Ronny Chieng: International Student (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Guest: (N.) Someone Who Leaves. - full transcript

Morning... everyone,

and welcome to your
first day of law school.

- I'm Ronny.
- I'm Asher.

Law...

is about conflict.

Argh!

I want you to write 1,000
words on conflict resolution,

based on my book, which is
not available in bookstores.

I've got an idea.

How about none of you get the
book and all of you fail?

You, uh, like to wrap
the old laughing gear



round a couple of frothies?

What?!

His family have won the drinking
contest for three generations.

I'll enter a team to play against you,

and if we win, you
give us the text book.

- You have a drinking team?
- Yes.

You guys have one hour to sober up.

Personally, I would recommend a kebab.

Followed by a long vomit.

- What's your team name?
- Uh, I don't know. Guys?

I don't give a fuck.

I'll put that down for now but
you might want to workshop it.

Yesterday, I got off a plane

really looking forward to
studying in your country.



Now, today, to do an assignment,

I have to drink beer faster
than a bunch of idiots.

Oh, go, you good thing!

Are you sure you don't want to
go hang out with your friends?

I think I am hanging out with my friend.

International Student
S01xE01 Air Date 07 June 2017
Someone Who Leaves.

Uh, so, this is the front door.

And this is the rec room.

- Hmm.
- Hey, guys.

This is the mah-jong table.

Ho!

Ooh...

And this is the bathroom!

Oh, shit, Sorry, Joderick.

Joderick?

Like Jon plus Derrick?

And this is the kitchen.

And that's International House.

Thanks for the tour!

Is it okay that I'm here?

- Yeah. Of course.
- I just don't want to intrude.

You're not intruding. You're my guest.

What the fuck is she doing here?

Hi, Elvin. Good to see you again.

Who give you permission
to bring the guest?

- You think this hotel, huh?
- I live here.

I can bring whatever guests I want.

Why are you so scared of
expanding your social circle?

That's how it start.

You let one tourist in,
then they all start coming.

Next thing you know, you be colonised.

What are you talking about?

That's what happened in
Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore.

You should know that.

Hello?

Is that another one of your guests?

I don't know!

Can I help you?

Uh, Karen Ford, Student Administrator?

Oh, hi, Karen.

This is Craig, the American
international student

who was supposed to be here last week.

He won't be late again, will he?

No, ma'am. Hey, guys!

Psyched to be down here in Australia.

- It's gonna be awesome.
- Hey.

Can someone show him around?

Do we get extra credit for it?

- No.
- Well, then, why I do?

I'll show him around.

It's always nice to meet new people!

- Hey, I'm Ronny.
- Craig Cooper

- I'm Asher.
- Hey. How are you?

Okay. Craig's in room 310.

And remember, keep it
considerate in here. Okay?

Okay. Will do.

So, how are you one week late?

I know, right?

Yeah. You... you should.

Man, I'm telling you, that
flight was crazy awful.

- Take off your shoes!
- Take off your shoes!

You're practically shitting
in the house right now.

Sorry. Sorry. So...

This is how you do things in
the international frat, huh?

Yeah, it's not a frat. It's more
like student accommodation.

Let me show you around.
This is the front door.

This is the rec room.

This is the mah-jong table.

Going for shi San yao! Nice.

Oooh.

And this is the bathroom.

Oh, goddammit, Joderick!

Learn to close the door.

- Hey.
- Hello.

And this is the kitchen.

Wow. Sweet digs.

Hey!

This is not a knife!

This is a knife!

Am I right?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, what's this? Food?

- Is this communal?
- That's not for sharing!

- I make that!
- Oh!

My God!

Did you make this?

Delicious! So light and flaky!

If I have a birthday,
you're making the cake!

Stop touching my tarts!

Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, man.

Don't worry, Craig. Some
people are just unwelcoming.

Let me show you to your room.

Sure thing.

Fucking colonists.

So, what's the mix here
at International House?

Any Brazilians? Russians?
Colombians, right?

Not exactly.

And what was that dessert
I had? It was awesome.

Oh, that was an egg tart.

Yeah, yeah, but what was it made of?

Uh... egg?

Man! I did not know egg
could taste like that.

Hope I wasn't pissin' that guy off?

Oh, you probably were, but
I wouldn't worry about it.

Everyone does eventually.

Well, I mean is there anything I can do?

I don't want to rock the boat here.

Yeah, you could just try
talking a little softer.

Oh. Got it.

Drop the decibels. Don't upset the frat.

Also, it's not a frat.

310 right?

Right. This is you, man!

Nice!

Ow!

Ohh!

Whoo! So, this is where the
magic happens. Am I right?

Are you... talking about sex?

You're damn right I am.

So... how many people do you
think are gonna come tonight?

- What to your dick?
- No! Here.

To the party.

I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to study!

Okay, first of all, I don't
know how far a mile is,

and second of all, you
cannot have a party here.

- It's against college rules.
- Yeah. Can you imagine?

Elvin would lose it.

Okay. What if I had just a few guests?

Well, yeah, you can have a few guests.

Like, anyone who lives
here can have guests.

Great. Okay, I'll ask a few guests.

- Yeah, what... what does that mean?
- You know...

Just a few guests. Definitely
not having a party.

Yeah, you don't have to air quote that.

You can have a few guests,
but you cannot have a party.

I don't know how to
make this any clearer.

I got you. No party.

I don't know why you're touching
your nose, but I don't like it.

Man, just having a few
friends, not having a party

and this place is definitely not a frat.

Yes, there is no double meaning here.

You cannot have a party.

And no more than two guests.

I got it!

You say that but I feel like you don't?

Man... I totally hear you.

Fuck!

Oh... my... God! These
egg tarts are awesome!

Elvin should sell these for money!

Yeah, if there is a kitchen
left to make them in.

I specifically told Craig
not to have a party!

It's not that bad.

At least everyone's obeying
the no-shoes rule!

Yeah, sure, no shoes but feel
free to vomit in the rice cooker!

Come on! You're always complaining...

- Sorry. It's too loud.
- About how insular.

- Turn it down man. It's too loud.
- International students are.

And now you've got a bunch
of outside guests here

to experience your culture.

- Craig...
- Yo, sick party, bro.

How good's this...
'shwang ching Lao hua...'?

It's shao hsing cooking wine.

And you shouldn't drink it.
It's very high alcohol content.

Oh, is it? Hey, what... what do you
call these? They're delicious!

Those are Elvin's egg tarts.

'Owin yeeg duart'... 'duart'?

Sure. Close enough.

I hope you asked him for
permission before you ate them.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

- Yo. Craig!
- Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

See! I told you this would happen!

You bring in one guest,
next thing you know...

Yeah, yeah. I know. Colonisation!

They spoil our resource and
corrupt our tradition!

And someone steal all my egg tarts!

Who allowed Craig to bring
all the guests, huh?

Okay. I'll go talk to him. All right?

Yo, Craig! I very clearly
said no more than two guests!

Do you not speak English or something?

Ronny!

No, hey... No, no, I can
read between the lines, man.

- Back at my old frat, we used to...
- This isn't a frat!

You've got to ask
everyone to leave! Now!

Okay. I think I got a solution.

Everyone!

Hey, hey!

Hey! Check, one, two!

- Hey, everybody, listen up!
- Uno momento.

Craig's got something important to say!

Shh!

Okay.

Now, it's come to my attention
that some people here

don't like the party.

But... some people do.

Now, I didn't fly 8,000 miles

to not have a good time.

Thanks, Joe-Derrick.

What the hell is... Joe-Derrick doing?

Okay, so, how about everyone
who doesn't want to party

go to the north side of the house, okay?

And those who want to have a good time,

come over here to the south.

Yeah! Cheers!

See? This is exactly
what happened back home.

They turn the south against the north.

Craig! Yo! Craig!

You gotta stop this party, man!

Look, I know you want us
to stop the party, okay?

But if we do it too soon, it's gonna
cause instability in the house.

- What?!
- So...

I propose a gradual exit strategy.

I promise...

there'll be a full
withdrawal by the morning.

That sounds perfectly reasonable!

Turn down for one!

No! No.

Get off the raft!

Go back! Go back to where you come from!

No! You're not...

Stay! Stay in the south!

Good job on showing Craig around.

What you say, huh?

Welcome to International House.
Feel free to fucking destroy it!

How is this my fault?

Whoo! Awesome night.

Ronny! Thanks for letting me
ask a few guests over, man.

It was more than a few guests.

Yeah!

You think?

Oh, and don't worry about
these guys on the floor here.

I just thought it'd be
easier for them to stay

than go home before the party.

You mean after the party.

No, before the actual party.

That thing last night,
it was just a pre-party.

The real party is tonight.

You colonised us. And
you let this happen.

No, no, no. It's not colonisation.

It's globalisation.

Cross-cultural exchange
at its best, man.

No, no, this American
cultural imperialism.

And we taking our independence back.

- Wait, are you guys kicking me out?
- Yes.

Whoa. I'm sorry.

Maybe we just got off on
the wrong foot, okay?

- Was it that egg tart thing?
- It's the whole thing!

Come on, just look me
in the eye and tell me

you didn't have a good time last night.

We didn't have a good time last night.

We had a terrible time last night.

- It was awful.
- It was okay.

Listen, man, after flying 8,000 miles,

wouldn't you rather go to a place

that not only accepts your
partying but, like, celebrates it?

Some place you can be as loud
and as disgusting as you want.

Where would I go?

Morning! Sick parties, brah!

Whoo!

I don't know. Maybe stay with Mick.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

There's heaps of room at Bradman House.

It's rad fun! Party never stops.

There's a party tonight.

But be warned.

This is Australia, mate.

We go... hard.

Dude... I go super-hard.

We go rock hard, mate.

Like a diamond on Viagra hard.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I go so hard, if I was in a car crash,

my dick would survive
intact, still hard.

Then you could use my dick

to cut the other survivors
out of the wreckage.

Okay.

That's pretty hard.

Okay, you're both really hard.

Just grab yourselves by
the dicks and get out.

Get... out!

Goddamn, they everywhere.

Hello?

No more guests!

Yeah, the party's o...

Shit.

Mrs Fern?

Ford.

Karen Ford.

Do you have any idea how many
university conduct guidelines

your little party violated last night?

Yeah, about that, so that...

10. 10 violations.

Unauthorised, "sick bitchin'",
"totally lit" parties

are a violation of your
college occupancy agreements,

and they're extremely
inconsiderate to other students.

I couldn't agree more.

It was incredibly inconsiderate

for that American student
you brought here yesterday

to organise this party
without our permission.

You mean Craig?

Yeah.

He's the one who's 100%
responsible for this.

Actually, Ronny let him have the party.

I said he could have two guests.

Two guests? That's how parties start!

That's what I say. That's what I said.

So, where is Craig?

Oh, yeah, he went with this guy, Mick.

He's got, like, no sleeves.

Oh, I see.

Easy to blame the person who's
not here to defend themselves.

Uh... actually, it's easy
to blame the person

who's totally responsible
for something, yes.

Whatever it is, you can
explain the whole thing

to the Student Conduct Board.

Oh... But we the victim of colonisation.

Anyone who is in my line
of vision right now,

I want to see you at the
Conduct Board tomorrow, 1pm.

Too late. I saw you.

Yeah, but what about Craig?

Well, bring Craig along to the hearing

and then we will get
to the bottom of this.

Okay. We'll bring Craig and
you can talk to him yourself.

We've got nothing to hide.

Aagh!

See? Nothing to hide.

I think I've broken my clavicle.

Good!

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

That party was crazy!

- How's the clean-up?
- We keep finding people in cracks.

Yo, Craig got us in a lot of trouble
with that party last night.

- Have you seen him?
- No.

I don't think he's here.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Mum.

- Hi, Ronny. Where are you?
- I'm in class right now, actually.

Are you spending all your time
playing video games and partying?

No.

Some people just don't know how
to behave themselves, lah,

when they move away from
home for the first time.

Yeah, I think I'm old enough to
have self-discipline, okay, Mum?

Remember when you were little
and we went to Disneyland?

And you like it so much,
you refuse to leave?

Yeah, you slapped the shit out
of me in front of everyone.

It hurt me more than it
hurt you! But it worked!

You know, you can't solve
every problem with a child

by beating the shit out of them.

You say that now, lah. Wait
till you have kids of your own.

Yeah, well, I'm never
gonna do that to my kids.

You have kids? When? What did
I tell you about pregnancy?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure you can't
get pregnant through the ass.

- Right? So, don't worry about it.
- What?! Ronny!

- What you talking about?!
- Mum, I gotta go, okay?

- Class is starting. Love you. Bye.
- Ronny?! Don't you dare!

- Bye. Bye. Bye.
- Ronny! Where...?

Is that true?

Oh, yeah, I saw a movie about it once.

- There's no ovaries in the anus.
- No.

- About your mum slapping you?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

With Chinese people, you get in
trouble for not beating your kids.

Morning, everybody.

Property law. More
specifically, forced eviction.

Now...

they say a man's home is his castle.

But what happens if a man comes home

and finds all of the locks on his castle

have been changed in his absence,

all of his possessions are
strewn across the front lawn

in some sort of statement of
finality by his soon-to-be ex-wife?

Am I then legally entitled to
scale the perimeter of my castle?

Well, am I?!

Um... Uh...

Uh... No?

And that was the opinion of the police.

Last night.

So, where's Craig, huh? The
hearing's at one o'clock!

He must be at Bradman House.

So, where's Bradman House?

It must be on campus. We'll just
go to colleges and figure it out.

It's not on campus.

What?

It's a share house on Drummond Street,

filled with degenerate students

who have been kicked out of colleges

for waging a constant war
against hygiene and sobriety.

Why are you looking for that place?

Oh, we had an American
international student

who turned our college into a
frat party, so we sent him there.

You ever set fire to a
giant pile of tyres?

Uh, no, not lately.

The rubber...

fuels the fire,

and it sucks in all the
pure oxygen from around

and belches out poisonous smoke

that kills everything
that comes near it.

That's Bradman House.

Okay, that's cool, but I
actually really need those notes.

Sending a bloody American frat boy

to live with a lot of
hard-drinking Australians...

that's like pouring
kerosene onto a tyre fire.

Uh...

Should someone be putting that out?

No! Let it burn.

All right, I'm gonna go
get Craig. Who's with?

I'll come. I can handle
hard-drinking Australians.

I'll come too. I think
you need the backup.

No, no, no, no. no.

I'm not going anywhere near there.

But tell him I want my egg tarts back.

Yo, just make some new ones, man.

Do I look like a fucking bakery?

Okay.

I'm gonna take a wild guess
and say that's Bradman House.

Are you eating egg tarts?

I'm sorry. I didn't have lunch.

- Do you have any more?
- Yeah!

- They are amazing!
- I know!

What does he put in them?

Eggs! It's just eggs.

- Try some.
- No. Let's go.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think my mum was right.

This is what happens when you
live without self-discipline

and no one tells you when to stop.

Oh, hey, man, come on in.

Welcome to the party. Welcome, welcome.

Hey, Mick. Is everyone okay here?

Okay?

Everyone's great, man.

This is the sickest party ever.

Okay, whatever.

Please don't tag me on Facebook.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not Facebook

it's Snapchat.

It's... it's in the now.

Snapchat's the now.

It's here one minute and
then it's gone. You know?

It's living in the present.

No future. No past.

Only the now.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Sure. We're all here, looking for Craig.

Oh, no, no, no. He's our guest.

Don't you understand?

Yeah. I know what guests are.

They're great, but
guests eventually leave.

Oh, no, no, no.

Craig's different, man. He's a genius.

He combined beer pong, keg
stands and boat races, man.

He figured out USA and AUS
use the same letters, man!

We're the same, man!

We're the same...

Okay. Where is he?

I don't know.

Is he in here?

He's not going anywhere, man.

- Look, I just need to speak to him.
- I said... he's not going anywhere!

Hang on a minute.

Is that an...

'yeeg deyart'?

Can I have a bite? They're delicious.

I'm so hungry!

Wait, Wei Jun, how many
egg tarts do you have?

Um, I don't know. Just a couple.

Whoa!

You're the one who took
all of Elvin's egg tarts?

I'm sorry! I only meant to take one!

But they're so light and fluffy,

I couldn't stop myself.

All right. Everybody listen up.

Hey, everybody. Yo!

Listen up, everyone. Hey...

I have a bag of egg tarts.

- Huh?
- What?

All right, fine.

'Yeeg... durrrts'!

- Ah!
- Oh, yeah!

I don't want any of you.

I just want the American.

He's inside. Last room on the left.

All right let's go. This
ain't gonna last long.

Come on.

Guys?

- Come on!
- Oh...

- We'll hang here and hand them out.
- Mmm!

Craig?

Hey, Craig?

You in here?

Craig?

Craig...

Craig?

Craig, is that you?

Where are you from?

It's Ronny from International House.

I lived there once.

Yeah, yesterday.

Remember you had a party there
that almost destroyed the place

after you specifically told
me you would not do that!

What do you want?

Listen we all got into a lot of
trouble because of that party,

so we need you to come with
us now to clear our names.

Why would I leave this place?

Everyone's having such a good time.

That's all I want.

For people to always have a good time.

Yeah, but are you... still
having a good time, Craig?

I always have a good time.

Right.

Listen, you can't only
have good times, okay?

You also need bad times.

If you just have good times,

how will you even know
you're having a good time?

They all just become the same time.

- Right, let's go.
- I don't want to leave.

The party isn't over.

Craig, let's go, right now.

No.

What are you gonna do about it?

Something my mum would
have done a long time ago.

Aaaah!

No! Aaah!

Aaah! Oh!

The horror! The horror!

Aah!

Ronny! Stop!

Violence is never the answer!

Okay, look, I know this looks bad

but sometimes controlled violence
with good intentions is the answer.

Aaah! Aaah!

Wait! Wait!

I know that smell.

Yeah!

Remember? Egg tarts. Do you want some?

So exotic and delicious!

Do you have any more?

Yeah.

Uh, there is a lot more where that
came from. Just come with us.

What are these egg
tarts made from again?

Aaah! Aaah!

Aaah!

Egg! Egg!

Egg! It's egg!

You... mother... fucker!

Craig Cooper,

did you hold a party
at International House

that violated the rules
regarding public indecency,

vandalism, environmental
pollution, noise pollution

and ethical treatment of animals?

That sounds about right.

Okay.

These are very serious offences.

As punishment...

I give you one official warning.

Three warnings and you could face

the Student Disciplinary Action Board.

So, what you're saying is I
could have one more party

before I get three strikes?

- Yes.
- Awesome!

Okay, the rest of you,
you're in the clear.

- Oh!
- Thank you.

Okay, very good, thank you very much.

Craig, you may return
to International House.

Don't cause any more trouble there.

Don't worry, he won't,
because we kick him out.

What do you mean?

We all agree he have to go
because he too American.

Uh, you do realise you have
absolutely no authority to do that.

In fact...

that constitutes a level three
ethnic discrimination violation,

the penalty of which

is one official warning to all of you.

No!

But my record was spotless!

Oh, that's it?

That actually sounded like
a pretty serious charge.

Whew! Well...

looks like I'm back.

Totally my bad for culturally
colonising you guys.

You're right.

I didn't fly 8,000 miles
just to do American things.

You mean you didn't
fly 12,000 kilometres

just to do American things.

Yeah. Stop being so American!

Hang on. Didn't you guys just come
all the way to Australia from Asia

and just live exactly
like you do back home?

What? No!

We experience Australian culture!

I spend so much more time in the sun!
Look at my tan.

Yeah, okay.

Just on that, what is
the maximum number of guests

I can invite to International House?

Zero!

This whole thing prove we can't
just open up International House

for whatever guests come in,

because they start flooding in
and destroy our way of life?

From now on, we need strict vetting
for every guest that come in.

Okay, okay, so what I'm
hearing is two guests each.

No, man. No more guests.

All right, I got you.

No, there's no non-verbal
communication here.

No guests, no parties, nothing.

Ronny, Ronny, I totally hear you man.

Don't touch your nose! No! Zero.
Are you kidding me?!

We just went through a fucking
thing 'cause you wouldn't listen!

- What about a small gathering?
- No!

- A quiet soiree?
- Craig, I swear to God!

Two days till
we play the medical students!

And I am not gonna lose to those
soft cocks for a third year running.

Why is Dale coaching?

Because it makes him happy?

Do some bloody work!

So, you can just knee
someone in the face?

You can do anything
if you mark the ball.

What's a mark?

Honestly what is anything
that's going on?

- Wait, you play chapteh?
- Do you guys play?

Why are none of you
people on my footy team?

This is gonna revolutionise the game.

Okay, so, how exactly are these
blow-ins supposed to help us win?

You can't tackle a player
who's not holding the ball.

Where the hell are Ronny and Elvin?

I've been trying to call them all
morning and I can't even get a ring.

I don't know what
the law team are doing.

But whatever it is, it is not working.

If anyone knows where Ronny
and Elvin are, get them!