Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Memory Game - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

What's with the laundry
stuff all over?

I gotta find my blue
skirt for the picture.

- What picture?
- Dad's getting a photographer

to take some stupid
family portrait.

He's doing what?

If I order the 32-piece package,

you'll throw in the wallet size?

- Dan!
- One sec, babe.



Yeah, I understand the offer
expires this weekend.

( WHISPERS ) What are you
doing? What are you doing?

I think I better talk
to my wife first.

Right, bye.

Honey, guess what I just did.

It doesn't have anything to
do with a once-in-a-lifetime

money-saving offer, does it?

No. What would you
say to a full-colour

commemorative family portrait?

Of whose family?

Ours.

- What do we need that for?
- 'Cause this came today.

We got our 15-year high
school reunion coming up.

Oh, spare me.



What happened to
your school spirit?

I lost it on prom night
along with everything else.

Ah, great, cream-style!

No, check this out.

The reunion committee is
updating the yearbook

and they want us to send
in a family portrait.

Why, to see if we've
improved with age?

Roseanne, people will be looking at
this yearbook for years to come.

I think we should send in the
best picture we possibly can.

We should send 'em in that one
of us in Yellowstone park.

Rosie, we're mooning old
faithful in that one.

I know, but it fits in
with the theme here,

"looking back on 15 years."

Whose lame-brain idea
is this anyways?

Oh, my god, it's Phyllis Zimmer.

That pointy-head little phony.

Wasn't she the one that
was always in charge

of everything in high school?

Yeah, she was in charge
of making me sick.

Remember her pep?

( LAUGHS )

"Come on, everybody.
Grab some crepe paper."

We're gonna go in the
gym and decorate,

"and then we'll make punch."

I like it.

Do it again, only
jump up and down.

Shake your pom-poms.

Get away from me.

You know why she wants
us to send in a picture?

To make sure her life
turned out the best.

( GUNFIRE ON TV )

Mom, D.J.'s bothering me.

I'm a cowboy.

No, you're not any
kind of a cowboy.

♪ whoopie Kay-yi-yay ♪

♪ get along, little doggie ♪

♪ Wyoming will be
your new home ♪

( DAN VOCALIZING )

Mom, I can't do my homework.

You can't do your homework
'cause the TV's on.

- ( DAN CLICKS MOUTH )
- ( TV TURNS OFF )

Gimme that rope, partner. I
need that for your daddy.

- Can I tie you up?
- Yeah.

I don't mean to push, but
I gotta call flash photo

and let 'em know
what the deal is.

Your tail's really wagging
over this picture, isn't it?

( BARKING )

Picture? What picture?

Are we getting our
picture taken?

We're thinking about it.

You guys aren't gonna do what you
did in Yellowstone, are you?

We're thinking about it.

Gimme one of these.

- Where is your lunch?
- I ate it.

Just one.

Hey, Roseanne…

I hear Dan kept you up
half the night last night.

Ooh!

It's not as good as it
sounds, porno-head.

( GIGGLING )

He was up all night
looking for a belt

that matches his
tie and his shirt.

He's gonna wear himself
out over this picture.

Yeah, and I have to give
up a whole Saturday

to impress some people I
didn't even like back then.

I sure cared what my
schoolmates thought.

We know, Crystal.

They voted me second runner-up

for junior sweetheart queen.

I would've won, except
for Tristi vane.

She got her hair done… Which
was against the rules.

WOMAN: I know the type.

Perfect hair, perfect teeth.

Matching sweater and headband.

( LAUGHING )

I think that's a smart look.

Well, that's why you
came in second, Crystal.

- I always hated those frilly-dilly types.
- Uh-huh.

We had a girl like that
in our school, huh, sis?

I don't even like
remembering it.

Her locker was next
to mine this one day,

and I didn't know my
rifle was loaded.

( CHUCKLING )

It blew her right in half.

She didn't know.

It took me almost all of
fifth period to get over it.

There's no paper towels.

You know, this is the
third time this week.

How come there's always paper
towels in the men's room?

They never dry their hands.

Yeah, 'cause they never
wash their hands.

( LOUDLY LAUGHS )

I don't know why management

can't give us the
supplies we need.

Oh. This has got nothing
to do with paper towels.

This is just a sneaky
old ploy by management

to get us all worked up in
a huff about small stuff

so we never think about things
that are really important

like benefits and pay raises
and uh, fresher vending items.

Those slimeballs are
trying to break us.

( ALL AGREEING )

Yeah, I get so sick of how
you guys get so worked up

over every little thing.

( ALL PROTESTING )

MAN: Hi, Roseanne.

( LOUDLY LAUGHS )

What'd I tell you
about going in there?

She likes it in there.

She wants to be a man.

That makes two of us, huh, Pete?

Hey, ladies, not only do they
have all the paper towels,

but they got great, big old
drinking fountains in there too.

( ALL LAUGHING )

You know what the problem
with you women is.

You use too damn
many paper products.

Oh, shut up or I'll wipe my
hands on your bald head.

BOOKER: I'll tell you
what, I'll make sure

that you ladies get
some paper towels.

Hooker, we want 'em now, or
we don't go back to work.

Strike!

( ALL CHANTING ) Strike!

Pete, get some towels.

( WOMEN CHEERING )

Hey, dad. Look, you
know what'd be cool?

We can put this in the picture.

No, that'd be too much, honey.

Come on, dad. It'd be so cool.

Look, we could put
it right here.

Yeah, it does add a
certain something.

I hate my hair, I hate my
clothes, I hate my face.

Well, that makes two of us.

Honey, I already told
you. You look fine.

I can't get my hair right.

Shave it and shut up.

I hate this sweater.

Hey, dad, you know
what would be cool?

We could all wear our sunglasses

and hang out the
back of the truck.

Ix-nay on the shades, princess.

Let's just try and look
like a normal family.

Well, why can't we be ourselves?

How do I look, dad?

Top drawer, amigo!

Daddy's little man.

What about this?

Fine, perfect. Okay, come on.

D.J., you stand here.
Becky, you're here.

Darlene, you're over here.

Darlene, hurry
up. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hyah!

Okay, you're over here.

Mom's here. Okay, I'm here.

Darlene, you're
blocking the trophy.

This ain't too shabby.
We look pretty good.

Rosie, come here and
check this out.

- KIDS: Whoa!
- BECKY: Look at mom.

Ooh, LA-LA, look at you.

Stunning, ain't it?
I brushed my teeth.

What happened to you?

This is the real me.

That's my favourite dress.

Well, you can wear it
tonight when we're alone.

Help me with this
necklace, honey.

All right.

ROSEANNE: Don't choke me now.

- Hi.
- ROSEANNE: Hi.

Am I in the wrong house?

You bet. You want the one
right down the street.

You guys look great!

- What are you doing here?
- Laundry. It's Saturday.

Besides, I gotta make sure this
hack photographer you hired

doesn't screw the picture up.

Oh, aunt Jackie, I have
to show you something.

Hey.

You look pretty
handsome there, sport.

I know.

You know, this is the first time
we've had a real photographer

take our picture since
our wedding day.

Yeah, black Sunday.

Who are you kiddin'?
You loved it.

You practically ran
down the aisle.

Yeah, but I was just drunk

and I meant to go the other way.

( LAUGHTER )

JACKIE: Come here, come here.

- Look at your dad.
- What you got here?

- Your senior yearbook.
- Your football picture.

Old '67.

Ha!

Hey, wait a minute, what's
wrong with your nose?

He always flared his
nostrils out like that

'cause he thought it
made him look mean.

No, it's 'cause of the way
the other guy smelled.

Oh, here's you, mom.
You look so queer.

I can't believe you wore a flip.

That's when I was going through

my Marlo Thomas'
"that girl" phase.

I was gonna go to new york

and become a writer/spokesmodel.

You gave it all up for a
guy with flared nostrils

and stinky friends.

I think you look pretty.

Well, I think you
look purdy too.

Dad, when did you fall
in love with mom?

As soon as she
told me to, honey.

( LAUGHING )

You couldn't pry them
apart. It was disgusting.

Well, what about you, mom?

Were you always
in love with dad?

He was all man and all
mine... ooh, baby, baby.

It was shameless the way
your mother chased me.

Every day she'd be there at my
locker, panting and clawing.

Yeah, back in the good old days

when I still had a waistline
and some estrogen.

I can't believe how
young we are here.

We're all like five
years older than Becky.

Don't give her any ideas.
It wasn't all a picnic.

What about that week
you broke up with me?

- I didn't break up with you.
- Yeah, you did.

That week of senior year.

- You broke up with me.
- I did not.

I was just trying to keep you on
your toes and shake you up a bit.

We were at Arnie
Patterson's garage dance,

and we had that big fight, and you
said you were gonna see other people.

He's right, I remember,
'cause you had just read

that article about how to
drive your boyfriend wild

by making him jealous.

Well, don't tell him about it.

That's why you don't have a man,

'cause you don't know
what to leave out.

Oh, so you leave out the part

where you come crawling back
on your hands and knees.

You really need to start
bleaching your moustache,

it's coming in a lot darker.

- ( LAUGHING )
- ( DOORBELL RINGS )

Oh, that's the photographer.

I'll get it. I'll
get the door!

Oh, look…

Lee Eggblad.

Oh, Eggie, that psychopath.

- Wonder what he's doing now.
- Probably 20 to life.

There she is, your
personal favourite.

- Phyllis "gag me" Zimmer.
- ( CHUCKLES )

- What a waste of boobs.
- ( LAUGHS )

I can't believe Dan
ever took her out.

He never took her out.

- What?
- When did he take her out?

That week you guys broke up.

No way.

He never told you that?

No.

Well...

it wasn't… important.

( NERVOUS LAUGH )

That's a very pretty
dress you have on.

Bob, um, we thought
that… this spot here

would be good for the photo.

Oh, yes. This is nice.

Now how many people will be
participating in the photo?

- Three children and two adults.
- Splendid.

Where's Becky?

Oh, she went upstairs
to change again.

Well, go get her. We're
getting ready to start here.

Do you have to go
to the bathroom?

- No.
- Are you sure?

Rosie, this is bob
keeler from flash photo.

- Hi, bob.
- Hello.

You have a… Lovely home.

Thank you. Well, it keeps
me off the streets.

You know, we thought that…

This would be a good
spot for the picture.

Hmm. I don't know.

Do you think phyllis
will like it?

( SCOFFS )

Why should we care
what she thinks?

Because 15 years ago,

we dated her behind our back.

What are you talking about?

15 years of lies.

What?

Well, uh, we ready
here to start, hmm?

No.

You went out with her and you
didn't even tell me about it.

Rosie, bob here is on a
very tight schedule.

Can this possibly wait?

Another 15 years?

Should I leave?

No, bob, you're a man.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you think it's
a lousy, low-down

sleazebag thing to do to lie
to your own wife for 15 years?

( CLEARS THROAT )

How many years?

As long as we're giving
somebody the third degree,

- let's start with your sister.
- You leave her out of this.

Why does she butt her
nose into our business?

Hey, it's your fault, not hers.

- Jackie.
- Yeah?

You're the one who went out
with phyllis, not her.

- Thanks, big mouth.
- What?

You had to blab about phyllis.

Sorry, Dan, I thought you
would have told her by now.

There was nothing to tell.
It was one measly date.

If it was so measly, how
come you didn't tell me

- when we first got back together?
- Jackie said not to.

So you're the one that's responsible
for keeping me in the dark.

You guys were already
back together.

What's the point
in bringing it up?

Yeah, honey, it was no big deal.

I was trying to protect you.

If it was no big deal, what were
you trying to protect me from?

Roseanne, it was
a long time ago.

I gotta get out of here. I got
some better things to do.

( WASHER WATER FILLING )

Come on, Rosie, we got
a picture to take.

Hey, I just want to know
why you went out with her

- in the first place.
- Roseanne, you dumped me.

What was I supposed to do?

Go to your grave
wanting me back.

I did want you back.

Yeah, well, you got a
funny way of showing it.

- What'd you do on this date?
- Nothing.

( LAUGHS ) Get more
specific than that.

She hopped on my motorcycle,
we went for a ride.

So, that's all you did.
You just rode around.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh, yeah.

And you didn't stop any place?

I don't remember. We
just rode around.

Just riding, riding,
riding around,

not stopping anywhere.

We might have stopped some place.

Like where?

- Rosie.
- Where?

- What difference does it make?
- 'Cause I want to know.

Watch-out hill.

Are we ever gonna do this?

In a minute.

Roseanne, you broke my heart.

Did you do it with her?

Come on, Roseanne.

Did you?

Yes.

We're ready when you are.

We may have to do
this another day.

No, we can do it right now.

We'll do it now.

You're sure?

Yeah, let's take the picture.

Roseanne…

I'm sorry.

( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING ON TV )

The kids are all tucked in.

What you watching?

( LAUGHING )

D.J. Was so cute.

He wanted to know if
we're getting a divorce.

Are we?

Did I forget to tell you
I'm not talking to you?

Look, I want to tell you
everything that happened.

You've obviously mistaken
me for someone who cares.

Look, when you broke up with me,

I guess I was trying to
prove something to myself.

I don't know why I
picked phyllis.

Okay, I know.

But she just broke up
with her boyfriend.

I ran into her at a party,
we went for a ride,

we wound up on the hill.

And it just sort of happened.

It didn't mean anything.

Could you explain that to me?

Can you tell me how you
make love with somebody

and it doesn't mean nothing?

Well, you start with
a case of beer…

Then go get me a case of beer

so I can shower up with
the Chicago bears.

Hell, honey, they're not
even a good team anymore.

Mean something, mean something.

Why does it always have
to mean something?

I don't know, Dan, I just
always thought it did.

Look, what happened
that long ago

doesn't have anything to
do with you and me now.

Yes, it does.

'Cause you're the one person
I thought I could trust.

I still am.

Nothing's changed.

Then how come I'm sitting here

wondering what else I
don't know about you?

I'm asking you to trust me.

God, I hate you.

I hate you too, baby.

No one else has ever mattered.

Then why'd you go all
out over this picture?

( LAUGHING )

Did you think I was
doing this for phyllis?

I was doing this for us.

I'm proud of this family.

I'm proud of the fact that
we've been married 15 years.

Do you know how amazing that is?

Yeah, pretty amazing
considering I can't stand you.

Everybody said we got
married too young,

that we would never last.

Here we are.

What do you suppose
our secret is?

We can't afford
to pay two rents.

Hey, give me some of
that there blanket.

No.

Come on, I'm freezing.

Why don't you go
find old phyllis

to warm up your big old butt?

'Cause nobody can warm
up my big old butt

like you, babycakes.

Honey pie.

Sugar darling.

Snookie baby.

( SNORTING )

Etcetera, etcetera.

This is nice.

These shots turned
out pretty good.

They're not too bad.

I should have worn
my other belt.

If you say one more
word about that belt,

I'm going to strangle
you with it.

I don't look so bad in these.

You're not too ugly.

In fact, I look pretty good.

Can I take this one to school?

Sure.

Darlene's blocking my
softball trophy in that one.

This is the one we want to
send in to the yearbook.

No way! My eyes are
all closed up.

Let's send in that one.

Huh-uh…

I'm making a face in that one.

No, that's your regular face.

I don't look like that.

Yeah, you do.

Well, we're not
sending in that one.

Well, we're not sending
the other one.

- Well, what are we gonna do?
- Well…

There's always Yellowstone.

♪ whoopie-Kay-yi-yay ♪

BOTH: ♪ get along,
little doggie ♪

♪ you know that Wyoming ♪

♪ will be your new home. ♪