Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 15 - An Officer and a Gentleman - full transcript

Jackie plays happy homemaker with Dan and the kids when Roseanne is called away for three days for a family emergency.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[NO AUDIO FOR DIALOGUE]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It is so cold out there!

Here, have some coffee.

You're a god.

Ok, here.

How's dad?

Well, he might have broken his hip.

Mom's taking him to the hospital.

10-1 she pushed him.



Oh, cut it out.

Roseanne, I think I should

go down there with you.

No! Mom's tense enough already.

Like I am gonna make her more tense?

She is the one that makes me

more tense.

And you know how she is in a crisis.

She can't handle a crisis!

I can handle a crisis!

[DOOR SLAMS]

The car's all warmed up.

You should have plenty of gas.

I checked the oil.



Just drive careful, will ya?

The roads are real icy.

Roseanne, I…I should go
down there with you.

You're gonna need me.

No, I need you here.

He's working 12-hour days.

You need to be on monster patrol.

Ok, I'll stay here, but you better call me

as soon as you get down there.

Yeah, look, I got to go.

Ok, the kids get up at 7:00.

There's stuff in here for breakfast,

and stuff in here for making them lunch.

So, basically, the food
is in the refrigerator?

Right.

Are you going to be able to handle this?

Why don't you just help with breakfast,

and I'll give 'em some money

Andy they can buy their own lunch?

Dan, I think making three sandwiches

is within my scope of
accomplishment, really.

Ok. D.J. Doesn't eat lettuce.

What are you going to do about work?

Oh, I can figure something out

about that.

What time are you gonna be back?

Late. 6:30, 7:00.

Come on, baby, I'll walk
you back to the car.

Well, you call me.

I will.

Tell daddy I love him.

And mom.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm making them breakfast right now.

Yeah, they're all dressed.

They're all eating.

How's dad?

Well, that's not so bad.

How's mom?

Is she driving you crazy?

Yeah, there is. There's a liquor store,

like, 4 blocks from their house.

Yeah, they're all sitting
right here. Here's Becky.

Hey, mom.

D.J., Tommy's mom is gonna drive you

to school this morning,
so you have to kinda hurry.

Yeah, hang on.

Here.

Hi, mom?

D.J., that is so rude.

Aunt Jackie…

What?

Look what Becky did.

Oh! Oh…

D.J., come talk to mom.

It's all your fault, doody-head.

D.J., you're so insignificant.

I'm gonna tell mom you cursed.

Hello, mom?

Put that on.

That's not clean.

No, but it's dry.

So, you get going now, go to school.

Go…go learn something, pass a note.

I'll be home at 3:30,

unless I have detention.

Otherwise, 4:20.

It's mom…

What?

I didn't say anything.

Mom…mom, I got to go.

Mom…mom!

Mom…

she's still talking.

I got to truck.

Roseanne…no. Forget it. She's already gone.

But if you want me to,

I'll call her that when she comes home.

Help me! Help me! I'm trapped! I'm stuck!

So, listen, are you going
to be gone for the whole week?

No, it's ok. It's fine. No problem.

D.J.'s stuck in his shirt.

Well, you tell daddy I love him,

and tell mom, hi.

And, oh! What's Dan like to eat?

That's disgusting.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What?

Roseanne? Oh, hi, Jackie.

Hi, Crystal. She already left.

You speak to her?

Yeah, I just hung up from her.

Everything's fine. They're
gonna keep my dad

in the hospital for a couple of more days,

but it's not a serious break or anything.

Is he in a lot of pain?

Well, he's…he's with my
mother and my sister.

I spoke to Roseanne last night,

and she couldn't get a hold of you yet

and wasn't sure she'd be able to,

so I told her I'd come
by and just check up.

You mean check up on me,
like I couldn't handle it?

What are you trying to say?

I'm not trying to say anything.

Well, it sounds like you are.

I'm tired of everybody thinking
I can't handle everything.

I might not do everything exactly the way

Roseanne would do it if Roseanne was here,

or the way that you would do it

if you were here,

but I think I can handle three kids

for three days.

Why do you always take everything I say

the wrong way?

Well, maybe everything you say

comes out the wrong way.

And what way's that?

Oh, you know,

in that proper, polite, annoying,

Crystal kind of way.

And what's with the accent?

You grew up in Lanford, just like we did.

[WITH A DRAWL] My father came…

BOTH: From Arkansas.

Now look, Jackie,

I know you're upset with your dad,

in the hospital and all,

but that doesn't mean I gotta stand here

and take any of your crap!

My life isn't all sunshine and Roses,

you know.

Well you sure as hell
make it sound that way

with the little cosmetics bag

and your pink kitchen chairs.

I'm sorry you don't like
my kitchen chairs, Jackie.

And believe me when I say

it will distress me throughout the day!

Oh…

Why don't you just tell Roseanne I came by.

Crystal, wait.

I'll see you around.

Crystal, hold on, wait a second. Crystal!

What? Crystal…

I think you owe me an apology.

I apologise.

Good. Now, what needs to be done?

Well, I should probably go to the store.

I know they're out of peanut butter,

you know, that crunchy kind.

Is that what the kids like?

I don't know. It's what I like.

What are you doin' here?

Playing housewife.

I don't believe this room's ever

been used for that before.

I got the week off… personal time.

One of the benefits of the Lanford P.D.

You hungry?

I don't believe you, Jackie.

I've never seen you like this.

Like what?

Well, you know.

I mean, did you clean this place?

Yeah. Well, I had a lot of help.

The girls really pitched in.

Is this 714 Delaware street?

Yeah.

My girls? Yeah.

Where are they now?

Everybody's upstairs doing their homework.

Ha ha, sucker.

Well, they cleaned up without complaining.

How did you get them to do that?

Cash.

You bribed them?

Yeah. And while I was giving them money,

I told them how it would be real bad

for their mom to come home

to a filthy house, disgusting house.

You laid a guilt trip on them.

Oh, shut up and eat your pot roast.

You made pot roast?

Crystal helped.

Crystal makes great pot roast.

Well, it was her recipe, but I cooked it.

Of course, she did call up at 6:30

and make sure the gravy was right.

Milk.

Calcium.

Right.

Would you like to join me,

or did you already eat?

I'm not really that hungry.

Boy, you're home kind of late.

Yeah. I had six guys in by 7:30.

We only got through the middle driveway

by lunch.

The architect came by, though.

He said he was gonna take me up

on a c-brace idea for the interior.

Your idea. Right.

You know, just him taking up

that little suggestion is going to save

a lot of time.

Well, I'm sure that he could tell

you knew what you were talking about.

Yep. You know,

it's a big job, but it's great.

I got 11 guys working under me.

5 weeks work.

Most contractors can't even get work now.

This is the slowest time of year.

That's great, Dan.

Didn't Roseanne tell you?

No. Oh, yeah.

I'm hitting the big time.

I'm a regular big shot.

No kidding. Well, I always told sis

that you were gonna make it big.

Yeah, right.

No, I did.

Yeah. You got any more pota…potatoes?

So, four aces construction
is really booming, huh?

Well, maybe soon you'll be able to add

that fifth ace. Is it good?

This is as good a pot roast

as I've ever had.

Oh, now, you're just saying that.

No. I'm in love with this pot roast.

The big question is…

Is there any apple sauce?

No.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes, we have sauce!

I may have to upgrade you

from sister-in-law to friend.

Oh, Dan, that's really sweet.

Well, I just want you to know

I really appreciate you coming over

and helping out like this.

You know, I like you like this.

What?

You know…nice.

Thank you.

[HUMMING
LEAVE IT TO BEAVER THEME]

What are you doing here?

I work here, remember?

Oh, French toast. I'm impressed.

I can cook.

It's just no fun cooking for one person.

Why is everybody so
surprised that I can cook?

Not everybody.

Just the people that know you.

There's fresh juice on the table.

Fresh squeezed?

No, but it's freshly opened.

Should I put some coffee in your Thermos?

No, I can do it.

No. No, I'll do… you sit down

and eat your breakfast.

What? What's so funny?

I just had a flashback.

Roseanne was like this, too…

For the first two weeks.

There was some pot roast
left over last night,

so I made you a sandwich
for your lunch today, ok?

I feel like I'm being set up

for a hit here.

Dan, do you think you might
be late again tonight?

About the same. Why?

It's just that the kids were missing you.

I don't think Darlene trusts me

to check her homework.

Darlene did her homework?

Oh, yeah. We sat down here at the table

and talked, and she did her work.

She's a great kid, Dan.

Where are you going?

I got to go. I'm gonna be late.

Well, you have to have breakfast.

I'll eat it in the truck.

Boy, it smells great, though.

Well, wait, now, wait, wait a second.

There.

Thanks. See you later, honey.

Ok, dear.

But you call if you'll be real late.

Will do.

Darlene, Becky, D.J., breakfast is ready!

I made French toast!

Jack!

What's the haps, jack?

Ooh, la, la, the toast franchaise.

Good morning, you two.

Darlene, you're wearing make-up?

No.

Your cheeks are so rosy.

I don't think the heat
was working last night.

Oh, actually I turned the heat off

before I left last night.

Not good to sleep with the house too warm.

Did you sleep ok?

Yeah, I did.

Aunt Jackie,

what do you think of this outfit?

I like it. Kind of sexy.

Yeah. Mom doesn't like it.

Well, mom's not here.

Well, all right, jack!

So, how long you think the big R

will stay south?

Well, I think she's gonna be gone

a couple more days at least.

Yes! Awesome.

Maybe on Saturday

we can do a mall marathon.

All right. That'd be fun.

Is it all right if my friend Jody

comes with us?

I think Jodi's a dip.

We can just go, the three of us.

Yeah. We'll make better time that way.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, speaking of time,

Becky, could you run go get your brother.

She's eating. I'll get him.

Ok.

Thanks, dar.

J-bird, you're

an experienced woman, right?

Well, I'm not all that experienced.

But you have dated a lot of boys.

Yes, and a couple of men.

Well, at least one.

Ok, this guy Roy in my English class?

He's a major babe. Yeah?

And I know that he likes me,

but he doesn't know that I like him.

I don't want to do anything weak,

like write him a note

or have someone else tell him for me.

Mm. Well, what always
worked for me was a look.

Because the great thing about a look

is you can never say the wrong thing.

Brilliant!

I got D.J.

I want to watch TV!

Oh, no, D.J. Not now.

We're running kind of late.

Come on.

Are you gonna be here

when I get home from school?

Absolutely.

Maybe we can play some dirty scrabble.

You can count on it.

Ok, everybody! Time for school! Here we go.

Front and centre, chop-chop!

[LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
THEME PLAYING]

I've been on this job for six days,

and already the company's got

two firm offers for future work.

Man, this is great.

I mean, when it rains, it pours.

I'm even thinking of getting another truck

and hiring on a new guy permanent.

Well, I am pretty proud of you.

I'm proud of me, too.

You should be, Dan.

You've taken this company from nothing

and made it into really, really a success.

That's me… a success.

Want to hand me the dish rag?

No, just hand them to me.

I'll dry.

I've never washed dishes
with another woman before.

Really?

How does it feel?

Cheap.

So this is what marriage is all about.

You come home from work.

Have dinner with your spouse.

Wash the dishes together.

Shoot the breeze.

Go to sleep.

You're glamorising it.

I think it would be really comforting

to have somebody to talk to,

when you come home.

Or at least have somebody be there

when you come home.

It is, for the most part.

Not that I've ever had anybody.

What about that cop you were seeing…bob?

Bob?

You mean Dave? Yeah. Dave.

Oh, I'm not seeing him anymore.

There is another cop, though…Paul.

You better pace yourself, Jackie,

or you're gonna run out of cops.

You'll have to dip into the firemen's pool.

I've dated firemen. Firemen are ok.

They're usually always on time.

So, tell me about this Paul.

What's his problem?

Oh, I don't know what his problem is.

He calls and he comes over,

tells me he's gonna call the next day,

and then he never calls.
And when he does call,

I have to pretend like I'm busy,

because I can't have him
thinking I'm available

every time he calls.

So…so I'm sitting around

spending a lot of time
looking like I'm busy.

That's what makes a good cop.

But I am a good cop.

I know, I just said you were a…

but you were kidding.
'Cause I am a good cop.

I know. I'm sorry. I forgot.

I have to watch myself
before I pay you a compliment.

You're not used to hearing that from me.

So maybe next time you're gonna

compliment me,

you better warn me first.

Anyway, that's the story about Paul.

Hey, jack, you gotta
lay down the law to these guys.

I mean, you shouldn't be treated like that.

That's the way guys are, Dan.

No, they're not. Not all of them.

I'm not like that.

Well, then I guess I should go out and find

a perfect guy like you.

Yeah, perfect.

No, you know, just a good job,

charming, decent…

Three kids and a wife.

That's never stopped you before.

Sorry. Cheap shot.

I should have grabbed you

when I first saw you.

No chance. No?

What, me date a freshman?

Are you kidding?

No way.

I bet that you don't remember…

The first time we met.

I do. So do I.

No, you don't. Ok, I don't.

But I was kind enough

to let my sister have you.

"Kind"? Is that the word you used? "Kind"?

Yes. I stepped aside

and I held back all my budding

teenage passions.

I'd better let this soak till tomorrow.

Yeah, I'll get that tomorrow.

What time are you leaving?

Early. Tomorrow's going to be a bear.

You are so funny.

What?

I embarrassed you.

You didn't embarrass me.

You know…

You didn't embarrass me.

You know, used to have a crush on you

in a big way back then.

You did?

Yeah, I thought you were pretty cute.

You want a beer?

Now I am embarrassing you.

No, you're not embarrassing me.

Hell, I thought you were cute, too.

You hated me.

Yeah, I hated you,
but I thought you were cute.

Really?

Yeah…

You just got on my nerves, that's all.

I still get on your nerves.

Yeah.

So tell me more about paaaul.

Oh…well, he's…

he's basically a nice guy.

But he's a…

Liar.

But not like a vicious liar.

He tells me he's got an '87 car,

and it's really an '85.

You know, the little things like that.

You kill me, Jackie.

You deserve better than
the guys you go out with.

I mean, you're smart, you're fun,

you're nice looking.

You mean that in a good way?

Yes, I do.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Aw…

[RING]

Hello.

Hey, honey, how are you doing?

Yeah, how's it goin'?

Aw, man…

Well, you're not going to
be there that much longer.

Listen, I'm going to take off. Bye.

Hang on, Roseanne.

Jackie, you leaving?

Yeah. Tell her hi, and
I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, Jackie.

We just lost the poly high game 27-14.

You were standing on the north-east corner

of the football field

with that red-headed girl.

And she had on an orange sweater,

and you had on a Gray hooded sweat shirt.

Jackie…

Drive careful.

Thank you.

Hi, baby.

I miss you.

It's mom!

Hey, dad, mom's home!

I think your hair is so cute.

It's really wild, too.

When did you get that done?

Oh, well, in the hospital,

mom was driving dad nuts.

So the doctor said I should take her

to the beauty shop, you know,

and they got a hold of me, too.

Scarlet, you're back…

Dorothy Hamill style.

I cleaned my closet.

You actually found your closet?

We're close to winning
the division championship.

Mom, mom, mom!

What?

Did you miss me?

Not one bit.

Did you miss me?

Yeah.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Well, you guys have lunch?

[LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
THEME PLAYING]