Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 17 - Becky's Choice - full transcript

Dan and Roseanne discover a difficult new side to Becky when they invite Chip and his parents over for a dinner party.

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Hey! Give those back,
you little booger!

- I'm not a booger.
- Give 'em back, I said!

No!

Give 'em back, you little thief!

Give 'em back, I said!

Hey, you two, what
about a cease fire?

D.J. Took my sunglasses.

- They're my sunglasses.
- You liar, they're mine!



- They're mine!
- They're mine!

They're mine.

I'm gonna be, like, the most
awesome kid at the mall.

Well, aside from
you, my gorgeous

and eternally hip
young daughter.

Thanks, my loving mother

who's still living in Woodstock.

Come on, everybody. Let's get a move on.
Come on, come on.

Becky, come on! We're
leaving in five minutes,

eye shadow or no eye shadow!

BECKY: We can't go until
I find my magazine!

I need the picture
of that dress.

Don't you have it
engraved in your memory?

Dan?!



- Are you dead?
- DAN: Yes!

That's too bad, honey,

'cause you still
gotta buy shoes.

Now, where are we meeting?

- In the bookstore by call it salad.
- At 4:00, sharp.

Oh, you're just a
little memory bank.

You give us the same speech
every time we go to the mall...

no jumping on waterbeds,
no perfume fights...

no falafel.

- Look at that dress.
- D.J., give it a rest.

This is the one I want for that
"one enchanted evening" dance.

Pretty snazzy threads
for an evening

that's going to end at 9:30.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Aunt Jackie, I found the dress I want.

Ouch! Hot stuff.

When I walk into that gym,
everyone's going to notice me.

Yeah, and then they're
going to puke.

Come on, mom, I want to
get over to the mall.

Better take her temperature. I
think she's got dress fever.

If I don't get this
dress, I'll kill myself.

Honey, bad luck to kill yourself

before the biggest
sale of the year...

Lanford mall spring-a-thon.

They're having this awesome thing
called the blue light-a-thon.

If a blue light flashes while you're
touching something, you get it for free.

My luck, I'll be
touching myself.

- I'm going to wait in the car.
- Me, too.

- Me three.
- So funny, I forgot to laugh.

Are you looking for
anything special?

Just the usual
Lanford excitement.

Roseanne, what's
wrong with these?

Why are you telling
me I need new shoes?

Because she lives

to torment you, like I do.

Thanks so for sharing.

- Now go home.
- No, no, no, I'm coming along

to make sure you get the shoes

'cause I'm tired of hearing
Roseanne complain about it.

D.J. And Darlene are
killing each other.

What's the bad news?

( BAND PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC )

I love the live music.

You should soak it in now

'cause they ain't gonna
be live much longer.

I've been to a lot of
a-thons in my day,

but I must say this is

the a-thon to end all a-thons.

Come on, I want to
get to the ultimate.

We got to wait for your
dad to park the car,

and then we got to
hear the epic saga.

Can I have a dollar
for a cherry guzzle?

- I thought you brought money.
- I did,

but I'm not spending it on food.

Cherry guzzle ain't food.
It's toxic waste.

Please, mom? I'm
dying of thirst.

All right, I guess your
life's worth a buck.

Thanks.

How come it takes dad so
long to park the car?

'Cause he's gotta drive around
20 minutes to find a spot

two inches closer than the one
he found 10 minutes before.

I just know that at
this very moment

some other girl in the ultimate's
buying the same dress I want.

Honey, what did I tell you about
being paranoid schizophrenic?

Mom, this is the
dance of the year.

Go ahead in the ultimate. I'll
meet you in a couple of minutes.

Thanks.

I'm keeping the charge card.

It must be hard to shop

with someone's tongue
in your mouth.

- Oh, my god.
- What?

That's Stan harmony. He's got
that exercise show on channel 32,

not to mention a
great set of pecs.

Well, maybe he's here
for the pec-a-thon.

How have I taken
advantage of you?

- In what way?
- In every conceivable way.

( CLEARS THROAT )
"You are here."

Thanks for telling us.

They've added a ton of stuff...

house of pedicures,
snow tires "R" us,

- bagel madness.
- ( LAUGHS )

I love malls. You can live, die,

and learn how to play the
organ, all under one roof.

( PLAYING SLOW DIXIELAND JAZZ )

Pick a key, will ya?

Yoo-hoo!

Look, it's the original
mall groupie herself.

Yes.

On her grave it will
say "you are here."

You guys didn't tell
me you were comin'.

We didn't want to spoil the
wondrousness of this moment.

Crystal, you look like
you bought out the mall.

It's tempting. Everybody's
having two-for-one sales,

one-cent sales,
half-price sales.

I'd love to get a set of towels.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Attention,
spring-a-thon shoppers:

For the next half-hour, in addition
to our regular 15% discount,

there will be an additional
10% discount at towels, etc.

Oh, my lord, this is incredible.

This woman has been
kissed by the gods.

I'm gettin' towels. Hi! Bye!

How far away did you park?

Gdansk.

Are you looking for
anything in particular?

Yeah, my mother. She's
supposed to be here already.

Okay, honey.

Forget it. Your butt's too big.

Would you get out of here?

Why don't you buy this one
with the big bow on the back?

That ought to cover the
continental divide.

Mother, tell your
daughter to get lost.

Darlene, am-scray.

- I need a dollar.
- For what?

Designs on yoghurt is giving away
free toppings with every purchase.

But not to you, you
just had a guzzle.

Half a guzzle. It was warm.
I threw it out.

- Mom, give her the dollar, please.
- All right.

Now, that's it till college.

Thanks.

This is cute. Lookit.

Mother, that is not the fashion
statement I want to make.

Well, 110 bucks

ain't the financial
statement I want to make.

Well, have you found
anything yet?

No, just a bunch of clothes.

Well, what exactly
are you looking for?

We're looking for something
that doesn't cost nothin'

and will change my
daughter's life.

Something like this.

That's a fabulous look. Let me show
you some things I have in the back.

Hey, you. I looked all over the place.
I couldn't find nothing.

Oh, you poor baby.

It must be hard to find shoes

when you're browsing around
in house of chain saws.

Roseanne, there's no way

I'm going to blow an entire Saturday
sitting in some shoe store,

waiting to be waited
on by some salesman

who's already got 200,000 other customers
who are waiting to be waited on.

I ain't buying shoes.

That's it.

End of discussion.

Get a couple of extra
pairs of laces, too.

- Mom, look at this dress.
- Wow.

Can I have it, please? Please,
please, please, please, please?

Well, first you
gotta say "please."

- How much is it?
- 79.95.

If you buy me this
dress, I promise

I'll never ask for
another thing.

Now, Becky, we discussed
price before we left home.

All my friends are going to
be wearing dresses like this.

If I don't have one, none of the
guys will wanna dance with me.

So dance with the girls.

Let's go look at something else.

I don't want anything else.
I want this.

This is an investment.

In a few years, your other
daughter will be able to wear it.

For 80 bucks, our whole family
has to be able to wear it.

- Let's look at something...
- then I don't want anything

ever again for as
long as I live!

Thanks. You've
been very helpful.

- DARLENE: D.J.!
- I wanna see the bunnies!

I went to your sister's house.
You're gonna go to my mother's.

All right, but I'm not eating.

Best 21.95 you'll ever spend.

Do you come with it?

The porta shaper toned
my entire body...

legs, chest, arms. They
can do the same for you.

If I work out with this,
I'll look exactly like you?

- Absolutely.
- And I won't need surgery or anything?

- I'll show you how it works.
- No.

- Come on.
- No. ( LAUGHS )

I feel a little overdressed.

Maybe I should take
some of this off.

Now, we don't want to get
too healthy too quick.

- Now, what are your goals?
- Uh…

To get the hell out of Lanford.

You know what? You sound a
lot like me five years ago.

I was a factory worker
in Mansfield, Ohio.

I work in the factory.

I was 32, 128 pounds,

bored senseless, stuck.

Do you know what I'm saying? I
hated getting up in the morning.

I know exactly what
you're saying.

It was April 2nd.

I opened my eyes that morning,
and the first thing I saw

was a cigarette butt floating
in a bottle of beer.

Right then, it hit me... Maven.

Maven?

Motivation, attitude, vitamins,
exercise, nutrition... maven.

THE RESULT: The porta shaper.
You can do it, too.

Well, that's you. I'm here.

- I'm… stuck.
- Hey, I was you.

I just got unstuck.

Hey, are these things
gonna make me nauseous?

Excuse me. I'm sorry, what?

See, I got this problem with
my stomach, and these things...

what about gas?

WOMAN ON P.A.: Attention,
spring-a-thon shoppers:

Will customer buddy Jaffey

please return to
Lanford national bank

on level three?

- How'd you do?
- Oh, swell.

- My daughter's not talking to me.
- Where's your new dress?

- We didn't buy one.
- It cost 80 bucks.

Lanford. ( SIGHS )

Lan-ford.

Cities in Illinois.

Roseanne, everything
in this town stinks.

You'll never be able to
buy Becky that new dress.

I'll never be able to buy
my kids a new dress.

Lanford's a big cesspool,

and we're all
condemned to sit here

and drown in the sewage.

Is something wrong?

Yeah. I'm 32. I
weigh 110 pounds.

I work in a crummy factory,
and I'm stuck here

like a cigarette in the
bottom of a beer bottle.

Honey, you're upset.

Blame him. He was a small-town boy.
He got unstuck.

He's showing people how
to bend over in a mall.

Yeah, well…

The only thing he's got that
you ain't got is a gimmick.

- You'll get there.
- Roseanne, I haven't even come close.

Sure, you have. What about
your edible nail polish thing?

What's the matter with that?

- Nothing.
- You'll do it.

Trust me, you'll get there.

When you do, it's going to be better
than having a stick on a rope.

- Yeah.
- Hey, you guys, I won.

Won what?

The blue light prize.
It was just incredible.

The blue light went off when
I was in towels, etcetera.

- What'd you win?
- Ooh, check it out.

Rubber sheets.

Well, my mall day's done.

- You guys need a ride to your car?
- No, thanks.

- Dan chartered a helicopter.
- Okay, bye-bye.

- BOTH: Bye.
- See you Monday!

Feel like a chilli dog?

Among other things.
You want a chilli dog?

No. I'm never eating again.

Fine, but you're still
doing the dishes.

- Why isn't that guy coming to us?
- He will, son.

We've been waiting forever.

( CHUCKLES ) We haven't
been waiting forever.

We've only been waiting…

Half an hour.

That's hardly forever.

Waiting's good for you.
Did you know that?

Waiting builds character.

Waiting helps you appreciate
what you've been waiting for.

Some of the greatest
men in history waited.

Lincoln waited at Gettysburg.

Caesar…

Waited all the time.

And these are some of your
great men of history.

- They were waiters?
- Uh-huh.

Excuse me.

- Dad, I need money.
- No, she doesn't.

Go suck on a loafer.

Come on, mom won't give me any.

- She probably has a good reason.
- No, just cheapness.

- All right, here.
- Thanks.

No parakeets.

- Are we still gonna wait?
- You bet.

- Is he ever gonna help us?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he's gonna help us.

Thomas Edison, he waited.

He was also deaf in one ear.

Beethoven was totally deaf.

He wrote some of the most
beautiful music ever written.

My aunt used to play
a piece by him...

"moonlight sonata."

She only knew that piece.

That and "theme from
a summer place,"

Percy sledge.

No, that's Percy faith.

I get the Percys mixed
up all the time.

Big talent. ( SIGHS )

Big, big, big, big.

Excuse me, sir.

I'll be with you in a minute.

( SIGHS ) Right.

- Dad, my elbow's five and a half.
- Great.

- Dad, will you measure my head?
- No. No, no, no.

Just sit there, okay?
Just sit there.

Don't measure anything.
Don't touch anything.

Don't try anything on.
Just sit there.

Just sit. Just sit there, okay?

Okay.

All right, very quickly. I'm
supposed to be on my break.

- This.
- What size?

- 13-d?
- 13-d.

- No sweat.
- Excuse me…

But every 13-D…

Is different.

Well, I guess that
answers my question.

I was wondering if you're
sitting here thinking about

what to get me for mother's day.

You're still not
talking to me, huh?

Fine. There's plenty of
other people who will.

Hey, dudes, have you heard

that new pink nipple album?

- Mother!
- It's a miracle!

The mall's restored
your power of speech.

- So you were saying?
- Don't embarrass me in front of strangers.

Oh, I didn't mean to
make you feel bad.

I'm sure you didn't mean
to make me feel bad

when you threw that hissy
fit in the ultimate

and made me feel like the
worst parent that ever lived.

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to embarrass you.

You know I'd love to
buy you that dress,

- but we just can't afford it.
- I know.

- You want to go look at something else?
- No, mother.

I'll wear what I already have.

- You sure?
- Yeah. I'll find something in my closet.

Oh, Becky, you're such a saint.

When we go home, you'll have to
ride on the dashboard of the car.

- ( GROANS )
- What's wrong?

- I'm beat.
- Wonder why.

Maybe 'cause you
just snarfed down

3,000 pounds of sugar.

Shut up.

- I'm going to go lay down.
- Lie down.

Shut up.

Mom, look what I got
for you... a shoehorn.

Why don't you go upstairs and
wrap it up and surprise me?

Okay.

- Well?
- Well what?

You know damn well "well what."

Is this the item to which

you're ever so
obliquely referring?

- Yeah, let's see 'em.
- ( GASPS )

Oo-ooh! Ahh-hh!

- Oh, nice.
- Nice?

Roseanne, every inch of
these babies is hand-sewn,

and that's not all.

Notice the superflex
sole, the bevelled heel,

the multi-textured
leathers and exotic skins.

No, no, this is more
than a mere shoe.

This is a timeless
piece of footwear.

On behalf of shoes,
I'm Ed McMahon.

- Say, Ed, what did you pay for them?
- 79.95.

Would you hate me if…

I asked you to take 'em back?

Take 'em back? No,
wait a minute.

You've been on my case all week,

begging me to buy
a pair of shoes,

and I finally give in because I
happen to be a decent human being.

I drag you and your "back from
the dead" sister to the mall,

drop you off at the door

while I drag my muffler around
the parking lot 30 times

looking for a place to park, get
kicked out of three handicap spaces,

almost get arrested,

spend a day and a
half in a shoe store

waiting for buster brown with
an attitude to wait on me,

- and you want me to take these back?
- Yeah.

May I ask why?

Well, 'cause there was
this dress for Becky,

and it cost 80 bucks, but
I couldn't afford it.

So I just was thinking if
we took the shoes back,

we could afford it.

You're an amazing woman, kiddo.

I know, and it only took you
15 years to figure that out.

- Becky!
- Yeah?

Daddy says we can
take back his shoes,

and we're going to
get that dress.

- Do you mean it?
- I swear on your father's shoes.

But you have to do every
single thing I tell you

for the next six
months with no lip.

I swear on my father's shoes.

You gonna drive us, honey?

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )