Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - Dan's Birthday Bash - full transcript

The kids plan a birthday breakfast for their Dad. Roseanne plans a birthday bash for Dan at the Lobo Lounge. What starts out as a great party, soon turn sour, when a drunken bar patron picks a fight with Dan over use of the pool table. A furious Roseanne prevents Dan from brawling with the bruiser, leaving Dan humiliated and angry. Becky is nervous about meeting and having diner with her boyfriend's parents.

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Dad doesn't know what's
going on, does he?

No, he never does.

Hand me that spatula.

Here he is. He's coming.

He can't. We're not ready.

Mom, you got to stall him.

Well, okay. Here. Do that.

Happy birthday.



Don't go in there.

Why not?

Because alien
life-forms have invaded

and they're taking over.

Good lord. They're
after the corn.

Those fiends.

Wait a minute.

There's something
going on in there

for my birthday, isn't there?

I should've known better

than to try to fool a man
of your age and wisdom.

There's all these short people in
there making you a birthday feast.

- They are? Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Do I have to eat it?



Yeah, and you're
gonna like it, see.

And you're gonna act real
surprised, too, see.

Do I get to still have my grown-up
party tonight at the lobo lounge?

If you're a very good boy.

Hotcha!

Okay, dad, come with me.

What? Where are we going?

I can't tell you.
It's a surprise.

A surprise?

For me?

Come on, close your eyes.

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy, oh, boy.

Happy birthday, dad!

Oh, you guys.

Look at this. You
shouldn't have.

Make a wish.

What did you wish for?

He wished he was
still in his 20s.

You wish I was still in my 20s.

How old is dad?

Oh, he's this many.

Wow. that's old.

Here, dad, try some pancakes.

Try the eggs.

D.J.: Happy birthday, dad.

Oh, D.J., you shouldn't have.

It's my hammer.

- Do you like it?
- I always have.

Oh.

Yeah, that sounds great.

I'll ask my mom and
call you back.

- All right.
- No.

You didn't even know
what I was gonna say.

- Okay, what?
- That was chip.

No!

He wants me to have dinner
over at his house tomorrow.

No.

He lives on franklin street
in a really nice house.

Oh, okay.

Chip says his parents get
together before dinner

and talk over cocktails.

I don't know if I
approve of that, Becky.

His parents talk to each other?

Mom, can I go? Please.

I don't know, honey,
it's your first date,

and if you like it, maybe
you'll want another one.

Mom.

Okay, just this once.

Thanks. Chip and his mom
are gonna pick me up.

Now I have to figure
out what to wear.

Just try wearing a
bag over your head

so they don't see
the way you chew.

Shut up, Darlene.

You're just jealous because
I'm dating and you're flat.

Yeah.

- Oh, bite it.
- You bite it.

Think fast.

DAN: I'm home!

( DOOR SLAMS )

- ( GROANS )
- Hey.

Birthday boy, think fast.

Not now, baby. I can
hardly move a muscle.

You're not supposed to be all
sore until after your party.

I don't know how long I'm gonna
last at the lobo tonight.

What happened to that
party monster I married?

You know Benny, that
new kid I hired?

Oh, you mean that
19-year-old Adonis

with the washboard stomach?

You noticed.

Noticed, hell. I
made sketches.

The kid tried to show
me up at work today.

If I picked up a sack of cement,

he picked up two.

If I picked up six two-by-fours,

he picked up twelve.

But I showed him. ( GROANS )

Oh, you know what?

A good, vigorous massage
is what's really needed

to save the evening here.

Now, where does
that Vinnie live?

Baby, I ain't the
man I used to be.

Yeah, but you know, Dan,

you were never the
man you used to be.

Get away from me.
Get away from me.

Let's face it, Dan,
now. Come on, now.

You kind of peaked at 18,

where as I, on the other hand,

have only begun to blossom.

Hey, hey, I ain't dead yet.

There's still a few
good howls left

in this old doggy.

Ooh!

Come on, let's go
get your leash.

( HOWLING )

Okay. Okay, mine next.

Oh.

Crystal, you don't have to give him
anything. You made him a cake.

That doesn't count. This
is my real present.

Holy cow.

My company logo. Would
you look at that.

You can keep warm and
advertise at the same time.

I love it, darlin'. Thank you.

BOOKER: This calls
for a toast.

Dan, I work with your
wife 40 hours a week,

and all I can say is that
I have a lot of respect

for any man who can spend
as much time with her

and not get paid for it.

Hear! hear!

I'll drink to that.

Yeah, but you'd drink to a
parking ticket, Dwight.

All right, all right.

Many of us gathered here
tonight may not realize

that Dan was actually Rosie's
second choice as a husband.

You blasphemer. You
swore you'd never tell.

Yes, it was only after
Paul McCartney got married

that she settled on Dan.

( WITH BRITISH ACCENT ) It's
true, I was the fifth Beatle.

Yeah.

It's time to put
your hands together

for a great father, a
wonderful humanitarian,

and the only man I've ever loved

next to john, Paul,
George, and Ringo.

Danny!

I ain't gonna make no speeches.

Hey! speech!

I just wanna thank
my special girl,

the light of my life,
the fire of my loins…

The washer of your shorts.

To Rosie, who made
tonight possible.

( ALL CHEERING )

( IMITATING HUMPHREY BOGART )
Here's lookin' at you, sweetheart.

Hey, Bogart.

Public place, man.

How about keeping it down?

( CHUCKLING )

Get a grip.

Ah, forget about
it. He's crocked.

Come on. The pool
game's almost over.

Yeah, let's go get dibs.

( LAUGHING )

You guys almost finished?

Yeah.

DAN: Okay, here's our quarter.
We're next.

Claire, who's the steroid case?

Oh, that's… that's bobo.

He's with the snowplow show.

They must have six of those
rowdies in here tonight.

I can't wait till tomorrow
when they all leave town.

Claire, did you put
my present for Dan

in a safe place?

Yes, in the back. I'm gonna
need help bringing it out.

So you keep Dan busy.

Jackie, grab booker.

Daniel, what do you say
we make it interesting?

It'd be interesting if you
knew how to play this game.

( BOTH GROWLING )

Now, now, now, boys.

Rosie, you did great.
This is a swell present.

You didn't even see
your real present yet.

Ooh, what did you get me?

Come on, Dan. The
table's free.

Hey, I'll take that.
We got next game.

No, no, no… see,
this is our quarter.

That's funny. I don't
see your name on it.

Just go sit down and have
a seat there, hot rod,

and just stop embarrassing
yourself and everybody else.

Aw, man,

you've had a little bit
too much to drink.

Why don't you step outside
and get some air.

You wanna step outside with me?

I'd take on you and your hat.

Jack, the war is over.

You can get parts
for your head now.

Really funny, man.

Dead man with a sense of humour.

I got to go to the
bathroom, Dan.

I'll be right back.

That's great, Dwight. You go to
the bathroom. I'll rack 'em up.

DWIGHT: Okay, buddy.

I don't think you get it, pal.

You want this table, you
got to get past me.

Well, that's fine. Hell,
I got ten seconds.

- Dan, knock it off.
- Shut up, Roseanne!

You promised me.

You better mind your
little wife, tough guy.

- DAN: Don't push it, blondie.
- I'm leaving, do you hear me?

I'm not gonna stand here
and watch you do this.

You almost slammed
the car door on me.

I thought you were gonna
get out the other side.

Not when it's wedged
against the garage.

I'm gonna go check on the kids.

You're gonna go
check on the kids.

That's right, have you
got a problem with that?

No, I've got a problem with you.

You broke a promise
to me tonight.

The hell I did.

You promised me ten years ago
you wouldn't fight no more.

- I didn't, did I?
- Because I stopped you.

I wasn't gonna fight that guy.

I had everything under control,
then you got in the way.

- Of what?
- I was psyching the guy out.

I've heard that one before.

One minute you're
psyching the guy out,

the next minute you come home with your
hand full of teeth and your nose broken.

What are you bringing up
ancient history for anyway?

Ancient history? You
shoved the guy.

He shoved me first. What
am I supposed to do,

stand there in front of my
friends looking like a weenie?

Which is exactly what happened.

I should've kicked
that guy's ass.

Thank you.

Mom, you've been yelling
at dad for three years

to finish the utility room.

Why is he doing it now?

None of your beeswax.

So in other words,
something happened,

and you're not gonna tell me.

Right.

Did you guys get in a fight?

Yes, we did. He
wants to keep you,

but I think we should
give you away.

Nobody tells me
anything around here.

- My blouse ready yet?
- Almost.

What time is chip
picking you up?

Any minute. Just relax.

I should comb my hair, or something, you
think? They shouldn't see me like this.

Mom, he's not going out with
you. He's going out with me.

I know, but my heart's
pounding a mile a minute.

You're my daughter. You're
going on your first date.

Aren't you excited for me?

Well, I was excited at first,

but now I just wish I
could get out of it.

Are you nuts? What do you
wanna get out of it for?

Chip's parents.
I've never met 'em.

I'm sure they're nice,

- ( RATTLING )
- But what if they hate me?

Or what if I hate them?

Or what if we hate each other?

Oh, my gosh, I'm so confused.

You got nothing to worry about

'cause you're gonna
have a great time.

What if they serve me
something that makes me gag?

Like okra.

Just spit it out
into your napkin,

roll it up, and shove
it in your purse.

That's gross.

Not if nobody sees ya.

Here you go… one
blouse, medium rare.

Thanks.

You wanna borrow my
swankiest earrings?

- The silver ones?
- Yeah.

They're on top of my dresser
in the jewellery box.

I know.

How are we doing?

I don't know, how are we doing?

We've been better.

Well, are you gonna
meet chip's mom?

I guess.

Well, do you think

maybe you should clean
up a little bit?

- Do you want me to clean up?
- You do want you want.

Hey, Rosie posey.

Hey, Dwight.

- Hey, Danny.
- Hey.

- I got your Spackle.
- Thanks.

Mom, you got to go
upstairs and help Becky.

She's having a
major hair trauma.

What do I owe you?

It's on the house, buddy.

I just come over to check
on the slugger here,

see how he's doin' after
the big fight last night.

You guys got into a
fight last night?

- You could say that.
- Well, who won?

Nobody won.

You don't see any
scratches on us, do you?

Your dad needs me.

So, dad, you punched
some guy out last night?

Nobody hit nobody.
Dwight, hold this.

If you didn't hit anybody,
how could you win a fight?

Your dad's just being modest.

He grabbed this guy, smacked him
around, threw him over the bar…

Dwight, that's enough.

Darlene, would you go and
sharpen this for me?

I'm listening to…

do what I tell you
to do? Now, move it.

Why are you lying to my kid?

Don't get sore at me. I'm just
trying to make you look good.

I don't need you to make
me look like a hero.

I couldn't tell her
what really happened.

What really happened?

The guy was bigger than you.

He was younger than you.
You did the right thing.

I didn't exactly see you
jumping in to help.

It was your quarter.

It was my quarter and
it was my fight.

I handled it the way
I thought best.

Listen, if it makes
you feel any better,

I told some of the guys
down at the hardware store.

Nobody thinks you were a
wimp for backing down.

- Dwight, shut up.
- Except Ted, the key grinder.

Dwight, get out.

I got to get some air.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll get it.

Don't touch that door.
Let mom get it.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so nervous.

Just don't shoot any milk out of
your nose, and you'll be fine.

Hi, Becky. Hi, Mrs. Conner.

Hi, chip.

You look nice. I
like your earrings.

- I like your sweater.
- Me, too.

You must be Roseanne. I'm
chip's mother, bonnie.

Hi, bonnie. Nice to meet you.

You'll have to excuse
the way I look.

I just came from exercise class.

Dan!

I want you to meet my husband.

Oh, I'd love to.

So, you guys are gonna
have a wild time tonight?

Nah, we're just gonna eat some
steaks and watch some videos.

Don't worry. We don't
have anything too risqué.

Well, not on a first
date, I hope.

( NERVOUS LAUGHTER )

Where is your dad?

Uh, he left.

Why?

Well, he got mad at Dwight

and threw his hammer
through the drywall.

Oh, well, it is Saturday.

Well, I think we
should be going.

- CHIP: Bye, Mrs. Conner.
- Have fun.

- Bye, mom.
- Nice to meet you, bonnie.

Bye.

Darlene, watch D.J.

I'm gonna go get your daddy.

- Do you know where he is?
- I got a pretty good idea.

- Hey, Claire.
- Hi, Rosie.

I knew it.

Who's winning?

Hi, baby. You wanna play?

No.

I'll just bug you for a while.

( CHUCKLING )

What happened with
you and Dwight?

Nothing.

Well, what are you doing here?

We got beer at home.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just can't let it go.

I keep playing last
night over in my head.

I keep seeing that guy…

Right in my face…
Just asking for it,

and I didn't do
anything about it.

Are you still mad?

No.

How could I be mad at you?
You got me off the hook.

You didn't really wanna
hit that guy, did ya?

Yeah, I wanted to
hit him, all right.

I just didn't want
him to hit me back.

- Well, I can understand that.
- Yeah, well, I can't.

Ten years ago, I never
would've thought about that.

Honey, what's happened to me?

Well…

Me and the kids civilized you

when you wasn't looking.

Either that or I'm getting old.

Well, you wear it well.

Thanks.

You know, the only thing
that matters to me

is that you're here
for another birthday.

Mine.

Hey, I love my present.

You opened it?

It had my name on it, didn't it?

Well, it does sort of
remind me of you…

you know, old and rusty and all.

You really like me this way?

Not really.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, hey!

It's Mr. Tough guy.

( LAUGHING )

Listen, tell me something,

'cause I got to know.

What do you and your fat wife

think of my new hat?

Just this once.

Let's get out of here.

I can't believe you slammed
your hand in the car door.

Well, accidents will
happen, princess.

Tell me about this date.
I wanna know everything.

Oh, it was great, but
the dinner was awful.

I don't understand that,

because I made sure
I gave chip's mom

a list of your favourite foods…

liver, onions, cauliflower.

Good thing I brought
my big purse.

Well, I've always said

accessories make the woman.

- Night, guys.
- Good night.

Good night, kitten.

Let me see your hand.

- It's still pretty swollen.
- Yeah.

Well, luckily, you still
got one good hand

so you could take
out the garbage.

I ever tell you

you got a great bedside manner?

Are you coming on to me?

Not tonight, baby. I
can't move a muscle.

Sure you can. See?

Ahh! whoa! oh!