Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 17 - Hair - full transcript

Roseanne, you all ready to go?

[CRYING] I don't want to!

I feel like a used piece of gum

that somebody stuck
under the table,

just waiting for the excitement

of drying up and
hitting the floor.

Come on, Roseanne, come on.

You got to get it up
for this interview.

I can't even get it up
to put my shoes on.

Come on. Up and at 'em.

[IMITATING A BUGLE]



I have reached an all-time low.

I quit my job at Wellman,

I didn't make it at phone sales,

I got fired by some zit-faced
brat at chicken divine.

Now I'm actually going
in to apply for a job,

wherein I will make
coffee, answer phones,

and sweep the floors.

Yes, but those are all things
that you do very, very well.

Those are all things
that I do at home.

Yes, but now you'll be
getting paid for 'em.

And besides, you might
like the people.

And that can always
make a big difference.

I'm just getting you back
out in the world again.

Voila!



I love it.

What did I tell you?

You look just like Eva Gabor.

Oh, stop.

Doesn't she look
just like Eva Gabor?

I love Eva Gabor.

I told you this
girl is wonderful.

Isn't she wonderful?
She's wonderful.

You're wonderful.
You're all wonderful.

I'm wonderful.

Would you like to
go ahead and make

an appointment for next week
before we get booked up?

How's Thursday look?

Wide open.

12:30 ok with iris?

Mm-hmm. Oh, thank you.

There you go.

Thank you.

Happy?

Oh, I'm always happy.

Have you always had black hair?

I'm not at all happy

with what they did to my hair.

I don't blame you.

Hi! And you are…

Uh, Roseanne Conner.

Do you have an appointment?

Not for my hair.

My friend Crystal Anderson

said that she talked to you.

Oh, yes. You're
here about the job.

Yeah, I guess.

Would you like some coffee?

Yeah. 'Cause if the
coffee's no good,

I ain't working here.

We drip brew our coffee

because the other way may
raise your cholesterol.

At least that's what
they're saying this week.

I'm very careful about
my cholesterol.

My husband Arthur…

Died of a heart attack.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it was 30 years ago.

He never even drank coffee.

That's Debbi. That's iris.

This is Roseanne.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

That's my staff. I'm Marsha.

Here.

Sit down.

So… why don't you tell me

a little bit about yourself?

Well, I'm married
and I have 3 kids.

And, so, like,

I never can come in before 9:00

because I have to get
them off to school.

And I can't stay after 5:00

'cause then I have to
go home make dinner.

Weekends are out because, you
know, obviously, besides my kids,

I have a husband who's like
totally dependent on me,

and, um…

Then 3, 4 days a month
I'm unbearable.

Perfect. Can you start tomorrow?

Why?

'Cause I need someone
to start tomorrow.

Well, I mean, I don't even know
if I'm gonna take this job.

You have to take this job.

You're the only one who applied.

Oh, you'll like it here.

Look, you already know everyone.

Yeah, well, you know,

I would just kind of
like to think about it.

Think about what? If
it's that miserable,

you either quit or I unload you.

Well, as long as there's
some kind of humiliation

at the end of the tunnel.

DAN: ♪ don't drain me down ♪

♪ Chain me down or
bring me down ♪

The mirror's all steamed up.

How am I supposed to get ready

for my crappy,
stinking new career?

You gotta be polite.

Be cheerful. Kill
'em with a smile.

You know, you're right.

I'm going to go in there

and I'm gonna tell
that nice lady

that I just can't take this job.

How am I right?

Because my attitude does stink.

Hey, Rose, why don't
you give it a chance?

You've been wanting to get back
to work, get out of the house.

I do want to get
out of this house…

This hellhole…

This prison without bars…

This den of inequality…

This monkey on our backs.

Maybe you're not in the
best frame of mind.

No, no, I am in a
perfect frame of mind.

I'm in a great frame of mind.

I'm just gonna go in there…

Eek!

And I'm gonna tell
Marsha that I quit,

and that's it.

See ya.

♪ All I really want to do-oo ♪

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh! Oh!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

What time will Marsha be here?

Oh, her first appointment today

won't be until 11:00.

So why don't I go ahead
and give you the tour.

Well, I've already
seen the coffee maker,

and I've met Arthur.

Well, basically, all we need

is somebody to catch the
phone, make coffee,

and every now and then make
a path across the room

with a push broom.

Oh, and clean up after work.

I mean, I'm sure I can
do that and everything.

I just don't know if I really
even want to take this job.

Where'd you get this cut?

Oh, in Moline. Why?
Don't you like it?

Oh, it's a great look.
Real sporty.

You know people in Moline?

No. Just my parents.

Yeah? My parents are both dead.

Wow. Cool.

I am so stupid.

I am so, so stupid.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Hi. You're Roseanne?

Yeah. Hi.

Ooh, you bit these
down to the knuckles.

Yeah. Well, my real nails
are long and beautiful.

These stubs are just fake.

So what's your problem, Debbi?

Ever been married, Roseanne?

Yeah, once, and it kept
dragging on and on and on.

Tell me about it.

I've been married for 6 weeks,

and if he keeps this up,

it's going to be over.

Because I just can't take this.
This is torture.

I mean, my life is a nightmare.

Do you know what he did to me?

He tried to make me feel bad.

You poor thing.

On purpose.

You know, my first husband was
killed by a mortar attack.

Oh, bummer.

I think that says it all.

Uh, where's the filters?

So, I took in my Buick.

15 minutes they make me wait.

And not a clean chair to sit on.

Finally the fella says,
"I'll give you a loaner."

Well, I get in the car,

not only doesn't the heat work,

the windows don't
roll all the way up,

and no radio.

I saw my whole village
burn to the ground.

Oh, my god. How awful.

Yeah, but no radio…

I mean, that's no small
potatoes, either.

Could I have a little coffee?

Oh, sure.

I'll get it, Mrs. Wellman.

I take it light with just
a half pack of sweetener.

Oh, and could you put in
just a soupcon of cold water

so I don't burn my tongue.

Anything for the dog?

Didn't you used to work for me?

Yes, I did. For 11 years.

That's right.

Roxanne, isn't it?

Yeah. Roxanne Conway.

Conway.

That's right.

Hi, Meg. How you doing, honey?

Well, I've been better,

and now I think I'm getting
this flu among other things.

Have Roseanne'll
get you some tea.

Oh, no, coffee is just fine.

You know, I still have this
rough patch on my hand here.

Did you have Debbi look at that?

Yeah, I looked at it.
It's really gross.

Did you see a doctor about this?

Oh, I think you've got impetigo.

Oh, really.

What's that?

It's a skin rash.

My kids get it all the time.

It's from wiping your nose
with your hand like that.

You just need to put some
antibiotic cream on it,

you know, and then… and then…

[WHISPERING] You know…

Wash your hands every
once in a while.

All done, sweetie.

Ok, Jacques. Here we go.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Art's beauty shop. Art speaking.

What can I do for you?

Yeah. Wednesday? Let
me check the book.

Uh… let's see.

How's 10:00?

Great. Thank you.

That'll be 16 even.

Thank you, Roxanne.

Now, this is for iris,

and this… Is for you.

Oh, I couldn't accept this.

Oh, why not, Roxanne?

Because I worked for
you for 11 years,

so I already have 50 cents.

Of course you do.

Say good-bye, Jacques.

So, how do you like
the job so far?

Well, it's just like being home.

I sweep, I answer phones,
and I do laundry.

Roseanne, where are
the clean towels?

And I listen to children whine.

Uh, top cabinet, left side.

We think you're
doing a great job.

I appreciate that, but
the truth is that

I could come in here
for just half a day

and get all this stuff done.

Arthur likes having
someone full-time.

Marsha…

Arthur's dead.

Well, what would you
say to a promotion?

I'd have to say no

because I don't think I'm
gonna keep this job.

It means $2.00 more
an hour plus tips.

Tips for what?

Shampooing heads.
Can you do that?

Yeah, I can do that.

I can do anything. I'm a Conway.

Susan Noonan said that
her mother saw you

sweeping up people's hair
in the beauty parlour.

Well, you tell Susan
Noonan that I saw her mom

getting her roots bleached
and her moustache waxed.

Hey, Becky, your
mother's got a job, ok?

She's doing the best she can.

Are you wearing perfume?

Yeah. I bought it after work.

Tres chic.

Perfume?

Yeah, you know, I
figured I deserved it.

Sure you do, babe. Hey,

whatever gets you
through the day.

Actually, I… I was
kind of celebrating.

I got a promotion.

Promotion?

Promotion to what, shampoo girl?

What?

Nothing.

What?

Never mind.

What?

I'm just wrong, that's all.

Honey, I kind of expected
you would be supportive.

I was wrong.

Oh. Ok, I'm sorry.

What kind of promotion
did you get?

Shampoo woman.

I stand corrected.

You're a dead man.

Congratulations.

Good going, mom.

Thanks, Deej.

Yeah. That's great, honey.

Far cry from sweeping hair, huh?

I still do that.

So is there a raise involved
with this promotion?

Yes, but, you know,

it's not supposed to
be about the money.

It's kind of a…

It's kind of a prestige thing.

Right.

I mean 'cause, you know,

people kind of look up to you
when you're shampooing them.

They have no choice.

Hey, it's a job, right?

It's a good job.

That's what I said.
It's a good job.

No, you didn't.

You said, "hey,
it's a job, right?"

I meant to say it's a good job.

Good job.

No, it's not.

It's not a good job.
It's a degrading job,

but nobody there makes
me feel like it is.

That's your job.

Nice going, D.J.

What?

Hey, Roseanne…

I'm really sorry.

I didn't know you
liked this job.

Oh, I don't like this job.

You liked this job a
minute ago in the kitchen.

Well, I don't even
know what I like.

I mean, I like the people.

I mean, I guess I like them.

I don't really know
them or nothing,

but I like them,
and they like me,

and that just makes sweeping
up hair not so bad.

I mean, I know it's a
completely degrading job, and…

But… But I feel
happy, you know, um…

There's just something about

knowing where I'm going

when I get up in the morning

and liking the people
that I work with

and knowing that I maybe might

go back there again tomorrow…

And knowing that they want me.

I mean, I'm happy.

So what's the secret, babe?

Lower standards?

Well, I just don't think

my standards could get
any lower than you,

and I married you.

Aah!

You know, Roseanne, I never
imagined in my whole life

that I'd have you
washing my hair.

Well, I always thought about
holding your head under water

more than once.

Ok, go ahead and sit up.

Ok. Yeah. Marsha's
ready for you.

Crystal, what are you doing?

It's a tip.

You don't have to do that.

But I want to, Roseanne.

If it was anybody
else, I'd tip them.

10 bucks?

Well, just keep
it, Roseanne, ok?

But let me ask you
something, Crystal.

Are you going to come in
here every week and do this?

Well, I just might.

Well… let's make you
another appointment.

Crystal, I really
want to thank you

for helping me get this job.

Well, that's what friends
are for, Roseanne,

to be there for each other.

Think of all the things
you've done for me.

And you think 10 bucks
is going to even it?

You silly.

Let's go sit down.

Marsha's crazy about you.

Really?

Uh-huh. Everybody here loves you.
She told me.

I'm just so proud
of you, Roseanne.

Crystal, I just want
to tell you, you…

You're… you're my best friend.

Well, no, I'm not, either.
Your sister is, but…

All right. All right. All right.

Now, iris, I love what
you did last week,

but I want to try
something different.

Can you make me look like that?

Oh, I'm sure you can, iris.

I'll go get the wand.

Crystal, how you doing, honey?

I'm sorry you had to wait.

That's ok.

Marsha, I'm gonna go
over to the coffee shop

and pick up the lunches now.

Arthur always says

lunch is the second most
important meal of the day.

Uh-huh.

Dan's coming by with my kids

'cause iris is going to
cut their hair for me.

I'll see ya.

Wait till you meet Dan.
He's real nice.

He's just like a great
big old teddy bear.

Hey, Crystal, I tried that
natural clay facial mask sample

you gave me. Uh-huh.

That stuff works.

What I tell you.

My skin feels so creamy smooth.

And it gets all the gunk out
of those little clogged pores.

I need to find a new deodorant.

I'm getting all this chafing.

Hi, Dan.

Hi, Crystal. Is Roseanne around?

She'll be right back.

Hi. I'm Marsha.

Dan has great skin.

Hi, Marsha. I heard
a lot about you.

That must be Arthur.

Hey, kids, I'm gonna
be a couple minutes,

so why don't you guys
tear the place apart.

I don't think you know
what you're saying.

You don't have to stick around.

We'll keep an eye on the kids.

Well, yeah, I kind of
better wait for Roseanne.

Are you Roseanne's husband?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, he's cute.

He's…

He's very cute.

Yeah, but you need to
lose a little weight.

You're so handsome.

Don't you think he's handsome?

My nephew in Baltimore
just lost 60 pounds

on that cottage cheese
and banana diet.

That doesn't sound very healthy.

Well, I'm gonna go next
door to the hardware store.

Just tell Rosie I'll be…

Sit down. She'll be
back in 2 minutes.

Thank you.

You know, if you cut your
hair shorter in the front

and let it grow a
little in the back,

your neck would look longer.

I'm gonna go to the
hardware store.

It's not hot enough!

That's 'cause it's not on.

Oh.

I was right then.

You know, your little boy
looks just like you.

It's the hair. It's the hair.

No, I think it's the eyes.
He has very dark eyes.

You got sweet kids, Rosie.

Is it ok if I call you Rosie?

Yeah. Dan calls me Rosie.

Arthur used to call me Cheryl.

Not that it's any of
my business, Marsha,

but how long were you
and Arthur married?

11 months.

Too bad you weren't
married to him longer.

Maybe you wouldn't have
missed him so bad.

Are we ready to close up here?

My first client's
isn't till noon,

so I'm gonna come in late.

I think I'm going to run a
bigger ad this weekend.

What do you think?

That's a good idea.

You know what I
think's a good idea?

You oughta run an ad in one of
those high school newspapers.

You know, a lot of
those girls have hair.

That's a great idea.

Isn't that a great idea?

Yeah, it's a great idea.

I'll call in the morning.

Roseanne, have you made up
your mind about this job yet?

Yeah, I hate it.

Well, of course you
hate it, honey,

but are you gonna stay with us?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

But I hope it doesn't
get any better

'cause then I'd have
to get out of here.

So we'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

I'll be here.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

Good night, Arthur.