Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 11 - Lobocop - full transcript

Working two jobs, Roseanne finds she and Dan are drifting apart and turns to Jackie for support.

Becky!

What is the matter with you?

It's 20 degrees outside,

and he's out there without a hat.

I'm not his keeper.

Now can I go back outside and play?

No, you put on a hat or else
leave your head inside.

Aww.

Becky, I'm working two jobs here.

Now unless you want to
go out and get a job,

I need you to be an
adult when I'm at work.



Well, if I'm an adult,

then how come I can't see Bon Jovi

in Chicago next week?

'Cause you're too young.

Wait a minute. I thought
I was an adult.

If you were an adult, you
wouldn't even like Bon Jovi.

Where's your sister?

I don't know. Who cares?

Did she go over to Cindy's house?

Mother, I don't know.

She doesn't check in with me.

Hello? Hi, Gloria. It's Roseanne.

Did Darlene come home with Cindy?

Yeah… no… ok, well, if she
does come over there,



tell her I need her to get
her butt home right away.

Thanks. Bye.

Mother, when can I talk to you?

How's June?

I'm serious. I need to
talk to you about Jimmy.

We're having problems.

Can we talk about it
tomorrow over breakfast?

Oh, sure. In front of everyone.

Well, do you want me to wake you
when I come home at 2:30 A.M.?

Mother, I haven't seen you all week.

You're neglecting me.

I know, honey, but
it's nothing personal.

I'm neglecting your
brother and sister, too.

Very funny.

Ok. I'll be in the shower

at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

Dan. Right?

Right.

I thought you said you were
gonna be home early today.

Hey, a man can dream, can't he?

Well, Joey messed up the lumber order,

and once he finally got it right,

he sent it to the job we
were workin' at last week.

Well, maybe the driver
was just too embarrassed

to go over to the red
velvet massage parlour.

Maybe.

But you were there, weren't you?
Bright and early.

Roseanne, it's a job, all right?
Give me a break.

Well, you must be so
proud working there.

Of course, it doesn't have the prestige

of working at chicken divine

or the lobo lounge, but…

It's a massage parlour, Dan.

At least the only breasts I
see are dipped in batter.

Same here.

I hate this place. I hate this place.

I hate this place. I hate this place.

How you doing, Lizzie?

Oh, fine.

What you got?

You're going to love this…

I need a long island iced tea,

a sloe gin fizz,

and a golden Cadillac.

Three shots coming up.

Stick umbrellas in them.

They'll never know the difference.

Yeah.

Darlene called and said, and I quote,

"do not pass a cow. I am home."

Oh, great.

How's your kid doing. Better?

He's coughing some, but
mom's got him tonight.

How about yours?

Oh, they're ok. Of
course, I don't know.

I only see them 20 minutes a day.

How's Dan?

Sorry.

Is that my head, or you want something?

I could use another.

What, another liver?

Yeah, last year we went
up to lake wapello.

Course, by the time we got up there,

it was too late to do any fishing

'cause the wife doesn't
know how to read a map.

Well, reading maps are more
a guy's thing, I think,

'cause only guys understand
1 inch equalling 100 miles.

Rosie, you make a lousy drink.

But fortunately, you got the
attitude to go with it.

I can tell that y'all appreciate me

by how well you're tipping.

Oh, wait a minute. You're
not tipping at all, are you?

Sorry. Hope I didn't embarrass nobody,

did I?

About time.

Last call!

Isn't that Annie Clement's husband?

Where?

Over there, latched onto that blonde.

It sure is.

What a creep.

I hate men. I hate blondes.

I hate this whole place.

Lizzie, would you go
home with me tonight?

What do you think?

Hey, Larry.

Hi, Rosie.

How's your wife?

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

How come you ain't wearing
your wedding ring, Larry?

Oh, oh! Rosie, easy, easy.

Hey, your wife's due
any day, isn't she, Larry?

So what's that make, five kids now?

There's Billy and Petey and Randy…

Give her my regards, Larry.

Dan… honey?

I'm home.

[SNORT]

[ALARM BUZZES]

[HUMMING]

Get off me.

Tell your father there's
cold cuts in the fridge

and don't let the soup boil over

'cause it'll ruin the stove.

Yes, sir.

Gee, Dan, that was almost a kiss.

Almost.

I'm really getting tired of
cold sandwiches for dinner.

Maybe if your father had made
sure you girls did the dishes,

I wouldn't have had to do them

when I came home
last night at 2:30 a.M.

Then I would've had more time to
fix something hot for dinner.

But, obviously, he was just too
busy watching Monday night football

or Tuesday night butt ball

or whatever the hell it is he watches.

I believe he was watching
Darlene do her homework.

Ooh, how dare I take a second job

when there's seventh grade
algebra to be done.

It's not worth fighting
about, you guys.

I got more to do tonight.

You know, seeing as how

you're the only one around
here who has a job,

I'll see if I can do
the housework tonight

to your satisfaction,
your royal highness.

Of course, I was just out
playing johnny builder

with my little pals all day.

Oh, Dan, are you feeling ignored?

Are you feeling unappreciated?

You'll be feeling single
in about two seconds.

Oh, well, there's a huge threat.

You guys are so weak.

Are you gonna get around to
doing the laundry sometime,

or should I do that, too?

Let's see. I got a vacation
coming up in about 6 months.

Fine. I'll do it.

You know, Dan, there is just

nothing I would rather do right now

than to stay here and argue
back and forth with you,

but, unfortunately,
I have to go to work

because that's all I ever do, is work.

So I'll see all of you
lovely people later,

when I get home from work.

It's a nice try, Roseanne, but
quilting me isn't going to work!

ROSEANNE: Hey. Hey.

Hey, you guys…

Hey!

Hey, Fred and Ginger,
there's no dancing in here.

We ain't dancing, we're cooking.

Well, turn off the stove.

We don't have a cabaret license.

Hey!

That's the third time you
guys bumped into me, pal.

You want to do something about it?

You think I'm afraid to hit her?

Knock it off.

Hey, I ain't messing around, Rosie.

I'll flatten that broad.

Sit down and shut up.

Hey, honey, I need you
to get him out of here.

Who are you, my mother?

Well, it could be.

The sixties were such a blur.

Rosie, you need help with her?

Sit!

Hey, Liz… What?

You got any quarters?

No, all my money's tied
up in real estate.

Sorry, Joe.

Hey, it comes with the territory.

You know, I once killed a guy in Korea

just by pressing on his throat.

Uh-huh.

You want to come home
with me tonight, Rosie?

Well, that's a wonderful offer, Joe,

but I'm a married woman.

Not a happily married woman,

but a married woman, nonetheless.

Are we playing strip poker, or what?

All right.

That's it, twinkletoes!

I'm sick and tired

of you and your hussy bumping into me.

I'm getting really tired of your mouth.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, you guys wanna take that outside?

You want to make us?

Oh, great. Bring him into it.

You're even dumber than you look!

Who you calling dumb?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, guys. Come on, now.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh… nothing much.

Just two guys trying to
kill each other there.

Hey!

Come on. Come on, guys, break it up.

I got it, sarge!

Hey!

Break it up!

Come on, back it up!

SERGEANT: Come on, let's
take this outside.

Get it outside!

Hey, Rosie, do you think your sister

might like to come
home with me tonight?

Andy, let me ask you a question.

Be honest with me, would you?

Sure.

What's the longest you and Helen

have ever gone without having sex?

You mean with each other?

Come on, man, I'm serious.

The year we had Paulie.

We went most of hockey season,

right up to the Stanley cup.

Why? I don't know.

Ohh.

You having problems in
the boodiere department?

If you mean the boudoir
department, I guess.

Not major, but I guess.

You know, she's working a lot.
I'm working a lot.

Uh, Dan, you're not rinsing them right.

You get a spot if you
don't rinse them right.

You know, for somebody who's supposed
to be the king of his castle,

you sure know an awful lot
about washing dishes.

I'm always watching Helen do it.

You don't think I'd touch a dish?

Only with your tongue.

All right, Danny. I'll
tell you what to do.

You set the alarm clock for 4:00 a.M.

You wake her up.

You put on a little
Julio Iglesias music.

Then you treat her

to a, uh, moonlight tango in the buff.

Andy, I'm trying to talk to you here.

What, what? She doesn't
like it in the morning?

Andy, she gets off of work at 2:30 a.M.

I'm supposed to wake her up at 4:00

and say roll over and cha-cha?

Buddy, buddy, pal, the worst
thing to do is think about it.

The more you think about it,
the more pressure you feel.

The more pressure you feel,

the less spontaneous you feel.

And if you ain't spontaneous,

how you going to be romantic?

So tell me, how bad is it?

Let me put it this way.

I'm having problems in the
"boodiere" department,

and I'm discussing it with you.

You look pretty sharp back there, sis.

You got any idea what you're doing?

Not a clue.

But that's me lately.

Lost.

Lost in the fog that
has become my life.

The ungraspable cloud
that is my existence.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What's the ungraspable cloud stuff?

Nothing.

You gonna stick around for a while?

You want me to?

If you want to.

I want to know what's wrong, Roseanne.

I'm a cop and withholding
information is a…

You know, it's… it's bad.

Dan's been working
a lot more this winter.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

Yeah. Well…

Like he's got this really big job

at this red velvet massage parlour.

You know? You can imagine
what that's like.

Oh, have you seen the women
who work down there?

They walk around in these
see-through body stockings

and tacky little high heels.

You're making me feel a lot better.

I'm kidding.

I know.

I know, but, uh…

Dan, you know,

he's just been under a
lot of pressure lately.

You know? He… he's like picking at me

for the little tiniest things.

And we just… We got
like no time together.

You know what I mean?

Well, you're both working long hours.

You're bound to get cranky.

Yeah, and it's… Having an effect on us.

Sure. He gets cranky, you get crankier.

We're not having sex.

No.

Yes.

How long has it been?

What month is this?

Have you tried setting
the alarm for 4:00 A.M.

And…

Put on a little James brown?

You got to be kidding me.

Well, what's more
important… sex or sleep?

Well, I'm too tired to
answer that right now.

I just think Dan… He doesn't even
like me anymore, you know? I'm…

ohh.

It's like… I'm not, you know…

I'm not turning him on.

Roseanne, Dan loves you.

I don't know.

Just something's wrong, you know.

It's like I'm doing something wrong.

It's like he doesn't even want to…

He doesn't want to kiss me anymore.

Wait a second. How come you
automatically think it's your fault?

Well, it's…

Because it is.

Well, have you even
talked to him about it?

No! And don't you say
nothing to him, either.

'Cause you know how he gets

if I go telling you all
this personal stuff.

Yeah, right. Like I'm
going to go talk to Dan

about your guys' sex life.

She thinks you don't like her anymore.

Jackie…

now, you think what's
between you and my sister

is none of my business.

If it wasn't for me,

she never would've married you.

What did she tell you?

She didn't tell me anything.

It's just that she's my
sister and I know her.

Why would she think
I don't like her anymore?

I don't know. That's what I'm trying…

now, I'm just throwing some things

off the top of my head here,

but could it be that you're
not making love to her?

No, it could not be that.

'Cause I can
only say that, speaking as a woman,

nothing hurts worse than thinking

that the man you love isn't
hot for you anymore.

Dan, I… I don't want to brag,

but I have been rejected by men

in many, many, many, many, many ways.

But… cutting off the love supply

is by far the cruellest
rejection of them all.

I didn't cut off the love supply.

She cut me off.

Uh, bottom line is, it's laundry day,

and I don't see us throwing
any sheets in the machine.

Jackie, I appreciate your concern,

but we can take care of it.
Thank you very much.

Uh, as you see, I've got
a lot of laundry to do.

Well, before you worry about
cleaning up the rest of the house,

I'd straighten things
out in the bedroom.

Jackie, I got a lot of work to do.

Dan… she thinks you don't
find her attractive,

and she's blaming herself.

Can you watch the kids for me,

and would you put that on warm/cold?

Yeah, you're right. Maybe
I will move to Boston.

Hey.

Hey, Rosie. Get the lady
a white Russian, please?

Can I get a beer when you get a chance?

My name's Tony. I'm in no hurry.

Do you have I.D.?

Think I left it out by my Harley.

I can get it if you want.

Quick. What year were you born?

Uh… uh… uh…'68.

Ok, you'll pass.

Nice place you got here.

Tony, huh?

Well, actually, it's Anthony,

but the guys that owe
me money call me Tony.

Mind if I ask your name?

It's Amelia.

Amelia. That's a very pretty name.

It's Millie for short.

Millie. That's nice. That's nice, too.

This is a nice town, Millie.

Yeah, it kind of grows on you…

you know, like mold.

I like it here.

You're not from here?

Actually, this is my
first time in the area.

What do you do?

A little bit of everything.

Oh. One of those international banker/

neurosurgeon/ test pilot/cowboy
kind of guys, huh?

Basically.

You're out kind of late
for a working man.

Well, when you want something,

you got to make sacrifices.

You going to stay long?

Well, I was thinking about
hitting the road soon,

but, uh… I might be changing my mind.

Changing my ways.

Changing my style.

Changing my life.

Changing your shorts.

You got a nice smile.

And you have the warmest,
most beautiful eyes

I've ever seen in my life.

Really?

You know how…

When you meet somebody,

suddenly you feel very close to them,

as if you'd known them your whole life?

Yeah.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yeah.

Ever happen to you?

No, but I'm only 20.

Ever happen to you?

Yes.

When?

About three minutes ago.

You flirting with me?

I'm trying.

Well, keep going.

What time you get off work?

Bar closes at 2:00.

Scram, Joe.

I thought you said you was married.

I am married.

I love you, Roseanne.

I love you, too, Dan.

I want to be with you.

Hold that thought.

You're on your own, Lizzie.

I need to be with you.

Are we parked close?

Real close.

Good.

Do you want to come home with me?

Give me a break.