Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 15 - Nightmare on Oak Street - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

BECKY: Mom, we're
watching shock theatre.

Dad said it's really scary.

Maybe we can turn out the lights

and burn some candles.

You want the neighbours
to find out

we're devil worshippers?

Dad said I could
watch shock theatre.

Oh, he did, did he?



Me and my man are
gonna get shocked.

Over my dead body.

Before the night is over,

we'll be up to our
necks in dead bodies.

( LAUGHS MANIACALLY )

D.J., you don't want to
watch all that scary stuff.

That'll give you nightmares.

No, it won't.

Well, they give me nightmares.

Hey dad, we gonna work
on the boat tomorrow?

You bet. I figure we can
put in a couple of ribs,

and get 'em sanded
down real good.

Gee, I only wish you were as
interested in your homework

as you are in working
on that damn boat.



Hey, I do my homework.

Get off my back!

I got dibs on the couch.

You're not hogging the
whole thing, lard butt.

BECKY: Hey Deej, can
I have the salt?

- Hey, you.
- Who, me?

Yeah. what do you
think you're doing,

letting him stay up late
to watch all this trash?

Honey, this is classic trash.

Besides, I wasn't that much
older than the lad there

when I saw my first shocker.

Yeah, and look what
happened to you.

Knock it off, count.

Besides, I'm gonna be sitting
next to him the whole time.

He's probably gonna fall asleep
before the first commercial.

- What are you worried about?
- I'm worried he's gonna be

sleeping between us for
the next two weeks.

It's starting, dad.
Come on, we need you.

( SINISTER LAUGHTER )

D.J., wake up, it's starting.

ROSEANNE: Now, come on, Dan,

we're missing a chance to give
this family a dose of culture.

Sorry, babe, kids want vampires.

Mob rules.

Instead of watching the
thing that wouldn't die,

on the thing that wouldn't die,

why don't we all do
something together?

We are doing something together.

I wonder what people
did before television.

They made dolls
out of corn cobs,

and stared at fire.

DARLENE: Mom?

What's the matter?

I don't feel so good.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

( SIGHS )

You have a headache?

- No.
- Or a stomach ache?

No.

You worried about making
the mortgage payment?

No.

Come here.

Well, you don't have a fever,

so I guess you're not gonna
perish in the night.

I just can't get back to sleep.

Did you have a nightmare?

Maybe.

Was it in turn-of-
the-century Vienna?

No.

What was it about?

I can't remember.

( SIGHS )

Darlene, don't you think
you're a little old for this?

I don't want to go
back to my room.

Can't I stay here, just
for a little while?

Just until I fall asleep?

( GROANS ) Oh, you don't
want to sleep here, honey.

Trust me.

Daddy doesn't even like
sharing the bed with me.

( GROANING )

Oh, I know. I got a better idea.

Come on, I'll take you
back up to your room.

- Dan?
- Yeah.

Remember how you said
you'd be responsible

for whatever happened tonight?

Uh-huh.

Darlene's up, and she
can't go back to sleep.

( GROANS )

So all you gotta do is take
her back up to her room

and get her a drink of water.

Tuck her in and make sure
she gets back to sleep.

Okay.

All right, honey, come on.
Let's go.

I don't think I can fall asleep.

You want me to tell you the
story about how I met daddy?

That might do it.

Can't I sleep on the couch?

No.Darlene, your nightmare's
not gonna come back.

And even if it does, you
know where to find me.

I'm in the book.

I don't wanna fall asleep.

( SIGHS )

Tell me what you
dreamt about, honey.

You might feel better
if you talk about it.

It was scary.

Dreams are nothing
to be afraid of.

It's just when you're asleep,

there's this part of your brain

that just sits around
telling stories.

You mean like grandpa?

Tell me what you dreamt.

No, forget about it.
I don't want to.

Are you okay, honey?

I guess.

Sure you are.

You just lay here and
close your eyes,

and you'll be asleep in no time.

Mom!

What?

Nothing.

Do you want me to stay
here with you for awhile?

Okay, move over.

Okay, lift up your head here.

Close your eyes.

Give me this damn thing.

Okay.

So it was the spring of 1971.

And I'm coming out of school,

and there's this like
really great-looking guy

standing there, you know.
And he's wearing this

really cool varsity
jacket and everything.

And he's cussing out his
motorcycle, you know,

'cause it wouldn't start.
So I go over there and…

( BREATHING DEEPLY )

Darlene?

Then what happened?

Nothing. Go back to sleep!

BECKY: Do you know
what the absolute

most grossinating part
of the movie was?

No, but I got a feeling
I'm gonna find out.

Definitely when the vampire

threw up after eating the judge.

I'm trying to eat breakfast!

Would you shut up about
the stupid movie?

What is your problem?

Your face.

- What's with her?
- She had a rough night.

Whoo!

Great morning, huh?

Shut up.

I can't wait for aunt Jackie
to get her to do my hair.

- Can I watch?
- Just stay out of the way.

How come you're still
in your nightgown?

- I'm waiting to go to sleep.
- Didn't you sleep last night?

No.

- I slept great.
- I bet you did.

You had that great, big
bed all to yourself.

Where were you?

I was upstairs ghostbusting.

Oh, babe, you should
have woke me up.

Well, why didn't
I think of that?

D.J. Have a nightmare?

I don't know, I was too busy
dealing with Darlene's.

Darlene had a nightmare?

That's what she said,
but it just seems like

something else was going on.

Why does it have to be something else?
Kids have nightmares.

Yeah, and I bet watching
Schlock theatre didn't help.

Hey, I once had a nightmare
for an entire month.

It was the single
most frightening...

god, when I think
of it even now.

I used to have this cup.

And on the side of the cup
was a decal of an airplane.

And every time I started
to take a drink,

the top of the cup
would touch my nose…

And the propellers
would start up,

and the airplane
would get going,

and I swear this is true,
it flew right up my nose.

You're scary.

I know it doesn't
sound like much now,

but you didn't see the
size of the propellers.

Dan, this is no ordinary
airplane-up-the-nose nightmare.

This is Darlene. When
was the last time

she didn't make it
through the night?

And she refused to
go back to sleep.

I was up there all
night with her.

- Hey, big D.
- Hi, dad.

What time's your
basketball game?

- 1:30.
- Great.

We can put in a couple
of hours on the boat.

BECKY: D.J., they're
not in there!

I don't want to work on the
boat today, okay, dad?

- Mom?
- Yeah, honey?

- I...
- BECKY: D.J.!

Hey, baby, I can't fit a rib
without my master carpenter.

Not today, okay, dad?

- Mom?
- What, honey?

Will you tell D.J. To
stop bothering me?

He spilled my makeup
all over the bathroom.

Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

No, mother, now.

I've got to get ready
for my date tonight.

Mom, this is very important.

Oh, honey, I'll be right
back in a minute.

Honey, listen to
your weatherbeaten

old skipper of a father.

Nightmares can
really depress you.

I know, 'cause when I was a kid,

and I shudder even
thinking of this now,

I had a recurring nightmare.

And it happened in
broad daylight.

The most terrifying dreams can
happen during the daytime.

Did you know that?

Because they're so real.
This one was a beaut.

I used to have this little cup...

an airplane flew up his nose.
You don't want to hear it.

I was just trying to
explain to the child

that I know how terrifying
nightmares can be.

Can everybody shut
up about nightmares?

I didn't have a nightmare.

Then why'd you have
trouble going to sleep?

Are you worried about
your basketball game?

No, I wasn't worried about
my basketball game.

Did you screw up in
history again, Darlene?

No, I didn't screw
up in history again.

Then what is the matter?

I got my period, okay?!

( BECKY SHOUTS )

- Hi, sis.
- Hey, Jackie.

Welcome to you wash,
we pay laundromat.

You think the only
reason I come over here

is to do my laundry?

No, I think you come over
for the free coffee too.

- Get outta here!
- Hidden scent.

All right, what
do you guys think

of this outfit to go
rollerskating in?

I think that that
would look great

with your hair swept up.

Yeah. chip loves my
hair like that.

Well, not too up though
'cause I don't want nobody

mistaking you for some
kind of cocktail waitress.

Mom…

So, what's new?

Darlene got her
period last night.

You're kidding. She's only 11.

Well, I was only 11.

Yeah, but you were already
wearing a "D" cup.

Yeah, two of 'em.

JACKIE: So, I guess she's
pretty upset, huh?

Yeah, and I wish she'd
talk to me about it.

Give her some time.

Poor kid's just been
sentenced to 35 years

of monthly inconvenience.

Well, gee, Jackie, I only
hope I can find a way

to impart that enlightened
viewpoint onto my daughter.

You will. Just… tell her

about all these famous
athletic women types

and how they all get
their periods too.

Yeah, why didn't
I think of that?

Well, no matter
what you tell her,

it's gonna be better than
the way mom handled it.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Remember she told us if
we had any questions

to feel free to ask
the school nurse.

Right? ( LAUGHS )

( LAUGHING ) So
what... what about...

she brought pamphlets
home from the red cross.

For two weeks I thought what I
had was a national disaster.

Well, to mom, it was.

When I got mine, she
cried for three days

about how she'd lost
her little baby.

Yeah, well you had it easy, sis.

'Cause I had to break
that woman in.

She was a basket case.

She almost ruined the
whole thing for me.

You were so weird.

It's like you were
looking forward to it.

Yeah, I was finally
doing something

that mom couldn't control.

Besides, it meant I
wasn't gonna get

any more Nancy drew
books for my birthday.

I was just trying to
find a cure for it.

( BOTH LAUGH )

- It's not a disease.
- I know it's not.

But it felt like it.

I thought I couldn't
go swimming anymore,

and I couldn't horse around

with the boys anymore
like I used to.

I bet that's exactly the way
Darlene feels right now.

Yeah, I bet it is too.

I wish there was some
way to tell her,

even if she doesn't
feel like it now,

- this is really something to celebrate.
- Uh-huh.

She's finally becoming a full-fledged
member of the woman race.

And here comes our
newest member.

Hi, aunt Jackie.

Hi, honey.

How you feeling?

God, mom, you have to
tell the whole world?

( DOOR SLAMS )

Jackie, does the phrase
"timing is everything"

ring a bell here?

( SIGHS )

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know you were here.

Hey, wait a minute, honey.

Uh…

Good going.

Thanks, dad.

Wait a second, honey.

Uh…

What are they talking
about in there?

Oh, they're all yakking about
Becky's hair, you know.

Yeah.

So…

- How's it coming?
- All right.

I don't know if she'll ever
float, but she's coming…

Slowly.

Oh, there's my basketball. I
knew I left it somewhere.

Yeah, hey, uh, what
time's your game?

1:30.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You got plenty of time.

- Loads.
- Yeah.

You know you don't have
to play if you don't…

…feel like it.

- I know.
- Oh.

Are you, uh... are
you gonna play?

I don't know.

Oh.

( EXHALES ) Well,
uh, listen, uh…

What?

I think I should say something.

You don't have to.

No, I know I don't
have to but I…

I should say something.

Here.

( PATS SEAT )

( SIGHS )

Grandpa says that you
said lace was on 'em.

Yeah, what?

Basketballs.

Oh, yeah, they did.

Laces on 'em.

Dad, how do I look?

Beautiful.

Guys aren't supposed
to look beautiful!

Damn beautiful.

That's better.

Where was I?

Not sure.

Oh, yeah, I was gonna
say something.

And uh, sometimes…

Saying something, as far as
your father is concerned

isn't the easiest
thing in the world.

- I know.
- Yeah, so…

Basically, what it
boils down to is this:

This is basically what
it boils down to:

What?

Darlene…

( DRAWLING ) Yeah?

I love you.

I love you too, daddy.

Well, uh, here, in case you
decide you want to play.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, uh, hey.

Good going.

Thanks.

( SHUDDERS )

( KNOCKING )

What?

So what'd your
daddy have to say?

You want to know what dad said?

He said, "so…"

"Good going."

My life is over and
he congratulated me.

What are you doing?

Getting rid of all this junk.

Ohh, I get it.

You think you gotta leave
this stuff behind you now.

Like women have to give
up baseball gloves

and start wearing
aprons and stuff.

All I know is I'm
not shaving my legs

and wearing pantyhose
like Becky.

You think I make Becky put
on make-up and wear perfume?

No.

No, she does it 'cause she's
always liked that kind of stuff.

That's the kind of
woman she wants to be.

Well, that's not the kind
of woman I want to be.

Then what are you throwing
all your stuff away for?

These are a girl's
things, Darlene,

as long as a girl uses 'em.

You love all this stuff.

That's reason enough to keep it.

Definitely, and since
you got your period,

you're gonna be
throwing a lot farther.

Oh, god. Why me?

- 'Cause you're lucky.
- Right.

Move.

Now, you...

you get to be part of the
whole cycle of things.

( SCOFFS )

You know, the moon
and the water.

And the seasons.

It's almost magical, Darlene.

And you should be really
proud today, 'cause…

This is the beginning

of a lot of really wonderful
things in your life.

Yeah, cramps.

Well, I'll admit that's one
of the highlights, but…

I'm talking about a part
that's even better than that.

Name one good thing that could
come out of this whole mess.

Okay, I'll name three.

( GIGGLING )

Okay, Becky, D.J.,

and what's that
other kid's name?

You know, that real
kind of bratty one?

- Mom.
- No, it's not mom.

It's, uh… What is it?

Darlene.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Darlene.

Thanks, mom.

Could you go now?

Yeah, one more thing.

Watch out for those mood swings.

Well, bub, I think the cubs

are gonna have trouble
with the mets this year.

I hate the mets.

You and me both.

Gimme a smooch on that one.

So, did chip kiss you goodnight?

( GIGGLES ) Yeah.

Does that mean I can't?

You can have this cheek.

Oh, thanks.

You know you're my favourite
daughter, don't you?

- Night, mom.
- Night.

- Hi.
- Hello.

What's this I hear about a kiss?

Chip's my boyfriend.

He can kiss me.

Where did he kiss you?

Right there.

- Where?
- There.

- Where? Where?
- There.

- Night, princess.
- Night, dad.

I think after a
good night's sleep

I'll feel better in the morning.

I don't know how to
tell you this, honey,

but you ain't gonna feel
better for about 40 years.

Good night. You know you're my
favourite daughter, don't you?

But of course.

Hmm.voila.

Feed me.