Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Slice of Life - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Here, mom. Add these.

Well, that's just what these
triple-fudge brownies need:

More chocolate.

What are the other girls
bringing to the slumber party?

Insulin?

Mother, please.

Hey, beck, check it out.

- What is it?
- It's an 8-track.



It's like a blast
from the past, man.

Mother, tell your husband
these are the '80s.

Well, Becky, I guess you're old
enough to know the grim truth.

ROSEANNE: Your father
is frozen in time.

We're just gonna skip the '80s

and try to thaw him
out in the '90s.

Go ahead and take it.
It'll be trippy.

I'm gonna go pack.

( KISSES )

Far out!

Hey, what time's your game?

I don't know. Around 3:00.

- How's the arm, sport?
- Okay, I guess.

Hey, I'm all set for the game.
Hey, now, batter!



Hey, batter! We better!
We better! We batter!

- Hold it.
- What now?

The Lanford lightning bolt ain't
going no place without breakfast.

I'm just going out to the
garage to get my glove, okay?

You know, it comes to me,
Dan, that our middle child

is kind of, how do you
say, out of sorts.

Pregame jitters. I used
to get 'em myself.

All your great ones do.

Yeah, well, how soon before the
game do these here jitters set in?

'Cause she's been flying off
the handle for two weeks.

Seems like business
as usual to me.

Well, guess again.

Darlene the chocolate queen just walked
by a plate of triple fudge brownies

without even breaking stride.

She's in training, babe.

Well, thank you, the
amazing conner,

for unraveling yet another
sports-related mystery.

Yeah, first you're gonna
field some breakfast.

- Fine.
- Hey, kiddo.

I'm gonna really try to make it over
there today, but it doesn't look good.

I've gotta pour a driveway
over on the west side.

Don't worry about it. It's okay.

But I'm gonna be there.

Can't you guys just
leave me alone?

I don't need you there
to watch me pitch.

Pitch, pitch, pitch. All
she ever does is pitch.

Where's mom?

She and D.J. Went
to wash the car.

- She say when she'd be back?
- Nope.

She say anything about
coming to my game?

- Not to me. Why?
- Nothing.

Will you be mad if
she misses the game?

My life would be perfect
if she missed the game.

It's already halfway perfect.
Dad's not gonna be there.

They gettin' on your nerves?

Becky, every time they come to one of
my games, dad just starts yelling,

"we better! We better! We better!
Swing, batter!"

And mom... she throws
sno-cones at the umpire.

She does not.

She did once.

I'm telling you, they're
complete nerds.

Hey, wait'll you start dating,

and dad asks the guy you're going
out with if he has popcorn money.

I'm not dating, ever.

It doesn't matter. They'll always find
a way to embarrass you, believe me.

It's not fair.

I mean, parents are supposed
to stay in the house.

Except when they're
driving you somewhere,

and then they're just supposed
to drop you off and go away.

In a perfect world, Darlene,

in a perfect world.

I mean, look what dad wanted
me to take to Dianne's.

What's that?

( IMITATING DAN'S VOICE ) Like
a blast from the past, man.

They can't be our real parents.

Nerd alert, nerd alert.

Becky, you gotta help me. I don't
want mom to come to my game.

D.J.: I'm gonna go watch TV.

Darlene, what did I tell you I was gonna
do if I found these on the couch again?

Look, just give me the shoes
and hold the lecture.

- Darlene!
- Listen, miss smart mouth.

You're not even gonna
be needing those shoes,

'cause you're not gonna play
baseball again till you're 58!

Fine with me, I don't wanna play
anyway if you're gonna be there.

Did you ever throw a
sno-cone at an umpire?

You weren't there. You
didn't see the call.

- I'm here.
- Me too.

- Aunt Jackie, you brought it.
- Yes.

Do you remember
the sleeping bag?

Oh, my god, you still
have that thing?

Yes. Mom gave this to
me when I moved out,

in case I needed a place to
stay for the rest of my life.

There are cowgirls all over it.

Becky, those aren't
just cowgirls.

That is the cowgirl.
That's Annie Oakley.

There is no way I'm taking
that to my slumber party.

I guarantee you, no one
will have one like this.

Yeah, including me. I'd
rather sleep in a trash bag.

Well, they're under the sink.
You'd better take two.

Oh, mother.

Jeez. Oh, if this
bag could talk.

I'd cut its tongue out, I would.

You remember how much
we hated this thing

when mom brought it back
from that yard sale?

They could've at least
turned off the sprinklers.

Give me a break!

I thought you were going
to Darlene's ballgame.

Well, Darlene and I aren't
exactly talking these days.

- We're yelling.
- But you both do it so well.

Yeah, and I usually enjoy it, but
boy, lately she's driving me crazy.

Oh, Roseanne, she's 11.

You remember all the trouble
we used to give mom?

Yeah, but mom deserved it.

Whereas Darlene has me, you know,
and I'm the perfect mother.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot.

I'm serious, Jackie.

I'm the antithesis of
everything mom stood for.

Oh, Darlene would be against you no matter
what you stood for. You're her mother.

I don't remember having
this problem with Becky.

Sure you did. Becky was just too
polite to say anything about it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But it's not just you. It's Dan too.
It's all parents.

You're just going through
what is commonly known as

the "I have no parents, I was
hatched from an egg" syndrome.

- Oh, I just can't wait till you have kids.
- ( PHONE RINGING )

Hello.

What happened? Which hospital?

I'll be right there.

No, she's not allergic
to penicillin.

- What?
- Darlene's in the hospital.

- Becky, get down here now!
- What happened?

- It's an appendicitis.
- How do we get in touch with Dan?

We can't. There's no
phone on the job site.

- Want me to stay with the kids?
- No, Becky can watch D.J. You go with me.

Mom, what's wrong?

Your sister's in the
hospital with an appendicitis.

- Oh, no, what do you wanna do?
- Darlene's in the hospital?

Oh, she'll be okay, honey.
You stay here with D.J.

I'm gonna go start the car.

And when dad gets home, tell him me and
Jackie are in county hospital emergency room.

- Okay.
- I wanna go with you.

- ROSEANNE: You can't, honey.
- Yeah, D.J.,

you and me gotta stay here and
give this note to daddy, okay?

- I wanna go with mom!
- I'm counting on you, Becky.

- Mom!
- ( DOOR CLOSES )

Deej, come on. I'll let you
have some more brownies, okay?

Mrs. Conner? Ted Graham,
Darlene's baseball coach.

Oh, Ted, hi. How is she?

I don't know, they won't
tell me anything.

Well, they're sure as
hell gonna tell me.

( SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE )

Look, we are trying to find

somebody who speaks

whatever it is you're speaking.

I can't find the blank
insurance forms.

I'm Roseanne conner. I'd
like to see my daughter.

FOR THE THIRD TIME: File
cabinet, top drawer.

Conner? Conner.

Right. Darlene conner.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

She was out there on the mound,
she was having a good day.

She was three innings
into a no-hitter,

and then, boom, she went
down like a ton of bricks.

Here you go, Mrs. Chambers.
All done.

- Great.
- I'd like to see my daughter.

Darlene's being prepped for surgery. Dr.
Bryce will take you to see her.

Well, now, how's Darlene doing?

We haven't been advised
of her condition.

Dr. Bryce to emergency, please.

Mrs. Conner, is there
anything else I can do?

No, we'll be okay, but I really appreciate
your coming down here with her.

- Tell her she got the win.
- Thanks, I'll tell her.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Wagner,
please call extension 32.

Dr. Wagner, please
call extension 32.

- How is she?
- They're getting her ready for surgery.

- You seen her?
- No.

Are they gonna let us see her?

Soon as the doctor gets
here, and she's on her way.

- How you doing?
- Been better.

Come here.

Woman on P.A. Dr.
Steinfeld to emergency.

Oh, god.

Hey, hey.

- Lake Ranoma.
- What?

What was it, five years ago
we were up in that cabin

and Becky had the lung
infection, and we thought...

- ( SIREN WAILING ) - Well,
we both know what we thought.

We got through that, right?

Okay, this is just
like lake Ranoma.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Mr. And Mrs. Conner?

Yeah?

Hi, I'm Dr. Bryce. I'll
be operating on Darlene.

Can we see her?

That's not possible. She's
being taken in to s...

- well, they said we could see her.
- Mr. And Mrs. Conner,

this is the situation.

Darlene's appendix has ruptured,
causing her to run a fever.

Now under normal circumstances, we try to
bring the fever down before we operate.

But…?

But there appears to be an
obstruction of the intestines,

which means we can't wait
for the fever to come down.

- We have to operate now.
- Is that dangerous?

I mean,

is it dangerous?

I can't tell you not to worry.

You'll do that anyway.
I'm a parent too.

There are dangers associated
with any surgery,

but I can assure you that this
is not an uncommon procedure.

How long does it take?

Well, it usually takes
about two hours.

And when it's over, I'll
come out, I'll talk to you,

and then you can see Darlene
in the recovery room.

- She's gonna be all right.
- Yeah.

Yeah. They probably do
this 20 times a day.

Not on our daughter.

Darlene have chickenpox?

Yeah, November '83.

- You want some coffee, sis?
- Measles?

- No, thanks.
- What?

Yeah, she had the m...
just let me do it.

I don't know how you
remember all this stuff.

- What stuff?
- Like when Darlene had the mumps.

Well, because she had the mumps the same
time D.J. And Becky had the mumps, Dan.

You don't forget three kids
having SIMULTANEOUS MUMPS.

WOMAN: Conner?

- Yeah, something wrong?
- Oh, no.

Well, yes. Your insurance
card's expired.

That can't be, Dan. I paid
that bill last month.

- Are you sure?
- What do you mean, am I sure?

I have the cancelled
check at home.

Why don't you just get
those clowns on the phone?

- There's an 800 number on the back.
- I'll call 'em.

No, you sit down. I'll call 'em.

When you finish these forms,

if you'd just return them
to the admissions desk.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I know the future
of medical science

depends on knowing my
mother's maiden name.

I can't believe this. My kid's in
surgery, I'm sitting here taking my SATs.

Roseanne, just forget
about the forms.

That's just their way of having
people sit down and shut up.

Well, whatever
happened to ether?

What are you talking about?

My wife mailed you
that check last month.

I don't know what day she mailed
it, but I know you got it.

Listen, I'm in a hospital where
my kid's getting surgery.

I don't have the
cancelled checks on me.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Oh, damn.

Why this morning,
of all mornings,

did I have to yell at Darlene?

Because she was being
a pain in the butt.

Oh, Jackie, she's just being 11.

Roseanne, yelling at Darlene,
that's like breathing.

It's just an
involuntary response.

I still feel like
the mom from hell.

Well, there's only one
solution to that.

You take a vow right this
minute that you will never

yell at Darlene again
in life, ever.

Yeah, think of all the
free time I'll have.

Yes, I do. No, no.

Because you cashed it.

Yeah, that's right,
you cashed it.

And I have that cancelled
check at home,

because I balanced the chequebook
last month, and I have it.

Somebody there did,
because I got a cancelled

check at home with your
company's name on it.

Right, and just ask
for the supervisor.

Look, let me talk to somebody
else there, all right?

- Yeah, I'll hold.
- Here, honey.

Here. Good luck.

Hello, this is Mrs. Conner.

C-o-n-n-e-r.

Yeah. "C" as in "cat,"

"O" as in "oaf,"

"N" as in "numskull,"
"N" as in "nitwit,"

"E" as in "empty-headed,"

"R" as in "target."

I feel like I ought to
be doing something.

Well, I feel like that all the
time, especially at work.

I feel totally useless.

I'm just sitting here, and
Darlene's getting operated on.

Well, Dan, what do you
want to do, assist?

- I just hate waiting.
- I hear you.

Nobody hates waiting
worse than me.

I'd bite other people's
nails if they'd let me.

Get away from me.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Wagner,
please call extension 32.

Dr. Wagner.

How are you, my wife? Is okay?

You'd better take him
up on it, Jackie.

That's liable to be
your last proposal.

No, what you mean
to say here is,

"how is my wife? Is she okay?"

Is she okay?

Yeah, and then you take
it to that desk over there,

and good luck to you.

- She okay?
- All right.

- ( DAN SIGHS ) - MAN ON P.A.:
Nurse Berman to maternity.

- What'd they say?
- Everything's okay.

They just spelled
our name wrong.

- I'm gonna call Becky.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Becky, help me find
the piece for here.

D.J., you're supposed to put the
outside of the puzzle together first.

Darlene said, always start
with the dog's tail.

- Okay, here.
- Thanks.

( PHONE RINGING )

- Hello?
- Hi, honey. It's daddy.

Is Darlene okay?

Yeah, she's gonna be fine.
How you guys doing?

Let me talk!

- Hi.
- Who is this?

Dad, when you coming home?

- It won't be long now, sport.
- Okay, bye.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.

How you holding up?

Okay, I guess.

Just okay?

Dad?

- Yeah, honey?
- I'm a rotten sister.

What are you talking about, baby?
You're a great sister.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, sure you are, kid.

Hey, who's been taking such great
care of D.J. All afternoon?

No, that's not what I mean.

I mean, I try to keep
thinking about Darlene,

hoping she's okay and
everything, but...

but you start thinking
about other stuff?

Yeah.

Dumb stuff, like that stupid
slumber party and chip.

Well, honey, that doesn't
mean you're a rotten sister.

It's just when your brain figures it's
thought about something for too long,

it switches over to something
else so it doesn't overheat.

It's not gonna work, dad.
I'm not gonna laugh.

No, no, no, no, I'm
just trying to say

that if you think about
something for too long,

smoke will come
out of your ears.

Dad, quit it.

And steam will come
out of your nose.

- Daddy.
- Fire'll shoot out of your mouth.

Chippy-whippy will love that.

Hell, I'll love it too. I won't have
to buy no more charcoal starter.

( RATTLING )

- Hey, would you knock it off?!
- What?

That. You're driving us crazy.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Dan, that operation's
supposed to be over by now.

I'm gonna find out
what's going on.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr.
Steinfeld to emergency.

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

I'd like to know what's
going on with my daughter.

Your daughter's name?

For the millionth time,
it's Darlene conner.

- Oh, right, the appendectomy.
- No, wrong.

She's not an appendectomy,
she's a little girl.

She's having an operation, and
it's supposed to be over by 5:30.

If I had some answers, I
would give them to you.

I ask one little question,
what's happening with my kid,

and nobody can tell me anything.

That's not a stupid question.

That's a question that
deserves an answer.

It's a question any human
being has a right to know.

Well, what's going
on with our kid?

Tell 'em, kiddo.

Mr. And Mrs. Conner.

- Is Darlene all right?
- She's fine.

So what am I yelling about?

- She's in recovery.
- Can we see her?

Well, she's just coming
out of aesthesia,

but I can take you
in to see her.

- Hey, Jackie...
- I'll call Becky.

What are sisters for?

Damned if I know.

- Mom?
- Yeah, honey.

How you doing, sport?

- Hi, dad.
- Does it hurt?

I can't really feel anything.

Can you feel this?

I'm really sorry.

Sorry for what?

About the way I've been acting.

I've been kind of a smart mouth.

Well, you take after me.

Yeah, Darlene, it's kind
of out of your hands.

It's just that sometimes...

I don't know.

Well, Darlene, don't you
think that I was 11?

Don't you think I had a mother?

And I used to wish that there
was some kind of machine

where you could just do this.
( STATIC HISSING )

And she'd disappear.

Well, that's not
exactly how I feel.

Yeah, but you gotta admit
that a gadget like that

would come in handy sometimes.

You mean like at baseball games?

Look, when you don't
want us around,

you just tell us and we'll cry
our hearts out and leave.

You're not going
anywhere now, right?

I mean, you're gonna
stay right here.

Oh, yeah, I'm here
for the night.

I brought my sleeping bag.

Thanks, mom.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

I found it, Darlene!

What?

The floor of your room!

Mother, please don't
make me laugh.

I still have stitches, you know.

Now, don't you think
all that ice cream

might spoil your
mid-afternoon snack?

Hey, I need all the
strength I can get.

You been home for a
week now, Darlene,

and you're going to school tomorrow no
matter what, so quit milking this thing.

Nice bedside manner.

Why, thank you.

Now get your damn
feet off my couch.

Don't worry, I won't tarnish
your beautiful fabric.

Darlene, when you gonna
stop being a smart mouth?

Mmm, three weeks
from next Tuesday.

What is your major
malfunction, numskull?

Didn't your mommy and daddy
give you enough love

when you were growing up?

Please don't fall off that sofa

and stain my beloved carpet.

That would break
my beating heart.

Now, why don't you get on board?
Why don't you get with a winner?

Climb on board, ride with us,

we're going to victory!

Please take your
sneakers off that couch,

or you are wallpaper!

Am I being read clear?

Do you understand
me, private conner?

Okay, I'm wallpaper.

Now could you guys
get out of here?

Oh, Darlene,

we are just so happy you're
back to your old self.

( SNORTS )