Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 19 - All of Me - full transcript

[NO DIALOGUE AUDIO…
OPENING THEME PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

So this is your idea

of staying out of things.

Hey, alls I'm doing is having

a nice little family
casual get-together.

I'm not getting involved.

You can't help
yourself, can you?

You're an addict.

Hey, she's my sister,



and I thought it would be nice

to meet her new friend,

like the supportive,
loving person that I am.

Ho ho! You're nosy, Alice!

Nosy!

I am not getting involved, Dan.

Gary! Gary, I could
just see you holding

onto the back of the truck,

screaming at Sam, "stop! Stop!"

I was wearing loafers, too.

I mean, no traction.

Who's Sam?

Sam is one of the installers

that works for Gary's
glass company.



Gary learned the glass
business from his uncle,

who he used to work
for in the summers,

so that he could stay
in shape for wrestling.

Isn't that right?

You wrestled?

Yeah.

Yeah. 165 pounds.

Wiry and quick.

You are.

I are what?

Wiry and quick.

What does that mean?

Oh, I didn't mean
quick that way.

So finish the story.
Did Sam stop,

or were you eventually crushed

and then freed by
the jaws of life?

Ok. He stops all of a sudden.
I fall down.

It pulls all my belt loops off,

and I'm sitting on the ground

with my belt under my arms.

Isn't that a great story?

Aren't they cute?

Well, they can't help
but be cute, Dan.

They're young, and
they're in love,

and they're headed for a ravine.

Now, now, be supportive.

I'm trying to be supportive,
but she's making me puke.

She's acting just like
a high school girl.

Roseanne.

Ok, everybody, dinner's ready.

Come and eat, children.

Oh, thank you.

Are they doing
that tongue thing?

Uh…

Yeah.

I used to work for
Sherwood plate glass.

I worked with Jim Sherwood

on a couple of jobs.

Nice old guy.

He's a sly old guy.

What do you think?

He's ok. He's ok?!

How can you be in the same room

with this man and say he's ok?

I don't know, because maybe

I still have partial
use of my brain.

I want to talk to you.

And do good work.

Gary's company's known
for its good work.

Gary's got a reputation.

Then you two have got
a lot in common.

Jackie's got a reputation

for being a good cop.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just starting
out on the force,

but Gary's got a very
successful business.

Hey, you risk your
life every day.

Um, where's the head?

Yonder.

Ahem.

I'm leaving.

Good.

I don't want to
hear this, anyway.

Good.

Hey, wait yeah, take Gary.
For Gary.

Take Gary where?

Show him the grounds.

Maybe I'll take him
out back and tell him

what he's really
getting himself into.

Dan.

Maybe I'll tell
him what a crazy,

neurotic family this really is.

Dan. Dan…

Maybe I'll tell him
that you still got

your stuffed animals,

and when they're naughty,
you get mad at them.

Well, he's my husband.

I have to tell him everything.

Hey, Gar. You like motorcycles?

No, not really.

You like boats?

Nah.

How about a drafty old garage

with a lot of good
junk laying around?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Come on out. I'll show you
my motorcycle and my boat,

and we can stand around
and get the flu…

And you two hens can yak it up.

Yak yak yak yak yak yak.
Yak yak.

This is a nice little work area

you got here.

Yeah, thanks. My little escape.

Yeah, I hear you.

You must have been married.

No, not yet. Um…

But Jackie tells me
you and Roseanne

been together since right
out of high school?

Yeah. Hard to believe.

12 years of high school,

and you go out and do
something completely stupid.

No, I'm only kidding.

It's really good.
We're really happy.

It's ok, Dan. I already know

that anything I tell Jackie

goes right back to Roseanne.

Bingo.

Hey, being single is no bargain,

let me tell you.

It's tough meeting people.

You seem to be doing ok.

Oh, yeah.

Jackie, she's, um…

She's something.

Jackie's a good kid.

Yeah, I'm nuts about her, man.

It's like I can't stop
thinking about her.

And the truth is I
don't want to stop

thinking about her

because, you know, when
I'm thinking about her,

I'm happy.

You know what I mean? She's fun.

She's sexy, and she's bright.

She's a little crazy, too,

but that's ok with me,

because I could use
a little craziness

in my life.

She can provide that.

Yeah.

I'm in love with her, Dan.

Have you told her that yet?

No way.

That a boy.

Sis?

What?

I know you really
like Gary right now,

and you're thinking that
maybe he's the guy.

I know. I think he is.

I mean, he's good,
and he's gentle.

Isn't he gentle?

And I like his looks.

You find him
attractive, don't you?

I just want to say
something to you,

and I just want you to know
the only reason I'm saying it

is because I care
about you so much.

What? You don't like him.

Sis.

Ok, what? Tell me.

I don't want us to get
into a fight over this.

No, we won't get in a fight.

Ok, 'cause that's not
why I'm mentioning it.

Mentioning what?

What I'm going to mention.

What?

Remember last year, you
and that guy Tony?

Oh, Roseanne, give me a break.

Tony! Oh…

This is nothing like Tony.

With Tony,

I was this gushing

little high school girl.

I was Tony's love slave.

Tony.

Well, not just with Tony, sis.

You've been this way
with a lot of guys.

Yeah, well, maybe I have,

but with Gary, it's different,

because Gary and I

do things that I want
to do all the time…

Or we will. We will…

As soon as there's something

that I want to do.

You're so full of it.

Ok, just drop it.

Oh, now she doesn't
want to talk about it.

No, I really don't

because you're getting
completely defensive.

No, I'm not being
defensive, Roseanne.

You're more defensive than I am.

If you have a problem
with my boyfriend,

why don't you just
come out and say so?!

Well, he's not
taking over my life.

What's that supposed to mean?

Just forget about it, ok?

Never mind.

We obviously cannot discuss this

like two adults,

because one of us is a child.

Oh? How am I acting
like a child?

Oh, forget about it.

Oh, she can blame it,
but she can't name it.

"I can blame it, but I can't…"

you are 33 years old!

Well, you're 36 years old!

Yeah, I am 36 years old!

So what of it? So what of it?

Just forget about it, ok?

No, not ok.

Don't you have a
little pep rally

you want to go on…

I can't believe I bring him

all the way over here and…

I said forget it!

Ahh!

So…

You want to go out
to dinner tonight?

Sure, if you do.

What do you feel like?

Oh, I'm easy.

What do you feel like?

Lanford tavern ok?

Um, yeah, that's fine.

No, if you want to
go somewhere else…

No, I.T.'s fine.

I don't know if we can get in.

Are you kidding me?

Sam's brother works there.

Sam, huh? Yeah.

Oh, I got to tell you.

Friday, Sam's backing
up the truck.

I said, "let me get out, and
I'll help guide you back."

So, of course,
what does Sam say?

"No problem. Got you covered."

Yeah. Right. So he
starts backing up,

no idea where he's going,

and he just roars
the thing backwards

without even looking, and stops.

I get out, he's this far
from the loading dock.

I'm telling you,

this guy's got a sixth sense.

You gotta meet him.

We'll go out with him sometime.

Yeah, we might as well.

You talk about him enough.

But what if I meet Sam,

and all he does is
tell Gary stories?

Well, you'll
probably love those.

Yeah, you at work with Sam

and the glass truck.

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Nothing. I'm…

I'm just feeling

a little tired, that's all.

Well, no wonder.

You just used up
a lot of energy.

Yeah, but…

I was tired

before I used up
all that energy.

You should have said something.

I thought you'd be mad at me.

Mad at you? No, I'm…

But I am mad at you for
making love with me

when you didn't really
want to make love with me.

See? I knew you'd be mad at me.

Jackie, all you had to
do was say something.

It's ok.

It's no big deal.

A lot of people

don't like to make
love at the same time.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jackie, you don't
have to be sorry.

I'm sorry.

Right!

So next time you'll
just tell me, ok?

Right, right.

Ok.

So, how about dinner?

You still feel like going out?

Yeah, if you do.

I've had it, Roseanne.

I have really, really had it.

It's true, you know?

All we ever wind up doing

is what he wants to do.

If we want to go out and eat,

he picks the restaurant.

If when we want to watch the TV,

he gets to hold the remote.

Do we ever come over
and just hang around

with you and Dan?

No. Right.

Well, maybe he's making
all the decisions

because you're sitting there

grinning like an idiot

and letting him make
all the decisions.

Yeah, but you see,
what he does is,

he lets me let him make
all the decisions.

He knows that I
don't want to watch

cable sports news.

Well, have you told him that?

No. But he should know.

I shouldn't have
to tell him that.

No, he should be able
to read your mind.

No, but, you know…

You know, Rosie,
he should know me

better than that by now,
I mean, you'd think.

You know you are really

messing up a good thing here.

I mean, you meet a guy…

A really nice guy,

and you're blowing it.

You mean, you
really do like him?

Jackie!

Well, I'm afraid
that if I tell him

all this stuff about me,

then he won't like me so much

because maybe he's
one of those guys

who only likes women
that he can control.

Well, now, you would like

to find out about that.

And if it is true,

then you don't want
him around anyway.

I don't?

No.

Jeez, you are a…

You have your own moods,

you have your own thoughts,

you have your own opinions.

You're a 3-dimensional
human being here.

He doesn't even know me.

Maybe that's because
you've been acting

like Gidget on an aphrodisiac

for that past three weeks.

It's just I like him so much,

and I want him to like me.

Then just give him
a chance to know

the real you.

I mean, maybe he'll
like that girl

just as much.

I can't take that
chance, Roseanne.

You said you were
going to talk to him.

I am being supportive.

Roseanne, stay out of this.

I am staying out of this.

So, did you talk to him?

Why do you have to go?

At 11:30?

Don't tell me
Gary's coming over.

Well, if you don't
want him to come over,

then why don't you
just call him up

and tell him that you don't
want him to come over?

No, that's stupid.

You're not gonna make him mad.

You're just gonna end up
getting mad at yourself.

She wants to be by herself,

but she's going to
let him come over

and spend the night.

Why can't they just, you know…

Then he can split?

Oh, ick!

You better talk to him.

If you're tired,

just call and tell him
that you're tired.

There's nothing wrong with that,

but you better… yeah.

Ok, ok, but you
better talk to him,

and then you call me
in the morning, ok?

Or else I'll just pop over,
and we'll have breakfast

or something.

Yeah. Ok, bye.

Great.

Now, turn off the light.

She is just totally gone

over this guy.

She's so infatuated,

she does whatever
he tells her to do.

And she never says
anything to him.

I mean, she's just
like this puppet,

and he's just, like,
pulling on her strings.

Roseanne, stay out of this.

It's awful, because if
she doesn't speak up,

she is, like, going to blow it

with this guy,

and I really can't stand

to see her do that again.

Please, I beg you.

She's my sister.

Stay out of Jackie's love life.

Well, maybe I would

if I had one of my own.

All right.

If that's what it takes.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yeah?

It's me.

Come on, Jackie, let me in.

I got to talk to you.

What's going on?

Nothing. I'm just
sitting around.

That's not what I'm
talking about, Jackie.

What is going on? I mean…

You say it's ok for
me to come over,

then you call me
back and tell me no,

no, maybe I shouldn't come over.

And then you say, "no, really",

it's ok, come on over."

I think you owe me
better than that.

I owe you?

Well, yeah, you owe me.

Ok, look, you got a problem

with this relationship,

yeah, I think at least

you owe me the courtesy
of telling me,

face to face. You
know, just say,

"look, Gary, even though
you're the greatest guy

"I ever met, and even though

"this is the best relationship

"and the best sex I've ever had,

"for some unforeseen,
ridiculous reason,

I want to break it off."

So, then, you think whatever
reason I might have

is just ridiculous?

Amazing.

Of everything that I just said,

that's the one thing
you focus on?

You couldn't have
come back to me with,

"gee, Gary, you really think

it's the best relationship?"

Or, "gee, you really think
it's the best sex?"

No. Because just you implied

that any reason I might have

is gonna be ridiculous, anyway.

Jackie, what are we
talking about here?

Look, you got something
you want to say to me,

I don't think it's ridiculous.

I want to hear it.

Anything you have to
say, I want to hear.

You know, as a matter of fact,

I'd like to hear
you say something

for a change.

Why do I have to
decide everything

all the time? You know?

This is our relationship,

it's not my relationship.

It's our relationship.

Help me fly the damn plane.

See, I knew this would
happen if we slept together.

What?

All this…

All this complicated…

And all the conversations

and all this arguing.

Jackie, this isn't complicated.

This is very simple.

I'm in love with you,

and all of a sudden

you don't want to see me. Why?

What did I do?

You're in love with me?

[KNOCKING]

Hello?

Just a minute.

Just give me one sec.

Did you talk to Gary?

Yeah. Yeah. Hang on a sec.

I can't hear you in here.

You didn't call me

after he left last night.

I'm assuming he came over,

knowing you're such a wimp.

You probably didn't
tell him what

you said were going to say.

I'm not a wimp, Roseanne.

Do you have any coffee?

No.

So, did you talk to him?

Yeah, I talked to him. Ok?

Hey, you're the one that
was upset last night.

Hey, you got coffee.

You're sitting there,

"oh, hi. I just want
to be by myself."

"I don't want Gary
to come over."

So, did you end up
talking to him,

or did you let him come
over and then talk to him?

You know, Roseanne,
you got a big mouth.

I guess I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do. Thanks a lot.

Well, no need to thank me.

Good-bye, Roseanne.

Gary, could you excuse us

for a couple minutes?

I'd like to talk to Jackie.

Gary, just stay right
where you are.

Gary, could you just,
like, go in the bathroom

for a minute?

Um, I'll… I'll just…

Um.

Yeah, I'll be in here.

Nice butt.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
he was in the bathroom.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

What difference would
it make, anyway?

I mean you wouldn't have
said nothing to him…

If you hadn't opened
your big mouth.

Yeah, because I know how much

you really like this guy.

Shut up.

Shut up.

You didn't tell
him that, either?

What are you trying to do?

I'm just trying to help.

Well, I don't need
your help, ok?

I'm doing ok by myself,

because you know why?

That man standing in my bathroom

right now loves me.

No, he doesn't love you.
He loves perfect woman.

The woman with no opinions.

Well, perfect woman
just happens to be

in this body right now.

And who knows? Maybe
I can actually

become perfect woman.

I've been pulling it
off for four weeks,

so what the hell?

It's working out pretty nice.

He loves me, Roseanne.

Why would I want
to mess that up?

Or, no. Why would you want me

to mess that up?

I don't, but this
isn't even you.

You're losing
yourself in this guy.

He loves me, Roseanne.

I'm not responsible
to you anymore.

Hey, I'll… I'll call you, ok?

Here.

Oh.

I want you out of here.

You're going to kick me
out of your apartment?

Yeah, I'm going to kick you out

of my apartment.
And I want you to

butt out of my life.

Come on, Jackie.

Good-bye.

I'm sorry.

Good-bye.

[EASY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMAN SCATTING]

♪ There's a somebody
I'm longin' to see ♪

♪ I hope that he ♪

♪ Turns out to be ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me-e-e ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪