Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Hemlock Gin and Juice - full transcript
This is how we imagine Dora the Explorer's Quinceanera going; You'll see why the Angry Birds got so angry; The writers bring Thomas the Tank Engine to an explosive end.
It's alive!
You know, Lois, Krypto might
need a little snip-snip.
Sorry, old buddy.
Got to do it.
It's for your own good, Krypto!
It'll reduce the probability
of perianal adenomas!
That's ass cancer!
Sit! Sit!
Oww! Let go of my...Those balls are coming
off whether you like it or not!
Gonna assume you don't like it.
There now.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Can I take your order, please?
Yeah. Can I get a what-what?
What-what!
Man, I'm thirsty.
Watch this.
Hey, kool-aid!
Just give it a second.
Yeah.
Your imagination is a pretty
piss-poor solution to my thirst,
and the kitchen is literally 10 feet away, so...
You're just like my real dad,
kool-aid.
You never show up.
Dora!
Dora!
Wha-a-a-a-at?!
It's almost time for your quinceañera!
I need you to run to the store!
Fine!
Soda, cookies, horchata... barf!
Help me out!
Which beer has the highest
alcohol by volume?
Good choice!
Uh, Dora, you're not old
enough to buy that.
No [bleep]
Dora, please, no!
It's wrong!
Now let's complete this transaction!
Hey! Stop that kid!
I need your help again!
I need everybody to shout, "Where
my mother [bleep] map at?"
Aw, yeah!
Map, show me where to
find my friend Marcus!
He's always holding.
I, uh -- I don't know, Dora.
Okay, okay!
He's at the park on 12th,
under the jungle gym!
He said he might have some "X," too.
You can call me Dora the X-plorer!
Hey!
I need your help!
Paulo or Maria?
No argument here!
Just call me the virginity swiper.
Swiper, no swiping!
Swiper, no swiping!
You're too late!
Oh, man!
I wish boots was here to see our
little girl become a woman!
Monkeys are cute when they're little.
But boots got big.
Oh, hello, boots!
Get away!
My God!
Oh, my God!
Dora's on the roof!
I bet I can fly.
Do you think I can fly?
I've never been able to hear you!!
It's the show's big lie!!
Whoo-hoo!
Aah, she missed the pool.
Bass with a bass.
Bass with a bass.
Bass -- bass with a bass.
That ghost is awesome, dude!
Play it again!
So, you're a shirt tale.
That must be fun.
Yeah, it's pretty great.
And what do you do again?
Oh, uh, I'm the I.T. manager for
a furniture supply company.
We make those things you put on table
legs so they don't scratch the floor.
Wow, that is really interesting.
Uh, are you having a good time?
Yeah! Totally!
Can I get you two anything else?
Oh, um, do you want dessert?
Ah, no. Nothing, thanks.
I didn't kill my wife!
I don't care!
And there's the jump!
Strong take off.
He moves from the classic
forward approach and hurdle
to the open pike position.
There's the tuck, the twist,
and... a fairly clean entry,
despite the roaring waterfall.
Let's check with the judges.
Dr. Richard Kimble
takes home a score of 27.
He's got to be happy about that.
But we remind viewers he
probably killed his wife, and
if you have any information on his
whereabouts, please call the police.
I am Cornholio.
I need teepee for my bunghole.
Get the [bleep] out of
here, running joke.
Man, I'm thirsty.
Watch this.
Hey, kool-aid!
Hey, kids! I'm silk!
I'm just like milk, except soy-based,
to prevent nasty lactose diarrhea!
Oh, hey, silk!
I'd love a tall, cool glass of
get the [bleep] out of here!
B-but --
Leave!
But --
Go!
But I --
Split!
Aw!
Oh, come on!
I'm sorry!
We can still cuddle, right?
Ready!
Aim!
Fire!
Ready!
Aim!
Fire!
Let's never do that again!
Plot a course for "Get us
the [bleep] out of here."
There once was a bird
with a very happy life.
He had a nice nest, a
nice car, hot wife.
But one day he gave his bedroom
door a push, to see a bird in
her hand and two in the bush.
The next day at his job as a
bird on "The Wire," he showed up
too late, and his boss
said, "You're fired!"
On his drive home, on the radio feed...
The fat pigs on Wall
Street have all the seed!
And on the TV, more menacing words.
This land's for the
pigs, not for the birds.
His nest repossessed, to his family,
a stranger, he felt a new feeling.
Could this be... anger?
He found other birds with
ruffled up feathers, and said,
"If you're mad as hell,
then let's flock together!"
They loaded him into a gigantic sling
aimed at the palace of the evil pig king.
He sailed towards the
tyrants, blocking the sun!
The bird revolution had finally begun!
Aw, dang it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, man.
That's hilarious!
Hey, did you ever see
"A Christmas Story"?
Oh, man!
The water main broke!
This wet t-shirt contest is canceled!
Not so fast!
Hey, kool-aid!
Oh, yeah!
You kids made a responsible,
non-alcoholic choice!
Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?!
Oh [bleep]
Kool-aid stains, you
dumb mother [bleep]
This is my grandmother's t-shirt!
Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing
and puffing, when suddenly --
Bust my buffers!
This isn't the way to
the Whistling Woods!
No, it ain't, pal!
Unless the mayor of Sodor gives
me 100 million bucks, we're
gonna drive this dynamite
right into Knapford station!
Uh, we've got a problem.
Get me Sir Topham Hatt.
And you...
You come back later.
You know my schedule, dear.
Okay, people.
This is what we trained for.
So immature.
Can we all just stay on track?
Let's just get this bastard!
Move, move, move!
Hello, Percy!
Hello, Thomas!
Wonderful weather for a
hijacking, isn't it?
Shut your steam hole and get closer!
I love being really useful!
You'll never take me
alive, Sir Topham Hatt!
Missed me!
Your blows are harmless!
My internal organs!
Just finish me, you pussies!
Conductor to Skywolf.
Request pickup.
Copy that. I'm on my way.
Harold the helicopter?
You're a part of this?
That's right.
I'm tired of taking a back seat
to a bunch of steam trains.
I can [bleep] fly!
So long, Topham!
Aah!
What cruel God would
give a train a face?!
Pump those pistons, you
steam-powered son of a bitch!
Topham! Help me!
I'll turn myself in, I swear.
Just pull me up!
End of the line, [bleep] head.
Thank you, everyone!
Knapford station is safe!
You're quite welcome, mayor!
And how did you dispose
of the dynamite?
Uhhhh...
_
_
Whew!
I've got a lot of work to do!
Toot-toot!
You know, Lois, Krypto might
need a little snip-snip.
Sorry, old buddy.
Got to do it.
It's for your own good, Krypto!
It'll reduce the probability
of perianal adenomas!
That's ass cancer!
Sit! Sit!
Oww! Let go of my...Those balls are coming
off whether you like it or not!
Gonna assume you don't like it.
There now.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Can I take your order, please?
Yeah. Can I get a what-what?
What-what!
Man, I'm thirsty.
Watch this.
Hey, kool-aid!
Just give it a second.
Yeah.
Your imagination is a pretty
piss-poor solution to my thirst,
and the kitchen is literally 10 feet away, so...
You're just like my real dad,
kool-aid.
You never show up.
Dora!
Dora!
Wha-a-a-a-at?!
It's almost time for your quinceañera!
I need you to run to the store!
Fine!
Soda, cookies, horchata... barf!
Help me out!
Which beer has the highest
alcohol by volume?
Good choice!
Uh, Dora, you're not old
enough to buy that.
No [bleep]
Dora, please, no!
It's wrong!
Now let's complete this transaction!
Hey! Stop that kid!
I need your help again!
I need everybody to shout, "Where
my mother [bleep] map at?"
Aw, yeah!
Map, show me where to
find my friend Marcus!
He's always holding.
I, uh -- I don't know, Dora.
Okay, okay!
He's at the park on 12th,
under the jungle gym!
He said he might have some "X," too.
You can call me Dora the X-plorer!
Hey!
I need your help!
Paulo or Maria?
No argument here!
Just call me the virginity swiper.
Swiper, no swiping!
Swiper, no swiping!
You're too late!
Oh, man!
I wish boots was here to see our
little girl become a woman!
Monkeys are cute when they're little.
But boots got big.
Oh, hello, boots!
Get away!
My God!
Oh, my God!
Dora's on the roof!
I bet I can fly.
Do you think I can fly?
I've never been able to hear you!!
It's the show's big lie!!
Whoo-hoo!
Aah, she missed the pool.
Bass with a bass.
Bass with a bass.
Bass -- bass with a bass.
That ghost is awesome, dude!
Play it again!
So, you're a shirt tale.
That must be fun.
Yeah, it's pretty great.
And what do you do again?
Oh, uh, I'm the I.T. manager for
a furniture supply company.
We make those things you put on table
legs so they don't scratch the floor.
Wow, that is really interesting.
Uh, are you having a good time?
Yeah! Totally!
Can I get you two anything else?
Oh, um, do you want dessert?
Ah, no. Nothing, thanks.
I didn't kill my wife!
I don't care!
And there's the jump!
Strong take off.
He moves from the classic
forward approach and hurdle
to the open pike position.
There's the tuck, the twist,
and... a fairly clean entry,
despite the roaring waterfall.
Let's check with the judges.
Dr. Richard Kimble
takes home a score of 27.
He's got to be happy about that.
But we remind viewers he
probably killed his wife, and
if you have any information on his
whereabouts, please call the police.
I am Cornholio.
I need teepee for my bunghole.
Get the [bleep] out of
here, running joke.
Man, I'm thirsty.
Watch this.
Hey, kool-aid!
Hey, kids! I'm silk!
I'm just like milk, except soy-based,
to prevent nasty lactose diarrhea!
Oh, hey, silk!
I'd love a tall, cool glass of
get the [bleep] out of here!
B-but --
Leave!
But --
Go!
But I --
Split!
Aw!
Oh, come on!
I'm sorry!
We can still cuddle, right?
Ready!
Aim!
Fire!
Ready!
Aim!
Fire!
Let's never do that again!
Plot a course for "Get us
the [bleep] out of here."
There once was a bird
with a very happy life.
He had a nice nest, a
nice car, hot wife.
But one day he gave his bedroom
door a push, to see a bird in
her hand and two in the bush.
The next day at his job as a
bird on "The Wire," he showed up
too late, and his boss
said, "You're fired!"
On his drive home, on the radio feed...
The fat pigs on Wall
Street have all the seed!
And on the TV, more menacing words.
This land's for the
pigs, not for the birds.
His nest repossessed, to his family,
a stranger, he felt a new feeling.
Could this be... anger?
He found other birds with
ruffled up feathers, and said,
"If you're mad as hell,
then let's flock together!"
They loaded him into a gigantic sling
aimed at the palace of the evil pig king.
He sailed towards the
tyrants, blocking the sun!
The bird revolution had finally begun!
Aw, dang it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, man.
That's hilarious!
Hey, did you ever see
"A Christmas Story"?
Oh, man!
The water main broke!
This wet t-shirt contest is canceled!
Not so fast!
Hey, kool-aid!
Oh, yeah!
You kids made a responsible,
non-alcoholic choice!
Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?!
Oh [bleep]
Kool-aid stains, you
dumb mother [bleep]
This is my grandmother's t-shirt!
Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing
and puffing, when suddenly --
Bust my buffers!
This isn't the way to
the Whistling Woods!
No, it ain't, pal!
Unless the mayor of Sodor gives
me 100 million bucks, we're
gonna drive this dynamite
right into Knapford station!
Uh, we've got a problem.
Get me Sir Topham Hatt.
And you...
You come back later.
You know my schedule, dear.
Okay, people.
This is what we trained for.
So immature.
Can we all just stay on track?
Let's just get this bastard!
Move, move, move!
Hello, Percy!
Hello, Thomas!
Wonderful weather for a
hijacking, isn't it?
Shut your steam hole and get closer!
I love being really useful!
You'll never take me
alive, Sir Topham Hatt!
Missed me!
Your blows are harmless!
My internal organs!
Just finish me, you pussies!
Conductor to Skywolf.
Request pickup.
Copy that. I'm on my way.
Harold the helicopter?
You're a part of this?
That's right.
I'm tired of taking a back seat
to a bunch of steam trains.
I can [bleep] fly!
So long, Topham!
Aah!
What cruel God would
give a train a face?!
Pump those pistons, you
steam-powered son of a bitch!
Topham! Help me!
I'll turn myself in, I swear.
Just pull me up!
End of the line, [bleep] head.
Thank you, everyone!
Knapford station is safe!
You're quite welcome, mayor!
And how did you dispose
of the dynamite?
Uhhhh...
_
_
Whew!
I've got a lot of work to do!
Toot-toot!