Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - Bridge Over Troubled Sonny - full transcript
Dan and Roseanne contend with a miserable Crystal who can't get over her husband's death years earlier.
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
Crystal, I'm really sorry.
I don't want to talk about it.
I didn't know it
was gonna upset...
- what's going on?
- I gave her a ride to work.
It must have been
a hell of a ride.
What'd you do, steer
with your feet?
No, I drove over the
monument street bridge.
Jackie, you didn't!
- Oh, good goin', sis.
- What was I supposed to do?
If we'd gone the other way, then
we would've been late for work.
How could you even do that?
You know she freaks out
if anybody even
mentions the bridge.
Crystal got some kind of
hang-up with bridges?
Just the monument street bridge.
Yeah, it's killer
during rush hour.
That's not funny, booker.
I'm not trying to be funny.
That's right, he doesn't
know the story.
He hasn't been here that long.
- What story?
- You tell him, sis.
Okay, come here. But you
guys have gotta be good.
I will, I will, I will.
Okay, Crystal's
first husband sonny
was working construction on
the monument street bridge.
And he was pouring
cement one day,
and he slipped.
( SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER )
He fell into one of
the piling molds.
( CHUCKLING )
So you mean that he
fell off the bridge?
Well, kinda. He sort
of fell in the bridge.
Get out of here.
Are you telling me this guy is
still buried in the bridge?
For the past 12 years,
and it's a very sad story.
Jackie, I'm sorry,
I guess I overreacted.
- Are you okay, Crystal?
- I'm fine.
- Jackie, I apologise.
- No, it's all my fault.
No, it's my fault.
Crystal, I drove over
it as fast as I could.
It's okay, it's all
out of my system.
( WHISTLE BLOWING )
Hey, Crystal…
All right, these guys...
they're goofing with me here.
What's the story about
your old man being,
you know, part of the
monument street bridge?
( PHONE RINGS )
I'll get it.
- Hello? Cindy?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You're stretching all
the natural beauty
out of the phone cord.
DAN: Babe?
What time is Crystal
bringing Lonnie over?
Any second.
Hey, if she starts talking
about sonny at all,
hurry up and change the subject.
Why is she thinking
about him again?
Because today, Jackie
drove her over
the you-know-what.
The bridge?
You gotta be kidding me.
When is she gonna get over him?
She probably never will, Dan.
I mean, he was like the only guy
that ever made her happy.
Hell, sonny made a
lot of girls happy.
He did what?
All I'm saying is that old sonny
wasn't exactly
husband of the year.
So, uh… what are you
saying to me, Dan?
You're telling me that…
The only guy Crystal ever loved
was, like, running
around on her?
I cannot tell a lie.
( CHUCKLES ) That scumbucket.
Why didn't you ever
tell me he done that?
Because men don't talk
about stuff like that.
Yeah, they do,
just to other men.
Knock it off, you little twerp!
Mom, Darlene's still
on the telephone.
Hey, don't come in here
ratting on people now.
Dan, he's ratting on people.
Cheese eater.
( SQUEAKING NOISES )
Cindy, we gotta get a
pack of cigarettes.
Hey, get off now. Give
that phone a rest.
Hold on.
What are you picking on me for?
'Cause I can't find Becky.
I gotta go.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Are you finished with that yet?
Oh, jeez, you kids.
Mom, I'm going over
to Cindy's house.
And yes, I'll be back
in time for dinner.
Oh, goody, that brainwashing's
kicking right in.
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
- Yoo-hoo, it's me.
- Hi, come on in, Crystal.
- Hey, Darlene.
- Darlene.
Hey, Crystal. Hey, Lon.
BOTH: Hi, Dan.
His scout troop gave him
everything he needs.
Oh, this'll be a snap.
You happen to be working
with the a-number one
super birdhouse
builder of all time.
The legend continues.
Why don't you and Deej go in
the garage and get set up.
I'll get us some sodies,
and be out in a minute.
LONNIE: Okay.
Lonnie, honey, be sure
to keep your jacket on.
D.J., honey, be sure not
to go near the chainsaw.
Well, Crystal, why don't you
and lonnie stay for dinner.
Oh, no, I couldn't impose.
Come on, you're not imposing,
you're gonna cook.
All right. Okay, bye.
- Hi, Crystal.
- Hi, sugar.
I'll get that.
Crystal, give me a hand
with these vegetables.
Okay, let me wash up.
Don't you think lonnie
gets to looking
more and more like
his daddy every day?
Uh, why don't you dice up
them carrots, Crystal.
How do you want 'em? Sliced,
diced, curled or julienned?
Uh, cut 'em up in little
pieces, would you?
Ever since Jackie gave me a
ride to work this morning,
I just can't get
my mind off sonny.
You really ought to start
driving yourself to work.
CRYSTAL: Sonny was
really one in a million.
Yeah. yeah, he was a
pretty good guy.
He was the best.
I keep wondering how different
my life would have turned
out if he hadn't have died.
I could have been happy
for the rest of my life.
Excuse me.
Come here.
What's that for?
I was just thinking
about how different
my life would have turned out
if you'd have lived.
( GIGGLING )
I feel better now.
I wish there was something
we could do for Crystal.
I know.
She puts herself in
this every six months.
She's still in love with the guy
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
Leave it to me. I'll fix her up.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: The
best thing for an old love
is a new love.
That's beautiful, Dan.
After you read that, did
you eat the cookie?
Ahh.
What do you think you're doing?
What does it look
like, Einstein?
You're gonna die, you know that?
From one cigarette?
Yeah, mom and dad
are gonna kill you.
They're not gonna find out.
They went to the budget sale.
They'll be gone for days.
Don't you even care about
the fact that your lungs
are gonna turn brown
and shrivel up?
Not really.
Oh, my god! Mom
and dad are here!
You're dead.
The smell. How are you
gonna cover up the smell?
That's spray starch, you ditz!
Here, use bug spray.
( COUGHS ) That's enough.
( COUGHS )
It stinks in here.
- What is that smell?
- DARLENE: Bug spray.
Darlene and I just
killed a huge spider.
What'd you do, drown it?
We had to use a whole can.
It was humongous.
Well, thank god we're safe. Now
all we have to worry about
is irreversible
chromosome damage.
There's still bags out there.
Will you two exterminators
go get 'em, please?
DARLENE: We'd love to.
Was I right, or was I right?
Is this a trick question?
Admit it, that was
one great sale.
Do you think 12 furnace filters
is gonna be enough there?
Babe…
Twelve for 12 dollars.
You're never gonna see
prices like these again.
Yeah, and as soon
as my back's turned
you're filling up my cart
with all these tube socks.
Well, I didn't see you
holding back on the cold cream.
- Hey, I need that.
- Eight jars?
Say, give it to me. I
use it to cook, see?
( MUTTERING )
What's in this, lead?
Oh, I got you kids
new leg irons.
( LAUGHS )
- Hey, Dan, look.
- BECKY: Hi, Crystal.
I found a flag for
the birdhouse.
No red-blooded American birdhouse
should be without one.
I'm gonna go out and start
sanding the roof, okay?
Oh, use that number
three sandpaper, okay?
- Okay.
- I gotta get going.
My Saturday's just jam-packed.
Whoa. you're in a good mood.
Yes, I am.
I decided to treat myself
to a manicure and
a wash and set.
Wouldn't perchance
have to do with
the certain new fella I fixed
you up with, would it?
Oh, Dan, now stop your gloating
so I can hear what happened.
What happened?
It was a lovely evening.
He took me to a nice restaurant.
A little Italian place with
the best pasta I ever had.
Oh, now skip the noodles. Let's
get to the tomatoes here.
Well, the same thing happened
that always happens.
I spent the entire evening
comparing him to sonny.
And I said to myself, "I
can't do this anymore."
See, Roseanne, and you said a match
wouldn't make any difference.
Oh, but it did
make a difference.
I decided not to go out
with men at all anymore.
Well, Crystal, don't you think
that's a little bit nuts?
No, what's nuts
is bouncing from one bad
relationship to another.
I don't need any man in my life.
The only thing that
makes me happy
are the memories of sonny.
This is all the man I need.
Crystal, you're wearing
your wedding ring.
Yes, I am. And there's a
practical side to this.
This'll keep men at bay, and
keep sonny close to my heart.
Now, if you excuse me, I'm
gonna go get my 'do done.
Bye-bye.
My god, the man's been
in a bridge for 12 years
and she's wearing his ring.
Yeah, I think she's
gone off the deep end.
We gotta tell her the
truth about sonny.
Yeah, I guess she
really oughta know.
You know, you men are all alike.
Either you're out running around
or you're buried in your work.
( SINGING )
( CONTINUES SINGING )
Jackie, we got any more boxes?
No, we're all out of 'em.
Crystal, you better slow down.
You're making me
and her look bad.
I'll go get some.
- ( RESUMES SINGING )
- Day's almost over.
I thought you would talk
to her about sonny.
- I'm going to.
- When?
Well, I just gotta think
of what to say, you know?
What's there to think about?
You just tell her the truth.
Yeah, I'm gonna go up to her,
somebody that's in a great mood.
"Uh, Crystal, um…
Did you know that your
husband was a skirt junkie?"
Well, you don't have
to be crude about it.
You just... you bring
up the subject,
and then you let Crystal
make that discovery herself.
Yeah, like, "Crystal, you
know that husband of yours?"
The one that's in the bridge?
"How many women besides you
do you think he boinked?"
Here we go.
( SINGING )
Uh, Crystal?
Yes?
I gotta talk to you.
What about?
About sonny.
What about him?
Me and Jackie were just saying
that he was a great
construction worker.
Why, thank you, guys.
- ( RESUMES SINGING )
- You're welcome.
DAN: Hey, babe…
Check this out.
- Pretty neat, huh?
- Wow!
( DAN CHUCKLES )
Oh, where's the jacuzzi?
Right there, next
to the wet bar.
Wow, you guys did a great job.
Don't look at me. Big Lon
here did most of the work.
I just handed him the tools and…
You know what this
needs, lonnie?
What?
You should paint this
little tiny welcome mat
right here by the door.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Dan, can I borrow
some of your paint?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- I'll be back in a minute.
- Yeah.
Just try to keep D.J.
Out of it, okay?
Okay, I'll try.
Bye.
That kid is aces.
He is so cool.
Talk to Crystal yet about sonny?
Um, not yet.
So you didn't do it yet, huh?
Dan, look.
Whose are those?
Well, they're in
Darlene's jeans.
You figure it out.
Well, let's go
find miss Darlene,
tie her little tail in a knot,
and ground her for six months.
No, no, no.
Just follow my lead.
Get some matches.
( CALLING ) Hey, Darlene,
come down here a minute.
What did I do now?
Nothing. I just found
these in your jeans.
I thought you might
want 'em back.
You're gonna kill
me, aren't you?
No.your father and I
just want you to know
you don't have to
sneak around anymore.
Yeah, honey. This
is your house too.
You're welcome to smoke.
Yeah, right, and get
my face bashed in.
No, we mean it.
Why don't you go ahead and
light one up right now.
Go on, take one.
Here…
Let me light it for you.
Is this gonna explode
or something?
It's gonna explode.
We wouldn't blow you up.
We'd never get you out
of the furniture.
Oh, look!
She's such an adult, honey.
Aren't you proud?
Proud doesn't say it.
So, how come you're
letting me smoke?
Because we love you.
Right, honey?
That's right.
And Dan, you know
what the best part
- of her smoking's gonna be?
- What's that, dear?
When her teeth start
turning all yellow.
Ooh, ooh! I can hardly wait.
Oh, you know what I'm
waiting for though?
What's that, darlin'?
- Emphysema.
- ( ROSEANNE GASPS )
Ooh, how cool!
Ooh! well, we might have one
problem with this though.
Problem?
Yeah, that darn iron lung,
getting it through
the door there.
We'll keep her in the garage.
I know what you guys
are trying to do.
- You're trying to scare me.
- Pretty much.
You're going to keep ragging
on me till I quit smoking.
Pretty much.
Okay.
Mother, father, you're right.
I was a fool. I'll
never smoke again.
Good, now get out of here
before I crush your skull.
- ( GROWLING )
- ( KNOCK AT DOOR )
Yoo-hoo, it's me.
- Hey, Crystal.
- ROSEANNE: Hey.
Hi.is lonnie about ready to go?
Almost. he's out finishing
his birdhouse.
Crystal, me and Dan
want to talk to you.
Come and sit down
here for a minute.
Well, good, 'cause I
want to talk to you too.
I was going through a
box of sonny's clothes,
and I found this
photograph from that time
we took that trip to
Merrimac caverns, remember?
Yeah, we stopped off
outside of Belleville
and had a picnic.
And we bought those
purple sno-cones.
Oh, and we ate 'em in the car,
and they made such a
mess and we had to…
Crystal, you okay?
Well…
Ever since Jackie drove
me over the bridge,
I've been thinking about how
things with me and sonny
weren't as perfect as
everybody thought.
In fact, they weren't
perfect at all.
Hell, honey, that's
not your fault.
CRYSTAL: But it is.
I never told anybody this, but…
I had an affair while I
was married to sonny.
I feel so guilty.
I been carrying this
around for years,
and no matter what I do,
I just can't seem to let it go.
Well, Crystal, you can't
beat yourself up about it.
I cheated on him.
Well, you gotta get over
this guilt stuff, Crystal.
And you gotta get over sonny.
You gotta go on with your life.
That's what I'd like to do.
Well, then, that's
what you gotta do.
CRYSTAL: Well, I don't
know if I can do this.
Crystal, now you
want to talk to him.
Go ahead, talk to him.
You spent the last 12
years feeling guilty.
Yeah, you want to spend
the next 12 that way?
No.
Well, then talk to
him, Crystal, go on.
- Which one's he in?
- Uh, I think it's this one.
Well, maybe it's that one.
Crystal, I don't think it makes
any difference which one he's in.
Just pick one and start talking.
I feel kind of stupid.
Just talk to him, Crystal.
Tell him that.
Tell him anything.
Yeah, I'll get you started.
( SHOUTING ) Sonny…
It's me, Dan.
Uh, Crystal... I can't do this.
He's your husband. I
think you oughta…
Go on.
Hi, honey.
Everything's fine.
I'm still working at
the plastics factory.
You should see lonnie.
He's eleven now.
He's got your dark hair
and he's so handsome.
Every time I look
at him, I see you.
I miss you so much.
There's not a day goes by
that I don't think about you.
Sonny, there's something
I gotta tell you.
I can't live with
the guilt anymore.
While we were married,
I had an affair.
It was only one time.
I don't know why I
did it, but damn it,
I was so angry at you for
running around on me.
I knew about that waitress.
And them other women too.
It really hurt me because
you're the only
man I ever loved.
And I still do.
But I got my own life to live.
So, I gotta let you go now.
Well…
I'm gonna get back in the truck,
'cause it's really
cold out here.
Bye, sonny.
I love you.
( DAN GROWLING )
( CONTINUES TO GROWL )
I caught my death of
cold at that bridge.
Oh, doggone it,
and I didn't keep up on your
life insurance premiums.
That's okay, dear, I
left everything to you.
Oh, boy, I'm all set then.
Twelve furnace filters and
18 pairs of tube socks.
Seventeen pairs. I want
to be buried in one.
You got it.
Baby…
If I kick off,
will you keep all my stuff?
I am all your stuff.
You my best stuff.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
Crystal, I'm really sorry.
I don't want to talk about it.
I didn't know it
was gonna upset...
- what's going on?
- I gave her a ride to work.
It must have been
a hell of a ride.
What'd you do, steer
with your feet?
No, I drove over the
monument street bridge.
Jackie, you didn't!
- Oh, good goin', sis.
- What was I supposed to do?
If we'd gone the other way, then
we would've been late for work.
How could you even do that?
You know she freaks out
if anybody even
mentions the bridge.
Crystal got some kind of
hang-up with bridges?
Just the monument street bridge.
Yeah, it's killer
during rush hour.
That's not funny, booker.
I'm not trying to be funny.
That's right, he doesn't
know the story.
He hasn't been here that long.
- What story?
- You tell him, sis.
Okay, come here. But you
guys have gotta be good.
I will, I will, I will.
Okay, Crystal's
first husband sonny
was working construction on
the monument street bridge.
And he was pouring
cement one day,
and he slipped.
( SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER )
He fell into one of
the piling molds.
( CHUCKLING )
So you mean that he
fell off the bridge?
Well, kinda. He sort
of fell in the bridge.
Get out of here.
Are you telling me this guy is
still buried in the bridge?
For the past 12 years,
and it's a very sad story.
Jackie, I'm sorry,
I guess I overreacted.
- Are you okay, Crystal?
- I'm fine.
- Jackie, I apologise.
- No, it's all my fault.
No, it's my fault.
Crystal, I drove over
it as fast as I could.
It's okay, it's all
out of my system.
( WHISTLE BLOWING )
Hey, Crystal…
All right, these guys...
they're goofing with me here.
What's the story about
your old man being,
you know, part of the
monument street bridge?
( PHONE RINGS )
I'll get it.
- Hello? Cindy?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You're stretching all
the natural beauty
out of the phone cord.
DAN: Babe?
What time is Crystal
bringing Lonnie over?
Any second.
Hey, if she starts talking
about sonny at all,
hurry up and change the subject.
Why is she thinking
about him again?
Because today, Jackie
drove her over
the you-know-what.
The bridge?
You gotta be kidding me.
When is she gonna get over him?
She probably never will, Dan.
I mean, he was like the only guy
that ever made her happy.
Hell, sonny made a
lot of girls happy.
He did what?
All I'm saying is that old sonny
wasn't exactly
husband of the year.
So, uh… what are you
saying to me, Dan?
You're telling me that…
The only guy Crystal ever loved
was, like, running
around on her?
I cannot tell a lie.
( CHUCKLES ) That scumbucket.
Why didn't you ever
tell me he done that?
Because men don't talk
about stuff like that.
Yeah, they do,
just to other men.
Knock it off, you little twerp!
Mom, Darlene's still
on the telephone.
Hey, don't come in here
ratting on people now.
Dan, he's ratting on people.
Cheese eater.
( SQUEAKING NOISES )
Cindy, we gotta get a
pack of cigarettes.
Hey, get off now. Give
that phone a rest.
Hold on.
What are you picking on me for?
'Cause I can't find Becky.
I gotta go.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Are you finished with that yet?
Oh, jeez, you kids.
Mom, I'm going over
to Cindy's house.
And yes, I'll be back
in time for dinner.
Oh, goody, that brainwashing's
kicking right in.
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
- Yoo-hoo, it's me.
- Hi, come on in, Crystal.
- Hey, Darlene.
- Darlene.
Hey, Crystal. Hey, Lon.
BOTH: Hi, Dan.
His scout troop gave him
everything he needs.
Oh, this'll be a snap.
You happen to be working
with the a-number one
super birdhouse
builder of all time.
The legend continues.
Why don't you and Deej go in
the garage and get set up.
I'll get us some sodies,
and be out in a minute.
LONNIE: Okay.
Lonnie, honey, be sure
to keep your jacket on.
D.J., honey, be sure not
to go near the chainsaw.
Well, Crystal, why don't you
and lonnie stay for dinner.
Oh, no, I couldn't impose.
Come on, you're not imposing,
you're gonna cook.
All right. Okay, bye.
- Hi, Crystal.
- Hi, sugar.
I'll get that.
Crystal, give me a hand
with these vegetables.
Okay, let me wash up.
Don't you think lonnie
gets to looking
more and more like
his daddy every day?
Uh, why don't you dice up
them carrots, Crystal.
How do you want 'em? Sliced,
diced, curled or julienned?
Uh, cut 'em up in little
pieces, would you?
Ever since Jackie gave me a
ride to work this morning,
I just can't get
my mind off sonny.
You really ought to start
driving yourself to work.
CRYSTAL: Sonny was
really one in a million.
Yeah. yeah, he was a
pretty good guy.
He was the best.
I keep wondering how different
my life would have turned
out if he hadn't have died.
I could have been happy
for the rest of my life.
Excuse me.
Come here.
What's that for?
I was just thinking
about how different
my life would have turned out
if you'd have lived.
( GIGGLING )
I feel better now.
I wish there was something
we could do for Crystal.
I know.
She puts herself in
this every six months.
She's still in love with the guy
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
Leave it to me. I'll fix her up.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: The
best thing for an old love
is a new love.
That's beautiful, Dan.
After you read that, did
you eat the cookie?
Ahh.
What do you think you're doing?
What does it look
like, Einstein?
You're gonna die, you know that?
From one cigarette?
Yeah, mom and dad
are gonna kill you.
They're not gonna find out.
They went to the budget sale.
They'll be gone for days.
Don't you even care about
the fact that your lungs
are gonna turn brown
and shrivel up?
Not really.
Oh, my god! Mom
and dad are here!
You're dead.
The smell. How are you
gonna cover up the smell?
That's spray starch, you ditz!
Here, use bug spray.
( COUGHS ) That's enough.
( COUGHS )
It stinks in here.
- What is that smell?
- DARLENE: Bug spray.
Darlene and I just
killed a huge spider.
What'd you do, drown it?
We had to use a whole can.
It was humongous.
Well, thank god we're safe. Now
all we have to worry about
is irreversible
chromosome damage.
There's still bags out there.
Will you two exterminators
go get 'em, please?
DARLENE: We'd love to.
Was I right, or was I right?
Is this a trick question?
Admit it, that was
one great sale.
Do you think 12 furnace filters
is gonna be enough there?
Babe…
Twelve for 12 dollars.
You're never gonna see
prices like these again.
Yeah, and as soon
as my back's turned
you're filling up my cart
with all these tube socks.
Well, I didn't see you
holding back on the cold cream.
- Hey, I need that.
- Eight jars?
Say, give it to me. I
use it to cook, see?
( MUTTERING )
What's in this, lead?
Oh, I got you kids
new leg irons.
( LAUGHS )
- Hey, Dan, look.
- BECKY: Hi, Crystal.
I found a flag for
the birdhouse.
No red-blooded American birdhouse
should be without one.
I'm gonna go out and start
sanding the roof, okay?
Oh, use that number
three sandpaper, okay?
- Okay.
- I gotta get going.
My Saturday's just jam-packed.
Whoa. you're in a good mood.
Yes, I am.
I decided to treat myself
to a manicure and
a wash and set.
Wouldn't perchance
have to do with
the certain new fella I fixed
you up with, would it?
Oh, Dan, now stop your gloating
so I can hear what happened.
What happened?
It was a lovely evening.
He took me to a nice restaurant.
A little Italian place with
the best pasta I ever had.
Oh, now skip the noodles. Let's
get to the tomatoes here.
Well, the same thing happened
that always happens.
I spent the entire evening
comparing him to sonny.
And I said to myself, "I
can't do this anymore."
See, Roseanne, and you said a match
wouldn't make any difference.
Oh, but it did
make a difference.
I decided not to go out
with men at all anymore.
Well, Crystal, don't you think
that's a little bit nuts?
No, what's nuts
is bouncing from one bad
relationship to another.
I don't need any man in my life.
The only thing that
makes me happy
are the memories of sonny.
This is all the man I need.
Crystal, you're wearing
your wedding ring.
Yes, I am. And there's a
practical side to this.
This'll keep men at bay, and
keep sonny close to my heart.
Now, if you excuse me, I'm
gonna go get my 'do done.
Bye-bye.
My god, the man's been
in a bridge for 12 years
and she's wearing his ring.
Yeah, I think she's
gone off the deep end.
We gotta tell her the
truth about sonny.
Yeah, I guess she
really oughta know.
You know, you men are all alike.
Either you're out running around
or you're buried in your work.
( SINGING )
( CONTINUES SINGING )
Jackie, we got any more boxes?
No, we're all out of 'em.
Crystal, you better slow down.
You're making me
and her look bad.
I'll go get some.
- ( RESUMES SINGING )
- Day's almost over.
I thought you would talk
to her about sonny.
- I'm going to.
- When?
Well, I just gotta think
of what to say, you know?
What's there to think about?
You just tell her the truth.
Yeah, I'm gonna go up to her,
somebody that's in a great mood.
"Uh, Crystal, um…
Did you know that your
husband was a skirt junkie?"
Well, you don't have
to be crude about it.
You just... you bring
up the subject,
and then you let Crystal
make that discovery herself.
Yeah, like, "Crystal, you
know that husband of yours?"
The one that's in the bridge?
"How many women besides you
do you think he boinked?"
Here we go.
( SINGING )
Uh, Crystal?
Yes?
I gotta talk to you.
What about?
About sonny.
What about him?
Me and Jackie were just saying
that he was a great
construction worker.
Why, thank you, guys.
- ( RESUMES SINGING )
- You're welcome.
DAN: Hey, babe…
Check this out.
- Pretty neat, huh?
- Wow!
( DAN CHUCKLES )
Oh, where's the jacuzzi?
Right there, next
to the wet bar.
Wow, you guys did a great job.
Don't look at me. Big Lon
here did most of the work.
I just handed him the tools and…
You know what this
needs, lonnie?
What?
You should paint this
little tiny welcome mat
right here by the door.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Dan, can I borrow
some of your paint?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- I'll be back in a minute.
- Yeah.
Just try to keep D.J.
Out of it, okay?
Okay, I'll try.
Bye.
That kid is aces.
He is so cool.
Talk to Crystal yet about sonny?
Um, not yet.
So you didn't do it yet, huh?
Dan, look.
Whose are those?
Well, they're in
Darlene's jeans.
You figure it out.
Well, let's go
find miss Darlene,
tie her little tail in a knot,
and ground her for six months.
No, no, no.
Just follow my lead.
Get some matches.
( CALLING ) Hey, Darlene,
come down here a minute.
What did I do now?
Nothing. I just found
these in your jeans.
I thought you might
want 'em back.
You're gonna kill
me, aren't you?
No.your father and I
just want you to know
you don't have to
sneak around anymore.
Yeah, honey. This
is your house too.
You're welcome to smoke.
Yeah, right, and get
my face bashed in.
No, we mean it.
Why don't you go ahead and
light one up right now.
Go on, take one.
Here…
Let me light it for you.
Is this gonna explode
or something?
It's gonna explode.
We wouldn't blow you up.
We'd never get you out
of the furniture.
Oh, look!
She's such an adult, honey.
Aren't you proud?
Proud doesn't say it.
So, how come you're
letting me smoke?
Because we love you.
Right, honey?
That's right.
And Dan, you know
what the best part
- of her smoking's gonna be?
- What's that, dear?
When her teeth start
turning all yellow.
Ooh, ooh! I can hardly wait.
Oh, you know what I'm
waiting for though?
What's that, darlin'?
- Emphysema.
- ( ROSEANNE GASPS )
Ooh, how cool!
Ooh! well, we might have one
problem with this though.
Problem?
Yeah, that darn iron lung,
getting it through
the door there.
We'll keep her in the garage.
I know what you guys
are trying to do.
- You're trying to scare me.
- Pretty much.
You're going to keep ragging
on me till I quit smoking.
Pretty much.
Okay.
Mother, father, you're right.
I was a fool. I'll
never smoke again.
Good, now get out of here
before I crush your skull.
- ( GROWLING )
- ( KNOCK AT DOOR )
Yoo-hoo, it's me.
- Hey, Crystal.
- ROSEANNE: Hey.
Hi.is lonnie about ready to go?
Almost. he's out finishing
his birdhouse.
Crystal, me and Dan
want to talk to you.
Come and sit down
here for a minute.
Well, good, 'cause I
want to talk to you too.
I was going through a
box of sonny's clothes,
and I found this
photograph from that time
we took that trip to
Merrimac caverns, remember?
Yeah, we stopped off
outside of Belleville
and had a picnic.
And we bought those
purple sno-cones.
Oh, and we ate 'em in the car,
and they made such a
mess and we had to…
Crystal, you okay?
Well…
Ever since Jackie drove
me over the bridge,
I've been thinking about how
things with me and sonny
weren't as perfect as
everybody thought.
In fact, they weren't
perfect at all.
Hell, honey, that's
not your fault.
CRYSTAL: But it is.
I never told anybody this, but…
I had an affair while I
was married to sonny.
I feel so guilty.
I been carrying this
around for years,
and no matter what I do,
I just can't seem to let it go.
Well, Crystal, you can't
beat yourself up about it.
I cheated on him.
Well, you gotta get over
this guilt stuff, Crystal.
And you gotta get over sonny.
You gotta go on with your life.
That's what I'd like to do.
Well, then, that's
what you gotta do.
CRYSTAL: Well, I don't
know if I can do this.
Crystal, now you
want to talk to him.
Go ahead, talk to him.
You spent the last 12
years feeling guilty.
Yeah, you want to spend
the next 12 that way?
No.
Well, then talk to
him, Crystal, go on.
- Which one's he in?
- Uh, I think it's this one.
Well, maybe it's that one.
Crystal, I don't think it makes
any difference which one he's in.
Just pick one and start talking.
I feel kind of stupid.
Just talk to him, Crystal.
Tell him that.
Tell him anything.
Yeah, I'll get you started.
( SHOUTING ) Sonny…
It's me, Dan.
Uh, Crystal... I can't do this.
He's your husband. I
think you oughta…
Go on.
Hi, honey.
Everything's fine.
I'm still working at
the plastics factory.
You should see lonnie.
He's eleven now.
He's got your dark hair
and he's so handsome.
Every time I look
at him, I see you.
I miss you so much.
There's not a day goes by
that I don't think about you.
Sonny, there's something
I gotta tell you.
I can't live with
the guilt anymore.
While we were married,
I had an affair.
It was only one time.
I don't know why I
did it, but damn it,
I was so angry at you for
running around on me.
I knew about that waitress.
And them other women too.
It really hurt me because
you're the only
man I ever loved.
And I still do.
But I got my own life to live.
So, I gotta let you go now.
Well…
I'm gonna get back in the truck,
'cause it's really
cold out here.
Bye, sonny.
I love you.
( DAN GROWLING )
( CONTINUES TO GROWL )
I caught my death of
cold at that bridge.
Oh, doggone it,
and I didn't keep up on your
life insurance premiums.
That's okay, dear, I
left everything to you.
Oh, boy, I'm all set then.
Twelve furnace filters and
18 pairs of tube socks.
Seventeen pairs. I want
to be buried in one.
You got it.
Baby…
If I kick off,
will you keep all my stuff?
I am all your stuff.
You my best stuff.