Romantic Getaway (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
Deacon and Allison fall deeper into the underworld when they seize an opportunity to pay their blackmailer.
This programme contains very
strong language from the outset
and throughout.
We robbed our boss, A1.
Right now, your tiny
thimble of sperm
Right now, your tiny
thimble of sperm
is being mixed with my
underperforming eggs
and we could be parents soon.
Oh my God! They've fertilised
five eggs! That's incredible!
Oh my God! They've fertilised
five eggs! That's incredible!
So, Esme, how is
the job hunt going?
I was doing a bit
of work for Jed.
The stolen car game,
it's pretty solid.
Now you need to hand your
laptop in straightaway!
Now you need to hand your
laptop in straightaway!
It's gone. That feels
a bit suspicious.
This has been escalated to an
official fraud investigation,
so YOU shall be seeing
a lot more of ME.
So YOU shall be seeing
a lot more of ME.
If that is Kethan, you
tell him to take that bag
when he gets it,
lube it up and -
Come on!
Come on!
What's the time? 9:03, same
as it was 30 seconds ago.
Shall we put some music on?
We're not teenagers
at Lookout Point.
We're waiting for a blackmailer.
I could keep asking the
time over and over again...
I could keep asking the
time over and over again...
OK, put something on.
Maybe just silence.
Oh yeah, sure. OK.
Maybe just silence.
Oh yeah, sure. OK.
Oh! Is that them? No,
it's the IVF clinic.
They want us to come for our
embryo transfer tomorrow at five.
They want us to come for our
embryo transfer tomorrow at five.
Oh, my God. This time
tomorrow we could be pregnant.
What if... Oh, my God,
what if two eggs take?
HA! We'll have to
commit another robbery.
HA! We'll have to
commit another robbery.
Is that them?
No, that's only Sally. What
the hell is she doing here?
No, that's only Sally. What
the hell is she doing here?
Why is she walking over to the
car? Why is she getting IN the car?
Hello. Hello, Sally.
Very nice to see you,
but we're actually waiting
for somebody, so -Oh, I know.
What do you mean? I
know what you did.
What do you mean? I
know what you did.
Holy shit, that was...
This is the blackmailer?
I love you, but that's
been really obvious
I love you, but that's
been really obvious
since she got in
the car. Keep up.
I knew something was going on
cos Deacon had been flapping
about like a pelican on speed,
pulling sickies, and you were
creeping round the office
pulling sickies, and you were
creeping round the office
after hours, so I
checked the accounts.
Sally... I've kept my head down
at that company for 20 years,
Sally... I've kept my head down
at that company for 20 years,
put up with nonsense from Alfie that
makes me too look like Paw Patrol.
All I ever wanted was
a quiet retirement.
Where are you thinking?
Somewhere on the South coast?
Where are you thinking?
Somewhere on the South coast?
Sliders Resort, Jamaica.
Like Sandals, only more explicitly
erotic for the mature traveller.
Like Sandals, only more explicitly
erotic for the mature traveller.
My new fella is from that
part of the world. Tron says -
Tron? Are you fucking
a sci-fi movie?
No, he's my 26-year-old
Jamaican boyfriend.
No, he's my 26-year-old
Jamaican boyfriend.
Tron says, why get tied
up in police red tape
when I could be lying in
the sun, sipping Bacardi,
when I could be lying in
the sun, sipping Bacardi,
while he works cocoa butter
into my stretch marks?
So what do you want? £50,000.
So what do you want? £50,000.
50 grand, Sally? How much cocoa
butter does your arse need?
I think 10% is a fair
compromise to avoid prison.
I think 10% is a fair
compromise to avoid prison.
10%? Well, we only took
50 grand, you lunatic.
Sally, you really are shit
at accounts, you know that?
The Fairhaven account is
missing half a million pounds.
The Fairhaven account is
missing half a million pounds.
What? I was gonna tell you.
What? You took half a million pounds
and you didn't think to tell me?
I absolutely did want to tell you,
but I just couldn't find the time.
Well, what about just now before
this greedy bitch got in the car?
Well, what about just now before
this greedy bitch got in the car?
Can I assume from my end,
though, blackmail admin complete?
Yes, Sally, you can go and tell
Transformer you've done your job.
Yes, Sally, you can go and tell
Transformer you've done your job.
How could you lie about this?
Who even are you? 500 grand?
How could you lie about this?
Who even are you? 500 grand?
I did it for us. You had the nerve
to tell me I couldn't buy a handbag
because it would
arouse attention!
Do you know what arouses
attention more than a handbag?
Do you know what arouses
attention more than a handbag?
Half a million pounds. That's a
big arousal, Deacon, full hard-on.
I know, but I opened up the account,
there was so much money in there.
He said he couldn't
pay our bonuses
He said he couldn't
pay our bonuses
and then I look and there's
over a million quid.
It just felt like
the right thing.
I hope it still feels like the
right thing in the prison showers.
Look, Allison...
Who's going to prison?
Look, Allison...
Who's going to prison?
Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Esme, what the fuck? Relax! We're
doing some work for Big Dom.
Esme, what the fuck? Relax! We're
doing some work for Big Dom.
You're taking serial
numbers off car parts.
Honestly, it's barely illegal.
Oh, good1 Please explain to
me how this is not illegal!
Oh, good1 Please explain to
me how this is not illegal!
Well, BD runs a chop shop, so
people take in boosted sports cars
and then we do a
few modifications
and he smuggles them out of the
country in some big transporter.
And he smuggles them out of the
country in some big transporter.
He's like a smaller version of
the WeBuyAnyCar guy. You know him?
Esme, when I suggested you
move away from Only Fans,
Esme, when I suggested you
move away from Only Fans,
I stupidly hoped you'd try
something, I don't know, legal.
Look, we are talking
high-end sports cars.
Do you know the sort of
people who drive those?
Do you know the sort of
people who drive those?
Rich old white dudes. 1%.
Victimless crime. No, it's not.
You just don't like the victims.
These cars are fully insured,
we're basically Robin Hood, baby.
These cars are fully insured,
we're basically Robin Hood, baby.
My baby. Yeah!
Esme, I'm worried. What?
That I'll turn out like you?
Esme, I'm worried. What?
That I'll turn out like you?
Fine, fuck your life up.
I fucking will. Fuck!
Can I just ask, is
Big Dom called Big Dom
Can I just ask, is
Big Dom called Big Dom
cos he's objectively big,
or is there a smaller Dom?
Did you talk to Kethan
about the Sally thing?
There's no problem with us
getting the money, is there?
I hope not, although he did ask
me to meet him at his golf club.
Why can't he just
transfer the money again?
Why can't he just
transfer the money again?
I think he just wants to show off
his fancy club, invite me to brunch,
although he called it
"luckfast" cos he's a prick.
Call in sick for me too.
I'm coming to luckfast.
Call in sick for me too.
I'm coming to luckfast.
Why? Don't you trust me? I do,
I just don't wanna find out a week from
now it's a million pounds or something.
I'm not angry, I'm just...
Disappointed. I get it.
I'm not angry, I'm just...
Disappointed. I get it.
Which is actually worse.
We'll work it out.
I just wish you hadn't lied.
Yeah, I know.
Now I have to eat pineapple
cores cos the IVF form says
they're anti-inflammatory and
good for the embryo transfer.
I am a selfless hero,
making concessions,
sacrificing my body, soon
to be a sacred vessel.
What did you do?
Ejaculate once, yeah.
By the way, don't eat
too many pineapples
By the way, don't eat
too many pineapples
because I read somewhere
that pineapple eats you
when you're eating it, like
there's some sort of molecule in it
that dissolves you, so... What
the fuck are you going on about?
That dissolves you, so... What
the fuck are you going on about?
Oh, nothing.
Alfie, Allison and I have had
a bit of a relapse healthwise,
so we're not gonna
be coming in today.
NO!
Alfie, you can't say no, we've
got serious stomach problems.
I don't care if your arse
is spewing liquid magma,
I don't care if your arse
is spewing liquid magma,
you're gonna be in
that board room at 4pm.
You're my back-up, yeah?
And anything I
tell 'em, be my bez
And anything I
tell 'em, be my bez
and shake your little
support maracas,
because it's YOU
missing YOUR interview
that has turned this into
a fraud investigation.
That has turned this into
a fraud investigation.
Sorry, Alfie, did you
say fraud investigation?
Alfie? Alfie?
Alfie? Alfie?
Why do we have to meet here?
Everyone looks like ET.
Why do we have to meet here?
Everyone looks like ET.
I feel most comfortable
around the least wanted.
Being a brown in a
golf club like this,
Being a brown in a
golf club like this,
it makes me feel like a UNICORN!
What the bloody hell
are YOU looking at?
Nothing. Are the brown men in
your golf club being too loud?
Nothing. Are the brown men in
your golf club being too loud?
Oh, I do apologise, we will try
to talk quietly for the white man.
That's not what I
was - Turn around.
Beautiful brown
unicorns are talking!
Beautiful brown
unicorns are talking!
Look, all we have to do
is give Sally the cash
and she will disappear, OK? We're not
talking about a hardened criminal.
And she will disappear, OK? We're not
talking about a hardened criminal.
We're talking about a
sex-starved old lady.
Yeah, Kethan, all we're
asking for is our money.
And I keep telling you, the money
is in the system getting cleaned.
And I keep telling you, the money
is in the system getting cleaned.
That takes time.
If you wanted instant
access to your funds,
you should have met
with Barclays, innit?
Well. maybe you could just
give us - Ooh, no, no, no.
Well. maybe you could just
give us - Ooh, no, no, no.
Do not ask me for a loan. Hm?
I'm already doing you a favour.
You don't ask someone who is doing
you a favour for another favour.
You don't ask someone who is doing
you a favour for another favour.
That's disgusting.
Uncle, please...
Don't "please" me,
you fucking idiot.
What do you think
is gonna happen
when this Sally has
shagged all the money away?
When this Sally has
shagged all the money away?
You think she's gonna go, "Oh,
that was fun while it lasted"?
Or do you think she's gonna say, "Mm, why don't
I make another withdrawal from the twat bank?"?
Or do you think she's gonna say, "Mm, why don't
I make another withdrawal from the twat bank?"?
Hm?
If this Sally is
offering you ultimatums,
If this Sally is
offering you ultimatums,
you have to deal with her.
Or I will. Sorry,
do you mean...?
Or I will. Sorry,
do you mean...?
This isn't Goodfellas,
you penis. But yeah.
Your choice. Either you do
it or I do, but much worse.
Your choice. Either you do
it or I do, but much worse.
Oh, and there will be a horrible
mess. Now, off you fuck.
But uncle, we - Off you fuck.
But uncle, we - Off you fuck.
Maybe we don't have to kill Sally
if we can pay her off some other way
and get her out of the country
before Kethan gets to her,
and get her out of the country
before Kethan gets to her,
cos that's what she wants. Yes,
because that's what we've learned,
that stealing 50 grand
has few consequences.
Er, 500 grand. Oh, watch out.
Take care of it, will you?
I can't believe that
prick thinks I'm a valet.
Maybe you are.
What do you mean?
Maybe you are.
What do you mean?
Robin Hood, baby.
You're not suggesting
we steal this car?
Deacon, that prick assumed you were
the valet and gave you his keys.
Deacon, that prick assumed you were
the valet and gave you his keys.
Not only would you be helping us
out, you'd be teaching him a lesson.
Right, and what is that lesson?
If you give a brown man your
keys, he'll steal you car?
You said "How am are
we gonna get 50 grand?"
And then a racist gave you
a Ferrari. It's like fate.
So that's a viable defence in
court, is it? Look, Mr Half a Mil,
So that's a viable defence in
court, is it? Look, Mr Half a Mil,
I don't know if you spotted it, but we
are in a tricky situation right now,
where we either have to wait
for Kethan to kill Sally,
or do it ourselves.
So I don't know which one
of those options you fancy.
So I don't know which one
of those options you fancy.
Firing squad? Guillotine?
OK... Let's steal this car.
OK... Let's steal this car.
Babe! Yeah? You're
going like 8mph.
Babe! Yeah? You're
going like 8mph.
There's no point in trying to
sell a damaged car, is there?
I did not think the main emotion I had
after stealing a car would be embarrassment.
I did not think the main emotion I had
after stealing a car would be embarrassment.
What's that bloody
valet doing with my car?
What's that bloody
valet doing with my car?
He's nicking my car!
Hey! Oh shit.
Look. What? What?
Deacon, Deacon, put
your foot down! OK.
Huh!
Huh!
Now you've stalled it.
Get out, I'll drive.
It's actually a
difficult car to drive,
just so you know. You fucking
touch my car and I'll kill you!
Just so you know. You fucking
touch my car and I'll kill you!
Fucking hell. Allison, go!
Go, go! We should just swap!
Move, go, go, go!
Oh, my God, this is incredible.
I cannot believe you let me
drive knowing you could do this.
They're coming. Shit,
they are catching us up.
Get my fucking car, pull over!
Get my fucking car, pull over!
They're catching up,
they're catching us up!
Go, go, go, go! What the
hell are we gonna do?
This is the worst possible day
to not be wearing deodorant.
This is the worst possible day
to not be wearing deodorant.
I've got an idea. I'm
indicating right. What?
Take the next left!
We've gone the wrong fucking
way. That way, you twat!
We've gone the wrong fucking
way. That way, you twat!
Whoo, nice one. Pull over! My
fucking wheels are wrecked.
You're fucking dead!
They're catching us up!
You're fucking dead!
They're catching us up!
Fucking hell, girl1 Drive, drive!
I'm gonna fucking rip your head off.
Get over! Drive!
Get over! Drive!
Do you reckon we'll fit under
there? I'm going for it.
No! Look out! Fuck!
That was so fucking cool!
OK, go, go, go!
OK, go, go, go!
OK, I think we managed
to lose them. Yeah.
We better get a move on if we're
gonna get Sally's money from Big Dom
We better get a move on if we're
gonna get Sally's money from Big Dom
and be at the clinic
by five. Yeah.
Shit! What?
I promised Alfie I'd be at the
office for four for a meeting.
I promised Alfie I'd be at the
office for four for a meeting.
Why? Because you told
me to act normal.
He said he didn't care if
my arse was spewing lava.
OK, you sell the car, I can get out
and walk to the office from here
OK, you sell the car, I can get out
and walk to the office from here
and do the Alfie meeting, then
we'll meet at the clinic at five.
But isn't it gonna look mental, you
turning up to a meeting instead of me?
You'd be better selling the car
than acting normal with Alfie.OK.
You'd be better selling the car
than acting normal with Alfie.OK.
Don't let them walk all over you. In
this game, it's all about respect.
Yeah, it's the way
you carry yourself,
you're just confident, like you
belong in that world, that...
you're just confident, like you
belong in that world, that...
Oh, she's gone. Well,
have you left the key?
What's up Deacon? You know that Big
Dom guy that deals in those cars,
does he have a
phone number? Why?
I need it for a
friend. What friend?
I need it for a
friend. What friend?
It's just a mate who's
looking for some work.
Your mate isn't gonna be
able to just phone him up
and ask him for a job!
This isn't as quick as I
hoped it would be, Esme.
This isn't as quick as I
hoped it would be, Esme.
Tell me the real reason you need
it and I'll give it to you.Fine.
I stole a Ferrari and
I wanna sell it to him.
OK, Deacon, if you don't
wanna say, whatever.
OK, Deacon, if you don't
wanna say, whatever.
I'll text it to
you. Thank you.
But make it quick, please.
Thank you for your help, Esme.
Mm-hm. Yes, that is
a Fee-ra-ree, mate.
Mm-hm. Yes, that is
a Fee-ra-ree, mate.
Are you Big Dom? Yes, mate,
that's me. This is Dom.
I knew there'd be a normal-size
one! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.
I knew there'd be a normal-size
one! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.
Are you saying I'm not
normal? What, I'm abnormal?
I'm a freak, am I?
No. How dare you.
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to say you were abnormal,
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to say you were abnormal,
that wasn't what - So,
I'm the abnormal one?
Look, no. I wasn't saying -
I can take that kinda japer,
I can take it cos I've
got broad shoulders.
I'm used to it. But this
one, this little lamb...
Are you all right?
I'm... I'm sorry...
Ssh ssh ssh. Are you all
right? You gonna let that go?
Look, I'm really sorry. Is it
possible just to start again, please?
Look, I'm really sorry. Is it
possible just to start again, please?
Do you wanna punch
him in the face? No.
Alfie! Where's Deacon?
Oh, he is so, so sick. He's
like a chemical weapon.
Oh, he is so, so sick. He's
like a chemical weapon.
But he was desperate that one of us
should be here. I've had it bad too.
It has just been
flying out of me.
It has just been
flying out of me.
No, no, we didn't come in here
to listen stories of women
shitting themselves. Apologies,
this is Deacon's wife.
It might be nice if you tell
Mr Harris from the SFO here
It might be nice if you tell
Mr Harris from the SFO here
every single thing he wants
to know. How may I help you?
How does she smell, mate?
Give her a good sniff.
How does she smell, mate?
Give her a good sniff.
Is that a real Ferrari?
Yeah, it's good gear. Nice.
So where did you
pick this beauty up?
Took it off some dick at
the golf club down the road.
Took it off some dick at
the golf club down the road.
Really? Really? Yeah, why?
Well, we've just met
you for the first time
and you're coming in here giving
it the old Billy Big Bollocks
about the crime
you've just committed.
About the crime
you've just committed.
Is this your first time doing this?
No. I flip cars over all the time.
You're a liar, mate.
You're a liar, mate.
It's really quite simple. There are
accounts on your husband's laptop
that have become
essential to our case.
We have no other option but to
report your husband to the police
We have no other option but to
report your husband to the police
for obstruction of justice.
We work within a
very small community.
Never heard of you, though.
Never heard of you, though.
So I'm saying that you
are a bullshitter, pal.
I think you may have
just popped your cherry.
What? No. Absolutely not.
What? No. Absolutely not.
You don't wanna fuck with me,
all right? Oh, I think we do.
See, the thing we're gonna do
most today is fuck with you.
Please don't do that.
Please don't do that.
It's three, four hours of just
constant fucking with you,
and if at the end of that, I go, "I don't
think he's been fucked with enough,"
I'll say "Everyone
stay, a little overtime,
cos we're gonna fuck with
him a little bit more."
What I'm telling you, pal,
this is a fuckfest coming.
We'll keep on fucking with
you until we say the fucking -
We'll keep on fucking with
you until we say the fucking -
Whoa whoa!
Hang on, mate.
Whoa whoa. Enough!
My husband is an
incredibly honest man.
My husband is an
incredibly honest man.
I am having a really fucking
stressful time right now.
He is the most hardworking
and principled man
you could ever hope to meet.
You could ever hope to meet.
My uncle has taken all my money
and he keeps trying to fuck my mum.
He would be heartbroken to think he had
come anywhere near any criminal activity.
I'm being blackmailed! He hasn't
even had a speeding ticket.
I'm being blackmailed! He hasn't
even had a speeding ticket.
I've just been in a car chase.
He will do his utmost to
make sure this is sorted out.
My wife's about to get inseminated and
I've got to make it to the clinic by 5pm
My wife's about to get inseminated and
I've got to make it to the clinic by 5pm
just to make sure I can see
the doctor stick it in her.
That's one of the main reasons
I fell in love with him.
So this is enough! Please
don't punish a good man
So this is enough! Please
don't punish a good man
for bad luck and bad timing.
You're gonna give me
50 grand for this car
or I'm gonna smash the fuck
out of this fucking place!
Or I'm gonna smash the fuck
out of this fucking place!
Jesus. Are you finished?
Yeah, I think I am, yeah.
Yeah, I think I am, yeah.
Thank you for that explanation,
Mrs Mendez We will pass that on.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you so much, your honours.
There was no need for
that at all, really, mate.
There was no need for
that at all, really, mate.
That was uncalled for.
We was just trying to have a
little bit of fun with you.
Give you, like, an authentic
criminal experience.
Give you, like, an authentic
criminal experience.
We'll give you your 50 grand.
So you know, this is
actually worth 70 minimum,
so you've made an absolute
fanny out of yourself, so...
so you've made an absolute
fanny out of yourself, so...
Would it be possible
to get 70? Fuck off.
Absolutely. Be on
your way. Run, please.
Run as fast as you can,
and don't look back.
Sally!
John, turn it down.
What do you think
of this kimono?
It looked a big jazzy on ASOS, but
I reckon with the right bikini...
It looked a big jazzy on ASOS, but
I reckon with the right bikini...
Shut up, Sally, OK?
Listen to me, Beanie
Man, here's your money
but you have to promise
to leave straightsway.
I was gonna do a little
retirement drinks on Thursday...
I was gonna do a little
retirement drinks on Thursday...
No. no. Tonight, OK?
You take this money and it's
over and you never come back.
We have told the man who
is laundering the money
We have told the man who
is laundering the money
that we stole, that
you blackmailed us
and he made it pretty clear
that he wanted to kill you.
Kill me? Yes.
Kill me? Yes.
And just to be, you know,
completely transparent,
I am planning on telling
him that WE killed you, OK?
So if you do come back, it
will be fucking embarrassing.
All right? Well, OK.
All right? Well, OK.
So here's the
money. I have to go.
I hope to never see you
again and, you know,
despite the blackmail thing and
this hideous cultural appropriation,
despite the blackmail thing and
this hideous cultural appropriation,
I hope you have a nice time.
Oh, thank you. All right. Bye.
Bye.
I made it! 4:59... and 23
seconds, but I made it.
I've made it. Hey! Oh God,
I'm sorry, but I made it.
Hi, dad. Just in time.
Hi, dad. Just in time.
If you watch the screen...
All done. What,
sorry? Is that it?
What do you want? A light show?
Well no, but I thought
there's be like a noise?
Like du-dun! Like, done it!
Like du-dun! Like, done it!
This is why we did
it, you know. Yeah.
This is why we did
it, you know. Yeah.
For...
I don't know what we're
looking at. What is this?
You should have seen me in
that meeting, I was on fire.
You should have seen me in
that meeting, I was on fire.
I told them what an honourable
man you were, how kind.
So trust me, that's
dealt with. Thank you.
So trust me, that's
dealt with. Thank you.
Where is Esme, by the way? Is
she out pickpocketing with Jed?
I don't know. I'm gonna
leave her to it for a bit.
I gotta focus on being
pregnant till proven otherwise.
I gotta focus on being
pregnant till proven otherwise.
I know we're not supposed
to get ahead of ourselves,
but it is pretty
amazing, isn't it? Yeah.
And we're OK, right?
And we're OK, right?
Yeah, I guess.
It's Kethan.
Hello? Deacon. I'm gonna have to
take Sally out for you, innit?
No, you're not, actually,
because I was about to call you
No, you're not, actually,
because I was about to call you
to let you know that
we took care of her.
Deacon, if you're
lying to me right now,
you know what I'm gonna do to you,
innit? Let me tell you something.
I'm not lying because we took care
of her, properly took care of her.
I'm not lying because we took care
of her, properly took care of her.
Her and her boyfriend.
Killing the boyfriend is a
bit of a dick move, innit?
Yeah, well, nobody
fucks with me.
Yeah, well, nobody
fucks with me.
Wow. Where did that come from?
Well, hopefully he'll start taking
us a bit more seriously now.
Well, hopefully he'll start taking
us a bit more seriously now.
Who the hell is that?
Deacon Mendez? Yeah.
Deacon Mendez? Yeah.
I'm arresting you for the
obstruction of justice
and withholding evidence in
a criminal investigation.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention
when questioned
if you do not mention
when questioned
something which you
later rely on in court.
Allison!
I said Allison before you said
that, so you can't count that.
Allison! Allison! Help!
♪ THE HEAVY: Big Bad Wolf
strong language from the outset
and throughout.
We robbed our boss, A1.
Right now, your tiny
thimble of sperm
Right now, your tiny
thimble of sperm
is being mixed with my
underperforming eggs
and we could be parents soon.
Oh my God! They've fertilised
five eggs! That's incredible!
Oh my God! They've fertilised
five eggs! That's incredible!
So, Esme, how is
the job hunt going?
I was doing a bit
of work for Jed.
The stolen car game,
it's pretty solid.
Now you need to hand your
laptop in straightaway!
Now you need to hand your
laptop in straightaway!
It's gone. That feels
a bit suspicious.
This has been escalated to an
official fraud investigation,
so YOU shall be seeing
a lot more of ME.
So YOU shall be seeing
a lot more of ME.
If that is Kethan, you
tell him to take that bag
when he gets it,
lube it up and -
Come on!
Come on!
What's the time? 9:03, same
as it was 30 seconds ago.
Shall we put some music on?
We're not teenagers
at Lookout Point.
We're waiting for a blackmailer.
I could keep asking the
time over and over again...
I could keep asking the
time over and over again...
OK, put something on.
Maybe just silence.
Oh yeah, sure. OK.
Maybe just silence.
Oh yeah, sure. OK.
Oh! Is that them? No,
it's the IVF clinic.
They want us to come for our
embryo transfer tomorrow at five.
They want us to come for our
embryo transfer tomorrow at five.
Oh, my God. This time
tomorrow we could be pregnant.
What if... Oh, my God,
what if two eggs take?
HA! We'll have to
commit another robbery.
HA! We'll have to
commit another robbery.
Is that them?
No, that's only Sally. What
the hell is she doing here?
No, that's only Sally. What
the hell is she doing here?
Why is she walking over to the
car? Why is she getting IN the car?
Hello. Hello, Sally.
Very nice to see you,
but we're actually waiting
for somebody, so -Oh, I know.
What do you mean? I
know what you did.
What do you mean? I
know what you did.
Holy shit, that was...
This is the blackmailer?
I love you, but that's
been really obvious
I love you, but that's
been really obvious
since she got in
the car. Keep up.
I knew something was going on
cos Deacon had been flapping
about like a pelican on speed,
pulling sickies, and you were
creeping round the office
pulling sickies, and you were
creeping round the office
after hours, so I
checked the accounts.
Sally... I've kept my head down
at that company for 20 years,
Sally... I've kept my head down
at that company for 20 years,
put up with nonsense from Alfie that
makes me too look like Paw Patrol.
All I ever wanted was
a quiet retirement.
Where are you thinking?
Somewhere on the South coast?
Where are you thinking?
Somewhere on the South coast?
Sliders Resort, Jamaica.
Like Sandals, only more explicitly
erotic for the mature traveller.
Like Sandals, only more explicitly
erotic for the mature traveller.
My new fella is from that
part of the world. Tron says -
Tron? Are you fucking
a sci-fi movie?
No, he's my 26-year-old
Jamaican boyfriend.
No, he's my 26-year-old
Jamaican boyfriend.
Tron says, why get tied
up in police red tape
when I could be lying in
the sun, sipping Bacardi,
when I could be lying in
the sun, sipping Bacardi,
while he works cocoa butter
into my stretch marks?
So what do you want? £50,000.
So what do you want? £50,000.
50 grand, Sally? How much cocoa
butter does your arse need?
I think 10% is a fair
compromise to avoid prison.
I think 10% is a fair
compromise to avoid prison.
10%? Well, we only took
50 grand, you lunatic.
Sally, you really are shit
at accounts, you know that?
The Fairhaven account is
missing half a million pounds.
The Fairhaven account is
missing half a million pounds.
What? I was gonna tell you.
What? You took half a million pounds
and you didn't think to tell me?
I absolutely did want to tell you,
but I just couldn't find the time.
Well, what about just now before
this greedy bitch got in the car?
Well, what about just now before
this greedy bitch got in the car?
Can I assume from my end,
though, blackmail admin complete?
Yes, Sally, you can go and tell
Transformer you've done your job.
Yes, Sally, you can go and tell
Transformer you've done your job.
How could you lie about this?
Who even are you? 500 grand?
How could you lie about this?
Who even are you? 500 grand?
I did it for us. You had the nerve
to tell me I couldn't buy a handbag
because it would
arouse attention!
Do you know what arouses
attention more than a handbag?
Do you know what arouses
attention more than a handbag?
Half a million pounds. That's a
big arousal, Deacon, full hard-on.
I know, but I opened up the account,
there was so much money in there.
He said he couldn't
pay our bonuses
He said he couldn't
pay our bonuses
and then I look and there's
over a million quid.
It just felt like
the right thing.
I hope it still feels like the
right thing in the prison showers.
Look, Allison...
Who's going to prison?
Look, Allison...
Who's going to prison?
Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Esme, what the fuck? Relax! We're
doing some work for Big Dom.
Esme, what the fuck? Relax! We're
doing some work for Big Dom.
You're taking serial
numbers off car parts.
Honestly, it's barely illegal.
Oh, good1 Please explain to
me how this is not illegal!
Oh, good1 Please explain to
me how this is not illegal!
Well, BD runs a chop shop, so
people take in boosted sports cars
and then we do a
few modifications
and he smuggles them out of the
country in some big transporter.
And he smuggles them out of the
country in some big transporter.
He's like a smaller version of
the WeBuyAnyCar guy. You know him?
Esme, when I suggested you
move away from Only Fans,
Esme, when I suggested you
move away from Only Fans,
I stupidly hoped you'd try
something, I don't know, legal.
Look, we are talking
high-end sports cars.
Do you know the sort of
people who drive those?
Do you know the sort of
people who drive those?
Rich old white dudes. 1%.
Victimless crime. No, it's not.
You just don't like the victims.
These cars are fully insured,
we're basically Robin Hood, baby.
These cars are fully insured,
we're basically Robin Hood, baby.
My baby. Yeah!
Esme, I'm worried. What?
That I'll turn out like you?
Esme, I'm worried. What?
That I'll turn out like you?
Fine, fuck your life up.
I fucking will. Fuck!
Can I just ask, is
Big Dom called Big Dom
Can I just ask, is
Big Dom called Big Dom
cos he's objectively big,
or is there a smaller Dom?
Did you talk to Kethan
about the Sally thing?
There's no problem with us
getting the money, is there?
I hope not, although he did ask
me to meet him at his golf club.
Why can't he just
transfer the money again?
Why can't he just
transfer the money again?
I think he just wants to show off
his fancy club, invite me to brunch,
although he called it
"luckfast" cos he's a prick.
Call in sick for me too.
I'm coming to luckfast.
Call in sick for me too.
I'm coming to luckfast.
Why? Don't you trust me? I do,
I just don't wanna find out a week from
now it's a million pounds or something.
I'm not angry, I'm just...
Disappointed. I get it.
I'm not angry, I'm just...
Disappointed. I get it.
Which is actually worse.
We'll work it out.
I just wish you hadn't lied.
Yeah, I know.
Now I have to eat pineapple
cores cos the IVF form says
they're anti-inflammatory and
good for the embryo transfer.
I am a selfless hero,
making concessions,
sacrificing my body, soon
to be a sacred vessel.
What did you do?
Ejaculate once, yeah.
By the way, don't eat
too many pineapples
By the way, don't eat
too many pineapples
because I read somewhere
that pineapple eats you
when you're eating it, like
there's some sort of molecule in it
that dissolves you, so... What
the fuck are you going on about?
That dissolves you, so... What
the fuck are you going on about?
Oh, nothing.
Alfie, Allison and I have had
a bit of a relapse healthwise,
so we're not gonna
be coming in today.
NO!
Alfie, you can't say no, we've
got serious stomach problems.
I don't care if your arse
is spewing liquid magma,
I don't care if your arse
is spewing liquid magma,
you're gonna be in
that board room at 4pm.
You're my back-up, yeah?
And anything I
tell 'em, be my bez
And anything I
tell 'em, be my bez
and shake your little
support maracas,
because it's YOU
missing YOUR interview
that has turned this into
a fraud investigation.
That has turned this into
a fraud investigation.
Sorry, Alfie, did you
say fraud investigation?
Alfie? Alfie?
Alfie? Alfie?
Why do we have to meet here?
Everyone looks like ET.
Why do we have to meet here?
Everyone looks like ET.
I feel most comfortable
around the least wanted.
Being a brown in a
golf club like this,
Being a brown in a
golf club like this,
it makes me feel like a UNICORN!
What the bloody hell
are YOU looking at?
Nothing. Are the brown men in
your golf club being too loud?
Nothing. Are the brown men in
your golf club being too loud?
Oh, I do apologise, we will try
to talk quietly for the white man.
That's not what I
was - Turn around.
Beautiful brown
unicorns are talking!
Beautiful brown
unicorns are talking!
Look, all we have to do
is give Sally the cash
and she will disappear, OK? We're not
talking about a hardened criminal.
And she will disappear, OK? We're not
talking about a hardened criminal.
We're talking about a
sex-starved old lady.
Yeah, Kethan, all we're
asking for is our money.
And I keep telling you, the money
is in the system getting cleaned.
And I keep telling you, the money
is in the system getting cleaned.
That takes time.
If you wanted instant
access to your funds,
you should have met
with Barclays, innit?
Well. maybe you could just
give us - Ooh, no, no, no.
Well. maybe you could just
give us - Ooh, no, no, no.
Do not ask me for a loan. Hm?
I'm already doing you a favour.
You don't ask someone who is doing
you a favour for another favour.
You don't ask someone who is doing
you a favour for another favour.
That's disgusting.
Uncle, please...
Don't "please" me,
you fucking idiot.
What do you think
is gonna happen
when this Sally has
shagged all the money away?
When this Sally has
shagged all the money away?
You think she's gonna go, "Oh,
that was fun while it lasted"?
Or do you think she's gonna say, "Mm, why don't
I make another withdrawal from the twat bank?"?
Or do you think she's gonna say, "Mm, why don't
I make another withdrawal from the twat bank?"?
Hm?
If this Sally is
offering you ultimatums,
If this Sally is
offering you ultimatums,
you have to deal with her.
Or I will. Sorry,
do you mean...?
Or I will. Sorry,
do you mean...?
This isn't Goodfellas,
you penis. But yeah.
Your choice. Either you do
it or I do, but much worse.
Your choice. Either you do
it or I do, but much worse.
Oh, and there will be a horrible
mess. Now, off you fuck.
But uncle, we - Off you fuck.
But uncle, we - Off you fuck.
Maybe we don't have to kill Sally
if we can pay her off some other way
and get her out of the country
before Kethan gets to her,
and get her out of the country
before Kethan gets to her,
cos that's what she wants. Yes,
because that's what we've learned,
that stealing 50 grand
has few consequences.
Er, 500 grand. Oh, watch out.
Take care of it, will you?
I can't believe that
prick thinks I'm a valet.
Maybe you are.
What do you mean?
Maybe you are.
What do you mean?
Robin Hood, baby.
You're not suggesting
we steal this car?
Deacon, that prick assumed you were
the valet and gave you his keys.
Deacon, that prick assumed you were
the valet and gave you his keys.
Not only would you be helping us
out, you'd be teaching him a lesson.
Right, and what is that lesson?
If you give a brown man your
keys, he'll steal you car?
You said "How am are
we gonna get 50 grand?"
And then a racist gave you
a Ferrari. It's like fate.
So that's a viable defence in
court, is it? Look, Mr Half a Mil,
So that's a viable defence in
court, is it? Look, Mr Half a Mil,
I don't know if you spotted it, but we
are in a tricky situation right now,
where we either have to wait
for Kethan to kill Sally,
or do it ourselves.
So I don't know which one
of those options you fancy.
So I don't know which one
of those options you fancy.
Firing squad? Guillotine?
OK... Let's steal this car.
OK... Let's steal this car.
Babe! Yeah? You're
going like 8mph.
Babe! Yeah? You're
going like 8mph.
There's no point in trying to
sell a damaged car, is there?
I did not think the main emotion I had
after stealing a car would be embarrassment.
I did not think the main emotion I had
after stealing a car would be embarrassment.
What's that bloody
valet doing with my car?
What's that bloody
valet doing with my car?
He's nicking my car!
Hey! Oh shit.
Look. What? What?
Deacon, Deacon, put
your foot down! OK.
Huh!
Huh!
Now you've stalled it.
Get out, I'll drive.
It's actually a
difficult car to drive,
just so you know. You fucking
touch my car and I'll kill you!
Just so you know. You fucking
touch my car and I'll kill you!
Fucking hell. Allison, go!
Go, go! We should just swap!
Move, go, go, go!
Oh, my God, this is incredible.
I cannot believe you let me
drive knowing you could do this.
They're coming. Shit,
they are catching us up.
Get my fucking car, pull over!
Get my fucking car, pull over!
They're catching up,
they're catching us up!
Go, go, go, go! What the
hell are we gonna do?
This is the worst possible day
to not be wearing deodorant.
This is the worst possible day
to not be wearing deodorant.
I've got an idea. I'm
indicating right. What?
Take the next left!
We've gone the wrong fucking
way. That way, you twat!
We've gone the wrong fucking
way. That way, you twat!
Whoo, nice one. Pull over! My
fucking wheels are wrecked.
You're fucking dead!
They're catching us up!
You're fucking dead!
They're catching us up!
Fucking hell, girl1 Drive, drive!
I'm gonna fucking rip your head off.
Get over! Drive!
Get over! Drive!
Do you reckon we'll fit under
there? I'm going for it.
No! Look out! Fuck!
That was so fucking cool!
OK, go, go, go!
OK, go, go, go!
OK, I think we managed
to lose them. Yeah.
We better get a move on if we're
gonna get Sally's money from Big Dom
We better get a move on if we're
gonna get Sally's money from Big Dom
and be at the clinic
by five. Yeah.
Shit! What?
I promised Alfie I'd be at the
office for four for a meeting.
I promised Alfie I'd be at the
office for four for a meeting.
Why? Because you told
me to act normal.
He said he didn't care if
my arse was spewing lava.
OK, you sell the car, I can get out
and walk to the office from here
OK, you sell the car, I can get out
and walk to the office from here
and do the Alfie meeting, then
we'll meet at the clinic at five.
But isn't it gonna look mental, you
turning up to a meeting instead of me?
You'd be better selling the car
than acting normal with Alfie.OK.
You'd be better selling the car
than acting normal with Alfie.OK.
Don't let them walk all over you. In
this game, it's all about respect.
Yeah, it's the way
you carry yourself,
you're just confident, like you
belong in that world, that...
you're just confident, like you
belong in that world, that...
Oh, she's gone. Well,
have you left the key?
What's up Deacon? You know that Big
Dom guy that deals in those cars,
does he have a
phone number? Why?
I need it for a
friend. What friend?
I need it for a
friend. What friend?
It's just a mate who's
looking for some work.
Your mate isn't gonna be
able to just phone him up
and ask him for a job!
This isn't as quick as I
hoped it would be, Esme.
This isn't as quick as I
hoped it would be, Esme.
Tell me the real reason you need
it and I'll give it to you.Fine.
I stole a Ferrari and
I wanna sell it to him.
OK, Deacon, if you don't
wanna say, whatever.
OK, Deacon, if you don't
wanna say, whatever.
I'll text it to
you. Thank you.
But make it quick, please.
Thank you for your help, Esme.
Mm-hm. Yes, that is
a Fee-ra-ree, mate.
Mm-hm. Yes, that is
a Fee-ra-ree, mate.
Are you Big Dom? Yes, mate,
that's me. This is Dom.
I knew there'd be a normal-size
one! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.
I knew there'd be a normal-size
one! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.
Are you saying I'm not
normal? What, I'm abnormal?
I'm a freak, am I?
No. How dare you.
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to say you were abnormal,
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to say you were abnormal,
that wasn't what - So,
I'm the abnormal one?
Look, no. I wasn't saying -
I can take that kinda japer,
I can take it cos I've
got broad shoulders.
I'm used to it. But this
one, this little lamb...
Are you all right?
I'm... I'm sorry...
Ssh ssh ssh. Are you all
right? You gonna let that go?
Look, I'm really sorry. Is it
possible just to start again, please?
Look, I'm really sorry. Is it
possible just to start again, please?
Do you wanna punch
him in the face? No.
Alfie! Where's Deacon?
Oh, he is so, so sick. He's
like a chemical weapon.
Oh, he is so, so sick. He's
like a chemical weapon.
But he was desperate that one of us
should be here. I've had it bad too.
It has just been
flying out of me.
It has just been
flying out of me.
No, no, we didn't come in here
to listen stories of women
shitting themselves. Apologies,
this is Deacon's wife.
It might be nice if you tell
Mr Harris from the SFO here
It might be nice if you tell
Mr Harris from the SFO here
every single thing he wants
to know. How may I help you?
How does she smell, mate?
Give her a good sniff.
How does she smell, mate?
Give her a good sniff.
Is that a real Ferrari?
Yeah, it's good gear. Nice.
So where did you
pick this beauty up?
Took it off some dick at
the golf club down the road.
Took it off some dick at
the golf club down the road.
Really? Really? Yeah, why?
Well, we've just met
you for the first time
and you're coming in here giving
it the old Billy Big Bollocks
about the crime
you've just committed.
About the crime
you've just committed.
Is this your first time doing this?
No. I flip cars over all the time.
You're a liar, mate.
You're a liar, mate.
It's really quite simple. There are
accounts on your husband's laptop
that have become
essential to our case.
We have no other option but to
report your husband to the police
We have no other option but to
report your husband to the police
for obstruction of justice.
We work within a
very small community.
Never heard of you, though.
Never heard of you, though.
So I'm saying that you
are a bullshitter, pal.
I think you may have
just popped your cherry.
What? No. Absolutely not.
What? No. Absolutely not.
You don't wanna fuck with me,
all right? Oh, I think we do.
See, the thing we're gonna do
most today is fuck with you.
Please don't do that.
Please don't do that.
It's three, four hours of just
constant fucking with you,
and if at the end of that, I go, "I don't
think he's been fucked with enough,"
I'll say "Everyone
stay, a little overtime,
cos we're gonna fuck with
him a little bit more."
What I'm telling you, pal,
this is a fuckfest coming.
We'll keep on fucking with
you until we say the fucking -
We'll keep on fucking with
you until we say the fucking -
Whoa whoa!
Hang on, mate.
Whoa whoa. Enough!
My husband is an
incredibly honest man.
My husband is an
incredibly honest man.
I am having a really fucking
stressful time right now.
He is the most hardworking
and principled man
you could ever hope to meet.
You could ever hope to meet.
My uncle has taken all my money
and he keeps trying to fuck my mum.
He would be heartbroken to think he had
come anywhere near any criminal activity.
I'm being blackmailed! He hasn't
even had a speeding ticket.
I'm being blackmailed! He hasn't
even had a speeding ticket.
I've just been in a car chase.
He will do his utmost to
make sure this is sorted out.
My wife's about to get inseminated and
I've got to make it to the clinic by 5pm
My wife's about to get inseminated and
I've got to make it to the clinic by 5pm
just to make sure I can see
the doctor stick it in her.
That's one of the main reasons
I fell in love with him.
So this is enough! Please
don't punish a good man
So this is enough! Please
don't punish a good man
for bad luck and bad timing.
You're gonna give me
50 grand for this car
or I'm gonna smash the fuck
out of this fucking place!
Or I'm gonna smash the fuck
out of this fucking place!
Jesus. Are you finished?
Yeah, I think I am, yeah.
Yeah, I think I am, yeah.
Thank you for that explanation,
Mrs Mendez We will pass that on.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you so much, your honours.
There was no need for
that at all, really, mate.
There was no need for
that at all, really, mate.
That was uncalled for.
We was just trying to have a
little bit of fun with you.
Give you, like, an authentic
criminal experience.
Give you, like, an authentic
criminal experience.
We'll give you your 50 grand.
So you know, this is
actually worth 70 minimum,
so you've made an absolute
fanny out of yourself, so...
so you've made an absolute
fanny out of yourself, so...
Would it be possible
to get 70? Fuck off.
Absolutely. Be on
your way. Run, please.
Run as fast as you can,
and don't look back.
Sally!
John, turn it down.
What do you think
of this kimono?
It looked a big jazzy on ASOS, but
I reckon with the right bikini...
It looked a big jazzy on ASOS, but
I reckon with the right bikini...
Shut up, Sally, OK?
Listen to me, Beanie
Man, here's your money
but you have to promise
to leave straightsway.
I was gonna do a little
retirement drinks on Thursday...
I was gonna do a little
retirement drinks on Thursday...
No. no. Tonight, OK?
You take this money and it's
over and you never come back.
We have told the man who
is laundering the money
We have told the man who
is laundering the money
that we stole, that
you blackmailed us
and he made it pretty clear
that he wanted to kill you.
Kill me? Yes.
Kill me? Yes.
And just to be, you know,
completely transparent,
I am planning on telling
him that WE killed you, OK?
So if you do come back, it
will be fucking embarrassing.
All right? Well, OK.
All right? Well, OK.
So here's the
money. I have to go.
I hope to never see you
again and, you know,
despite the blackmail thing and
this hideous cultural appropriation,
despite the blackmail thing and
this hideous cultural appropriation,
I hope you have a nice time.
Oh, thank you. All right. Bye.
Bye.
I made it! 4:59... and 23
seconds, but I made it.
I've made it. Hey! Oh God,
I'm sorry, but I made it.
Hi, dad. Just in time.
Hi, dad. Just in time.
If you watch the screen...
All done. What,
sorry? Is that it?
What do you want? A light show?
Well no, but I thought
there's be like a noise?
Like du-dun! Like, done it!
Like du-dun! Like, done it!
This is why we did
it, you know. Yeah.
This is why we did
it, you know. Yeah.
For...
I don't know what we're
looking at. What is this?
You should have seen me in
that meeting, I was on fire.
You should have seen me in
that meeting, I was on fire.
I told them what an honourable
man you were, how kind.
So trust me, that's
dealt with. Thank you.
So trust me, that's
dealt with. Thank you.
Where is Esme, by the way? Is
she out pickpocketing with Jed?
I don't know. I'm gonna
leave her to it for a bit.
I gotta focus on being
pregnant till proven otherwise.
I gotta focus on being
pregnant till proven otherwise.
I know we're not supposed
to get ahead of ourselves,
but it is pretty
amazing, isn't it? Yeah.
And we're OK, right?
And we're OK, right?
Yeah, I guess.
It's Kethan.
Hello? Deacon. I'm gonna have to
take Sally out for you, innit?
No, you're not, actually,
because I was about to call you
No, you're not, actually,
because I was about to call you
to let you know that
we took care of her.
Deacon, if you're
lying to me right now,
you know what I'm gonna do to you,
innit? Let me tell you something.
I'm not lying because we took care
of her, properly took care of her.
I'm not lying because we took care
of her, properly took care of her.
Her and her boyfriend.
Killing the boyfriend is a
bit of a dick move, innit?
Yeah, well, nobody
fucks with me.
Yeah, well, nobody
fucks with me.
Wow. Where did that come from?
Well, hopefully he'll start taking
us a bit more seriously now.
Well, hopefully he'll start taking
us a bit more seriously now.
Who the hell is that?
Deacon Mendez? Yeah.
Deacon Mendez? Yeah.
I'm arresting you for the
obstruction of justice
and withholding evidence in
a criminal investigation.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention
when questioned
if you do not mention
when questioned
something which you
later rely on in court.
Allison!
I said Allison before you said
that, so you can't count that.
Allison! Allison! Help!
♪ THE HEAVY: Big Bad Wolf