Room 104 (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pizza Boy - full transcript
A pizza delivery boy gets caught up in a couple's twisted games.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Room 104
1x02 "Pizza Boy"
August 5, 2017
Sorry about that. What do I owe you?
Uh, 22.42.
For one pizza?
(LAUGHS) By God.
Better be goddamn delicious.
Um, one second.
Come on, wallet.
I'm sorry, you could
come in and shut the door.
It's freezing out there.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry. Stupid
wallet. What's your name?
- Jarod.
- Jarod.
I am such a nincompoop. (CHUCKLES)
So, you probably got,
like, a hundred pizzas
in the car that need delivering, right?
Uh, no, it's fine. Just, you
know, need to get back when I can.
Man: Right. Come on, wallet. No!
Wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet,
wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet!
Ah, two seconds.
Make yourself at home.
Um...
Got it! All right.
22-something... son of a...
- (SIGHS)
- Oop.
Perfect time to run out of cash, right?
Look at me wasting your
time. The prime of your youth.
Sending you on a wild goose chase
for dollars that don't exist.
- It's fine.
- MAN: Honey.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah. Do you have any cash?
- You know I don't carry cash.
- I know you don't carry cash.
Why would you carry
cash when you just take
it from my wallet whenever you need it?
Um, all right, Jarod, here's the deal.
There's a cash machine down the street.
I will be back in four
minutes, five tops.
It's all right, you can trust me.
I'll even leave my wife
as collateral, all right?
Um, you know, you can
just call a credit card in.
No, no, no, that's silly
'cause then they tax your tip
'cause you have to declare it.
Believe me, I know the drill.
- I'll be right back.
- It's really not that...
- honestly, the card...
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Woman: Can I get your
help with something?
Sure.
In here.
Do you like this dress?
Uh, yes.
(CHUCKLES) That rhymes.
- What... what rhymes?
- Yes, dress.
Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
Yeah, it does, huh? (INHALES)
Did you prefer the other one?
What?
Did you like the other
dress I was wearing before
better than this one?
Which... which dress?
You know, this one.
(EXHALES)
I, uh... I don't know. (SNIFFS)
You don't know?
Because you've never
seen it on me before?
Or because you were looking at
my breasts when I took it off
and you didn't focus
on the dress? (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)
- That rhymes, too.
- Breasts, dress.
- Yes. (CHUCKLES)
Well, which is it?
What?
Okay, that's all I needed.
You can go now.
If you want.
(STAMMERS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna try on a third dress,
but this time, no peeking.
Okay.
- I said no peeking.
- I'm not!
Ho dare you look at me. Look away!
- I am!
- Jarod!
That's better.
So long as you're not looking,
it's okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Do you want some of that pizza?
No, thanks.
We're not gonna eat it, so.
If you're... if you're not gonna eat it,
why did you order it?
- (CHUCKLES) That's a good question.
- (MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE)
It's not that I don't like pizza.
I love it.
It's just...
when all you ever have is pizza...
you get tired of it.
Makes you want something new.
Something different.
And your... your husband,
how does he feel about pizza?
I don't think Scott's been
hungry in a long, long time.
In fact...
I don't think Scott would notice
if a nice piece of pizza
came right up and bit him.
(CHUCKLES)
Must be weird delivering pizza
to all these strange people.
Sometimes.
Have you ever had any
strange encounters?
Not really.
Well, I have a hard time believing that.
A guy like you...
Have you ever served pizza
to, say, a woman like me before?
I... I mean, I've served pizza before.
You have?
Yeah. Yeah, of course, yeah.
How many times?
Sure, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
A bunch. A bunch of times.
Interesting.
Experienced.
Yeah, a bunch of times.
You haven't answered my question.
What question?
Have you ever served pizza
to a woman like me before?
No, ma'am.
So, here we are.
So hungry.
(EXHALES)
Are you gonna bring
me that pizza or what?
I want that pizza, Jarod.
I ordered that pizza,
and now I'm ordering you
to bring me that pizza.
- (DOOR THUDS)
- Whew!
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Damn, it is cold out there.
Colder than a witch's titty.
Man! But I got it.
22-something and a huge tip for Jarod!
Could you have taken any longer, Scott?
What?
Wait, Jennifer, where are
you... where are you...
Jen, come back.
Don't!
- What did I say?
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Jeez, I went to the ATM. What...?
I mean... (SIGHS)
(SCOFFING)
Women, huh?
(SIGHS) You can't live with 'em...
Pass the Beer Nuts.
You got a girlfriend, Jarod?
Uh, no, thanks.
I... I really gotta get back to work.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You two sure know how to make
a guy feel good about himself.
It's like I come in, two
seconds, you're both running out
quicker than two
shakes of a lamb's tail.
I'm... I'm sorry. It's not personal.
I just really gotta get back to work.
I'm kidding. It's fine.
(SIGHS) It's fine.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I do kind of need the
money for the pizza.
(CHUCKLES)
Yes, money.
22-something, plus a tip,
which should be sizable
considering we've been
wasting your time lollygagging.
(PHONE CHIMES)
No, it's no problem.
Don't sweat it. (SNIFFS)
Ah, a text from Jennifer.
Probably apologizing as we speak.
Great.
How big of a tip were
you expecting, Jarod?
Excuse me?
Just curious what you
think I should tip you.
Just whatever you think
is appropriate is fine.
Well, I guess I don't... I
don't know what's customary...
- 10%, 20%?
- Sure, yeah, either one.
That'd... that'd be great. Thank you.
I guess it would help if I
understood what services you performed
so that I can get the amount right.
I delivered the pizza.
What kind of pizza?
- (SWALLOWS) The meat lovers.
- Right, meat lovers.
Right.
Did you provide any services
for my wife while I was gone?
- Not really.
- Really?
Nothing?
Uh... no.
'Cause it would seem
to me that the pizza,
which was on the table when I left,
is now... (WHISTLES)
on the bed instead.
Huh.
I guess...
- that is...
- Hey, that rhymes.
Instead, bed.
Did you deliver the meat
lovers to my wife on that bed?
Sort of.
Sort of?
Jarod, I am no expert in what you do,
but it would seem to me
either you did or did not
serve my wife the meat lover
on that bed.
Gosh, I have gotta get back to work.
- I got so many others to deliver.
- That would not be fair.
I wanna pay you for your services,
I just need to know what they were
so that I can give you the proper tip.
- Can I just go home?
- Not until I tip you.
(EXHALES)
- All right.
- (STAMMERING)
Let me put it this way...
how many times did you fuck my wife?
Oh... oh, my gosh, sir. I... I did not.
I would never.
What... what are you
saying, my wife is ugly?
- No, no.
- So, you're saying she's hot?
No, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
So, you just fuck anything,
then, right? Is that your deal?
You just go around
delivering meat lovers
pizzas willy-nilly wherever you go?
No, no, no, I did not say that.
- Didn't do it a second time?
- I didn't do a first time.
- Why not? She didn't ask you?
- No.
So, she asked you to fuck her?
Just give me the number, Jarod.
- Jarod!
- I didn't touch her! Ah!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Help!
Help! Help! Ow!
(GRUNTING) Help!
(WHIMPERING)
Ah!
(GRUNTING)
Help! Help!
Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. (PANTING)
(GROANING)
No, no, no!
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
- (CHIMES)
- (MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)
(PANTING)
Relax, Jarod.
Relax.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
In fact, I like you. (CHUCKLES)
I mean, that's the whole
"you know" of it all
is I liked you from the
second I opened that door.
So...
I'm gonna make it easy on you.
Either you tell me
the number of times you fucked my wife,
or...
I'm gonna beat the
living shit out of you.
Oh, my God.
Hmm?
♪ Ain't no two ways about it... ♪
- Need that number, Jarod.
- (WHIMPERS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Why are you... please stop.
Just give me that number. I
will give you your 22-something,
plus your fair tip.
There's no number, there's no number.
Help! Help, help!
- I will untie you...
- Help!
- ...and you can go back to work.
- Help! Help!
- Help! Oh, my God.
- (IMITATES WHIP)
- Partner.
- No, no! Ow!
- (GASPS)
- Huh?
- I didn't, I didn't, I didn't!
- I need that number, Jarod.
There's no number! I
swear, I didn't touch her!
I didn't touch her. I didn't touch her.
I didn't touch her! None!
I didn't do it! I didn't touch her!
(CRYING) I didn't touch
her. I didn't touch her.
(PANTING)
I'm not gonna get mad, okay?
I'm not.
I'm not gonna get mad.
(GASPS)
How many times?
- (SHUDDERS)
- (DOOR OPENS)
What are you doing?
- Ah, there she is.
- Help!
- Why is he tied up?
- He told me everything.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you play dumb with me, woman.
I know about the sucking and the fucking
and the long distance trucking.
The whole shebang, Mama Joe!
Help! Help! Untie me. He's gone crazy!
- Oh, I'm crazy?
- Yeah!
I leave the room for
seven fucking minutes
- and this is what happens...
- Scott.
- ...and I'm the crazy one.
- This is insane. Let him go.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- JAROD: You gotta call the police!
Help!
Shh, all right.
(PANTING)
(EXHALES, INHALES)
- I will let him go.
- Thank you.
(SIGHS)
But first,
- I will take down his pants...
- No!
- No! Help!
- ...assuming his meat lover
- doesn't smell like your meat lover...
- Help!
- ...I will let him go.
- Stop it! Enough!
- (EXHALES) Thank you.
- You told him about us?
What?
How could you?
Jarod: I didn't...
I didn't say anything.
That was special. That was just for us.
I didn't... I didn't say a
word. I didn't tell him anything.
- He's right, he didn't.
- There's nothing to tell!
- I figured it out.
- Oh, my God.
- I knew it.
- What do you expect, Scott?
I expected you to
honor our marriage vows
and not fuck the first pizza
boy who came through the door!
- You drove me to him!
- What?!
- But nothing happened!
- I go to Pilates, I do yoga!
What? (SCOFFS)
I even went to that goddamn
facialist you recommended.
- Again with the facialist!
- And you give me nothing!
You look at me like a used veneer
pine IKEA desk from craigslist!
Okay, Scott, Scott,
nothing happened, I swear.
- You goddamn slut.
- You selfish son of a bitch.
My mother told me I
was marrying a whore!
- You treat me like dirt!
- Showing your titties all over town!
- Now I'm gonna make you pay for it!
- (GRUNTS)
Okay, everybody just needs to calm down.
- (SCREAMS)
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
Guys. Guys!
Help! Somebody help!
- (JENNIFER GASPS)
- There's one of those slutty titties.
See that, Jarod? Huh?
- Wanna see the other one?
- No. No.
- No!
- (JENNIFER GRUNTS)
- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- There they are.
Look at 'em.
- Remember these, huh?
- No!
Remember when you fondled these titties
and broke my fragile heart?
I never fondled any titties. Help!
It's 'cause you wanted Scott
all along, isn't it, Jarod?
- Help! Wait.
- That's right.
You used me to get to Scott, didn't you?
- No!
- SCOTT: Yeah!
- Yeah, that's right.
- He used you to get to me.
That's what happened.
- JENNIFER: Yeah.
- Help! Help!
- JAROD: No!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHIMPERS)
- Over here, Jarod.
- It's what you wanted.
- SCOTT: Look over here.
- Here's your tip, meat lover.
- No, thanks.
- Look at me.
- Look at us, Jarod.
- Look at Daddy.
- Help! Somebody help!
- Look at Mommy! Oh, my God!
- Please help!
- BOTH: Oh, God!
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God!
- (MOANS)
- (MOANING)
- Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That was not half bad
for your first time.
(EXHALES)
- Bill.
- Sir?
You did a good job of
making me feel uneasy.
(CHUCKLES)
Where you lost me was
in the characterization.
I mean, you started off as this
somewhat cosmopolitan weirdo
and then digressed into this... I mean,
you tell me, buddy... a Southern dad?
It was all over the place.
Yeah, I had trouble
finding the character.
Make bold choices and stick with them.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, Lisa.
(WHISTLES)
- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
- (LIGHTER CLICKING)
We do have to talk about those breasts.
Sweetheart, I've been to the Louvre,
and those things are
the fucking Mona Lisa.
Thank you.
But I gotta say
I think your choice to show them to
me so soon after I came in the room,
that was a mistake.
'Cause here's what
you gotta understand...
most of our clients...
I mean, hell, all our clients...
are major voyeurs.
Okay?
So, I mean, you're
gonna wanna hold that off
for as long as you can.
- That's your trump card.
- Yes, sir.
Understood.
Mm!
Almost forgot.
What's this?
I... I thought this
was just an audition.
Well, you worked hard. You earned it.
- All righty.
- Great.
Get yourselves and
this place cleaned up.
Your first client will be here...
holy shit... any minute now.
We'll run the pizza boy sketch again.
Take my notes, implement them.
You're gonna do great.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(EXHALES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Just a second!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Be right there.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
(EXHALES)
Sorry about that. What do I owe you?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ I don't have to hang out ♪
♪ At some old redneck roadhouse ♪
♪ Spending up my money, shooting 'em down ♪
♪ 'Cause I found something better ♪
♪ Lord, I swear I never ♪
♪ Thought love could feel
as right as it feels now ♪
♪ Ain't no two ways about it ♪
♪ I can't live without it ♪
♪ Her love just gets sweeter every day ♪
♪ Oh, endless TLC ♪
♪ That's her philosophy ♪
♪ Ain't no two ways about it ♪
♪ She's the one for me. ♪
Room 104
1x02 "Pizza Boy"
August 5, 2017
Sorry about that. What do I owe you?
Uh, 22.42.
For one pizza?
(LAUGHS) By God.
Better be goddamn delicious.
Um, one second.
Come on, wallet.
I'm sorry, you could
come in and shut the door.
It's freezing out there.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry. Stupid
wallet. What's your name?
- Jarod.
- Jarod.
I am such a nincompoop. (CHUCKLES)
So, you probably got,
like, a hundred pizzas
in the car that need delivering, right?
Uh, no, it's fine. Just, you
know, need to get back when I can.
Man: Right. Come on, wallet. No!
Wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet,
wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet!
Ah, two seconds.
Make yourself at home.
Um...
Got it! All right.
22-something... son of a...
- (SIGHS)
- Oop.
Perfect time to run out of cash, right?
Look at me wasting your
time. The prime of your youth.
Sending you on a wild goose chase
for dollars that don't exist.
- It's fine.
- MAN: Honey.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah. Do you have any cash?
- You know I don't carry cash.
- I know you don't carry cash.
Why would you carry
cash when you just take
it from my wallet whenever you need it?
Um, all right, Jarod, here's the deal.
There's a cash machine down the street.
I will be back in four
minutes, five tops.
It's all right, you can trust me.
I'll even leave my wife
as collateral, all right?
Um, you know, you can
just call a credit card in.
No, no, no, that's silly
'cause then they tax your tip
'cause you have to declare it.
Believe me, I know the drill.
- I'll be right back.
- It's really not that...
- honestly, the card...
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Woman: Can I get your
help with something?
Sure.
In here.
Do you like this dress?
Uh, yes.
(CHUCKLES) That rhymes.
- What... what rhymes?
- Yes, dress.
Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
Yeah, it does, huh? (INHALES)
Did you prefer the other one?
What?
Did you like the other
dress I was wearing before
better than this one?
Which... which dress?
You know, this one.
(EXHALES)
I, uh... I don't know. (SNIFFS)
You don't know?
Because you've never
seen it on me before?
Or because you were looking at
my breasts when I took it off
and you didn't focus
on the dress? (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)
- That rhymes, too.
- Breasts, dress.
- Yes. (CHUCKLES)
Well, which is it?
What?
Okay, that's all I needed.
You can go now.
If you want.
(STAMMERS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna try on a third dress,
but this time, no peeking.
Okay.
- I said no peeking.
- I'm not!
Ho dare you look at me. Look away!
- I am!
- Jarod!
That's better.
So long as you're not looking,
it's okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Do you want some of that pizza?
No, thanks.
We're not gonna eat it, so.
If you're... if you're not gonna eat it,
why did you order it?
- (CHUCKLES) That's a good question.
- (MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE)
It's not that I don't like pizza.
I love it.
It's just...
when all you ever have is pizza...
you get tired of it.
Makes you want something new.
Something different.
And your... your husband,
how does he feel about pizza?
I don't think Scott's been
hungry in a long, long time.
In fact...
I don't think Scott would notice
if a nice piece of pizza
came right up and bit him.
(CHUCKLES)
Must be weird delivering pizza
to all these strange people.
Sometimes.
Have you ever had any
strange encounters?
Not really.
Well, I have a hard time believing that.
A guy like you...
Have you ever served pizza
to, say, a woman like me before?
I... I mean, I've served pizza before.
You have?
Yeah. Yeah, of course, yeah.
How many times?
Sure, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
A bunch. A bunch of times.
Interesting.
Experienced.
Yeah, a bunch of times.
You haven't answered my question.
What question?
Have you ever served pizza
to a woman like me before?
No, ma'am.
So, here we are.
So hungry.
(EXHALES)
Are you gonna bring
me that pizza or what?
I want that pizza, Jarod.
I ordered that pizza,
and now I'm ordering you
to bring me that pizza.
- (DOOR THUDS)
- Whew!
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Damn, it is cold out there.
Colder than a witch's titty.
Man! But I got it.
22-something and a huge tip for Jarod!
Could you have taken any longer, Scott?
What?
Wait, Jennifer, where are
you... where are you...
Jen, come back.
Don't!
- What did I say?
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Jeez, I went to the ATM. What...?
I mean... (SIGHS)
(SCOFFING)
Women, huh?
(SIGHS) You can't live with 'em...
Pass the Beer Nuts.
You got a girlfriend, Jarod?
Uh, no, thanks.
I... I really gotta get back to work.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You two sure know how to make
a guy feel good about himself.
It's like I come in, two
seconds, you're both running out
quicker than two
shakes of a lamb's tail.
I'm... I'm sorry. It's not personal.
I just really gotta get back to work.
I'm kidding. It's fine.
(SIGHS) It's fine.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I do kind of need the
money for the pizza.
(CHUCKLES)
Yes, money.
22-something, plus a tip,
which should be sizable
considering we've been
wasting your time lollygagging.
(PHONE CHIMES)
No, it's no problem.
Don't sweat it. (SNIFFS)
Ah, a text from Jennifer.
Probably apologizing as we speak.
Great.
How big of a tip were
you expecting, Jarod?
Excuse me?
Just curious what you
think I should tip you.
Just whatever you think
is appropriate is fine.
Well, I guess I don't... I
don't know what's customary...
- 10%, 20%?
- Sure, yeah, either one.
That'd... that'd be great. Thank you.
I guess it would help if I
understood what services you performed
so that I can get the amount right.
I delivered the pizza.
What kind of pizza?
- (SWALLOWS) The meat lovers.
- Right, meat lovers.
Right.
Did you provide any services
for my wife while I was gone?
- Not really.
- Really?
Nothing?
Uh... no.
'Cause it would seem
to me that the pizza,
which was on the table when I left,
is now... (WHISTLES)
on the bed instead.
Huh.
I guess...
- that is...
- Hey, that rhymes.
Instead, bed.
Did you deliver the meat
lovers to my wife on that bed?
Sort of.
Sort of?
Jarod, I am no expert in what you do,
but it would seem to me
either you did or did not
serve my wife the meat lover
on that bed.
Gosh, I have gotta get back to work.
- I got so many others to deliver.
- That would not be fair.
I wanna pay you for your services,
I just need to know what they were
so that I can give you the proper tip.
- Can I just go home?
- Not until I tip you.
(EXHALES)
- All right.
- (STAMMERING)
Let me put it this way...
how many times did you fuck my wife?
Oh... oh, my gosh, sir. I... I did not.
I would never.
What... what are you
saying, my wife is ugly?
- No, no.
- So, you're saying she's hot?
No, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
So, you just fuck anything,
then, right? Is that your deal?
You just go around
delivering meat lovers
pizzas willy-nilly wherever you go?
No, no, no, I did not say that.
- Didn't do it a second time?
- I didn't do a first time.
- Why not? She didn't ask you?
- No.
So, she asked you to fuck her?
Just give me the number, Jarod.
- Jarod!
- I didn't touch her! Ah!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Help!
Help! Help! Ow!
(GRUNTING) Help!
(WHIMPERING)
Ah!
(GRUNTING)
Help! Help!
Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. (PANTING)
(GROANING)
No, no, no!
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
- (CHIMES)
- (MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)
(PANTING)
Relax, Jarod.
Relax.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
In fact, I like you. (CHUCKLES)
I mean, that's the whole
"you know" of it all
is I liked you from the
second I opened that door.
So...
I'm gonna make it easy on you.
Either you tell me
the number of times you fucked my wife,
or...
I'm gonna beat the
living shit out of you.
Oh, my God.
Hmm?
♪ Ain't no two ways about it... ♪
- Need that number, Jarod.
- (WHIMPERS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Why are you... please stop.
Just give me that number. I
will give you your 22-something,
plus your fair tip.
There's no number, there's no number.
Help! Help, help!
- I will untie you...
- Help!
- ...and you can go back to work.
- Help! Help!
- Help! Oh, my God.
- (IMITATES WHIP)
- Partner.
- No, no! Ow!
- (GASPS)
- Huh?
- I didn't, I didn't, I didn't!
- I need that number, Jarod.
There's no number! I
swear, I didn't touch her!
I didn't touch her. I didn't touch her.
I didn't touch her! None!
I didn't do it! I didn't touch her!
(CRYING) I didn't touch
her. I didn't touch her.
(PANTING)
I'm not gonna get mad, okay?
I'm not.
I'm not gonna get mad.
(GASPS)
How many times?
- (SHUDDERS)
- (DOOR OPENS)
What are you doing?
- Ah, there she is.
- Help!
- Why is he tied up?
- He told me everything.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you play dumb with me, woman.
I know about the sucking and the fucking
and the long distance trucking.
The whole shebang, Mama Joe!
Help! Help! Untie me. He's gone crazy!
- Oh, I'm crazy?
- Yeah!
I leave the room for
seven fucking minutes
- and this is what happens...
- Scott.
- ...and I'm the crazy one.
- This is insane. Let him go.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- JAROD: You gotta call the police!
Help!
Shh, all right.
(PANTING)
(EXHALES, INHALES)
- I will let him go.
- Thank you.
(SIGHS)
But first,
- I will take down his pants...
- No!
- No! Help!
- ...assuming his meat lover
- doesn't smell like your meat lover...
- Help!
- ...I will let him go.
- Stop it! Enough!
- (EXHALES) Thank you.
- You told him about us?
What?
How could you?
Jarod: I didn't...
I didn't say anything.
That was special. That was just for us.
I didn't... I didn't say a
word. I didn't tell him anything.
- He's right, he didn't.
- There's nothing to tell!
- I figured it out.
- Oh, my God.
- I knew it.
- What do you expect, Scott?
I expected you to
honor our marriage vows
and not fuck the first pizza
boy who came through the door!
- You drove me to him!
- What?!
- But nothing happened!
- I go to Pilates, I do yoga!
What? (SCOFFS)
I even went to that goddamn
facialist you recommended.
- Again with the facialist!
- And you give me nothing!
You look at me like a used veneer
pine IKEA desk from craigslist!
Okay, Scott, Scott,
nothing happened, I swear.
- You goddamn slut.
- You selfish son of a bitch.
My mother told me I
was marrying a whore!
- You treat me like dirt!
- Showing your titties all over town!
- Now I'm gonna make you pay for it!
- (GRUNTS)
Okay, everybody just needs to calm down.
- (SCREAMS)
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
Guys. Guys!
Help! Somebody help!
- (JENNIFER GASPS)
- There's one of those slutty titties.
See that, Jarod? Huh?
- Wanna see the other one?
- No. No.
- No!
- (JENNIFER GRUNTS)
- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- There they are.
Look at 'em.
- Remember these, huh?
- No!
Remember when you fondled these titties
and broke my fragile heart?
I never fondled any titties. Help!
It's 'cause you wanted Scott
all along, isn't it, Jarod?
- Help! Wait.
- That's right.
You used me to get to Scott, didn't you?
- No!
- SCOTT: Yeah!
- Yeah, that's right.
- He used you to get to me.
That's what happened.
- JENNIFER: Yeah.
- Help! Help!
- JAROD: No!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHIMPERS)
- Over here, Jarod.
- It's what you wanted.
- SCOTT: Look over here.
- Here's your tip, meat lover.
- No, thanks.
- Look at me.
- Look at us, Jarod.
- Look at Daddy.
- Help! Somebody help!
- Look at Mommy! Oh, my God!
- Please help!
- BOTH: Oh, God!
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God!
- (MOANS)
- (MOANING)
- Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That was not half bad
for your first time.
(EXHALES)
- Bill.
- Sir?
You did a good job of
making me feel uneasy.
(CHUCKLES)
Where you lost me was
in the characterization.
I mean, you started off as this
somewhat cosmopolitan weirdo
and then digressed into this... I mean,
you tell me, buddy... a Southern dad?
It was all over the place.
Yeah, I had trouble
finding the character.
Make bold choices and stick with them.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, Lisa.
(WHISTLES)
- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
- (LIGHTER CLICKING)
We do have to talk about those breasts.
Sweetheart, I've been to the Louvre,
and those things are
the fucking Mona Lisa.
Thank you.
But I gotta say
I think your choice to show them to
me so soon after I came in the room,
that was a mistake.
'Cause here's what
you gotta understand...
most of our clients...
I mean, hell, all our clients...
are major voyeurs.
Okay?
So, I mean, you're
gonna wanna hold that off
for as long as you can.
- That's your trump card.
- Yes, sir.
Understood.
Mm!
Almost forgot.
What's this?
I... I thought this
was just an audition.
Well, you worked hard. You earned it.
- All righty.
- Great.
Get yourselves and
this place cleaned up.
Your first client will be here...
holy shit... any minute now.
We'll run the pizza boy sketch again.
Take my notes, implement them.
You're gonna do great.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(EXHALES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Just a second!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Be right there.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
(EXHALES)
Sorry about that. What do I owe you?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ I don't have to hang out ♪
♪ At some old redneck roadhouse ♪
♪ Spending up my money, shooting 'em down ♪
♪ 'Cause I found something better ♪
♪ Lord, I swear I never ♪
♪ Thought love could feel
as right as it feels now ♪
♪ Ain't no two ways about it ♪
♪ I can't live without it ♪
♪ Her love just gets sweeter every day ♪
♪ Oh, endless TLC ♪
♪ That's her philosophy ♪
♪ Ain't no two ways about it ♪
♪ She's the one for me. ♪