Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - In Bed Surrounded by Loved Ones - full transcript
The Robot Chicken writers show you why you don't want to prank Apache Chief; We delve deep into the Lego world; What would happen if we got rid of all the wolves?; The creators show the good times catching up with Captain Kirk.
It's alive!
Prime, we have to get these
people to a hospital now.
Put them in my trailer.
Prime?
Wait, it should be here.
Is that your pager?
What's going on?
Ugh, it's this guy I
hook up with sometimes.
Whenever he calls, he thinks I have to
drop whatever I'm doing and run to him.
Well, not this time.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, grab my axle.
Yeah, open my cargo door.
Yeah.
Mm.
Trailer!
Why do I even pay for that pager
if she's not going to use it?
Oh, my gosh.
This is so crazy.
This is gonna be --
Oh, shh. Shh. Shh.
Hey, what are you -- get off my lawn!
Suck it, apache chief!
Well, guess this is happening.
Inuk chuk!
Ahh...
We're just not ready
to go into production.
We need more tests.
Guys, guys, we're not
re-inventing the wheel here.
We're not?
Well, then, what the
hell did I do this for?
Dad, do you ever get that
not-so-fresh feeling?
You mean from the collection of
smegma around the head of my
uncircumcised penis?
What the hell? No!
Well, it's natural, son.
Smegma's the build-up of fatty
deposits given off by skin cells.
Oh, dad, stop.
I'm gonna puke.
Which congeal around the penis
glans, like, well... cottage cheese.
What the [Bleep] is wrong with you?
That's why I use "smeg-away."
Dad, I meant feeling fresh
and awake in the morning.
I'm having trouble getting
up in the morning.
Oh.
Well, smeg-away is not
gonna help with that.
I know!
You better not tell anyone
about my smelly dick!
Meet Genghis Khan, a righteous
dude from the 12th century.
This dude can party righteously.
All in all, Genghis Khan
was a righteous dude.
Genghis Khan killed 40 million people.
Uh, I --
Okay.
He's got a sword, and he's really good
with it, you know, like "chop chop."
He rapes thousands of women.
6% of Mongolians are his direct
descendants because of all the rape.
Uh, is this, like, gonna
affect our grade?
You basically went back in time
to pound beers with Hitler.
Uh, okay.
Let's bring out our next guest.
Dude, dude, unh-unh.
Oh, those pricks are not bumping me.
This will teach you a lesson about how
much work having a baby really is.
Hey, look.
And there's your "F."
Tummi, sit down.
We're all here to talk
about your drinking.
An intervention?
You got to be kidding.
We all drink gummiberry juice.
Only to fight ogres -- not
whenever we feel like it.
Look how big your
gummibelly has gotten.
L-last week, Tummi convinced me to juice
with him in the middle of the night.
Ohh.
He got so hopped up that
he bounced all over me.
He popped my Berry.
Why, you son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I thought we could help you,
Tummi, but you're sick.
Why?
Because I want to bang Sunni?
As far as know, none of us are related.
Wait, are we not related?
Well, we're not technically
related, but we are like a family.
What -- what the [bleep]
Then why haven't we all been
boning this entire time?
Our species is going extinct.
Get ahold of yourself, Grammi.
We're still basically a family.
And I basically haven't
been touched in 20 years.
My cobwebs need dusting.
Get to it.
Hya--
Oh, wait a minute.
What did you just say?
What's that?
It's look like blue
left us another clue.
What is it?
A shotgun!
You're right.
The third clue is a shotgun.
So, we have a set of teeth, a squirrel
foaming at the mouth, and now a shotgun.
Hmm.
I've got it.
Blue was bitten by a rabid squirrel, and
now he's begging for a mercy killing.
Hey, there, blue.
Bark! Bark!
I've heard your cry for help.
You boys and girls saw the
clues, so you know this has
nothing to do with rumors that
blue wants to replace me with
some spotlight-stealing
son of a bitch named Joe.
Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.
Number one or number two?
Number three!
Oh, he just wants attention.
Billy, there's no such thing
as number --
Finally home to my perfect
suburban paradise.
Hey, neighbor, beautiful day, huh?
Ugh! Hi, Earl.
I see you still have your
satellite dishes up.
Yeppers.
Of course, there's no point now
that the cable's in, but they
sure look slick, don't they?
And the propeller -- any idea
when that will come down?
Like I can just remove a
load-bearing propeller?
Earl, dinner time.
Billy-boy, that's my cue.
See you later.
Argh!
Yeah, yeah, no.
Ow, you're overthinking.
Just put the knob in the hollow end.
I know. Just -- oh, forget it.
Come on.
Bill, what's got you so distracted?
Nothing.
Leave me alone.
Fine.
I don't know why I work so hard
to keep up this body if you
never want to touch me.
Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work.
Bill! What are you doing!
Your house, Earl.
It's got to go.
Sir, I repeat.
Get out of the bulldozer.
Green brick, red brick, yellow
brick -- it's all coming down!
Calm down, everyone.
It's over now.
Uh, chief, you should
take a look at this.
Oh, my gosh, it's heads--
people's heads!
Uh, so, you know...
What...You...
That's where all the head pieces went?
I've been trying to find--
Scotty, you idiot!
What? It looks cool.
Uh, sir, just so we're clear, "The
Angry Beavers" is a kids' cartoon.
Look at this beautiful nature.
Let's all go cross-country skiing.
Oh, no -- a wolf.
Put away your skis.
Wolves -- their main ingredients
are legs for speed, jaws for
killing, and brains to
control the legs and jaws.
Say, let's get rid of all the wolves.
There's no downside.
The upside is cross-country skiing.
Save the wolves, man.
You'd better clarify that
point, and right now.
Wolves control the deer population.
If wolves go extinct,
deer would run amok.
Deer contain delicious steaks.
You're saying you prefer fewer
steaks instead of more steaks?
Well, then the deer have nowhere to go.
They'll be forced into
urban environments.
You're telling me good
news as if it's bad news.
The homeless can hunt them for food.
Are you telling me you want armed
homeless roaming the streets?
Aah!
Those homeless people are just gonna pawn
those weapons so they can buy drugs.
That's why one in every 10
deer will be a golden-ticket deer,
filled with a cache of drugs.
So, our choice is, either the
existence of wolves or armed
homeless people hunting
crack-cocaine-implanted deer?
Aah!
Sounds like an easy choice to me.
Then again, I'm just an
innocent voice-over announcer.
I have no dog in this fight--
no, none whatsoever.
And for you, scarecrow, a brain.
Devry University?
If you want to call me an
asshole, do it to my face.
You're an asshole.
Stick around, Scotty.
I might need to lay down a...
Captain's log.
Gross, sir.
Aah, that's a class-four
piss hydra from hell.
I should...probably get that looked at.
You have stage-three space herpes, Jim.
Have you been having sex with
the aliens we've discovered?
There wasn't much sleeping going on.
Wait.
You said "having sex."
Too bad -- that would have been funny.
Damn it, Jim.
What about the prime directive?
Did I forget to tell you about
the prime directive, big guy?
Oh, wow, I'm getting some
vibrant colors down there.
Ohh, that is...ripe.
You've been spreading a virulent
std across the entire galaxy.
I...Have a lot to put right.
Then again, we live
in the 23rd century.
Problem solved.
Damn it, Jim.
You've got to notify every alien you
slept with in the past five years.
Captain's log.
Stardate -- I'm not
talking to Bones anymore.
He's a real...buzzkill.
Relax, it's not like it's space AIDS.
Scotty, here are the coordinates of
every place my wang made contact.
Me mother's house?
I wouldn't kiss her on
the mouth from now on.
Or the butt.
You want to slide those knobs there,
or you want me to keep going?
So, the chances are slim, but
I'd get tested just to be safe.
I'm just a slave.
The fact that you took the time to
tell me really touches my heart.
Just like you...touched mine.
Hey, I heard that.
Chuck, this one's got a bug.
Throw her in the incinerator.
So, remember that...game I
taught you -- the...naked game?
You never told me who won.
We both lost.
Hello, the gorn.
I know we promised never to talk
about our epic battle and how
our hands, clenched in anger,
found themselves intertwined in
passion, but I might
have given you...herpes.
No [bleep]
Oh. Oh.
Really.
Yeah.
Damn it, Jim.
Keep it in your pants.
Bones, you're a doctor, not my mom.
Everyone's been notified,
so no harm, no foul.
Scotty's parents are getting a divorce.
Yes, it's all tied up in a nice
little bow, except for one thing.
Who gave the herpes...to me?
Hey, man.
We got to talk.
Prime, we have to get these
people to a hospital now.
Put them in my trailer.
Prime?
Wait, it should be here.
Is that your pager?
What's going on?
Ugh, it's this guy I
hook up with sometimes.
Whenever he calls, he thinks I have to
drop whatever I'm doing and run to him.
Well, not this time.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, grab my axle.
Yeah, open my cargo door.
Yeah.
Mm.
Trailer!
Why do I even pay for that pager
if she's not going to use it?
Oh, my gosh.
This is so crazy.
This is gonna be --
Oh, shh. Shh. Shh.
Hey, what are you -- get off my lawn!
Suck it, apache chief!
Well, guess this is happening.
Inuk chuk!
Ahh...
We're just not ready
to go into production.
We need more tests.
Guys, guys, we're not
re-inventing the wheel here.
We're not?
Well, then, what the
hell did I do this for?
Dad, do you ever get that
not-so-fresh feeling?
You mean from the collection of
smegma around the head of my
uncircumcised penis?
What the hell? No!
Well, it's natural, son.
Smegma's the build-up of fatty
deposits given off by skin cells.
Oh, dad, stop.
I'm gonna puke.
Which congeal around the penis
glans, like, well... cottage cheese.
What the [Bleep] is wrong with you?
That's why I use "smeg-away."
Dad, I meant feeling fresh
and awake in the morning.
I'm having trouble getting
up in the morning.
Oh.
Well, smeg-away is not
gonna help with that.
I know!
You better not tell anyone
about my smelly dick!
Meet Genghis Khan, a righteous
dude from the 12th century.
This dude can party righteously.
All in all, Genghis Khan
was a righteous dude.
Genghis Khan killed 40 million people.
Uh, I --
Okay.
He's got a sword, and he's really good
with it, you know, like "chop chop."
He rapes thousands of women.
6% of Mongolians are his direct
descendants because of all the rape.
Uh, is this, like, gonna
affect our grade?
You basically went back in time
to pound beers with Hitler.
Uh, okay.
Let's bring out our next guest.
Dude, dude, unh-unh.
Oh, those pricks are not bumping me.
This will teach you a lesson about how
much work having a baby really is.
Hey, look.
And there's your "F."
Tummi, sit down.
We're all here to talk
about your drinking.
An intervention?
You got to be kidding.
We all drink gummiberry juice.
Only to fight ogres -- not
whenever we feel like it.
Look how big your
gummibelly has gotten.
L-last week, Tummi convinced me to juice
with him in the middle of the night.
Ohh.
He got so hopped up that
he bounced all over me.
He popped my Berry.
Why, you son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I thought we could help you,
Tummi, but you're sick.
Why?
Because I want to bang Sunni?
As far as know, none of us are related.
Wait, are we not related?
Well, we're not technically
related, but we are like a family.
What -- what the [bleep]
Then why haven't we all been
boning this entire time?
Our species is going extinct.
Get ahold of yourself, Grammi.
We're still basically a family.
And I basically haven't
been touched in 20 years.
My cobwebs need dusting.
Get to it.
Hya--
Oh, wait a minute.
What did you just say?
What's that?
It's look like blue
left us another clue.
What is it?
A shotgun!
You're right.
The third clue is a shotgun.
So, we have a set of teeth, a squirrel
foaming at the mouth, and now a shotgun.
Hmm.
I've got it.
Blue was bitten by a rabid squirrel, and
now he's begging for a mercy killing.
Hey, there, blue.
Bark! Bark!
I've heard your cry for help.
You boys and girls saw the
clues, so you know this has
nothing to do with rumors that
blue wants to replace me with
some spotlight-stealing
son of a bitch named Joe.
Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.
Number one or number two?
Number three!
Oh, he just wants attention.
Billy, there's no such thing
as number --
Finally home to my perfect
suburban paradise.
Hey, neighbor, beautiful day, huh?
Ugh! Hi, Earl.
I see you still have your
satellite dishes up.
Yeppers.
Of course, there's no point now
that the cable's in, but they
sure look slick, don't they?
And the propeller -- any idea
when that will come down?
Like I can just remove a
load-bearing propeller?
Earl, dinner time.
Billy-boy, that's my cue.
See you later.
Argh!
Yeah, yeah, no.
Ow, you're overthinking.
Just put the knob in the hollow end.
I know. Just -- oh, forget it.
Come on.
Bill, what's got you so distracted?
Nothing.
Leave me alone.
Fine.
I don't know why I work so hard
to keep up this body if you
never want to touch me.
Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work.
Bill! What are you doing!
Your house, Earl.
It's got to go.
Sir, I repeat.
Get out of the bulldozer.
Green brick, red brick, yellow
brick -- it's all coming down!
Calm down, everyone.
It's over now.
Uh, chief, you should
take a look at this.
Oh, my gosh, it's heads--
people's heads!
Uh, so, you know...
What...You...
That's where all the head pieces went?
I've been trying to find--
Scotty, you idiot!
What? It looks cool.
Uh, sir, just so we're clear, "The
Angry Beavers" is a kids' cartoon.
Look at this beautiful nature.
Let's all go cross-country skiing.
Oh, no -- a wolf.
Put away your skis.
Wolves -- their main ingredients
are legs for speed, jaws for
killing, and brains to
control the legs and jaws.
Say, let's get rid of all the wolves.
There's no downside.
The upside is cross-country skiing.
Save the wolves, man.
You'd better clarify that
point, and right now.
Wolves control the deer population.
If wolves go extinct,
deer would run amok.
Deer contain delicious steaks.
You're saying you prefer fewer
steaks instead of more steaks?
Well, then the deer have nowhere to go.
They'll be forced into
urban environments.
You're telling me good
news as if it's bad news.
The homeless can hunt them for food.
Are you telling me you want armed
homeless roaming the streets?
Aah!
Those homeless people are just gonna pawn
those weapons so they can buy drugs.
That's why one in every 10
deer will be a golden-ticket deer,
filled with a cache of drugs.
So, our choice is, either the
existence of wolves or armed
homeless people hunting
crack-cocaine-implanted deer?
Aah!
Sounds like an easy choice to me.
Then again, I'm just an
innocent voice-over announcer.
I have no dog in this fight--
no, none whatsoever.
And for you, scarecrow, a brain.
Devry University?
If you want to call me an
asshole, do it to my face.
You're an asshole.
Stick around, Scotty.
I might need to lay down a...
Captain's log.
Gross, sir.
Aah, that's a class-four
piss hydra from hell.
I should...probably get that looked at.
You have stage-three space herpes, Jim.
Have you been having sex with
the aliens we've discovered?
There wasn't much sleeping going on.
Wait.
You said "having sex."
Too bad -- that would have been funny.
Damn it, Jim.
What about the prime directive?
Did I forget to tell you about
the prime directive, big guy?
Oh, wow, I'm getting some
vibrant colors down there.
Ohh, that is...ripe.
You've been spreading a virulent
std across the entire galaxy.
I...Have a lot to put right.
Then again, we live
in the 23rd century.
Problem solved.
Damn it, Jim.
You've got to notify every alien you
slept with in the past five years.
Captain's log.
Stardate -- I'm not
talking to Bones anymore.
He's a real...buzzkill.
Relax, it's not like it's space AIDS.
Scotty, here are the coordinates of
every place my wang made contact.
Me mother's house?
I wouldn't kiss her on
the mouth from now on.
Or the butt.
You want to slide those knobs there,
or you want me to keep going?
So, the chances are slim, but
I'd get tested just to be safe.
I'm just a slave.
The fact that you took the time to
tell me really touches my heart.
Just like you...touched mine.
Hey, I heard that.
Chuck, this one's got a bug.
Throw her in the incinerator.
So, remember that...game I
taught you -- the...naked game?
You never told me who won.
We both lost.
Hello, the gorn.
I know we promised never to talk
about our epic battle and how
our hands, clenched in anger,
found themselves intertwined in
passion, but I might
have given you...herpes.
No [bleep]
Oh. Oh.
Really.
Yeah.
Damn it, Jim.
Keep it in your pants.
Bones, you're a doctor, not my mom.
Everyone's been notified,
so no harm, no foul.
Scotty's parents are getting a divorce.
Yes, it's all tied up in a nice
little bow, except for one thing.
Who gave the herpes...to me?
Hey, man.
We got to talk.