Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Lovers' Lane - full transcript
Roseanne talks Booker and the women from work into going bowling. Becky gets dolled up for the night out, because she has a first crush on a boy from her school that works at the bowling alley, but is mortified at the thought of being embarrassed by her parents. Jackie and Booker make a "friendly" wager involving a sleepover vs. toilet bowl scrubbing.
Well, this is called "lover's
lane" and it's the bowling show.
That was the first
show, I think,
where I really started
to be having fun
and you know, doing more than
just delivering a flat line…
you know, a flat punchline.
I got to act funny. I
got to do funny things.
I got to like, kinda…
Blow my character out a
little bit and have fun.
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
- PETE: Hey, girls.
- JACKIE: Pete, please…
We're trying to eat.
Jackie, you ought to
be in a better mood.
It's Friday. What are you
girls doing tonight?
Well, we were gonna go out and try
to find some dim-witted bald guys.
Was that supposed to mean me?
What are you gonna do, Pete?
I'm gonna go out and
redefine the word "manhood"
for some woman.
Well, you know, you've
already redefined it for me.
You wish.
I could use some manhood myself.
- Sylvia.
- Well, what am I, dead?
There's still some tread
in these old tires.
Well, it would be fun
to go out tonight.
Fun? Hell, it's a necessity.
We should go dancing. Let's
drive out to the night monkey.
Ooh, I've never been
there. Is it nice?
Oh, it's a real class joint.
You can meet men there
from the finest prisons.
And you have a better idea?
- Don't I always?
- Let's hear it.
- Well, it's kind of wild.
- What?
It's something you'd never think
about in a million years.
- What?
- Bowling.
- No. No way.
- Come on, it'd be a blast.
- For who?
- For me.
Yeah, for you. Every time we go
bowling, it's the same thing.
You screw around and you
mess up everybody's game.
She's right. You have no
respect for the sport.
Come on, I love bowling.
It's the perfect workout.
Six seconds of exercise,
drink beer a half an hour.
See what I mean? All you ever
do is poop all over the sport.
Come on, Crystal,
I really need an excuse to
get Dan out of the house.
Otherwise, he's gonna make me sit with
him and watch "big-time wrestling."
Oh, I forgot that
was on tonight.
Sonny boy crusher takes
on mike the mangler.
There's no way I'm
gonna miss that.
What about you, booker?
You wanna go bowling?
- Are you kidding?
- No, for reals. You wanna go?
- Who else is going?
- I am.
Oh, yeah. Jackie's been begging
me all day to go with her.
You gonna beg me?
It's Friday night, booker. I
thought you'd have plans.
Yeah, I do, actually. I'm
going bowling with you.
Great. See, Crystal,
we're all going.
What are you gonna do,
sit home and check the expiration
dates on all your dairy products?
All right, I'll go.
But, Roseanne, you got to
promise to behave yourself.
I promise to be on my best
Friday night behaviour, Crystal.
Bowler's honour.
Come on, everybody! Let's go!
Shake a leg!
- Get it?
- Yeah.
It's gonna work out fine, babe.
We're gonna get home just in time
to see snakeman take
on the human clamp.
Oh, that reminds me
of our honeymoon.
- We need money.
- Yeah, give us our money.
Your money?
I don't care whose money
it is, just give it to us.
Well, not till we
hear the magic word.
Now.
Ooh. No, the magic word.
- Please!
- Please!
What beautiful,
obedient children.
Pay 'em off.
- How much?
- Five bucks a hit.
Okay, here you go, five
smackeroonies apiece.
And that's it for tonight.
Don't come crying for more.
And, D.J., don't draw
on it this time.
- I get the front seat.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. Ah-ha!
- No, you don't.
Five bucks apiece for them little
beggars. That's a lot of money.
Yeah, but look at it this way. For five
bucks, they're out of our hair all night.
Hell, let's give 'em
each a hundred,
maybe they'll move to Cleveland.
Becky, come on!
Yeah, get a move on before
my hand cools down.
Your what?
Feel this, baby.
There's a 200-point game
pulsating through these fingers.
Let's not waste it on bowling.
Mom, D.J. Took the front
seat and it's not his turn.
All right, that's it. In the
trunk with both of you.
What's taking Becky so long?
Puberty.
She's getting dressed
up for her boyfriend.
What boyfriend?
- Chip.
- Chip who?
You know, $5.00 really
doesn't go that far.
Well, neither does the little
girl with two broken legs.
Pumpkin, I'd hate to see
you hobbling around
for the rest of your life.
Now, who's this
chip guy? Give.
All right, he works
at the bowling alley.
He's not that tattooed guy that
sweeps up the parking lot, is he?
No, he goes to school with
Becky on the weekdays
and only works at the bowling
alley on the weekends.
She's got the major
hots for him.
Oh, she does, does she?
Whoa! Whoa! Look at you.
Oh, are we gonna be working
the lounge tonight?
What are you all dressed
up for just to go bowling?
Any particular reason?
No.
Well, what about chip?
Chip, chip, chip, chip.
Shut up. Darlene,
I'm gonna kill you
and burn everything you own.
- Come here, you. Come here.
- What?
Tell us about this stud
we're gonna be meeting tonight.
Mother, you're not
going to meet him.
Well, we're gonna be at
the bowling alley, and…
Chip's gonna be at
the bowling alley.
We're bound to run
into one another.
Please don't embarrass
me. Please.
Oh, honey, there's no
way we'd embarrass you.
Please, if you really loved me,
you'd pretend you're
not my parents.
All right, get out of
our house, little girl.
Thank you.
( LAUGHS )
So, little Becky has got
her first boyfriend, huh?
Oh, I wonder what
this guy is like.
Rosie, you know girls always go
for guys who remind
them of their fathers.
Not if they listen
to their mothers.
Come here, baby.
Give snakeman a little kiss.
All right, Becky,
where is this Romeo?
You promised. You're
not my parents.
You don't know me,
you've never seen me.
That's right, Rosie charm.
We swore a oath.
Just give me my
money, and I'll go.
We don't give money
to strangers.
Mother.
All right, now here.
Don't elope with this.
Thanks.
- What size shoe you wear, Dan?
- Eleven.
Eleven, a very common size.
I bet five different men wear
those bowling shoes every day.
Five men who bowl and sweat
and have who knows what
kind of hygiene health.
Crystal, would you stop
flirting with my old man?
She's right, Rosie. These are
kind of grungy. Check 'em out.
It's some kind of
fungus in there.
Get away. You're
making me sick.
You can't see fungus.
I think that's that good-luck
Mold they stick in 'em.
This looks like the party lane.
I'm here, Dan. You can
start having fun.
They didn't tell me
it was scag night.
You got your own shoes, huh?
Yeah, I don't use
those rented things.
Dan, they're loaded with germs.
Roseanne, you're supposed to put
your shoes under the bench.
Says who?
It's just part of good bowling.
See, all the league bowlers place
their shoes neatly under the bench.
You could never be in a league.
Come on, baby, let's go
pick out a couple of balls.
- You pick me one out.
- No, Roseanne,
pick out your own ball so
you get the proper fit.
- Come on, I'll help you.
- ROSEANNE: Oh, this is work.
You any good at this game?
Yeah, I'm pretty good.
I haven't played in a long time,
but I used to be a high scorer.
We're talking about
bowling, booker.
That, too.
So you care to make
a friendly wager?
- Yeah.
- All right, if I win,
then you have to spend
the night at my place.
That's pretty friendly.
If the stakes are too
high, just say so.
Well, it sounds like
a one-sided bet.
Actually, no. See, 'cause if
you lose, then we both win.
I've got a 160 average, booker.
There's no way you're
gonna beat me.
What if you win?
Then you spend the
night at my place.
Sounds good.
Scrubbing my bathroom.
Whatever gets you in the mood.
Is that a bet?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, I love you guys' shirts.
Didn't you have a hit record
out the year I was born?
Come on, you guys.
Warm-up frame.
BOOKER: Come on, Danny!
♪ Dan, Dan, he's our man ♪
♪ if he can't do it,
no one can. ♪ hey!
Hey! All right.
All right. All right.
Hey, everybody, quiet, would ya?
Can't you see somebody's
trying to bowl here?
( PINS CLATTERING )
Dan, you're up. Let's go,
show 'em how it's done.
Show us that special
gutter ball.
This is it. History
in the making.
Dan conner is on his
way to a 200 game.
- Check the score lately?
- I know the score, booker.
What am I up, 10, 20 pins?
It's very early in the game.
But I am bowling better than I ever
have. Why do you think that is?
( PINS CLATTERING )
- Yeah!
- Danny!
- Danny!
- Hey!
You are sizzling.
Sss… Book, you're up.
Hey, what's going on
with you and booker?
Nothing.
Oh, that's why he's
drooling all over himself.
We made a bet.
What kind of bet?
A friendly bet.
How friendly?
Extremely friendly.
Where was I
when mom and dad were
dropping you on your head?
It's fine.
He's been lucky so far, but his
game's about to fall apart.
- ( PINS CLATTERING )
- Ooh!
Now he's crumbling.
He only knocked down, uh…
He only knocked down, what,
ten pins on that one.
- ( TAPS PENCIL )
- DAN: Roseanne…
It's your turn.
- I just bowled 20 minutes ago.
- Get up there.
- Honey?
- What?
If you manage to
knock down one pin,
I'll be your love
slave for life.
Yeah, but what do I win?
Honey, that was sensational.
You managed to keep
it in our lane.
Hey, Darlene, what you doing?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm looking for chip.
I got to go to the ladies room.
Okay, Darlene, where is he?
I promised Becky
I wouldn't tell.
Well, you'd better
tell me, Darlene,
or I'm gonna have
to start dancing.
Mom, no.
Right here in front
of all your friends.
Hear that music.
Mom, please!
Oh, I can't stop myself.
I must dance.
Okay, okay. You win.
Chip's the guy
behind the counter.
ROSEANNE: The blond?
- Yes.
- Oh, he's cute.
Don't tell Becky I told you.
Oh, honey, you know I'm
smarter than that.
I'll just hold it over your
head for the rest of your life.
So, how's this bet between
you and booker going?
Booker is beating the
pants off of me.
Literally.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
- [ ( PINS CLATTERING ]
- Ss-so close.
Come on, Danny, hit the
spare. You got it.
Oh, booker's really
on a roll, Roseanne.
All we got to do is, like,
break his concentration.
Yeah, we break his
concentration. Right.
Yeah, you can handle that.
Yes, and once again, I will save
you from your pitiful self.
( PINS CLATTERING )
Yes!
The ruler!
Iceman Dan conner has picked
up that difficult spare.
And let's see it again
in slow motion.
The ruler.
- Hey, can I be your bowling groupie?
- Take a number.
Jackie, watch carefully
as I put the game out of reach.
Booker, did you get that
infection cleared up?
I have got to go over
there and talk to him.
Then go.
Darlene, you don't understand.
You don't just walk up to a
guy and start talking to him.
No, you hide behind a video game
all night drooling like a geek.
I have to figure out
exactly what to say.
Well, go buy some popcorn.
All right, this is it.
Here I go.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you doing?
Oh, fine.
- How are you doing?
- Fine.
So, you're working tonight?
Yeah, I was supposed to go
to the steel vipers concert.
My mom said I couldn't go
unless she came with me.
- I told her to forget it.
- Parents are so uncool.
They won't let you
go anywhere alone.
Yeah. Your parents
here tonight?
No way. They just
dropped me off.
I'm here by myself.
You sell pretzels here?
Yes, ma'am.
Pretzels, popcorn, peanut,
whatever you want.
- I got to go.
- No, wait, you don't have to leave.
I'll just be a second.
Come on, sit down.
- Okay.
- Oh, why don't you finish waiting
on this beautiful young woman.
No, that's okay. You
can wait on her.
Oh, you're so kind.
Listen. Uh…
Give me two pretzels
and two beef jerkys.
Okay, coming up.
Nice weather we're having, huh?
- You want any sodas to go with that?
- No.
The snacks are just fineroony.
So, you like working here, chip?
Yes, it's okay, I guess.
- What do they pay you?
- Enough.
- You gonna be working here forever?
- Nope, I get off at nine.
That's 3.50.
Four bucks. Keep
the change, honey.
Thanks.
She gave me a tip, and all
she bought was pretzels.
- That was real cool.
- Yeah, real cool.
Hey, look at what I found.
- Where did you find it?
- Stuck to a video machine.
What have you got
in your pocket?
- Ice cream sandwich.
- Smart move.
I was saving it for later.
Booker, you're up. Last frame.
Game's already in the bag.
This is just a formality.
Shut up and bowl.
What's the matter
with you, honey?
She bowled a 97.
Well, they just ought to take
you outside and shoot ya.
I'm never gonna play
this game again.
Yes, you are, honey. You'll
do it again next week,
and you'll be just as
annoying as you were tonight.
( PINS CLATTERING )
Oh, yeah. Good one, booker.
Roseanne, you're up.
That's it. Read 'em and weep.
- Did you really think I was gonna pay up?
- Yes.
Would you really want me
there against my will?
Absolutely.
- All right, booker, a bet's a bet.
- That's right.
What, it would be so bad?
What?
Spending the night with me. Would
that be such a horrible thing?
It might be nice.
Yeah, just nice.
It would be incredible.
Yeah, it would be
incredible. Not tonight.
What?
Not on a bet.
Not tonight and not on a bet.
You welcher!
Come on, Roseanne, would you get
up there? It's the last frame.
- Ah!
- CRYSTAL: Get it over with.
DAN: Come on.
All right, what's my score?
Uh, let's see.
Seven.
( JACKIE LAUGHING )
What inning is it?
Get up there and bowl.
Come on, Roseanne.
Come on, Roseanne.
Come on!
( ALL LAUGHING )
Well, you can razz
me all you like,
but I am unshakable.
Oh, yeah? ( GRUMBLING )
I can get a strike
any time I want.
How's that?
I pretend like the
pins are the kids
and this is your head.
Have at it.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!
Come on, Roseanne!
LA-LA-LA-LA!
( PINS CLATTERING )
( TV ANNOUNCER ) And it's a body
blast, and the human clamp goes down.
Oh, it's all over now.
Snakeman's got it wrapped up.
The human clamp is undefeated
in 47 consecutive matches…
This is like all-male porno,
except for they're
wearing bathing suits.
( GRUNTING )
I was a pretty good wrestler
in junior high school.
Coach used to call me
damaging Dan conner.
God, don't make me listen
to that boring story again.
Whoa! Whoa! Look out,
ladies and gentlemen!
It's a crunch suplex!
No! He got her over!
He's going for it!
He's going for the finger four!
He's bouncing off the ropes!
Ladies and gentlemen, look out!
Holy cow! He's setting her
up for a heart punch!
Oh! It's illegal in 30 states!
Holy cow, ladies and gentlemen!
Iceman Dan conner
has gone berserk!
He's setting her
up! He's got her!
One, two, three.
- Do you quit?
- One more.
Four. ( IMITATES
CROWD HISSING )
lane" and it's the bowling show.
That was the first
show, I think,
where I really started
to be having fun
and you know, doing more than
just delivering a flat line…
you know, a flat punchline.
I got to act funny. I
got to do funny things.
I got to like, kinda…
Blow my character out a
little bit and have fun.
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
- PETE: Hey, girls.
- JACKIE: Pete, please…
We're trying to eat.
Jackie, you ought to
be in a better mood.
It's Friday. What are you
girls doing tonight?
Well, we were gonna go out and try
to find some dim-witted bald guys.
Was that supposed to mean me?
What are you gonna do, Pete?
I'm gonna go out and
redefine the word "manhood"
for some woman.
Well, you know, you've
already redefined it for me.
You wish.
I could use some manhood myself.
- Sylvia.
- Well, what am I, dead?
There's still some tread
in these old tires.
Well, it would be fun
to go out tonight.
Fun? Hell, it's a necessity.
We should go dancing. Let's
drive out to the night monkey.
Ooh, I've never been
there. Is it nice?
Oh, it's a real class joint.
You can meet men there
from the finest prisons.
And you have a better idea?
- Don't I always?
- Let's hear it.
- Well, it's kind of wild.
- What?
It's something you'd never think
about in a million years.
- What?
- Bowling.
- No. No way.
- Come on, it'd be a blast.
- For who?
- For me.
Yeah, for you. Every time we go
bowling, it's the same thing.
You screw around and you
mess up everybody's game.
She's right. You have no
respect for the sport.
Come on, I love bowling.
It's the perfect workout.
Six seconds of exercise,
drink beer a half an hour.
See what I mean? All you ever
do is poop all over the sport.
Come on, Crystal,
I really need an excuse to
get Dan out of the house.
Otherwise, he's gonna make me sit with
him and watch "big-time wrestling."
Oh, I forgot that
was on tonight.
Sonny boy crusher takes
on mike the mangler.
There's no way I'm
gonna miss that.
What about you, booker?
You wanna go bowling?
- Are you kidding?
- No, for reals. You wanna go?
- Who else is going?
- I am.
Oh, yeah. Jackie's been begging
me all day to go with her.
You gonna beg me?
It's Friday night, booker. I
thought you'd have plans.
Yeah, I do, actually. I'm
going bowling with you.
Great. See, Crystal,
we're all going.
What are you gonna do,
sit home and check the expiration
dates on all your dairy products?
All right, I'll go.
But, Roseanne, you got to
promise to behave yourself.
I promise to be on my best
Friday night behaviour, Crystal.
Bowler's honour.
Come on, everybody! Let's go!
Shake a leg!
- Get it?
- Yeah.
It's gonna work out fine, babe.
We're gonna get home just in time
to see snakeman take
on the human clamp.
Oh, that reminds me
of our honeymoon.
- We need money.
- Yeah, give us our money.
Your money?
I don't care whose money
it is, just give it to us.
Well, not till we
hear the magic word.
Now.
Ooh. No, the magic word.
- Please!
- Please!
What beautiful,
obedient children.
Pay 'em off.
- How much?
- Five bucks a hit.
Okay, here you go, five
smackeroonies apiece.
And that's it for tonight.
Don't come crying for more.
And, D.J., don't draw
on it this time.
- I get the front seat.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. Ah-ha!
- No, you don't.
Five bucks apiece for them little
beggars. That's a lot of money.
Yeah, but look at it this way. For five
bucks, they're out of our hair all night.
Hell, let's give 'em
each a hundred,
maybe they'll move to Cleveland.
Becky, come on!
Yeah, get a move on before
my hand cools down.
Your what?
Feel this, baby.
There's a 200-point game
pulsating through these fingers.
Let's not waste it on bowling.
Mom, D.J. Took the front
seat and it's not his turn.
All right, that's it. In the
trunk with both of you.
What's taking Becky so long?
Puberty.
She's getting dressed
up for her boyfriend.
What boyfriend?
- Chip.
- Chip who?
You know, $5.00 really
doesn't go that far.
Well, neither does the little
girl with two broken legs.
Pumpkin, I'd hate to see
you hobbling around
for the rest of your life.
Now, who's this
chip guy? Give.
All right, he works
at the bowling alley.
He's not that tattooed guy that
sweeps up the parking lot, is he?
No, he goes to school with
Becky on the weekdays
and only works at the bowling
alley on the weekends.
She's got the major
hots for him.
Oh, she does, does she?
Whoa! Whoa! Look at you.
Oh, are we gonna be working
the lounge tonight?
What are you all dressed
up for just to go bowling?
Any particular reason?
No.
Well, what about chip?
Chip, chip, chip, chip.
Shut up. Darlene,
I'm gonna kill you
and burn everything you own.
- Come here, you. Come here.
- What?
Tell us about this stud
we're gonna be meeting tonight.
Mother, you're not
going to meet him.
Well, we're gonna be at
the bowling alley, and…
Chip's gonna be at
the bowling alley.
We're bound to run
into one another.
Please don't embarrass
me. Please.
Oh, honey, there's no
way we'd embarrass you.
Please, if you really loved me,
you'd pretend you're
not my parents.
All right, get out of
our house, little girl.
Thank you.
( LAUGHS )
So, little Becky has got
her first boyfriend, huh?
Oh, I wonder what
this guy is like.
Rosie, you know girls always go
for guys who remind
them of their fathers.
Not if they listen
to their mothers.
Come here, baby.
Give snakeman a little kiss.
All right, Becky,
where is this Romeo?
You promised. You're
not my parents.
You don't know me,
you've never seen me.
That's right, Rosie charm.
We swore a oath.
Just give me my
money, and I'll go.
We don't give money
to strangers.
Mother.
All right, now here.
Don't elope with this.
Thanks.
- What size shoe you wear, Dan?
- Eleven.
Eleven, a very common size.
I bet five different men wear
those bowling shoes every day.
Five men who bowl and sweat
and have who knows what
kind of hygiene health.
Crystal, would you stop
flirting with my old man?
She's right, Rosie. These are
kind of grungy. Check 'em out.
It's some kind of
fungus in there.
Get away. You're
making me sick.
You can't see fungus.
I think that's that good-luck
Mold they stick in 'em.
This looks like the party lane.
I'm here, Dan. You can
start having fun.
They didn't tell me
it was scag night.
You got your own shoes, huh?
Yeah, I don't use
those rented things.
Dan, they're loaded with germs.
Roseanne, you're supposed to put
your shoes under the bench.
Says who?
It's just part of good bowling.
See, all the league bowlers place
their shoes neatly under the bench.
You could never be in a league.
Come on, baby, let's go
pick out a couple of balls.
- You pick me one out.
- No, Roseanne,
pick out your own ball so
you get the proper fit.
- Come on, I'll help you.
- ROSEANNE: Oh, this is work.
You any good at this game?
Yeah, I'm pretty good.
I haven't played in a long time,
but I used to be a high scorer.
We're talking about
bowling, booker.
That, too.
So you care to make
a friendly wager?
- Yeah.
- All right, if I win,
then you have to spend
the night at my place.
That's pretty friendly.
If the stakes are too
high, just say so.
Well, it sounds like
a one-sided bet.
Actually, no. See, 'cause if
you lose, then we both win.
I've got a 160 average, booker.
There's no way you're
gonna beat me.
What if you win?
Then you spend the
night at my place.
Sounds good.
Scrubbing my bathroom.
Whatever gets you in the mood.
Is that a bet?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, I love you guys' shirts.
Didn't you have a hit record
out the year I was born?
Come on, you guys.
Warm-up frame.
BOOKER: Come on, Danny!
♪ Dan, Dan, he's our man ♪
♪ if he can't do it,
no one can. ♪ hey!
Hey! All right.
All right. All right.
Hey, everybody, quiet, would ya?
Can't you see somebody's
trying to bowl here?
( PINS CLATTERING )
Dan, you're up. Let's go,
show 'em how it's done.
Show us that special
gutter ball.
This is it. History
in the making.
Dan conner is on his
way to a 200 game.
- Check the score lately?
- I know the score, booker.
What am I up, 10, 20 pins?
It's very early in the game.
But I am bowling better than I ever
have. Why do you think that is?
( PINS CLATTERING )
- Yeah!
- Danny!
- Danny!
- Hey!
You are sizzling.
Sss… Book, you're up.
Hey, what's going on
with you and booker?
Nothing.
Oh, that's why he's
drooling all over himself.
We made a bet.
What kind of bet?
A friendly bet.
How friendly?
Extremely friendly.
Where was I
when mom and dad were
dropping you on your head?
It's fine.
He's been lucky so far, but his
game's about to fall apart.
- ( PINS CLATTERING )
- Ooh!
Now he's crumbling.
He only knocked down, uh…
He only knocked down, what,
ten pins on that one.
- ( TAPS PENCIL )
- DAN: Roseanne…
It's your turn.
- I just bowled 20 minutes ago.
- Get up there.
- Honey?
- What?
If you manage to
knock down one pin,
I'll be your love
slave for life.
Yeah, but what do I win?
Honey, that was sensational.
You managed to keep
it in our lane.
Hey, Darlene, what you doing?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm looking for chip.
I got to go to the ladies room.
Okay, Darlene, where is he?
I promised Becky
I wouldn't tell.
Well, you'd better
tell me, Darlene,
or I'm gonna have
to start dancing.
Mom, no.
Right here in front
of all your friends.
Hear that music.
Mom, please!
Oh, I can't stop myself.
I must dance.
Okay, okay. You win.
Chip's the guy
behind the counter.
ROSEANNE: The blond?
- Yes.
- Oh, he's cute.
Don't tell Becky I told you.
Oh, honey, you know I'm
smarter than that.
I'll just hold it over your
head for the rest of your life.
So, how's this bet between
you and booker going?
Booker is beating the
pants off of me.
Literally.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
- [ ( PINS CLATTERING ]
- Ss-so close.
Come on, Danny, hit the
spare. You got it.
Oh, booker's really
on a roll, Roseanne.
All we got to do is, like,
break his concentration.
Yeah, we break his
concentration. Right.
Yeah, you can handle that.
Yes, and once again, I will save
you from your pitiful self.
( PINS CLATTERING )
Yes!
The ruler!
Iceman Dan conner has picked
up that difficult spare.
And let's see it again
in slow motion.
The ruler.
- Hey, can I be your bowling groupie?
- Take a number.
Jackie, watch carefully
as I put the game out of reach.
Booker, did you get that
infection cleared up?
I have got to go over
there and talk to him.
Then go.
Darlene, you don't understand.
You don't just walk up to a
guy and start talking to him.
No, you hide behind a video game
all night drooling like a geek.
I have to figure out
exactly what to say.
Well, go buy some popcorn.
All right, this is it.
Here I go.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you doing?
Oh, fine.
- How are you doing?
- Fine.
So, you're working tonight?
Yeah, I was supposed to go
to the steel vipers concert.
My mom said I couldn't go
unless she came with me.
- I told her to forget it.
- Parents are so uncool.
They won't let you
go anywhere alone.
Yeah. Your parents
here tonight?
No way. They just
dropped me off.
I'm here by myself.
You sell pretzels here?
Yes, ma'am.
Pretzels, popcorn, peanut,
whatever you want.
- I got to go.
- No, wait, you don't have to leave.
I'll just be a second.
Come on, sit down.
- Okay.
- Oh, why don't you finish waiting
on this beautiful young woman.
No, that's okay. You
can wait on her.
Oh, you're so kind.
Listen. Uh…
Give me two pretzels
and two beef jerkys.
Okay, coming up.
Nice weather we're having, huh?
- You want any sodas to go with that?
- No.
The snacks are just fineroony.
So, you like working here, chip?
Yes, it's okay, I guess.
- What do they pay you?
- Enough.
- You gonna be working here forever?
- Nope, I get off at nine.
That's 3.50.
Four bucks. Keep
the change, honey.
Thanks.
She gave me a tip, and all
she bought was pretzels.
- That was real cool.
- Yeah, real cool.
Hey, look at what I found.
- Where did you find it?
- Stuck to a video machine.
What have you got
in your pocket?
- Ice cream sandwich.
- Smart move.
I was saving it for later.
Booker, you're up. Last frame.
Game's already in the bag.
This is just a formality.
Shut up and bowl.
What's the matter
with you, honey?
She bowled a 97.
Well, they just ought to take
you outside and shoot ya.
I'm never gonna play
this game again.
Yes, you are, honey. You'll
do it again next week,
and you'll be just as
annoying as you were tonight.
( PINS CLATTERING )
Oh, yeah. Good one, booker.
Roseanne, you're up.
That's it. Read 'em and weep.
- Did you really think I was gonna pay up?
- Yes.
Would you really want me
there against my will?
Absolutely.
- All right, booker, a bet's a bet.
- That's right.
What, it would be so bad?
What?
Spending the night with me. Would
that be such a horrible thing?
It might be nice.
Yeah, just nice.
It would be incredible.
Yeah, it would be
incredible. Not tonight.
What?
Not on a bet.
Not tonight and not on a bet.
You welcher!
Come on, Roseanne, would you get
up there? It's the last frame.
- Ah!
- CRYSTAL: Get it over with.
DAN: Come on.
All right, what's my score?
Uh, let's see.
Seven.
( JACKIE LAUGHING )
What inning is it?
Get up there and bowl.
Come on, Roseanne.
Come on, Roseanne.
Come on!
( ALL LAUGHING )
Well, you can razz
me all you like,
but I am unshakable.
Oh, yeah? ( GRUMBLING )
I can get a strike
any time I want.
How's that?
I pretend like the
pins are the kids
and this is your head.
Have at it.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!
Come on, Roseanne!
LA-LA-LA-LA!
( PINS CLATTERING )
( TV ANNOUNCER ) And it's a body
blast, and the human clamp goes down.
Oh, it's all over now.
Snakeman's got it wrapped up.
The human clamp is undefeated
in 47 consecutive matches…
This is like all-male porno,
except for they're
wearing bathing suits.
( GRUNTING )
I was a pretty good wrestler
in junior high school.
Coach used to call me
damaging Dan conner.
God, don't make me listen
to that boring story again.
Whoa! Whoa! Look out,
ladies and gentlemen!
It's a crunch suplex!
No! He got her over!
He's going for it!
He's going for the finger four!
He's bouncing off the ropes!
Ladies and gentlemen, look out!
Holy cow! He's setting her
up for a heart punch!
Oh! It's illegal in 30 states!
Holy cow, ladies and gentlemen!
Iceman Dan conner
has gone berserk!
He's setting her
up! He's got her!
One, two, three.
- Do you quit?
- One more.
Four. ( IMITATES
CROWD HISSING )