Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 10 - Saturday - full transcript

Well, this one's called "Saturday"
and I hope you enjoy it.

It was one of my favourite
ones in that first season

because my then…

my first ex-husband bill

plays a neighbour Freddy
who bangs his head

and bill was famous in
our entire marriage

and in his entire life
for banging his head.

I remember when we
were living in Denver,

he banged his head on
the same chandelier

every single day for
about two years

like he forgot it was there.



So I kind of wanted him
to do that on the show

'cause he was quite funny
at banging his head

and the facial
expressions he'd make.

So I hope you enjoy it.

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

DAN: Babe, I've looked everywhere.
Where's the good rags?

They're hanging up
in your closet.

All I could find is
this flimsy stuff.

I need substantial rags
to work on the truck.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

Hello. Hey, Dwight. What's up?

Besides that.



Oh yeah, bring the
whole wrench set.

No, we got plenty of beer.

All right, see you
in a few, buckaroo.

Is Dwight coming over here?

- Yeah, what's wrong with that?
- Nothing.

Just every time you're with him,
your I.Q. Drops ten points.

He's bringing his tools over. He's
gonna help me tune up the truck.

You're not gonna get
that truck tuned up.

You guys are just gonna
be in the driveway,

drinkin' beer and spittin'

and talking about who's got
the biggest hood ornament.

Hell, honey, that's
not even a contest.

I know, no one can
spit like you, honey.

I love watching you with
Dwight. You guys are so funny.

"Yeah, I bet those bears are
gonna kick some butt on Sunday."

Yeah.

You got that down. Maybe you should
come out and help us work on the truck.

I probably should. That's the only
way you'll probably get it done.

You and Dwight have never
finished nothing but a six-pack.

It just so happens Dwight and I
have finished a lot of stuff.

Yeah, like that utility room
you started three years ago?

Utility room is not a truck.

Can I embroider
that on a pillow?

Yes.

And you can embroider this.

By 4:00 this afternoon, that truck
will have new points and plugs

and will be running
like a race car.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Would you care to
make a small wager?

Oh, name it.

Okay, if that truck
ain't working by 4:00,

then you got to clean
this oven today

and every month for the
rest of your life.

Fine.

But if I win, which I will,

you got to do all the snow
shovelling this winter

and every winter for
the rest of your life.

All right, you're on, buckaroo.

Here you go.

One peanut butter and jelly
sandwich coming right up.

I like it better

with the peanut butter on top.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Roseanne.
- Hi, Dwight.

- Hey there, scooter.
- Hi, Mr. Goodworth.

- What are you doing, Dwight?
- Beer break.

Well, you don't just
go in somebody's house

and start taking stuff
out of their fridge.

Dan said I could.

Well, what Dan says don't
matter around here.

He knows that.

- Did you hear that, Dan?
- DAN: It's true.

I'm merely a figurehead.

I hear you're gonna be shovelling
some snow this winter.

Yeah, rose, you better
be nice to Dwight.

He said he can get you a good
discount on a snow blower.

- You think Freddy wants a beer?
- He's breathing, ain't he?

Is Freddy out there, too?

Got all three of
us on the job now.

Getting worried, girl?

Oh, yeah, I'm shakin'
in my boots.

Don't stick your
finger in there.

- Tastes better that way.
- That's disgusting.

You want me to put it back?

Dan, you told me he
was housebroken.

I lied. ( WHISTLING
) Come on, boy.

Hold on there, Dan.

Hey, Chiquita Rosarita.

Is that little sister of yours
gonna be around here today?

What do you care?

Boy, can't a man ask
a simple question

without some woman giving
him the third degree?

Well, not when that man's you

and the woman's my sister.

What kind of crazy thoughts
are rattling around

in that empty head
of yours, Dwight?

Just wanna talk to her is all.

- About what?
- Nothing.

Are you thinking about
asking her out?

Maybe.

ROSEANNE: On a date?

Sorta.

Well, forget about it, Dwight.

My sister don't
date Neanderthals.

Why?

Come on, Dwight, we got
a lot of work to do.

Take that beer out to Freddy.

- Dan.
- Yes, dear.

Why didn't you tell me he's
got the hots for Jackie?

News to me.

He's not going out
with my sister.

Why don't we just let them
work out their own lives?

'Cause it'll just mess 'em up.

Rosie.

Why must you mere mortals
gamble with your own thoughts

when you have the
goddess of corn here

to keep you from screwing up?

Here, dad.

Thanks, son.

Hey, scooter, you wanna go ask
your mom for some more chips?

Okay.

Hey, take it easy there, Dwight.

I wouldn't want you
to strain yourself.

Don't worry, pal.

I lift with my
legs, not my back.

- Hey, Dan…
- Yeah?

Jackie ain't dating
anybody, is she?

Nobody'll have her. Hand
me the screwdriver.

It's pretty obvious. She's
got a thing for me.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.

She was in my hardware
store last Thursday,

asking me a lot of questions

about those new cordless
drills I got in.

Yeah, those are nice.

But that's not what
she was shopping for,

if you catch my drift.

Dwight, you own a
hardware store.

Have you considered the
remote possibility

that Jackie came in because
she needed something?

Oh, she needed
something, all right.

( LAUGHS )

That's right, I forgot, you're
the real expert with women.

Yeah, I guess I know my way
around the hen house, all right.

Yeah, probably so,

since you're still living
at home with your mom.

Hey. hey, my mom needs me.

Yum.

Well, Freddy, I see

you're making a heck
of a difference there.

You guys already
got the hood up.

Yeah, we got your
hardcore labour going on.

Yeah, I see Dwight's labouring

to suck the bottom out
of that beer can.

Dad, can I get in the truck?

Sure, go ahead, bub.

ROSEANNE: Let me see
what kind of mess

you're making around here?

Why, we're so far ahead,

we're ready for another break.

We already pulled the points and
plugs, and now we're setting the gaps.

What are you talking
motors to her for?

It's a waste of breath, Dan.

He's right, Dan, you know.

The female mind
just can't handle

the complexities of the
modern combustion engine.

It's a proven fact.
Right, Freddy?

That's right.

Look at all these wires

and these gizmos
and thingamabobs.

It just makes my head spin.

It's typical.

I say if you can't
find the fan belt,

you shouldn't get behind
the steering wheel.

Am I right, Dan?

You're on your own here, Dwight.

Tell you what I'd
do with you women.

I'd take all of your
little licenses away

and I'd put you girls on
public transportation

where you's belong.

I'm amazed you're
not the governor.

I wouldn't vote for ya.

( HORN HONKS )

Damn it, don't honk that when
I'm working on the engine.

Sorry, Mr. Meeker.

Don't worry, scooter. He
didn't hit anything he uses.

Mom, can I ride my bike?

Yeah, but ride in
real heavy traffic.

Ha-ha, it's so funny
I forgot to laugh.

Now, you boys pick up
all your beer cans

and put your little toys away.

And when you're
all done playing,

you push this big, blue truck
right out of the driveway.

Boy, I'll tell you what, Dan,

every morning I wake up,
get down on my knees

and thank the good lord up above

I'm not married to that woman.

I think Rosie's pretty
much okay about that, too.

If my woman ever
talked to me that way,

you know what I'd say to her?

Yeah… "get back in
the house, mom."

Hi, you guys. How you doing?

- DAN: How was the mall?
- Oh, it was wonderful.

We ate corn dogs by the pound.

- We sure did.
- DWIGHT: Hey, Jackie.

Hi.

Oh, Dwight.Hi.

Poor thing.

God, I hate it when a girl
embarrasses herself like that.

What are you talking
about, Dwight?

It's obvious.

The woman wants me.

Yeah, so does the
animal research lab.

- Roseanne, look at this.
- ROSEANNE: Ooh!

Isn't this the sweetest thing?

39.95, marked down from 89.99.

Wow.

This is the kind
of thing men love.

Or you could wear a sign
that said "free sample."

Get out.

You see, if I wear this,
I'll feel more feminine.

And if I feel more feminine,

I'll radiate this
mysterious sensuality

and men will flock to me.

They won't know what it is,

but they'll want it.

Yeah, that's kind of the
way they feel about Chili.

Mom, look at the ankle bracelet
aunt Jackie bought me.

Cute. You know, Dan
bought me one of those

when we first got married,
and he had it engraved.

It said "P.O.W."

I also got six colours of blush.

Crystal's gonna help me
find my perfect shade.

Let's do it, sugar.

I'll have you looking
like a cover girl.

ROSEANNE: Once again, the mall

has turned out to be the
ultimate Zen experience.

( LAUGHING )

Roseanne, come here.
You got to see this.

Dwight's out here balancing
beer cans on his head.

He usually don't take his
vacation till summer.

He's doing three cans.
That's hard to do.

Well, not when you're in love.

What you're witnessing

is the rarely-seen
primitive mating dance

of the north American
grease monkey.

And guess who he's
dancing for, sister.

Hint, hint, hint.

I was down at his hardware
store the other day

and was following me
around like a puppy.

- He's kind of cute.
- Cute?

I bet his parents are
brother and sister.

I could do worse.

You have done worse, Jackie.

Well, maybe you're
right, I don't know.

He is single,

and he has his own business.

And he's never been in prison.

I think he likes women.

Well, when you consider the
meat market in Lanford,

he's not so bad.

Yeah, he kind of reminds me
of a big ol' rump roast.

No, there's some good
raw material out there.

This guy's got potential.

With a little work, he could
get whipped into shape.

Look what you did with Dan.

True, but I'm a unique and
incredible woman, Jackie.

And you're saying that I'm not?

Yeah.

I'll have you know
that somebody like me

who is tolerant
and sensitive…

And insane.

I could show you a whole
nother side of Dwight.

I could go out there
right now and show you

a Dwight that behaves
like a perfect gentleman.

- Oh, right.
- I'll do it, too.

You know, Jackie, you really
should try earth sometime.

I think you might like it.

( LAUGHS )

I'll tell you what, fellas.

You let women in as umpires,

you can kiss the game of
baseball right down the toilet.

WOMAN: Freddy, you
know what time it is?!

Coming, honey. All right,
fellas, I got to go.

Yeah, you better run.

I hear the warden calling you.

Thanks a lot, Freddy.

I promised Beatrice I'd wash
the screens this afternoon.

See ya.

DWIGHT: So long…

Wimp.

- What time is it anyway?
- It's ten to four.

Ten to four. Dwight, get
over here and help me.

We got ten minutes to get
this engine running.

Never fear, the tool man's here.

- Help me hook up these cables.
- Hi, guys. What's kickin'?

- Hey, Jackie.
- Hi, Dwight.

Hey, you got all your gaps
adjusted there, Danny boy?

Don't bother me now,
Roseanne. I'm on a roll.

Dwight, get over here.

DWIGHT: Hey, just a second.

How was your little shopping
trip there, Jackie?

Oh, it was good.
We hit every sale.

Yeah?

Bet you like those malls, huh?

All them shoe stores.

Jackie loves buying
shoes, don't you, Jackie?

I do happen to enjoy
it, Roseanne.

Boy, the way you
ladies buy shoes,

you'd think y'all had
six feet on every leg.

Dwight, what did you do
with the distributor cap?

- I didn't have it.
- Yeah, you did.

It's over there somewhere.

Oh! Oh, oh, doggone it.

What's wrong?

It's this darn money
clip, it's nothin'.

It keeps poking me in the leg.

Look at that, would ya.

I'm losing all my darn money.

Yeah, I guess

that itty, bitty little
money clip's just too much

for that great, big wad
of yours, huh, Dwight?

I like to keep my
money neat is all.

Neatness is an admirable
quality in a gentleman.

I'm a really neat gentleman.

Dwight, the distributor
cap's not over here.

- It's somewhere else then.
- Where?

In the garage, maybe.

Oh, gee.

I think my watch
is wrong, Jackie,

'cause it says
it's almost 4:00.

But it couldn't
be almost 4:00.

'Cause if it was almost 4:00,

I'd hear this truck
purring like a race car.

It ain't over till it's over.

You guys gonna get this
tank up and rattling again?

Yeah.

Pretty sorry piece of
scrap iron, isn't it?

- You ever seen my car?
- That lime green convertible?

Yeah.

My monster.

It's got a bored out 327,

with dual quads.

It can do 125 M.P.H.'s.

No wonder your mom

wears her hair straight back.

( CLATTERING )

( LAUGHING )

I can't find that damn
distributor cap anywhere.

Did you look for it?

No…

I was out there
tearing up my garage

just for the hell of it!

Well, Dan, you should
go look in the kitchen.

Why would it be in the kitchen?

Because everything in the free
world ends up in the kitchen.

- Dwight.
- Huh?

What did you do with
the distributor cap?

Um, far left-hand corner
of the tool shelf

behind the motor oil.

And you know what?

You got five minutes and
29 seconds to find it?

When I find that
distributor cap,

you're gonna be shovelling snow
for the rest of your life.

Five minutes and 27 seconds.

DARLENE: Mom!

I'm busy!

I can't get your sewing
machine to stop!

Oh, Darlene, stay away from it!

Don't touch anything!

It's a three-ring
circus around here.

Yeah, and Dan's
the dancing bear.

You know, Dwight, I was
talking to Roseanne,

and I told her that I…

Thought you were a
pretty good guy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Listen, Jackie, um…

You know, ever since you
were in my store last week,

I've been thinking.

About what?

Uh, about you.

Really?

- Really.
- Oh!

I've been thinking

maybe you'd like me to come
over to your place sometime.

We can do that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Whoo.

Maybe I could give your engine

a little tune-up.

A tune-up? No, my car's okay.

I'm talking about your engine.

Engines I tune stay tuned.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what
you mean, Dwight.

I'll tell you what, Jackie,

with a chassis like yours,

it'll be a pleasure
to pop your hood.

What do you say?

I say…

I think you just blew it.

Hey, guy.

Yeah.

- You okay?
- Oh, sure.

I was only asking her out 'cause
she's your sister-in-law.

Hey, man, her loss.

Why can't I meet a guy who's
interested in something

other than getting his
hands on my chassis?

Well, Jackie,

I'm sure there's three or four
guys like that left in the world.

They just ain't in my driveway.

If I could meet a guy
with half a brain,

an ounce of courage, and
a little bit of heart,

I'd fall in love.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Mom and Jackie, which
is my perfect shade?

We put three different
blushes on her cheek.

Pick the one you like best.

Oh, I like it over here.
This looks great over there.

Mom, there's no blush there.

- I like this middle one.
- That's the one Crystal picked.

It's called "pinch of plum."

Yummy.

Honey, you put on that
blush like I showed you,

you'll have the boys
standing in line.

Thanks, Crystal.

Well, this has been fun,

but I have to get home.

- Bye, Dan.
- I'll see you, Crystal.

ROSEANNE: It's 4:00.

Hark!

I believe I hear

a dirty oven calling you.

It's fine, you win
your stupid bet.

But I was under a handicap…
you took away my best man.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the joke
you played on Dwight.

I don't know how you can
feel good about winning

when my buddy's crushed.

- Crushed?
- You levelled that guy.

Dan, I went out there to
give him every chance.

He acted like a pig.

I know the guy ain't
exactly prince charming,

but every time I've needed
him, he's been there for me.

He's a human being, Jackie.
He's got feelings.

He's right, Jackie.

How could you turn down a guy

with a lime green monster?

I thought you were gonna
stay out of this.

I did, and that's why
it's all messed up.

Dan, I swear, I went out
there to give him a chance.

A chance? A chance
to look like a jerk?

But he's so good at it.

Go ahead and joke.

Meanwhile, my buddy's
sitting out there

trying to scrape his
pride off the driveway.

Oh, Dan, get off it.

Honey, you didn't see the
look on that poor guy's face.

He's scarred for life.
He'll never get over it.

Excuse me. Jackie, could
you move your car?

- You're blocking me in.
- Yeah, I'll move it.

I'm gonna give your friend
Dwight a ride home.

He's not feeling too good,

and his mother has his car.

Whoa.

( WHISTLES ) Catch
ya later, big guy.

( ROSEANNE CLEARS THROAT )

Guess he got over it.

( ENGINE STARTS )

Listen to that…
purring like a kitten.

And it's only 10:30.

Remember how we used to go to the
drive-in every Saturday night?

Yeah, we'd put the
kids in pyjamas.

Then we'd pop that
big bag of corn.

That was really fun, wasn't it?

I can't believe they tore
down that old drive-in.

And put up that incredibly
beautiful mini-mall.

The kids always fall asleep
during the second feature,

and we get romantic.

You mean you'd get romantic.

Of course I would.

You'd put your head
on my shoulder,

and we'd cuddle up real close,

and you'd look right up
there at the screen.

- Can you see it?
- Yeah.

What are they playing?

"Guns of Navarone."

Nah, I don't wanna
watch that again.

- What do you wanna watch?
- "Doctor zee-vaygo."

All right, I could see that.

Yeah, see the snow falling

and the trains pulling
into the station?

Yeah, she's there
waiting for him.

- Yeah.
- And he steps down off the train.

Their eyes meet.

He walks over, he reaches
out and takes her hand…

And says, "how would you
like me to pop your hood?"