Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 14 - Father's Day - full transcript
Dan's father arrives for a visit, and old resentments and hostility are brought into the light. The first of Ned Beatty's appearances as Ed Conner.
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
That's more like it.
Mom, the bathrooms are done,
but nobody can use them will
grandpa gets here tomorrow night.
How about we don't
use them all year
and then we never
have to clean 'em?
- I found a quarter.
- That's mine. I lost it.
Finder's keepers.
Darlene, I found five bucks
under your bed yesterday.
- What?
- Tell her, D.J.
Finder's keepers.
Oh, no,
don't tell me the
maid didn't show up.
Great news, Dan.
My dad's decided not to
come for the weekend?
Right, he's coming
for the whole week.
- You're kidding me.
- Right.
I... I hate you.
Okay, you guys, when I get
back, I wanna see this room
like I left it this
morning, only clean.
I already did my share.
How come I always
have to help them?
- Because you're the oldest.
- BOTH: Ha-ha!
And 'cause I pay you
twice as much allowance.
- BOTH: What?
- Ha-ha.
Hey, what you reading, handsome?
How to fix a cement finisher.
Oh, yeah, I think I
saw that movie, Dan.
Isn't that the one
where the son hides out
in the garage all weekend
fixing the cement finisher
to avoid his father?
Don't tell me how it ends.
There is no end, Dan, 'cause
there's no beginning.
If hiding out's your tactic
this year, it ain't gonna work.
What tactic? I got to finish
the cement finisher, don't I?
Yeah, but you've been
talking about doing that
for the past three months.
Just break down and
buy a new one.
You got any idea how much a
new cement finisher costs?
No, Dan,
I missed this month's copy
of "modern pavement."
What is it about Ed,
the dad, conner,
that drives you nuts?
Haven't you ever heard of a
father and son not getting along?
I hear it all the time.
I'm tired of it.
He's a sweet man.
He's a little overbearing,
but this family's all he has.
And he's gonna spend the whole
weekend telling me how to run it.
Oh, you run this family?
I mean it, rose.
He's gonna walk in here
and he's gonna tell me
I'm wasting my time
as a contractor.
He's gonna say, "work
smart, Danny, not hard."
So why don't you give
yourself a break.
You handle him smart, not hard.
Well, it's easier
than it sounds.
I'm sorry to say it,
but he really gets on my nerves.
Yeah, but these visits
are really important
to your dad, Dan.
I know. I'm being silly.
Well, anyway, he's only
gonna be here 72 hours.
Flies live out their entire
life span in 72 hours.
So maybe he'll get caught
in the screen door
and he'll be here forever.
Hey, lover boy.
I'm ready for him.
I told you I was gonna
make this weekend work.
Bottle of gold
premium, his favourite.
Sodium-free club soda.
And here's the clincher...
barq's gourmet cashews.
( HORN HONKS )
Grandpa!
How come they never run
like that when I come home?
They do, Dan, it's just in
the opposite direction.
Come on. This is gonna
work out great.
- Don't worry.
- That's the spirit, honey.
Remember, he's your
father and he loves you,
and when that fly dies,
he's out of here.
Hon, the house looks great.
Yeah, we should enjoy it now
'cause it won't look like this
again till D.J. Moves out.
Hi, grandpa.
D.J., quit pulling.
Darlene, are you sure
you can handle that?
No problem, grandpa.
What did I tell you kids about
letting strangers in the house?
I am no stranger than
the guy you married.
Rosebud!
The daughter I never had.
Yeah, well, Ed, you
would've died in Labor.
How's it going, dad?
Danny, Danny, Danny.
I didn't drive 320
miles for a handshake.
How about a google?
- Come here!
- Aah! Aah!
See? That's my little boy.
( BOTH LAUGHING )
BOTH: Wah-oh!
How you been, dad?
I've been great, I've been great.
How about you, how's I goin'?
Great, great,
business is terrific.
- You look great.
- I'm feeling great, son.
- Tell, grandpa.
- I got something for you, grandpa.
Well, I have got
something for you, too.
Darlene, do you think you
could get that suitcase open?
Now, listen…
I want you to take very good
care of that, all right?
That is genuine camel's hair.
So it won't need much water.
Here you go, sport.
- Thanks.
- ROSEANNE: Whoa.
Let's see. Darlene. Darlene!
Any Darlene's in this house?
- Right here.
- Oh, there you go.
Wow. an ant farm.
No.it's no farm.
That's a condo.Yeah.
You see, that's an ant condo.
There's a little health club
for them on the top floor.
So they can bulk up
and become roaches.
What about me, grandpa?
What about you, honey?
You know.
Know what?
Grandpa, where's my present?
Oh, no.
I knew I was gonna
forget somebody.
Grandpa.
There's got to be
something here somewhere.
Some one last thing.
I just... oh!
See, that's a diary.
You wear the key
close to your heart
so it won't be read by…
Thanks, grandpa.
Yours is in the mail.
Ed, you know you don't
have to bring us anything.
As soon as you leave,
we take their stuff.
Dad, I got a little
something for you
out in the kitchen.
Son, you don't have to
get anything for me.
Dan, I told you he doesn't
want that cash gift
of over $10,000.
Grandpa, show me how these work.
Okay, here.
You see, you are under arrest.
But… no!
Cool. let my try.
Darlene, I got a feeling
you're gonna have an even
nicer pair of those someday.
I don't know how you two do it.
- How about it, dad?
- Gold premium?
- That's the best there is.
- Yeah, go pretty good with those cashews.
Somebody's living the
high life around here.
Who?
Ed, why don't you just go
ahead and open 'em up.
Sure, Rosie, right away.
Danny, how much you
pay for these?
Whatever it was, I'm
sure it was too much.
You know the deals my dad gets.
When you've got friends,
you never pay retail.
You don't mean to tell me you actually
have friends in the nut business?
Nuts, cookies,
candies, lighters,
pens, tongs.
You never pay full
price for that stuff.
( KNOCKING )
- DARLENE: I got it!
- Take my car.
800 bucks off the list price.
Right, and they also threw
in a digital radio.
- And you know why?
- You're friends with the salesman.
That's right, Danny boy.
CRYSTAL: Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hope I'm not interrupting.
- Crystal, you remember Ed.
- My, my, my.
Take my breath away.
Well, hello, Ed.
There must be something
in the Lanford water
because you get prettier
every time I see you.
And every time I see you,
you have more charm.
He gets it wholesale.
Roseanne, I got an emergency.
My hair dryer's busted.
The darn thing's supposed
to have three settings...
cool, warm, and hot... but all I
could get was cool, hot, and hot.
You got one I could borrow?
Nah.
Geez, I wish I knew somebody
that could get me a good deal
on one of those darn things.
1971.
Hair dryers.
West coast distributorship.
I was this close, Danny.
This close.
Your cubs are looking
good this year.
Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are.
'Course it's still
spring training.
I don't know, they
could be contenders.
Everybody's a contender
in spring training.
"Cement finisher
maintenance manual."
No, that's nothing.
Cement finisher's
acting up again.
Seems to me that thing
is always broken.
Nah, nah.
- How's business, dad?
- Never better.
I'm selling forklifts faster
than they can make 'em.
Good for you, dad.
That's why they stick
me with this punk kid
who couldn't sell a life
preserver to a drowning man.
I told the sales manager,
"if I had my son with me, we could put
this company right through the top."
Pa, I don't need you talking to
no sales manager for me, dad.
We've been over this
a million times.
I ain't no salesman.
Well, yeah, the world
needs handymen, too.
I'm not a handyman, dad.
I'm a contractor.
You could be a salesman. You
could be a damn good one.
- I like what I do.
- I didn't say you didn't.
All I am saying is you got
to work smart, not hard.
Work smart, not hard.
I'm building a business,
and it takes time.
What are you building?
You're a contractor. What do you
work, six months out of the year?
Yeah... we're a little slow
during the wintertime.
That's what I'm talking about.
- I got stuff lined up.
- Lined up?
You have a family. You got to line
something up for this family.
- I take good care of my family.
- I know you do, son.
No, you don't know.
You don't know.
I ain't a salesman. I'm a contractor.
And let's drop it.
Fine.
- Bye-bye, Ed.
- Bye-bye, sugar.
You keep drinking that water.
DARLENE: Grandpa, I can't find
the key for these handcuffs!
They don't need a key.
I'll show you again, but
this is the last time.
What did he do?
He did exactly what I
said he was gonna do.
He's not here five minutes and I'm a
handyman who can't support his family.
- Well, Dan...
- I don't wanna talk about it, Roseanne.
He just better stay the hell
outta my way this whole visit.
I don't care if I
ever see him again.
I guess I really messed things
up this time, huh, Rosie?
Yeah, Ed. It's all
over your shoes.
- Here, ant.
- Come and get it.
What are you guys doing?
Me and D.J.'s trapping ants
for his ant condo.
We put jelly on bread, grandpa.
When the ants come out,
we smash 'em over the
head with a two-by-four.
Same way I caught Dan.
Where is Danny boy?
I thought for sure
he'd be out here.
Well, he went out for
a glass of coolant.
He's really got
some temper, huh?
Only on special occasions.
Where are you going? Somebody's got
to stay in here and catch these ants.
You can.
Gee, thanks.
Got a great kid there.
Yeah, he's great when
he's not rotten.
There's no such thing
as a rotten son, Rosie.
They're too precious.
I don't know about mothers and
sons, but with fathers and sons…
A father looks at his son, and he
sees every mistake he ever made.
He just wants to put him
on some kind of path
where he won't make
those same mistakes.
- But, Ed...
- no, a father and a son…
You see what would've,
what could've, what
should've been.
Ed... Ed, when you're
on the phone,
do you ever use the top half?
Oh, oh, yeah... yeah, I run
off at the mouth sometime,
but so do you.
Yeah, but when I speak,
I'm speaking for
all of womankind.
What does all of womankind
know about fathers and sons?
All I was doing was giving Danny
a little fatherly advice.
But that's the thing
about fatherly advice.
It's a give-and-take
kind of thing.
You can only give it so much
before the kid can't
take it anymore.
- Yeah, but...
- yeah, but...
BOTH: You know...
- you should go talk to him.
- Talk to him, yeah.
The world's still out there?
Hey, Danny,
you remember 1962,
Wrigley field, opening day?
You were there.
Who's on the mound?
The pitcher.
You don't know, do you?
It's a big guy, right-hander. I
really can't think of his name.
Neither can I.
I once had this fight
with this guy,
earl veltoff.
He and I were partners
out in des Moines
for three weeks.
He had the most annoying habit.
He used to suck his teeth.
Cardwell was on the
mound, don Cardwell.
That's the guy.
Yeah, we almost got a foul ball.
- This close. This close.
- Yeah.
We would've had it, too, if you hadn't
been yakking to the people behind us
about the invention
of the forklift.
You know what this
is like, Danny?
This is like ants.
What's like ants? What the
hell are you talking about?
You and me.
When an insect
threatens an anthill,
the ants instinctively protect
those they're related to.
That's nature. That's life.
That's dinner. See ya.
- Hey, Danny.
- What?
I came here to square
things with you.
Why are you making it so tough?
We're square, pop.
Cardwell was knocked
out in the first.
- Who did they bring in?
- Bob Buhl.
1956.
Oh, that was a year.
Pass the potatoes, please.
If something almost happened in
1956, we wouldn't be sitting here.
Do beets stain your teeth?
We were on the road to Memphis.
You were about three years old, Danny...
you remember?
Vividly.
It was raining cats and dogs.
The windshield wipers, they're
working like a charm.
I said to your mother,
"Audrey, I'm gonna revolutionise
the auto mobile industry."
An idea as simple
as a hula hoop,
as practical as a paper clip.
- Who knows what it is?
- Mud flaps?
No.that's pretty good.
But now see, try to think
about the rear of the car.
Ed, the only thing
I can think of
that you do in the
rear of a car,
I know you didn't invent it.
Rear windshield wipers.
Give this young lady
64 silver dollars.
You invented rear
windshield wipers?
Could've, should've, would've.
Boy, I'm telling you.
But your mother, she had
to have a rest stop.
Well, casting no aspersions,
she was eight months
pregnant at the time.
She was a little incontinent.
So we stop, and I lose
my train of thought.
It wasn't until two years later
till I see a pair on the back
end of a Chrysler imperial
I remember I invented 'em.
This close, Danny. This close.
I learned my lesson.
You got to grab your
opportunities when they come by.
Darlene, pass the beets, please.
Well, do they?
- Do they what?
- Stain your teeth.
Teeth, let me tell
you about teeth.
- Dad.
- The most beautiful teeth
I ever saw were on a movie star.
- Esther Williams.
- Dad, we've already heard this story.
I haven't.
Yeah, I'd like to hear it.
Okay, great. Tell it.
You're in San Diego. It's 1951.
Bobby Thompson's home run.
Shot heard 'round the world.
- Let him tell it.
- No, no. No, it's okay.
MGM's making a movie
down in San Diego, see.
- And guess who's down there.
- Esther Williams.
Give the young lady
64 silver dollars.
Well, then what happened?
Ask your father.
You're in the coffee shop.
No.I was in the main dining room.
I turned around...
he's gonna tell it.
He's gonna tell it.
Well, Dan, it's not like we haven't
heard your stories 30 times.
What stories?
Oh, come on, Dan.
How many times have I listened
to the incredible story
about how you were the
first customer ever
at the new supermarket?
I'll tell ya, Dan, if you
don't wanna hear my stories,
you don't have to hear my stories.
As a matter of fact,
you can freeze in hell before you
hear another one of my stories.
- Excuse me.
- Come on, sit down!
Dan, cool it.
I'll take care of it.
I got us into this,
I'll get us out of it.
Ed, you're half right.
You got us into it, and
I'll get us out of it.
Dan…
The statute of limitations
on parental crime
runs out when you're about 30.
So he didn't invent the
rear windshield wiper.
That's not it.
So he never really
met Esther Williams.
It's not the windshield wipers.
It's not Esther Williams.
It's his fork.
What?
He holds his fork
the same way I do.
I hold my fork the
same way he does.
I'm him.
I think you're reading a little
bit too much into silverware.
I'm sitting there at the
kitchen table, honey,
and I'm watching him
and I'm listening,
and it's me, and I hate it.
Well, you know, Dan, if
you didn't know Ed conner
and you just bumped into him,
you'd go have a couple of beers,
and you'd talk about baseball,
and he'd probably
sell you a forklift.
You know what
scares me the most?
When he was 36 years old,
he was right where I am today.
- That's me down the road.
- No, that's him.
Those are his choices.
That's Ed.
Roseanne, I got a
broken-down truck.
I got a broken-down
cement finisher.
I hear myself telling the
same damn stories 12 times.
Well, I'm not saying
you're not boring.
You're just boring
in a different way
than your dad.
It's genetic. It's in the genes.
You see him, you get me.
( SIGHS )
Well, maybe that's
why I like him.
You know, he has that certain
virile conner charm, you know.
Come back in there
with me, come on.
Yeah, we might be
missing a good story.
Allow me to introduce...
making yet another appearance
at our dinner table...
the lovely, the indefatigable
Mr. Dan conner and his
lovely wife Tammi.
Now, where were we?
I asked for the potatoes,
and you hit the road.
Ask him for the carrots
and see what happens.
Carrots.
I hate carrots. You know why?
Tell me.
( GROANING )
Would you stop hogging
all of these blankets?
Blankets?
Let me tell you a little
something about blankets.
I came this close to inventing
the blanket in 1969.
It was right after Woodstock.
And a guy named
Navajo Joe up to me
and he says, "I already
invented the blanket."
- So he took it away from me.
- ( ROSEANNE LAUGHING )
1969, that was a great year, wasn't it?
Woodstock.
Who was on the mound that year?
Fergie Jenkins.
Boy, what a set of chompers he had.
You talk about teeth.
But he went plumb midget on me.
And he went and
sunk all his money
into what you call a
hair dryer stock.
He tried to invent a five-speed,
four-door mix hair dryer,
and he lost all his dough.
Then he couldn't do
nothing about it.
So I ups to him and
I says, "Fergie",
what the heck do you know
about hair dryers anyway?"
He goes, "well, it gets
windy in Chicago."
I said, "Chicago?"
"Yeah, I was almost
in the band Chicago."
I used to mix their
sound tracks for 'em,
"but I couldn't quite
get it, see."
Ahh…
Good night, Ed.
Night.night.
What the hell do you
know about night?
I was almost on the
edge of night one time,
except I got my foot
cut off in Vietnam,
and I couldn't quite
make it to the audition.
And the cabdriver didn't speak
English, so he didn't know...
shut up!
I was shut up in
a cave one time.
The meramac caverns just south of St.
Louis.
It was me and three other guys.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
That's more like it.
Mom, the bathrooms are done,
but nobody can use them will
grandpa gets here tomorrow night.
How about we don't
use them all year
and then we never
have to clean 'em?
- I found a quarter.
- That's mine. I lost it.
Finder's keepers.
Darlene, I found five bucks
under your bed yesterday.
- What?
- Tell her, D.J.
Finder's keepers.
Oh, no,
don't tell me the
maid didn't show up.
Great news, Dan.
My dad's decided not to
come for the weekend?
Right, he's coming
for the whole week.
- You're kidding me.
- Right.
I... I hate you.
Okay, you guys, when I get
back, I wanna see this room
like I left it this
morning, only clean.
I already did my share.
How come I always
have to help them?
- Because you're the oldest.
- BOTH: Ha-ha!
And 'cause I pay you
twice as much allowance.
- BOTH: What?
- Ha-ha.
Hey, what you reading, handsome?
How to fix a cement finisher.
Oh, yeah, I think I
saw that movie, Dan.
Isn't that the one
where the son hides out
in the garage all weekend
fixing the cement finisher
to avoid his father?
Don't tell me how it ends.
There is no end, Dan, 'cause
there's no beginning.
If hiding out's your tactic
this year, it ain't gonna work.
What tactic? I got to finish
the cement finisher, don't I?
Yeah, but you've been
talking about doing that
for the past three months.
Just break down and
buy a new one.
You got any idea how much a
new cement finisher costs?
No, Dan,
I missed this month's copy
of "modern pavement."
What is it about Ed,
the dad, conner,
that drives you nuts?
Haven't you ever heard of a
father and son not getting along?
I hear it all the time.
I'm tired of it.
He's a sweet man.
He's a little overbearing,
but this family's all he has.
And he's gonna spend the whole
weekend telling me how to run it.
Oh, you run this family?
I mean it, rose.
He's gonna walk in here
and he's gonna tell me
I'm wasting my time
as a contractor.
He's gonna say, "work
smart, Danny, not hard."
So why don't you give
yourself a break.
You handle him smart, not hard.
Well, it's easier
than it sounds.
I'm sorry to say it,
but he really gets on my nerves.
Yeah, but these visits
are really important
to your dad, Dan.
I know. I'm being silly.
Well, anyway, he's only
gonna be here 72 hours.
Flies live out their entire
life span in 72 hours.
So maybe he'll get caught
in the screen door
and he'll be here forever.
Hey, lover boy.
I'm ready for him.
I told you I was gonna
make this weekend work.
Bottle of gold
premium, his favourite.
Sodium-free club soda.
And here's the clincher...
barq's gourmet cashews.
( HORN HONKS )
Grandpa!
How come they never run
like that when I come home?
They do, Dan, it's just in
the opposite direction.
Come on. This is gonna
work out great.
- Don't worry.
- That's the spirit, honey.
Remember, he's your
father and he loves you,
and when that fly dies,
he's out of here.
Hon, the house looks great.
Yeah, we should enjoy it now
'cause it won't look like this
again till D.J. Moves out.
Hi, grandpa.
D.J., quit pulling.
Darlene, are you sure
you can handle that?
No problem, grandpa.
What did I tell you kids about
letting strangers in the house?
I am no stranger than
the guy you married.
Rosebud!
The daughter I never had.
Yeah, well, Ed, you
would've died in Labor.
How's it going, dad?
Danny, Danny, Danny.
I didn't drive 320
miles for a handshake.
How about a google?
- Come here!
- Aah! Aah!
See? That's my little boy.
( BOTH LAUGHING )
BOTH: Wah-oh!
How you been, dad?
I've been great, I've been great.
How about you, how's I goin'?
Great, great,
business is terrific.
- You look great.
- I'm feeling great, son.
- Tell, grandpa.
- I got something for you, grandpa.
Well, I have got
something for you, too.
Darlene, do you think you
could get that suitcase open?
Now, listen…
I want you to take very good
care of that, all right?
That is genuine camel's hair.
So it won't need much water.
Here you go, sport.
- Thanks.
- ROSEANNE: Whoa.
Let's see. Darlene. Darlene!
Any Darlene's in this house?
- Right here.
- Oh, there you go.
Wow. an ant farm.
No.it's no farm.
That's a condo.Yeah.
You see, that's an ant condo.
There's a little health club
for them on the top floor.
So they can bulk up
and become roaches.
What about me, grandpa?
What about you, honey?
You know.
Know what?
Grandpa, where's my present?
Oh, no.
I knew I was gonna
forget somebody.
Grandpa.
There's got to be
something here somewhere.
Some one last thing.
I just... oh!
See, that's a diary.
You wear the key
close to your heart
so it won't be read by…
Thanks, grandpa.
Yours is in the mail.
Ed, you know you don't
have to bring us anything.
As soon as you leave,
we take their stuff.
Dad, I got a little
something for you
out in the kitchen.
Son, you don't have to
get anything for me.
Dan, I told you he doesn't
want that cash gift
of over $10,000.
Grandpa, show me how these work.
Okay, here.
You see, you are under arrest.
But… no!
Cool. let my try.
Darlene, I got a feeling
you're gonna have an even
nicer pair of those someday.
I don't know how you two do it.
- How about it, dad?
- Gold premium?
- That's the best there is.
- Yeah, go pretty good with those cashews.
Somebody's living the
high life around here.
Who?
Ed, why don't you just go
ahead and open 'em up.
Sure, Rosie, right away.
Danny, how much you
pay for these?
Whatever it was, I'm
sure it was too much.
You know the deals my dad gets.
When you've got friends,
you never pay retail.
You don't mean to tell me you actually
have friends in the nut business?
Nuts, cookies,
candies, lighters,
pens, tongs.
You never pay full
price for that stuff.
( KNOCKING )
- DARLENE: I got it!
- Take my car.
800 bucks off the list price.
Right, and they also threw
in a digital radio.
- And you know why?
- You're friends with the salesman.
That's right, Danny boy.
CRYSTAL: Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hope I'm not interrupting.
- Crystal, you remember Ed.
- My, my, my.
Take my breath away.
Well, hello, Ed.
There must be something
in the Lanford water
because you get prettier
every time I see you.
And every time I see you,
you have more charm.
He gets it wholesale.
Roseanne, I got an emergency.
My hair dryer's busted.
The darn thing's supposed
to have three settings...
cool, warm, and hot... but all I
could get was cool, hot, and hot.
You got one I could borrow?
Nah.
Geez, I wish I knew somebody
that could get me a good deal
on one of those darn things.
1971.
Hair dryers.
West coast distributorship.
I was this close, Danny.
This close.
Your cubs are looking
good this year.
Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are.
'Course it's still
spring training.
I don't know, they
could be contenders.
Everybody's a contender
in spring training.
"Cement finisher
maintenance manual."
No, that's nothing.
Cement finisher's
acting up again.
Seems to me that thing
is always broken.
Nah, nah.
- How's business, dad?
- Never better.
I'm selling forklifts faster
than they can make 'em.
Good for you, dad.
That's why they stick
me with this punk kid
who couldn't sell a life
preserver to a drowning man.
I told the sales manager,
"if I had my son with me, we could put
this company right through the top."
Pa, I don't need you talking to
no sales manager for me, dad.
We've been over this
a million times.
I ain't no salesman.
Well, yeah, the world
needs handymen, too.
I'm not a handyman, dad.
I'm a contractor.
You could be a salesman. You
could be a damn good one.
- I like what I do.
- I didn't say you didn't.
All I am saying is you got
to work smart, not hard.
Work smart, not hard.
I'm building a business,
and it takes time.
What are you building?
You're a contractor. What do you
work, six months out of the year?
Yeah... we're a little slow
during the wintertime.
That's what I'm talking about.
- I got stuff lined up.
- Lined up?
You have a family. You got to line
something up for this family.
- I take good care of my family.
- I know you do, son.
No, you don't know.
You don't know.
I ain't a salesman. I'm a contractor.
And let's drop it.
Fine.
- Bye-bye, Ed.
- Bye-bye, sugar.
You keep drinking that water.
DARLENE: Grandpa, I can't find
the key for these handcuffs!
They don't need a key.
I'll show you again, but
this is the last time.
What did he do?
He did exactly what I
said he was gonna do.
He's not here five minutes and I'm a
handyman who can't support his family.
- Well, Dan...
- I don't wanna talk about it, Roseanne.
He just better stay the hell
outta my way this whole visit.
I don't care if I
ever see him again.
I guess I really messed things
up this time, huh, Rosie?
Yeah, Ed. It's all
over your shoes.
- Here, ant.
- Come and get it.
What are you guys doing?
Me and D.J.'s trapping ants
for his ant condo.
We put jelly on bread, grandpa.
When the ants come out,
we smash 'em over the
head with a two-by-four.
Same way I caught Dan.
Where is Danny boy?
I thought for sure
he'd be out here.
Well, he went out for
a glass of coolant.
He's really got
some temper, huh?
Only on special occasions.
Where are you going? Somebody's got
to stay in here and catch these ants.
You can.
Gee, thanks.
Got a great kid there.
Yeah, he's great when
he's not rotten.
There's no such thing
as a rotten son, Rosie.
They're too precious.
I don't know about mothers and
sons, but with fathers and sons…
A father looks at his son, and he
sees every mistake he ever made.
He just wants to put him
on some kind of path
where he won't make
those same mistakes.
- But, Ed...
- no, a father and a son…
You see what would've,
what could've, what
should've been.
Ed... Ed, when you're
on the phone,
do you ever use the top half?
Oh, oh, yeah... yeah, I run
off at the mouth sometime,
but so do you.
Yeah, but when I speak,
I'm speaking for
all of womankind.
What does all of womankind
know about fathers and sons?
All I was doing was giving Danny
a little fatherly advice.
But that's the thing
about fatherly advice.
It's a give-and-take
kind of thing.
You can only give it so much
before the kid can't
take it anymore.
- Yeah, but...
- yeah, but...
BOTH: You know...
- you should go talk to him.
- Talk to him, yeah.
The world's still out there?
Hey, Danny,
you remember 1962,
Wrigley field, opening day?
You were there.
Who's on the mound?
The pitcher.
You don't know, do you?
It's a big guy, right-hander. I
really can't think of his name.
Neither can I.
I once had this fight
with this guy,
earl veltoff.
He and I were partners
out in des Moines
for three weeks.
He had the most annoying habit.
He used to suck his teeth.
Cardwell was on the
mound, don Cardwell.
That's the guy.
Yeah, we almost got a foul ball.
- This close. This close.
- Yeah.
We would've had it, too, if you hadn't
been yakking to the people behind us
about the invention
of the forklift.
You know what this
is like, Danny?
This is like ants.
What's like ants? What the
hell are you talking about?
You and me.
When an insect
threatens an anthill,
the ants instinctively protect
those they're related to.
That's nature. That's life.
That's dinner. See ya.
- Hey, Danny.
- What?
I came here to square
things with you.
Why are you making it so tough?
We're square, pop.
Cardwell was knocked
out in the first.
- Who did they bring in?
- Bob Buhl.
1956.
Oh, that was a year.
Pass the potatoes, please.
If something almost happened in
1956, we wouldn't be sitting here.
Do beets stain your teeth?
We were on the road to Memphis.
You were about three years old, Danny...
you remember?
Vividly.
It was raining cats and dogs.
The windshield wipers, they're
working like a charm.
I said to your mother,
"Audrey, I'm gonna revolutionise
the auto mobile industry."
An idea as simple
as a hula hoop,
as practical as a paper clip.
- Who knows what it is?
- Mud flaps?
No.that's pretty good.
But now see, try to think
about the rear of the car.
Ed, the only thing
I can think of
that you do in the
rear of a car,
I know you didn't invent it.
Rear windshield wipers.
Give this young lady
64 silver dollars.
You invented rear
windshield wipers?
Could've, should've, would've.
Boy, I'm telling you.
But your mother, she had
to have a rest stop.
Well, casting no aspersions,
she was eight months
pregnant at the time.
She was a little incontinent.
So we stop, and I lose
my train of thought.
It wasn't until two years later
till I see a pair on the back
end of a Chrysler imperial
I remember I invented 'em.
This close, Danny. This close.
I learned my lesson.
You got to grab your
opportunities when they come by.
Darlene, pass the beets, please.
Well, do they?
- Do they what?
- Stain your teeth.
Teeth, let me tell
you about teeth.
- Dad.
- The most beautiful teeth
I ever saw were on a movie star.
- Esther Williams.
- Dad, we've already heard this story.
I haven't.
Yeah, I'd like to hear it.
Okay, great. Tell it.
You're in San Diego. It's 1951.
Bobby Thompson's home run.
Shot heard 'round the world.
- Let him tell it.
- No, no. No, it's okay.
MGM's making a movie
down in San Diego, see.
- And guess who's down there.
- Esther Williams.
Give the young lady
64 silver dollars.
Well, then what happened?
Ask your father.
You're in the coffee shop.
No.I was in the main dining room.
I turned around...
he's gonna tell it.
He's gonna tell it.
Well, Dan, it's not like we haven't
heard your stories 30 times.
What stories?
Oh, come on, Dan.
How many times have I listened
to the incredible story
about how you were the
first customer ever
at the new supermarket?
I'll tell ya, Dan, if you
don't wanna hear my stories,
you don't have to hear my stories.
As a matter of fact,
you can freeze in hell before you
hear another one of my stories.
- Excuse me.
- Come on, sit down!
Dan, cool it.
I'll take care of it.
I got us into this,
I'll get us out of it.
Ed, you're half right.
You got us into it, and
I'll get us out of it.
Dan…
The statute of limitations
on parental crime
runs out when you're about 30.
So he didn't invent the
rear windshield wiper.
That's not it.
So he never really
met Esther Williams.
It's not the windshield wipers.
It's not Esther Williams.
It's his fork.
What?
He holds his fork
the same way I do.
I hold my fork the
same way he does.
I'm him.
I think you're reading a little
bit too much into silverware.
I'm sitting there at the
kitchen table, honey,
and I'm watching him
and I'm listening,
and it's me, and I hate it.
Well, you know, Dan, if
you didn't know Ed conner
and you just bumped into him,
you'd go have a couple of beers,
and you'd talk about baseball,
and he'd probably
sell you a forklift.
You know what
scares me the most?
When he was 36 years old,
he was right where I am today.
- That's me down the road.
- No, that's him.
Those are his choices.
That's Ed.
Roseanne, I got a
broken-down truck.
I got a broken-down
cement finisher.
I hear myself telling the
same damn stories 12 times.
Well, I'm not saying
you're not boring.
You're just boring
in a different way
than your dad.
It's genetic. It's in the genes.
You see him, you get me.
( SIGHS )
Well, maybe that's
why I like him.
You know, he has that certain
virile conner charm, you know.
Come back in there
with me, come on.
Yeah, we might be
missing a good story.
Allow me to introduce...
making yet another appearance
at our dinner table...
the lovely, the indefatigable
Mr. Dan conner and his
lovely wife Tammi.
Now, where were we?
I asked for the potatoes,
and you hit the road.
Ask him for the carrots
and see what happens.
Carrots.
I hate carrots. You know why?
Tell me.
( GROANING )
Would you stop hogging
all of these blankets?
Blankets?
Let me tell you a little
something about blankets.
I came this close to inventing
the blanket in 1969.
It was right after Woodstock.
And a guy named
Navajo Joe up to me
and he says, "I already
invented the blanket."
- So he took it away from me.
- ( ROSEANNE LAUGHING )
1969, that was a great year, wasn't it?
Woodstock.
Who was on the mound that year?
Fergie Jenkins.
Boy, what a set of chompers he had.
You talk about teeth.
But he went plumb midget on me.
And he went and
sunk all his money
into what you call a
hair dryer stock.
He tried to invent a five-speed,
four-door mix hair dryer,
and he lost all his dough.
Then he couldn't do
nothing about it.
So I ups to him and
I says, "Fergie",
what the heck do you know
about hair dryers anyway?"
He goes, "well, it gets
windy in Chicago."
I said, "Chicago?"
"Yeah, I was almost
in the band Chicago."
I used to mix their
sound tracks for 'em,
"but I couldn't quite
get it, see."
Ahh…
Good night, Ed.
Night.night.
What the hell do you
know about night?
I was almost on the
edge of night one time,
except I got my foot
cut off in Vietnam,
and I couldn't quite
make it to the audition.
And the cabdriver didn't speak
English, so he didn't know...
shut up!
I was shut up in
a cave one time.
The meramac caverns just south of St.
Louis.
It was me and three other guys.