Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 18 - I'm Hungry - full transcript

Meg, Rosie's down at the
coffee shop getting lunches.

I can just pick up the
phone and call her.

You sure you wouldn't
like something?

Please, Marsha, I'm
trying to diet.

I just lost 3 pounds.

Chow time.

I once lost 42 pounds.

That's wonderful. How?

Communist guerrillas
locked me in a bamboo cage

for 6 months.

Yeah, but don't you
get irritable?



Only for the first month.

Turkey sandwich.

With nothing on it?

There's some turkey on it,

but I'll bet you
could scrape it off.

Their turkey's very fresh.
Their chicken, too.

Well, you know what they say.

10 years before menopause,

women go through
this poultry phase.

You are right, Roxanne.

When I was in my 30s,

I ate nothing but turkey,
chicken, and tuna.

I lived on tuna.

Well, tuna isn't
exactly poultry,



but it's very like poultry.

I mean, you have to put some
kind of dressing on it,

or it tastes like… Cloth.

Isn't that right, Jacques?

Tossed green, lemon.

Thanks.

Lucky you.

Didn't you order lunch, Debbie?

No. My eating has gotten
completely out of control.

I mean, I've been
having breakfast,

then lunch, and
then I have dinner.

Well, you just
described my morning.

You know, Roseanne, you
have such a pretty face.

It's a shame you keep it hidden
by all that extra weight.

Roseanne doesn't have to
worry about keeping slim.

Dan's crazy about her no
matter how she looks.

I didn't mean for
it to sound like…

Uh, well, it's just she's
so happily married,

and you're just not
on the market anymore

is all I meant.

No, Crystal. You're right.

I do need to lose weight,

and I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna start now by
picking a day next week

to go on a diet.

All right.

Next week's bad.

March is out.

Ow!

I must have put these
pants in the dryer!

Aah!

What's the matter with you?

My pants shrank.

How dare they.

Oh, I guess they didn't shrink.

I just grew.

I think we've grown
together, I hope.

We got to go on a diet.

What's this "we" jazz?
My pants fit fine.

Well, my pants don't fit me.

Well, your pants
don't fit me either.

Ha ha ha, Dan. Let's burn
the weight off with humour.

Look at yourself.
You are too fat!

You've got to go on a diet.

You go on a diet. I'm
going to dinner.

You got to move, Deej.

Make me.

How about a kiss, hot stuff?

I'm out of here!

Go wash your hands.

A little sugar-free, my pet?

I'm serious, Dan.

We shouldn't even be eating
all this fried stuff.

You guys going on a diet again?

No. Yes.

So I guess this means we're gonna
have roast chicken for 3 nights

until they get back to reality.

We're gonna look better,

and we're gonna feel better.

We won't eat better.

You know how we hate
being like this.

Hey, Roseanne, you know what?

We don't go out a lot. We
don't have a big house.

Food is the one
luxury we can afford.

Well, food ain't supposed
to be a luxury, Dan.

I mean, it's supposed
to keep you alive.

It ain't supposed to provide
entertainment value.

What do you guys think?

You think your mom
needs to lose weight?

No. I like you mushy.

You could stand to
lose a few, mom.

I didn't ask you.

I know. Dad did.

Well, your dad really
shouldn't talk.

Men are supposed to get
heavy when they get older.

They all do.

But it doesn't look
good on women.

Well, that is about the dumbest
thing you've ever said.

Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Hey, you stay out of this.

It's your fault I got
fat in the first place.

Oh, right. Like I invented
double Dutch chocolate.

No, but I gained 20 pounds
with that pregnancy.

Me, too.

20 pounds?

Ok, 40 pounds… With each kid.

Me, too.

Remember when I was
thin and beautiful?

Honey, you're still beautiful.

You've had 3 beautiful kids.

Well, I can't use that
as an excuse forever.

Sure you can. No, I
can't use that forever.

A couple of more years,
max, but not forever.

Besides, I'm going on a diet, Dan.
I'm starting right now.

Go. I'll be here
when you get back.

This whole family has got to
start eating better, I swear.

That's 'cause I'm gonna
start shopping better.

'Cause the whole place
is full of junk.

Look at this. Chips, pretzels,

macaroni and cheese…

Ooh, we got mallomars.

The kitchen's full of junk.

The kids have got to eat.

But we don't have to eat junk.

Yeah, we do. We need junk.

Dan, look at yourself.

Hey, I get more
exercise in one day

than most guys do in a week.

I'm out there hauling and lugging
and pushing and shoving.

I've got great muscle
tone under here.

Feel that python. Go on.
Feel right there.

I don't wanna feel right there.

I just wanna get rid
of some of this junk.

She's flipped, dad.
Hose her down.

Listen. Just 'cause your
pants are tight one day

doesn't mean we're gonna throw
away $40 worth of groceries.

Well, hey, drastic times are gonna
call for drastic measures here.

I mean, I can
hardly go on a diet

having to look at all
this horrible, hideous,

yet delicious food.

Here. Out of sight, out of mind.

All right. Thank you.

Now I'm gonna fix myself
something good to eat.

I believe what
you're looking for

is in that cabinet.

ROSEANNE: Yeah, I think I
did pretty good today.

I had, like, a really light breakfast,
and then a really little lunch.

Then I had this diet soda. Then I had
some of these carrot sticks of Debbie's

for a snack,

and then a really little dinner.

That's it?

That's it.

You did real good, babe.

I did do good. How did you do?

I didn't have anything.

Dan, you had a great big hunk
of meat loaf for dinner.

I only ate half that meat loaf. I
threw the rest in the garbage.

Dan.

That's half my
dinner in the trash.

All right then. How many
sandwiches did you have for lunch?

I had 2, but it was that
sliced chicken, remember?

Did you have that diet shake?

And I had a shake.

Diet shake?

I had a shake.

The diet shake?

It was a chocolate
shake, all right?

I need a little sugar
in the afternoon.

All right. I guess you did good.

We both did good.

Yeah.

You know, Dan, as my
reward for doing good,

boy, I am gonna go in there

and take a nice, long,
hot, private bath.

Boy, I would love to get
10 minutes all to myself.

And you deserve all 10. I'll stand
guard against all intruders.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Oh,
that's probably sis.

You just go in there
and take your bath,

and I'll tell her to
call you right back.

Ok. Thanks, honey.

[RING]

[RING]

10 minutes.

Yeah, Jackie, I'll tell her.

Yeah, Jackie. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Jackie. Uh-huh.

Yeah, Jackie.

Yeah, Jackie.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah… no, no, no, no, no.

No. It's just a
small grease fire.

Ooh. [COUGHS] It's out.
It's out.

Yeah, baking soda.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Jackie… oh, Jackie, I got to go.

D.J. Hurt himself.

Yeah. Talk to you later.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Ah ha ha! Oh, Jackie,
you… you're the nuttiest.

Mm, mm, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well, look at you!

Got to go.

I don't believe it.

The very first week you agree to go
on a diet, I catch you cheating.

Excuse me. You agreed
to go on a diet.

Oh! Ow!

Ow.

Oh, ice cream headache.

Brain freeze, huh?

Well, you deserve it. You go
have some warm tap water.

I don't even believe you, Dan.

You did say you'd
do this with me.

You said that, and
don't try to deny it.

And you were cheating just
then, too, weren't you?

Don't try to deny that either.

You did say we'll go on a diet,

and if we are gonna diet, I
say let's stick to the diet.

Eating potato chips isn't
gonna help anything.

Who's eating potato chips?

What?

You said potato chips.
Who's eating potato chips?

I meant ice cream.

But you said potato chips.

I can't even believe you, Dan.

Don't you try to turn
this thing around on me.

I wanna see what's going
on in this bathroom.

GOOD MORNING. ALL: Good morning.

I brought breakfast.

Yay!

You're right, Roseanne.
This is the best bakery.

I mean, these doughnuts
are the cakiest.

Roseanne, you're still
not eating anything?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

I'm not even hungry.

Well, you have to eat something.

How about a bran muffin?

No. No. I've been
good for a week now.

One little muffin's not
going to hurt you.

Arthur ate bran every
day of his life.

So I bet he had a
pretty clean colon.

Yes, he did.

I like that in a man.

Now, I know you're trying
to be careful, but…

You're the one that told me

I shouldn't hide under
all the extra weight.

Well, of course I did, but you
can't starve yourself, Roseanne.

Maybe just a half.

That's right. You need
to keep your energy up.

I'm not even hungry. I don't even
know why I'm eating this thing.

Habit.

You know, when I need to lose
a few inches, I exercise.

Yeah. It's the best.

When I exercise, I
get so relaxed.

It's like I actually zone out.

You? Zone out?

No, really.

I do stretching first,

then 20 minutes of
low-impact aerobics

to get my heart rate up,

then a half hour of toning
all my problem zones.

It's really made a
difference in my life.

You know what's great exercise?

Dodging machine-gun
fire on a beach.

Yeah, 'cause, you know,
you get all sweaty,

then you could just dive
right into the ocean.

I know. It's so refreshing.

Hey, iris,

how come you're all the time

making these demented comments

about being blown
away and stuff?

The truth?

Yeah.

I'm shell-shocked.

Come on.

Hey.

I stand here all day listening
to women bellyache.

It's my way of saying,

"shut up, or I'll turn your
hair into a bonsai tree."

You know, Roseanne, if you
would exercise every day

and get your metabolism going,

you could eat anything you want.

I could eat anything I want.

Oh, that's right. You'd
improve your circulation.

You'd have more energy
during the day.

I could eat anything I want?

Half-hour walk every morning

would get you into good
physical condition.

And help suppress your appetite.

I could eat anything I want?

There's already sugar
in that cereal, D.J.

Tough noogie.

You know, you should
eat more fruit.

I don't like fruit.

That's because your head
looks like an apple.

Where's mom and dad?

I don't know. Maybe
they're still asleep.

JACKIE: Anybody home?

Jackson. Morning.

They weren't in there.
What up, jack?

Hi. Where's your mom? I'm supposed
to give her a ride to work.

No clue.

I just checked their
bedroom, and nobody's here.

Ah. Probably out walking.

Yeah. Right.

No. Your mom said that they were
gonna start walking every morning.

I think that's great.

You want some toast?

Yeah. Thanks. Butter?

In the fridge.

Aunt Jackie, how come mom is
so heavy and you're so thin?

Genetics.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

But it's not all genetics.

A lot of how much you weigh

depends on if you
were a heavy kid,

'cause, uh,

that's when all your
fat cells are formed,

you know.

And then, you only have

a certain number of fat
cells in your body,

and they either get
bigger or smaller

for the rest of your life.

But I don't think you guys
are gonna have a problem

'cause you're all pretty thin.

But mom wasn't a heavy kid.
You guys were both the same…

It's just a theory, ok?

Plus there's also
the environment,

and there's being
pregnant three times

and having kids around

who need to eat constantly
at all hours of the day.

And there's also extra tartar
sauce on her fish sticks

and extra Mayo on her roast beef

and extra roast beef
on her kaiser roll.

So basically you're saying
mom just eats a lot.

No. No.

Well, yeah. Yeah.

But, look, she's out exercising.

She's not exercising.
You said she's walking.

You know,

a journey of a thousand miles

begins with one step.

Awesome. Did you make that up?

Uh-huh.

[COUGHING]

Dan, how's the walk?

Great.

Where are you going?

To pick up your mom.

Well, Dan, I was
pretty good today.

Me, too, babe.

Yeah, I think that walking
stuff is really helping

'cause I don't even feel hungry.

Why don't you come here and sit
down and join the family, babe.

You know, ordinarily right now,

I'd sure be in the mood
for something sweet,

but… Not even interested.

MAN: Say, when was the last time

you tasted real butterscotch?

Creamy, smooth
butterscotch with walnuts,

surrounded by delicious
milk chocolate.

Have a yummy bar.
You deserve it.

You ok?

Yeah, yeah. I just…

I'm… I'm going to
get a diet soda.

WOMAN: This week only
at the king's table…

Our famous surf
'n' turf platter,

which includes a 10-ounce
charbroiled filet Mignon,

a 10-ounce Maine lobster
tail with drawn butter,

and steak fries or
creamed spinach,

all for only 8.99.

MAN: At bucky burgers, our
burgers are flame-broiled.

Even the bacon we put
on our cheeseburgers

is flame-broiled.

And we use real cheese, and
all our buns are toasted.

So bring the whole
family to bucky burgers.

I'm hungry!

Where are you going?

I haven't had one thing.
I can't take it!

Don't do it, Roseanne.
Don't do it.

I want one cookie!

I'll walk an extra
mile tomorrow.

You'll hate yourself tonight!

I'll walk 2 miles
for one cookie!

Darlene, where's
those mallomars?

Freezer.

I thought you said one.

I got one for you.

I don't want it, and
neither do you.

Oh, yes, I do, Dan! I do!
Trust me! I do!

Roseanne!

Now, nobody said this
was gonna be easy,

and it's not gonna be.

Food's a tough thing to beat.

It's everywhere. You can hear it.
You can smell it.

Hell, if you want to,
you can taste it.

But when that big calorie
counter in the sky

looks down in his book,

I want us to do him proud.

There's gonna be calories.

There's gonna be carbohydrates.

But it's our job
to keep 'em down,

push 'em back, hold 'em to
3, and force a turnover.

But we can't eat turnovers!

We can't even have pop tarts!

We got to Zig. We got to zag.

We're gonna stick and
move, move, move.

We're the underdogs
in this game,

but right now we're
winning, see.

But remember,

the final score… it's up to us.

It's up to us.

It's up to us.

Oh, that was very
inspiring, Dan.

Now, give me those cookies!

Becky!

Becky, call Vic and
Rita next door!

Well, I put it back, coach.

Way to go, 37.

I didn't eat nothing.

Boy, but I could sure go

for seeing that bucky
burger commercial again.

You guys were walking
for an hour.

The Olympics are
only 2 years away.

Then you still have time.
What event?

Child throwing.

Maybe I should start getting
up and walking with you guys.

Me, too.

No, no. These walks are private.

Ooh. Do you guys make out
while you're walking?

ROSEANNE: Dan!

What?

They fit! They fit!

Hey!

Now let me try 'em on.

You know, I'm so happy.

I know. I did it.

It's not that much or nothing.

It's a small thing.

But my pants fit, and I
feel really good about it.

But, you know, if I
could do this good,

maybe I can do even better.

Maybe we really can
exercise every day,

and maybe I really can
lose some more weight.

I feel great!
That's great, babe.

You know, I have time. You
know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna walk to work.

You're kidding.

No, I'm serious. I'm
really walking to work.

I think it's about 2
1/2 miles, right?

We probably walked farther
than that this morning.

Easy.

Yeah. Maybe I can, like, walk home from
work, too. I can do that every day.

That would be, like, an
extra 5 miles a day.

Go for it.

I'm gonna do it.

I'll see you guys later.

Bye, mom. Bye, mom.

Bye, mommy.

That's great. That
is really great.

I'm really proud of your mom.

Ooh! It's, like, 13
degrees out there.

I'm not walking to work.

4.

1, 2,

3, 4.

Chest, back, torso. 1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2,

3, 4.

1, 2,

3, 4.

And 1, 2, two more.

3, 4.

Together, apart,

down, and up.

Together, apart, down, and up.

And finish. See, you
did feel it, right?

Oh! Yeah. Can't move.