Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 13 - Chicken Hearts - full transcript

I need sneakers, mom!

Yeah, right.

So I'm gonna drop you
off at your game a little bit early

and then if Becky ever
finishes the living room,

we'll all go down to the budget club

and I'll get your sneakers,

and I'll pick up that tire for the car.

Your game ought to be finished by then.

Then alls I'll have left to do

is go in for my bikini wax.

- Give me my paper.
- What are you doin'?



I am runnin' this house
with no help from you.

And doin' a hell of a job.

All right, what do you want me to do?

You weren't even listening.

- Yeah, I was.
- What did I say?

I don't know. Something
about turtle-waxing your bikini.

Enhhh! I'm sorry, Mr. Conner.

I guess that handsome dinette set

will have to go to our returning champion.

Why can't we do all this on Sunday?

'Cause there's a game on Sunday
your mom wants to watch.

Yeah.

Becky, plate.

Honey? Feeling a little tense,



irritable,

peckish?

Maybe it's your hair colour.

Maybe it's my job.

Maybe you should quit that job.

And do what?

All the power jobs are taken.

Margaret's running England,

Vanna's turnin' the letters over,

and Delta Burke has her own damn TV show.

Are you gonna be late tonight?

No. I only got a half day's
worth of finishing work to do.

Well, I gotta go, because
I got a staff meeting,

and my boss freaks out if anybody's late.

You mind gettin' dinner tonight?

Ok.

Well, you stand up

and then you go over here

and take the stuff out
of this cold box. Brr!

And then you trot it right over here

and you stick it in this hot box.

What was that middle part again?

Pick up a gross of bowling balls

on the way home, will ya?

…and another thing,

uniforms.

Starch those apron bows, ladies.

Wash them every day

and get your mom's to iron them.

Oh, I have a question.

What if your mom has really bad
rheumatoid arthritis, you know?

And, uh, say she's, like,
living on the other side

of the international date line, you know?

Then should you, like,
get your kids to do it?

I don't care, like, who does it,

but we have gotta start
looking like professionals

or no one's gonna take us seriously.

Um, the beak keeps falling off my apron.

And let's perk up the customers, all right?

They eat more.

"They…eat…more."

He's takin' notes.

Since I thought of having the
feedback box put in… yeah?

Gotten a lot of disturbing
complaints about the fries.

"Oily and no taste."

Oh, no, that was about the owners.

MANAGER: Now…

So far, the biggest complaint
we've had is speed…

people waiting 5, 6 minutes for orders.

Now, this is supposed to
be fast food, people,

and we can't exactly call it fast.

Why not? We call it food.

Look…

The bottom line here

is that some of you are just
not playing to capacity…

Which means I've had to do some platooning

and juggle the schedule a bit.

So, Jay,

Wednesdays and Fridays, you're on nights.

Come on, Brian, man.

All right, Andrew and Debbie,

Mondays and Thursdays, you open.

I, uh…I do have a big
math test on Monday, but…

I…I will be here.

Uh, Roseanne,

you're off on Wednesday, but…

You're here on Saturday.

Ok, that's it. Let's open.

Now, remember, perky!

Um, Brian…

Remember we had this discussion?

I can't work on weekends
because I have a family.

Well, this is a family, too.

Yeah, but it ain't my family.

Look, Roseanne, weekends
are what it's all about,

and I need somebody fast.

Well, I can be flexible.

I could slow down.

Look, I'm gonna tell you
something right now, all right?

That negative attitude of yours,
it's gonna get you nowhere.

This is nowhere.

I don't like working weekends, either.

I know, and that's why you never do.

You just sit up there in your office

like a little chicken Napoleon,

making your little chicken schedules

that screw up everybody's life.

I told you in the beginning
I was not workin' weekends.

You are paid to follow my orders.

Now, it isn't always pretty,

but this is the business we've chosen.

You got a big booger
hangin' out of your nose.

Is this moisturiser any good?

Everything I got is good.

That's one of my big sellers.

Hey, you know? I'm gonna
ask for a second district.

Really? That's great.

Oh, Roseanne, I like this prussian blue.

Oh, yeah.

That will look great with your cop uniform.

Roseanne, did I tell you?

My T.O. Let me take the collar on a D.W.I.

N.O.

They usually don't let
rookies take the collar.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's great.

How about you, Roseanne,
how's your job goin'?

Sometimes I wish I was still
back at Wellman, I swear.

[GASPS] Bite your tongue.

And now he's gonna make me work weekends.

You're kidding!

Have you talked to him and
told him how you feel?

Well, of course you have.

Roseanne, you should quit that job.

And do what, go back into medicine?

Now, I'm serious. Have you
really tried talking to him?

You know, butter him up,
turn on the old charm.

Hey, I'm not kissing up
to some dweeby little kid

just 'cause he holds my life in his hands.

You don't have to kiss up to him.

Just treat him a little better.

You know how to do it.

Yeah, like not calling
him "the little maggot."

Believe me, Roseanne, I
wouldn't be where I am today

if I didn't know how to handle people.

Truth is, Roseanne, you could use some work

on your interpersonal relationships.

Stick it.

She's an expert on
interpersonal relationships.

She's raising 3 kids.

Just imagine Brian as one of your kids.

JACKIE, LAUGHING: I'm serious.

You know how to handle that guy.

Yeah. You're the most
manipulative person I know.

No, I mean really.

You know, up until this weekend thing,

that job was workin' out pretty good.

I was able to be home before D.J. Got here.

It was this close to being bearable.

Uh-oh. Big powwow in the hen house.

Get in here.

Yes, dear.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Ooh, a threesome!

You wish. How was your day?

You won't believe.

Oh, man, so I unloaded the
rest of that sheet rock

on Eddie Griswold.

Good. Well, we're talkin' about me now.

You know Brian?

The little maggot?

He's gonna make me work weekends.

Why didn't you tell him you couldn't?

Oh, gee, now, why didn't I think of that?

We were just suggesting
that she use her natural abilities

and suck up to the guy.

You catch more flies with
honey than with vinegar.

Oh, a meeting of minds.

That's good advice, Roseanne.

That's how careers are made.

Just treat the guy like you respect him

and, uh, act like you think he's great,

and keep your real feelings to yourself.

Oh, you mean, uh,

I should treat him like he's my husband?

Bingo.

You just treat him like you treat me,

and I guarantee you he won't wanna
be anywhere near you on weekends.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm so bad at making decisions.

Do you have anything
that's low-cholesterol?

Napkins.

All right. I'll take…

The number 2 dinner.

No. Number 4.

No, wait.

I don't know.

Do you need some more time
to make up your mind?

You know, that way I could go ahead

and wait on this guy behind you

who's drooling all over your shoulder.

Yeah, ok. No, I'll order now.

Yeah. Ok…

No. I'll order now.

[HUMMING OLD MACDONALD'S FARM]

What would you recommend?

Psychotherapy.

All right. I know.

Give me the chicken dainty platter.

What the heck, you only live once, right?

Yeah, and why drag it out?

3.50.

Roseanne, go ahead and
clear out your register.

Hey, hey, Brian.

You know, your mustang is looking awesome.

Yeah, well, it's a classic.

Oh, for sure.

Have a nice day, sir.

Please come again.

Um, you know,

if you ever need that little beauty washed,

uh, my dad does run the jack-o-wash,

and all my friends get in for free.

They use rags or brushes?

Well, anything you want.

Just say you're a friend of mine…

Andrew.

That's good to know. I'll keep it in mind.

No sweat, guy.

He's such a suck-up.

Brian?

If I stay late tonight to do side work,

I'm gonna be into overtime for the week,

and you told me to always let you know.

So, is that ok?

'Cause I could really use the extra money.

No. Go home. Have a good night.

Andrew,

you feel like working some overtime?

Cool.

All right. Clean out the fry bins.

Roseanne, you can head out, too.

Well, don't feel bad, Tina.

It's not worth acting like Andrew

just to get your own car.

That's for sure.

'Course, unless you've got
a husband and 3 kids.

That's for sure.

Yeah. I guess you can catch
more flies with manure

than you can with honey.

Damn it!

What?

I can't fasten the choke spring!

What…what are you makin'?

Do you know anything about carburettors?

They go under the hood. Why?

I'm in big trouble.

What's the matter?

I'm flunking shop.

Well, that's a sign of intelligence.

I can't afford to flunk shop.

'Cause if my grade point
average falls below 3.5,

then the school won't let me keep my job

and if I lose my job, I lose my car…

And if I lose my car, I'm nothing.

Well, I don't mean to
drop names or nothin',

but I just happen to know the
best carburettor man in town.

I don't suppose he owes you a favour?

Yeah, about 15 years worth…

Boss.

[VACUUM CLEANER RUNNING]

Brian Kamen is coming here for dinner?

Doofy Brian Kamen?!

No, Mr. Brian Kamen,

my boss.

Why is he eating here? He has parents.

'Cause your dad's gonna
help him with something.

With what, a zit?

And we're just going to happen to have

his favourite dinner on the table, too.

What's his favourite dinner?

Wieners.

Even the flat-heads don't
hang out with him.

Where is your brother?

He's playing hide-and-go-seek.

With who?

With you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Where's he hiding?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Well, I sure hope I'm gonna be able

to find him before we have dinner.

Gee, I wonder where he…[GASPS]

David Jacob, I see you.

You're it! Now you hide.

No, you go hide for me

'cause you are so good at bein' it.

Ok.

Hey, hi, sis. How you doin'?

Pretty good. My! Expecting company?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Anybody good?

No.

What a laugh you'll have when I tell you.

Oh, tell me, tell me, tell me.

My boss.

The little maggot?

Uh-huh.

Well, very good, Roseanne.

I'm very proud of you.

What time is he comin' over?

He'll be here in about a half-hour.

Plenty of time for you to eat

and get out of here before he comes up.

Oh, I can stay.

I don't go on duty till 8:00.

No. I don't want you to see me grovel.

Please. Let me stick around

for the initial greasing.

No. You'll just make everything worse.

How do I make it worse?

With that great knack you have

for saying the wrong
thing at the wrong time.

Well, Dan's gonna be here,

and you're always saying
how tactless he is.

Hi, Jackie.

How's the herpes?

Did you get good chips?

Yeah. 26-packs of bailey's
old-style root beer.

Where's D.J.?

I'll look for him later.

I think you're going way
overboard on this deal.

Isn't it enough that I have to
rebuild junior's carburettor for him?

Are you kiddin' me? You're
the one that told me

to kiss up to the guy in the first place.

I didn't tell you to kiss up to him.

I just said treat him right.

Oh, please,

you've gotta let me stick
around and watch this.

Jackie, go to work.

And he better bring his own
tools, 'cause he's not usin' mine.

Dan, he can use anything he wants

as long as I don't have
to work on Saturday.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Would somebody let the little maggot in?!

Hi. Hope I'm not late.

I came right from the office.

Let me take your coat for ya, huh?

Oh, thanks.

You look familiar.

Yeah?

You go to Lanford, right?

Yeah.

Fifth period lunch, right?

Yeah.

How you doin'? Dan Conner.

Husband, father, carburettor specialist.

Oh, I really appreciate…

come on out to the garage.

You can hear the dinner bell from there.

You know, I got as far as
putting on the choke spring,

but I didn't know what to do after that,

coming over here was a good start.

Yeah. That's the truth.

Look, uh…

Can we talk man-to-man here, pal?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Good.

Well, here's the deal…

I don't wanna be a shop teacher,

and you don't wanna be a garage mechanic.

So, why don't you just let me
put this thing together for you,

you take it in, you get the credit,

and you ease up on my wife.

I have never come on to your wife.

Good.

Good. Um…

But what I was talking about
was making her work weekends.

Look, Mr. Conner, I have a job to do.

Whoops! Mr. Fumble-thumbs!

Parts everywhere.

Roseanne's the best
person I got down there.

Really, that's… that's the only reason

I want her working on the weekends.

Well, we need her to work here on weekends.

Schedules can be changed.

Good.

I could've had a new car right away,

but when I saw my stinger,

ohh…

It was like falling in love.

Oh, so that's what falling in love is like.

Yes, dear. It's like car ownership.

Yep. So I waited.

I saved up for an entire year,

and now I am the owner

of one lean, mean driving machine.

And the women go wild for it.

More milk?

Actually, I should get going.

Already?

Yeah. Uh…

Thanks for dinner, though.

It was really nice meeting all of you.

Yep.

A million thanks.

You're keeping the, uh, Kamen legend alive.

Don't mention it.

Um, Brian,

uh, I really do need to
talk to you about work.

Roseanne, I think my office
is the place for that.

Well, let's just go step
into my office, huh?

It won't take long.

I just wanted you to see,

you know, how important my family is

and how important it is we're together,

'cause weekends are the only
time that we have together.

Roseanne…

I mean, I wanna be a team player

and all like that, you know,

but my family's really
important to me, too.

Roseanne, I understand that
you need to be with your family.

You do?

Yeah, and you can't work weekends.

That's what you're saying, right?

Yeah. Exactly.

Well, there it is.

You can pick up your last check on Monday.

What?!

You're fired.

What the hell's wrong with you, bub?

What the hell's wrong with you?

You been in this house 3 hours,

you couldn't say something about this…

hey, now, wait a minute.

Hey, you wait a minute, pal!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

What's the matter with you?

I had to do your homework
for you, and now you fire…

Dan, please.

Ok, now just slow down.

Now, you're firing me
over this weekend thing, right?

I mean, you're really firing me?

Hey, I'm sorry.

You're sorry? You're gonna be sorry,

'cause I'm the best worker
you've got down there.

No. You're fast, but your attitude stinks.

Well, something stinks in here, Bri,

but it ain't my attitude.

Listen, kid, I need that job,

and I hate like hell that
I do, but I need it.

And I'm not workin' there because
I don't have enough allowance.

I'm paying a mortgage and
puttin' food on the table

and buying clothes for 3 kids.

I don't think you even understand that.

I don't think you understand anything.

You're not, uh, grown-up
enough yet to understand

that your life doesn't always turn
out the way you plan it to be,

and sometimes you end up doing stuff

that you thought you'd never
do in a million years,

but you still have to do it

'cause there's nothing else you can do.

Oh, you don't wanna leave
without your carburettor…

And your coil spring.

And here's your…

Butterfly valve.

And don't forget your…

Secondaries.

Brian…

Would you like fries with that?

[WHISTLES]

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's an occasion.

Yeah.

I've definitely sunk to
an all-time new low.

I've been fired by opie.

Well, let's look at it this way.

Kid's a loser.

By the time he's our age, he'll be a…

Lonely, bitter multimillionaire.

I pity him.

Well…

You'll definitely have more time

to spend with your family now.

Cozy evenings around the hearth…

Sing-alongs.

It'll be loads of fun. Hmm.

Yeah, till we have to break down

and eat one of the children.

We're ok.

I been workin' a lot. I got stuff lined up.

You'll find something,

something better.

Yeah, I've been thinking
about a career in diplomacy.

I think that's definitely your calling.

Maybe an ambassadorship.

Yeah. To the Bahamas.

Oh, there's loads of unrest down there.

They'll need somebody who can lay
on the beach and drink margaritas.

Yeah. And just imagine
all the gala luncheons,

the parties, the Dances…

I hear they're hiring over at bucky burger.

D.J.!

Nothing? Nothing.

D.J., bedtime!

Game's over, son!

He's not in the garage.

I don't think he's in the house.

Well, he's gotta be somewhere.

Well, maybe we ought to call somebody.

[WHISPERS] Dan…

[SLEEPILY] You're it.