Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 8 - Here's to Good Friends - full transcript

Upset because she got dumped again, and certain she will never find a good man, Crystal turns to Roseanne and Jackie for support and advice. Booker turns down a date with Jackie because his "Mother" is in town, and turns up at the Lobo Lounge with another woman. Jackie decides not to turn the other cheek. Praying for a snow day, Darlene procrastinates doing a book report she has to turn in the next day.

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Babe, are my sideburns even?

You don't have any sideburns.

Remember when I had
'em down to here,

and my hair down to
my shoulders? Boink.

Yeah, and when you used
to ride your motorcycle,

you had to borrow my barrettes.

Yeah, I was a stud, wasn't I?

Yeah, what happened?



Some woman married me.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

Thanks, warden.

- Did they call off school yet?
- Not yet.

Oh, please let school be closed. Please,
I don't wanna do this book report.

- Ooh, do you believe this?
- What?

Thirty-eight inches of snow
in Fargo, north Dakota.

Oh, those poor Fargo-ites.

MAN ON RADIO: We have the last
of the school closings in.

Rikes high school, le mar high
school and third street elementary

will be closed today.

All schools in the aurora
and Lanford districts…

Lanford!

- …will be open.
- Oh, no!



Yay!

ROSEANNE: You know, she
hasn't read the book.

It's freezing in here.

Pour some of that over
my feet, would you?

It was 12 degrees when I
left the house this morning.

Tell me about it.

I kissed Dan goodbye, and
my tongue got stuck to him.

I almost had to bring
him to work with me.

- Crystal, you all right?
- Huh?

Something bothering you?

- She's been weird all day.
- I'm fine.

Hey, Pete, any heat
coming out of there at all?

Nada.

You gonna fix that heat,
or do we build a bonfire?

You want heat? I'll give
you all you can handle.

( SIGHS )

I'd rather freeze to death.

You know, Jackie, I think
you got a hormonal problem.

No way, Pete.

It's just when you're around,
our hormones mutate.

- Pete, you check the fuse box?
- Yeah, I was just about to do that.

- It's a good idea.
- JACKIE: Hey, booker. Hey, hey, booker.

- Are we still on for tonight?
- On for what?

I told you I was gonna try and
get tickets to the auto show.

Yeah, but there was
nothing definite.

There is now. ( LAUGHS )

Well, you know, Jackie,
I... I'd love to go...

- but?
- But my mom's in town.

Oh.

Yeah, and, you know,
for a couple of days.

- Yeah, well, if you've got other plans.
- My mom's really in town.

- No, you don't owe me any explanation.
- All right.

That's just 20 bucks
for the tickets.

- Well...
- no, I'm kidding.

Here, take your mom to the
auto show. It's on me.

Well, you're feeling pretty
generous there, sis.

What? no, I got the
tickets for free.

I'm just trying to
make him feel bad.

Roseanne, you got
something for a headache?

Yeah.

Three screaming kids.

- What do you want, doll?
- Got aspirin?

Well, you want
tablets or caplets,

or would you like
an effervescent?

Anything.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

What is wrong?

- Oh, nothing.
- Are you sure?

- I'm sure.
- ROSEANNE: Okay.

- Two, three, four…
- Hank ruined my life.

Let me guess. He… dumped you?

For somebody else.

And you didn't see it coming.

I'm so stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Oh, Crystal, don't be stupid.

I'm sorry. It's just my
whole world collapsed.

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

We'll all go out to the lobo lounge
after work, we'll talk this thing over.

Oh, no, I'd have to get a
sitter to watch lonnie.

Crystal, then get a sitter.

No, no, you two don't have to take
me out. That's too much bother.

Crystal, you gotta go out with
us and talk this thing over.

Otherwise, you know,
you'll get home

and you'll get all upset,

and then you'll put on
your Patsy Cline records,

and you'll sit on the kitchen floor,
and then you'll cry and cry and cry,

then you'll call me up 80 million
times and drive me nuts.

I won't call you, I... I promise.

I'm an adult, and I gotta learn to
work these things out for myself.

Darlene, pick up these
paper wads now.

- But I gotta do my report.
- I thought that was due today.

Mrs. Crane was sick. It's
not due till tomorrow.

And the forecast is for snow!

- Did you read the book?
- Snow!

Read the book.

( PHONE RINGING )

- I'll get it.
- Okay.

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Hi, Crystal.
What's wrong?

Yeah, she's here. Hold on.

Roseanne, it's Crystal.
She don't sound so good.

- Thanks.
- Probably has to do a book report.

Hi, Crystal.

No, stop crying.

Turn that record player down.

No, no, that's okay.

No, me and Jackie, we're
gonna come and get you

and we're gonna go out
and talk about it.

No, you're not stupid.

No.okay.all right. Okay, bye.

ROSEANNE: Don't pick them up.
Darlene's supposed to do it.

Whee!

- What's going on?
- Well, Crystal's flipping out again.

- Guy problems?
- No, she couldn't get in to law school.

- She got dumped, huh?
- Yeah.

Listen, me and Jackie are
gonna go get her, you know,

and then we're gonna go
over to the lobo lounge

and help her out with
her love life here.

So you're gonna desert me and leave
me here with a houseful of kids?

- Yep.
- Okay.

Listen, and this is gonna be
out of here in 15 minutes.

Darlene, when I come home,

I wanna see a finished
book report on this table.

DARLENE: I know, mom. I know.

- What are you gonna gonna tell Crystal?
- What I always tell her.

To give up on romance
and get married.

Worked for us.

Okay, I'm gonna have one drink,
and then I'm gonna go home.

TV ANNOUNCER: Swing pass to the tailback, and
he's caught behind the line of scrimmage!

- Yeah.
- Yes!

- Savannah.
- Hey, Rosie, how you doing?

- I'm great.
- Where's your old man?

- I left him home with the kids.
- You mean, you got him to baby-sit?

Baby-sit, hell.
They're his kids too.

Well, what can I do for you?

Give us a couple of beers. What
are you drinking, Crystal?

- Oh, anything.
- Give her a glass of pine tar.

I'll have a pink squirrel.

( GAME ON TV CONTINUES )

So what's with her?
She lose another man?

That's why we're here.

Well, you tell her that pink
squirrel is on the house.

Oh, Crystal, you're just so cute

when you're morbid, depressed
and self-destructive.

I can't help it.

When I met hank, I thought the dating
gods had finally smiled on me.

Oh, forget that jerk. You'll probably
meet another one within a week.

- You want me to run a tab?
- Definitely. Crystal's paying.

- I didn't bring that much cash.
- Okay, Jackie's paying.

Here you go, doll.
On the house.

WAITRESS: I need two
drafts and a vodka tonic.

Okay, here's an empty table.

- Might as well grab it while you can.
- Thanks, Claire.

You know, hank used to
buy me pink squirrels.

All right, Crystal, spit it out.

What happened with this creep?

Last night he came to
pick me up to go bowling,

and the minute he said hello, I
could see goodbye in his eyes.

- What exactly did he say?
- Same thing they always say.

"Crystal, you're the most
wonderful woman I've ever known,

but I've fallen in love
with someone else."

- I trusted hank.
- Boy, not me.

Them buffed fingernails
kept me up at night.

Why does this always
happen to me?

When I meet a man, I give and
give and give some more,

and then he takes and takes
and takes some more,

and then he dumps me.

Well, there's a definite
pattern here, Crystal.

But I'm a nice person. Why
does this always happen to me?

Well, I don't know how
to tell you this, honey,

but, well, you're a doormat.

I am not.

Crystal, how many times
have you been married?

I don't see what that
has to do with anything.

No, no, no. How many times?

Three.

And how many times you
had you heart broken?

More times than I can count.

Well, why do you think that is?

Because I'm a doormat.

You see what it all comes down
to? It's your self-esteem.

Oh, I never had any of that.

JACKIE: You're a
classic case, Crystal.

This is a lifelong pattern
that will just repeat itself

over and over and over again.

You're right. You're
absolutely right.

When a man pays me a compliment,
next thing you know I'm married.

And then, before I can
blink, I'm divorced.

And that is the pattern
that you have to break.

You can't get sucked in
to all those compliments.

- Well, I can't help it.
- Yes, you can, Crystal.

You just need some practice.

Listen, let's pretend
that I'm a guy.

Oh, Roseanne, that's silly.

No, I'm gonna be one these studs
over here at the bar, you know?

And then I'm gonna
come over to you

and start coming on to you, see,

and then you tell
me to get lost.

- Okay, I'll try.
- Okay, I'm gonna be the man.

( LAUGHS )

( LAUGHS )

Hey, there, little Missy.

You wouldn't know how
to fix a broken zipper

in an old pair of blue
jeans now, now would you?

( LAUGHS ) You're pathetic.

Oh, you're about as
pretty as a young deer

running through a green
field in the autumn.

( DEEP CHUCKLE )

And now you tell
him to get lost.

Please get lost.

Oh, for crying out loud,
Crystal. I'll do it.

Okay, you be the guy and you
do it to me. Now watch.

All right, sit down.

Okay, here he comes.

Hello there, you sweet young...

oh, my!

- JACKIE: Hello!
- ROSEANNE: Hey!

Take a hike, pal, and crawl
back under your rock.

Get away from me, you
weasel-faced geek.

See? it's easy.

You either learn how to do that,

or you swear off men forever.

Excuse me, is this chair taken?

Yes, that chair's taken.
Quit bothering us!

Go on a hike!

Oh, she forgot to
take her medication.

Sorry.

- Go ahead and take the chair.
- Thanks.

Get a grip.

Lighten up, Crystal. He
only wanted a chair.

Look, first they want your
chair, then they want your bed.

- They're all alike, rotten to the core.
- Oh, Crystal.

There are a few decent
men left out there.

You mean, like booker?

Booker happens to have
a lot of potential.

Well, why don't you go tell
him that? There he is.

Ooh, who's he with?

His mother.

( D.J. SHOUTING )

TV ANNOUNCER: The pass
goes long downfield.

He's under it, he's
got it! Touchdown!

All right! Another six
points! Blowout city!

I hate Betsy Ross. I wish she'd
have sewn her fingers together.

Darlene, get back in there
and finish that report.

Dad, you said you'd help me.

Darlene, I'm not gonna
read the book for you.

- I read the stupid book.
- Then write the stupid report.

Dad, she was born,

she sewed a flag, and she died.

I can't write five
pages about that.

Please, those of us who did our
homework are trying to watch the game.

- Oh, shove it.
- Hey!

She didn't finish the dishes.

- You didn't?
- I'm letting them soak.

Please let me watch the game. Please,
please let me watch the game.

All right, all right. Ten more
minutes, and then that's it.

Oh, yes.

- ( PHONE RINGING )
- Quarterback looking over the secondary…

- …now he's audiblizing.
- I'll get it.

There's the blitz. He
beats the rush, throws…

Hello? hey, Rosie,
how's Crystal?

- DAN: Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Whoo! Whoo!

- Nothing, honey.
- Dad, did you see that play?

Yeah, I know, honey, it's
way past D.J.'s bedtime,

but, honey, it's important for
a young boy to watch football.

( SHOUTING )

Oh, honey, don't worry about a
thing. The dishes are fine.

Yeah, Darlene's in there
pounding out that book report.

( SNAPS FINGERS )

We're fine. Stay out
as long as you want.

TV ANNOUNCER:
Another first down.

Okay, that's it, that's it. Becky,
get in there and do those dishes.

- Dad, you said ten more minutes.
- I lied.

Darlene, get in there
and finish that report.

D.J., upstairs now.

But, dad, you promised
you'd help me.

You're right. Okay, I did. All
right, no more football for anyone.

TV's going off then.
That's it. I mean it.

Oh! Oh! Baby, baby, baby, baby,
baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!

It's another bears touchdown!

Oh, touchdown!

- Yes!
- Whoo-Hoo!

Oh! ( SIGHS )

( FANS ON TV SHOUTING )

All right, ten more minutes,
and then that's it.

( COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING )

I don't believe that
guy. His mother.

What'd I tell you? It just proves
my point. They're all rotten.

- Roseanne, give me your wedding ring.
- For what?

- Just let me use it.
- What are you gonna do?

You know, booker, times like
this I'm sorry I got a roommate.

Well, you know, it just so
happens that I live alone.

Think I should call my roommate,
tell her not to wait up?

That… might be a good idea.

- Hi.
- ( COUGHS ) Hi.

Um… Jackie, uh…

Janine, this is Jackie.
Jackie, this is janine.

Hi, glad to meet you.

Booker, where have you been? I've
been looking for you for three days.

- Jackie.
- Honey, are you ever coming home?

Booker, what's going on?

I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just that the
kids have been asking about their daddy.

- The kids?
- Jackie, cut it out.

- Is this your wife?
- No.

- You divorced?
- Is that what he's been telling you?

This is not my wife.

- Sweetheart, what are you saying?
- There is no wife.

- Honey, don't do that to me.
- There's no wife, there's no kids.

- It's all a joke.
- No, you're the joke.

Janine, come on. Wait.

What was that?

You would pass up the auto
show to take out that tramp?

- She is just a friend.
- Of your mother's?

- Give me a break.
- You lied to me.

I'm sorry, I didn't think
it was gonna hurt you.

I didn't say that it hurt me.

I said that you lied to me.

The way you treat me at work,
I didn't think it mattered...

oh, don't give me that.

You know damn well the way we treat each other
has nothing to do with the way we feel.

- Well, how do we feel?
- I don't know.

Why don't you buy me a beer,
and we'll talk about it.

I'd give anything to have a
man as wonderful as Dan.

Yeah, he's all right.

What was the one thing that
made you want to marry him?

His sense of humour.

That and the ways his jeans kept
falling off the back of his butt.

You're lucky you grabbed him in high
school when the picking's were lush.

Yeah, I snapped him right up.

I'd give anything to be
back in high school.

- God, why?
- Life was so good.

You had hayrides
and pep rallies,

slow dancing with Tommy martin.

I just thought my life was
gonna turn out so different.

Well, Crystal, let's face
some hard, cold facts now.

Uh, pep rallies and
hayrides stink.

And, uh, Tommy martin's probably

living under some bridge by now, and
drinking wine out of a paper sack.

- No, he's a CPA in Detroit.
- Same thing.

Crystal, you don't want to
go back to high school,

and, you know, man or no
man, you're a good person.

- I don't feel like one.
- Well, you are a good person, Crystal.

You're a great mother to lonnie,

and you're always the first
person that comes running

every time anybody
needs anything.

And, you know, you're honest
and you're hard-working.

Let's face it, Crystal, you...

you are a vital,
intelligent woman

in the prime of your life.

You buying any of that crap?

- Some of it.
- Well, that's enough.

TV ANNOUNCER: Quick pass over the
middle. He's got it, he scores!

Yeah! yeah!

- Whoo-Hoo-Hoo!
- Whoo!

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, come on, you're not
still mad at me, are you?

- I might be.
- Jackie, please.

- Please what?
- You gotta forgive me.

I'll think about it.

All right,

this is just an idea, okay?

But why don't you come back
to my place and forgive me?

Oh.

Well, why don't you
go back to your place

and forgive yourself?

- How we doing here?
- Oh, another round, Claire.

Oh, and one of them gooey
cheese pizzas, a large.

Yeah, coming right up.

Thank you.

Well, I seen booker's date just
kind of hightailed it out of here.

I guess so. I hope it
wasn't anything I said.

- Oh, I'm sure it wasn't.
- Can you believe that guy?

I chase off his date, he asks me to
go back to his apartment with him.

Jackie, don't let
it get you down,

because you are an intelligent,

vital woman in the
prime of her life.

- What?
- Tell her, Roseanne.

- Crystal's drunk.
- No, I'm not.

Jackie, let's face it.

We are all good women, and any
man would be lucky to have us.

And for the right
price, they could.

Oh, no, no, no.
You wait and see.

One of these days, the
perfect man will come along

who is handsome, intelligent,
and has great character.

Oh, look at the
character on that guy.

"National heroine,
admired, respected…"

And then she died.

"The end."

- So, what'd you think?
- Pretty good.

Yeah, it's five whole pages.

Should be. Your
wrote big enough.

Oh, crane won't know
the difference.

You're right, teachers aren't
on to that kind of stuff.

- Ooh, hi.
- DAN: Hi, babe.

- Ooh, what are you doing up?
- I just finished my book report.

- How'd it go with Crystal?
- Oh, it was great.

We talked her out of her
depression and back into her rut.

So how's that book report doing?

- Pretty good.
- Pretty good?

This is great. I worked
really hard on this thing.

Well, I'm so proud
of you, honey,

and I have really great
news for you, too.

It's snowing really,
really hard out there,

and there is no way there's
gonna be any school tomorrow.

No!

( LAUGHING )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )