Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 21 - Fender Bender - full transcript

Where is Roxanne?

I don't want Jacques
to get overtired,

and I've got to get to
my bridge game by 3:00.

Debbi, Cindy Lou's got a
new line of nail colours.

Ooh, this is really pretty.

Uh-huh. You know, I
talked to Marsha

about maybe using some
Cindy Lou products

in the salon.

Where's she at?

The dentist.

Ooh.



Zzzz! Zzzz! Ooh!

Ooh!

Iris, don't even kid.

Zzzz!

Ooh!

Come here, you little
squirrel on a rope.

Oh, there you are,
my little pumpkin.

Yes, and I have your
little dog with me.

Did he make?

I don't know,

although there was
one point where

it was harder to drag him.

There you go, Mrs. Wellman.

You're all done.



You look just like Sandra dee

in Gidget goes Hawaiian.

Oh-ho.

Wonderful.

Now if I hurry, I can
just make my game.

Oh. Iris, would you please?

Oh, Roxanne, would you be a dear

and hold on to Jacques?

He likes to jump
from high places.

Hmm. Maybe I'll take you walking

over the bridge next time.

Oh, Roxanne,

would you be a dear and…

Yeah. It'll be $15.

And give me 2 for iris.

That's all right.

Brought you coffee,

put quarters in your meter,

and walked your little dog.

And don't think I
don't appreciate it.

Now could you just get my coat

and carry Jacques out to my car?

I'm parked right
around the corner

in front of that Korean market.

I hope they haven't
watered my car.

I don't want to spoil
Debbi's lovely work.

I'm going to go ahead
and go on to the bank.

Here. Allow me.

Oh, thank you, Roxanne.

Come on, Jacques,
you little mutt.

[GRRR]

I think that's disgusting.

You mean Meg?

Yeah, I mean Meg.

That women walked
all over Roseanne

for 11 years and she's
still doing it.

She's rich.

She doesn't know any better.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CRASH] Ohh!

Ooh, sounds like that 7
pin's still standing.

I can't see anything.

Oh, Meg! What happened?

Oh, Crystal, I can't talk now.

Ohh! Oh, this is terrible.

Liz? Liz!

It's Meg. I've had an accident,

and I'm gonna have
to miss the game.

I've got to take Jacques
straight to the hospital.

He seems… Shaken.

What?

Oh, I rear-ended
that shampoo girl.

Ro-Roseanne!

Oh…

Now everything's
gonna be just fine.

Your mom wasn't hurt,

and neither was Mrs. Wellman.

That's what your dad told me,

and I know that your
father wouldn't lie to me.

You know, I don't believe in
sparing people the truth,

especially not when
she's my sister,

but I just… I don't
think that your father

would do something
like that, you know?

Becky. What?

I don't think that your father
would keep anything from me.

Do you?

Aunt Jackie, just relax, ok?

Yeah. Mom's not dead.

No, she's not dead.

Of course not.

No. Everything's fine, huh?

Everything's fine, just
like what we said.

Everything's just fine.

[DOOR OPENS] They're home!

Oh, my god, Roseanne.

She's a little spacey.

[ROSEANNE CHUCKLES]

Mom, that neck thing's neat.

Can I have it?

Hee hee hee hee!

How is Meg again?

Meg's fine.

Mmm.

Oahh-boom!

Oh, god, she's blasted.

They gave her muscle relaxers.

She'll sleep it off.

I'm gonna turn down the bed.

Look at this! Look it!

Hee hee hee hee!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, this room's nice.

It needs to be cleaned up.

Mmm! Yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yum happy!

Oh, no, no, Roseanne.

No, we don't do that.

No, no.

She's really out of it.

Mom, you didn't fly
through the windshield

or anything, did you?

No, but I'd like to
try that sometime.

She had her seat belt on.

Oh, I'll get it.

JACKIE: Oh, well…

Hello.

Now, they said they'd call back.

The station wagon
may be totalled.

Yes! Yeah!

I hope you know a good attorney.

I know an attorney.

Good. And I want to see a copy

of that accident report.

Come on, honey.

No!

Ooh, ooh. Get chichi.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, I hope that
we have all learned

a very, very important lesson

here today.

What?

That is exactly the reason

why we always wear our…

ALL: Seat belts.

You know, cops got a saying…

You never pull a dead
man out of a seat belt.

What, do you just
leave them there?

Some cops do. I don't.

Now, mom, I don't want you
to move or anything, ok?

Just tell me how to work
your sewing machine.

What are you sewing?

Just a hem.

Oh, ok. You know
the power switch?

Yeah.

Turn it off, put it
back in the case,

then bring your mother
a needle and a thread,

and she'll do it.

Great.

Mom, do you want anything
from the drug store?

Yeah. Bring me back
a woman's world

and a big back of cheetos.

D.J.: Bring me something.

I'm going to need money.

Well, go find my purse.

Oh, look. Here it is.

Uh, this five's good.

Yeah. I want you to
bring me back change.

Bye.

Keeping your mommy company?

We're reading.

Why don't you take a
walk with Darlene

down to the drug store?

I'm broke.

Darlene's got bread. I
just gave her 5 bucks.

Ooh, boy!

Got you some lunch.

Oh, I don't feel like
eating right now, honey.

Where did you get them flowers?

Oh, the girls at the beauty shop

had 'em sent by.

Oh, that was nice.

Yeah.

How you feeling?

How do I look?

How you feeling?

I finally get some
time off from work,

and I can't do a damn thing.

The kids are in there
eating canned spaghetti.

Hey, they like canned spaghetti.

Well, not for breakfast.

Ah, don't you worry about it.

You just worry about
getting yourself better.

I can't.

I got too much other
stuff to worry about,

like bills and the mortgage
and all that kind of stuff.

And what if I miss
another week of work

or another month?

You know, I could lose my job.

Ok, Tallulah, drama hour's over.

You know what bugs me the
worst of this whole thing?

That old cow Mrs.
Wellman can't even call

to see if I'm ok.

Yeah, well, we're gonna
hit bossy where it hurts.

Remember peter
Lundy, the attorney?

He's an attorney?

Of course, he's an attorney.

Heh. Does he have any clients?

Yep.

Us. Us.

Yeah. I got him on a retainer.

Oh, you've got him on retainer?

Well, he stiffed me on a
driveway job last year.

Anyway, he's coming
by tomorrow night.

For what?

Well, I told him you were hurt,

and he said if the injury
was serious enough,

a lawsuit may be
worth talking about.

A lawsuit?

Yeah. You want to get
Meg Wellman, don't you?

Well, yeah, of
course, but I mean…

I ain't hurt that bad.

I'm just… you know, I'm
just a little stiff.

Ohh!

God!

Honey. Help me!

Honey, honey, honey.

Ooh, it hurts. It hurts.
It hurts.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

You all right?

It hurts.

Ohh.

Think you could
do that in court?

Honey, you remember peter Lundy?

Uh, yeah. Hi, peter.

How's the law business
treating you?

Oh, it's good, Roseanne.
It's good.

I'm, uh, I'm sorry to hear
about your little mishap.

So tell us how we can
own the Wellman ranch.

You could, uh… let's see,
we can make an offer,

see if she wants to sell it. Ha!

Probably not what
you meant, huh?

My husband is interested
in a lawsuit, you know,

if you think that's the
thing we should do.

Well, like I said
over the phone,

I'd be happy to give
whatever advice I can,

maybe even write a
threatening letter,

though the last one
of those I wrote,

I nearly got sued.

Well, that's encouraging.

You know, if this thing

gets to where you actually
want to file suit,

I'd like to, uh…

I'd like to recommend
another attorney,

one that specialises in
personal injury actions.

You don't think you
could handle this?

Oh, trust me, I'm not your guy,

especially if it means
going to court.

Whew, not… not… Not…
not good in court.

Well, are you any
good at referrals?

Oh, best in the business.

Yeah, if I recommend
another lawyer to you,

you'll do great.

If I handle it, nope.

Well, we appreciate
your honesty.

Yeah. Well, hopefully,
this lady's counsel

will get her to
settle out of court,

save us a lot of time and money.

Yeah? You think we can do that?

Oh, probably not,

but we can give it a try.

Uh, would it be unethical

for us to refer him to represent Mrs.
Wellman?

Yes.

Let me just go over a few things

with you, Mrs. Conner,

make sure I got
everything straight.

I just need to take a few notes.

Do you, uh, have a pen?

Uh…

Pen?

Yeah.

Oh, nope, nope, nope.

Eureka.

Found it.

[SNAP]

First of all, if you're
going to be involved

in a personal injury
type situation,

you can't keep taking
that neck brace off.

No, you have to stay in bed,

uh, suspend normal activity,

and, you know, don't drive,

'cause one good jolt, and bop!

There goes Mr. Spine.

So, your honour, how
much actual cash

do you think we'll
see out of this

if we sue Mrs. Wellman?

Well, uh, let's see.

That's if we actually sue Mrs.
Wellman and win?

Yeah, yeah, assuming we win.

Oh, well, then you
could be entitled

to as much as, say, oh,

three times the medical bills

and the lost income.
I'll see you.

Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.

Uh-huh.

Three times? This is great.

So if the doctor bill was
$500, we get $1,500!

If it's $1,000, that's $3,000!

If it's $5,000, that's $15,000!

Or if it's $1 million billion,

we get $3 million
billion jillion!

Dad, we have to buy a new house.

We got to clean this one first.

They're building some real
nice ones around Elmridge.

Yeah. We can get a cleaning lady

to come in a couple
times a week.

We're not buying a new house

and we're not getting a maid.

Well, how about a VCR?

Maybe.

Yes! Yes!

We can rent movies!

Mrs. Wellman said she
was running late

and was in a hurry.

So she could have been speeding

or possibly distracted

because she was thinking
of something else.

Thank you, ma'am.

Know that the department
appreciates the help.

So now, Jackie,

excuse me for interfering,

but is this really
police business

or is this personal

'cause it's your sister?

This is police
business, Crystal,

that happens to
affect me personally.

So Roseanne decided to sue Meg?

I am not at liberty
to discuss that.

Oh, come on, Jackie.

Don't play cop with me.

You know, Crystal,
if I wanted to,

I could give you a summons.

Well, you know, if I wanted to,

I could give you a makeover.

Why? You think I
need a makeover?

Well, I think you could
use some new colours.

You know, I got a new blue
that would look great…

Hi, Meg!

Oh, oh! What's going on here?

You weren't robbed, were you?

You're Margaret Wellman?

Yes. Yes, I am.

You were involved in
an automobile accident

in the number two
lane of palmer avenue

at approximately 2:48 P.M.
Last Tuesday

in which you,

as the driver of a 1987
Eldorado Cadillac,

slammed into the rear end

of a 1974 station wagon

of one Roseanne Harris Conner?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Say, didn't you used
to work for me?

Yes, I did, and if
it's all right,

I'll ask the questions, ma'am.

You're Roxanne's
sister, aren't you?

Janet.

It's Jackie.

Oh, actually, he's
called Jacques,

but a lot of people
mispronounce it.

You know what's real easy

to pronounce, Mrs. Wellman?

Cop, cop.

'Cause that's what I am.
I'm a cop.

And I'm here investigating

an accident in which a
person was injured.

Does this dog have a license?

And said person is
still at home in bed,

unable to support her family,

barely able to talk
to her lawyers.

Roxanne called an attorney?

You bet she called an attorney,

a good one with offices
in big cities!

Jackie, come on.

We're talking about
a big lawsuit here.

Lawsuit?

Well, I guess I better
call my attorney.

You better call somebody, lady.

You're not getting
away with this one.

I've checked the records.

You've had pretty busy bumpers!

Come on, Jackie.

[ARF] Come on.

Well, I didn't know Roxanne
was still at home.

She hasn't been in
for the whole week.

Well, my attorney didn't tell me

she was so seriously injured.

Well, didn't you
even call her up

and see how she was?

Well, my attorney
advised me not to.

He said it would be an
admission of guilt.

Well, you are guilty, Meg.

You smashed her
car, and you got to

take responsibility for that!

Remember one thing, Wellman…

I'm your worst nightmare.

Mom, there's a Cadillac
in our driveway.

What colour Cadillac?

Uh…

Earwax gold.

And the front end is smashed in.

Holy cow, it's Mrs. Wellman.

D.J., give me that
neck brace, quick.

I knew she'd show
up sooner or later.

No, mom. You're a vegetable.

Ow, ow, ow!

Here. Put this on.

Now she's coming to see me.

I'm sure she feels bad enough.

You always say how you
want better things for us.

Yeah, but I was talking
about me and your dad.

You kids already
got it too good.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom, make your arm limp!
Make your arm limp!

You know what's good? Talk
with water in your mouth.

[URGENT RINGING]

Do I have to get up?

Just sit! D.J., get the door!

Sick, sick!

Remember, mom, you're broccoli.

Hello.

Oh, hello, little man.

Is your mommy home?

Hi, Meg.

Oh.

The doctor says she really
shouldn't have visitors.

Yeah, especially young ones.

You guys go play.

Well, I guess Jacques

doesn't get to play
much nineball.

Roxanne, you do make me laugh.

Have a seat.

Oh, well, thank you, Roxanne.

I brought you some treats.

Oh, that was very nice.

Oh, by the way, I'm
glad you didn't

get racked up or nothing.

Oh, I'm fine.

Well, it was very nice

of you to stop by.

Don't be silly.

We were in the neighbourhood.

What, were you
getting an estimate

on body damage or something?

Actually, yes.

Roxanne, I didn't know

you were so seriously injured

until I spoke to
Janet at the salon.

Janet?

Your sister.

Oh.

Well, no offence, Meg,

but, you know, if you
would've called me,

I could've told you that
I was seriously hurt.

Well, I would have
called, Roxanne,

but my attorney
advised me not to.

Well, how very legal of you.

Roxanne, I want you to
know that even though

you no longer work
for the company,

we still think of you

as part of the Wellman family.

I don't suppose

my health insurance
is still good?

You just dropped by

'cause you were in
the neighbourhood?

Well, yes.

And 'cause you wanted
to see how I was doing

and bring me a gift?

Oh, it's nothing.

Yes, it is.

Very nice of you to come by.

Well, actually,

there was just one other
teensy, little thing,

just while I'm here.

Uh, you need a shampoo?

Oh, nothing that complicated.

No, I wanted you to
endorse this check.

A check? For what?

For you, Roxanne,

and… and for your little family.

Uh, honey!

I don't know what to say.

If you'd just sign that,

Jacques and I will run it
right over to your bank,

and you'll have your money.

Meg, you know my husband don.

Trust me.

Oh, of course.

It's nice to see you, Dan.

A pleasure, Mrs. Wellman.

Can I fix you a drink?

Oh, no. I'll only stay a moment.

And you must call me Meg.

Right now?

Meg?

Meg, why are you giving
us all this money?

Why? Well, because it's
the right thing to do

and I'm a nice person.

But what is this little,
tiny writing here?

"Endorsement constitutes
acceptance of payment

for total liability."

That's just a bunch
of legal mumbo jumbo.

We wouldn't want to get
legal now, would we?

Oh, of course not.

No, of course not,

'cause our lawyer tells us

we can get three or
four times that amount.

People get so silly about money.

Here.

Thanks for dropping by, Meg,
and making me feel stupid.

Roseanne, she's our guest.

Now, why would you feel stupid?

Because for some dumb reason,

I actually thought
that you dropped by

to see how I was doing,
but you only came by

to buy me off. Buy you off?

Yeah, but you bought yourself
a huge lawsuit, lady.

'Cause I'm gonna
haul you into court

and I'm gonna squeeze you dry.

Well, I hope you have
a very good attorney.

Let me rephrase that, Meg.

I think what I really
meant to say was that if,

you know, if I would have
bumped into you, I mean,

I would have called a
lawyer, too, you know,

but first I would
have maybe called you

to see if you were ok
and to say I'm sorry.

But I am sorry, Roxanne.

There you go.

Well, that's all I
needed to hear.

That's all you want?

That and your word that I never

have to walk your dog again.

And that's it?

And the check.

Of course.

Oh, don, could you
walk me to my car?

Of course.

Neighbourhood.

Oh, Roxanne,

I am so glad we got
this straightened out

just between us,

and we are friends
again, aren't we?

Oh, I'd say

we're about as close
as we ever were, Meg.

My lawyer got me $25,000.

He got me $25,000.

He got me $60,000.

He took care of
everything for me…

Got me a $20,000 settlement.

[TIRES SCREECH]

I broke my leg,

and Larry Parker got me $80,000.

After the accident,

my car got fixed,

my medical was paid,

and I got a good settlement.

I was in a crosswalk.
I got hit by a car.

I got my knee and
my back messed up.

I went through the
windshield of a car.

I shattered my wrist.

So I went to Larry H. Parker,

and they got me some big money.

[CRASH]