Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 22 - Dear Mom and Dad - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHS )

Okay, we bet $50,000.

- ROSEANNE: I call.
- It's not your turn, mom.

I know, but it's my house.

We gonna play poker,
or shoot the breeze?

- Shoot the breeze.
- DAN: Okay.

The Portchester game, last
game of my senior year.

- ( KIDS WHINING ) - We're down by
a touchdown with one minute to go.

Let's play poker.



Now we gotta shoot the breeze.
I get to tell this story.

Dad, we know this story.

This time I'm telling it from
the referee's point of view.

- I got a pair.
- So do I.

Yeah, but Roseanne's
are showing.

You guys think we don't get
your corny little sex jokes.

Hey, you kids are our
corny little sex jokes.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Geez, it's the fuzz! Hide
the cards and the jif!

Darlene, I think it's high time

we taught D.J. How to
play 52-card pickup.

( LAUGHING )

( GASPS )

Ta-da! ( LAUGHS )



Dad, what are you doing here?

I came to see my sweet
little kapushka.

- Al!
- Hey, daddy!

Dad! Oh, my gosh!

- Is everything okay?
- Fine, fine.

Where's grandma?

- Here she is now.
- Hello!

Mom!

- Mom, hi.
- Aww.

What are you guys
doing in Lanford?

Well, we got up this morning and I said
to your mother, "what do you wanna do?"

And as usual she had no opinion, so I
said, "let's go for a little ride."

Two hundred and fifty miles
isn't a little drive.

Especially when you have a
woman sitting next to you

who whenever you pass a car says,
"I wonder where they're going."

Boy, she's got problems.

Ma, why didn't you call?

I did, but your line was busy.

Then I tried your sister. I
couldn't get a hold of her.

I thought maybe something
was wrong, but of course,

if there were, god knows,
she would never tell me.

My apartment was getting
fumigated, mom, so...

fumigated for what?

All those louses
you go out with?

Let me see if I got
this straight.

- We need milk...
- milk.

- We need eggs.
- Eggs.

Bullets.

Come on, Dan, let's just
try to get through this.

( SIGHS )

ROSEANNE: What are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Grandpa's in the bathroom
making those gagging noises.

Ew.

How long's he been in there?

At least a half an hour.

Well, he's probably
got it all up by now.

Why don't you go back to bed.

Mom, he's really
driving me crazy.

If he says "pull my
finger" one more time...

well, now you know where I get
my smart, sophisticated wit.

I can't believe that
man raised you.

Now you know why I was so
crazy to marry you so young.

I thought it was because
you were madly in love.

Yeah, with the idea of
getting out of my house.

Is there a place in
here to sit down?

Yeah, why don't you try one of
these things we call "chairs"?

We sit in 'em frequently.

What kind of list is he making?
Not that it's any of my business.

A hit list.

He's just gonna go out to the
store and pick up a few things.

Please don't get
anything special for me.

I'll eat whatever you have,
but your father's diet

is low sodium, low
fat, and high fibre.

So why don't we just get
him some wood, you know?

And then he can put mustard on it and,
you know, that'd be a good treat.

Mustard's high in fat. A lot
of people don't know that.

A lot of people don't care.

I do, but doggone
it, I gotta go.

( DOOR CLOSES )

- He's not working, is he?
- He's working.

Well, I'm glad, because
your father worries,

especially about your sister.

( SIGHS )

He doesn't have to worry.

Well, somebody has to.
She's 32, she's unmarried.

Heaven forbid that she turns
out to be like your aunt dale,

who teaches P.E.

Speaking of aunt dale,
how is uncle Shirley?

Also, your father is concerned

because your sister
lives in a building

that needs to be fumigated.

But I am her mother.

It is not my job to
tell her what to do.

Oh, I get it.

But it is your job to tell
me to tell her what to do.

Yes, I'm sure petunias
are perennials.

Jackie, mom was just
talking about you.

Now you get to listen
while she talks about me.

So, are we gonna
talk about Roseanne?

Certainly not. It's just that
your father is worried about her.

She seems so tired all the time.

Mama…

You've been here a grand
total of one hour.

How do you know
how tired she is?

A mother knows.

Granted, it is a
different generation,

but your father would have died
before he made me go out to work.

Dan doesn't make Roseanne work.

That's what she tells you.

But you've never been married.
You don't know these things.

What'd you find out about me?

You're very tired.

Hey, ma, is two blankets enough?

Two's fine, if
that's all you have.

No, I have more. How
many would you like?

What did your father say?

He says he's gonna be sleeping
out in the driveway naked.

How many blankets
do you want, ma?

If you have two, two's fine.

I am this close to the edge,

and if I go over, I'm
taking you with me.

She does have a way
about her, doesn't she?

If she wants to rag on your life,
why doesn't she just tell you?

I'm getting so sick of these
behind-the-back conversations.

You mean, like the one we're
having about mom right now?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I mean, why should I have to
defend the guys you go out with?

You shouldn't.

And I'm tired of
explaining to her

why your house is so
filthy all the time.

Yeah, that's my business.

Yeah, she just doesn't let up.

Well, she's gonna let up,
because I'm gonna lay into her.

Well, I'm gonna
lay into her too.

That woman's not qualified
to judge anybody's life.

- Where is she?
- Mom?!

Enough is enough already.
We gotta do this.

Absolutely.

I found this under
your sister's sofa.

Mom, why are you
giving it to me?

It's her potato chips, it's
her sofa, it's her house.

If you don't like the way
that Roseanne keeps house,

then you talk to Roseanne about
it, you don't talk to me.

And if you don't like the
way that I run my life,

then you talk to me about it,
you don't talk to Roseanne.

We're... we're sick and tired of
the way that you manipulate us.

Is that so, Roseanne?

Yeah, right?

Well, maybe "manipulate" is kind
of a harsh word to use here.

I just think what Jackie means,

what she's trying to say is that
we wish that you would just

try to deal with us in
a more direct manner,

you know, if you want to.

No, that's not what
Jackie's trying to say.

What Jackie's trying to say...

where the hell were
you five minutes ago?

I'll get some sheets, mom.

You really should turn
your mattress more often.

- Where are you guys gonna sleep?
- Anywhere's okay with me.

Hey, I don't sleep anywhere.

Well, these cots
are pretty nice.

Oh, I'm sure mom and dad don't
wanna sleep on any cots.

What did we do last time?

Last time?

I've completely blocked
it out of my mind.

You guys don't mind
sleeping on cots, do you?

I can sleep anywhere.

Why don't you and dad just
take me and Dan's bed,

and we'll sleep out
here on the cots?

Honey, I can't sleep
on these things.

Last time Darlene and I slept
downstairs on the cots,

and grandma and grandpa
slept up in our room.

I want to sleep on
the sleeping bags.

No, that's not what
we did last year.

I'm very particular
about where I sleep.

What does that mean?

I'll tell you
something about me.

I'll never sleep in a
communist country.

I'll visit one during the day,

but I'll never sleep
in one at night.

Well, god bless America.

- Can I sleep in your sleeping bag?
- ROSEANNE: No, go.

How about what I said?

- What did you say?
- Forget what she said.

Please, let's not
fuss about this.

Dad and I can sleep anywhere.

Darlene and I slept on the cots, and
grandma and grandpa had our room.

These cots still smell from when
we found the dead pigeon in it.

- Darlene.
- JACKIE: Okay.

D.J. And I must have both slept on the
floor, mom and dad had D.J.'s bed...

but that couldn't have been,
because D.J.'s bed's too small

and they would have
been uncomfortable.

Jackie, you were not even here.

Temper, temper.

Then how come I can remember it?

Because you have total recall
of all things imaginary!

Girls, girls.

Let's be ladies, shall we?

Can we come to some sort
of conclusion here?

Okay, you want a conclusion?
I'll give you a conclusion.

Okay, Jackie, you go
sleep in D.J.'s bed,

D.J., sleep in a sleeping bag!

Girls, girls, girls, let's
just be little ladies

and go up and sleep
in your own bed.

- Mom and dad, you take me and Dan's room.
- Wait a minute.

And I'm gonna sleep here on the
cot, and so is Mr. Flexible.

Hopefully we won't have
all this confusion

once your father and
I have our own place

right here in Lanford.

Sleep tight, everyone.

Nighty night.

Dan, are you sleeping?

Like a baby.

The fact that it's 4:30 in the morning
and I have a spring in my pancreas

isn't keeping me awake
the least little bit.

If my parents move to Lanford,

I am gonna be sleeping on a
cot for the rest of my life,

because I'm gonna be in
prison for blowing 'em away.

Honey, honey, be realistic.

You don't know how to use a gun.

I'll do it.

Seriously, Dan, what
are we gonna do?

Well, I'd say "let's
sleep on it,"

but who can sleep?!

You know, if you knew how to
stand up to your parents,

we wouldn't be lying
here right now.

What is that supposed to mean?

And I'm warning you, that
fireplace poker's within reach.

Baby, let's not get
into this right now.

Because it's not my warped, psychotic,
neurotic parents that are laying in my bed.

- I'm gonna go sit on the porch.
- DAN: Honey, honey.

Honey, let's not do
this to each other.

Come on, baby, I'm sorry.

I'm just angry 'cause
I haven't slept.

We got a couple hours
left till daylight.

Let's just try to
salvage some sleep.

( CRICKETS CHIRPING )

( AL CLEARS THROAT )

MOM: Al?

- Al?
- Right here.

Oh. You two go back to sleep.

I'm just gonna make your father breakfast.
He always gets up at 4:30.

Why? I don't know.
Go back to sleep.

Feel like making love?

Don't get up.

I just want to know where
you keep your citrus fruit.

I think there's some strawberry
pop-tarts in the fridge.

Your father needs to have
a piece of citrus fruit.

I think there's an
orange under the dryer.

Go back to sleep.

Dan shouldn't sleep on his left side.
It's bad for the heart.

So's a rusty spike.

This is nuts. This is nuts.

I got a new job to start today.

I've gotta go to
work too, you know.

Well, why don't you go in there and
tell ma and pa kettle to shut up?

What are you doing up so early?

You know, this is the
best room in your house.

Yeah, 'cause mom and
dad aren't in it.

This is our only
sanctuary from them.

Well, don't count on it.

She'll figure out some
way to get in here.

And then you can stand up to
here again like you did before.

I said to your grandmother,

"Beverly"...

I call her Beverly
because that's her name.

I said, "Beverly",

this year I'm gonna pay more
attention to my stable and horses."

You don't have any
horses, grandpa.

'Cause I don't have a stable.

- Pull my finger, kid.
- Don't.

I'm sorry. What were you saying?

Oh, I'm finished.

Are you guys getting
ready for school?

Yeah, and we're really
excited about it.

That's great.

They're really doing
great in school.

Al was always very concerned
with the children's education.

He was some father.

What is it you
always used to say?

You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make 'em think.

You used to say that?

And you stopped saying that?

He used to say that,

and he doesn't say it anymore.

He used to say,

"you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make 'em think."

And he doesn't say it anymore.

I haven't slept.

I swear we're only sane today

because we kept each
other that way.

I know, we protected each other from Mr.
And Mrs. Total insanity.

Yeah, like that time that you
were in the eighth grade

and you were dating
that 40-year-old guy.

- Aah!
- He was not 40.

Oh, he was the only guy
at your freshman dance

that was wearing a toupee.

I told mom he was your tutor.

And I taught him more
than he taught me.

Well, that's the way it goes.

The bottom line is that

mom and dad are
just so out there.

Well, you know, it's
not all their fault.

We should show 'em a
little compassion.

Well, here we go again,

checking your
backbone at the door.

Well, fine. You blame
your whole life...

oh, Roseanne, you turn
into a little robot

every time mom and
dad come around.

You turn into little Rosie
two-shoes, and I'm sick of it.

Hey, people who live in cockroach-infested
apartments should not throw stones.

- I can't even talk to you!
- Oh, shut up!

You always have to
get your own way.

It has to be my way when you're
standing here in my bathroom

at 7:30 in the morning

after my parents came over to my
house and decimate my whole family.

Now they're your parents, fine.

If you want 'em,
fine, you have 'em!

Gee, you tell me when
it's their anniversary,

- and you let 'em stay at your house
next time they come… - Fine, good.

And decimate your whole family,
of which you don't even have,

because you can't concentrate on nothing
long enough than it takes to chug a beer!

And don't give me that wounded
little Jackie look either,

because that only works on guys
named mike who drive El caminos.

Very dramatic, Roseanne.

Oh, so now you're not
gonna talk to me.

God, would I love to throw a hammer
through a plate glass window.

Don't wait for a response, Dan.

Her majesty's not speaking
to anybody today.

- Jackie, who even asked you?
- Hey, I'm a part of this family too.

Yeah, when your hamper's full
or your car needs working on.

I've been a member of this
family longer than you have!

( LAUGHING ) Boy, that's
something to be proud of!

You know, I saw a whole
thing about this on Oprah,

and that's just what we are too.

We're just like that. We are
a dysfunctional family!

( SCREAMS )

Thanks, gramps. Bye, gram.

- AL: Bye, Becky.
- BEVERLY: Bye, dear.

Grandpa said he'd buy
me a horse next year.

Yeah, well, grandpa's
saddle's on too tight.

What are you doing?

I'm making breakfast
for my kids.

I already made them breakfast.

Go to school then.

- Bye.
- AL: Bye, kids.

Yeah, she made 'em breakfast.
Cereal and chocolate chip cookies.

Your father gave
them the cookies.

Whether they eat 'em now or in the
afternoon, what's the difference?

You want to know the difference?

I'll tell you what
the difference is.

The difference is, you show up at
my door unannounced, uninvited.

You just drive everybody and
work 'em up into a frenzy

until we're ready
to kill each other!

What are you talking about?
We're having a nice breakfast.

I'm talking about, if you guys
are gonna move here to Lanford,

you have got to move onto the
whole other side of this town,

because I am not gonna be able to
take this for the rest of my life.

Who's moving to Lanford?

You guys are. You
said so last night.

Oh, we're never gonna
move into Lanford.

We were just thinking,
we were just talking.

Why do you take
everything so seriously?

So you're not moving?

No. In fact, we've
got to get going.

We're on our way to see
cousin Sydney in beauford.

He had gum surgery.

I'm gonna buy him
some rock candy.

Well, it's a shame you
couldn't stay longer.

Dan, do you really mean that?

Hey, if you don't think you guys
leaving is gonna affect everybody,

you're crazy.

Al, did you hear that?

Yeah, I'd give him a big kiss…

- Oh.
- …If I liked boys.

Oh, mom, I'm really
gonna miss you.

Me too.

Big hug.

This has been a great visit.

Oh, this has been a
wonderful visit.

AL: Let me do it again.

And the sick thing is
that I kind of miss 'em.

I kind of don't.

Dan?

What-ee?

Pull my finger.

Aah!

Aah!

DAN: Here's the deal.

I'll get the chequebook
out, but I gotta watch.

- Hey, what a surprise.
- I was gunna do the line.

Well, I'm not working, so I thought
I'd come over and get some lines.

I'm gonna get out of here.

How nice. That was fun.