Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Secret of the Booze - full transcript

The RC writers wonder what would happen if the alien from Alien was a different alien? Bert from Sesame Street gets a new roommate, we see what The Terminator would have been like as a ...

[ thunder crashes ]
>> [ laughs evilly ]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]
>> it's alive!

[ thunder crashes ]
>> [ laughs evilly ]

[ smooch! ]
[ laughs evilly ]

>> and now back to disney's
"gargoyles."

>> [ scoffs ]
please stop saying that every

Time we start to have sex.
>> honey, come on.

We are unattractive people.
I'm just owning it.

>> find mcclane and bring me my
detonators.

>> unless you want it to get
messy out there, I suggest you



Start organizing trips to the
bathroom.

And fyi -- the east bathroom is
being redone and only has a

Urinal.
>> fine.

[ door opens ]
[ hostages scream ]

>> attention.
If you are a male who has to go

Pee really, really bad, raise
your hand and keep it raised.

This is your bathroom pass.
When your group color is called,

You must show the leader your
pass before your group can

Proceed to the bathroom.
If you are a woman who has to go

Poo, you are in the aqua group.
[ static ]

>> hey, hans, I just took a dump
in the east bathroom urinal.

>> regroup!
Everyone hand back your

Laminates.
>> uh, this is the source of the

Transmission, but nobody's here.
>> should a couple of space



Truckers be making first contact
with an alien ship?

>> [ shouting ] sorry it's so
messy!

It's hard to get maid service in
space!

>> [ chuckles ]
who are you?

>> my name's gordon shumway.
I crash-landed here.

How ironic!
My ship goes down, my insurance

Premium goes up!
[ both laugh ]

>> that was hilarious.
Maybe we should take him back to

The nostromo.
>> ripley here.

Quarantine procedure says we are
forbidden from bringing any

Alien life form on board, kane.
>> thanks, captain paranoid of

The s.S. "rules"!
We're bringing this hilarious

Mother[bleep] aboard.
>> ooh, nice outfit, brett.

I didn't know there was a
goodwill in space!

[ laughter ]
>> this guy's jokes are obvious.

I want him off the ship.
>> the crazy cat lady who

Doesn't want us to have any fun
doesn't want us to have any fun?

I'm gobsmacked.
>> seriously, brett, I dress

Better than you, and I'm naked!
[ laughter ]

>> [ coughing, choking ]
>> whoa!

Someone get that guy a tums!
[ laughter ]

>> I can't not laugh at this
guy.

>> your friend just choked to
death!

Your shitty jokes are going to
kill my crew.

>> can't you see, ripley?
He's the perfect organism.

His jokes are flawless in
structure and delivery.

He nails it every [bleep] time.
>> but kane is dead!

>> the only thing that died is
your interior decorator.

Geesh!
[ laughter ]

[ all choking ]

What a delicious-looking cat.
Allow me to introduce it to my

Stomach.
Here, dinner, dinner, dinner.

[ cat yowls ]

>> get away from her, you hack!
>> another outfit change?!

What is this -- the oscars?
Ha! I kill me!

>> no. I kill you.
>> hey, relax!

Ever hear of decaf?
That's gonna leave a mark.

Anybody got any bactine?
>> just shouting something

Doesn't make it funny!
>> is this because I didn't use

A coaster-r-r-r-r-r?!

[ wind whistling ]
>> just a lizard wizard in a

Blizzard, yo.
Nothing to see here.

>> muckman, you stay here and
keep April safe.

We'll go after shredder!
>> man, shredder and stuff.

Craziness.
>> yeah.

>> hey. Question.
Is there a full banana peel

Melting into my head right now?
>> yes.

>> that is unfortunate.
[ loud fart ]

What the...Who did that, man?
That was probably krang or

Something.
>> krang was never here.

It's just us.
>> nah, that was probably krang,

I bet.
So nasty! That guy, man.

>> uh, that's impossible.
I would've seen him.

>> nah, man.
Nah, he was here.

He blew ass, and then he left.
>> muckman, I know you're lying.

>> freaking krang, man.
>> there is no way krang came

In, farted for 10 whole seconds,
and then left.

I absolutely would've seen that
occur.

Look, I don't care!
You had gas! It happens!

Just please don't blatantly lie
to my face!

>> cool, man! No! Cool!
Absolutely. I'm sorry. Cool.

We -- we are cool.

Krang, man.
>> it was not krang!!

>> [ panting ]
>> have you seen my soap on a

Rope?
How did I manage to lose it?

It's on a freakin' rope! Ha!
>> it's still not even a joke.

>> I'm glad we finally admitted
we just don't work as roommates.

>> now people will stop saying
we're gay.

>> ah, this is much easier than
one of us ever getting a

Girlfriend.
[ knock on door ]

Oh, that must be the new
roommate.

I found him off craigslist.
>> um, is that safe?

>> where can I put my spoons?
Hey, bert?

Dude, am I waking you up, man?
Hey.

>> what?!
>> you ever put a gun in your

Mouth, just to get that taste on
your tongue?

>> no, sam.
>> hey, bert! Bert.

>> what? What?!
>> do I have blood in my

Mustache, bert?
>> oh, is this another

Harebrained scheme like ernie?
Oh, my god!

You're shitting in the sink!
>> your toilet insulted my

Spoons!
[ mid-tempo music playing ]

>> hey, kids!
Do you have trouble tying your

Shoes?
Well, sam and I have a song

About it!
? tying your shoes is so much

Fun ?
>> ? the american government

Planned 9/11 ?
>> uh... ? you make two loops

That look the same ?
>> ? everyone knows there was no

Second plane ?
whoops! Uh-oh!

My tooth fell out!
Guess another angel got his

Wings.
>> hey, bert! Just wanted to --

Whoa! What happened?!
>> oh, ernie, I tried to make

Sam the new you, but instead, he
made me the new smackhead dave!

>> oh, bert, I can cheer you up.
[ pop ]

[ raspy laughs ]
>> hey, I can do that, too.

[ grunting ]
>> aah! Oh, god!

>> don't go!
>> I must, john connor.

To protect the future, I must be
destroyed.

>> wait!
Of all the abusive fathers that

Came and went, you -- a-a
terminator -- were the only

Positive influence.
Stay. Be john's father.

>> dad?
>> affirmative.

>> you were supposed to pick me
up from school and take me to a

Dodger game!
>> oops! Forgot!

>> I order you not to forget
stuff!

>> negative.
A string of neglectful father

Figures gave you a strong
distrust of authority.

That trait led to your role as
leader of the resistance and

Savior of the human race.
So go get me another beer, you

Piece of shit.
[ can clatters ]

What are you doing, idiot?
>> writing a short story for

School.
[ beeping ]

>> would you like my review?
This is terrible.

You don't write stories again.
You suck at it.

>> don't worry! I won't!
[ sobbing ]

[ whirring, beeping ]
I am drunk!

>> [ scoffs ] good for you.
>> don't smoke in my house, boy!

>> I can do whatever I want in
my room!

[ beeping ]

>> now your room has no wall, so
it's technically part of my

House!
Hasta la vista, butt-nut!

>> he has a point, john.
>> if we're going to save this

Ship, we'll have to tap into the
navigation computer and --

>> winona ryder's on this ship?!
Lock my trailer!

My ipod's in there! Ha!

>> I don't usually get involved
in day-to-day operations, so I'm

Smurfing undercover.
They'll never smurf it's me.

[ chuckles ]
ohh, I haven't smurfed these

Things off in nearly 300 years!
Talk about crotch rot!

>> so, you're my new intern,
huh?

>> that's right, farmer smurf.
Teach me to care about your sad,

Little life -- I mean your noble
and fulfilling, uh, career

Choice.
>> well, smurfs are a thirsty

Bunch, so we got to smurf them
fresh milk every day!

>> we've been drinking
caterpillar milk?!

Oh, this is agony.
It feels like my hands are gonna

Smurf off!
>> yep, my carpal tunnel got so

Bad, they had to fuse my wrist
bones in place!

>> but our healthcare is smurfy,
right?

>> eh, my deductible is 2,000
smurfberries.

>> what?!
[ cash register dings ]

>> dr. Smurf, why are
deductibles so high?

>> boy, you smurf a lot of
uppity questions for an intern.

Uh, just treat the next patient
while I go for a jamba-juice run

In my gold-plated helicopter.
Zoom, zoom.

>> actually, I'm not really
qualified.

I --
[ door opens ]

>> we need dr. Smurf!
Handy had an accident!

>> did someone get a sliver?
Oh, my smurfing god!

>> I sawed right through a
load-bearing mushroom!

Half our building materials are
fungus!

Oh, trade school didn't prepare
me for this!

>> you can smurf his fingers,
right, nurse?

>> I'll certainly try.
>> I'll certainly tried.

>> [ crying ] you can probably
stop sewing.

>> no, no, no.
I-I'm gonna get this.

So, grouchy smurf, how's the
coffee today?

>> I hate coffee!
>> oh! Okay.

But how do you like working
here?

>> I hate working here.
>> oh, goodness. Okay.

Well, is there anything that
maybe papa smurf could do?

>> I hate papa smurf!
>> all right, what exactly do

You do around here?
>> I, um -- I...

Hate stuff?
>> I'm being deadly serious.

>> I...I...

I hate shoveling dog shit.
>> well, now that's actually an

Appropriate reaction.
Carry on, dog-shit smurf!

>> ? ba-bawk bawk bawk ?
? ba-bawk bawk bawk ?

? ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ?

? ba-bawk bawk bawk ?
? ba-bawk bawk bawk ?

? ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ?

? ba-bawk bawk bawk ?
? ba-bawk bawk bawk ?

? ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ?

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

>> hey. Question.
Is there a full banana peel

Melting into my head right now?
>> yes.

>> that is unfortunate.
[ loud fart ]

What the...Who did that, man?