book,
and it is fabulous,
but I would like
some information.
See, I'd wager
that's why they call this
the information line.
I'm sorry, sir,
but I've only been
here for two weeks.
Well, so have we.
Look, please, we've
been extremely busy.
This is our busiest
day of the year.
I'm sure you can understand.
I mean, I've been here
since 7:30 this morning.
I never got lunch,
and they don't even have
fresh coffee back here.
Maybe one of your
colleagues could help us.
Ed, do you know
anything about a 1099?
1099r… pensions and annuities.
No, Ed.
1099 income.
Income, Ed.
Counter four.
Is there anyone else?
Anyone?
I'll get the supervisor.
Why, next year we're
starting in June.
Next year we ain't gonna file.
Then we'll go to prison.
Of course, I bet you don't
have to file from prison.
What's the problem?
Well, nobody in your whole
operation here seems to know
how much I have to earn
to get mailed a 1099.
What were your earnings?
400 bucks.
An employer is only required
to send you a 1099
if you earned $600 or more.
600? Really?
Why couldn't you guys
have that written
down somewhere?
We do. We have detailed
instruction books
which can be easily
understood by people
with at least an eighth
grade education,
but of course we have to rely
on cooperative citizens
such as yourselves
taking the time to read them.
No, see, I did read this book,
and there's nothing in
here about no 1099.
You show me where it says
anything in there about a 1099.
Well, that's the one
page I skipped.
That's that page 34.
Page 34.
Yeah, so it's our fault.
I'm not saying it's
anyone's fault, ma'am,
but the answer is
there in writing.
Sorry, there are no pictures.
You're really funny, you know?
You should have a cover charge
to get in this joint.
You know, if more people
would take the time
to read these simple
instructions,
they wouldn't have
to come down here
and ask stupid questions,
and then maybe these lines
wouldn't be so long.
So long.
Hey, hey. Hey, listen,
you pencil-pushing geek.
I really didn't come down here
to stand in line all day
to put up with your
condescending,
snotty little
attitude, you know?
I mean, I'm sure it is
a pain in your butt
to answer our unimportant
little questions,
but that is your job, isn't it?
And you are paid
with our tax money.
Ok, honey, come on.
No, Dan.
This stuff is impossible
to understand…
These laws and
explanations of laws.
No human being can really
understand these things.
You know, that's why
you got to go get
some $200-an-hour lawyer
to even explain the
crap to you, you know?
And I can't afford $200 an hour.
Yeah. Yeah.
We don't write the
stinking laws!
You got a complaint,
talk to the idiots
in Washington!
Ed!
Well, maybe I should. I mean,
us people, the poor people,
and us regular people,
we're paying more taxes
than the rich people
because they got
all their lawyers
to figure out the loopholes.
I want to find loopholes.
Yeah!
Let's go.
I mean, we give you our money
and then you like
totally mismanage it
worse than we ever could anyhow.
I mean, the government is
something like $3
trillion in debt.
I mean, I think I saw
that on Donahue.
It's like 3 trillion…
That would be like if you're
making $15,000 a year, ok?
So you run up your mastercharge
to like 50 grand.
Then, can you even imagine?
Your monthly bill would
be like $5,000 a month.
I mean, it's insane.
The whole thing is insane.
I mean,
someday us regular people,
we ought to get smart, you
know, and audit them.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry, ma'am, uh, I
didn't get your name.
You don't need her name.
Come on.
No, Dan.
I'm not going to be intimidated
by that little weasel.
Honey, this isn't the
unemployment office.
No, no. I have nothing to hide.
Excuse me, rabbi.
I am not afraid to
tell you my name.
It's Wagner with a "W."
All right.
Yeah.
Mrs. Norris T. Wagner.
Mrs. Norris T. Wagner.
Come, Norris.
Yes, dear.
Presenting, new for 1989,
your income tax return.
Pages and pages
of fabulous print
on our own high-quality bond,
brought to you by the
united states government.
Ah.
Your pen… a bic clic…
Retailing for 98 cents,
available at the bottom
of any of one of
mom's pocketbooks.
Thank you, Vanna.
And now…
Wagner.
Move it out.
All right. Jackets.
So did you guys cheat?
Yeah. Rich people rip
off the government.
Why shouldn't we?
Oh, where did you get that?
Off of one of your Dylan albums.
Nobody cheated. Get in the car.
Hope you don't get an audit.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi. I'm John Goodman. Thank you.
What you've just
seen was a play,
a silly little play
chock-full of jokes
and just for fun, just
for your entertainment.
I personally have nothing
but the utmost respect
for the internal revenue service
and all of its dedicated workers
because, you know, it's
the great guys and gals
at the IRS that keep
America rolling.
See, it's like this.
I got a contract with
a production company,
and they hire writers
who put words in my mouth.
For example, early
in the show I go…
It was my job to say…
"it's a stupid system
run by stupid people,"
right? Like I believe that.
As a matter of fact,
I don't believe anything
I said on the show.
It was my job as an actor.
So I beg you, please
do not confuse
hard-working, responsible,
taxpaying John Goodman
with that lovable but
naughty scamp Dan Conner.
So, to the men and
women at the IRS,
my hat's off to you.
Good night. God bless.