Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 10 - Brain-Dead Poets Society - full transcript

Roseanne is ecstatic when Darlene is asked to read her poem for her school's recital, but Darlene refuses to do it.

Uhh, I can't stand Susan Noonan.

She's such a gossip.

Don't ever trust her
with anything, Diane.

You know what she once told me?

And don't ever say anything to anyone

'cause I promised her I wouldn't tell.

She told me that her sister was born

before her parents
were actually married.

Isn't that cool?

I had to help your mom
with the groceries.

Oh, you wanted to help her
'cause I had you beat.



Yeah, right.

Come on. I had you by 5 points
till the buzzer came on.

I got to go, Diane.

The 'rents just came in.

No way. Tell me.

What did you buy me?

Nothing. Get out of there.

Dad, I think you should
put a light outside

so we can play basketball at night.

You know, you got a light on your desk

so you can do your homework.

Don't do that in the house.

Darlene.

Darlene, set the table.



I'll do it!

Go ahead, Mr. Suck-up.

Nobody buys your goody-goody act.

Mommy buys it.

Hey, you know what, kid?

It could be pretty close
there Friday night.

No way. JorDan is unstoppable.

I don't know. Things get pretty hairy

with fat lever at point guard.

Oh, please.

What's a point guard? Forget it.

Mom, I can't reach the plates.

Big game Friday night, baby.

What kind of game?

Basketball. Hoops. B-ball.

Pulses race as the
towering Chicago bulls

take on the wimpy,
sponge-like Denver nuggets.

Be there!

Pay me.

Mom, I can't reach the glasses.

How can someone not
appreciate basketball?

Well, it's easy.

You just slouch on the
sofa next to your husband,

you watch these guys run
up and down the court

a couple hundred times,

and then it becomes almost hypnotic.

You get really bored.

You're sitting there
thinking, "wait a minute."

I have no life."

This message was not brought to you

by the national basketball association.

I think I'm going out with
Jimmy on Friday night.

Talk about having no life.

Yeah, I bet you have
some real major plans.

I'm watching the game with dad.

Ah, the son I never had.

Hey, I'm watching the game, too!

Ok.

Honey, I invited a few of the
fellas over Friday night.

Yeah, are you asking me or telling me?

Oh, come on. It's an occasion.

Well, let's break out

the Harvey's Bristol cream, shall we?

What time's the kickoff?

Tip-off is at 7:00.

Well, you ain't gonna watch
it anyways, Darlene,

until you do your homework.

Remember, we had this discussion?

Yeah, but this is a Friday night.

Since when do I have to do my
homework on a Friday night?

Since I got your last report card.

Well, the only homework I'm
gonna have to do this weekend

is to write a stupid poem for English.

Well, you can write a poem.

Yeah, but it has to be stupid.

Oh, knock it off, you guys.

Anyways, writing poetry's
kind of fun, you know?

You get to be creative and expressive.

I don't want to be expressive.

I couldn't care less about poetry.

I just want to graduate high school

so I can get on with my life

so I can get a job and get
out of this hell hole town!

But if you could be expressive,

what would you say?

Hey, how you doing there, Sylvia Plath?

Who's Sylvia Plath?

Oh, she was this brilliant poet,

full of passion, angst, and whatever.

She inspired quite a few women.
Like moi.

Uh-oh. What's that?

Well, I was in the garage,

and I went through this trunk,

and I found all these poems I
wrote when I was in school.

I thought maybe it'd help you.

Help? You saved me.

So which one should I copy?

Hey!

Ow.

"The sky… Drips down…

Like dragon's teeth."

"The earth sighs…

"Bending to my touch.

I am melting."

You had to be there.

Well, I guess "there" must mean Mars.

Well, there's other poems in there

that aren't quite so earthy.

Why'd you write these?

Because I wanted to.

Well, I can't write
about this kind of stuff.

What do you mean?

"Write a poem

"about something that gives
you a happy feeling.

"For example…

a tree, a rainbow,
your-heh heh-family."

You can write about whatever you want.

Yeah, as long as it gives
me "a happy feeling."

Oh, come off it, Darlene.

Just 'cause your teacher's a little wet

doesn't mean that all poetry stinks.

Anyway, poetry's really cool.

I loved to write it

when I was in school.

Well, yeah, but you were a nerd.

I was not a nerd.

Dad said you were a nerd in school.

Well, consider the source.

Anyway, what do you think
about these people

like, you know, Edie
Brickell or Chrissie Hynde

or Rickie Lee Jones?

You think they're nerds?

I get the point.

So, what would make you happy?

I don't know. A tree!

Ok, Deej.

You call us when you're ready,

- and we'll come and pick you up.
- Ok, bye.

Yeah, good luck.

Where's he at, at Janet's?

Yeah. Janet's mom invited
him to stay for dinner.

Says he's going to marry Janet.

She proposed to him.

Can you blame her?

He's got his daddy's charm.

Yeah, and everything else.

Ah, well, you tell yourself

whatever you want, Dan.

Is Darlene out there?

She's doing her homework.

It's a theory.

You know, I just don't get it.

Writing is something that Darlene
could be really, really good at.

I mean, she's expressive,

you know, she's creative,
she has pencils.

Hello.

Hey, Joey. It's Joey.

Joey, what's the word?

Are you coming over here

to watch the game tomorrow night?

Hey, just tell your wife…

one second.

Let me take this in the hall.

So where's you and
what's-his-face going on Friday?

Out.

Oh, well, you'll have a real good time.

Your daddy and I used to
go there all the time.

Are you gonna stay here with
dad and watch the game?

Uh-uh. Aunt Jackie's coming over.

What are you guys gonna do?

Drink beer and shoot at mailboxes.

Cool.

Great. I'll reserve
the blue chair for you.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'll get it.

All right. Break it to me gently.

How many? Five, six tops.

Now you understand I'm not
talking about their I.Q.s.

I'm talking about the number
of your nasty friends

that are gonna be in my
living room on Friday.

Honey, it's just a couple of friends.

We'll be civilised, I promise.

Civilised? Yeah.

This time we'll cook the woolly mammoth

before we eat it.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hi, Crystal.

I finally got that eye
shadow you ordered…

violet ice.

Oh, so that's where you and
Jimmy are going… to Vegas.

I'll be right back.

I got something for you, too, Dan.

Now, Crystal, you know I rarely
wear eye shadow anymore.

Boys on the job site

give me such guff about it.

Now stop.

Here you go.

Ooh, stallion.

He don't need that, Crystal.

He already smells like a horse.

Don't you, honey?

What did you bring me?

Oh, bath beads,

made with real milk.

Well, great. Then when I'm
soaking and I get hungry,

I'll just add some cheerios.

Roseanne, I got something
I want to read you.

It's a poem that Lonnie
wrote for school.

I just thought you'd
get a kick out of it.

"My mom.

"By Lonnie Anderson.

"My mom thinks about
me first and herself last.

"When I'm getting dressed,
she makes me breakfast.

"She puts me on the bus
and combs my hair,

"and when I'm at school,
she isn't there.

"But she's at home when I get back.

"For making dinner she has a knack.

"It's nice when she puts me in bed

because it's late and I'm tire-ed."

"I love my mom,

"and I'm glad that she's my mom

and not somebody else or something."

Isn't that the sweetest
thing you ever heard?

I think it's great.

Oh, it's terrible, but it's
just so sweet, isn't it?

It's adorable.

Here you go, Crystal.

3.50, right?

Thank you, honey.

So, where's your little poetic genius?

What are you talking about?

Why, Darlene, silly.
Didn't you hear yet?

Hear what?

Well, maybe I ought
to let Darlene tell you.

Come on, Crystal.

Darlene's poem got picked
best in her class.

She's gonna read it for the
school tomorrow night.

It's culture night.

You're kidding.

How come Darlene didn't say anything?

I hope I didn't spoil the surprise.

Darlene, will you come
down here for a minute?

Sweetie!

Well, she finally does good in school,

and she doesn't even tell us about it.

Probably still in shock.

What?

Look. Look, it's the famous
person as a young child.

How come you didn't tell us?

Crystal, you have a big mouth.

Darlene. Darlene.

This is exactly the reason

I'm not going to culture night.

What, are you ashamed of your talent?

No. I'm ashamed of my parents.

Well, so is everybody.

It's supposed to be like that.

Mom, I'm not going.
You gotta say I'm sick.

But why wouldn't you want to go?

I mean, this is your shot,

this is like winning the big game.

Mom, you can't make me go.

And if you try and make me read my poem

in front of the geekoid masses,

you'll have to throw a net around me

and drag me out of the
house like a dead seal.

Where are you going?

To get the net.

You know, I think you're just
being pigheaded about this.

Well, I think you're being
pigheaded about it, Roseanne.

You know, you're starting
to sound like my dad.

"Work smart, Danny, not hard.

Be a salesman."

I'm not…I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna push our kids like that.

Well, I don't want to, either.

Then what's the big deal

about making Darlene
read this stupid poem?

It is called positive
reinforcement, Dan.

You know, just once, if my
parents would've ever told me,

"hey, Roseanne, you're good at that,"

I might be standing in
front of you right now

mopping a bigger, more
luxurious kitchen.

It's wet!

Go use the phone in my room.

I'm talking to your dad.

I don't need to use the phone.

Oh, let me get that on tape.

You know, I really don't think

you should make Darlene
go to culture night.

Oh, yeah? And why is that?

Because it's totally geeky.

I mean, you know what it's like.

There's paintings, the school band,

readings, and stuff.

Oh, you mean, like art?

Yeah. But strictly the bow tie set.

I mean, everyone's gonna think
Darlene's a big suck-up

if she goes.

Why, thank you, miss Conner.

No further questions.

You can tell your client she can
get herself a new attorney.

So you're gonna make her go?

Nobody's making anybody do anything.

Great. I'll tell her.

Becky, mind your own business.

If you really want to help around
here, just stay out of it.

Fine. If you don't
care about your kids,

I guess there's nothing I can do.

She didn't buy it, Darlene.

You were terrible.

I'm just getting fed up.

We owe it to Darlene
to make her do this,

and she's doing it.

That's funny 'cause I thought
Darlene had 2 parents,

and this was a decision that both
of them should be involved in.

Well, look, ok, we obviously disagree,

and we have to come to
some kind of a decision.

And one of us is gonna be wrong.

Now you just give me the
chance to be wrong this time.

Look, no matter what we do,

we're going to screw our kids up.

You let me mess up Darlene,

and you can have Becky.

What about D.J.?

We'll flip for it.

You know, this whole thing

is miss miller's fault.

If I'd known anyone else
was gonna see this poem,

I never would've written it.

I haven't seen it.

You're not gonna.

No, but I am going
to hear it being read.

Live…and on stage.

Please, mom, I'm begging you.

I'll clean whatever
you want me to clean.

I just really, really,
really, really, really,

really, really, really, really, really,

really don't want to do this.

Really?

Come on, mom.

I wrote the poem, ok?
I did my assignment.

Why can't we just leave it at that?

What are you so afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Well, you just give me one good reason,

you give me the truth,

and maybe I won't make you do it.

The truth?

Yeah. You know, the opposite
of what you usually tell me.

The truth is…

My poem sucks.

I wrote it in, like, 10 minutes.

I just blabbed it out
on a piece of paper.

It's a joke.

Miss Miller doesn't think so.

Well, Miss Miller's an idiot.

The only reason she picked my poem

is 'cause she thought
it would encourage me.

You know, I'm really
surprised at you, Darlene.

What's everybody gonna think
if you don't show up?

Who cares what everybody thinks?

Well, if you don't care
what everybody thinks,

then what are you so afraid of?

Dan, come here quick!

Darlene's speechless!
You got to see this!

You know what I think?

What?

I think…

I think you're afraid

that your poem really is good.

I think you're afraid

to let everybody see
that you've got a brain

because then they'll
expect you to use it.

Yeah. Right.

I'm so surprised at you.

I mean, your whole life

you're running around
to take all the credit

for everything you've done wrong,

and now something really great happens.

Don't you want to enjoy it?

Don't you want to get up
there and take your bow?

No.

Well, fine.

You do what you want.

I just thought I'd get a little
joy out of it, you know?

A few goosebumps.

I'd be proud of you…

But I don't want you to do it

just because you think
you owe it to me.

Ok, I wont.

But you are doing it.

Why?

Because I'm your mother, and I said so.

Oh, that's fair.

What if I freak out?

What if I faint and crack
my head open on stage?

Well, then everybody
will be able to see

that you've got a brain.

I hope we get back in time to
watch the end of the game.

Oh, I'm sure your daddy will give
us his famous highlights speech.

Oh, no.

Oh, hi, Darlene!

Hi, Martin. How you doing?

Well, I'll tell you, Darlene,

I'm not really into this high-pressure,

high-visibility stuff.

I'm really more of a recluse.

You want to get some punch? Yeah.

Go ahead.

Hi.

Hey, I made it.

Oh, Roseanne, this
place still scares me.

We better take our seats

or else they'll make us stay after.

Where's Dan?

He's boycotting on principle.

So he's home watching the game?

Among other things.

What a bunch of nerds.

Joke!

You think I did the
right thing, don't you?

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah. I…I think that she'll probably

despise you right now,

but I…you… Did what you had to do.

And…

Besides, she still
loves her aunt Jackie.

Away…

Why…

Do you stay?

Fly away, bird.

It looks at me.

And…still it hops…

And hops…

And…

Hops.

Fly away.

You got a gun on you?

It spreads its wings…

And flies away.

Away…

It does not…

Look back.

That's it.

Can you imagine that kid's home life?

Get a load of that…

embarrassing your kid in
front of the whole school.

Mom did that to me. Drill team
tryouts in the eighth grade.

She sat up in the bleachers weeping

and pulling those stiff,
used Kleenex out of her bag.

Do you got, like, a mint or something?

My stomach's just kind of, you know…

Oh, Roseanne, you're nervous.

Oh, that's so cute. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Shut up.

Thank you so much
for that fine rendition.

And now, from miss miller's
seventh grade class,

Darlene Conner will read her poem.

To whom it concerns.

By Darlene Conner.

To whom it concerns…

Darlene's work will be late.

It fell on her pancakes

and stuck to her plate.

To whom it concerns…

my mom made me write this.

And I'm just a kid,

so how could I fight this?

To whom it concerns…

I lost my assignment.

Maybe I'll get lucky.

Solitary confinement.

To whom it concerns…

Darlene's great with a ball,

but guys don't watch tomboys

when they're cruising the hall.

To whom it concerns…

I just turned 13.

Too short to be quarterback,

too plain to be queen.

To whom it concerns…

I am not made of steel.

When I get blind-sided,

my pain is quite real.

I don't mean to squawk,

but it really burns.

I just thought I'd mention it

to whom it concerns.