Room 104 (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Animal for Sale - full transcript

Jesus Christ, this is
a fuckin' nightmare.

Goddamnit.

You've been a bad boy!

Do you hear me?!

Bad! B-A-D!

How many fuckin' times?
I swear to God!

You've been a bad boy!

You heard me?!

Ya know, I feel like we just keep
havin' this same conversation.

I can't take you anywhere
anymore!

OK? And I got to say it, awright?



This shit is embarrassing!

Remind me of something.

What was the first thing I said
when we came in here?

Huh? I said we come in quiet,
and we don't make a mess.

Yeah, exactly.

But you come in,
and since we don't know

who the fuck's been here, what kind of
weird-ass perfume they've been wearin',

and your scent's off...
You being you,

your self-preservation
instinct kicks in

and you just shit everywhere.

Oh, goddamnit.

I'll give you that, buddy,
I will.

I... I get it.

I'm sorry...
that I had to bring you here,



and I'm really sorry that
I put you in this position.

But I need you to stay
in there a while...

until I figure out
if this situation is copacetic.

Deal?

No, no, calm, no... Hey!

Calm!

Yes.

Who's the handsome man?

You are.
You're the handsome man.

And you're a calm handsome man,
right?

I need you to be so calm
for us now, dearheart.

OK? And if you're calm,
I'm gonna give you

your special treat. Right?

Such a handsome man.

That's right, dear.

Nummy nums.

You must be the art enthusiast.
Sharon.

You're... Allan?

Yup, that's me. Welcome.

Thanks for comin' so soon.
Come on in.

Thanks.

Uh, any trouble
finding the place?

Nope.

Can I, uh, sit down?

Oh! God, yes. Of course. Yes.

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- Thanks.

So sorry.

Um, I'd offer you
something to drink,

but this place doesn't have
a goddamn mini-bar.

Well...

should we get down
to the business at hand?

Oh, I like your style.

No bullshit, huh?
You're my kind of girl.

Let's get down to business.

All right.

Is... Is that necessary?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
we're lookin' at the real thing here.

I take every precaution.

And this is the real thing?

Oh, honey...

when you see him in the flesh,

there's no question.

Impressive, right?

I can't say what they mean,

exactly, but interpreting
any artist's work,

there's always a code...

to deciphering his intent.

Uh-huh.

And I don't know how
to make this any more obvious

for you, Sharon,
but I know the artist.

"Elmer."

What was that?

I got here, and that thing
was running like crazy.

I had to take the top off, jigger with
the flange, the chain's all fucked up...

It's been gurgling off and on.

What do you take me for, Allan?

Excuse me?

Did you think I was here
to buy finger paintings?

I have no idea.

I want to meet him.

Really?

See, I feel like
I have given you

multiple opportunities
to make that happen here.

You mean you want me
to say your password?

Yes. I like to think of it
as a "code phrase,"

but yeah, you need to fuckin' say
my code phrase, or there's no deal.

I didn't get
that part of the email.

It was cut off after you told
me when I came in the room

I needed to ask
about the "artist,"

who was in "exile" or something.

OK, OK, well, close enough.

I'm not good with computers.

Whoa, sorry about that.

Are we doing this, or what?

Wh... Ha ha ha!

Just because
you know the code phrase

does not mean
you're right for this.

No, I still need to vet you.

Really?

It won't be so bad.

Everyone remembers Bubbles.

Bubbles got all the attention.

I don't know
if you remember, but...

Michael even took him
on tour with him once.

But people forget Elmer...
Elmer the gorilla.

Elmer was Michael Jackson's
special gorilla,

and then one day,
he was my special gorilla.

How's that?

When Michael died
and they cleared out Neverland,

those of us who had connections
in the animal community,

we got first dibs,

and my wife at the time and I,
we had a sanctuary

and we were a perfect fit.

Yeah, well, let's just say things
went belly-up on all fronts.

It's just me and Elmer now.

I wanna see him.

What makes you think
you can handle this?

Experience. Training.

Really?

Have you ever been to Vallejo?

It's in Northern California.

- No.
- Well,

there's an animal park there.

It's called Marine World.

Or it was. Six Flags bought it

and it's a big fat
roller coaster abomination now.

I loved going there as a kid,

and when I got to be
the right age,

I went to work there.

No shit. That's awesome.

And eventually I got to work
with the gorillas. Mm-hmm.

I was one of the gorilla girls.

Gorilla girls.

Yeah, that's what
they called us.

Marine World had the largest
number of gorillas in captivity

on the West Coast,

and the gorillas
would go into these fits,

and we developed these highly
specialized processes to calm then down.

Right, right, right, right!

My wife, she used to
show Elmer her breasts,

she'd just pop 'em out,
and it would chill him right out.

Is that... Is that what
you were gonna say?

No, that... that seems odd to me.

Yeah, well,
when he gets into the red zone,

you got very few options.

Allan...

do you believe that
I'm the real thing?

I believe you.

So if you believe me,
why aren't we making this deal happen?

Wow. You get to the point,
I'll give ya that.

You get to the point.

He needs to be with someone

who knows how
to take care of him.

You know what?

Do you even have
the fucking money? Huh?

Now that this is all out in the
open, let's see the cash.

Get it out, lay it on the table.

All right, all right,
hold your horses.

That smell real to you?

Yeah, it smells like ten grand.

You can count it if you want.

No, the weight feels right.

Well, maybe I'll...
I'll count it.

A Taser gun? Are you serious?

I can't leave anything
up to chance.

- You don't carry one?
- I don't believe in them.

You get into a situation where
you need something like this,

it's probably
your own damn fault

and you're gonna get
what you deserve.

If that really is Elmer
in there,

how'd you get him
to be so quiet?

Why doesn't he just open the
door and come out on his own?

He's a little on
the lethargic side.

I just kinda set him in a spot where
he's comfortable, and he just stays put.

You haven't altered his diet
in any weird way or anything?

I mean... he's not sick?

I'm not sellin' him 'cause I don't
know how to take care of him.

Is that what you're asking? Huh?

So why are you
selling him, then?

It's time. It's...

He's grown financially
unsustainable

and I can't keep him
in a lifestyle

that he's accustomed to anymore.

I can assure you

he will receive all the care
that is required with me,

at my sanctuary.

I've had many, many like him
under my supervision.

No! No, no, no! Don't open that!

He's not ready.

He's not ready,
or you're not ready?

If you're gonna meet him,

I want the mood to be right, OK?

He is all about
first impressions.

Hmm?

OK. This feels right.

I think we're ready.

All right, I'm...

I... I'd just avoid
direct eye contact with him,

he's been in there
a couple hours,

he may be a little cracked out.

You don't want me
to look at him?

No, you can look at him, just
don't, you know, sneer at him.

Don't worry about me.

I'm not worried about you.

OK.

Here we go.

Hi, baby.

Hi, big boy. Hi!

How are you?

I know it's been
a really long time,

and you've been so patient,

you've been so patient in here.

Now it's time to come out. OK?

You wanna take my hand?

Come on. Come on, baby.

Good boy.

There we go.

Yeah, buddy, yeah, good boy.

Good boy.

There you go.
Right onto the corner.

Yeah, good boy!

Good boy.

Who's a handsome boy?

Is that a handsome boy?

Good boy.

Sharon... meet Elmer.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let him come to you. Here.

Why are you giving him bananas?
He's not a chimpanzee.

I know, but he likes 'em,
and if you want him

to come to you,
you'll give 'em to him.

- Just remember to keep your...
- Keep my fingers together.

Don't worry,
I know what I'm doin'.

It's OK, buddy. It's OK.

This is Sharon,
she's our new friend.

Yeah, it's OK.

- It's OK, buddy.
- Hey.

It's OK.

Good boy. Good boy.

So...
what do you think of Elmer?

Oh, he's cute.

You think he's cute?

Yeah. I've seen 'em ugly before.

This guy's a cutie.

Cute.

You know what?

I don't think this is the right fit.
Oh, buddy...

I don't know how else
I can assure you, Allan,

I've got 20 years' experience
with primates.

Specifically with Elmer's genus.

So then you know what it means
that he's almost 20 years old

and he's lived his entire life
in captivity.

Well, besides his time with you, it sounds
like he's had a rich lifestyle for a gorilla.

We do all right. OK?

It took some time,

but Elmer's gotten used
to life on the road.

You've been traveling with him?

You know that's complete havoc
on his nervous system!

Of course I do, goddamnit.

Why do you think you're here?
Huh?

Since Elmer came into my life,

he's been mine,
he's been my blood.

And it was great.

But now suddenly he's
matured, and I've got

a fuckin' seriously fucking
intense animal on my hands.

I mean, it is fucked up.

He's got to take Xanax just to
exist in this dogshit world.

You... You've been
giving him Xanax?!

Hell yes, I have.

Every day
for the past five years

I've put it in his treats.

Does the trick.

No side effects.

Well, you do realize

that he is basically
addicted now?

Yeah. It's the only thing keeping
him from ripping my damn face off.

OK? This dude has
zero impulse control.

He doesn't understand things
on a human level.

In his mind,
he's still in the jungle.

He's not supposed to be here.

You're tellin' me.

He's not supposed to be in
this hotel room, he's...

nor is he supposed
to be living in your van.

He needs to be in a facility
where there are caretakers

who know how to respond
to his needs.

You know what?

I'm sick of your
condescending shit.

Deal's off.

Come on, buddy,
let's get the fuck outta here.

I don't understand.

Here's how it's gonna go
from this point, Allan.

You're gonna turn around,
you're gonna walk away from me,

placing your hands on the wall.

I'm gonna radio backup,

and were going to take Elmer
to his new home.

I'm placing you under arrest

for trafficking in
unlicensed exotic animals.

No. Come... This isn't how
it was supposed to happen.

Our entire conversation
has been recorded, Allan.

It's the only way.

No, no, I can't...
I can't leave him with you.

He's scared. Look at him.

Elmer?

Elmer?

Does he know what that is?

God in heaven, I have no idea.

Has he ever seen a gun before?

Oh, God...

He's got a squirt gun
that I let him play with.

He loves Dirty Harry movies.

I don't think he's ever seen
a real one, though.

Elmer?

You need to put that down.

- Tell him.
- Hey. Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Hi. You know what?

I am not gonna yell at you,

I'm not, but I'm gonna
ask you to give me that toy.

OK, big boy?
And then Daddy's gonna...

Aaaah!

Oh, God! Oh, fuck! Fuck!

- Are you OK?
- Oh, God, it hurts like a motherfucker!

I can't feel my legs!

- Jesus! OK...
- Dude! What the fuck?!

I'm gonna radio backup.
You stay on the ground.

You do that.

Oh, fuck! It's in my purse.
The radio.

OK.

Yeah. Yes.

It's OK, Elmer.

Hey, buddy.

OK.

It's OK. Shh...

Arrghh!!!

Jesus! I said don't move!

He was gonna zap you!

I took the fuckin' hit for you!

Oh, son of a bitch!

Take it away from him!

Uh, does he know
any verbal cues?

- Any trigger words?
- He speaks English.

Uh, OK.

Elmer, please,

give the pretty lady the toy.

I'm begging you,
give her the toy.

Oh, fuck!

Allan. Allan, what?
What's happening?

It's the red zone.
He's in the fuckin' red zone.

OK... OK.

What are you doing?

Shhh!

Uh, I don't think
he's gonna be...

Oh. Wow.

Oh, OK.

That's it...
buddy, that's it, Elmer.

Elmer...

Elmer.

There we go.

That's the Elmer
that I want to see.

Yeah, nice and easy,
I'm... I'm just...

I'm gonna... yeah...

- Arrghh!
- Elmer! No!

No! Shar-Sharon.

Are you OK? Sharon?

Elmer, dude.

Buddy... Ah, fuck.
Thank you so much.

Wait. Elmer, no!

No!!!

Do not walk away from me!

Elmer.

Itchy, itchy shakes.

Hey! It's me!

Those itchy shakes.

♪ Hey! ♪

I love this song, man!

♪ Hey, hey
Those itchy, itchy shakes ♪

♪ Yeah!
Those itchy, itchy shakes ♪