Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 21 - Death and Stuff - full transcript

This one's called
"death and stuff,"

and it was written by
my first ex-husband,

Bill Pentland, and
uh, it was because

when the show was
conceived it was called...

it came back and the title
was "life and stuff."

Which I was like, "what
happened to Roseanne?"

And I made them change it.

But... so he wrote
"death and stuff"

which is kind of a
nod to each other.

But it's a really funny show.

He did a real good job
and I hope you enjoy it.



( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Ah, whatever happened to Dondi?

Didn't you hear? He married
little orphan Annie.

They're hoping for
a kid with eyes.

Have you guys seen my jeans?

No, Darlene, we don't
wear your jeans.

Well, they didn't just
get up and walk away.

Well, yours could've.

Funny, mom.

Babe, did you find the ad yet?

Ah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Ba-ba. Yeah, here it is.



"Late model washer and dryer.

Great condition, low
noise, works dandy."

Ah, that's poetry, ain't it?

You know, that
perfectly describes

the washer and dryer
we just bought.

Now let me try to
run down the ad

on the one we're
trying to unload.

Hey, you think I could
get any of these suckers

in here to look
at it if I wrote,

"lint screen broken,
agitator cracked,

no knobs"?

That sounds like you.

Well, look at you two.

Straight out of the
pages of GG and vogue.

Hey, Jackie. I saved
Cathy for you.

There's some great tips in
there on landing a man.

Okay, then. Well, Dan, I…

I wish you the best of luck.

( LAUGHS LOUDLY )

Are the little rugrats ready?

Where you taking them today?

To the Greek market
on 19th street.

Darlene's gotta take something
to school for Greek week.

Why don't she take Adonis here?

ROSEANNE: Ooh, baby!

Hi, aunt Jackie.

( GASPS ) Monstroid.

- You ready to roll?
- Yep.

Where you rolling to?

The baklava store.

Well, you're not going no
place looking like that.

Go upstairs and comb your face.

It takes four people
to make baklava?

Only Darlene is making baklava.

The rest of us are escaping.

You mean you don't want to
spend a delightful Sunday

with mumsy and popsy?

The two most boring people
on the face of the earth?

Sunday around here is death.

Will dad have a third
cup of coffee?

( GASPS )

Will mom get off
the sofa by noon?

Will you get the hell
out of my house?

- And stay out!
- DAN: Scram.

( DOOR CLOSES )

Well, baby, we're all alone.

Ooh, no kids.

What should we do?

Oh, you mustn't go
back to the sewers

from whence you came.

Oh, the tragedy of it all.

I love you even though
you're not of my species.

I thought I'd wrap my
great, big, warm paws

around that refrigerator
compressor.

Ah, foiled again.

Hey, how long's this
manly job gonna take?

Oh, one hour, two max. Why?

'Cause I got a paycheck's worth
of beef in that freezer.

No sweat, as long as
nobody opens the door.

( LAUGHS )

Goodbye, my love.

Ahh.

( LAUGHS LOUDLY )

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

- Go away.
- DAN: Get it!

It may be somebody for
the washer and dryer.

( GROANS ) Why don't
you ever get it?

I have to do every damn
thing around here.

What?

Good afternoon, ma'am.
How are you today?

I'd just like a
moment of your time.

I already been saved.

But not from dirt.

Yeah, well, who's in the
centrefold this month?

I represent grease blitz,

the ultimate cleaning solution.

Well, I'm pleased to meet ya.

I represent filth.

This product is designed
for women just like you,

who don't have the time
to deal with grime.

Well, I got the time.
I just like it.

One demonstration
will convince you

that you cannot live without
this supreme product.

Can I trouble you for
a glass of water?

I've been… On my feet all day.

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

I really appreciate this.

( GRUNTS )

Now watch out for
that baked-on grease.

Of course, after we get
out of the living room

you oughta be safe.

Do I really have to tell you

not to let strangers
in the house?

Oh, he's just a
harmless old man.

Sure, harmless. Why don't you
pick up a newspaper sometime.

See how many of these
so-called harmless people

turn out to be serial killers.

No, he ain't no serial killer.

Anthony Avadaca, age 68.
Retired bakery truck worker.

Known to his neighbours as
kind, good with children,

charged with the murder of
22 innocent housewives.

The bodies were scattered
all over eastern Michigan

in pieces of strudel.

What kind of strudel?

Housewife strudel.

Well, he is no
serial killer, Dan.

He just wants to drink
a glass of water

and sell me 2,000 bucks
worth of cleaning products.

That's my second problem.
Just don't buy anything.

What makes you think I'm
gonna buy anything?

'Cause this looks like
aisle 12 at budget club.

Honey, I think it's
time you exercised

a little financial restraint.

You know, I think you're right.

I can't afford you anymore.
Get out!

Listen you, I'm
saving us a bundle

by fixing that compressor
under the fridge.

Yeah, unless you screw up and
have to pay some repairman

double Sunday overtime.

Hey, you, I got a manual.

- Ah, you… - What's that?

Nothing, dear.

All right.

Oh, I'm sorry, mister,

but we're gonna have to
skip the demonstration.

Excuse me. Mister?

Mister? Come on.

- Mister?
- What's wrong?

- Honey, he passed out.
- From what?

I don't know. Go
check his pulse.

You check his pulse.

- Oh, my god.
- What? What's wrong?

I think... he's dead,
is what's wrong.

Check it again.

I know how to count to zero.

Crying banatlies,
what are we gonna do?

I'll call 9-1-1, and you see
if you can find out who he is.

- How am I supposed to do that?
- Well, look for his wallet!

What are you doing with those?

I'm gonna make a salad.

Come on, Dan!

Roseanne, there's no way
I'm sticking my hands

into this guy's pockets.

Hello?

He has no wallet.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Hey, I don't mean to be an
ungracious hostess here,

but… When do you think

our guest might be leaving?

Soon as the coroner
pronounces the subject dead.

Then the body can be moved.

Hey, I pronounced him dead
over a half hour ago.

That's true, she did.

The coroner needs to
make that determination.

You do not want to
be wrong about dead.

No, siree, that would
be a real catastrophe.

That guy shouldn't even
have been in the house.

We're talking nine, ten
hours of paperwork, easy.

I'll just go out to my car,

radio the coroner's office,
have them check with the morgue

make sure they got room
in the fridge. So…

See if they got room
for a rump roast.

Roseanne, the refrigerator
will get fixed.

Forget about the refrigerator.
What are we gonna do

if somebody comes over here to
look at that washer and dryer

and they see our company
still laying here?

R

I invited the guy in the
house in the first place.

So I invited him in. So what?

I didn't buy anything.

Only 'cause he dropped dead!

That still counts. Now look it,

usually if somebody drops
dead in my kitchen

I will take the blame but
this is nobody's fault.

DARLENE: Why is there a cop
car outside our house?

Cop car?

Oh, engine trouble.

Is that for your baklava?

Yeah, that.

One pound of bak,
two pounds of lava.

You guys take that
in the kitchen.

Oh, no, Dan, you go get
the bags for them.

You kids stay out
of the kitchen.

BECKY: Why?

I washed the floors in there.

So how come dad can go in?

He helped me.

You washed the
floors on a Sunday?

Yeah, I'm gonna start washing
the floors every Sunday.

Like every Sunday,
you're gonna start

taking the kids to movies
and stuff like that.

What?

We're all turning
over a new leaf.

I'm gonna be a better housekeeper,
you'll be a better aunt.

What are you doing? How
come you're kicking us out?

I know what I'm doing
and what you're doing.

Now take them to a movie
and when it's over

call me and we can
meet for dinner.

What about my baklava?
It's due tomorrow.

I haven't forgotten about you.

I'm still trying to
reach the coroner.

- Ha, ha, ha.
- Coroner?

Who died?

Yeah, who died?

Some guy. We don't
know his name.

He's a salesman.

He came to the door
right after you left.

He died in our house?

Did the policeman shoot him?

No, honey, he just
kind of wound down

like when your toys
need new batteries.

I've never seen a dead body.

Yeah, where'd you
guys stash him?

- He's in the kitchen.
- You don't need to see him.

I'll be the judge of that.

I'll be the judge of that.

So what's gonna happen to him?

Well, when the coroner gets here

he's gonna take
care of everything.

Umm, let's go upstairs.

I'm gonna go… Take a peek.

- Me too.
- No, you're not.

Listen, you take your
little brother outside

and go play and have fun.

All right, Deej, let's go
wait for the meat wagon.

I hope that guy gets here soon.

I ain't touching
that refrigerator

till willy Loman's outta here.

Did you get a hold
of the coroner?

No, but I did get a
hold of his wife.

He's in the middle of
a golf tournament.

- So get him.
- ( SCOFFS )

You don't know the coroner
when it comes to golf.

You don't know me when it comes
to stiffs in my kitchen.

- How long is this gonna take?
- Well, he just teed off.

It's the member's
guest tournament,

and it is jammed out there.

Well, don't look at me!

If we would have had
sex like I wanted to,

none of this would
have ever happened.

Why can't we move Mr. Excitement

out to the garage or
something like that?

Lady, rules are rules.
The body cannot be moved

- until the coroner gets here.
- ( CRASHING )

Oh, what the hell.

What did you do?

I just lifted the
sheet to take a look.

Look, just don't touch him.

Don't fool around, don't
put your hands on him.

Just don't, okay?

Well, I've never seen
a dead body before.

Well, if that coroner
don't get here,

you're gonna be eating
dinner with one.

Gross!

Mr. Connor, will you
give me a hand, please?

You gotta be kidding me.

Well, Dan, that's
how I found you.

We gotta put the body back

into the original position
in which it was found.

Good, originally it was found
standing at the front door.

Hey, you're the authorities.

If you want him
moved, you move him.

Thanks.

When's the body
gonna start to rot?

I think I got a few
good years left.

Well, I gotta make my baklava.

So what's stopping you?

It's getting late, huh?

Is there gonna be enough
room on the table

for me to lay out
my phyllo dough?

Phyllo dough? What
are you making?

Oh, baklava. It's for school.

( SPEAKS GREEK )

- You know Greek?
- Yeah, I am Greek.

Prove it.

How long is this stuff
supposed to bake?

Well, until the crust
is nicely browned

but not dried out. You
see, it's okay now,

but we should check it
in about half an hour.

Okay?

Man, I hate working on
Sundays, don't you?

( CHUCKLES ) Come on.

( DAN GROANS )

You seen my manual?

What did I do with it?

Oh.

Look, uh…

I'll make you a deal, uh…

You don't bother me, and…

( CHUCKLING )

What do we got here.

Oh, let's see.

Thought we had a deal.

( STRAINS )

Oh!

( PANTING )

Well, jeez, I guess I just can't

leave you boys alone
for five minutes.

I hate you and everything
you stand for.

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

DARLENE: I'll get it.

You owe me. You owe me forever.

Rump roast, Dan. Rump roast.

DARLENE: Someone's here.

Great. Tell him we're
in the kitchen.

Finally.

The washer and dryer
are right over there.

Hi, I'm Donnie Carosek and
this is my wife, carol.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Dan Connor.

This is my wife, Roseanne
and my daughter, Darlene.

Dad, aren't you gonna introduce
them to uncle Edward?

Darlene, honey,

why don't you run along
and play, sweetheart?

Well, the neighbourhood's
kinda… dead today.

Darlene. ( CLAPS )

I'm gone, I'm gone!

I guess you guys want to
see the washer and dryer.

I believe we still
have a set in stock.

Is this a good time?

Oh, yeah,

we're… All just kicking back.

Washer and dryer
are right in here.

I think I got Becky
feeling better.

- How'd you manage that?
- A quart of scotch.

- Very funny.
- How's he doing?

He's still dead.

Probably doing better
than any of us.

That's the cosmic
joke, Roseanne.

He's the happiest
man on the planet.

How do you figure that?

His troubles are over.

Never again have to
stand in a line,

he'll never again
have to listen to

the Muzak version
of muskrat love.

Never again have
to eat a hamburger

and bite into one of those
little hard things.

How do you feel about
electric shock therapy?

Well, uh… I don't know, honey.
What do you think?

I don't know. What are
you asking for it?

$125.

Yeah, but there's no knobs

and the lint screen's broke.

Okay, 50 bucks.

- Well?
- ( BEEPING )

- It's time.
- It's time.

- It is time.
- Time for what?

It's time for his medicine.

It's medicine time.
It's medicine time.

It's his medicine time.

It's medicine time.
Uh… Medicine time.

- ( BANGING ARM )
- ( BEEPING STOPS )

Well, you guys are
gonna have to go now,

'cause it's time for him to take
his medicine and everything.

What does he take
the medicine for?

Muscle spasms in his neck.

$35, we'll discuss it
in the other room.

Rosie, you give
him his medicine.

You know, my aunt had
terrible neck spasms.

Sometimes all she needed
was a good massage.

- ( NERVOUS LAUGH )
- That's a great idea, honey.

Why don't you take the
Caroseks in the living room,

and I'll... I'll work
on uncle Edward.

I hope this isn't out of place,

but I am a massage therapist.

Boy, he is stiff.

$7.50, but you gotta say yes.

How are you doing, honey?

A lot better than him.

I feel bad for him.

Poor old man has to go
door-to-door to earn a living,

and he ends his life in
the kitchen of a house

he was never even in before.

Well… ( SIGHS )

If you were feeling any
different than you're feeling,

something would
definitely be wrong.

Well, then there's obviously
something wrong with Darlene.

No, there isn't, honey.

She feels just as bad as you.

She just shows it
in a different way.

( SPEAKS GREEK )

Oh, great.

Mom, there's an
ambulance outside.

Yeah, and some guy
with a golf bag.

Well, it better be the coroner
'cause if it's a golf salesman

we're out of chairs.

How's my baklava?

It's very hot. Don't touch it.

Ouch! It's hot.

You think just
'cause you got a gun

she's gonna listen to you?

- ( KNOCK AT DOOR )
- Oh, that must be Dave.

Should we put the
sheet back over him?

Let's just put it right
back on D.J.'s bed.

Let's put it on Darlene's bed.

Let's see who can
yell the loudest.

I can! Now shut up.

Yep. He's dead.

There's that in-depth
medical expertise

we've been waiting for.

Write him up, gene.

Bag him, hank.

- HANK: Name?
- GENE: Uh, John doe.

( DOOR CLOSES )

A guy shouldn't have
to live his whole life

just to be buried as John doe.

Well, they'll find out
his real name tomorrow.

He needs a name tonight.

Well, what are we
gonna call him?

He kind of looks like a Charlie.

Maybe he looks like a George?

He's a William,

definitely a William.

William it is.

Hey, hold on a second.

I don't know where
you're going, mister,

but if you bump
into Janis Joplin,

tell her I said hi.

I tried that technique
you told me about.

Where's D.J.?

D.J.!

Oh, I'm so glad we
have an intercom.

He's been upstairs all day
making gifts for everyone,

but he won't say what they are.

Who cares?

Okay, everybody,
close your eyes.

- Okay, open your eyes.
- What'd you get us, bub?

Toe tags.