Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 11 - Canoga Time - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

Freeze!

D.J., put that back in the box.
I just packed it.

This is my laser gun.

I know, it fried my hair.

If I shoot you, your
eyeballs will freeze

and you'll turn into a zombie.

That's kind of like your
dad when he watches TV.

I heard that. Blast her, D.J.



- Bam!
- Ahh!

Good shooting, beldar!

( BLOWS ) Thanks.

Honey, where do you
want this box?

Oh, god.

Even when I'm dead you're
asking me where stuff goes.

P.T.A. Rummage sale's
gonna love me.

Well, this house oughta
be their headquarters.

Why are you giving
all this stuff away?

We're not giving all
this stuff away.

We're just giving the
crummy stuff away.

Yeah, like we oughta fold you
in half and stick you in a box.

Ow! ow!

- Is Becky home yet?
- Not yet.



Ow! ow!

One kid down, two
to go, Darlene.

You guys are major dweebs.

Oh, thank you, honey.
That means so much to us.

Get in that kitchen and rustle
me up some grub, woman.

Oh, I love it when
you talk like a man.

I can't believe you're
gonna throw this away.

I wasn't, I was just
gonna get it rebristled.

This was in my "to
be fixed" box.

Oh, you mean your "talked
about fixing it" box?

Dear, I can only fix
one thing at a time.

And I'm still working on you.

Kiss it goodbye, Dan.

I'm tired of all this junk
cluttering up my house.

Your house?

She who cleans it, keeps it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, a man's home
is his castle.

You ain't got a castle

and that's why you're
staying at my place.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Let's face it, Dan,

you are a junk junkie,
a hardcore pack rat.

I am not.

Yeah, you are.

You're right, babe.

I do keep too much stuff
cluttering up your house.

What are you gonna do about it?

( BREATHES HEAVILY )

I'm gonna go cold turkey.

Starting right now.

So long, old pal.
I'm gonna miss you.

Well, I'll leave you two alone.

You know what? I want you
to go up in your closet

and throw out
everything that I hate.

That oughta keep you
busy most of the day.

Your every wish is my command.

Really?

Oh, yeah, baby. I love to serve.

Well, now I like a guy
who knows his place.

Hey, is that a toothbrush
in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

- Don't say a word.
- What?

- Just come upstairs.
- What'd you do?

Just come on.

- Can I come?
- No.

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.

- What you doing?
- Nothing.

What is your problem?

Don't give mom your report card.

Okay, Darlene, what'd you flunk?

I didn't flunk anything.

All right, I got a
"D" in history.

Mom said one "D" and I was
off the basketball team.

That's why you can't show
her your report card.

- Hey, I got straight A's.
- Well, that's your problem.

Darlene, you can't take your
report card back to school

- until mom signs it.
- She is gonna sign it.

But first, I'm gonna
change my "D" to a "B."

- You can't do that.
- Watch me.

All I have to do is
match the red ink.

- You are nuts.
- Becky, you gotta help me.

- No way.
- I'll give you my allowance.

- Forget it.
- For a month.

Well, maybe.

Great.

But if mom catches you,

you'll be playing
basketball on crutches.

- She's not going to catch me.
- Okay.

But I want my money in advance.

Mom.

Son.

Becky and Darlene are
up to something.

Don't be spying on your sisters.

- What are they up to?
- Something rotten.

Well, it's up to you,
007, to find out what.

( DRAMATIC VOICE) And you will,
because your name is bond…

James bond.

All right.

What is this?

Cardboard box.

Yeah, but it's filled
with all this junk

you stole from the other boxes.

Honey, this stuff isn't rummage.

Dan, I can't help you

if you're not willing
to help yourself.

Hi, I'm Dan and I'm a pack rat.

Everything I've ever had
in my life, I still have.

And what is this?

No house should be without
a plastic bowling ball

on a pedestal.

See, it's also a decanter.

You're in worse shape
than I thought.

Dan, all of this stuff is going.

Please just let me
keep one thing.

- Please, please?
- All right, one thing.

But not that thing.

This is my official
Canoga beer cuckoo clock.

It's a collector's item.

Dan, it's got a bear

that comes out on
the hour and burps.

That's the Canoga bear
and he doesn't burp,

he growls.

- He burps.
- He growls.

He pops out with a beer mug.
The belching bear goes.

- You really hate him, huh?
- I despise it.

Well, tell you what.

The clock goes if
everything else stays.

Are you blackmailing me?

You bet your booties.

- You're hopeless.
- ( SINISTER LAUGH )

- Hi, sis.
- Hello.

- ( DAN HISSING )
- Hi, aunt Jackie.

Hi, pumpkin butt.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Where do you want these?
- I'll take it.

Roseanne, look. Look at this.

I don't even remember
buying this thing.

I do.

You got it the same time you got

that hissing viper tattoo.

You got a tattoo?

Well, maybe.

- Can I see it?
- You're too young.

Can I see it?

You're too old.

Hey, kiddo…

You gonna stick around and
mooch dinner from us tonight?

- No, I have a date.
- Animal, vegetable or mineral?

- Booker.
- Vegetable.

We're going to the
pinewood dinner theatre.

Booker got tickets to see this
great Elvis impersonator.

What would you want to go
see an impersonator for

when the real thing is
out there somewhere.

Roseanne, don't start.

They spotted Elvis
just yesterday.

He was in Montana.

He was trying to call Ann
Margaret from a pay phone.

DAN: Hey.

Hey, don't make fun of the king.

Come on, Cilla, fire up the
Cadillac and let's go to Denver

for some peanut butter
and bacon sandwiches.

I can't go with you, Elvis.

I have to go get my hair teased.

♪ well, since my baby left me ♪

♪ I found a new place to dwell ♪

( JACKIE SHRIEKS )

( BOTH SCREAMING )

( CONTINUES SINGING )

- ♪ I'll be so lonely ♪
- ( BOTH SCREAMING )

Good night, ladies
and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.

Elvis is leaving. Thank you.

Thank you very much.
I'm leaving. Thank you.

There's no way you're gonna
get away with this, Darlene.

Basketball's almost over.

All I have to do is fool
mom for two more weeks.

- Shoot!
- What's wrong?

I can't match his red ink.

Crane probably drains the
blood out of stray cats

to get her ink.

- Shh.
- What?

I heard something.

You're just paranoid.

No, be quiet.

You're dead, D.J.!

Mom!

Now mom's gonna come up here.

No kidding, zip brain.

Let's ditch the pens.

- I'm giving mom my report card.
- No, you can't.

Hey, I'm not the one
who got the "D."

Why should I get in trouble

for one month of your
stinking allowance?

Did I say one month?
I meant five.

- Deal.
- ( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

ROSEANNE: Becky, Darlene?

- Oh, my gosh, she knows.
- No, she doesn't.

She's gonna want to know
why we locked the door.

ROSEANNE: Come on, you two.
Open the door.

Don't make me get the tear gas.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Why'd you lock the door?

I'm so used to locking
my locker at school,

I guess I just did
it automatically.

I don't know, what
do you think, D.J.?

Lies, all lies.

D.J. Told you to come
up here, didn't he?

No, as a matter of fact,
he didn't say one thing

about how you jerked the
door open and yelled at him,

- did you, D.J.?
- No.

Now I brought you
girls up this box

so you can fill it with
stuff for the rummage sale.

- Love to.
- We'll bring it right down.

D.J., quit snooping.

Mom, I think dad's calling you.

She's up here. Yeah,
she'll be right down.

- He's...
- well, he can wait.

You know, I don't think I
really spend enough time

with my lovely daughters…

Enjoying their extremely
stimulating company.

You know, just hanging out
and everything like that,

doing really fun stuff.

Mother? get a life.

♪ desk clerk's tears
keep fallin' ♪

♪ desk clerk's
dressed in black ♪

♪ they been too long
on lonely street ♪

♪ they ain't ever
gonna look back ♪

♪ oh, my baby ♪

♪ I been so lonely, baby ♪

♪ I been so lonely ♪

♪ I been so lonely ♪

hey, the girls are
up to something.

They got their door locked and
they're acting all goofy,

like you. What are you doing?

I'm just fixing this
here clock, mama.

I'll have it done
within the hour.

Scum-sucking…

Self-centred…

Pile of male garbage!

Dan, it's for you.

I buy new pantyhose,

I mousse my hair,

I sit in my apartment
for an hour and a half,

and booker doesn't show up.

Well, maybe he had some
kind of an emergency.

Yeah, I know his emergencies.

Blonde hair, blue eyes and
legs up to their throat.

So maybe he's giving
them mouth to mouth.

What are you doing?

Have you seen that red
pen that was in here?

I thought I saw it on the
coffee table before.

Why does he do this to me?

- ( DOORBELL RINGS )
- DARLENE: I'll get it.

- D.J.: I'll get it.
- Ah, you love it.

Oh, your pulse is racing,
your heart's throbbing,

and your face is all aglow.

I have malaria.

Aunt Jackie, it's uncle booker.

I'm not here.

- Jackie, I can explain.
- I don't want to hear about it.

I-I had an emergency.

Blonde hair, blue eyes?

I was on the phone
with my mother.

- ( DAN SNORTS )
- ( JACKIE SIGHS )

I was.

Jeez, booker, you
oughta take a shovel

around with you when you travel.

Her schnauzer got hit by a car

and he broke his leg.

Oh, get off it!

I'm not lying. The dog's
got a broken leg,

my mom was in hysterics.
What was I supposed to do?

Hang up.

Booker, I'm on your side, buddy,

and even I don't believe you.

Okay, call my mom. Ask her.

Roseanne, didn't you
have some rummage

you wanted me to fold
in another room?

Yes, I believe I do.

Why don't we go there
now, you and I?

- Come on, Jackie.
- Forget it.

Humph.

She's not mad.

Could have fooled me.

No, if she was mad,
she would have left.

No, she's waiting for
me to come back there.

Well, if I was you I'd wait
for the smoke to clear

before I went charging in there.

That's a good idea.

What do you got, Dan?

It's my official Canoga
beer cuckoo clock.

Ugly as hell, ain't it?

( BOOKER CHUCKLES )
It's pretty ugly.

I just keep it around
to torture Roseanne.

How long are you gonna
put up with him?

I can't help it. He turns me on.

One of these days, you're
gonna fall for a guy

with something above the waist.

Well, just 'cause you're
stuck in marriage hell,

you don't have to ruin my fun.

You know, there's more to
a relationship than sex.

You and Dan are fighting?

I, uh… Can I come in now?

Yeah, but you stay off my bed.

You gonna stay mad
at me all night?

Maybe.

Come on, Jackie. If
I was gonna lie,

don't you think I'd come
up with a better excuse?

Booker, why do you screw
up all of our dates?

Dates? this is the first
time we've ever gone out.

Right, and it's our fourth date.

Jackie, you want to
go out with some guy

who hangs up on his mom?

No, but I want to go out
with a guy that shows up.

I went all out for this.
I got a new dress,

I spent an hour on my hair…

You did all that for me?

No, I did it so I
could fold clothes

in my sister's bedroom.

Jackie, I'm flattered.

I don't want you
to feel flattered.

I want you to feel
lousy, like I feel.

Jackie, you don't look lousy.

No, no, no, no.

Well, this dress
looks very nice.

Stay away from me.

Did I mention that
your hair is terrific?

Stay away, booker.Sit.

- Hmm?
- Sit.

Don't touch me.

Touch.

Don't touch me.

- Touch.touch.
- Booker!

I-I mean...

( GASPS )

I hate you.

Eww, they're kissing,
they're kissing!

They're kissing,
they're kissing!

- Who?
- Aunt Jackie and booker.

Are they standing up?

Yes, we're standing up.

And we're leaving now to
get started on our date.

We're a little too
late to see Elvis.

That's putting it mildly.

- See you, Dan.
- Where you guys headed?

We're going out for
a romantic evening.

And an insanely expensive meal.

I just gotta pick
up my date first.

Wipe your mouth out.

- Bye, aunt Jackie.
- Bye.

Time for you to go to bed now.

- Good night.
- Okay.

- Good night.
- Ahh!

Mom, you need to sign
our report cards.

You got your report cards today?

Yeah, here, sign it.

Well, I usually like to
read what I'm signing.

How'd you do, Darlene?

Pretty good.

Pretty good? She got
a "B" in history.

I thought you were
gonna get a "D."

It's a miracle.

Uh, aren't you gonna
look at mine?

I got straight A's.

- That's great, honey.
- Aces as always.

I'm going to bed.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Dan…

Isn't that the most perfect "B"
you've ever seen in your life?

Never seen one quite like it.

Are you guys gonna sign it?

Allow me.

You know, I think we should

call up miss crane
and thank her.

I'll thank her for you.

Wait a minute, isn't she gonna
be at the rummage sale tomorrow?

That's right, we can
thank her in person.

Maybe we can get
a picture of her

standing next to
the report card.

( SIGHS ) You guys
know, don't you?

Know what?

I didn't get a "B"
on my report card.

You didn't?

No.

( SIGHS )

I got a "C."

On the test that
brought my average up.

To a "D."

Which is what I really
got on my report card

until I changed it.

So you don't have to worry about

picking me up from
basketball practice anymore.

And I think the guilt
is punishment enough.

That and being grounded
for three weeks.

Oh, no!

- Two.
- Two's good.

( SNORTS )

She honestly thought she was
gonna get away with it.

Aah! can you believe
that little stinker?

Hell, I used to do better
forgeries than that.

Excuse me, ma'am.

- You remember this clock?
- How could I forget it?

I seem to recall you
saying something about

how I'd never get it fixed?

No, I think what I said was
if you did get it fixed

you have to move out.

♪ any time's a perfect time ♪

♪ for Canoga beer ♪

♪ the bear's the one to
have friends and fun ♪

♪ so have a Canoga beer ♪

♪ Canoga ♪

( CLOCK BURPING )

This'll look perfect
up on the mantelpiece.

Now there's no way I
want that eyesore

where anybody can see it.

Wait a minute, you said
I can keep one thing.

And I'm it.

I want the bear.

Well, there's no way that thing's
going in my living room.

Wait a minute, excuse me.
Your living room?

- My living room.
- Your living room?

Yeah, my living room.

And you know why? 'Cause
you've got bad taste.

I've got bad taste?

You want to talk
about bad taste?

What do you call this?

That's imported.

I call it kindling.

Dan, that is a genuine
Mexican objet d'art.

Unlike this objet d'scrap metal.

That, for your information,

happens to be an
authentic replica

of a civil war field piece.

It is also a cigarette lighter.

Well, good, then you can use it

to burn up all your
ratty old underwear

that you keep 'til they're two
threads and an elastic band.

Why are we always
pitching my junk?

What about…

- Dan, don't do that.
- …Your junk.

Don't... ohh!

You're gonna sleep
in it, mister.

- Ooh, hoo-hoo!
- No, no!

Oh, that is sad. Dan, come on!

Put that field piece down.

That cannon's gonna be
worth money someday.

Say goodbye to it.
Just say goodbye.

ROSEANNE: Oh!

Ahh!

( ROSEANNE GASPS )

( DAN GROANS )

No!

Kaw, kaw, kaw, kaw!

( CHUCKLING )

( CRASHING )

Let's go to bed.

- Tell me, miss… - Hmm. What?

Will you still respect
me in the morning?

I'll respect you in the morning,

in the afternoon, and
especially at night.

( GROWLING )

( PHONE RINGING )

( GRUNTING )

( BRITISH ACCENT ) Hello?

Dan's house of ecstasy.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Tucker.

Yeah, that's our stuff
out on the front lawn.

Just a second.

- Honey?
- Hmm?

How much do we want
for the coffee table?