Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 16 - Mall Story - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Strike!

Too high.

That's 'cause you're a midget.

Come on, Darlene.
Bear down, bear down.

Strike two!

Too low.

Low! Low?! Are you blind?

Are you drunk? Are you crazy?



Get your popcorn!
Get your peanuts!

Get your butt over here

and help me with
these damn bags.

Babe, your daughter's on her
way to the hall of fame.

Well, on your way to cooperstown

drop them off in the kitchen.

Mom, do you think boobs
will affect my pitching?

Not this season.

Ahh…

Great to be alive, isn't it?

Well, I wouldn't know.

I just spent two hours
in a supermarket

with one of them carts that
only makes left-hand turns.

Well, this oughta
straighten you out.



Feel better?

Well, it wasn't as good as the
check-out boy, but it'll do.

Okay, johnny. See you
tomorrow night at 9:00.

Yeah, johnny, tomorrow at 9:00.

( DOOR CLOSING )

BECKY: Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

What'd you do?

Can't a girl say
hi to her parents

without being treated
like a suspect?

No.

Wine? Candles?

You cheated! You
read the labels.

All right, bub. You
must want something.

I want you to put a leaf in here

'cause we're having
company Friday night.

I invited chip and his
parents for dinner.

How could you do that?

'Cause I ran into chip's
mom in the supermarket,

and she puts a gun to my head,

so I invited 'em.

Beck, you've been
squawking for months

for us to have them over.
You should be happy.

I am happy.

So what's your problem?

Nothing. I just have a
lot of studying to do.

- On Friday night?
- Yes, on Friday night.

( FRENCH ACCENT ) That's
our busiest night.

- What's that?
- What?

That lightning bolt you got
hanging off your face.

What'd you do, pierce
your ear again?

Yeah.

How many holes in your
head does it take

to be accepted these days?

Six.

Well, three more
and I'll use you

to drain my spaghetti.

Do I have to get dressed
up for this boring dinner?

No, we're all dining naked.

Again?

Hey, I thought you were gonna
clear this table off for me.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I
was just goofing around

cooking dinner for eight.

Sis, are you sure
you won't stay?

No, I've got a date with booker.

- Well, bring him.
- No way!

I finally got him to
take me to a restaurant

that doesn't have
napkin dispensers.

What are you doing with that?

I'm marinating the swordfish.

Yuppies marinate everything.

Then I guess bonnie and
Edgar ought to love it.

Edgar. Chip's father's
name is Edgar?

Yeah.

I don't believe I've ever supped

with an Edgar before.

Well, it's the least we can do.

They've taken Becky
out a million times,

and to some really nice places.

So you're squaring the
deal by serving them

my famous marinated swordfish.

Well, you never know, sis.

Bonnie and Edgar could
be family someday.

Roseanne, chip and Becky are
only in the eighth grade.

Well, they've been going
together six months.

That's... that's
pretty much longer

than you've ever gone out
with anyone, isn't it?

Are they here yet?

Yes, I believe Asquith has
shown them into the study

where they're sipping absinthe
and playing billiards.

Should I put out
the good dishes?

Nah, let's just go
ahead and break down

and use paper plates
with divisions.

I'll put out the good dishes.

( DISGUSTED ) Ohh!

What's smelling like fish?

Fish.

What time did you
tell them to be here?

Becky, chill out!

They will be here
when they get here.

This is great. Now I gotta
eat this stupid fish,

and wear this stupid dress.

And you're gonna do
the stupid dishes.

Well, I do believe that
my work here is done.

( AFFECTED ACCENT ) Lady conner.

You're dismissing the
help for the evening?

I'd stay but my… (
SNAPS FINGERS )

French maid costume's
at the cleaners.

- ( SPEAKS FAKE FRENCH )
- ( ROSEANNE LAUGHS )

Remember to sprinkle a little
garlic salt on the fish

before you put it in the oven.

- Okay, I will.
- Good luck.

- Thanks.
- Thanks, sis. See you tomorrow.

They have to be out
of here by 9:00.

I have to start
studying by 9:00.

What exactly is it
that you're studying?

Nothing.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

- Finally.
- Becky, relax.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Your father and I are not
gonna embarrass you.

Right. I'll get the door,
you get the orgy lamp.

Lady Darlene, the
guests have arrived.

Get your feet off the couch!

Ha, ha.

- Think you're funny, chum?
- Uh-huh.

Well, let's just un-funny
you up a little bit.

Let's just shake some of
that wise-guy out of you.

( GIGGLING )

Hey, Mr. Conner.

Hey, chip, how's it going?

Hi, chip.

Hey, D.J. It's okay,
this is normal.

Hiya, bonnie.

How you doing, Roseanne?

Well, um, my feet hurt

and I got periodic
bouts of depression,

but other than that, I'm fine.

- I'm Becky's father.
- BECKY: Hi.

Hey, handsome.

Dan, Roseanne, this
is my husband, Edgar.

Hi, Edgar, good to know you.

This is the rest of
our stunning brood.

D.J., Darlene.

- BOTH: Hi.
- EDGAR: Hello.

Guess we're ready to eat.

I think maybe they'd like to
take their coats off first.

EDGAR: Thank you.

Here, you guys. Check
these for loose change,

and then throw 'em on my bed.

- DARLENE: Okay, mom.
- D.J.: Okay, mom.

Shut up, pinhead.

Precious, ain't they?

Here. These are for you.

Thanks, I'll go put them
in water real quick

so we can eat.

- Anybody care for a drink?
- You bet.

- My kind of gal.
- Just mineral water.

Well, we got water and I'm
sure it's got minerals in it.

- Edgar?
- Should I be bad?

Why not? You jogged
this morning.

( SIGHS ) What the heck?

I'll have a tropical hurricane.

I can get you a cold
beer and turn on a fan.

Beer's fine.

Ah. Babe?

I'll have some of that muscatel
in the door of the fridge.

Chipster, the usual?

Yeah, thanks.

Why don't we sit down?

Oh, here.

I know you two want to
sit next to each other.

Thanks.

Interesting picture.

Yeah, and it used
to be a postcard,

and then we had a hundred
paintings run off.

I told you she was a pistol.

- Mom?
- Mom.

What is it, Darlene?

Well, there was
laundry on your bed,

so I put the coats
on your chair.

I hope my beeper
didn't fall out.

I was perfectly willing
to put it in my purse.

Your purse is in the car.

- The car is locked.
- The alarm's not working.

Ah, just smack her, Edgar.

Thank you.

- I'm really getting hungry.
- Have a drink at the bar.

Mommy.

Daddy.

( SIGHS )

So…

So.

I'm so glad we did this.

ROSEANNE: Uh-huh.

So, Dan, uh…

Bonnie tells me
you're a contractor.

Bonnie speaks the truth.

Well, you know, I do a
bit of digging myself.

- I'm a dentist.
- ( DAN LAUGHS )

Everybody rinse.

Yeah, we go to that Dr.
Sternberg

over there on, um, oakhurst.

Oh, sure. We know mark.

He's real good.

We like him a lot.

But he's not on
oakhurst anymore.

- Is that right?
- Right.

He's in that new
professional building

over on Sheridan.

They must have moved.

Yeah, he shares space
with kehoe pamer,

you know the fellow
who had the thing...

you know, the one
who knows Barbara?

- Lidecker.
- Right.

Kehoe pamer and lidecker.

- Over on Sheridan.
- My friend Karen decorated it.

My friend Rocko
poured the driveway.

Jeez, talk about a
small world, huh?

Jeez.

Jeez.

Got an eta yet on
that fish, babe?

- Soon.
- How soon?

I'll check with the cook.

Becky, you doing
anything tomorrow night?

Why?

I thought we could go
see bloodthirsty 2.

- Tomorrow night?
- Yeah.

It didn't get very good reviews.

Well, neither did
bloodthirsty 1,

but you saw that 14 times.

Okay, I'll go.

I hear during the prom scene,
they use a human liver.

Oh, well, everybody
ready to eat?

BECKY: Yeah.

Good, I just turned the oven on,

so it'll cook a lot
faster that way.

Mmm.

More than a week in Hawaii
will drive you crazy.

- Everybody says aloha.
- BOTH: Aloha.

EDGAR: That's all they ever say.

Aloha this, aloha that.

Hey, it means hello,
it means goodbye.

What else does it mean, honey?

I know it means love.

I think it means
"potholder" too.

Oh, tell them about
our guide, honey.

( CHUCKLING )

Oh, Dan, Dan, you've
gotta hear this.

Roseanne, this is wonderful.

A publisher friend of
ours swears it's a book.

Well, just give us
the cliff notes.

Why don't we order in a pizza?

No, it's time.

Need help out there
in the kitchen, babe?

Oh, that's so sweet of
you to offer, honey,

but you just stay here. Aloha.

Our guide's name was Michael ho.

Of course, his Hawaiian
name is Mika Hila.

Ah, yes.

Mika Hila ho.

Um…

Did you know that
when swordfish cooks,

it shrinks?

Of course, when it's burned
it practically disappears.

Oh, for crying out loud, honey,

let's just eat it burnt.

Burned?

I can have hamburgers
in ten minutes.

Twenty, if you want 'em cooked.

Hamburgers are fine. This'll
be our red meat day.

We could've had
hamburgers an hour ago.

I hate this house.

Tell Becky I need
her to help me.

- She's not up there.
- Where is she?

If she's smart she
went out to dinner.

Quiet, you!

Becky!

Nice going, beck. You
got out of the house.

The hard part's over.

Sorry you can't come in. My
parents have people over.

No prob.

Hey, listen, want to go to
a party tomorrow night?

- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Cool.

- I'll pick you up at seven.
- Seven's great, johnny.

Think it'll be cool
with your parents?

My parents are very cool. They
don't tell me what to do.

Cool.

Becky, get your butt
in the house now!

- Mother?
- Now.

Roseanne conner.

Nice to meet you.

So, how long's Becky
grounded for?

What'd she do?

She forgot to gag Darlene
like I told her.

She snuck out last night
to meet the make-out king.

Chip's the make-out king?

( LAUGHING )

Forget chip. He's old news.

Darlene, why don't you
use your mouth to eat?

Who is the make-out king?

You are, honey.

Johnny Swanko. He's a sophomore.

Well, he kisses like a senior.

I get the feeling I'm
not totally filled in

on everything around here.

Becky's got something
going with another guy.

What kind of "thing"?

I don't know, Dan,

but I caught 'em out by
the garage last night.

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause there's lots of stuff
I don't tell you, honey.

That's the glue that keeps
our little family together.

( MOCKING ) Oh,
johnny, oh, johnny

oh, johnny, oh, johnny.

I want to hear more
about this johnny.

Well, he wears a
black studded belt,

and they call him,
"the tongue bandit."

Darlene, why don't you leave

and come back when
you're about 40?

Okay, great. I'll go
over to johnny's.

Great, we'll go
over to johnny's.

Drop dead.

So I thought chip was
Becky's main squeeze.

Well, I guess when you're 13

you need more than one squeeze.

I just want to say that what
you did to me last night

was totally uncool. And
if I were your mother,

I would never do that to you.

Well, do me a favour
and enlighten me.

- Mother, let's just drop it.
- No, no, no.

I want to know, what's
your definition of cool?

Is that to make a
date with chip,

and then turn around and make
a date the very same night

with johnny angel?

His name is johnny Swanko.

Whatever.

Come on, just
answer my question.

It's none of your business.

It is my business when you start

sneaking out of this
house to meet some guy

that I would consider
leaving your father for.

You know Becky, what you did

is gonna make it
to zit magazine's

ten most vicious teens.

I'm sorry, I was wrong.

Well, are you
dating chip or not?

- Yes, I like chip.
- How would you like it

if chip met some other
girl in his driveway?

Chip can do whatever he wants.
I don't care.

Well, I'll remember that
when you're sitting there

crying your eyes out
'cause chip sat next

to some other girl on the bus.

Becky, why didn't you
tell us all this

before we invited the
Lunts over to dinner?

Because mom had
already invited them.

Plus you guys love
chip, plus if you knew

I was going out with johnny
you would have freaked.

There's no way you'd let
me go out with him.

You got that right. I want
you to get on the phone,

you call "the tongue bandit,"

and tell him you ain't going nowhere
tonight, not even out to the garage.

Hey, it's my life. Why
don't you just butt out?

We're trying to teach you
how to do the right thing.

You guys are real
hypocrites, you know that?

I mean you're always saying
how you're the coolest,

hippest, most with it
parents, but you're not.

You're just like
everyone else's parents.

You're bogus.

Hi, Dan bogus.

Roseanne "hypocrite" bogus.
So nice to meet you.

I've heard so many
good things about you.

Not.

- So.
- So.

Didn't we vow to become

the world's most
hippest parents?

Well, babe, that
was in the '70s.

Our groove was in a
more mellow bag.

We swore that we would
treat our kids differently

than our parents treated us.

- I think we have.
- No.

We made a snap judgement
about this johnny guy,

just exactly like my
parents would have done.

That wasn't no snap judgement.
The guy's a punk.

You didn't even see him.

I trust your judgement.

Well, that's just
the point, Dan.

It's not up to us to judge.

My dad thought you were a punk.

I was!

That's how come I know
this guy's a punk.

Well, like it or not,

we are now the parents
of a teenager,

and we are not the hip parents
we said we were gonna be.

Define hip parents.

( SIGHS ) Okay.

"Sure, honey, johnny
can stay over."

Me and daddy can like,
crash out on the floor.

"You guys can use our bed."

That's the kind of parent
I thought I wanted to be.

Well, we ain't them, baby.

Well, we ain't Robert young
and Jane Wyatt either.

Well, who are we?

Well, we ain't bonnie and Edgar.

Aloha.

( AFFECTED ) Aloha.

Who do we want to be?

Well, I want to be
the kind of parent

you know, that can
trust our kids.

Oh, we want to be
the kind of parents

that can look a kid dressed
like johnny Swanko

and not think that he's only got one
thing on his filthy little mind

and we both got a pretty good
suspicion of what that one thing is.

Yeah, well you were
kind of a punk,

and I was pretty innocent
when we went out

on our first date, remember?

( CHUCKLING )

You sure did.

Becky…

Well, I think we're
doing the right thing.

You know what? I think we're
doing the right thing too.

What now?

Your mother and I have
come to a decision

about the Swanko situation.

Can I go out with him?

Not in a million years.

- Where you going?
- To get the paper.

What's the matter?

Something is about to occur,

that's gonna make you
wish you would've woke up

as a different person,
in a different house,

in a different country,
on a different planet.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Croissants!

It's called ganga.

It's an herb from Tibet.

What region is it from, honey?

The Venesta region...
it's up north.

Well, you can make
everything from ganga.

EDGAR: They make tea from
ganga... and those wafers.

BONNIE: Ganga folis...
they're so delicate.

Mmm, they make bread from ganga.

They even make wine from it.

So, is that where you guys
so all your shopping?

We wish.

So do I.