Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Hurtled from a Helicopter Into a Speeding Train - full transcript
Middle-Earth will never be the same after Robot Chicken takes on "The Lord of the Rings"; We imagine what happens when Elijah finally makes it home for Passover Seder; Elliot and E.T. have another adventure.
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Sawing ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
It's alive!
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Smooch! ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
You have my sword.
And you have my bow.
And my ax.
[ Auctioneering ] Hey, now, we
got a sword, a bow and an ax.
I need a shield.
Is there a shield?
- Do I hear a shield?
- My shield!
Shield from the son of the
steward of Gondor, Gondor.
- We got a sword, bow, ax, shield.
- My staff!
We shall not pass on a shiny new staff.
We got us a staff, a sword,
shield, bow, and ax.
No range. We need some range.
Who's gonna give us some range?
- My arrows!
- Arrows from the elf!
Got sword, shield, bow,
ax, staff, and arrows.
My horse!
And a horse from the dwarf, of course.
What on middle-earth could
possibly beat one horse?
- Two horses!
- Two horses from the ranger.
Two horses, two horses.
Do I hear an oliphant?
We might have a deal
here, folks, going once.
Going twice.
And sold to Aragorn, son of Arathorn!
Well done, Aragorn.
You deserve it. Good job.
Congratulations.
What just happened?
And I swear, guys, we were
making out for about 20 minutes
before I even realized
this chick was a rat turd.
Oh, yeah!
Been there!
When you're a solid dude,
you stick by your buddies.
You work together... play together.
That's what friendship's all about.
And when your best friend comes
out and tells you he's gay, you
may not know how to act
around him anymore.
Make a gesture.
Bring along some white wine to
let him know you're okay with
him being gay, even though you
probably won't ever, like, go
to a gay bar with him.
White wine...[Bleep] yeah.
Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson.
What's with the crappy gift, Azmuth?
Last time I got a watch
that turns me into aliens!
That was when you were Ben 10.
Now that you're Ben 14, you
get more grown-up gifts.
I saved the world like 40 times
this year, and this is what I get?
This birthday blows!
It's not over yet.
Here's your final present.
[ Sighs ]
[ Groans ]
Oh!
That's for saving the world.
[ Chuckles ]
Happy birthday, Ben 14!
Come.
I-I can't, E.T.
This is my home.
I'll be right here, Elliott.
You know what?
I think I will come with you.
Oh. Okay.
That's great.
This is Elliott.
He's coming with us... I guess.
Want to see a picture of E.T.
in a dress?
Oh, come on, dude.
So, you were the one who
got stranded on earth.
You sound like trouble.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
You just pull that glowing-finger
thing out for anyone, huh?
Aah!
Come on, bro.
You're kryptonite for vagina.
Oh, come on, homes.
I thought you were looking for a job.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about all
those doubles you pulled at the
circle k when you weren't playing
dress-up with my sister.
Sometimes I feel like you were just
asking me to come with you to be polite!
Oh, looks like the case
is closed, Sherlock.
That's it! I'm phoning home!
Not with my minutes, you're not.
When you realize maybe you
married the wrong woman, you try
not to think about it.
When you're jealous that your
friend's at gay bars every
night, getting laid more than
you because he's gay and the
pressure to get married at an
early age just isn't the same in
his world, you keep that to yourself.
And you hammer down a half a bottle
of white wine to help you forget.
White wine...[Bleep] yeah.
Meow.
I regret that I have but one
life to give for my country!
Nice try. Get nine nooses!
Meow. Damn it.
You like the show, ladies?
Good, good.
Oh, hello.
What have we here?
You want to come backstage?
Uh, isn't she a little young?
I'm gonna check her I.D., woman!
I'm not gonna check your I.D.
So, my idea is a bank that
also reports the news and
produces movies and TV shows.
Combine them all into one?
I love it, Jered!
Mama, who's missing?
At every passover seder, we set
a place for the prophet Elijah.
Have I met him?
No, little shevvetz.
The prophet Elijah died 3,000
years ago on a night
just like this one.
Ooh! Tell me the story, papa!
Yes, tell us the story, papa!
[ All shriek, scream ]
Oh, gefilte fish?
Gross.
I love being psychically
bonded to my sectaur.
He does everything I do.
Hey, where's skulk?
He wouldn't go far
without his tarantula.
He said he was doing his taxes.
[ Tarantula groaning ]
[ Tarantula crying ]
Uh, maybe we should, uh... yeah, let's
just get the [bleep] out of here.
[ Tarantula continues crying ]
Oh, now, here's an
affordable little beauty.
Fully automatic.
126 horsepower.
What does "horsepower" mean?
Well, it means this car is
better than 126 horses.
How'd you figure that out?
Well, you see... ladies and gentlemen,
I don't believe it either, but this
corolla has bested 124 horses
right before our eyes, though
I'm betting these next three
thoroughbreds will have
something to say about that!
[ Horse whinnying ]
[ Engine revving ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Horse neighs ]
[ Tires screech ]
Aah!
[ Horse whinnies ]
[ Buzzer ]
So, you know, there you have it.
Are you on cocaine?
Oh, hot-diggity!
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
I really got my rocks off.
Orange you glad I tickled your asshole?
Hey, I didn't ask you to do that.
When you follow your buddy to
a gay bar just once, just to
see what it's like, you dress the part.
When you decide receiving oral
doesn't really count as gay,
you're on your way to an adventure.
But when you realize that gay or
not, it does count as cheating
on your wife, buddy, it's
time for white wine.
White wine...[Bleep] yeah.
All right, what do we got in here?
O.J., purple stuff, soda...
[ Gasps ] Look! Sunnyd!
Wait, what the hell is purple stuff?
It doesn't even have a label.
You think it'll get us high?
Only one way to find out!
[ Horn blares ]
David!
Don't you die on me!
[ Coughs ]
I might not have to.
What do you mean?
One last theory about... purple stuff.
[ Liquid hisses, bubbles ]
[ Bones cracking ]
[ Gasps ]
It -- it worked!
Okay, let's see.
O.J., sunnyd, soda... hey,
who took my purple stuff?!
Aw, dad damn it!
[ Gulping ]
Ugh! God!
It's like someone poured a bottle
of perfume into orange juice.
Take it easy on me, huh, doc?
You got it, Sal.
[ Grunts ]
Aah!
Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!
By your powers combined,
I am Captain Planet!
All: [ Unenthused ] Go, Planet.
Whoa. Really not feeling
the love today, kids.
It's not my abs, is it?
I switched trainers.
I've just got to rehire Jenny.
No, cap.
Today's mission is gonna
be kind of intense.
Has Hoggish greedly reunited
the Eco-Villains again?
No, Captain Planet.
So who is this villain in need
of a good, sound thrashing?
Oh, no!
Have eco-terrorists
taken over the Capitol?
You might say that.
The United States is the second-largest
polluter on earth, behind China.
To truly make a difference... we must
overthrow the United States government.
[ Laughs ]
Is Ashton Kutcher
around here somewhere?
[ Chuckles nervously ]
We're not waging war on America.
Not just America!
Once we command the U.S.
Military, we'll fight
China to the death.
This is so important, Gi
will fight her own people!
I'm from Thailand.
The capital of China.
I won't let you!
[ Grunts ]
Aah!
Ha!
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
Oh!
Why?
[ Screaming ]
You leave me no choice.
[ Grunts ]
Ma-ti, I thought you
were the power of heart.
Hearts were made to be broken.
Whoa.
This just took a dark turn.
[ Grunting ]
In the news tonight, the famous ecological
heroes The Planeteers attacked the
U.S. Capitol today.
Bob, The Planeteers showed no
mercy for approximately 5 to 10
seconds before they were
all shot in the back by an
overweight security guard here
at the very first checkpoint.
We're hearing from the families that
the bodies will not be cremated due to
environmental concerns.
They'll be mulched.
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Sawing ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
It's alive!
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Smooch! ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
You have my sword.
And you have my bow.
And my ax.
[ Auctioneering ] Hey, now, we
got a sword, a bow and an ax.
I need a shield.
Is there a shield?
- Do I hear a shield?
- My shield!
Shield from the son of the
steward of Gondor, Gondor.
- We got a sword, bow, ax, shield.
- My staff!
We shall not pass on a shiny new staff.
We got us a staff, a sword,
shield, bow, and ax.
No range. We need some range.
Who's gonna give us some range?
- My arrows!
- Arrows from the elf!
Got sword, shield, bow,
ax, staff, and arrows.
My horse!
And a horse from the dwarf, of course.
What on middle-earth could
possibly beat one horse?
- Two horses!
- Two horses from the ranger.
Two horses, two horses.
Do I hear an oliphant?
We might have a deal
here, folks, going once.
Going twice.
And sold to Aragorn, son of Arathorn!
Well done, Aragorn.
You deserve it. Good job.
Congratulations.
What just happened?
And I swear, guys, we were
making out for about 20 minutes
before I even realized
this chick was a rat turd.
Oh, yeah!
Been there!
When you're a solid dude,
you stick by your buddies.
You work together... play together.
That's what friendship's all about.
And when your best friend comes
out and tells you he's gay, you
may not know how to act
around him anymore.
Make a gesture.
Bring along some white wine to
let him know you're okay with
him being gay, even though you
probably won't ever, like, go
to a gay bar with him.
White wine...[Bleep] yeah.
Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson.
What's with the crappy gift, Azmuth?
Last time I got a watch
that turns me into aliens!
That was when you were Ben 10.
Now that you're Ben 14, you
get more grown-up gifts.
I saved the world like 40 times
this year, and this is what I get?
This birthday blows!
It's not over yet.
Here's your final present.
[ Sighs ]
[ Groans ]
Oh!
That's for saving the world.
[ Chuckles ]
Happy birthday, Ben 14!
Come.
I-I can't, E.T.
This is my home.
I'll be right here, Elliott.
You know what?
I think I will come with you.
Oh. Okay.
That's great.
This is Elliott.
He's coming with us... I guess.
Want to see a picture of E.T.
in a dress?
Oh, come on, dude.
So, you were the one who
got stranded on earth.
You sound like trouble.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
You just pull that glowing-finger
thing out for anyone, huh?
Aah!
Come on, bro.
You're kryptonite for vagina.
Oh, come on, homes.
I thought you were looking for a job.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about all
those doubles you pulled at the
circle k when you weren't playing
dress-up with my sister.
Sometimes I feel like you were just
asking me to come with you to be polite!
Oh, looks like the case
is closed, Sherlock.
That's it! I'm phoning home!
Not with my minutes, you're not.
When you realize maybe you
married the wrong woman, you try
not to think about it.
When you're jealous that your
friend's at gay bars every
night, getting laid more than
you because he's gay and the
pressure to get married at an
early age just isn't the same in
his world, you keep that to yourself.
And you hammer down a half a bottle
of white wine to help you forget.
White wine...[Bleep] yeah.
Meow.
I regret that I have but one
life to give for my country!
Nice try. Get nine nooses!
Meow. Damn it.
You like the show, ladies?
Good, good.
Oh, hello.
What have we here?
You want to come backstage?
Uh, isn't she a little young?
I'm gonna check her I.D., woman!
I'm not gonna check your I.D.
So, my idea is a bank that
also reports the news and
produces movies and TV shows.
Combine them all into one?
I love it, Jered!
Mama, who's missing?
At every passover seder, we set
a place for the prophet Elijah.
Have I met him?
No, little shevvetz.
The prophet Elijah died 3,000
years ago on a night
just like this one.
Ooh! Tell me the story, papa!
Yes, tell us the story, papa!
[ All shriek, scream ]
Oh, gefilte fish?
Gross.
I love being psychically
bonded to my sectaur.
He does everything I do.
Hey, where's skulk?
He wouldn't go far
without his tarantula.
He said he was doing his taxes.
[ Tarantula groaning ]
[ Tarantula crying ]
Uh, maybe we should, uh... yeah, let's
just get the [bleep] out of here.
[ Tarantula continues crying ]
Oh, now, here's an
affordable little beauty.
Fully automatic.
126 horsepower.
What does "horsepower" mean?
Well, it means this car is
better than 126 horses.
How'd you figure that out?
Well, you see... ladies and gentlemen,
I don't believe it either, but this
corolla has bested 124 horses
right before our eyes, though
I'm betting these next three
thoroughbreds will have
something to say about that!
[ Horse whinnying ]
[ Engine revving ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Horse neighs ]
[ Tires screech ]
Aah!
[ Horse whinnies ]
[ Buzzer ]
So, you know, there you have it.
Are you on cocaine?
Oh, hot-diggity!
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
I really got my rocks off.
Orange you glad I tickled your asshole?
Hey, I didn't ask you to do that.
When you follow your buddy to
a gay bar just once, just to
see what it's like, you dress the part.
When you decide receiving oral
doesn't really count as gay,
you're on your way to an adventure.
But when you realize that gay or
not, it does count as cheating
on your wife, buddy, it's
time for white wine.
White wine...[Bleep] yeah.
All right, what do we got in here?
O.J., purple stuff, soda...
[ Gasps ] Look! Sunnyd!
Wait, what the hell is purple stuff?
It doesn't even have a label.
You think it'll get us high?
Only one way to find out!
[ Horn blares ]
David!
Don't you die on me!
[ Coughs ]
I might not have to.
What do you mean?
One last theory about... purple stuff.
[ Liquid hisses, bubbles ]
[ Bones cracking ]
[ Gasps ]
It -- it worked!
Okay, let's see.
O.J., sunnyd, soda... hey,
who took my purple stuff?!
Aw, dad damn it!
[ Gulping ]
Ugh! God!
It's like someone poured a bottle
of perfume into orange juice.
Take it easy on me, huh, doc?
You got it, Sal.
[ Grunts ]
Aah!
Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!
By your powers combined,
I am Captain Planet!
All: [ Unenthused ] Go, Planet.
Whoa. Really not feeling
the love today, kids.
It's not my abs, is it?
I switched trainers.
I've just got to rehire Jenny.
No, cap.
Today's mission is gonna
be kind of intense.
Has Hoggish greedly reunited
the Eco-Villains again?
No, Captain Planet.
So who is this villain in need
of a good, sound thrashing?
Oh, no!
Have eco-terrorists
taken over the Capitol?
You might say that.
The United States is the second-largest
polluter on earth, behind China.
To truly make a difference... we must
overthrow the United States government.
[ Laughs ]
Is Ashton Kutcher
around here somewhere?
[ Chuckles nervously ]
We're not waging war on America.
Not just America!
Once we command the U.S.
Military, we'll fight
China to the death.
This is so important, Gi
will fight her own people!
I'm from Thailand.
The capital of China.
I won't let you!
[ Grunts ]
Aah!
Ha!
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
Oh!
Why?
[ Screaming ]
You leave me no choice.
[ Grunts ]
Ma-ti, I thought you
were the power of heart.
Hearts were made to be broken.
Whoa.
This just took a dark turn.
[ Grunting ]
In the news tonight, the famous ecological
heroes The Planeteers attacked the
U.S. Capitol today.
Bob, The Planeteers showed no
mercy for approximately 5 to 10
seconds before they were
all shot in the back by an
overweight security guard here
at the very first checkpoint.
We're hearing from the families that
the bodies will not be cremated due to
environmental concerns.
They'll be mulched.
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.