Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Monday Thru Friday Show - full transcript

Darlene is discovering that her job delivering newspapers is not the easy way to make money she thought it would be. Roseanne and Dan each try to plan a second honeymoon, and disagree on ...

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

TV ANNOUNCER: The arena's
filled to capacity tonight…

Dad, who's this?

The game of the year.

The real handsome guy there?

That's me.

No, really.

Afraid so, pal.

That was taken the day your
mom and me got married.



You look young.

Well, we got married when
we were about your age.

Dad, you said the
baseball game was on.

It is, this is the
pre-game show.

My god, you got the
pre-game show,

the post-game show, the half-time
show, and highlights at 11.

You don't even need the game.

Man cannot live by
highlights alone.

( ROCK MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY )

Becky!

Baby, will you go up there and
tell her to turn that down?

What's the matter,
your leg's busted?

Actually, it's just a
hairline fracture.

I'll be sitting for
most of the game.



Becky!

Rock and roll!

That does it.

Conner's up. He's moving
across the sideline,

he breaks into a run.

And he loses the ball to lightning fast
Roseanne that comes out of nowhere.

( LAUGHS )

I'm dead.

( SOBBING PLAYFULLY )

Dan, she's dead.

Well, the guest always
stays for a hot meal

I always say, and
I don't know why.

But anyway, your
dinner's in the oven.

Thanks. Boy, this
job is gruelling.

Hey, you're the one that
wanted to strike it rich

in the newspaper game.

( MUSIC CONTINUES )

Becky! god.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

I got it!

What is it?

Would you please turn that down.

- I'm trying to watch a game.
- I'm trying to learn biology.

Well, all you need to
know about biology

is that the head bone's
connected to the neck bone,

and the neck bone's
gonna be broken

unless you get up there
and turn that down.

Who was it?

Oh, it was Mrs. Clyde.

She claims she never
got her newspaper.

That's the second time

she's claimed that
this week, Darlene.

- You better get over there.
- I can't.I'm all out.

Well, here. Take this
one of me and dad's.

I ain't done with that yet.

Well, your daughter's
in career crisis here.

Hop to it.

I need some time off.

Oh-ho-ho, you need
some time off.

I need a vacation.

You need a vacation.

I haven't had one day off
since the day I married you.

- Sure you have.
- Oh, I have not.

- What about our honeymoon?
- What honeymoon?

Eighteen hours on your
cousin's houseboat

does not a honeymoon make.

I happen to recall that that
was a veritable lovefest.

Oh, come on, we never had a real
honeymoon, and you know it.

It's the one missing piece

in an otherwise picture
perfect romance.

Roseanne, are you saying
that you want a honeymoon?

No, I'm saying I wanna
be tarred and feathered.

Come on, babe.

We got two jobs and three kids.
We ain't got the time.

Well, we could make time.

I bet each of us could get
a week off next month.

You're really serious
about this, ain't you?

No, I just brought it up
to complicate your life.

All right…

Nothing complicated about that.

- We'll go on a honeymoon.
- Where are we gonna go?

( SIGHS )

Well, I'll call my cousin and
see if his houseboat's free.

I wanna go some place romantic.

Are you saying I can't
pick something romantic?

Yeah. You are not
romantic at all.

I am a hopeless romantic.

Well, you're hopeless.

I am the king of romance.

That's because you learned
it from the queen.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Are you saying that you're
more romantic than I am?

I most "soitenly" am.

All right, your royal
highness, I'll tell you what.

You pick a honeymoon spot,
I'll pick a honeymoon spot,

then we'll see which
one's the most romantic.

You're on, beef boy.

Hey, Rosie,

what if we both wind up
picking the same thing?

It'll mean we're actually
meant for each other.

No, it won't mean that.

You know what would be my
idea of a perfect honeymoon?

Mel Gibson and a
stick of butter.

( LAUGHING )

I'm serious.

No, it'd be an entire
month on a Greek island

in a quaint little house
up in the mountains

but not too far away
from the beach.

Ah, that sounds real good.

The only thing that's
missing is your husband.

That's why it's the
perfect honeymoon.

Oh, I get it.

Hey, Darlene, you're late.

I know. I got hung up at school.

Two people already's been calling
looking for their newspapers.

Damn.

Well, there's no need to
cuss, for hell's sake.

Bring it out. I'll
help you fold them up.

Thanks.here. I'll fold the rest.

All right. Sis, make
yourself useful, huh?

So, you gonna watch our kids

when me and Dan goes
on our honeymoon?

Sure, but you're not
gonna go anywhere.

So now you're reading
the future, right?

Now you got E.S.P.

Every time you and Dan plan
a trip, something happens.

And you know why that is?

Oh, enlighten me, swami nanda.

Because you don't
really wanna go,

because you think that nobody
can survive without you.

Well, they can't.

Because you think you're the
centre of the universe.

Well, things do
revolve around me.

- Hi, aunt Jackie.
- Hi, kiddo.

- Hey, how was school?
- All right, except for biology.

Mr. Hodges is making us
dissect a frog in lab.

- I remember when we had to do that.
- Yeah, me, too.

I'm in class with this big guy.

He's on the football team.

I cut into my frog,

he goes down like
a ton of bricks.

You know, cold faint,
cuts up his chin.

Really?

Ask your dad to
show you his scar.

Well, you guys may have done it,

but I think it's morally wrong to
hack up poor, defenceless animals.

The frog's already dead by the time
you're hacking on it, ain't it?

But if I didn't have to dissect it,
they wouldn't have to kill it.

If you don't wanna
do it, don't do it.

But then I'll flunk lab and bring
my "a" average down to a "C."

Becky, if you feel strongly about
something, you shouldn't do it.

You won't get mad
if I get a "C"?

The only time I'd
ever get mad at you

is if you're doing something
that you know is not right.

Thanks.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

I got it.

If that's one of my customers,
tell 'em I'm already gone.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mrs. Clyde.

She'll probably gonna call
my boss and complain.

Your paper should be
there any minute.

Okay, bye.

Darlene, you better move.
She sounded angry.

I'm moving, I'm moving.

Becky, go wash up
for dinner now.

- Oh, what are we having?
- Frog legs.

You're so demented.

- Hey, baby, I'm home.
- Hey, me, too.

- Hey, Jackie.
- Hey.

- You gonna stay for dinner?
- Are you serious?

- We'd love to have you.
- What's the matter with him?

Can't a guy have a good
day once in a while?

Well, not that good.

What are you smiling
at, hot stuff?

Well… wait a minute.

What's this in my pocket?

It could be. It might be.

It is. Holy cow.
It's a honeymoon.

Why, yes, it's paradise.

Another guy

who thinks he's got
paradise in his jeans.

( LAUGHING )

Yeah, paradise lost.

Ahh.

Cackle, cackle, hens.

Baby, this place
is perfect for us.

It's romantic, it's secluded,

and it's 400 miles from anybody who's
ever seen us in our bathrobes.

Oh!

Look at this.

The Lamont cabins,

boulder lake,

Rhinelander, Wisconsin.

You're gonna take her camping?

DAN: Camping?

We're talking luxury here.

These cabins got everything.

Electricity, hot
water, full kitchen.

Well, full kitchen.

Gee, sis, that's just the getaway
you've been looking for.

We'll be dining at the lodge.

Well, maybe if we're lucky,

we can get a table
under the antlers.

For your information,
I talked to a guy

down at the lumber yard
who went to this place.

Said he had the
time of his life.

Did he say what kind
of time his wife had?

He ain't married… went there
with a bunch of buddies of his.

Geez, now, I don't have

the intense lumber yard
connections that you got,

but I did manage to put
together a honeymoon

in, uh, the grand duchess hotel

in Sarasota, Florida.

"Grand duchess resort
hotel, Sarasota, Florida."

A-tha.

It's the perfect honeymoon spot.

It's warm and it's sunny.

And not romantic.

What are you talking about?

Walking hand in hand on a beach.
That ain't romantic?

Yeah, dodging seagulls

and 10,000 sunburned tourists.

Honestly, Jackie, I ask you.
Is that romantic?

Well, coffee shop's
open until 9:00.

Ooh!

Well, now, whose
side are you on?

I'm on your side. And
I'm on your side.

Just… just pick. Go anywhere.

Well, I'm not going there.

There's not nothing for me
to do in a place like that.

What are you, nuts?

There's plenty of stuff
for you to do there.

There's stuff for you to do.

There's hunting,
fishing, tracking moose.

What am I supposed to do,
forage for nuts and berries?

Can I make a suggestion?

BOTH: No.

Honey, I'm just not
gonna feel comfortable

at some place with palm trees

and marble floors.

Well, do you think
I'm gonna have fun

at some place famous
for lightning bugs?

There's only one way to settle
it… separate honeymoons.

- No.
- Hmm.

All right, I'll settle it.

Call it in the air.
Heads or tails.

Florida.

Hey, get your grubby paw out
of that cereal box, would ya?

I'm looking for the toy.

Well, I already took
it out of there, see.

If you're real nice, maybe
I'll let you play with it.

- I'll be nice.
- Liar, liar, pants on fire.

You know, Dan, it's not too late

for you to change your mind

and come with me to the
remarkable sunshine state.

But, honey, there won't be
no sunshine in Florida.

I won't be there.

Oh, I guess then I'll just be
sitting in my deluxe suite,

crying out my eyes

'cause I can't share a concrete
shower with four other cabins.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

I bet that's them old
cabins right now

wondering what colour
bug light you want.

DARLENE: I got it!

- Hey, are you all right?
- Sure. Why?

Well, you just walked
by a ringing phone.

Mom, please, I have a lot
of things on my mind.

Hodges is gonna make me rip
the guts out of some frog.

Yum. more cereal, anyone?

Yes, please.

I don't see how any
of you can eat.

Pass the milk.

There you go.

I still don't know what
I'm gonna do, mom.

You're gonna do whatever
you feel is right, okay?

- You keep the faith.
- Yeah.

Darlene, who was that?

Oh, it was Mr. Attleroy,
my boss at the newspaper.

- And what did he want?
- He wants to see me after school.

I guess he didn't get
his paper yet either.

Ah!

Well, mom, I did it.

I told hodges I wouldn't
cut up that frog.

Well, I bet that frog is
pretty glad to hear that.

Yeah, but hodges wasn't.

Thanks to him, I got
a "C" on my record.

You ought to be proud
of that "C," Becky.

I am. You put yourself
on the line for that.

It's not fair.

I'm the best student
in the class,

and everyone else is gonna
get a better grade than me.

Than I.

Well, nobody's gonna do
better than you in English.

You know, when I told
hodges I wouldn't do it,

all the kids cheered.

But then two seconds later, they
started cutting up their frogs.

What a bunch of hypocrites.

Well, Becky, you are the
best student in that class,

and it's just too bad they
don't give out grades

for standing up for
what you believe in.

I still don't believe
I got a "C."

Becky, if you wanted an "a,"

you would've cut up that frog.

But instead you did
the right thing.

The hip thing, the now thing,

the happening thing,
the '90s thing.

Then how come I feel so lousy?

I think it's 'cause
your body's starting

to reject the "C."

( DEEP VOICE ) Where
be the white whale?

Arrgh!

Arrgh!

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

Arrgh.

D.J., let me know if they run.

I'm gonna go upstairs and study.

I can't afford to screw
anything else up this semester.

Hey, stick 'em up.

Don't try nothin'
funny, partner.

Just hand me over that money.

How much is this?

I don't know, but it
looks like a lot.

- What you gonna do with it?
- I don't know.

Buy me something nice.

What would you like?

A honeymoon in
Sarasota, Florida.

What's a honeymoon?

I don't know, I never had one.

Oh, Darlene, Mrs.
Clyde just called.

She said she's looked
in all her puddles,

and she still can't
find her newspaper.

Well, that's not my
problem anymore.

And why is that?

Mr. Attleroy gave me the ax.

Well, Darlene, now that
you've got some free time,

could I get a minute with you?

Can I at least get a snack
before you chop my head off?

No.sit.

All right, start talking.

Well, it's a long, boring story.

That's a good beginning.

Keep going.

Well, I figured a paper
route was an easy way

to make some money.

Darlene, there's no
easy way to make money.

If there was, your mother
would've found it by now.

Let's face it, Darlene.

You quit on that job a long
time before attleroy fired you.

- Maybe I did.
- You did.

All right, but I'm 11 years old.

I figured why not enjoy myself.

I can live on my allowance
for a few more years.

I guess you ain't heard about
the lay-off then, huh?

Me and your daddy can only
afford to support two kids now.

Well, who's gonna tell D.J.?

- Hey, you're gonna be proud of Becky.
- Why's that?

Because she took a
"C" in biology,

rather than commit
animal genocide.

Good for her.

Hey, I got four "C" s and
nobody congratulated me.

"C" s come easy for you, honey.

Becky really had to
work for her "c."

Well, the first one was
the hardest for me, too.

( LAUGHING )

You know, Dan, I really
adore your kids.

Yeah?

I'd say we're three for three.

You know, I think
our first real try

was on my cousin's houseboat.

( IMITATING WHIRRING )

The only thing

I was really trying to
conceive on that houseboat

was an escape route.

You guys busy?

No, we were just sitting around
waiting for you to show up.

You know, every time you arrive,

it's the highlight of Dan's day.

Well, it is today, 'cause
I've been spending

a lot of time since yesterday
thinking about your guy's honeymoon.

You ain't going with us.

On the contrary.

You guys have been arguing
about it for 15 years.

You're gonna spend the next
15 years arguing about it.

So I've decided that since you
guys weren't gonna take one,

I was gonna give you one.

What are you talking about?

I booked a suite for the weekend

at wizard world.

Oh, boy. Wizard world.

( JACKIE LAUGHING )

Home of the wacky,
wiggling worm water ride.

Boy, I bet you never thought

we would be spending the
weekend there, huh?

- Not weally.
- JACKIE: Oh, forget it.

You guys aren't going.

Becky! Darlene!

- D.J.! front and centre!
- What are you up to?

I'm running away
for the weekend,

and I'm taking
your kids with me.

You guys get to stay in the
house and have your honeymoon.

- You mean…?
- Ooh, I have to be alone with you?

- Ooh!
- A girl, ooh!

And you better make
the most of it, too,

because this is the last
anniversary present

you're getting for
the next ten years.

Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you, sis.

You guys, pack your bags

'cause we're going
to wizard world.

- All right!
- Wizard world?

For the whole weekend.

- Are mom and dad coming?
- No.

( ALL CHEER )

Rosie, what are you doing?

Don't you worry about it.
You ready to start?

I guess so.

( LAUGHING )

This is weird.

I keep waiting for a kid to
come tearing through here.

Well, Dan, now, we
don't have any kids

'cause we're on our honeymoon.

What are you doing?

Sit.

( BARKS )

Okay, our honeymoon

has officially started.

It has?

Yeah, how do you like
our honeymoon suite?

I like it.

It has a nice, homey
lived-in feel to it.

Are you ready for romance?

Are you?

I was born ready.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

- Nice touch.
- I didn't even get to the touching yet.

( LAUGHS )

Now, would you like candlelight

or candlelight?

How about…

Candlelight?

Okay, now, which
one do you want?

A rippling stream

or a waterfall effect?

Surprise me.

All right.

( TRICKLING )

There's one rippling stream.

That's nice.

- A waterfall might be nicer.
- You got it.

( STREAMING RAPIDLY )

Watch out for the mist.

So this is the honeymoon
I've always wanted.

Niagara falls!

Niagara falls!

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )